The Longest Yard (2005 film)
The Longest Yard is a 2005 American sports comedy film and remake of the 1974 film of the same name. The movie features inmates at a prison who play football against their guards. Adam Sandler plays the protagonist, Paul Crewe, an ex pro-football quaterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Burt Reynolds, the original Paul Crewe, plays a major role as Nate Scarborough, the head coach and a former Heisman Trophy winner for Oklahoma in 1955, and Chris Rock as Crewe's cell neighbor and friend known as Caretaker.
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- [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one. I got five more. Take care, guys.
- [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena! I think we should start seeing other people!
- [After crashing into several cop cars] Good news, boys. I didn't spill my beer.
- Me? No, I was so bad I was picked after the white kids. Guys would look at me and say, "Damn, we picked a nigga that can't play."
- Can you give a brother a little hustle?
- (To Brucie after he got tackled by Torres) Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out.
- I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... I just got burgers.
- [After Crew nails the crooked referee in the testicles with the football] You gotta always protect the McNuggets!
- (To Megget) You acting like a real McAsshole.
- Well, we may not have the most talented team, but we'll definitely have the meanest.
- You got a lot of balls, Crewe. You played a hell of a game. And don't worry, I know you had nothing to do with Caretaker's murder- and I'll back that up.
- Paul: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Okay, thank you. Who are we?
- [Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
- Turley: I'm glad you are back. Now I don't have to stab you.
[Crewe, Caretaker, and Scarborough meet with Battle in the showers]
- Battle: Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?
- Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
- Battle: Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
- Caretaker: Yup.
- Battle: So I get to...tackle him?
- Paul Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer. [Pointing to Battle's crotch.]
- Battle: [Grins] I want to hurt him, not kill him.
- Caretaker: [To Crewe] Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.
- Paul Crewe: Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
- Caretaker: Now who we gonna crush?
- Crowd: THE GUARDS!
- Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?
- Crowd: THE GUARDS!
- Caretaker: Who we gonna KISS?
- Brucie: THE GUARDS!
- Caretaker: Gotcha!
- Caretaker: Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss.
- Nate Scarborough: I'll take it.
- Caretaker: You got no brothers!
- Paul Crewe: What are you talking about? We got Switowski.
- Caretaker: That's one black guy! That's a lonely nigga; this ain't hockey!
[Deacon and Cheeseburger Eddie bring a group of black players to the team]
- Deacon: This better be on the up and up.
- Paul Crewe: I guarantee it.
- Deacon: Then let's do this shit.
- Meggett: There goes the neighborhood.
[The team prepares to practice, but see their field is flooded.]
- Nate Scarborough: Did it rain last night?
- Stitzy: Not a drop.
- Paul Crewe: [Under his breath] Son of a bitch. [Faces team] Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game.
- Nate Scarborough: Did he say "win"?
- Paul Crewe: So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.
[Switowski clothes-lines Durham for a tackle]
- Switowski: [Sniffs] ...I think I made him shit himself.
- Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
- Sportswriters in press box: I think he just shit himself.
- Guards team trainer: [Loading Durham on a cart] Good lord, this guy shit himself big time.
- Switowski: [Laughs] See, I told you I made him shit himself!
- Meggett: [To Durham] Yo, I'll be sure to send those books to you in the hospital, pimp!
- Deacon: [Laughing] And some diapers!
- Adam Sandler as Paul "Wrecking" Crewe
- Chris Rock as James "Caretaker" Farrell
- Burt Reynolds as Coach Nate Scarborough
- Nelly as Earl Megget
- Michael Irvin as Deacon Moss
- Bill Goldberg as Joey "Battle" Battaglio
- Terry Crews as "Cheeseburger" Eddy
- Bob Sapp as Switowski
- Nicholas Turturro as Brucie
- The Great Khali as Turley
- Lobo Sebastian as Torres
- Joey Diaz as Tony
- Rob Schneider as Plunky
- David Patrick Kelly as Unger
- Eddie Bunker as Doc "Skitchy" Rivers
- Steve Reevis as "Baby Face" Bob Rainwater
- Tracy Morgan as Miss Tucker
- James Cromwell as Warden Rudolph Hazen
- William Fichtner as Cpt. Wilhem Knauer
- Kevin Nash as Sgt. Engleheart
- Steve Austin as Guard Dunham
- Brian Bosworth as Guard Garner
- Michael Papajohn as Guard Papajohn
- Conrad Goode as Guard Webster
- Bill Romanowski as Guard Lambert
- Cloris Leachman as Lynette Grey
- Allen Covert as Referee
- Jim Rome as Himself
- Chris Berman as Himself
- Lauren Sanchez as Herself
- Patrick Bristow as Walt
- Adam Schefter as Himself
- Peter King as Himself
- Courteney Cox as Lena (uncredited)
- Dan Patrick as Police Officer