The Cat in the Hat (film)

OH, YEAH!

The Cat in the Hat is a 2003 American comedy film, about two bored kids whose life is turned upside down when a talking cat comes to visit them.

Directed by Bo Welch. Written by Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, loosely based on the 1957 book of the same name by Dr. Seuss. Released on November 21, 2003.

The ultimate game of cat and house.(taglines)

Dialogue

[It starts off with the clouds, first lines in the film, a Walt Disney-like narrator which is the cat in the hat is heard speaking off-screen]

Narrator: There are gajillions of stores of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one about a mom and two kids, a house and a hat that oddly enough, [camera zooms into the clouds and the film title design appearing] was worn by a cat, but soon we will get to all of that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled, that city is Anville. [view of the Anville with people hungry for tutti-frutti, with shopping bags]

Kid: Hurry up! We'll miss the movie!

Man: Any more tutti-frutti?

Man #2: I'll check. Thanks!

Narrator: It's a town that's not huge, but not quite big enough for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [the Hand Sanitizer truck is shown and the horn is heard honking] So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob [the employee puts a box of sanitizer on the mover] in the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.

[inside Humberfloob's Real estate, a guy is shown moving the sanitizer boxes]

Woman: Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?

[people are chattering, Joan is talking on the phone.]

Joan Walden: What do you mean you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02]

Mr. Hank Humberfloob: Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and ran away to their seats] Look alive everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!

[a businessman shakes Humberfloob's hands, leaving everyone in shock]

Jim McFlinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.

Jim McFlinnigan: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.

Jim McFlinnigan: But I...

Mr. Humberfloob: [he screams in a high level of attitude] FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of hand sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.

Joan: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.

Mr. Humberfloob: Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture of Conrad and Sally] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause, he screams again in a very loud-toned voice] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]

Joan: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.

Mr. Humberfloob: Great! [Joan leaves]

Woman: Humberfloob real estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.

[Camera zooms onto the picture of Joan's kids and we see an aerial shot of the street]

Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborhood "Hey!".

Man 1: Hey!

Man 2: Hey!

Narrator: Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.

[camera zooms into the door hole, inside the house is a dog named Nevins barking as Conrad walks downstairs with hairy black feet with claws, Nevins barks]

Conrad: Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!

[then later, Sally is doing her to-do list on her tap pad]

Sally: Today's to-do list, Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [Conrad walks to the kitchen] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [Conrad dumps the apples and the bits out of the bowls] What is he doing?

[Conrad knocks over the tray full of flower-shaped cookies, takes out a drawer with stuff in it, looks for the tape, Nevins groans, Conrad gets the popcorn out of the fridge and the one that is being warmed in the microwave]

Sally: Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.

Conrad: [he walks upstairs with a bowl and the teddy bear on top of it, the 2 bread packs and 6 sponge cake pack, the color marshmallows on his elbows and the popcorn on his knees] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins barks] Nevins, your attention please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!

Sally: Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related.

Conrad: Relax, I'll put everything back. [stuffs the bread on his pants, and Nevins runs off, he eats the bread, talking with his mouth full] and now for the indoor stair luge!

Sally: "Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.

Conrad: Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [about to get on the tray as Nevins whines and covers her ears, Conrad slides down the stairs yelling and cheering, Joan comes to the house with groceries and her new dress, but screams when they're hit by Conrad] YEAH! [Crashes into Joan's car]

Sally: [As Nevins runs out of the house] Nevins? Nevins, Come back!!!!!!!!

Conrad: Hey, Mom, what's up?

---

Joan: You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.

Conrad: Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault.

---

Conrad: Mom, That guy's a total phony, you can't let Larry-

Joan: [Interrupting] It's Lawrence, Conrad. [hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer named Kate is shown holding the box]

Kate: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.

Joan: Oh hi. Where's Kate?

Kate: I'm Kate.

Joan: Oh. Right this way, Kate. [she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it]

Conrad: Mom, you've gotta listen to me-- [phone rings]

Joan: QUIET!

Sally: Two weeks ago, you said you would-- [Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate] I "specialed" it. see?

Joan: Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! [phone rings] Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.

Mr. Humberfloob: This is Mr. Humberfloob.

Joan: Oh hi, Mr. Humberfloob.

Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you come back to the office.

Joan: Today?

Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. No problem.

Joan: No problem at all.

