The Cleveland Show/Season 2

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The Cleveland Show was an American animated sitcom created by Seth MacFarlane, Richard Appel, and Mike Henry for the Fox Broadcasting Company as a spin-off of Family Guy. The series centers on the Browns and Tubbs, two dysfunctional families consisting of parents Cleveland Brown and Donna Tubbs and their children Cleveland Brown, Jr., Roberta Tubbs, and Rallo Tubbs. Similar to Family Guy, it exhibits much of its humor in the form of cutaway gags that often lampoon American culture.

Harder, Better, Faster, Browner

Holt: Kenny West. Caught ya at the county fair. Yeah, I listen to rap. Gotta De La Soul CD in my car. Do a little beatboxing. You probably don't wanna hear it. Unless you do. You probably do. [starts beatboxing terribly] Boop-boop-boopa-doo-boop! Boop! Boop-bitty-boopydoop-boop!

Kenny: I'm really not glad I heard that.

[Kenny and Cleveland laugh and give each other five]

Cleveland: Oh, Kenny. You're TRBL!

Kenny: No, you're TRBL!

Cleveland: No, you're TRBL!

Kenny: We're both TRBL!

[they laugh]

Kenny: I still can't believe Beyoncé didn't win.

Cleveland Live!

Cleveland: Donna's gonna be so surprised When she walks in to the-

Man in audience: You're fat!

Cleveland: You know what else is fat? Rudeness!

Cleveland Jr.: To Infinity and Beyond!

Lester: Wow, Cleveland, you've skipped "fun drunk" and "sad drunk" and went straight to "angry drunk".

Cleveland: Okay, now where's the guy who said I was fat.

Man in audience : Right here. [Cleveland fires a gun at him]

How Cleveland Got His Groove Back

Lester: You know, Cleveland. I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than another one of your baseball stories.

Narrator: There is no joy in Stoolbend, mighty Cleveland has struck out.

It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown

[Cleveland, Jr, wearing a black spandex suit, puts on black boots and white gloves and finally, a pancake costume. He looks at himself in the mirror and dances to "This Is How We Do It."]

Junior: Aw, yeah! I'd eat me! This is my best Halloween costume since that time I went as Greg Page back in Australia.

[Cutaway to him, dressed as Greg Page, at Michael, Ryan Malle's house]

Junior: Trick or Treat! [Takes a piece of candy from Herbert's plastic pumpkin bucket]

Michel Ryan Malle: Take two. [Junior does so] Take three. [Junior takes more candy] Take four. [Junior takes even more candy] That's enough! Happy Halloween! [Skips backwards into his house, shuts the door, and giggles from inside]

[Cleveland is holding a flashlight close to his face, telling Rallo a ghost story

Cleveland: And then the ghost looked into the child's eyes. [Rallo whimpers] And he said, BOO!!! [Rallo screams and kicks Cleveland in the balls]

Cleveland: Ow! Bitch!

[Junior turns the living room light on]

Junior: Breakfast, anyone?

[Rallo laughs, but Cleveland growls in frustration]

Rallo: What restaurant is that from? IHOP because diabetes took one of my legs?

Junior: Ain't nothing but something to wear.

Cleveland: Why the hell are you dressed like a damn buttery flapjack?

Junior: This is my Halloween costume. It's what I'm gonna wear trick-or-treating.

Cleveland: Trick-or-treating? You're fourteen! You're too old to be trick-or-treating! You go out looking like that, the other kids will eat you for breakfast!

Junior [Saying the same thing as him, but as a question] Breakfast? [They both laugh, but Cleveland is serious]

Cleveland: But this is no laughing matter! Grow up and get out of that costume!

[Cleveland, Jr. gets into the fridge to get a can of pop. he opens the can]

Cleveland, Jr.: [drops the can] What the Halloween?

[Rallo, Cleveland and Donna are in costumes]

Cleveland: Check it out, Junior. I'm the late baseball hall-of-famer Willie Stargell. And Donna's Michelle Obama with Oprah's arms.

Donna: Hey!

[Donna's arms wiggle, but she stops them]

Cleveland, Jr.: But Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.

Cleveland: You are. And you're too young.

Cleveland, Jr.: WHAT?!

Cleveland: See, you're at that awkward age where dressing up is lame.

Little Man on Campus

Ernie: So Junior, how's your woodshop project going?

[Cleveland, Jr. is making a snow angel in the sawdust]

Cleveland, Jr.: Whhheeee! I'm making sawdust angels.

Ernie: That's your project?

