The Cat in the Hat (film)

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The Cat in the Hat is a 2003 American comedy film, In this film, Two kids named Corad and Sally meet The Cat in the Hat after Mrs. Kwan babysits the kids. however, the life turns upside down, and the kids must fix it.

Directed by Bo Welch. Written by Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, loosely based on the 1957 book of the same name by Dr. Seuss.
The ultimate game of cat and house.(taglines)


The Cat in the Hat

  • Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse 'cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] How much is that Canine-American in the window?
  • A monster? Where? [Conrad and Sally scream] That could've gone better [laughs wheezingly]
  • [as Cheshire Cat, after cutting off his tail] SON OF A BI- [bleep]
  • [repeated line] OH YEAH!!!!!

Conrad Walden

  • Mom, that guy's a total phony! You can't let Larry-
  • Sally! Everything's disappearing up there! HELP!
  • I wish I had a different mom.
  • [seeing Thing 1 and 2 has Larry's car] Larry's car?

Sally Walden

  • Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.
  • Nevins? Nevins, come back!!!!!!!
  • Stop! That's... [with Conrad] MOM'S DRESS!!! [Cat: [gasps] This filthy thing?] She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.

Larry Quinn

  • NOBODY LIKES A SUCKUP!!!!!!!
  • I'm sending Conrad awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... [Nevins pees on his taco] OH! OH! [Nevins starts barking, and sniffs his taco that Nevins peed on] OH! [Nevins barks] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!
  • [sneezes] Why am I sneezing? [Cat touches him by his shoulder] [Cat: That'd be me. BOO!] You're a giant- [sneezing] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [screaming, tears the wall paper falls off the cliff, revealing it to be Cat's world, his last words] JUUUDAAAAAAS PRIEEEEEEEEEEST!!!!! [splashes in the purple river]

The Fish

  • Children, this cat is currently in the violation of [counts to 17] seventeen of your mother's rules! [phone rings] [Cat: City Morgue!] [loses it] EIGHTEEN!
  • This Cat should not be here and he should not be about and he should not be here when your mother is out!
  • I told you all this would happen, but no one listens to a fish!
  • [after the "Fun, Fun, Fun" song by The Cat, he is seen clapping] Bravo, Cat. these children are smart enough not to fall for your MTV-style flash at the expensive content and moral values.

Mr. Humberfloob

  • [about to fire Jim McFlinnigan] FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...

Dialogue

[the movie begins with Universal Studios logo as it turns into the ball, the Dreamworks animation logo is a guy wearing a red and white striped hat, then the imagine entertainment logo and a fish is shown swimming, then the film begins]
Narrator: [first lines in the film] There are gajillions of stores of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one about a mom and two kids, a house and a hat that oddly enough, [camera zooms into the clouds and the film title design appearing] was worn by a Cat, but soon we will get to all of that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled-- That city is Anville [view of the Anville with people hungry for tutti-frutti, with shopping bags] It's a town that's not huge, but not quite big enough for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [the Hand Sanitizer truck is shown and the horn is heard honking] So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob [the employee puts a box of sanitizer on the mover] in the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
[inside Humberfloob's Real estate, a guy is shown moving the sanitizer boxes]
Woman: Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
[people are chattering, a workaholic real estate agent mother is talking on the phone.]
Joan Walden: What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02, and a zero-tolerance boss stands here]
Mr. Hank Humberfloob: Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and run away to their seats] Look alive everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
[a businessman shakes Humberfloob's hands, leaving everyone in shock]
Jim McFlinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired...
Jim McFlinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired...
Jim McFlinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [as Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of Hand Sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
Joan: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob: Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]
Joan: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob: Great! [Joan leaves]
Woman: Humberfloob real estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
[Camera zooms onto the picture of Joan's kids and we see an aerial shot of the street]
Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighbor hood "Hey!". [Two neighbors say "Hey!" to each other] Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
[camera zooms into the door hole, inside the house is a dog barking as a destructive and misbehaved 12-year-old son named Conrad walks downstairs with hairy black feet with claws, Nevins barks]
Conrad: Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
[then later, A well-behaved rule-obeying girl 8-year-old daughter named Sally is doing her to-do list on her tap pad]
Sally: Today's to-do list, Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [Conrad walks to the kitchen] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [Conrad dumps the apples and the bits out of the bowls] What is he doing?
[Conrad knocks over the tray full of flower-shaped cookies, takes out a drawer with stuff in it, looks for the tape, Nevins groans, Conrad gets the popcorn out of the fridge and the one that is being warmed in the microwave]
Sally: Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
Conrad: [he walks upstairs with a bowl and the teddy bear on top of it, the 2 bread packs and 6 sponge cake pack, the color marshmallows on his elbows and the popcorn on his knees] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins barks] Nevins, your attention please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
Sally: Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related.
Conrad: Relax, I'll put everything back. [stuffs the bread on his pants, and Nevins runs off, he eats the bread, talking with his mouth full] and now for the indoor stair luge!
Sally: "Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad: Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [about to get on the tray as Nevins whines and covers her ears, Conrad slides down the stairs yelling and cheering, Joan comes to the house with groceries and her new dress, but screams when they're hit by Conrad] YEAH! [Crashes into Joan's car]
Sally: [As Nevins runs out of the house] Nevins? Nevins, Come back!!!!!!!!
Conrad: Hey, Mom, what's up?