Mr. Humberfloob: Great!

Sally: [as Joan hangs up the phone] What's going on, Mommy?

Joan: Mommy has to go back to the Office, Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can Babysit!

Conrad: Not Mrs. Kwan! [cut to the veiw of the door, It's a elder Taiwanese woman named Mrs. Kwan, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door]

Joan: Hi, Mrs. Kwan.

Mrs. Kwan: [holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools] Hi.

Joan: Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. [Mrs. Kwan yawns] Conrad's grounded, so no video games. [takes Conrad's gamepad away] Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend, Ginny's house.

Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.

Joan: What about Denise, then?

Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.

Joan: And you don't like bossy?

Sally: I won't tolerate it.

Joan: Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".

Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?

Joan: [thinks for a moment] No chewing tobacco.

Sally: Thanks, Mom. You have my word.

Joan: And absolutely, No one sets foot in the l living room or else...

Conrad: or else what you're going to do what Larry said and send me the military school?

Joan: Maybe If you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.

Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.

Joan: Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.

[So now, She walks outside and to the car]

Joan: Good luck with your meeting!

[Larry blows a kiss for Joan as she leaves, Conrad and Sally look out the window. Larry starts to sneeze rapidly]

Mrs. Kwan: Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother! [Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, a TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting]

Conrad and Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.

Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! [karate noises] Rip his heart out! [Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down] Hit me! [she then falls asleep]

---

Conrad: I think it came from the closet.

[Conrad and Sally both walk slowly into the door, Conrad goes to the door and reaches the door knob starts turning it and implying it to be open Conrad peaks in the darker room and then starts walking quietly and then screams after getting caught]

Sally: Conrad? Conrad? Come on, Conrad. Ah! [a black teddy bear flies into her face, Conrad laughs, she gives Conrad back the black bear plush] You shouldn't scare people.

Conrad: [throws his bear back in the closet] You should've seen the look on your face. You look like you saw a monster.

[We cut to The Cat In The Hat, who has appeared.]

The Cat in the Hat: A monster? Where?

Conrad and Sally: Ahhhhh!

Cat: That could've gone better.

[Conrad and Sally scream and run to the closet]

Sally: What was that?

Conrad: I don't know, it looked like a humongous cat.

Cat: [turns on the light] Humongous? I prefer the term "big boned" or "jolly". Now what are we hiding from? [laughs as Conrad and Sally scream, and they run to Joan's Bedroom, and they hide under the bed]

Sally: That was a giant cat!

Conrad: But that's impossible, isn't it?

Cat: [He hides under the bed with them.] It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better, they'll never find us here. [pauses] Scream and run. [Conrad and Sally crawl out of Joan's bed screaming] And there they go.

Sally: Who are you?

Cat: Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"?..."key lime"?..."turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!

Sally: Where did you come from?

Cat: Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?

Cat: My place, what do you think?

Conrad: No, how did you get here?

Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!

Sally: Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?

Cat: Milk? Ecch! NO! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. [laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard] Hello! Surf's up! [laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back] Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo of Joan] Who is this? [in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]

Conrad: That's my mom.

[Record scratch]

Cat: Awkward. Yeah. [his hat slumps back down; he puts the photo in his pouch] Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. [he laughs then sits down] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. [camera zooms out to reveal he is sitting on Mrs. Kwan while sleeping, he begins to bounce] WHO IS THIS DREADFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE WOMAN?!

Sally: Get off her. That's our babysitter.

Cat: [sits up] What the? "Babysitter"? You don't need one of those, do ya? [picks up a hangar, then hangs a sleeping Mrs. Kwan on it, Conrad and Sally laugh] Lemme get this straight. You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. [hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet] I'd do it for nothing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hmmm! [the two walk] Now, let's see what the old [holds up the Phunometer] Phunometer has to say.

Sally: "Phunometer"?

The Cat: Yeah, it just measures how you fun you are. [laughs, The Cat uses his phunometer on Sally as it reads "Control Freak"] Ah! Control Freak. [the phunometer gets off of Sally's forehead] Now you. [uses the phunometer on Conrad] Hi, how are ya? Oh! [the phunometer reads "Rule Breaker" then the "Bedwetter", he starts whimpering]

Conrad: Tap it.

Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change. [wheezes as he puts away the phunometer] Just as I suspected, you guys are both outta whack. Mm-hmm. You're a control freak and now you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700, [picks up a mini paper cutter with a check receipt] Who's your insurance carrier? Who's your insurance carrier? [slides the cutter part]

Conrad: So what do we do?

Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend, [pulls out a shot] One is a series of a painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. [Sprays a shot, making a little water come out of it] And the other... Involves a musical number! [does the trumpet while doing the musical number] ME-ME-ME-MEOW!!!

Sally: How many shots?

Cat: [wheezingly copies Sally] "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

---

Fish: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!

Conrad: Who said that?

Fish: ME! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then NOTHING!

Sally: The fish is talking.

Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No...

Fish: Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.

Cat: C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees. [laughs]

---

[After signing a contract, and the two high-foured The Cat]

Cat: Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [he chuckles] What now?

Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.

Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.

Cat: And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!

[puts on his name tag, but it is a mechanic-like Cat is seen]

Catwrench: Yee-Haw! Let's Take a Look under the hood! [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker] Yeah. Just doing my job [farts] Sorry, what have we got here... [pulls out a tennis racket] Here we go... It's oversized, That's unusual. [pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter] Here it is. [An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! [takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk, it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Spray me, would you? Oh---

[He gets caught by an elephant trunk, and it starts choking Catwrench, he starts punching him, and the elephant whimpers and after it whimpers]

Catwrench: Thanks for the help. [gets under the couch] back in a second, who's your couch mechanic? you better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! [starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under] My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! [ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] That oughta do it! Whew!

[The couch then falls onto the floor, The Cat happily laughs and jumps on a couch, and jumps in another couch and then jumps on the couch again]

Cat: Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!

Sally: What about Mom's party?

Conrad: What about it? We signed the contract! [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]

Cat: One cushion left, Sally!

Conrad: She'll never do it. She doesn't Know how to have fun.

The Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.

[Flashback shows Joan talking to Conrad and Sally]

Joan: [In flashback with her voice slowed down] Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...

[Another flashback shows Mr. Humberfloob repeating...]

Mr. Humberfloob: [In flashback] ...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...

[End of flashback]

Fish: And that's why... [The Cat grabs him and he Screams in shock, And gets thrown into the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!

[Then, Sally joins in with Conrad and The Cat]

Conrad: This is amazing!

Sally: Like being in the circus!

The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See kids, I told you we could have fun.

[The camera cuts to the door, Unbeknownst to The Cat, Conrad and Sally, Larry then opens the door, he is revealed to be wearing Yellow pants, a blue jean jacket, and a white tank top]

Conrad: The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.

Larry: Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Sally: Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!

Larry: Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!

[Quinn laughs and walks to the kitchen Conrad and Sally both look both ways to see the couch that The Cat has jumped on]

Sally: Where's the cat?

Conrad: I don't know.

Larry: [Comes back on screen with beer and bread, burps as Sally starts to exclaim in disgust] Good bread. What are you two looking at? [The Cat jumps onto the couch. flies up, and hangs in the ceiling, starts scratching his hair, fur starts falling on him, starts sneezing] Is there a Cat in here? [continues sneezing] I'm gonna-- [Sneezes] You're gonna-- [Sneezes] I have to-- [Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again] Get out of here. [sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]

Cat: See, kids. I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. [Cat Suddenly sneezes just like Larry and falls off from the ceiling screaming] Little known fact, Cats always land on their tushy!

Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.

Cat: Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!

---

Announcer: Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.

The Guy in the Sweater: Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...

Cheshire Cat: ME! Hello! [applause] Now...Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

The Guy in the Sweater: I know I do. [laughs]

Cheshire Cat: [slides appliances off the counter] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...for the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]

The Guy in the Sweater: Cupcake-a-what?

Cheshire Cat: [the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

The Guy in the Sweater: Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?

Cheshire Cat: Anything!

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: Yes, anything.

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: Anything.

The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?

Cheshire Cat: [angrily turns to the guy in the sweater] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know why, a carton of eggs.

The Guy in the Sweater: [amazed] What?!

Cheshire Cat: How about a pack of hot dogs?

The Guy in the Sweater: [laughing] That's incredible!

Cheshire Cat: Why not some ketchup?

The Guy in the Sweater: Yes, why not?!

Cheshire Cat: How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close for the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle.

The Guy in the Sweater: What an astounding product! [laughs]

The Cat in the Hat: Oh yeah!

