The Larry Sanders Show
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The Larry Sanders Show (1992–1998) is a satirical television sitcom, aired on the HBO cable television network in the United States, about a vain, neurotic talk show host, the running of his TV show, and the many people behind the scenes.
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- [opening lines]
- Hank: You folks see that flashing sign up there? Now, that sign says: "Applesauce." No, no, I'm kidding. It says "applause." Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once? [crowd applauds] All right. Now remember. You're all a big part of the show, so the better you are, the better Larry is. You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign and it says, "We're on in ten seconds." So get ready to have a good time. All right, here we go. This is exciting, isn't it?
The Garden Weasel (a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?) [1.01]
- Hank: That one Green Giant spot has been a real monkey on my back. I'll tell you one thing: If they ever ask you to put on a pair of green tights, no matter how much they offer you, you just walk away. Walk away.
- Larry: I'll remember that.
- Artie: Fine, you just go home. I'll come over there later; stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even.
- Larry: Okay. You have my address, right?
- Artie: And your poker size.
- Larry: The only reason I'm not running for president this year, I swear to God, is I am afraid no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me.
- Larry: Sonny Bono did not get elected to a Senate seat here in California. That's when you know you live in California, when you look on the ballot and Sonny Bono is running for a senate seat. I was really towards running for the Captain of Captain & Tennille, because evidently, he at least has some military experience.
- Larry: So how many of you saw Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall when he played the sax? Well, good to know you're watching my competition.
The Promise [1.02]
- Larry: I sound like an asshole, don't I?
- Jeannie: No, honey you don't sound like an asshole. Your feelings are hurt.
- Larry: My feelings are hurt, honey... and by a man.
The Spider Episode [1.03]
- Jeannie: [after Larry considers going through with the spider stunt on his show] Let me get this straight. You're willing to confront your fears if it's in front of 20 million people and for a laugh? So, can we start a family if I have a baby at The Greek Theater?
Guest Host [1.04]
- Larry: Do we know if he's taking this CBS offer?
- Arthur: I've made some calls, done some legwork, developed some leads - nothing yet.
- Larry: Oh thanks, Mannix.
- Arthur: Mike Connors is a good friend of mine. He'll be on next week.
- Arthur: I saw it coming.
- Larry: I hate this business.
- Arthur: I'm telling you I saw it coming.
- Larry: And I'm telling you I hate this fucking business!
The New Producer [1.05]
- Larry: Alright, I see what's going on. I'll turn around and somebody put the memo in front of me.
- [the whole staff throws copies of the memo on the desk]
- Larry: Very funny, very fucking funny.
- Phil: [reading the new producer's memo] "Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back." Oh, right. You know Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.
- Jerry: [smirking, without Phil noticing] Yeah, the memo is way off.
- Phil: Social maladjustment... what the hell does that mean? You know, now I'm sorry for making copies of this for everybody.
- Larry: We're discussing the memo, Hank.
- Hank: What memo?
- Larry: Don't act out.
- Hank: That's an... that's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.
- Larry: Alright, I'm sorry.
- Hank: I don't know about it.
- Larry: They'll tell you about it. [to his staff] Tell him about the memo.
- Hank: [after Larry left the room, Hank takes the memo from his pocket] Do you believe this shit?
The Flirt Episode [1.06]
Hank's Contract [1.07]
- Larry: Listen, you're not gonna do Arsenio or Leno, are you?
- Robin Williams: I got to.
- Larry: Fucker...
- Robin Williams: Hey, it's business. Get used to it. Blow me.
Out of the Loop [1.08]
- Hank: Jesus. I think that's Jerry and Sally fucking in the parking lot. Wow! I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position!
- Darlene: [she stops writing Hank's ideas for the show] I think I have enough, Hank.
- Hank: Yeah, hurry up, put it into the computer and get it out to the fans.
- Darlene: I might just do a little editing.
- Hank: No, no, we never edit Hank's thoughts.
- Hank: [watching the head writer and the new girl have sex outside the office] Wow, and I thought I had a hairy ass!
Talk Show [1.09]
- Arthur: The show is going great!