Voice: Knock, Knock, Knock!
[A pompous and next door neighbor in the purple business suit named Larry comes out the door with Nevins]
Larry: Someone lose a dog? [His teeth sparkles]

Conrad: Mom, That guy's a total phony, you can't let Larry-
Joan: [Interrupting] It's Lawrence, Conrad. [hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer is shown holding the box]
Kate: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Joan: Oh hi. Where's Kate?
Kate: I'm Kate.
Joan: Oh. Right this way, Kate. [she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it]
Conrad: Mom, you've gotta listen to me-- [phone rings]
Joan: QUIET!
Sally: Two weeks ago, you said you would-- [Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate] I "specialed" it. see?
Joan: Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! [phone rings] Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
Mr. Humberfloob: This is Mr. Humberfloob.
Joan: Oh hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you come back to the office.
Joan: Today?
Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. No problem.
Joan: No problem at all.
Mr. Humberfloob: Great!
Sally: [as Joan hangs up the phone] What's going on, Mommy?
Joan: Mommy has to go back to the Office, Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can Babysit!
Conrad: Not Mrs. Kwan! [cut to the veiw of the door, It's a overweight and elderly Taiwanese woman, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door]
Joan: Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Mrs. Kwan: [holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools] Hi.
Joan: Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. [Mrs. Kwan yawns] Conrad's grounded, so no video games. [takes Conrad's gamepad away] Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend, Ginny's house.
Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
Joan: What about Denise, then?
Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.
Joan: And you don't like bossy?
Sally: I won't tolerate it.
Joan: Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".
Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Joan: [thinks for a moment] No chewing tobacco.
Sally: Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
Joan: And absolutely, No one sets foot in the l living room or else...
Conrad: or else what you're going to do what Larry said and send me the military school?
Joan: Maybe If you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.
Joan: Well Sometimes, I wish the same thing.
[So now, She walks outside and to the car]
Joan: Good luck with your meeting!
[Larry blows a kiss for Joan as she leaves, Conrad and Sally look out the window. Larry starts to sneeze rapidly]
Mrs. Kwan: Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother! [Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, a TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting]
Conrad and Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! [karate noises] Rip his heart out! [Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down] Hit me! [she then falls asleep]

Conrad: I think it came from the closet.
[Conrad and Sally both walk slowly into the door, Conrad goes to the door and reaches the door knob starts turning it and implying it to be open Conrad peaks in the darker room and then starts walking quietly and then screams after getting caught]
Sally: Conrad? Conrad? Come on, Conrad. [screams when is thrown by a black teddy bear, Conrad laughs, she gives Conrad back the black bear plush] You shouldn't scare people.
Conrad: [throws his plush back inhis bedroom] You should've seen the look on your face. You look like you saw a monster.
[We see a 6 ft. tall, anthromorphic and large humanoid wise cracking cat who wears an oversized red bowtie and a magical red-and-white striped tophat appears]
The Cat in the Hat: A Monster? Where? [Conrad and Sally both scream] That could've gone better. [wheezing laugh]
[Conrad and Sally scream and run to the closet]
Sally: What was that?
Conrad: I don't know, it looked like a humongous cat.
Cat: [turns on the light] Huge smart guess? I prefer the term "big ball" or "jolly". Now what are we hiding from? [laughs as Conrad and Sally scream, and they run to Joan's Bedroom]
Sally: That was a giant cat!
Conrad: But that's impossible, isn't it?
Cat: [appears beneath Conrad and Sally] It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this place a lot better, they'll never find us here. [pauses] Scream and run. [Conrad and Sally crawl out of Joan's bed screaming] And there they go. [Conrad and Sally are still screaming while they see Cat's feet under the bed]
Sally: Who are you?!
Cat: Who, [Conrad and Sally both turn around] me? Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... "meline"?... "key lime"?... "turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!
Sally: Where did you come from?
Cat: [screeches] Hmm, How do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
Cat: My place, what do you think?
Conrad: No, how did you get here?
Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!
Sally: Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
Cat: Milk? Ecch! No! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. [He laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard] Hello. Surf's Up! [He laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back] Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo] Who is this? [in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pauses]
Cat: Awkward. Yeah. [his hat slumps back down; he puts the photo in his pouch] Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. [he laughs then sits down] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. [begins to bounce] WHO IS THIS DREADFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE WOMAN?!
Sally: Get off her. That's our babysitter.
Cat: [sits up] What the? "Babysitter"? You don't need one of those, do ya? [picks up a hangar, then hangs a sleeping Mrs. Kwan on it, Conrad and Sally laugh] Lemme get this straight. You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. [hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet] I'd do it for nothing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hmmm! [the two walk] Now, let's see what the old [holds up the Phunometer] Phunometer has to say.
Sally: "Phunometer"?
The Cat: Yeah, it just measures how you fun you are. [laughs, The Cat uses his phunometer on Sally as it reads "Control Freak"] Ah! Control Freak. [the phunometer gets off of Sally's forehead] Now you. [uses the phunometer on Conrad] Hi, how are ya? Oh! [the phunometer reads "Rule Breaker" then the "Bedwetter", he starts whimpering]
Conrad: Tap it.
Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change. [wheezes as he puts away the phunometer] Just as I suspected, you guys are both outta whack. Mm-hmm. You're a control freak and now you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700 [holds up an insurance carrier] Who's your insurance carrier?
Conrad: So what do we do?
Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend, [pulls out a shot] One is a series of a painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. [Sprays a shot, making a little water come out of it] And the other... Involves a musical number! [does the trumpet while doing the musical number] ME-ME-ME-MEOW!!!
Sally: How many shots?
Cat: [wheezingly copies Sally] "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