Cheshire Cat: Open for the drawer. [drawer open] Fill up the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close for the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!

Cheshire Cat: You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]

The Guy in the Sweater: Now wait just a minute...

Cheshire Cat: And your ugly, just like your mum.

The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just call my mother ugly?

Cheshire Cat: [furiously holds up a meat cutter] OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU! [violently grunts as he accidentally cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]

Sally: Um, Cat... Your tail.

Cheshire Cat: What about it? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [shockingly sees his tail cut in half, then angrily curses] SON OF A BI--

[A loud and long bleep is heard, along with The Cat covering Conrad and Sally's ears, the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go for the "Hang in There, Baby!"]

Cat: Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.

Conrad: Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

Cat: Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.

Conrad: Conrad.

Cat: That's what I said, Condor.

Conrad: Cat!

Cat: Now, that's my name!

[The Cat opens up an umbrella to shield himself, and the kids. The oven short circuits, and purple cupcake frosting explodes out of the oven, making a mess.]

Cat: Yep. They're done!

Conrad: Oh, man!

---

The Cat: [holding Joan's dress] Look, I'm a girl. [purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad are horrified]

Sally: STOP! THAT'S...

Conrad and Sally: MOM'S DRESS!!!

The Cat: [shocked] This filthy thing?

Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it.

The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps his fingers two times] Mmmm, mmmm, yeah, [snaps his fingers two times again] Mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...

The Fish: I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! [the Cat groans] A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.

---

Thing 2: Don't belittle me.

Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears for the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

Thing 2: And all of the above.

Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da! Or Ben.

Thing 2: [chuckles] "Ben".

[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]

Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. [for the Things bickering] Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! [quickly closes for the crate after Conrad foolishly opened it] Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.

Cat: This isn't just any ol' crate. It's for the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".

Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening for the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?

Thing 1: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.

[The Cat holds up a crab-shaped lock, crawls and holds from the open handle at the crate]

---

Cat: [to Ms. Kwan] If this were my house, I'd be furious. [realizes the Crab Lock on the crate disappeared] Hey, Klondike! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?

Conrad: It's on Nevins' collar.

Cat: Nevins?

---

Cat: Zinga! [Drinks pineapple punch with an umbrella and a goofy straw, Things cackle]

Thing 2: Zinga, Zinga! [The two accidentally catch themselves with nets]

Thing 1: Blue! 41! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Sally: Hey Thing! Don't let go of that dog!

Thing 1: Let go! [throws Nevins, and he comes flying like a football]

Conrad: Catch him! I mean, don't catch him! [screams and Nevins flies outside the window and lands in the ground, the Crab lock chuckles]

---

Cat: Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's going to happen if we don't lock this crate! Take a look! It's already leaking!

---

[After putting a heavy, weigh, inanimate object that looks like Mrs. Kwan on the crate]

Cat: There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go go go! [The trio leave off screen]

[At his apartment, Larry is taking his harness off and then sits in his rocking chair. Takes his false teeth out and puts them in an empty glass cup. Door knocks]

Larry: Yeah! [two Repomen enter his apartment] What do you want now?

Repo Guy: [Gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice] Repo.

Larry: You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. [Gets out his wallet] If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired. [the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television, So he looks outside]

Narrator: With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Larry gets the phone and Joan then answers who's on the phone]

Joan: Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-

Larry: Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.

Joan: You're kidding.

Larry: Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.

Joan: I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.

Larry: Uh-huh.

Joan: [sighs] But I suppose it's something I should consider.

Larry: I'll get the dog, I'll be right over. [Dial tone hums and Joan puts up the phone, Larry picks on his belly button and groans]

[Later, we then cut to the trio who goes on a lookout for Nevins who enters the backyard, And Frank is seen in his doghouse]

Conrad: Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.

[The Two and the Cat jump down the ground, Conrad and Sally start sneaking and we hear violin strings plucking, But it is The Cat, who was plucking his whiskers]

Cat: I though the moment needed something.

Fish: [comes out of the jar] Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! [starts to get upset] I CAN'T GO! I DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S [acts like a dried-up fish] DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Conrad: Fish!

Fish: [still upset] IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!

Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?

Fish: [stops crying] On second thought, It was such a beautiful day, Why can't it spend indoors?