- Larry: Oh, it's going great, my life is falling apart and I'm glad there's TV cameras here to cover it. This is like the Hindenburg. How much long before you start shouting "Oh, the humanity"?
- Paula: Listen, being married to a celebrity is very difficult, okay. I got a friend who is married to Jerry Van Dyke and all he cares about is winning awards. One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her Emmy.
- Jerry: [on Larry hosting the show with his jokes] He fucked it up! The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words 'adjustable beds'.
- Phil: His timing really sucks tonight.
- Jerry: He's off.
- [Jeannie and Arthur enter the room]
- Jerry: And running in what looks like a wonderful show.
- Phil: Hi, Mrs. Sanders.
- Jeannie: Hi.
- Phil: Hi, very funny monologue tonight.
- Jerry: He's on. This is as on as I've seen him in a long time. [muttering] Very strong stuff.
- Hank: [Hank tells about the origins of his catchphrase] No, no, you see when I was a kid, I used to say "Hey". And then later, I said "Now". But I never put it together until much later...
- Jeannie: Are you taking about "Hey now"?
- Hank: Yes.
- Jeannie: Because I have always wondered about that. Which writer came up with "Hey now"?
- Phil, Jerry: Hank did.
- Jeannie: It's brilliant. Really. Have you ever thought about changing it?
- Hank: No.
- Jeannie: Just listen to this. Okay? Instead of saying "Hey now!", you would say "Come here!"
- [awkward silence from the group]
- Jeannie: Try, just give it a try.
- Hank: "Come here!"
- Jeannie: It's wonderful, it's wonderful!
- Jerry: It's good, I like it.
- Jeannie: That's what you can use when the show goes off the air.
- Jerry: What do you... what show... what show goes off the air?
- Jeannie: Larry is always talking about moving to Montana, leaving the business...
- Jerry: [to Larry who just stopped by] The show's going off the air?
- Jeannie: ...building or something up there.
- Larry: She's kiddin'. She's kiddin'.
- Jeannie: No.
- Jeannie: Is something wrong?
- Larry: Yes. You're telling people all about our lives.
- Jeannie: What are you talking about?
- Larry: About dry-humping, about Aspen, about moving to Montana.
- Jeannie: You're spying on me?
- Larry: I was standing near by.
The Warmth Episode [1.11]
- Larry: I'm telling you, I have a real problem. Twenty people could say they liked me, Artie, and I am telling you I'd still be thinking: seventeen of them are lying, two of them probably have severe emotional problems and one of them is probably confusing me with Larry King.
- Arthur: I've gotta say something that's gonna sound trite but it's also truth. As soon as you start liking yourself, you won't care what other people think.
- Larry: [laughing] Hey, then I'm totally fucked.
A Brush with the Elbow of Greatness [1.12]
- Arthur: What's the word from the network, Norm?
- Norman Litkey: They were fine until they saw the tape then they started coughing up blood. I mean, half of the civilized world just gonna watch Entertainment Tonight in a few hours and they're gonna see Larry Sanders body-slamming a woman half his size into a metal wreck.
- Arthur: No...
- Norman Litkey: What?
- Arthur: Terrible.
- Norman Litkey: No! No, this is a publicity Bonanza. Gentlemen, I'm wetting myself.
- Larry: [after seeing the video where he pushed a woman] I'm fucked... I'm really fucked.
- Larry: I was in the grocery store and I heard a crash but you know it's uh, it's a supermarket in L.A., I figured it was, you know, looting.
- Arthur: It's understandable, that'd be my first thought.
- Norman Litkey: Hear me out. Hear me out. Why not have her on the show and apologize to her. I swear to Christ, this is brilliant. I mean, the only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air.
- Larry: God, you're a sick fuck.
- Norman Litkey: Thank you.
- Larry: See, I can't do that. I can't be an asshole.
- Beverly: [eye-rolling] That must be really hard for you, Larry.
- Larry: It is. It's very frustrating. Think of Johnny Carson. Remember when Johnny got arrested for drunk driving and he made the front page of every newspaper?
- Beverly: Yeah.
- Larry: You know how many people get arrested for drunk driving everyday? They're not on the front page of newspapers, only Johnny Carson is on the front page of newspaper. Do you know why?