[Pre - verse]
Cat: Maestro! [the song begins to play]
I Know it is wet and the Sun is not sunny,
'but We can have lots of good Fun that is funny!
It's Fun to have fun but ya Got to know how...
Cat: (Ugh...) [starts gagging and then he throws up a hairball, Making Conrad and Sally Groan] Hairball. [Laughs and throws it off to the statue]
I know lots of good trick and I'll--
Voice: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Conrad: Who said that?
[The family's pet orange goldfish with two big eyes and a mouth is shown in his fishbowl]
Carlos K. Krinklebine The Fish: Me. Remember The Fish, came home in a baggie and love me for 2 week and then NOTHING!
Sally: The Fish is talking!
The Cat: Well sure he can talk, but if he's saying anything? Not really, no.
The Fish: Hey socks can it. This cat should not be in here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
The Cat: Come on kids you're gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
[The first verse, shows the Cat dressed as a singer outfit with a fruity wig]
There was this cat I knew back home where I was bred
He never listened to a single thing his mother said
He never used the litter box, he made a mess in the hall
That's why they sent him to a vet to cut off both his ba-
Ba... Ba... Boy!
That wasn't fun, fun, fun; he never learns, You can have fun, fun, fun, but less is more, They may ship you off to school so reign it in a little
[Then the Cat pulls out alphabet blocks that spell out F, U and N]
We can't spell "fun" without "U" in the middle
Fish: Children, This currently Is a violation of... [counts to 17] Seventeen of your mother's rules!
Cat: [answers the phone] City Morgue!
Fish: [loses it] Eighteen!
[The Cat laughs and later both of these doors open and it is revealed that The Cat is dressed in a Toro dress with a cape, Conrad and Sally Both watch]
Cat: Olé!
[The bull starts to get angry as the Cat starts to scream so loudly that the bull is about to use his horns to dash into the Cat, and he Then Closes both doors and The Bull crashes into them, making the Cat jump up in the air, in a deleted scene, the second verse shows The Cat lay in the ground, The cape also shows "El gato en el sombrero"]
There was this high strung cat, who thought she knew it all, The way she scheduled out her day could drive you up the wall, She liked to be the teacher's pet, always the head of the class, It took a ton of TNT to kill the bug up her a-, Ah... ah... Ask me!
Was she fun, fun, fun? Not a chance; You can’t have fun, fun, fun, if you’re uptight, So loosen up and lose this list; life isn’t such a riddle, You can’t spell “fun” without “U” in the middle
[Third verse]
You can juggle, work and play, but you have to know the way, You can keep afloat a wish like the way I do this fish, You can be a happy fella; someone throw me an umbrella, And that rake; that cake! Life’s what you make it
So have fun, fun, fun! Go insane, And have some fun, fun, fun! Just look at me! Fun, fun, fun! No more rain! Look, it’s the sun, sun, sun! So can’t you see?
I’m as happy as a clam, I’m as fit as a fiddle. Yeah, the dogs may bark about you And the purebred cats may doubt you
Fish: [while The Cat drinks his milk] Getting motion sickness!
Cat: Milk? Big mistake! [his stomach rumbles, Conrad and Sally are shocked] But remember this: you can’t have fun without “U” I CAN'T BREATHE!!! [his belly starts to get large] I knew that milk would come back to haunt me!
Fish: Help! Help!
[The Cat Belches loudly, Conrad and Sally starts to groan and exclaim in disgust, More hairballs come out of The Cat's mouth and goes flying towards them, then he stops belching and jumps up and lands on the ball, then the song ends with The Fish spitting water out of his mouth while in a green teapot]
"U" in the middle!
[The Cat then swallows the Figurine. After that, The Fish is heard clapping]
The Fish: Bravo, Cat. these children are smart enough not to fall for your MTV-style flash at the expensive content and moral values.
Conrad: That was wicked cool!
Sally: Do it again!
Cat: I love to, but Shamu is right, I really should be going.