Cat: Thank you! [The Fish gasps and holds his breath and he gets inside the Jar]

---

[In the backyard is a birthday party, Nevins is yipping for the grilled hot dog]

Conrad: There he is!

[The trio look into the window, A man places the birthday cake with candles in it on the table, The girl with a blue dress, Another girl with a green dress, a preteen boy is shown and some kids are seen in this party]

Sally: Denise? Everybody I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan, how come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?

Conrad: Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.

Woman: Okay Kids, everyone outside!

[Children scream and run out of the house, The Cat screams and the two run to the bush, Nevins grabs the grilled hot dog]

Conrad: Cat, get down! they're gonna see you! Hide!

[A Cat in the Hat-like Pinata is seen The kids run outside and grab their bats, the kids start chanting "Pinata!", and we see that The Cat is tied in a rope hanging from a tree branch like a Pinata]

Kids: Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! [A kid whacks the Cat with a bat]

Denise: Everybody join in! [children starts to whack the Cat with bats] It's breaking!

Dumb Schweitzer: [drags a bat before he can hit The Cat] Step out of my way.

Conrad: This cannot end well...

Ginny, Alan, Denise and the Children: Pinata! Pinata!

[Cat raises a flag back and forth before Dumb Schweitzer automatically whacks him in the groin with the bat, The Cat starts to scream in pain really loudly. then he goes into a mental state imagining himself as a woman swinging on a swing while wearing a milk maid outfit, and "Easy" plays]

Singer: Easy, Easy like Sunday mor-

[It cuts back to him screaming with his eyes widened and he howls in pain, Conrad and Sally groan because of the Cat's scream and Sally begins to cover her ears for real, Ginny, Alan, Denise, Dumb Schweitzer and the Children widen in shock hearing The Cat screaming while howling, and he continues to howl so very loud, making the children think that the Pinata is alive, causing them drop their bats, and Nevins drop the grilled hot dog until The Cat stops howling and starts whooping]

Conrad: I got an idea! [Grabs candy from the Pinata] Candy!

[the children get happy with their candy that they got from Conrad, the Cat growls and grabs the bat and he is about to whack Dumb Schweitzer]

Both: NO!

[Conrad and Sally get on to the cat and then they start fighting for sure the children are still cheering over their candy, Nevins comes running in the grass with a grilled hotdog. Meanwhile, inside the Walden residence, the phone is heard ringing and then Mrs. Kwan falls off from the crate screaming]

Mrs. Kwan: I'd love to buy some.

Joan: Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?

Mrs. Kwan: [Chuckles] Those aren't children, they're little angels. [Thing 1 is dressed as Conrad and Thing 2 is dressed as Sally too, they laugh and Mrs. Kwan starts laughing]

Joan: That's sweet. Well, all right Mrs. Kwan I'll be home as soon as I can. bye-bye.

---

[Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]

Conrad: Wow! That is so cool!

Cat: That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally: S-L-O-W?

Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad: Oh! You mean----

Cat: [cutting Conrad off] D'OH! Quick, to the SLOW! [chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.

Conrad: RESCUE it!

Cat: Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech. [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Siren!

Fish: What are you - what - Siren? [the jets shoot fire, screams]

Cat: LET'S GO!

---

Larry: [sing-song] I'm sending Conrad away! [Nevins urinates on the taco] Oh! [looks at the taco, sniffs it, looking disgusted] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait 'till Joan gets a load of you!

Cat: There they are!

Fish: [points to the red light] Red light, red light, red light, red light, red light, red light... RED LIGHT!!!!! [Conrad, Sally and the Cat scream as the S.L.O.W. starts turning, the Fish yelps and falls onto the seat] Someone else should drive!

Cat: Alright. You win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]

Conrad: Are you serious?

Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!". Now punch it.

Conrad: This is awesome!

[the Cat wears a red cap upon his head, then pukes on the bag, Sally exclaims in disgust]

Sally: I want to drive.

Cat: I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]

Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

Cat: You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel, it is made of chains, The S.L.O.W. starts doing donuts and the Trio starts screaming]

Conrad: Cat! Where are the brakes?

Cat: I'll get them. [Gets the brakes and rips it off the vehicle] I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? [Chortles] Bad brake! [throws the Brakes out]

---

[After the S.L.O.W. gets destroyed]

Fish: [Inside his water filled jar, he is okay] I think I wet my jar.

