The Cleveland Show/Season 1
The following is a list of quotes from the first season of The Cleveland Show.
- [Peter has a firework-type rocket strapped to his back]
- Peter: Light it, Brian.
- Brian: Peter, I don't wanna do this.
- Peter: Do it, Brian. It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird.
- Roadrunner [offscreen]: Meep-meep!
- Peter: Here he comes. Light it.
- [After the Roadrunner zips by, Brian lights the rocket, sending Peter soaring through Cleveland's house, destroying it and revealing Cleveland in his second-floor bath tub]
- Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, noooo! [His tub crashes with him in it] Doggone it! That's it! No more! I'm tired of being kicked around by this world!
- Brian [offscreen]: I'm sorry, Cleveland.
- Cleveland: It's all right.
- Brian: I tried to stop him...
- Cleveland: I don't blame you, Brian! You a dog! A DOG!!
- [Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
- Stewie: What the hell? He's getting his show?
- Rallo: Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?
- Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
- [everyone laughs]
- Cleveland Jr.: Not yet!
- Cleveland: Ahhhh a Bear!
- Tim: Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?
- Rallo: Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.
- [Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse commercial]
- Cleveland: I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it.
- Cleveland: Hasta la possum, baby!
- Cleveland Jr.: [as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry] That's cruel without even knowing the reference.
- [Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.]
- Cleveland Jr.: I may be a virgin, [angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace] but I'll kick your ass if you do that again!
- Priest: All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.
- Cleveland: Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.
- Donna: Shut the hell up!
- Cleveland: [grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it] BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD!
- Cleveland: Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows his teeth, which are covered with green leafs]
- Donna: They're all over! What were you eating?!
- Cleveland: Chives.
- Auntie Momma: And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin.
- Roberta: I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
- Raymond: Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
- Roberta: Okay, yeah, but besides that.
- Raymond: Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
- Roberta: Besides that.
- Raymond: Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
- Roberta: I know, I know.
- Raymond: And didn't Eliot Spitzer--
- Roberta: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
- Oliver: Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
- Federline: Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace.
- Kendra: "You freak it you buy it." [pointing to the Christmas tree]
- Donna: It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."
- Cleveland: What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?
- Cleveland: "Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!"
- Rallo: Dear Santa: [clears throat] Fuck you and fuck Christmas.
- Arianna the Bear (to Tim): This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant.
(after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks)
- Reporter: Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports.
- Dirk: Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball.
- Cleveland: Hey Junior, watch are you watching? The Cleveland Show?
- Cleveland: What are you doing up there?
- Cleveland Jr.: Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.
- Cleveland: Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.
- Cleveland Jr.: Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.
- Cleveland: I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.
- The Fluffers (to the tune of We Built This City by Jefferson Starship): We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash!
- Principal Wally (after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends): Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below.
- Cleveland Jr.: I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal?
- Tyra: No!
- Cleveland Jr.: Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.
- Ms. Eck: You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
- Roberta: So what happened?
- Ms. Eck: I turned 30.
- Lester: I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs.
- Rallo: You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy!
- Cleveland: What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway?
- Nerd: This is still pretty cool!
- Nerd: Who are you?
- Tyra: I'm Fat Girl.
- Federline: Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo?
- [Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin]
- Chris: Hi, Cleveland!
- Cleveland: Go back to Quahog!
- Chris: Okay.
- Cleveland: Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides!
- Cleveland: [about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
- Donna: She... beat up all of you?
- Cleveland: Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
- Donna: Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!
- [she punches Jane]
- Donna: Nobody hurts my man!
- Tim: Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
- Cleveland: Does it look like it, Boo-Boo?
- Cleveland: I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!
- Tim: The Black guys love Scarface. They cannot stop talking about it.
- Cleveland Jr.: I'm going to get even with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch.
- Cleveland Jr.: MOO.
- Cleveland: Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....NOW.
- [Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride]
- Rallo: Aw, shit!
- Dan Rather: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now.
- Cleveland Jr.: Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.
- Cleveland: Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!
- Donna: Junior, can you give us some alone time?
- Cleveland Jr.: Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.
- Cleveland: Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
- Rallo: You got that covered.
- Cleveland: No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortage, now pass those eggs.
- Donna: Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
- Cleveland: Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.
- Donna: This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
- Cleveland: More twigs?
- Donna: Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
- Cleveland: Aah! I got a splinter!
- Roberta: 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
- Cleveland: Huh? Oh.
- [both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]
- Rallo: Heat rises, I smell nothing!
- [Cleveland Jr. lifts him up]
- Rallo: AH! AAHHHHH!
- Cleveland: You were the best bitch I ever had.
- Terry: And you were one cold pimp.
- Cleveland: Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.
- Donna: Where did you get that huge wad of cash?
- Cleveland: What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!
- Cleveland Jr.: [to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night.
- Rallo: Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot?
- Donna: Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.
- [Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh]
- Rallo: [to Cleveland Jr.] You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt!
- Donna: What did you call me?
- Rallo: No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh!
- Chanel: [sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
- Cleveland, Jr.: Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]
- Roberta: Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
- Federline: I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]
- Cleveland: [bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!
- [Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]
- Contractor: Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
- Cleveland: When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
- [they both laugh]
- Rallo: I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?
- Mrs. Lowenstein: Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.
- Rallo: What? Washington wasn't black?
- Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
- Rallo: Jefferson?
- Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
- Rallo: If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!
- Rallo: [to Cleveland] You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine.
- [cut to the Island of Sodor]
- Thomas: I'd reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir.
- Sir Topham Hatt: Thank you, Uncle Thomas. You're a clean, articulate train.
- Thomas: Just get yo' white ass on board.
- Sir Topham Hatt: What's that, Thomas?
- Thomas: [stammers] Uh... Choo-choo!
- Cleveland: I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)!
- Holt: I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes.
- [Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding]
- Quagmire: Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
- Peter: Quagmire, you're a rapist.
- [Quagmire mutters]
External links
[edit]
- The Cleveland Show quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- TheClevelandShow.com
- Episode transcripts at TVTDB.com