[After signing a contract, and the two high-foured The Cat]
Cat: Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [he chuckles] What now?
Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.
Cat: And she's right, you can't jump on these. not like this... They need some adjustment!
[puts on his name tag, but it is a mechanic-like Cat is seen]
Catwrench: Yee-Haw! Let's Take a Look under the hood! [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker] Yeah. Just doing my job [farts] Sorry, what have we got here... [pulls out a tennis racket] Here we go... It's oversized, That's unusual. [pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter] Here it is. [An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! [takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk, it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Spray me, would you? Oh---
[He gets caught by an elephant trunk, and it starts choking Catwrench, he starts punching him, and the elephant whimpers and after it whimpers]
Catwrench: Thanks for the help. [gets under the couch] back in a second, who's your couch mechanic? you better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! [starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under] My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! [ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] That oughta do it! Whew!
[The couch then falls onto the floor, The Cat happily laughs and jumps on a couch, and jumps in another couch and then jumps on the couch again]
Cat: Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!
Sally: What about Mom's party?
Conrad: What about it? We signed the contract! [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]
Cat: One cushion left, Sally!
Conrad: She'll never do it. She doesn't Know how to have fun.
The Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
[Flashback shows Joan talking to Conrad and Sally]
Joan: [In flashbackwith her voice slowed down] Absolutely, No one sets foot in the l living room or else...
[Another flashback shows Mr. Humberfloob repeating...]
Mr. Humberfloob: [In flashback] ...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...
[End of flashback]
Fish: And that's why... [The Cat grabs him and he Screams in shock, And gets thrown into the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
[Then, Sally joins in with Conrad and The Cat]
Conrad: This is amazing!
Sally: Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See kids, I told you we could have fun.
[The camera cuts to the door, Unbeknownst to The Cat, Conrad and Sally, Larry then opens the door, he is revealed to be wearing Yellow pants, a blue jean jacket, and a white tank top]
Conrad: The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.
Larry: Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Sally: Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!
Larry: Sally. baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna to let you in on a little secret okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!
[Quinn laughs and walks to the kitchen Conrad and Sally both look both ways to see the couch that The Cat has jumped on]
Sally: Where's the cat?
Conrad: I don't know.
Larry: [Comes back on screen with beer and Bread, burps as Sally starts to exclaim in disgust] Good bread. What are you two looking at? [The Cat jumps in the couch and flys up, and hangs in the ceiling, starts scratching his hair, fur starts falling on him, starts sneezing] Is there a Cat in here? [continues sneezing] I'm gonna-- [Sneezes] You're gonna-- [Sneezes] I have to-- [Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again] Get out of here. [sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]
Cat: See, kids. I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. [Cat Suddenly sneezes just like Larry and falls off from the ceiling screaming] Little known fact, Cats always land on their tushy!
Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat: Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph! [he gets up] So, Kiddo. What would you like to do for fun?
Sally: I wanna make cupcakes!
Cat: Cupcakes? Oh yeah! To the kitchen!
[later, They appear in the theater, the stage is the kitchen]
Announcer: Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
[A blonde haired host wearing a sweater comes on the stage]
The Guy in the Sweater: Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...
[...the Chef later appears on stage]
Cheshire Cat: ME! Hello! [applause] Now... Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?
The Guy in the Sweater: I know I do. [laughs]
Cheshire Cat: [slides appliances off the counter] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...to the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]
The Guy in the Sweater: Cupcake-a-what?
Cheshire Cat: [the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
The Guy in the Sweater: Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?
Cheshire Cat: Anything!
The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
Cheshire Cat: Yes, anything.
The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
Cheshire Cat: Anything.
The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
Cheshire Cat: [turns to the guy in the sweater] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs.
The Guy in the Sweater: [amazed] What?!
Cheshire Cat: How about a pack of hot dogs?
The Guy in the Sweater: [laughing] That's incredible!
Cheshire Cat: Why not some ketchup?
The Guy in the Sweater: Yes, why not?!
Cheshire Cat: How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle.
The Guy in the Sweater: What an astounding product! [laughs]
The Cat in the Hat: Oh yeah!
Cheshire Cat: Open the drawer. [drawer open] Fill the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!
Cheshire Cat: You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]
The Guy in the Sweater: Now wait just a minute...
Cheshire Cat: And your ugly, just like your mum.
The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just call my mother ugly?
Cheshire Cat: [holds up a meat cutter] SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!!! [grunts as he cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]
Sally: Um, Cat, your tail.
Cheshire Cat: What about me? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [sees his tail cut in half] SON OF A BI-
[A loud and long bleep is heard, Cat covers Conrad and Sally's eyes while the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go to the "Hang in There, Baby!", Just then, The Cat is tying up his Tail that was chopped off, He, Conrad and Sally are sitting in the table]
Cat: Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue, I'm just saying we have a case, We'll talk later, Ixnay, Ixnay. Hi how are ya?
Conrad: Uh, Cat. Is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
Cat: [sees and checks that the Oven is glowing] Oh, That means they're almost done, Conrack!
Conrad: Cat.
Cat: That's what I said, Condor.
Conrad: CAT?!?!
Cat: Now That's my name!
[He and the two get out of the table, and The Oven continues glowing purple, Cat unfurls the umbrella and the cupcakes explode and the purple goo splatters all over the walls, causing a large purple gooey mess]
Cat: Yep, they're done!
Conrad: Aw, Man!
Cat: There's nothing to wort about, I'm sure they taste fine. Yuck! They're horrible! Who wants some?
Fish: [Comes out of the toilet, shocked to see the purple gooey mess] Oh... my... Cod. [screams]
Sally: Cat, you need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
Cat: Alright, I'll try.
Sally: [grabs The Cat by his bowtie] You don't try? You do?
The Cat: Yes, right away. [Sally lets go of his bowtie] I'll be right back. [Walks to the closet, opens and takes Joan's dress, and Mrs. Kwan is still sleeping, He comes into the kitchen holding Joan's dress] Look, I'm a girl. [purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad get mad]
Sally: STOP! THAT'S...
Conrad and Sally: MOM'S DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cat: [shocked] This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it!
The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps his fingers two times] mmmm, mmmm, yeah [snaps his fingers two times again] mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...
The Fish: I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! [the Cat groans] A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.
Cat: all right everyone let's just take a deep breath and calm down [he, Conrad, and Sally take a deep breath] you know who's going to solve it? Me, I am. I will personally take care of everything, and I know just the guys to do it. [walks outside he then opens the door with the giant red crate] in this box are two things, I will show them to you. two things I call them Thing One and Thing two. These things will not bite you they want to have fun, so without further Ado... meet Thing Two and Thing One!
[two gibberish creatures come out of the box whooping and babbling and then they land on the ground]
Thing 1 and 2: Ta-da!
Cat: Oh, yeah! [he chortles] Thing 1, Conrad, Sally, Conrad, Sally, Thing 1,Thing 2, Conrad, Sally, Conrad, Sally, Thing 2, Thing 1, Thing 2, Thing 2, Thing 1, Conrad, Sally, Sally, Conrad. I am the Cat.
Thing 1: Don't belittle me.
Cat: oh, yes of course. [Thing 2's icon appears] Thing would like to clarify that just because he wears number two does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1. [Thing 1's icon appears]
Thing 1: And all of the above.
Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing "A" [Thing 2's icon changes to Thing A] if you like. He will also accept... [Thing A's icon changes to...] ...Super Thing... [Super Thing's icon changes to...] ...Thing King... [Thing King's icon changes to...] ...Kid Dynamite... [Kid Dynamite's icon changes to...] ...CHOCOLATE THUN-DA! [the Chocolate Thun-da's icon is changed to Ben] or Ben.
Thing 2: [chuckles] Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. [to the Things bickering] Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! [closes the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat: This isn't just angel crate. It's the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?
Thing 1: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
[The Cat holds up a crab-shaped lock, crawls and holds on the open handle of the crate and Conrad touches the lock]
Cat: All right, Things, I'm not paying you to stand around to look pretty. [Throws mom's dress at the things] Here's Mom's dress.
Thing 1: [cackles] Oh, Mommy's dress!
[Purple stains fly out of Joan's dress and they land in to the couch, The Cat Gasps, and so does Sally]
Conrad: What about the couch.
Cat: Which couch? The clean one? Or the horribly stained one?
[Thing 2 stands in the stained couch and Thing 1 picks him up by his feet and hits the couch as stains fly out of the couch and get all over the curtains]
Thing 1: Mekka-dekka, don't worry!
Cat: Incoming!
[Things starts spinning and twirling the curtains around and the stains fly out]
Sally: Cat, They're wrecking the whole house!
[Conrad opens the closet, and Mrs. Kwan is still sleeping, grabs two nets. He and Sally have two nets and Thing 1 slides through the table, knocking everything over, doing a cossack dance, making plates fly off, landing and breaking Sally only catches one of those plates]
Sally: Conrad, HELP!!!!!
Conrad: Help yourself!
Thing 2: [walks up the ceiling] Look at me, Come and get it!
[Thing 2 starts laughing and holds onto the ceiling light, but the latter gets broken, Sally is shocked, and Thing 1 rides the bike down the stairs, Things wreak havoc and run amok all over the house where the living room is ruined with both of these couches messed up, and a couch is knocked over, and Joan's bedroom where a sofa gets knocked over and a bedroom where clothes are knocked over, Then cut to Conrad, who picks on the crab lock]
Crab Lock: [Giggles] That tickles. [turns alive, and jumps of the crate] GERONIMOOOOOOO!!!!! [lands in the ground and holds on to Nevins' collar] Mine, mine, mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
Things: [While riding Mrs. Kwan down the stairs] RIDE 'EM, COWBOY! [they both laugh]
Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious. [Things continue to wreak havoc, and so He sees the Crab lock missing] HEY, KLONDIKE! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?!?!
Conrad: It's on Nevins' collar.
Cat: Nevins?!
Sally: Nevins, Nevins! Put the dog down! I said PUT THE DOG DOWN! WHY WONT THEY LISTEN TO ME?!
Cat: [While drinking pineapple punch with an umbrella and a goofy straw] Oh, I don't know if this helps, but the Things always do the opposites of what they say.
Conrad: Why do they always, do the opposite? that's so annoying!
Sally: Remind you of anyone, Conrad?
Cat: Zinga! [Drinks pineapple punch with an umbrella and a goofy straw, Things cackle]
Thing 2: Zinga, Zinga! [The two accidentally catch themselves with nets]
Thing 1: Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Sally: Hey Thing! Don't let go of that dog!
Thing 1: Let go! [throws Nevins, and he comes flying like a football]
Conrad: Catch him! I mean, don't catch him! [screams and Nevins flys outside the window and lands in the ground, the Crab lock chuckles]