Conrad: Can we do that again? [The Cat pulls out keys and starts the vehicle, but it is not working] Hey, there he is! [Larry laughs and drives into Humberfloob's Real Estate] Oh no! He's going into mom's office! Come on, Cat!

Larry: You know, Nevins. When Joan finds out you escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.

Conrad: We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.

Sally: What are we going to do?

Cat: Don't worry, I have three plans. [opens a plan file, and the first one that says...] ...Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that... [flips through the first one and the second one saying...] ...Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.

Sally: What about that one?

Cat: [flips through a page and the third one was...] ...Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend over handing over Dog and Lock. [closes the Plan file] I don't know, I still like Plan B.

Both: Cat!

Cat: Okay, okay. Plan C. Look at you, Argh!

[Larry comes Walking down and sees the Cat, who is a hippie]

Zumzimeroo Man: Excuse me sir, I'd like you to sign my petition, Yeah.

Larry: Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

Zumzimeroo Man: Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzimeroo?

Larry: What will it take to get you out of my face?

Zumzimeroo Man: Just sign my petition, [hands over the petition to Larry] with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands.

Larry: I see.

[The Cat turns on the pen]

Both: Yes!

Larry: Will you hold my dog?

Zumzimeroo Man: Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse 'cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] How much is that Canine-American in the window?

Both: Cat, Come on!

Larry: [sees the trio running off with Nevins while signing the Petition] Hey, what the- COME BACK HERE! I'M ON TO YOU KIDS!

Cat: Nothing to see here. Come on, Kids!

[They run to the portable house, The trio opens the door leading to something so Larry won't see them]

Conrad: Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in! get in!

Cat: Come on, Let's go! Get in! Hi! Hi! Get in! Get in!

[They enter a portable house, it is a dance party house, there were dancing people including some people with The Cat In The Hat hats and costumes, the trio slides down]

Cat: Look out below! Oh! Sorry, over there. Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey! [stops to a halt] Ohh! [Sees a woman dressed in a bikini dancing, he and her dance]

Larry: [enters the dance party house] I GOT YOU!

Sally: Here he comes...

Both: ...CAT! [Larry starts pushing everyone out of his way, and The Cat searches through hats]

Cat: Where's my hat? Let's go! Ah! Ah! My tail! My tail!

Conrad: Come on, Cat!

Cat: I'm walking here!

[They run away to the fountain]

Lawrence: Joan. Joan!

Sally: I think we lost him.

Crab Lock: [about to be put in Conrad's pocket] NOT THE POCKET! NOT THE POCKET!

Conrad: We got the lock back. Now let's get home.

Cat: Relax, kid. I'm all over it. [looks at his hat] Hey.

Conrad: What's wrong?

Cat: This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.

Sally: So?

Cat: [puts back his hat on] So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.

Lawrence: Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs. [he and Joan are walking to the car] Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Joan, you're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on.

Cat: We're doomed!

Conrad: We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!

[The things pull up with Larry's car]

Thing: We're goin' on a road trip!

Conrad: Larry's car?

Cat: How'd you get so smart?

---

[elsewhere, Joan is driving the car and Larry is riding]

Larry: Look Joan, they don't beat them everyday. [the siren is heard]

Joan: Oh, great. [A police motorcycle parks on back of her car] I'm sorry, Officer. Was I Speeding?

Thing 1: [dressed as a policeman, with sunglasses] Mekka dekka license, appa registration. [Larry's car comes driving against Joan's car] Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama. [she gives Thing 1 the receipt]

Larry: Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away!

Joan: [as Thing 1 eats the receipt and stuffs it in his mouth] Please, let me handle this. I'm so sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.

Larry: [gets out of Joan's car] I'm not gonna let them get away with this! [Thing 2 lifts Thing 1 up yelling, Takes the motorcycle, chasing Cat, Conrad and Sally] MEET ME AT THE HOUSE!

[Inside the Walden residence, the Purple bubbles are everywhere, but the Giant bubble is let out, Cat parks Larry's Car, Conrad and Sally run to the door, but then stops them]

Larry: Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside.

Conrad: Oh, you don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total-

Larry: Aah!

Conrad: What happened? What about the Mother of All Messes?

Sally: I don't know.

Larry: [sneezes] Why am I sneezing?

[A white glove taps on Larry's shoulder.]

