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The Nanny (1993–1999) was a popular situational comedy starring actress Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the pantyhose-clad nanny of three children from the New York Upper Class.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Pilot [1.1]
- 1.2 Smoke Gets In Your Lies [1.2]
- 1.3 My Fair Nanny [1.3]
- 1.4 The Nuchslep [1.4]
- 1.5 Here Comes The Brood [1.5]
- 1.6 The Butler, The Husband, The Wife And Her Mother [1.6]
- 1.7 Imaginary Friend [1.7]
- 1.8 Christmas Episode [1.8]
- 1.9 Personal Business [1.9]
- 1.10 The Nanny-In-Law [1.10]
- 1.11 A Plot For Nanny [1.11]
- 1.12 The Show Must Go On [1.12]
- 1.13 Maggie The Model [1.13]
- 1.14 Family Plumbing [1.14]
- 1.15 Deep Throat [1.15]
- 1.16 Schlepped Away [1.16]
- 1.17 Stop The Wedding, I Want To Get Off [1.17]
- 1.18 Sunday In The Park With Fran [1.18]
- 1.19 The Gym Teacher [1.19]
- 1.20 Ode To Barbra Joan [1.20]
- 1.21 Frannie's Choice [1.21]
- 1.22 I Don't Remember Mama [1.22]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Fran-Lite [2.1]
- 2.2 The Playwright [2.2]
- 2.3 Everybody Needs A Bubby [2.3]
- 2.4 Material Fran [2.4]
- 2.5 Curse Of The Grandmas [2.5]
- 2.6 The Nanny Napper [2.6]
- 2.7 A Star Is Unborn [2.7]
- 2.8 Pinske Business [2.8]
- 2.9 Stock Tip [2.9]
- 2.10 Whine Cellar [2.10]
- 2.11 When You Pish Upon A Star [2.11]
- 2.12 Take Back Your Mink [2.12]
- 2.13 The Strike [2.13]
- 2.14 I've Got A Secret [2.14]
- 2.15 Kindervelt Days [2.15]
- 2.16 Canasta Masta [2.16]
- 2.17 The Will [2.17]
- 2.18 The Nanny Behind The Man [2.18]
- 2.19 A Fine Friendship [2.19]
- 2.20 Lamb Chop's On The Menu [2.20]
- 2.21 Close Shave [2.21]
- 2.22 What The Butler Sang [2.22]
- 2.23 A Kiss Is Just A Kiss [2.23]
- 2.24 Strange Bedfellows [2.24]
- 2.25 The Chatterbox [2.25]
- 2.26 Fran Gets Mugged [2.26]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Pen Pals [3.1]
- 3.2 Fran And The Professor [3.2]
- 3.3 Dope Diamond [3.3]
- 3.4 A Fine Family Feud [3.4]
- 3.5 Val's Apartment [3.5]
- 3.6 Shopaholic [3.6]
- 3.7 Oy Vey, You're Gay [3.7]
- 3.8 The Party's Over [3.8]
- 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields [3.9]
- 3.10 Having His Baby [3.10]
- 3.11 The Unkindest Gift [3.11]
- 3.12 The Kibbutz [3.12]
- 3.13 An Offer She Can't Refuse [3.13]
- 3.14 Oy To The World (animated Christmas special) [3.14]
- 3.15 The Fashion Show [3.15]
- 3.16 Where's Fran? [3.16]
- 3.17 The Grandmas [3.17]
- 3.18 Val's Boyfriend [3.18]
- 3.19 Love Is A Many Blundered Thing [3.19]
- 3.20 Your Feet's Too Big [3.20]
- 3.21 Where's The Pearls? [3.21]
- 3.22 The Hockey Show [3.22]
- 3.23 That's Midlife [3.23]
- 3.24 The Cantor Show [3.24]
- 3.25 Green Card [3.25]
- 3.26 Ship Of Fran's [3.26]
- 3.27 A Pup In Paris [3.27]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 The Tart With Heart [4.1]
- 4.2 The Cradle Robbers [4.2]
- 4.3 The Bird's Nest [4.3]
- 4.4 The Rosie Show [4.4]
- 4.5 Frieda Needa Man [4.5]
- 4.6 Me And Mrs. Joan [4.6]
- 4.7 The Taxman Cometh [4.7]
- 4.8 An Affair To Dismember [4.8]
- 4.9 Tattoo [4.9]
- 4.10 The Car Show [4.10]
- 4.11 Hurricane Fran [4.11]
- 4.12 Danny's Dead And Who's Got The Will? [4.12]
- 4.13 Kissing Cousins [4.13]
- 4.14 The Fifth Wheel [4.14]
- 4.15 The Nose Knows [4.15]
- 4.16 The Bank Robbery [4.16]
- 4.17 Samson, He Denied Her [4.17]
- 4.18 The Facts Of Lice [4.18]
- 4.19 Fran's Roots [4.19]
- 4.20 The Nanny And The Hunk Producer [4.20]
- 4.21 The Passed-Over Story [4.21]
- 4.22 No Muse Is Good Muse [4.22]
- 4.23 You Bette Your Life [4.23]
- 4.24 The Heather Biblow Story [4.24]
- 4.25 The Boca Story [4.25]
- 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It [4.26]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 The Morning After [5.1]
- 5.2 First Date [5.2]
- 5.3 The Bobbi Flekman Story [5.3]
- 5.4 Fransom [5.4]
- 5.5 The Ex-Niles [5.5]
- 5.6 A Decent Proposal [5.6]
- 5.7 Mommy And Mai [5.7]
- 5.8 Fair Weather Fran [5.8]
- 5.9 Educating Fran [5.9]
- 5.10 From Flushing With Love [5.10]
- 5.11 Rash To Judgment [5.11]
- 5.12 One False Mole And You're Dead [5.12]
- 5.13 Call Me Fran [5.13]
- 5.14 Not Without My Nanny [5.14]
- 5.15 The Engagement [5.15]
- 5.16 The Dinner Party [5.16]
- 5.17 Homie-Work [5.17]
- 5.18 The Reunion Show [5.18]
- 5.19 Immaculate Concepcion [5.19]
- 5.20 The Pre-Nup [5.20]
- 5.21 The Best Man [5.21]
- 5.22 The Wedding [5.22+23]
- 6 Season 6
- 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard [6.1]
- 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed [6.2]
- 6.3 Once A Secretary, Always A Secretary [6.3]
- 6.4 Sarah's Parents [6.4]
- 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend [6.5]
- 6.6 I'm Pregnant [6.6]
- 6.7 Mom's The Word [6.7]
- 6.8 Making Whoopi [6.8]
- 6.9 Oh, Say, Can You Ski? [6.9]
- 6.10 The Hanukkah Story [6.10]
- 6.11 The In-Law Who Came Forever [6.11]
- 6.12 The Fran In The Mirror [6.12]
- 6.13 The Yummy Mummy [6.13]
- 6.14 California, Here We Come [6.14]
- 6.15 Ma'ternal Affairs [6.15]
- 6.16 The Producers [6.16]
- 6.17 The Dummy Twins [6.17]
- 6.18 Yetta's Letters [6.18]
- 6.19 Maggie's Wedding [6.19]
- 6.20 The Baby Shower [6.20]
- 6.21 Finale [6.21-22]
- 7 Catchphrases
- 8 External links
- Fran: Oh, please! I come from Flushing. There is nothing these kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before. Except maybe their trust funds.