[After putting a heavy, weigh, inanimate object that looks like Mrs. Kwan on the crate]
Cat: There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go go go! [The trio leave off screen]
[At his apartment, Larry is taking his harness off and then sits in his rocking chair. Takes his false teeth out and puts them in an empty glass cup. Door knocks]
Larry: Yeah! [two Repomen enter his apartment] What do you want now?
Repo Guy: [Gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice] Repo.
Quinn: You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. [Gets out his wallet] If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired. [the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television, So he looks outside]
Narrator: With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Larry gets the phone and Joan then answers who's on the phone]
Joan: Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-
Larry: Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.
Joan: You're kidding.
Larry: Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
Joan: I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.
Larry: Uh-huh.
Joan: [sighs] But I suppose it's something I should consider.
Larry: I'll get the dog, I'll be right over. [Dial tone hums and Joan puts up the phone, Larry picks on his belly button and groans]
[Later, The trio goes on a lookout for Nevins who enters the backyard, And Frank is seen in his doghouse]
Conrad: Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
[The Two and the Cat jump down the ground, Conrad and Sally start sneaking while violin strings are heard plucking, But it is The Cat, who was plucking his whiskers]
Cat: I though the moment needed something.
Fish: [comes out of the jar] Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! [starts to get upset] I CAN'T GO! I DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S [acts like a dried-up fish] DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Conrad: Fish!
Fish: [still upset] IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!
Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish: [stops crying] On second thought, It was such a beautiful day, Why can't it spend indoors?
Cat: Thank you! [The Fish gasps and holds his breath and he gets inside the Jar] Okay kids, get out of my way. This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes. Here we go. [Does Neck muscles, and cracks his knuckles, and squats] Oh, okay. Watch me fly, kids. [He runs up to the fence, and the camera zooms out where Conrad and Sally are holding the Cat's feet]
Conrad: [Cat's foot is on top of him] Ow....!
Cat: I don't think the girls even trying.
Sally: [Cat's foot is on top of her too] What about your.... Cat-like... Reflexes?
Cat: What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat? Now push! [The two push him over the fence and screams, gets up from the ground with a hoe] Alright, Nevins. Time to die.
Conrad: [as Nevins runs off] CAT, YOU SCARED HIM AWAY!
Cat: Dirty hoe. [drops the hoe and picks it up] I'm sorry, baby. I love you. [tries to lick the hoe, but Conrad calls for him off screen]
Conrad: Come on, Cat!
[The Cat leaves the hoe here, Nevins runs down the street, In the backyard is a birthday party, Nevins is yipping for the grilled hot dog]
Conrad: There he is!
[The trio look into the window, A man places the cake with candles in it on the table, The girl with a blue dress, Another girl with a green dress, a Social preteen boy is shown and some kids are seen in this party]
Sally: Denise? Everybody I know is there. There's Jenny and Alan, how come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?
Conrad: Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.
Woman: Okay Kids, everyone outside!
[Children scream and run out of the house, The Cat screams and the two run to the bush, Nevins grabs the grilled hot dog]
Conrad: Cat, get down! they're gonna see you! Hide!
[A Cat in the Hat-like Pinata is seen The kids run outside and grab their bats, the kids start chanting "Pinata!", and we see that The Cat is tied in a rope hanging from a tree branch like a Pinata]
Kids: Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! [A kid whacks the Cat with a bat]
Denise: Everybody join in! [children starts to whack the Cat with bats] It's breaking!
Dumb Schweitzer: [drags a bat before he can hit The Cat] Step out of my way.
Conrad: This cannot end well...
Ginny, Alan, Denise and the Children: Pinata! Pinata!
[Cat raises a flag back and forth before Dumb Schweitzer automatically whacks him in the groin with the bat, The Cat starts to scream in pain really loudly. then he goes into a mental state imagining himself as a woman swinging on a swing while wearing a milk maid outfit, and "Easy" plays]
Singer: Easy, Easy like Sunday mor-
[It cuts back to him screaming with his eyes widened and he howls in pain, Conrad and Sally groan because of the Cat's scream and Sally begins to cover her ears for real, Ginny, Alan, Denise, Dumb Schweitzer and the Children widen in shock hearing The Cat screaming while howling, and he continues to howl so very loud, making the children think that the Pinata is alive, causing them drop their bats, and Nevins drop the grilled hot dog until The Cat stops howling and starts whooping]
Conrad: I got an idea! [Grabs candy from the Pinata] Candy!
[the children get happy with their candy that they got from Conrad, the Cat growls and grabs the bat and he is about to whack Dumb Schweitzer]
Both: NO!
[Conrad and Sally get on to the cat and then they start fighting for sure the children are still cheering over their candy, Nevins comes running in the grass with a grilled hotdog]