Cleveland, Jr.: Who cares? It's shop. It's not like a real class.

Mr. Tanner: Not a real class?

[Cleveland, Jr. turns to see Mr. Tanner]

Cleveland, Jr.: I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Mr. Thumbs.

[everyone gasps and Mr. Tanner gets mad]

Ernie: That's what we call him behind his back.

Mr. Tanner: You think these are funny?

[he shows his hands with no fingers]

Mr. Tanner: I can't walk them damn street without people pulling over and asking to buy me a ride.

Cleveland, Jr.: [laughs] They think you're hitchhikers.

Mr. Tanner: You better get serious, young fella. This project is worth 75% of your grade.

Cleveland, Jr.: We get a grade in this class? Well if I failed sharp, I'll disappoint my father. And I've never disappointed my father!

Mr. Tanner: Get your act together, Brown. If your final project doesn't blow me away, I will not hesitate to give you an F.

Cleveland, Jr.: You would F me? Well how do you even write down grades?

Mr. Tanner: I report them orally. That's right, I will F you orally.

Chet Butler: Just taking my state championship ring out for a little walk.

[his ring shines]

Cleveland: Hmm.

Chet Butler: Of course you'll never know what that feels like, loser.

Cleveland: Yeah? Well you'll never know what loser feels like, winner.

[everyone cheers]

Chet Butler: You've won this round, Cleveland. So I guess I do know what loser feels like.

[everyone gasps]

Tim: I'm, uh, gonna go get a beer.

[everyone cheers again]

Fat and Wet

[Stoolbend Channel 6 starts]

Cleveland, Jr.: Shh, shh. It's coming. It's results time.

Kendra: I wish I could cross my fingers.

Sylverster Stalone Voise: Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan.

Dwayne Meighan: Good evening. I'm Dwayne Meighan. Today was the day when they had had an election. Everybody went and said what they had about a mission called the Brown-Krinklesac for the fat people or the fat individual. They had people that you assign your name on a sheet and then you could say yes or no and that... was for you but everybody got to say yes or no. At this juncture, several people are on a voluntary basis had encountered what they had called a ballot. There was what they had said yes or no. They had made one pile for yes and another pile for those who said no. Both pile were then counted, double-checked as the result for which was made official were had been a mission had actually been defeated.

[a DEFEATED sign lands on the Brown-Krinklesac screen]

Cleveland, Jr: Aww.

[Kendra sighs]

Donna: I'm sorry, Junior.

Dwayne Meighan: They had had a camera out at what they had at a part on polling place earlier with my friend Larvell. Larvel.

Another Bad Thanksgiving

Donna: [on the phone with Cleveland] No sign of Janet or Holt. How about you?

Cleveland: [on the phone with Donna] Nothing. And I've looked everywhere too. [takes a drink of his cocktail] Even as we speak, I'm sitting here with the Las Vegas Police Department searching through the reckus of all incoming citizens. Sipping coffee out of a little styrofoam cup in a windowless room. [Donna comes up as his voice is in both cell phones] Staring at a flickering computer screen...

[Donna gets mad]

Cleveland: [cries] Oh, hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh. Oh, Donna. I'm in a pool. I'm sorry. I'll look, I'll find them. This pool don't mean nothing to me! As opposed I wanted to get caught. I'm sick! [finishes his cocktail and cries, still finishes drink his cocktail and continues crying, finishes the last of his cocktail and takes his straw and umbrella out, eats his lemon and tries to get the last drop of his cocktail]

Donna: Give me a break.

Murray Christmas

Murray: Are you an idiot?! I want you to open the front door! It's heavy!

Charles: Hey, Murray! UP...YOURS!!!

Beer Walk!

[Peter, Quagmire and Joe are with Cleveland at the Beer Walk]

Cleveland: Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys.

Peter: Uh, whatever Fox is paying us. [looks around] Wow, Cleveland. I figured it was gonna be all black guys, but this is great.

Cleveland: Missed ya.

Quagmire: I came as soon as I heard. Then I drove straight down. Giggety-giggety.

Cleveland: Comedy-comedy. [to Joe] But seriously, Joe. [slowly] Thank you for coming here to help with our charity function for the "disabled".

Joe: You do know I hear perfectly well. Don't ya, Cleveland?

Cleveland: I know you're trying. [turns Joe's wheelchair around] Brave, brave Joe. [pushes him as he screams]

Tim: What do you think of Cleveland's old friends?

Holt: Gay.

Lester: Damn right gay.