Cat: That'd be me. Boo! [laughs]

Larry: You're a giant... [sneezes, screams] Cat! [falls off the edge] Judas Priest! [lands on purple ocean]

---

Cat: See, Corn Dog? This is why I warned you not to open the crate!

---

Conrad: [seeing flames in the toilet] Is that the toilet?

Cat: You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my eyes!

[The trio starts to scream while Mrs. Kwan slides down the river like a rollercoaster]

Conrad: This is amazing! It's like a ride at an amusement park!

Cat: You mean like at [pulls out Tickets to Universal Studios] Universal Studios, [laughs] Cha-Ching!

---

[After the crate is locked, the house returns back to normal, the house returns back to normal, but suddenly falls apart, the stairs getting destroyed, the living room getting destroyed, the dining room getting destroyed, cut to outside the Waldens Residence, the house starts to rumble and the white faucet is seen, Larry starts screaming, he is now covered in purple goo, and groans, The house still falls apart much to the kids shock]

Cat: [jumping excitedly] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! [notices Sally and Conrad] Okay, we did it.

Sally: I don't think we did anything.

Conrad: [angrily scolds Cat] The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!

Cat: Well, what are you gonna do? [in a tennis outfit] Tennis, anyone? [swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one] Ooh...Love that new ball smell.

Conrad: [surprised] Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?

Cat: Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?

Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?

Cat: Uh-yup. I planned the whole day. [wheezing laugh]

Conrad: What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Sally: The house getting trashed?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?

Cat: Uh-yup.

Sally: Cutting off your tail?

Cat: Uh-nope. No. [a piece of the house falls behind him with a crash, startling him]

Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?

Cat: Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles? [serves a ball, which shatters a window, a cat yowling is heard]

Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.

Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.

Cat: I don't know that game.

Conrad: It's not a game. None of this is a game.

Cat: [starts to become dejected] But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.

Conrad: Look around, Cat, you were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. But you don't know when enough is enough. Now, GO!

Cat: [sadly] Suzy...Cromwell...Please.

Sally and Conrad: [furiously pointing] OUT! [heartbroken, the Cat turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something, resulting the two kids pointing once more] OUT!

[Suddenly, another piece of the house falls, and the Cat finally walks out the door, away from the house. Conrad and Sally look around at the demolished house, devastated]

Fish: [comes out of the jar] Good riddance! Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... [debris of the house falls over from behind Conrad and Sally] Like I said, not the time. [goes back into the jar]

Sally: [as she takes her coat off] I'll get the mop and the bucket. Conrad, you might wanna get out of here until Mom has a chance to calm down.

Conrad: [sadly] No, this was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?

Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.

Conrad: [confused] Really? Why?

Sally: Two reasons. One: The stairs are destroyed. Two... This is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.

Conrad: [smiles in a satisfied way] Thanks, Sally.

Sally: [smiles back] By the way, you're a pretty good brother.

Conrad: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. [the front doorknob slowly turns] Well, here goes.

[Conrad and Sally watch as the front door opens, and The Cat in the Hat returns, riding a machine. He laughs as he re-enters the house on his machine, and Conrad and Sally stare in astonishment and smile]

Cat: [singing] Bet you thought I'd gone, bet you felt a sting, bet you never thought I'd have another song to sing! But now that you've learned your lesson, allow me to blow your mind by reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed! [his song ends and goes back to speaking] Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate, the contract shall be null and void". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.

Both: YEAH!

Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.

Both: D-I-R-T?

Cat: That's right! [wheezing laugh]

[Proceeds to clean the whole house during the Beatles remix song "Getting Better" by Smash Mouth in the background]

---

[After completely cleaning and fixing the house, along with cleaning Conrad, Sally, Mrs. Kwan, Nevins and Mom's dress, Thing 1 and Thing 2 wave good-bye, going back into the crate, it automatically closes and shrinks, and the Cat puts the shrunken crate back into his hat]

Cat: Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"] Looks like everything's in balance. [to Sally] But you're still smoking way too many cigars. [to Conrad] And you...lay off the sauce! [puts away his phunometer]

Sally: Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.

Conrad: [embraces Sally] For everything.

Cat: [smiles] Conrad? Sally? Adieu. [after he bows with his hat, he starts to leave for the back door]

Sally: Cat!

Conrad: Cat!