[Meanwhile, inside the Walden residence, the phone is heard ringing and then Mrs Kwan falls off from the crate screaming]
Mrs. Kwan: I'd love to buy some.
Joan: Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?
Mrs. Kwan: [Chuckles] Those aren't children, they're little angels. [Thing 1 is dressed as Conrad and Thing 2 is dressed as Sally too, they laugh and Mrs. Kwan starts laughing]
Joan: That's sweet. Well, all right Mrs. Kwan I'll be home as soon as I can. bye-bye.

[Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]
Conrad: Wow! That is so cool!
Cat: That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposin' an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh! You mean SH–-
Cat: Oh! Quick to the SLOW! [chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
Conrad: RESCUE IT!
Cat: Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech. [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Siren!
Fish: What are you-- what- Siren? [the jets shoot fire, screams]
Cat: Let's go!
[The trio scream and The S.L.O.W. starts spinning around]
Larry: I'm sending Conrad, Awaaaaaaay.... [Nevins pees on his taco] OH! [Nevins barks] OH! [Sniffs his taco] OH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WHIZZED ON MY TACO! Wait 'till Joan gets a load of you!
Cat: There they are!
Fish: [points to the red light] Red light, red light, red light, red light, red light, red light... RED LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!! [Conrad, Sally and the Cat scream as the S.L.O.W. starts turning, the Fish yelps and falls onto the seat] Someone else should drive!
Cat: Alright. You win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!". Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
[the Cat wears a red cap upon his head, then pukes on the bag, Sally exclaims in disgust]
Sally: I want to drive.
Cat: I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat: You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel, it is made of chains, The S.L.O.W. starts doing donuts and the Trio starts screaming]
Conrad: Cat! Where are the brakes?
Cat: I'll get them. [Gets the brakes and rips it off the vehicle] I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? [Chortles] Bad brake! [throws the Brakes out]

[After the S.L.O.W. gets destroyed]
Fish: [Inside his water filled jar, he is okay] I think I wet my jar.
Conrad: Can we do that again? [The Cat pulls out keys and starts the vehicle, but it is not working] Hey, there he is! [Larry laughs and drives into Humberfloob's Real Estate] Oh no! He's going into mom's office! Come on, Cat!
Larry: You know, Nevins. When Joan finds out you escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.
Conrad: We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.
Sally: What are we going to do?
Cat: Don't worry, I have three plans. [opens a plan file, and the first one that says...] ...Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that... [flips through the first one and the second one saying...] ...Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.
Sally: What about that one?
Cat: [flips through a page and the third one was...] ...Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend over handing over Dog and Lock. [closes the Plan file] I don't know, I still like Plan B.
Both: Cat!
Cat: Okay, okay. Plan C. Look at you, Argh!
[Larry comes Walking down and sees a Cat, who is a hippie]
Zumzimeroo Man: Excuse me sir, I'd like you to sign my petition, Yeah.
Larry: Get out of my way, you hippie freak.
Zumzimeroo Man: Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzimeroo?
Larry: What will it take to get you out of my face?
Zumzimeroo Man: Just sign my petition, [hands over the petition to Larry] with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands, I see. [turns on the pen]
Both: Yes!
Larry: Will you hold my dog?
Zumzimeroo Man: Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse 'cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] How much is that Canine-American in the window?
Both: Cat, Come on!
Larry: [sees the trio running off with Nevins while signing the Petition] Hey, what the- COME BACK HERE! I'M ON TO YOU KIDS!
Cat: Nothing to see here. Come on, Kids!
[They run to the portable house, The trio opens the door leading to something so Larry won't see them]
Conrad: Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in! get in!
Cat: Come on, Let's go! Get in! Hi! Hi! Get in! Get in!
[They enter a portable house, it is a dance party house, the trio slides down]
Cat: Look out below! Oh! Sorry, over there. Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey! [screeches] Ohh! [Sees a woman dressed in a bikini dancing, he and her dance]
Larry: [enters the dance party house] I GOT YOU!
Sally: Here he comes...
Both: ...CAT! [Larry starts pushing everyone out of his way, and The Cat searches through hats]
Cat: Where's my hat? Let's go! Ah! Ah! My tail! My tail!
Conrad: Come on, Cat!
Cat: I'm walking here!