- Fran: You can't fire me! I quit! [walks out the door, comes back in] No, you fired me. That way, I can collect unemployment.
- Fran: (about C.C.) You know, shiksas are notorious for not ordering enough food. Booze, yes, but food, they don't know from.
Smoke Gets In Your Lies [1.2]
- Fran: [after an argument with Mr. Sheffield] Can you believe he just sent me to my room? He is so adorable sometimes.
My Fair Nanny [1.3]
- Maggie: Who does C.C. think she is, butting into my social life?
- Fran: What social life?
- Maggie: I just went to the movies with Denise.
- Fran: Honey, she's the cleaning lady.
- [Trying to correct her walk]
- Mr. Sheffield: It's your hips, Ms. Fine.
- Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.
- Mr. Sheffield: It's the way they move from side to side.
- Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.
The Nuchslep [1.4]
- Fran: Niles, are you okay?
- Niles: I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
- Fran: Don't ask, don't tell. But for God's sake, come out of the closet.
- Niles: Ill, Ms. Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
- Fran: Oh, you British. You look like us, you act like us, but bottomline: you're foreigners.
- Fran: I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures. We order Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.
Here Comes The Brood [1.5]
- [After hearing Fran call Mr. Sheffield from downstairs]
- C. C.: Ms. Fine, please. They've already freed Willy.
- Fran: I don't know about these straps, Ma. You look like a ham.
- Sylvia: The salesgirl said I look like a dream.
- Fran: Maybe Oscar Mayer's.
- Sylvia: She should choke on her commission!
- [At the Mishkin wedding, Fran tells off C.C.]
- Fran: Look, I can understand you feeling threatened by me.....yes, even in THIS dress! But there is no reason that we can't get along under the same roof. Oh, wait, you don't live with us!
- C.C.: Your point?!
- Fran: Look, you're a lovely woman, and I wish you well. But if you ever hurt one of my kids again, they'll be wiping your blue blood off the walls! And I mean that in the nicest possible way!
- [Watching Maxwell and Grace dancing]
- Fran: Look, Ma, she's standing on his shoes. Isn't that the cutest thing you ever saw?
- Sylvia: Adorable. Go cut in!
The Butler, The Husband, The Wife And Her Mother [1.6]
- Fran: [About her uncle] Jack was always trying to one-up my mother. We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado. We moved to Flushing, he moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win. Oh yeah, once, she grew a moustache before him.
- Fran: What we need here is compromise.
- Mr. Sheffield: Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity.
- Fran: That's democracy in action.
Imaginary Friend [1.7]
- Fran: Question: When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment? At all?
- C. C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
- Fran: I remember when Goldie died, may she rest in peace.
- Mr. Sheffield: Your grandmother?
- Fran: My goldfish.
- Mr. Sheffield: Goldie the goldfish. Clever. You should write.
- Fran: I loved her so. And then there she was one day belly-up in her bowl, her little body just covered in ick. We gave her a 21 flush salute.
- Mr. Sheffield: Lovely tribute.
- Fran: No. She just wouldn't go down.
Christmas Episode [1.8]
- Fran: Look, Gracie! Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.
- Grace: I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
- Fran: The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, did you remember my attache?
- Niles: Yes, sir.
- Mr. Sheffield: And my carry-on?
- Niles: Always, sir.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, seems we have everything.
- C. C.: [Enters] Maxwell?
- Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.
Personal Business [1.9]
- C. C.: Synthetic fur. How P.C. of you.
- Fran: P.C.?
- C.C.: As in politically correct.
- Fran: Oh, well, it's actually J.C. as in Penney. Your outfit's nice too.
- C.C.: Of course dear, it's an Adolfo.
- Niles: As in Hitler?
- [About the acting of a soap opera star]
- Fran: He is truly sensitive. When he cries, snot comes out of his nose.
The Nanny-In-Law [1.10]
- Clara: Ms. Fine, is it? Which agency exactly was it that arranged for your position here?
- Fran: Oh, I didn't come through an agency. Mr. Sheffield hired me right off the street.
- Mr. Sheffield: It's not like it sounds. I tried her out for the weekend first.
- Fran: Aw he must've been so cute in his little crib, with his lil' silver pacifier in his little three pieced diaper
- Fran: Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a PEZ dispenser.
A Plot For Nanny [1.11]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what I am trying to say is if you are intent on having a fling then there are certain rules regarding proper places for a fling to be flung.
- Fran: Mm-hmm. So I take it the previous nannies never, er... flang?
- Mr. Sheffield: No, they were not flingers.
- [About Steve going back to college]
- Fran: Oh, a professional man! Doctor?
- Steve: No.
- Fran: Lawyer?
- Steve: No.
- Fran: Indian chief?
- Steve: I'll give you a hint. [Dons a red rubber nose]
- Fran: You're studying to be Karl Malden?
The Show Must Go On [1.12]
- Mr. Sheffield: It is just a P.T.A. Meeting.
- Fran: Meanwhile, some of those Ps and Ts could be lonely hes.
- Niles: You've certainly got the A for it.
- [About Grace as a performer]
- Mr. Sheffield: My God, she has got something, hasn't she?
- Fran: Yeah. Guts.
Maggie The Model [1.13]
- Chloe: I'll never forget those three glorious weeks we spent in Cornwall.
- Mr. Sheffield: We were never in Cornwall.
- Chloe: Devon?
- Mr. Sheffield: No.
- Chloe: The cozy little room with the fireplace and the four-poster bed?
- Mr. Sheffield: Nope. Not me.
- Chloe: Well, I had a good time.
- Fran: Aw, thanks, Peppy.
- Pepe: No, it's Pe-PAY, okay?
- Fran: Let me guess. Arnold, right?
- Pepe: No, Bernie.
Family Plumbing [1.14]
- Fran: I'm gonna be canned for sure.
- Niles: Ms. Fine, you spend so much time up this creek, I should think by now you'd have bought a paddle.
- Fran: Maggie has to learn to handle 14-year-old boys so that when she grows up, she can know how to handle full grown men who, when you think about it, are a lot like 14-year-old boys.
- Fran: No way my little cousin Tiff is still in pampers
- Tiff: Good news, I'm potty trained which is more than I can say for him
Deep Throat [1.15]
- [About Fran's tonsil removal]
- Brighton: Remember, Fran, afterwards, you can have all the ice-cream you want.
- Fran: Swell. If I live, I'll be hippy.
- Fran: Shister Meffield, I love you.
Schlepped Away [1.16]
- Sylvia: It's the worst blizzard in 30 years.
- Fran: Oh God! Did Kathie Lee come into the studio?
- Sylvia: No.
- Fran: It's bad.
- [About Kenny]
- C. C.: For all we know, he could be a member of a gang.
- Fran: What gang? The 'Oys In The Hood?
Stop The Wedding, I Want To Get Off [1.17]
- Jocelyn: Maxwell, you described [Fran]'s laugh all wrong in your letter. It's nothing like the QE 2 adrift in a fog.
- Fran: Brighton, don't be greedy. God will punish you.