- Beverly: He was drunk!
- Larry: No, but he's Johnny, that's the point. You think she would have sold those tapes to Entertainment Tonight if I wasn't Larry Sanders? I'll move to Montana, that will make everybody happy.
Hey Now [1.13]
- Larry: Artie, if I had a gun I'd put it in my mouth and take us both out.
- Arthur: What do you mean there's no helicopter? For God's sake, tell him he's a burn victim. If he were a kidney he'd have been here an hour ago.
The Breakdown (1) [2.01]
The Breakdown (2) [2.02]
The List [2.03]
- Hank: What else is my jackass businessman [unintell.] have to say?
- Darlene: [reading] "Mr. Kingsley, restaurants rotate when they are at the tops of buildings. Your place is at street level: There is no view."
- Hank: He does not get it! Y'see, the point is... It's not the view!... The point is, when you eat at Hank's, YOU and YOUR FOOD... are going... on an adventure!
- Darlene: Maybe you should just forget the rotating floor and get the place going!
The Stalker [2.04]
Larry's Agent [2.05]
The Hankerciser 200 [2.06]
- Larry: [on Francine's accident with the Hankerciser 200] She was so bruised Hank, she couldn't have sex, okay?
Life Behind Larry [2.07]
Artie's Gone [2.08]
Larry Loses Interest [2.09]
Larry's Partner [2.10]
Broadcast Nudes [2.11]
- Artie: [to Darlene about appearing in Playboy] Look at me; I've got a face that would crack a mirror that's why I am a producer.
Larry's Birthday [2.12]
Being There [2.13]
Performance Artist [2.14]
Hank's Wedding [2.15]
Off Camera [2.16]
- Artie: [to Elizabeth Ashley in the throes of passion in the Garment Room] Ever since you've gone on SlimfastTM, I'm powerless.
The Grand Opening [2.17]
L.A. or N.Y.? [2.18]
- Larry: [After quitting the show and moving to Montana] And now because he made a big mistake, Larry Sanders... Fucking frogs.
Artie After Hours [4.03]
- Artie: It's scotch whisky... Glenlivet, single malt. When you die, you'll go to heaven, say hello to God; and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath.
Hank's Sex Tape [4.07]
- Hank: You know, sex is not a dirty thing. Sex is not a crime. It's a loving act between two or more consenting adults.
- Larry: ...to quote our president.
Ellen, or Isn't She [5.08]
- [Stevie is raving about promoting an episode where Ellen DeGeneres comes out as a lesbian]
- Larry: All right, look, you know, I think we're avoiding one little question here: what if she's not a lesbian? Did you guys ever think of that?
- Stevie: Oh, man, I- she's a lesbian, I can tell, right? I've had sex with a lesbian.
- Artie: So you had sex with a lesbian. You gotta have sex with two lesbians, that's the whole point.
Adolph Hankler [6.06]
- Melanie Parrish: Arthur...
- Artie: Melanie! And Kenny! What an almost-pleasant surprise! ...
- Melanie: Look, Arthur: We're a little worried, here...
- Artie: About what?
- Melanie: Is Jon [Stewart] aware that this is an 11:30 show?!
- Artie: [nods]
- Melanie: ..and he just told us that he booked the Wu Tang Clan!
- Artie: Yes! Staten Island's street-wise troubadours. ... What about 'em?
- Kenny Mitchell: Well, we think they might be a little too... "urban".
- Artie: Urban? Well, I can call my good friend, Lenny Kravitz. He's only half-"urban"!
- Garry Shandling - Larry Sanders
- Rip Torn - Arthur ("Artie")
- Jeffrey Tambor - Hank Kingsley
- Penny Johnson Jerald - Beverly
- Janeane Garofalo - Paula
- Mary Lynn Rajskub - Mary Lou
- Jeremy Piven - Jerry
- Wallace Langham - Phil
- Linda Doucett - Darlene
- Scott Thompson - Brian
- Megan Gallagher - Jeannie
- Kathryn Harrold - Francine
- Deborah May - Melanie Parrish
- Joshua Malina - Kenny Mitchell
- Bob Odenkirk - Stevie Grant
- Sarah Silverman - Wendy