[elsewhere, Joan is driving the car and Larry is riding]
Larry: Look Joan, they don't beat them everyday. [the siren is heard]
Joan: Oh, great. [as "Danger: Dragnet theme" in the background, A police motorcycle parks on back of her car] I'm sorry, Officer. Was I Speeding?
Thing 1: [dressed as a policeman, with sunglasses] Mekka dekka license, appa registration. [Larry's car comes driving against Joan's car] Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama. [she gives Thing 1 the receipt]
Larry: Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away!
Joan: [as Thing 1 eats the receipt and stuffs it in his mouth] Please, let me handle this. I'm so sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.
Larry: [gets out of Joan's car] I'm not gonna let them get away with this! [Thing 2 lifts Thing 1 up yelling, Takes the motorcycle, chasing Cat, Conrad and Sally] MEET ME AT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Inside the Walden residence, the Purple bubbles are everywhere, but the Giant bubble is let out, Cat parks Larry's Car, Conrad and Sally run to the door, but then stops them]
Larry: Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside.
Conrad: Oh, you don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total-
Larry: Aah! [When the three return inside, they notice that the house is clean]
Conrad: Sally, What about the Mother of all Messes?
Sally: I don't know.
Larry: [sneezes] Why am i Sneezing?
Cat: [taps Larry's shoulder] That'd be me. Boo! [laughs]
Larry: [starts stumbling backwards] You're a giant... [sneezing] CAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! [screams, tears the wall paper, revealing Cat's world, falls off from the cliff, last words] JUUUUUUDAAAAAAAAS PRIEEEEEEEST!!! [splashes into the river]

[After Mrs. Kwan slides down like a rollercoaster]
Sally: We're going to ride Mrs. Kwan?
Cat: Sure, it's the only way to the crate. Hop on! Oh, this gonna be good! Please keep your hands and feet in the Kwan at all times! Enjoy the ride! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the dining room!
Sally: This is the dining room?
Cat: Hey, look. Chandelier!
[Fire comes out from the toilet]
Conrad: Is that the bathroom? [Fire comes out from the toilet again]
Cat: You might wanna hold it for a while. [Fire comes out from the toilet yet another time] Something like that really burns my-
[The trio starts to scream while Mrs. Kwan slides down the river like a rollercoaster]
Conrad: This is amazing! It's like a ride at an amusement park!
Cat: You mean like at [pulls out Tickets to Universal Studios] Universal Studios, [laughs] Cha-Ching!

[Despite closing the crate, the house returns back to normal, but suddenly falls apart, the stairs getting destroyed, the living room getting destroyed, the dining room getting destroyed, cut to outside the Waldens Residence, the house starts to rumble and the white faucet is seen, Larry starts screaming, (after he literally thinked that the trio took Nevins, saw the trio drove his car, stopped and prevented Conrad and Sally, sees a Giant Cat who taps him by his shoulder, tears the paper wall, and falls off the cliff) he is now covered in purple goo, and groans, The house still falls apart much to the kids shock, but the Cat is celebrating]
Cat: I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I-- [The kids glare at him; slightly annoyed] Okay. We did it.
Sally: I don't think we did anything.
Conrad: The place is still a wreck! Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything will be okay! But it's not, it is a complete disaster!
Cat: [Flatly] Well, what are you gonna do? [Pause, suddenly dons a tennis uniform] Tennis, everyone?! [He opens his hat and some balls fall off and then he sniffs one of them] Ohh! [Growls] Love that new ball ball smell. Yeah.
Conrad: [He and Sally are appalled] Hey! the hat, it's magic again?!
Cat: [as he realizes he lied about his hat] Oops! Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor... why don't you serf first?
Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?!
Cat: Uh-yup! I planned the whole day! [Laughs]
Conrad: [He and Sally are more appalled] What do you mean, "you planned the whole day"? All of it?!
Cat: Uh-yup!
Sally: The house getting trashed?!
Cat: Uh-yup.
Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?!
Cat: Uh-yup!
Sally: Cutting off your tail?!
Cat: Uh-Nope. No, no. [More debris fall, startling the Cat]
Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?
Cat: Why do you think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian Doubles?
[Hits the ball with his racket and breaks a window, he apologizes after the cat is heard yowling, then The Cat has just revealed to the children that he planned the whole day, which involves the house getting trashed]
Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
Conrad: Cat... you need to get out.
Cat: I don't know that game.
Conrad: It's not a game. NONE of this is a game!
Cat: [Confused; yet upset] But... I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. "It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how." And you DON'T know when enough is enough. Now, GO!
Cat: [Heartbroken] Suzy... Cromwell... Please.
Conrad, Sally: [In Unison] OUT!!
[Cat looks down completely heartbroken and heads for the door, then he stops turns around and tries to say something, but...]
Conrad, Sally: [In Unison] OUT!!!!
[A piece of woods falls down crashing as Cat looks down in depression again, and he leaves the house]
Conrad: I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
Conrad: Really? Why?
Sally: Two reasons. One, the stairs are destroyed. Two, this is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
Conrad: Thanks, Sally.
Sally: By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
Conrad: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school.