Tim: Yeah, you guys are so gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay! So gay! [they laugh]

Peter: Really uh, progressive-thinking friends you got there, Cleveland.

Quagmire: Yeah, I guess they like to throw around negatively inflective labels.

[Joe comes back]

Joe: You guys are the gays!

Peter: No, Joe.

Quagmire: Joe.

[Last lines of the episode. Donna is washing the dishes]

Donna: I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my own house. [realizes] Wait... what the fuck am I doin'?

Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'

[Cleveland and Cleveland, Jr. are out for a drive with Cleveland, Jr. driving]

Cleveland: Good. All right now accelerate just a little bit.

Cleveland, Jr.: How am I doing, Daddy?

Cleveland: Fine. Just put your pinkies down.

[Cleveland, Jr. puts his pinkies down. suddenly, they run over a pedestrian on a bike]

Cleveland: [looks back] Oh my god! You hit a cyclist!

Cleveland, Jr.: What should I do, Daddy?

Cleveland: Drive, drive, drive!

[Cleveland, Jr. slams on the drive pedal and has his pinkies up. a police siren wails]

Cleveland: Pinkies!

Cleveland, Jr.: 5-0, 5-0.

Cleveland: Faster, Junior!

[police siren continues wailing as Cleveland, Jr. turns left, then right]

Cleveland, Jr.: I can't shake them!

[helicopters come by and a pilot shoots at the sides of the car and another shoots at Cleveland]

Cleveland, Jr.: You're hit.

Cleveland: No, HE'S hit! [shoots at the helicopter and it lands in explosion]

[Cleveland, Jr. steers out of control and they head for a tree]

Cleveland: Look out for that tree! [they bump into it and the airbag activates]

[the buzzer on the set is heard as the FAIL screen blinks. the set closes]

Cleveland: So this is what your dad does every day.

Cleveland, Jr.: Wow, being a cable installer is stressful. No wonder you're always drunk.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?

[Arianna leaves as the audience gives an applause]

Wally Farquhare: There, more like a cooler. Ooh. Am I right, fellas?

Audience member: No.

Wally Farquhare: All right. Now it's time to play "Who can sit on a block of ice the longest?"

[the stage curtain opens to reveal Holt, Mr. Armstrong, Cleveland, Tim, Gordy and Angus]

Wally Farquhare: Gentlemen, I wanna see a clean sit. No hop outs, sparts, or clenches. [points his gun in the air] Go. [shoots it]

[everybody pull down their pants as they sit on a block of ice]

Cleveland: Uhh... Ohh, ohh.

Cleveland: Roberta, go to your room.

Roberta: Fuck you.

[she walks away, while Cleveland is left sobbing]

(during the drag race, a car crashes into Raymond, Tim and Arianna the Bear's stoner son. Raymond is in no pain, but the car is smashed up as if it hit a wall)

Raymond: I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. (passes out on the hood)

Like a Boss

Cleveland: This retreat is a waste of diesel fuel.

Cleveland: I gotta be ruthless, like Bob the Builder before his morning coffee.

[We see Bob the Builder trying to give a building instructor money. He shakes his head and the two men fight. Bob then walks up to him and bludgeons him to death with a hammer. Bob then has his vehicle friends build a house on top of the instructor's body.]

A Short Story and a Tall Tale

Dwight Howard: Hey, Mom. Why is Stanley from The Office yelling at you?

Cleveland: I am not Stanley from The Office.

Terry Unmarried

Rallo: So what do say during naptime I crawl on your mat when Mrs. Lowenstein didn't look, we could kiss each other on the....

[he picks his nose, rolls the booger, flicks it in his mouth and eats it]

Rallo:Mmm..Lips.

Little Black Girl: Eww!

[runs away]

Rallo: What the... What'd I say? Bernard, Theodore. Y'all see that? She crazy!

Bernard: What you expect? You just ate a booger in front of her. That ain't cool.

Rallo: Why not? Boogers are fun, free and delicious. Besides, that guy's doing it and he looks pretty cool.

[an Asian guy on the sidewalk picks his nose and eat it]

Asian Guy: Ahh, it's all fun.

Theodore: Yeah. Well, girls don't think it's cool. They think it's gross. And if you don't quit eating them boogers, you ain't gonna sco no mo.

Rallo: Ain't gonna sco no mo?! That was a booger. I swallowed it.

The Blue, the Gray and the Brown

B. Emerson Plunkett V: And now, let us sing the town song.

[they start singing]

All: Oh, Stoolbend, lies Stoolbend. Whiter than whipped cream.