- C. C.: [Enters] Good evening, everyone.
- Fran: See?
Sunday In The Park With Fran [1.18]
- Fran: Too bad we didn't have this conversation in the garden. The plants would have loved the fertilizer.
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, don't you have something you want to say to Mr. Bradley and his son?
- Fran: Yeah, but then I'd have something else to apologize for.
The Gym Teacher [1.19]
- Val: That sales clerk was SO rude!
- Fran: I know! You ask to try on 20 pairs of shoes and right away they get an attitude.
- [Coming up with an excuse to get Maggie out of gym class]
- Grace: How about severe depression brought on by feelings of inadequacy and fear of death?
- Fran: Gracie, where do you come up with these things?
- Grace: Usually during hopscotch.
- Coach Stone: You call that a double handspring layout?! SHAPE UP!!! I've seen better routines in Gymboree! You MARY LOU ROTTEN!!!!
Ode To Barbra Joan [1.20]
- Fran: It's like my mother always says—
- Niles: "You can freeze anything"?
- Fran: No.
- Mr. Sheffield: "Why buy Sweet'N Low when restaurants are giving it away"?
- Fran: No.
- Mr. Sheffield: "Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line"?
- Fran: No. My mother always said: "Blood is thicker than water. And you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers".
- Fran: Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you for just one minute?
- Mr. Sheffield: I doubt it.
Frannie's Choice [1.21]
- Mr. Sheffield: So would you like me to be there when you tell the children?
- Fran: Oh Do we have to tell the children?
- Mr. Sheffield: I think they'll notice you're missing.
- Fran: Can't you just tell them I'm taking a bath?
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you'll be gone forever.
- Fran: Tell them I'm putting on my makeup.
- C. C.: Hey, kids, you know when I'm down in the dumps, what cheers me up?
- Fran: A fifth of scotch and a fresh pack of batteries?
I Don't Remember Mama [1.22]
- Fran: Hi. I'm Fran and this is Gracie.
- Bobbi: [One of the contestants] I'm Bobbi Jo and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
- Fran: How are things in Petticoat Junction? [They share polite laughter]
- Bobbi: So is this your first beauty pageant?
- Fran: Hardly. Yours?
- Bobbi: Oh, 'fraid not. Ms. Sun Svelte 1982.
- Fran: '83 Ms. Manny, Moe & Jack.
- Bobbi: '84 Ms. Leon County.
- Fran: '85 Ms. Union Turnpike.
- Bobbi: '87 finalist, Ms. Universe.
- Fran: Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
- Mr. Sheffield: I don't know how C.C. can be so insensitive.
- Niles: Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go whitewater rafting.
- Mr. Sheffield: First day of school already, huh? Summer just flew by.
- Fran: Spoken by a man who did not see The Lion King 257 times.
- Fran: Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants fell off in Bloomingdales.
- Brighton: What did you do?
- Fran: I kicked 'em down to the Lancome counter and kept on walking.
The Playwright [2.2]
- Brighton: Did you know that if you squeeze coal really hard it turns into a diamond?
- Fran: Not true. One summer, me and Val went through a whole bag of Kingsford briquettes trying for earrings.
- Brighton: No luck, huh?
- Fran: No way, but to this day, I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigno.
- Fran: Do I sound like I'm coming down with a cold?
- Niles: Constantly.
- Jeffrey: (about Maxwell reading his play) He hates it.
- Fran: What are you listening to him for, he passed on "Cats".
- Maxwell: It was singing pussycat people in a giant garbage can. What would you have done?
- Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield...still running.
Everybody Needs A Bubby [2.3]
- Fran: (to Yetta) What are you thinking?! This is the Sheffield's house! No one ever has sex here!
- Yetta: (commenting on Brighton and Grace) These kids. They got nothing from you!
- Sylvia: Mom, these aren't Fran's children. Fran doesn't have any children. She's not married. SHE'S ALL ALONE!!!
- Fran: Louder, Ma. I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!!!
Material Fran [2.4]
- Fran: I tell ya, these personals are such a joke. Look at this: "Single White Female". That could mean anyone from Madonna to Janet Reno. Here's one: "Exotic Good Looks". I'm seeing a depilatory problem... Here's a gem. "Young bi-couple digs snakes. Contact Feoni. P.O. Box 666. No weirdos."
- Grace: You have no idea how cruel children can be.
- Fran: Honey, I've had this voice since the second grade. Need I say more?
Curse Of The Grandmas [2.5]
- Fran: Does anybody know what today is?
- Niles: Another one of your colorful holidays involving plagues?
- Niles: Think back, sir. One year ago today, someone's spiked heel dug its first gibbet into the parquet floor.
- Mr. Sheffield: Weren't you going to get that fixed?
- Niles: Come closer. One year to the day since we first learned: "If it ain't half-off, it ain't on sale."
The Nanny Napper [2.6]
- Mr. Sheffield: This woman, my nanny, is accused of a crime that I can assure you she didn't commit.
- Sergeant: Prostitution?
- Fran: I'm not a HOOKER! I'm a kidnapper.
- C. C.: Before Nanny Fine, we didn't have to step foot into a place like this.
- Hooker: C.C. girlfriend, gotcha again huh?
- C.C.: You must have me confused with someone else. (to Mr. Sheffield) I have never seen her before in my life.
- Hooker: Oh, is that your game? That's cool, just stay off of 2nd Avenue, Leon is looking for you.
- C.C.: Maxwell, I swear!
- Niles: [to the hooker]: Here you go. (gives the hooker money)
- Hooker: That good for you?
- Niles: Oh, it was wonderful. I could do it again and again.
A Star Is Unborn [2.7]
- Maggie: Say, some of the kids are going to the Hamptons for the weekend.
- Fran: Oh, great! Will there be boys there?
- Maggie: Um... Maybe a few.
- Fran: Fun! Parents? Ah! Who cares? They'll just get in the way anyway. Go! Have a blast! We don't even have to tell your father.
- Maggie: Really?
- Fran: Sure! And when I'm fired and you're in the convent, we'll write each other letters and laugh about this.
- Fran: You know what I think? You're jealous because Phillipe discovered something that was right under your nose.
- Mr. Sheffield: And what would that be exactly?
- Fran: My star quality!
- Mr. Sheffield: That's rather like discovering the atomic bomb. Sounds good in theory but millions will suffer!
Pinske Business [2.8]
- [Fran walks in in a svelte black number]
- Maggie: Wow, Fran, you look so hot in that dress!
- Fran: Uh-oh, I'm supposed to look like Ms. Babcock. I tried to dress conservatively. Niles, can you picture Ms. Babcock in this dress?
- Niles: Not if I ever want to function as a man again.
- Fran: Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Ms. Babcock. Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.
- Niles: Oh, no, Ms. Fine. I couldn't possibly.
- Fran: C'mon! Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work.
- Niles: In your usual corner? [Stops] I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. Don't make me do this.
- Fran: I'm Ms. Babcock and I'm off to get money from a man.
- Niles: Don't forget your change belt. [Stops again] I hate myself... Do it again.
- Fran: No, I have to go.
- Niles: Oh, c'mon, one more, I'm hot!
- Fran: All right and I'll make this one easy. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.
