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The Muppet Movie

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Why're there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?

The Muppet Movie is a 1979 live-action/puppet musical comedy film featuring Jim Henson's The Muppets in which Kermit and his newfound friends trek across America to find success in Hollywood, but a frog legs merchant is after Kermit.

Directed by James Frawley. Written by Jack Burns and Jerry Juhl.

Dialogue

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[First lines]
Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
[They laugh as they ride off to the studios]
Bernie the Agent: [rowing his boat] HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah?
Bernie the Agent: [rowing up to Kermit] SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!
Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent: [chuckles] No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, one second. [snaps at fly] Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent: Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.
Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent: Thank you.
Kermit the Frog: Just watch out for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent: I will. [widens] Alligators?!
Kermit the Frog: That's right.
Bernie the Agent: Did you say "alligators"?
Kermit the Frog: Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".
Bernie the Agent: It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
Kermit the Frog: Hollywood?
Bernie the Agent: That's right.
Kermit the Frog: Did you say "Hollywood"?
Bernie the Agent: Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, [singing] Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
Bernie the Agent: [naps his finger] Wait a minute, wait a minute. [grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read] There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
Bernie the Agent: Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.
Kermit the Frog: [wonders] Millions of people happy...
Bernie the Agent: Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
Bernie the Agent: What?! [rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him]
Kermit the Frog: Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.
Bernie the Agent: STAY! STAY!
Kermit the Frog: Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood!
Kermit the Frog: The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. [gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe] Wow! Rough place, Huh?
The El Sleezo Cafe owner: That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest over the face of the earth!
Kermit the Frog: Well, why not complain to the owner?
The El Sleezo Cafe owner: "I" am the owner.
[Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]
Doc Hopper: Max! [Max pulls over] Follow that frog! [Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind] MAX!!! [Max stops and reverses the car] Follow that frog with me in the car!
Max: I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific?
Doc Hopper: [getting in the car]: Terrific, Max, terrific, now go!
Max: But you promised me a reward.
Doc Hopper: Later, Max. Now follow that frog!
[Max then drives off with Doc Hopper]
Fozzie: Kermit, where're we?
Kermit: [looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here.
Fozzie: [takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map] Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?
Kermit: We can't take that. That's a river.
Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.
Kermit: Yeah sure.
Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit: [cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie: Yeah?
Kermit: Who's driving?
[They looked up, and screamed before Fozzie drives away from crashing the church and stops the car]
Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course. [backing up next to the church]
[discovering that their car was painted by The Electric Mayhem]
Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys!
Kermit: I don't know why to thank you guys.
Sweetums: Jack not name, Jack Job!
Used Car Store owner: [quietly] How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers?
Sweetums: Yeah, I know!
Used Car Store Owner: Just move it. You understand?
The Beauty Pageant host: Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
Charlie McCarthy: You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks.
Edgar Bergen: Come on, Charlie. It's their movie.
Charlie McCarthy: So, it is.
[They both laugh]
The Beauty Pageant host: And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beauty Pageant is: MISS PIGGY!
Kermit: [watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by] Gonzo! What're you doing?!
Gonzo: About seven knots!
Kermit: [giving directions to Fozzie] Bear left.
Fozzie: Right frog.
Rowlf: Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf: Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf: Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: Stay away from women, that's my motto.
Kermit: But I can't.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That's my trouble.
Kermit: [over the phone] Hello?
[We see Doc Hopper and the tied-up Miss Piggy]
Miss Piggy: Kermie, help! I've been kidnapped! [Doc Hopper covers her mouth]
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you?
Doc Hopper: Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.
Kermit: But what if I don't?
Doc Hopper: Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.
Miss Piggy: [muffed screams] No, Kermie! Don't, don't...
[Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy. Kermit quietly and nervously enters outside the restaurant, and is held gunpoint by Doc Hopper's henchmen]
Kermit: [frightened] Um, aren't you the guys I'm supposed to meet?
[As Miss Piggy karate chops the henchmen]
Doctor Max Krassman: What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?!
Doctor Max Krassman: I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....
Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! [crashes into the machine] Come out, Kermit!
Kermit the Frog: [in tears of joy] Oh, Thank you!
[Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine]
Doctor Max Krassman: [screams when he leans on the chair] Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! [faints]
Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience: [heard] So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience: [appears, similar to Kermit, on the rock] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit: No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience: [walks up to him] Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit: But...that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit: Well, so do I, but...
Kermit's Conscience: You do?
Kermit: [realizes] Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience: Well, then?
Kermit: Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: When do you dudes have to be at the audition?
Kermit the Frog: 2:00 tomorrow afternoon!
Dr. Teeth: Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!
Kermit the Frog: A motorcycle cop is chasing us! [we see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus] Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.
Dr. Teeth: Easier done than said. [the police officer gets off his motor cycle]. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I.-
Miss Piggy: DON'T! YOU! DARE!
Dr. Teeth: I wouldn't think of it.
Kermit the Frog: Did we do something wrong, Officer?
[The police officer takes off the helmet and reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend Max].
Crowd: [shocked] Oh, look!
Miss Piggy: Kermit, it's him!
Kermit the Frog: Okay, guys. Let him explain.
Max: This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.
Fozzie :[sarcastically] Yeah, sure.
Max: I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!
[Everybody gasps]
Fozzie: Oh, no! Kermit, what are we gonna do?!
Floyd: It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
Fozzie: Yeah, get out of here, Kermit.
Dr. Teeth: I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.
Kermit the Frog: Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead?
Dr. Teeth: Uh...only an old ghost town.
Kermit the Frog: Fine. [to Max] Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there.
Max: [shocked] WHAT?!?!
[Miss Piggy gasps]
Fozzie: Kermit, you'll get killed!
Kermit the Frog: Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.
[Animal mighty roars at Doc Hopper and his villains before they're gonna run away]
Doc Hopper and Clan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Max, who's not screaming, gives Kermit and the gang thumps up with a smile and leaves]
Kermit the Frog: [surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends] Everybody, on to Hollywood!
[Muppets cheering]
Lew Lord, CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios: [to the intercom] Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company.
[The Muppet gang are surprised, and they cheered, while Kermit is stunned with relief]
Scooter: [holds the clapboard the wrong way] Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! [urts his hand from the clapboard] Ow!
Beaker: Makeup's ready!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Sound's ready.
Kermit the Frog: [on Megaphone] Okay, stand by, here we go!
[Last lines]
Animal: Go home! Go home! Bye-bye. [faints]
[Cuts to black]

Cast

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Cameo Guest Stars

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The Muppet Performers

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  • Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf and The Swedish Chef
  • Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Beaker, Camilla the Chicken, Marvin Suggs and Sam the Eagle
  • Jerry Nelson as Crazy Harry, Floyd Pepper, Robin the Frog and Lew Zealand
  • Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler and Sweetums
  • Dave Goelz as The Great Gonzo, Zoot and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
  • Caroll Spinney as Big Bird.
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