Cleveland: What are them, what now?

All: We proudly vow to never have a good basketball team.

Cleveland: Those are the words?!

All: Your white line shines brightly, all brightness it shooes.

Cleveland: Oh my god.

All: And don't even get us started on taco munchers and Jews.

Cleveland: Woah!

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Cleveland: You're living in a storage unit?!

[Evelyn and LeVar look at each other]

LeVar: Yeah, thankful close owners. So we moved in here.

Cleveland: What happened to your savings?

LeVar: They're gone. Okay? I got scammed.

[leaves]

Cleveland: Scammed? What was it? A flim-flam, ponzi scheme, pyramid, straw men, three car monte, bayton switch, smash n' grab, ticklin' tate, jerk and jet, blow and go?

LeVar: Nah, nothing like that. It was a telemarketing scam.

Cleveland: A ring-ring sting? That's the oldest one? Oh my, you become a dumb old man. Ah, hoh-hoh! This is delicious! Ha-hoh! This makes me happier than a butterfly when he runs into his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.

[Rick gets a cup of coffee]

Rick: Karen?

Karen: Oh. Hey, Rick. What have you been up to?

Rick: What have I been up to? I'm flyin', I'm freakin' flyin'. Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch!

[He flies away, then cries]''

Cleveland: Oh, Mom. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. You shouldn't be forced to live like this because you married a fool.

[LeVar get saddened]

Cleveland: The two of you shall move into Wilbermoore. My house, that's what I named it.

To Live and Die in VA

[Donna measures Cleveland, Jr.]

Cleveland, Jr.: Hee-hee, hah-hah!

[leaves]

Donna: Come on, Rallo. You're up. [Rallo's hair is big] Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half. Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.

Rallo: No offense, Mama. But I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who qualified to cut hair.

Donna: Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing.

Rallo: Yeah, suddenly.

[Donna cuts a piece of Rallo's hair]

Donna: Well, I guess I can't help you with that. Little smart ass.

The Essence of Cleveland

[the police are chasing the bad guys]

[one of them gunshoots, then the police shoots. the shooting continues as they bump into a red car, then the police car bumps into it and they tumble over]

[Cleveland is at a hat sale]

Cleveland: Trying on a hat, yes I'm trying on a...

[sees the van screeching out of control]

Cleveland: Aaah!

[the van bumps into Cleveland and the bowler hat went flying in the air and lands on the ground]

Ship'rect

[Roberta slams the door on Cleveland]

Donna: Roberta, what's wrong?

Roberta: What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!

Rallo: [on the intercom] First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.

Cleveland: What the hell was that?

Donna: It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.

Rallo: [on the intercom] So how much we gettin' for the girl?

Roberta: Shut up, Rallo. [turns off the intercom]

Rallo: Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!

Donna: Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.

Cleveland: Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.

Donna: You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.

[chong]

Man: This is a dream come true.

Woman: I'm so excited to pick up Maline.

Chinese Guy: Well, here she is.

[Maline cries as the Chinese guy puts her in a Chinese box, puts in a bag and staples the top]

Chinese Guy: [shows them the bag] No MSG!

Back to Cool

Tim: Ow! My eye!

[episode starts, Cleveland sits in couch, reading newspaper]

Cleveland: Ese no bueno.

[Rallo jumps on the couch and takes the newspaper from Cleveland and throws it at Roberta]

Roberta: [screams] A homeless blanket touched me!

[Rallo grabs remote from Roberta]

Rallo: Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras. Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.

Roberta: Hey! I was watching whatever that was.

[both Roberta and Rallo fight their way into upstairs]

[doorbell rings]

Cleveland: [annoyed] I hope that's a child murderer.

[Cleveland opens up door, finds to be Robert]

Cleveland: Close enough.

[Roberta, Robert, Jr. and Rallo walk into the skate park, goes into park, dogs bark]

Robert: Now, all the dogs are blindfolded, so it's a fair fight. But if they start wilding out, we're going to have to scram right quick.

[Robert looks towards Junior]

Robert: Junior, they'll come after you first, 'cause of they'll smell your salty meat sweat. But you big, you can handle them.

[Robert, Jr. steps back]

Cleveland, Jr.: That genie was right, salty meat sweat was a bad wish.

Your Show of Shows

Cleveland: And what's with this G-Mail? I just got used to E-Mail, will someone please tell me why we skipped F-Mail?

Mrs. Lowenstein: It's time to sign up for the school's annual participation show, because certain parents felt that the word "talent" set up unreasonable expectations.