- Niles: [Thinks hard]
- Fran: C'mon... I don't hear anything... Niles, get a life. [Leaves]
- Niles: I got it! I got it! [Shouts out by the driveway] I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl! [Apologetically] Officer.
Stock Tip [2.9]
- Fran: Honey, I think you should hike up your pants a little bit.
- Brighton: No, Fran, this is cool.
- Fran: No, honey, this is the Maytag repair man.
- Fran: Maggie, who does Ms. Babcock hate more, me or Niles?
- Maggie: Whoa! God, this is hard. She hates both your guts.
- Fran: Yeah, but I make her nauseous.
- Niles: I make her drink.
Whine Cellar [2.10]
- Brighton: This will be a great party. A bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.
- Maggie: Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.
- [Fran and C.C. are locked in the wine cellar]
- C. C.: These are the topics we can no longer discuss: what Woolite can and cannot do, anyone with the last name "Cassidy", odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans...
- Fran: All right, okay, but you're really restricting the conversation.
When You Pish Upon A Star [2.11]
- C. C.: What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?!
- Mr. Sheffield: [Warningly] Niles...
- Niles: But, sir. Fish gotta swim.
- Maxwell: Control yourself, man.
- Niles: Very well, sir. [as C.C laughs] Lemon? [Squeezes lemon into C.C's eye]
- C.C.: Nanny Fine, you're alone with the kid for two minutes and he wants to quit show business?!
- Niles: If only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling.
- C.C.: I could kill you. I could rip out your heart with my bare hands!
- Fran: ...She don't have a key to the house, does she? Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.
- Mr. Sheffield: No, it is not all for the best, Miss Fine; it is not all for the best at all!
- Fran: But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt!
- Mr. Sheffield: Alright, Miss Fine, let me see if you can follow this, hmm? Sky: blue! Fire: hot. Actor: pain in the butt! You are going to rectify this situation.
- Fran: Wow, that sounds painful...
- . . .
- Mr. Sheffield: You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town and order the most expensive thing on the menu!
- Fran: Well, all right. But I'm not taking the limo!
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, yes, you are!
- Fran: Slave driver! [Leaves and returns] But there is no way you are buying me a new dress!
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh yes— [Realizes what's going on] GET OUT!
Take Back Your Mink [2.12]
- Fran: Niles, did my mother call?
- Niles: Well, I'm not sure. There was one call. A sob, a sigh and a long plaintive "oooooooyyyy."
- Fran: Either that's her or AT&T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint. I can't believe she would stoop to prank guilt calls.
- Niles: How low can she go?
- Fran: You're talking about a woman who can grow a tumor on command.
- Niles: This should be quite a dinner. Miss Fine not speaking to her mother, Miss Margaret not speaking to you. That'll leave the bulk of the conversation to you and Sylvia.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, God.
- Niles: Oh, sir, it won't be that bad. You'll tell her how you got started in theater and she'll tell you how she removes unwanted hair.
The Strike [2.13]
- Fran: [Seeing C.C. on the floor] Cheers! Must be 5 o'clock somewhere.
- C. C.: I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine. I just slid off the couch.
- Fran: And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun-damaged.
- Fran: Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield, when the kids say: "Fran said no", that's the big robot going: "Danger, Will Robinson!"
- Mr. Sheffield: You know, I could have stayed in England.
- Fran: I'll make it simple for you. Children are like a brassiere.
- Mr. Sheffield: [With a pained look on his face] One part of me says, "Get out the window, quick!" But the other part just has to know why.
- Fran: Because they divide and separate.
- Mr. Sheffield: Ah!
- Fran: Your mother never told you that?
- Mr. Sheffield: No, but we always thought Mummy should have talked more about her underwear.
I've Got A Secret [2.14]
- Fran: What did I tell you about snooping?
- Grace: That there should always be a lookout.
- Fran: Good! Go wait in the hall.
- Mr. Sheffield: So what brings you here, Miss Fine?
- Fran: Oh, nothing.
- Maxwell: Children are doing well?
- Fran: Uh huh.
- Maxwell: Household running okay?
- Fran: Oh yeah.
- Maxwell: Anything on fire?
- Fran: No, no.
- Maxwell: Then get out!
- Fran: What?
- Maxwell: I was just thinking...before you came into my life, I never had the need for an emergency transvestite.
Kindervelt Days [2.15]
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?
- Niles: [To C.C.] Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.
- Erik: Don't you have a big reunion tomorrow night?
- Fran: [Swooning] Yeah...
- Erik: Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.
- Fran: Oh, my God! This is amazing! This is like a dream! How could this be?
- Grace: We told him how desperate you were.
- Fran: [Still ecstatic] Oh, THANK YOU!!
Canasta Masta [2.16]
- Mr. Sheffield: So, Ms. Fine, back from the batting cages. How did my boy do?
- Fran: Well... He made contact with the ball. And, er, he'll have a great career if the Bee Gees ever get back together.
- Fran: I can't wait to hit the buffet tables in Atlantic City. He's got a safari jacket with 40 pockets in it. We won't have to order room service.
The Will [2.17]
- Fran: Honey, to you, Brighton's an obnoxious brother. But to other little girls, he's 79 pounds of pure stud muffin.
- Grace: Ew!
- C. C.: Niles, pour me some more tea.
- [She places her empty mug on the counter. Niles ignores her and continues chopping vegetables]
- C.C.: I want some more tea, Niles. [Niles continues to ignore her.] You are a butler, now buttle!
- [Maxwell enters the kitchen. C.C. doesn't notice, but Niles does.]
- Niles: Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?
- C.C.: You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile, now pour!!
- Mr. Sheffield: C.C.!
- C.C.: Maxwell!
- Mr. Sheffield: Don't speak to Niles like that; poor man isn't a mind-reader!
- C.C.: But... But, Maxwell—!
- Niles: [pitifully] Oh, it's alright, sir. Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.
The Nanny Behind The Man [2.18]
- Fran: Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has that you don't is a middle name.
- Mr. Sheffield: I've got a middle name.
- Fran: Well, there you are! What is it?
- Mr. Sheffield: Beverly.
- Fran: Moving on.
- Yetta: Dak and I are a match made in heaven. I like dark meat, he likes light. I could hear the movie, he could see it. I've got a right lung, he's got a left... Thank you for introducing us. Most guys my age are senile. [exits dining room] I'll be in the gift shop.
A Fine Friendship [2.19]
- Niles: Oh dear. That was the last apple.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?
- Niles: Well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it and now it's too late. It was right there in front of me. If only I snatched it up when I had the chance, I wouldn't have this aching hunger.
- Mr. Sheffield: Good God, man, have a bloody pear!
- . . .
- Niles: Oh dear. That was the last pear.
- Fran: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?
- Niles: Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.
- Fran: You snooze, you lose.
- Kurt: Listen, I haven't seen this soap in seven months. Catch me up.
- Fran: Well, they're still at Erica's party...
Lamb Chop's On The Menu [2.20]
- [Lamb Chop freaks out when C.C. walks in wearing a wool coat]
- C. C.: What did I do?!!
- Fran: Ms. Babcock, your coat. New Zealand Lamb?
- C.C.: So?
- Fran: Maybe she had people there?!
- Mr. Sheffield: Take. It. Off.