Cat: Huh?

Sally: Wait, Cat!

Conrad: Don't go!

Cat: Aw, now what? [hears the front door] Oh!

---

[last lines]

Cat: [turns to viewers, revealing the narrator's voice to end the story] Oh! Hello! I was just...uh, I really should be going. [turns the microphone away] How'd they get so smart?

Deleted Scenes

[In the first deleted scene, after The Cat hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet.]

Cat: I do It for nothing! [laughs loudly] Hmmph! [Conrad and Sally both walk over to him] Now, let's have a look over you two. [A inspector circle thing comes out of his hat, takes out his finger.] Mm-hmmm, follow my finger, [lifts his finger up and down, and directed ways as Sally looks at it.] Up here, down here. Left, right-- [makes noises] C'mon soldier, this ain't your mama's house! [is done directing his finger] Okay. [takes a look at Sally's face] I see. You're too bossy. How many cigars you've been smoking today? No, I'm not saying stop. I'm just saying cut down. [Sally talks unintelligibly while moaning, then The Cat is done with Sally; to Conrad] Now, you.

---

[Second verse of "Fun, Fun, Fun"]

There was this high strung cat, who thought she knew it all, The way she scheduled out her day could drive you up the wall, She liked to be the teacher's pet, always the head of the class, It took a ton of TNT to kill the bug up her a-, Ah... ah... Ask me!

Was she fun, fun, fun? Not a chance; You can’t have fun, fun, fun, if you’re uptight, So loosen up and lose this list; life isn’t such a riddle, You can’t spell “fun” without “U” in the middle

---

[Fish is trying to talk to Joan on the phone]

Joan: Who is this?

Fish: It's me, I'm talking to you!

---

[A deleted scene shows Thing 1 drinking a bottle of water and throws it away, The camera zooms out and it is revealed that he is standing in a pile of empty bottles, Joan comes driving on screen]

Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.

Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!

Thing 1: Mekka-dekka earthquake!

[Howls and the Water comes onscreen, Joan sighs in embarrassment, Another deleted scene shows Thing 1 opening Instant Havoc Box showing, Blizzard, Fire, Explosive Diarrhea, Earthquake, Locusts, Tornado, Hurricane and Flood, he picks Flood and drops it in the jug of water]

Thing 1: Woohoo! Shake! Shake! Shake, Shake!

[Joan comes driving on screen]

Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.

Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!

Thing 1: Mekka-dekka, let her rip!

[opens the jug, which sprays water and the water comes onscreen, Joan sighs in embarrassment, Yet another deleted scene shows Joan comes driving on screen]

Joan: Flood? There's not a cloud in a sky.

Thing 2: Mekka-dekka, Let 'er rip!

Thing 1: Mekka-dekka, Let er Rip!

[turns on the TNT power, the waterfall explodes, Thing 1 gets scared and starts the boat and Sails away, Water comes onscreen and Joan sighs in embarrassment]

---

Larry: [angrily walks on to Nevins] Hold still while I kick the tar out of here. [Nevins starts growling, screams before Nevins bites his pants] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, NOOO, LET GO, LET GO, MY LEG!!!

[the pants get torn off of Larry's legs, he is no longer wearing pants cause Nevins tore them off, then Nevins angrily chases him as the Repomen tows Larry's car]

Denise: Thanks for the cupcakes, Sally.

Sally: I made it just for you, Guys.

Dumb Schweitzer: [touches the candle] Ow, hot.

Taglines

• The ultimate game of cat and house.
• Don't mess with the hat.
• The Cat is Back!
• Cats with hats only.

Cast

• Mike Myers — The Cat in the Hat, The Guy in the Sweater and Cheshire Cat
• Alec Baldwin — Larry
• Kelly Preston — Joan
• Dakota Fanning — Sally
• Spencer Breslin — Conrad
• Amy Hill — Mrs. Kwan
• Sean Hayes — Mr. Humberfloob, Voice of the Fish
• Danielle Chuchran
  Taylor Rice — Thing 1
• Brittany Oaks
  Talia-Lynn Prairie — Thing 2
• Dan Castellaneta — Voice of the Things
• Frank Welker — Nevins
• Narrated by Victor Brandt

See also

• The Cat in the Hat (TV special) (1971 animated TV special)
• Dr. Seuss

External links

Authority control: WorldCat search