The Catherine Tate Show

The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2006) was an award-winning television sketch comedy which airs on BBC Two. Comedienne Catherine Tate writes and appears in all of the show's sketches, which feature a wide range of characters.

Series 1

Lauren: Did you see Beyonce last night on the television? Beyonce is well bing bing. Am I bovvered? Am I bovvered though? I ain't even bovvered! Don't tell me what to do, are you telling me what to do? Are you disrespecting me? Are you stupid? Why don't you shut up though? Shut up, then. I don't care though, I ain't bovvered!

Estate Agent: Terry your husband? Ahh! Jesus Christ!!! What the hell have you done in here? You know what they say about a man who likes a bit of chrome in his kitchen, likes a bit of cock up his arse! Do you dream about it? No kids, drives a big black Cherokee Jeep, likes chrome, not to mention the cheap aftershave and cropped hair. YOU BIG OLE' BENDER!

Nan Taylor: What a load of ole' shit! Everything's a pound? That ain't bad is it, that's quite reasonable. I don't know where I'd put it all, but I'd take it all off your hands for a pound. Oh, fuckin' chill out!

The Backhander Woman: You know what you could do, you could just get out of your car and say No! No! NO!!! I SAID NO!!! and then get the pail of water and fling it over his greasy, flea ridden head and he'll be like "Ow, that's hot, Ow! Ow, that's hot!" and then just give him a backhander, One swift backhander right across his red, steaming face. Hitler worshipping pikey scum!

Woman In Office: Guess where my hairdresser comes from? Make time, it's fun! You Love It!!! Norfolk? They don't have hairdressers in Norfolk. Denmark? It's not a mullet! Cardiff! My hairdresser's from Cardiff! You need more than a haircut, you scab faced old trout!!!!!!!!!!

Aga Saga Woman: Darling, what are you doing? What did mummy tell you? Not with a wooden spoon, you'll bruise the dough. Thomas, Chloe, I've got some bad news, daddy hasn't been able to find any good brie on this trip.

Thomas: What about that Wensleydale left over from Ginnie's christening?

Aga Saga Woman: Don't be silly, it's a Parisian picnic, do you want the other children to laugh at you?

Series 2

Nan Taylor: There's nothing wrong with these people, look at that one in the running suit. Years ago, you had to be spewing up your guts to see a doctor. Yes, it is an emergency! Me head's hangin' off! What a fuckin' liberty! She's got 'eadache! They want shootin' they really do. Well, it's too late now, love! It's too fucking late.co.uk! Emergencies only? What a load of ole' shit!!!

Derek Faye: Mother and I had a little day out. Who, dear? Me, dear? Advice, dear? Yes, dear! I beg your pardon? How very dare you! Me and my mother have come in this shop for 25 years and I have never been so insulted! Just because a man wears a little foundation, takes time on his appearance, you automatically accuse him of hiding the sausage?! Well, I find you impertinent.

Janice: We were on our way to see our Valda, we have to keep stopping on the way because Ray forgot his driving glasses.

Ray: They're putting in a new ring road so...

Janice: So anyway, we stopped to ask for directions...

Ray: Listen to this

Janice: I thought we'd better have something to eat before we get there because Valda's one of these vegetarians.

Ray: They don't eat meat.

Janice: So anyways, we went to this pub, looked alright on the outside, didn't it?

Ray: Famous last words.

Janice: So we get in and there's a sign saying it was, what do they call it?

Ray: A gastropub, don't ask.

Janice: We read the menu and asked for mushroom soup, you'll never guess what were in it.

Ray: Dried shit-ache mushrooms.

Janice: You don't get that in soup, do ya?

Janice: This is in Beverley.

Ray: The dirty bastards!

Victoria Russell: Like most of us in this room, I've got a sneaky suspicion that John is gay. My father in law James, hello sir, who I know is very proud that his baby boy has married such a freeloading ginger gippo. My mother in law Janice "1, 2, 1, 2, my mother in law's so fat" By contrast, my sister in law Susan who's a very thin woman, she's so thin I weren't actually sure she was in today. I know she's out there because I can smell the sick. Don't talk about the bulimics, it's a disease!

Series 3

Geordie Georgie: Mornin' Martin, how was your weekend, pet?!

Martin: Lovely, thank you, we took Michaela and her friends out for a picnic

Geordie Georgie: Did her eczema put everyone off their sausage rolls?

Martin: No, that's all cleared up.

Geordie Georgie: Good, because watching someone scratch until they bleed is not everyone's idea of a good day out! Can I borrow your nice four colour biro?

Martin: Yeah sure.

Geordie Georgie: I'll tell you what it is. Me and some of the girls are doing a little fundraiser next Saturday - a round-the-clock pancake flip for all the little victims of sexual harassment in the workplace.

Martin: That's a really worthy cause.

Geordie Georgie: Aye it is. Did you know that every thirty-eight minutes - some unsuspecting little temp in a short skirt bends over to file something in the bottom drawer and gets shagged up the arse?

Martin: Every 38 minutes??

Geordie Georgie: If you don't believe me, log on to the website ;www.bummedbytheboss.co.uk. How much shall I put you down for?

Martin: How about 15p an hour?

Geordie Georgie: £3.40? for all those poor little secretaries in their vest tops - who every time they open their mouth's to yawn, someone shoves a cock in it!

Martin: Put me down for £4

Geordie Georgie: Four pounds... For all those half dressed little dolly birds whose only thanks for franking the mail of a Friday afternoon is a face full of jizz.

Martin: I just can't splash it about.

Geordie Georgie: Aye, that's it, laugh it up.

Paul: Want a cup of tea, babe?

Sam: That'll be lovely.

(Ceiling falls down)

Sam: Paul.