- Niles: Three words she doesn't hear often. [high-fives Lamb Chop]
- C.C.: Niles, isn't that sweet? You're bonding with the sheep. Not the first one, I'm sure.
- Niles: Bravo. You win. Every dog has her day.
- Fran: Well, I said it. I knew you'd find some way to blame it all on me.
- Niles: [eavesdropping, from outside] Yes, she did, sir.
- Fran: But I've got a plan.
- Niles: Yes, she does, sir.
- Fran: And as you know, my plans never fail.
- [She waits for a response, and then elbows the door.]
- Niles: [bursts into laughter]
Close Shave [2.21]
- Fran: Excuse me, I need a doctor.
- Nurse: What are your symptoms?
- Fran: I'm 30 and still single.
- Nurse: That's funny... 30!
- [Fran is sitting in a hospital room; the telephone rings and Fran looks suspicious]
- Fran: [suspiciously] Hello?... Ma, how did you find me here?... Well what's the emergency?... Ma, Mike Douglas isn't on Channel 4 because they cancelled him 22 years ago! Would you spring for a new TV Guide?
- [Fran, disguised as a nurse, is forced to shave an unconscious Maxwell for an emergency appendectomy. She applies the shaving cream and is nervously "spreading" it when Niles walks in on her]
- Niles: Bucking for a raise?
What The Butler Sang [2.22]
- Fran: My sister has always wanted everything that I've had. My clothes, my toys. Once, I actually got a shag haircut just because I knew she'd look lousy in it. Took me twelve weeks to grow out but she looked like Cousin Itt.
- Mr. Sheffield: You're off your bloody rocker, you know that? Thank God you're not operating heavy machinery, just raising my children.
A Kiss Is Just A Kiss [2.23]
- Maggie: Pamela Chapman's so gorgeous, even her mother hates her.
- Fran: Sweetie, you've gotta have more self-confidence. All of those over-developed girls just peak in high school.
- Val: Yeah, remember that girl from our school who was so beautiful and so popular that everyone thought she would own the world. Then her fiancé dumped her, she got fired from her job and she wound up working as a na— [stops]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I heard about the contest and I just can't bear the thought of you feeling badly about yourself.
- Fran: Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. That's awfully sweet of you but, really, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna make me feel any better.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well then, I suppose I'd be wasting my breath if I told you no girl could possibly be a match for a woman like you.
- Fran: I'd give it a shot.
- . . .
- Mr. Sheffield: I think you are one heck of a kisser... I can't remember being kissed like that... With such passion, such abandon, such... suction.
- Fran: Well, Danny used to call me his little Dirt Devil.
Strange Bedfellows [2.24]
- Fran: Niles, look at the cake for my friend Mona's retirement party?
- Niles: It's beautiful.
- Fran: It's plaster of Paris.
- Niles: Why would anyone buy a fake cake?
- Fran: Because I'm gonna take it out of the box, they're all gonna ooh and aah and then say: "No thanks, I'm on a diet". This way, I can use it again plus I can carry it on the bus [under my arm].
- . . .
- Niles: You do know there's a piece broken off the side?
- Fran: I know. I had it at my mother's not ten minutes. She said it's dry but if you dunk it in Sanka, it's delish.
- Mr. Sheffield: I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.... It would give me great pleasure if you would...
- Fran: [Excited] Yeah? Yeah?!!
- Mr. Sheffield: ...let me buy you a condominium.
- Fran: Huh?
- Mr. Sheffield: For your retirement.
- Fran: A condo?! That's what you want to give me for my future?!! I have never been so— Would it include carpet and plantation shutters?
- Mr. Sheffield: Yes, of course.
- Fran: Pets okay? 'Cause I probably want a cat.
- Mr. Sheffield: Whatever you want. So... happy?
- Fran: [Strangely satisfied] Yeah.
- Niles: [Overhearing, shaking his head] Oy! This is gonna take forever.
The Chatterbox [2.25]
- [When Niles serves CC a plate of breakfast]
- C. C.: Niles. My eggs are all dried up.
- Niles: The gene pool is safe.
- Mr. Sheffield: CC, tell me, did you have one of these "Sweet 16's"?
- CC: Oh, please, all those little snot noses trying to out do each other! I didn't want one.
- Fran: No friends?
- Niles: None.
Fran Gets Mugged [2.26]
- Brighton: I feel terrible. I should have defended you yesterday but I totally wimped out.
- Fran: Oh, sweetie... sweetie, listen. All you did was pass out, puke, and pee in your pants. You were in Central Park. You fit right in.
- C. C.: (pushing Brighton past Mr. Sheffield's office) Ask yourself punk, do you feel lucky?
- Mr. Sheffield: What's all that about?
- Niles: Oh, the expert is teaching Brighton how to repel a man.
Pen Pals [3.1]
- Mr. Sheffield: Where is Ms. Fine anyway?
- Niles: She's upstairs getting all farpitzed.
- Mr. Sheffield: What does that mean?
- Niles: You know, dressed.
- Mr. Sheffield: I thought that was farblondzshet.
- Niles: No, sir, that means confused.
- Mr. Sheffield: No, man, that's farkakteh.
- Niles: Well then, what's farshimlt?
- Mr. Sheffield: I think that's her uncle.
Fran And The Professor [3.2]
- Mr. Sheffield: It's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend. I was hoping I'd be invited.
- Fran: Oh, a Renaissance Weekend. Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.
- Mr. Sheffield: Where is this brother of yours, C.C.?
- Fran: Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly and married?
- C. C.: No, why?
- Fran: Then I gotta change.
Dope Diamond [3.3]
- Fran: Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes. Would you stop futzing with my skirt? Can you believe her? Stop it!
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, she's your mother. She's just pulling it down.
- Fran: She's my mother. She's hiking it up.
- Therapist: So, ladies, what brings you to therapy?
- Fran: I came because my mother has an obsession with me getting married.
- Sylvia: I came because my daughter has a delusion that I have an obsession.
- Yetta: I came because they brought me and I don't know how to get home from here.
A Fine Family Feud [3.4]
- Fran: I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin... [Sees Grace] Airline tickets.
- Grace: Did they give you another one?
- Fran: No, honey. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.
- Niles: Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, then it miraculously reappears.
- Fran: Ma, you have nothing to do with this!
- Sylvia: I have nothing to do with my daughter's boss's daughter's sweet sixteen?
Val's Apartment [3.5]
- Fran: Gracie, that whining is so annoying. (whining) Where did you pick that up?
- Val: Oh my God, a roach! A roach!
- Fran: Well, take your shoe off and kill it!
- (Val takes off her shoe and steps on the roach with her bare foot)
- Fran: The years are passing me by! 27, 28, 29, 29, 29...
- Mr. Sheffield: Just spare me the details.
- Niles: Alright, but it's about Danny and Heather Biblow.
- Maxwell: Alright, come on, dish!
- Niles: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but Heather wants Val out of the bridal shop so Danny fired her.
- Maxwell: He didn't!
- Niles: He did.
Oy Vey, You're Gay [3.7]
- Fran: Er...I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
- Sydney: Aren't you gay too?
- Fran: Me? I'm not gay.
- Sydney: I just assumed. You're over 30, never been married, there isn't a man in your life...
- Fran: Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.
- Fran: Oh my god.