Cat: Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate (and we know he will), the contract shall be null and void.". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated.". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
Both: YEAH!!!
Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.
Both: D-I-R-T?
Cat: That's right! [wheezing laugh]

Cat: Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [he takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"] Looks like everything's in balance. [to Sally] But you're still smoking way too many cigars. [to Conrad] And you, lay off the sauce! [he puts away his phunometer]
Sally: Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.
Conrad: [embraces Sally] For everything.
Cat: Conrad? Sally? Adieu. [leaves for the back door]
Sally: CAT!
Conrad: CAT!
Sally: Wait, Cat!
Conrad: Don't go!
Cat: Aw... [hears the front door] Oh!

[last lines]
Narrator: Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days...
The Cat: [the narrator is revealed to be the Cat using a voice-changer] Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?
[Joan spends quality time with her children, jumping on the living room couch, while the Cat along with Things 1 and 2 walk off into the sunset]
The Cat: Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.

Deleted Scenes

[Second verse of "Fun, Fun, Fun"]
There was this high strung cat, who thought she knew it all, The way she scheduled out her day could drive you up the wall, She liked to be the teacher's pet, always the head of the class, It took a ton of TNT to kill the bug up her a-, Ah... ah... Ask me!
Was she fun, fun, fun? Not a chance; You can’t have fun, fun, fun, if you’re uptight, So loosen up and lose this list; life isn’t such a riddle, You can’t spell “fun” without “U” in the middle

[Fish is trying to talk to Joan on the phone]
Joan: Who is this?
Fish: It's me, I'm talking to you!

[A deleted scene shows Thing 1 drinking a bottle of water and throws it away, The camera zooms out and it is revealed that he is standing in a pile of empty bottles, Joan comes driving on screen]
Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.
Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!
Thing 1: Mekka-dekka earthquake!
[Howls and the Water comes onscreen, Joan sighs in embarrassment, Another deleted scene shows Thing 1 opening Instant Havoc Box showing, Blizzard, Fire, Explosive Diarrhea, Earthquake, Locusts, Tornado, Hurricane and Flood, he picks Flood and drops it in the jug of water]
Thing 1: Woohoo! Shake! Shake! Shake, Shake!
[Joan comes driving on screen]
Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.
Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!
Thing 1: Mekka-dekka, let her rip!
[opens the jug, which sprays water and the water comes onscreen, Joan sighs in embarrassment, Yet another deleted scene shows Joan comes driving on screen]
Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.
Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!
Thing 1: Mekka-dekka, Let er Rip!
[turns on the TNT power, the waterfall explodes, Thing 1 gets scared and starts the boat and Sails away, Water comes onscreen and Joan sighs in embarrassment]

Larry: [angrily walks on to Nevins] Hold still while I kick the tar out of here. [Nevins starts growling, screams before Nevins bites his pants] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, NOOO, LET GO, LET GO, MY LEG!!!
[the pants get torn off of Larry's legs, he is no longer wearing pants cause Nevins tore them off, then Nevins angrily chases him as the Repomen tows Larry's car]
Denise: Thanks for the cupcakes, Sally.
Sally: I made it just for you, Guys.
Dumb Schweitzer: [touches the candle] Ow, hot.

DVD Menu

[from DVD menu]
Conrad: [gets spit out of a tube from the Cat's hat] Whoa! Cool!
Sally: [gets spit out next] Ugh! Well that was rather rude.
Conrad: I thought it was pretty cool.
Sally: You would.
Conrad: You should.
Sally: [to viewer] Oh, hello there. I'm Sally, and welcome to the Cat in the Hat DVD.
Conrad: And I'm Conrad, and if you click over here, I'll show you some real cool stuff about the film.
Sally: Or if you click on my side, I'll tell you some amazing stories about how they made the movie.
Conrad: Don't listen to Sally, her stuff is boring! Click over here!
Sally: The word you're looking for is interesting.
The Fish: [rising from the hat] Remember the fish?

[cut back to the DVD Menu]
Sally: Hurry up and click something.
Conrad: Hello? Anybody home?
Sally: I'm going to throw my whole schedule off. [presses a button]
Speaker: Let's get this party started! Oh-ho!
Conrad: [sighs] Okay, but you asked for it. [presses a button, then firing a pink splat on the screen, the wiping it off] Your turn again, Sally.
Sally: Tell us anyone? [presses a button, then putting a tennis racket up for a ball, then cheering]
Announcer: Advantage: Sally.
Conrad: Hey, Sal, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Sally: Aye-aye, Captain.
Conrad: She's ready.
Sally: Ready.
Conrad: On my mark, three, two, one, go!
[they both press a button, then putting pink splats on screen, then wiping it off again]
Sally: Whoo-hoo!
Conrad: Yes. Great.
Sally: Well, Conrad, I guess it's just you and me.
Conrad: Then it's our turn to have fun. [presses a button, then the disco ball appears, then they both dance]
The Fish: Put it down!
[they continue dancing]
The Fish: Oh! Help! Game motion sickness. Oh! Oh!
[they both stop dancing, then the disco ball puts back in the hat]

Taglines

  • The ultimate game of cat and house.
  • Don't mess with the hat.
  • The Cat is Back!
  • Cats with hats only.

Cast

External links