Paul: Yes, babe

Sam: You won't believe what's just happened.

Paul: What happened?

Sam: I found that earring I was looking for.

Paul: Where was it?

Sam: I dunno!!!

Comic Relief Special

Nan Taylor: My grandson Jamie goes to university.

Noel Edmunds: What one?

Nan Taylor: I don't know what one, I don't really take much notice.

Nan Taylor: I'm gonna go with fat Stella.

Nan Taylor: You know we live together, don't we?

Noel Edmunds: What, in a hotel?

Nan Taylor: I wouldn't wanna go down after her for breakfast, there would be nothing left.

Nan Taylor: It's alright darlin', don't worry about it, she probably fuckin' ate the £250

(phone rings)

Nan Taylor: Darling, there's £50 in there, I know cos I had a look earlier. Thank you very much. Deal, deal, deal.

Noel Edmunds: We have to play on.

Nan Taylor: Oh no, love, I ain't got time to play a game for money I won't win. I'm going, darling. £199, thank you very much. Deal or No Deal? What a load of ole' shit!!!

---

Mr Logan: Morning.

Class: A'riight?

---

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: Yeah?

Lauren: Are you English, Sir?

Mr Logan: No, I'm Scottish.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then?

Mr Logan: No, I'm British.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then?

Mr Logan: No, I'm not, but as you can see, I do speak English.

Lauren: But I can't understand what you're sayin', Sir.

Mr Logan: Well, clearly you can.

Lauren: Sorry, are you talkin' Scottish now?

Mr Logan: [agitated] No, I'm talking English.

Lauren: Right. Don't sound like it.

Mr Logan: Okay, whatever you want. Now! Let's get on with Shakespeare.

Lauren: I don't think you're qualified to teach us English.

Mr Logan: I am perfectly qualified to teach English.

Lauren: I don't think you are, though.

Mr Logan: You don't have to be English to teach it.

Lauren: Right, have we got double English or double Scottish?

Mr Logan: [Beat] Is your name Lauren Cooper, by any chance?

Lauren: Yeah... why?

Mr Logan: Your reputation precedes you.

Lauren: [Proudly] Innit, though?

---

Mr Logan: A Sonnet-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: a sonnet is a poem-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: written in 14 lines-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: the last two of which-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: must form a rhyming couplet-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: [very agitated] Yes, Lauren?

Lauren: Can I aks you a question?

Mr Logan: Not just now.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question, though?

Mr Logan: Just wait.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question? I only wanna aks you a question. Why can't I aks you a question? I'm only aksing a question. Can I just aks you question?

Mr Logan: What is it?

Lauren: Are you the Doctor?

[Long beat.]

Mr Logan: Doctor Who?

Lauren: Innit, though!!! [clicks fingers.]

Mr Logan: I don't know what you're talking about.

Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though!

Mr Logan: I'm not Doctor Who, I'm your English teacher.

Lauren: I don't think you are though...

Mr Logan: Lauren -

Lauren: I think you're a 945-year-old Time Lord.

Mr Logan: Listen -

Lauren: Did ya' just pitch up from Mars?

Mr. Logan: Don't be ridiculous!

---

Lauren: You know your house right?

Mr Logan: What?

Lauren: You know your house?

Mr Logan: Yeah?

Lauren: Is it bigger on the inside?

Mr Logan: Be quiet.

Lauren: Did you park the TARDIS on a meter?

Mr Logan: Can we please get back to Shakespeare? [He looks pointedly at Lauren, who is silent, and pauses for a moment] Thank you. So-

Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?

Mr Logan: [angrily] Right! [slams book] You are the most insolent child I have ever had the misfortune to teach!

Lauren: Thank you.

Mr Logan: You are pointless, repetitious and extremely dull.

Lauren: Bit like Shakespeare.

Mr Logan: [furiously] You are not even worthy to mention his name. William Shakes- WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WAS A GENIUS! YOU, LITTLE MADAM, ARE DEFINITELY NOT! NOW, JUST SIT THERE; KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OR I WILL FAIL YOU IN THIS WHOLE MODULE RIGHT NOW!

Lauren: [breathes in through teeth, leans forward.] Amest I bovveréd?

Mr Logan: [confused.] What?

Lauren: Amest I bovveréd, forsooth?

Mr Logan: Lauren-

Lauren: Looketh at my face. Looketh at my face. Ist this a bovveréd face thou seest before thee?

Mr Logan: Right, I'm calling your parents.

Lauren: Are you disrespecting the house of Cooper?! Art thou calling my mother a pox-ridden wench?! Art thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple?!

Mr Logan: [Exasperated.] Lauren-

Lauren: But he ain't even a goodly rotten apple. But he ain't a goodly rotten apple, though. I ain't even bovveréd, though! Face? Bovveréd? Face? Bovveréd? My Liege, I be not bovveréd, forsooth. You take the high road and I'll take the low road. Bovveréd? Face? I ain't even bovveréd. Shakespeare? Sonnets? I ain't even bovveréd.

Mr Logan: Look stop right there-

Lauren:

"My Mistress's eyes are nothing like the sun,

Coral is far more red than her lips red,

If Snow be white, why then her breasts are dun,

If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head,

I have seen roses damask'd red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks,

And in some perfume is there more delight,

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks,

I love to hear her speak, Yet well I know

That music has a far more pleasing sound,

I grant I never saw a goddess go,

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground,

And yet by heaven I think my love as rare,

As any she belied with false compare." [slaps table.] BITE ME, ALIEN BOY!

[Unable to put up with Lauren's belligerence any longer, Mr Logan whips out the Sonic Screwdriver, changing Lauren into a 5 inch Rose Tyler figure.]

The Doctor: That's better. [grins.] "A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Lauren: [squeaking.] I still ain't bovvered!