- Mr. Sheffield: What? Another rat?
- Fran: Worse. There's an echo in here. I just heard my own voice.
The Party's Over [3.8]
- Judge: Miss Fine? Do you have your attorney present?
- Fran: Oh... my attorney present. Oh-oh... you know what, I'm not going to get him anything. Let's see how he does first.
- Judge: (to the bailiff) Is this a competency hearing?
- Fran: (about Fran's uncle and lawyer) He's strictly pro bono.
- Val: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro Cher.
The Two Mrs. Sheffields [3.9]
- Fran: My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me just to get even with his mother!
- Val: Wow! ...Good thing she showed up, huh?
- Fran: I can't marry someone under false pretenses!
- Val: You can't? Gee, you think you know a person.
- Fran: (Running into Maxwell's office) Look at this! 'Hello Dolly' spelled out in Spaghetti O's! I swear it fell out of the can that way!
Having His Baby [3.10]
- C. C.: [to Niles] Listen, Hazel (laughs) Don't you have anything to dust off?
- Niles: How about the left side of your bed?
- Fran: (looking at picture of her ex-boyfriend, Danny's newborn baby) Oh, I'm so jealous!
- Niles: (grabs picture from Fran) Miss Fine, I can't see why this picture makes you yearn for a child. I could see a Lhasa Apso...
The Unkindest Gift [3.11]
- Sylvia: Fran, you're probably wondering why I'm acting so strange.
- Fran: Ma, you've been here for two seconds. You yelled, you ate. The only thing strange is that you haven't showed me a wedding announcement from a girl I went to high school with.
- Sylvia: It's in my purse.
- Sylvia: You know I don't like to be filmed when I'm eating.
- Fran: Which is why there's more footage of Bigfoot than of her.
- Fran: Oh, Niles, it's so hard planning a vacation when you're single.
- Niles: Yes, it's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vale, sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy!" "Niles, give me a comforter!" "Niles, go out in that blizzard for a PIZZA!"
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
- Niles: WHAT... is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.
- Mr. Sheffield: Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up.
- Fran: And yet you continue to ask me. You need help, mister.
- . . .
- Mr. Sheffield: Why do I ever listen to you?
- Fran: Well, my voice is kinda hard to tune out.
An Offer She Can't Refuse [3.13]
- Fran: Hi, you must be Mr. Tattori.
- Tony: Please. My friends call me Tony. [Kisses her hand]
- Fran: [Pulls it back] What does your wife call ya?
- Tony: I'm divorced.
- Fran: [Extends it again] I'm Fran.
- Fran: So... tell me about yourself. What do you like to do besides dress like a million bucks and drive around in a limo? Which is all I ever really aspire to.
- Tony: It is not important what I do. It is important who I am.
- Fran: Who are you?
- Tony: It is not important who I am. It is important who I am with.
Oy To The World (animated Christmas special) [3.14]
- [Fran and Brighton watch a live-action clip of Fran Drescher on TV]
- Fran: [chuckles] I love her. You know, I've seen her in person. She looks much younger.
- [Grace walks to the window]
- Grace: Fran, the storm is getting worse. How is Santa going to deliver all the presents?
- Fran: Gracie, the man is bigger than Dom DeLuise and can fit through a chimney. Believe me, he can get through a blizzard.
- [About C.C. the Abominable Babcock]
- Niles: She's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.
- Fran: Sounds like my mother.
- Niles: Be careful. She's 2000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.
- Fran: Oy, she is my mother.
The Fashion Show [3.15]
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get this piece of trash out of here!
- Niles: [To C.C.] You heard the man. Move it!
- Mr. Sheffield: Have I let my judgement be impaired by my feelings for Ms. Fine?
- Niles: What feelings are those, sir?
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, you know—
- Niles: No, I don't, sir.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, c'mon, Niles—
- Niles: But you'd feel so much better if you just said it.
- Mr. Sheffield: Perhaps you're right! Maybe I should just admit that—
- Fran: [Enters] Knock-knock!
- Niles: Oh, WAIT!!
Where's Fran? [3.16]
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?
- Niles: Time flies when you're being unreasonable... sir.
- [Yetta enters with a policeman]
- Mr. Sheffield: Yetta, what happened?
- Policeman: [Motioning the crazy sign] We found her wandering around on Queen's Boulevard. She says she lives here.
- Yetta: [Aside to Maxwell] Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.
- Mr. Sheffield: Officer, thank goodness you're here. Look, our nanny is missing. She stormed out of the house this morning and we haven't seen her since.
- Yetta: She got upset when he called her a gorgeous, sexy vixen he couldn't live without.
- Mr. Sheffield: I never said that!
- Yetta: Don't you wish you had?
The Grandmas [3.17]
- [Niles is writing a sign]
- Mr. Sheffield: Can you imagine Ms. Fine thinking I'm predictable! Me! Mr.—
- Niles: [In unison] —Spontaneity.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? [Niles shows his sign: "Of course not, sir"] Well, predictable is good, predictable is solid... Oh, God, even I knew I was going to say that.
- Niles: If I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man... sion.
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I want her to be happy here. How do you suppose I go about satisfying Ms. Fine?
- Niles: [Awkward silence] Well, the second way, sir—
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
- Niles: Just shake it up, sir! Do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, I don't know. Give me a bonus!
- Fran: Ma, I can't believe Gracie doesn't want to be seen with me.
- Sylvia: Honey, it's a normal thing for a kid to go through. Remember when you suddenly didn't want me to pick you up from school?
- Fran: Yeah, but I don't wear a girdle on the outside of my pants.
Val's Boyfriend [3.18]
- Niles: I'm sorry, sir. I just— I just got so excited. I mean, she said and then— then you said and— and when she said "I quit!" well, I—I just wanted to roll over, light up, and watch Letterman.
- Mr. Sheffield: I just can't be genuinely insincere the way Ms. Babcock is. I tried calling everyone sweetie darling like she does. Now Harvey Fierstein's making pesto for me on Thursday.
Love Is A Many Blundered Thing [3.19]
- [Teaching Brighton a lesson]
- Fran: Guess who's picking you up from school tomorrow? My mother!
- Brighton: So?
- Fran: Straight from jazzercise in her thong leotards. And you know, she don't wait outside neither. She'd wanna come in and meet all your little friends.
- Brighton: [higher-pitched] So?
- Fran: Maybe she'll even do her flash dance. You know, she's a maniac.
- Brighton: [repentant] No! I'm sorry! I'll be a good boy!
- Fran: It is too late, mister. You'd better be watching your back and sleeping with one eye opened! And brush your teeth after every meal! [gets a look] What? I'm still his nanny.
- C. C.: [to Niles] Listen, Flavio...I wanna be alone with Maxwell tonight. What's it gonna cost me to make you disappear?
- Niles: Try fifty bucks.
- CC: Done!
- Niles: [After C.C. gives him $50 dollars] ...No, didn't work, I'm still here.
Your Feet's Too Big [3.20]
- Mr. Sheffield: People want to do business with me because I'm, well, cute. Big bushy hair, English accent. I'm a one-man mop-top British invasion.
- Niles: I think Ms. Fine made it up that your hair is thinning because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.
- Mr. Sheffield: That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem! Look, Niles, she's a young beautiful woman. What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?!
