Why're there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
[concerning Kermit the Frog] It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
[concerning women] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. We grin and bear it 'cause the nights're long. I hope that something better comes along.
[trying to film the Muppets] Okay everybody, stay in focus.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
Rowlf: Oh. Broken heart, right?
Kermit:[sadly] Does it show?
Rowlf: Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf: Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: Stay away from women. That's my motto.
Kermit: But I can't.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That's my trouble.
Kermit: It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation. This crowd's getting ugly.
Fozzie: If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.
Fozzie: Kermit, where're we?
Kermit:[looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.
Fozzie:[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map] Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?
Kermit: We can't take that. That's a river.
Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.
Kermit: Yeah sure.
Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
Kermit:[cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
Kermit: Who's driving?
Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience: Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit: No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit: Well, so do I but...
Kermit's Conscience: You do?
Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience: Well then?
Kermit: Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
[Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]
Doc Hopper: Max! [Max pulls over] Follow that frog! [Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind] MAX! [Max stops and reverses the car] Follow that frog with me in the car!
Max: I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific?
Doc Hopper:[getting in the car]: Terrific, now go!
Max: But you promised me a reward.
Doc Hopper: Later, Max. Now follow that frog!
Bernie the Agent: HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!
Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah?
Bernie the Agent: SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I lost my sense of direction!
Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Bernie the Agent:(chuckles) No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, one second. (snaps at fly) Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
Bernie the Agent: Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.
Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way. But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
Bernie the Agent: Thank you.
Kermit the Frog: Just watch for the alligators.
Bernie the Agent: I will. Alligators!?
Kermit the Frog: That's right.
Bernie the Agent: Did you say, alligators?
Kermit the Frog: Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".
Bernie the Agent: It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
Kermit the Frog: Hollywood?
Bernie the Agent:: That's right.
Kermit the Frog: Did you say "Hollywood"?
Bernie the Agent: Read my lips, Hollywood. You know, Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
Bernie the Agent:(Snaps his finger) Wait a minute, wait a minute. (Grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read) There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
Bernie the Agent: Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.
Kermit the Frog: Millions of people happy...
Bernie the Agent: Millions! Hey, If you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
Bernie the Agent: What!? (rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him)
Kermit the Frog:Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.
Bernie the Agent: STAY! STAY!
Kermit the Frog: Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood.
Kermit the Frog: The motorcycle cop's chasing us!
[We see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus].
Kermit the Frog: Hey, Dr. Teeth, You better pull over.
Dr. Teeth: Right on, Kermit.
[The police officer gets off his motor cycle].
Dr. Teeth: Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I....
Miss Piggy: DON'T YOU DARE!
Dr. Teeth: I wouldn't think of it.
Kermit the Frog: Did we do something wrong, Officer?
[The police officer reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend, Max].
Crowd: Oh no! Kermit, it's him!
Kermit the Frog: Okay, guys. Let him explain the situation.
Max: This whole disguised is so that I can warn you.
Fozzie Bear: Yeah, sure.
Max: I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he just hired a frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!
Kermit the Frog: Hey, Dr. Teeth! What's straight ahead?
Dr. Teeth: Just an old ghost town.
Kermit the Frog: Good. Just tell Doc Hopper, I will wait for him there.
Fozzie: But, Kermit. You're going to get killed there.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from bullies. It's time for the showdown.
Lew Lord (CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios): (To the intercom) Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company.
Scooter: (Holds the clapboard the wrong way) Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! (Hurts his hand from the clapboard)
Miss Piggy: Makeup's ready!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Sound is ready.
Kermit the Frog: (On Megaphone) Okay, Stand by, Here we go!
Animal: GO HOME!!! GO HOME!!! Bye Bye! (faints as we see the caption read This film's dedicated to the memories and magic of Edgar Bergen (1903-1978).)