- Niles: Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something. [Sprays cologne on him] After all, you're a man, she's a woman, fill in the blanks. The children are at the school, she's lying on the sofa and if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?
Where's The Pearls? [3.21]
- Mr. Sheffield: [to Fran] You're my nanny. You take care of my children.
- Fran: But I've got style, I've got flair. How did I become the nanny?
- Niles: How do you do, Tiss Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.
- Maxwell: It doesn't matter who's coming over, Miss Fine, because you're not going to meet her... him, or it.
- Fran: You know, I cannot believe that you don't trust me. I mean, I sit here cooped up in the house all day, you never introduce me to any of the stars that you know, you never let me in any of your shows. I have a good mine to get Little Ricky and... oh.
- C. C.: Nanny Fine, I need you to drop off this script to Antonio Banderas!
- Fran: Forget it, Miss Babcock. I already know who's coming over here.
- CC: You told her about Elizabeth Taylor?!
- Maxwell: No. You did!
The Hockey Show [3.22]
- Fran: I don't care if I ever get married. Meanwhile, my mother has a sudden urge to jump out the window and she doesn't know why.
- Mr. Sheffield: Margaret, if you were Ms. Fine, what car would you like to drive?
- Maggie: Uh... my husband's.
That's Midlife [3.23]
- Mr. Sheffield: C.C., life is short. You should go back to doing what you were doing when you were young.
- Niles: Sir, there's so little call nowadays for Civil War nurses.
- Fran: Mr. Sheffield is going through a mid-life crisis and I don't know how to pull him out of it.
- Sylvia: Marry him.
- Fran: How's that gonna help him?
- Sylvia: Who cares? Better we should be happy.
The Cantor Show [3.24]
- Fran: If God listened to my mother, I'd be living in a mansion with a handsome millionaire and gorgeous kids. (stares at the ceiling) She forgot to say "married"?!
- Lady: Shhh!
- Sylvia: Calm down, it's in Hebrew. What, are you afraid you'll miss something?
- Maxwell: I Knew It. I knew it!!........ Andrew Loyd Webber is God
Green Card [3.25]
- Fran: Ooh, croy-sants!
- Niles: [correcting her] Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you but more nasal.
- Niles: (to CC) No sour grapes, you could have foreign men worship you too. Go to India. You'd be sacred.
Ship Of Fran's [3.26]
- Captain: Welcome aboard the Century, ladies. I'm your captain.
- Fran: [With Yetta hanging onto her] How do you do? I'm Fran Fine and this is my birth control device.
- Yetta: You look so different without your blue uniform and your big handlebar moustache.
- Fran: Yetta, that's Cap'n Crunch.
- Yetta: I know who it is. That picture on the box must have been taken years ago.
- Mr. Sheffield: You can't trust him. He won't make you happy.
- Fran: I don't want to be happy. I want to be married.
A Pup In Paris [3.27]
- Mr. Sheffield: I told mother no one should get a hold of their trust fund until they're at least 30 years old.
- Brighton: 30?! I'm not gonna have a date 'til I'm 30!
- Fran: Honey, at least when you turn 30, you'll be rich. When I turn 30, I'll be... 40.
- Maggie: How much do you know about the Titanic?
- Yetta: Top of the line! They had a midnight buffet on deck. And the ice sculpture—HUGE!
The Tart With Heart [4.1]
- C. C.: Nanny Fine, don't be hurt just because I'm closer to little Gretel than you are.
- Fran: Gretel never said that!
- C.C.: Aren't we defensive? There's nothing wrong with being just a pretty face. In fact, it's a plus if you have no skills.
- Fran: I've got skills!
- C.C.: Nanny Fine, identifying what's in the Godivas without a guide is not a skill. C'mon! You must know the only reason you got this job is because of your looks.
- Fran: Hey! Hey! That is not true! I got this job because I lied on my resume.
- Fran: What is it with guys? Why do they always think just because you're at a singles bar with a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto heels, you're looking for action?
- Jack: Why do women think that guys expect them to jump into bed every time they try to buy them a drink? Now, potato skins, I get you both.
- Fran: I don't think so.
- Val: Speak for yourself. I haven't had a potato skin in three years.
The Cradle Robbers [4.2]
- Fran: I was 17 once too. I snuck out all the time. Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend. I just wanted to eat bacon.
- Mr. Sheffield: Who told you to call the doctor?
- Niles: Ms. Fine.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, excuse me but when did she become master of the house?
- Niles: Three years ago September.
The Bird's Nest [4.3]
- [At Loehmann's sale]
- Shopper: Excuse me please. I had this sweater first.
- Fran: I believe you're mistaken.
- Shopper: I've got the cuff.
- Fran: I've got the armpit.
- Shopper: [Grabs Grace] I've got your kid.
- Fran: Hah! She's not mine.
- Shopper: Listen, I'm warning you. My nicotine patch fell off, my mother's in town and my boyfriend just left me for my brother.
- Fran: [Points to Grace] I'm over 30, single, and I work for her!
- Fran: Niles, I was thinking Mr. Sheffield was right. If I help Brighton with his project, it's only going to hurt him.
- Niles: You've already gotten involved and screwed up?
- Fran: Yeah.
The Rosie Show [4.4]
- Niles: Ms. Fine and Ms. Babcock walking arm-in arm. Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse?
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what are you doing here?
- Fran: I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured I should be a part of it.
Frieda Needa Man [4.5]
- Fran: [insinuating herself under the guise of talking about Frieda] I hope he knows he doesn't have forever because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.
- Mr. Sheffield: Good bloody luck to her catching one because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub" and rarely marry those who spit!
- Frieda: I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown. C'mon, kids, come help zip me up.
- Brighton: I'll get the pliers.
Me And Mrs. Joan [4.6]
- Fran: Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for last time? I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.
- Mr. Sheffield: No. Unlike my father, I'm not about to abandon my responsibilities for sexual gratification with some cheap floozy who works for me.
- Fran: WHY?!!
- Joan: Isn't this delightful? Where did you get the exquisite shrimp?
- Yetta: I came with her.
- Joan: No, dear. I meant the crustacean.
- Yetta: Oh... She's my daughter.
The Taxman Cometh [4.7]
- C. C.: Chester loves the kennel. When I come to take him home, he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.
- Mr. Sheffield: It's bad enough having your dog here. [Fran enters] Always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time...
- Fran: SHHHHH! Does everybody need to know our business?
An Affair To Dismember [4.8]
- Mr. Sheffield: [Condescendingly to a depressed Niles] Oh dear, Niles, what is it this time? Your job? Your weight? No future?
- Niles: Actually, I was just wondering why I don't have a social life but you cleared that right up for me. Thank you, sir.
- Niles: Good things come to those who wait, sir. Unless they wait too long and then they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.
- Fran: [Holds up a skimpy bikini] Oh, Val, I just love this new bathing suit I got. Do you think Mr. Sheffield will be able to see my tattoo in this?
- Val: Fran, he'll be able to see your liver in that.
The Car Show [4.10]
- Fran: [Greeting Ms. America] Tara, hi! Fran Fine, Miss Subways, 198-er... 90.
- Tara: It's always nice to meet another pageant winner. What was your platform?
- Fran: 59th and Lex. You know, we two have so much in common. We're both title holders and you can't married for the duration of your reign and I can't get married for the love of God.
- Fran: It is just so adorable how you can't really express the way you feel. Like all the times you yell and scream at me when in reality, you want to hug me.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well...
- Fran: And all those times when you fired me when in reality, you want to kiss me.
- Mr. Sheffield: [Shyly] All right.
- Fran: When you told me you love me and you took it back when in reality...
- Mr. Sheffield: No, actually, that I meant.
- Fran: I hate you.
- Mr. Sheffield: No, you don't. You really want to hug me.
Hurricane Fran [4.11]
- Maggie: Guys come up with the lamest excuses.
- Fran: [Sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Like when you told me you had that whisker burn all over your face from kissing my mother? Hello?!!
- Maggie: Fran, that really happened.
- Sylvia: [In tears] It's times like this you look up to God and ask: "Why? Why?!"
- Mr. Sheffield: We can't ask why, Sylvia. It's nature. It's random. It's...
- Sylvia: No! Why don't you marry my daughter?
Danny's Dead And Who's Got The Will? [4.12]
- Fran: Ma, I met this man at Danny's funeral.
- Sylvia: Fabulous! He's Jewish?
- Fran: Yeah, and a doctor.
- Sylvia: Oh!
- Fran: And he's gay.
- Sylvia: So you seeing him again?
- Fran: Don't you know that if you were, God forbid, in a coma, technically, I'm not considered family? I wouldn't be allowed to pull the plug. I should have at least have THAT much satisfaction.
Kissing Cousins [4.13]
- Fran: So do you want children someday?
- Bobby: Yes.
- Fran: Is your mother alive?
- Bobby: No.
- Fran: Take me.
- Mr. Sheffield: So who is this Bob fellow anyway?
- Fran: Oh, you're going to love him!
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, the important thing is that you love him, Miss Fine. [nervously] Do you love him, Miss Fine?
- Fran: Don't be silly, it took me three years to fall in love with you— [catches herself] ...Hoo's chocolate drink, moving on.
The Fifth Wheel [4.14]
- Fran: Dr. Miller says I should go out of the house without makeup on. That I should even tell people my real age.
- Sylvia: What else does this "genius" have to say?
- Fran: I don't know. I blacked out after that.
- Niles: I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up on men. What did she do?
- Fran: She tried to swallow a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.
- Niles: Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.
- Fran: Oy, you try catching lightning in a bottle.
The Nose Knows [4.15]
- Dr. Miller: Now, listen to me carefully. He's your boss. You are the nanny.
- Fran: Wow...
- Dr. Miller: You mean no one's ever pointed it out to you before?
- Fran: Oh, constantly. But when you're paying $140 an hour, it's got so much more resonance.
- [Not knowing she's talking about Dr. Miller picking his nose]
- Mr. Sheffield: What did he do?
- Sylvia: Let's just say he put his hand some place he shouldn't have.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! And nobody's going to do anything about it?!
- Sylvia: What are you gonna do, call the police? They'd have to arrest every man on the subway.
The Bank Robbery [4.16]
- Mr. Sheffield: How are Ms. Fine and her mother?
- Val: Well, so far it's quiet.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! He's killed her!
- Val: The bank robber took your mother!
- Fran: Oh my God! That poor man!
Samson, He Denied Her [4.17]
- Attorney: (walking over to Fran, reading the piece of paper on his clipboard) Juror number two. Sorry, but under marital status, does this say Divorced?
- Fran: (looking at what she wrote) No. Disgusted.
- Juror [to CC]: You like a sensitive guy?
- C. C.: Yes. I used to be one.
The Facts Of Lice [4.18]
- Fran: [Counselling Niles] All this anger and bitterness is just a mask for low self-esteem. Where does all this come from?
- Brighton: Hey, Niles, could you wash my underwear?
- Mr. Sheffield: Darling, I've known the butler 30 years. We've had many gay times together, shared a fag or two between us and I can tell you, if there was anything queer about him, I'd know it.
- Fran: So in other words, you had some fun, you smoked a few cigarettes and there's nothing strange about him.
- Mr. Sheffield: Of course.
- Fran: Just making sure.
Fran's Roots [4.19]
- Fran: A woman just called and told me that Ma may not be my real mother.
- Mr. Sheffield: So are we happy or sad?
- Fran: We're thinking.
- C. C.: [to Maxwell] I have a friend at CBS who wants to buy our show and turn it into a TV series.
- Niles: Whoa, back up. You have a friend?
The Nanny And The Hunk Producer [4.20]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ladies, tell me: What could be better than my new play being nominated for a Tony Award?
- Sylvia: Your face on my grandchild.
- Mr. Sheffield: Alright, now this is it. Now, if they start to shoot our row, I don't want anyone making rabbit ears behind anyone else's heads, alright? Just behave yourselves.
- Brighton: When did I ever do that?
- Mr. Sheffield: I wasn't speaking to you.
- Niles: Oh, one time at the Angela Lansbury roast. Would you let it go?
The Passed-Over Story [4.21]
- Mr. Sheffield: If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning, who would you save?
- Fran: I'd save my mother. Barbra can walk on water.
- Mr. Sheffield: Does everyone eat like this on the Jewish holidays, Ms. Fine?
- Fran: Why do you think we wandered the desert for 40 years? We were walking off the meal.
No Muse Is Good Muse [4.22]
- Tasha: You are exactly what I've been looking for. You are the voice of the people.
- Fran: And not just the people. Dogs hear me too.
- Niles: [To C.C.] Look at your shiny new coat. Have you been adding cod liver oil to your diet?
You Bette Your Life [4.23]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, before Tom and his son get here, we have a little saying in the theatre: "Mess with the investor, move back in with your mother."
- Fran: I have a saying: "Mess with the nanny... please."
- Niles: I just spent four hours putting together a gazebo for Ms. Babcock's terrace.
- Maggie: Ms. Babcock doesn't have a terrace.
- Niles: Now we both know.
The Heather Biblow Story [4.24]
- Niles: I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him when he takes the children to Hawaii.
- Fran: It's always the same thing: Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.
- Niles: Since when?
- Fran: Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.
- Niles: Ms. Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap and you're not coming home?... Well, of course, I'm shocked! They gave you a speaking part?!
The Boca Story [4.25]
- Niles: You don't know what it is to be the only one of your friends who's not married.
- Fran: Hello?!
- Niles: And over 40.
- Fran: Not a clue.
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I'm not sure how much longer I can control my feelings for you.
- Fran: Er... Wait three to four seconds and let 'er rip.
Fran's Gotta Have It [4.26]
- Niles: I've been killing myself all week trying to drop a pound. How does Mr. Sheffield keep in shape?
- Fran: Running from commitment.
The Morning After [5.1]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I have to talk to you about our relationship and the way it seems to have escalated.
- Fran: Wait a minute, you said "our", "relationship" and "escalated" in the same sentence. Should I book a hall?
- Mr. Sheffield: Ooh. Ms. VERY Fine.
First Date [5.2]
- C. C.: I just don't understand why Maxwell would ask Nanny Fine on a date! I should be going to Elton John's dinner, not her. I am the one with sophistication! I am the one with savvy! Why would he pick her over me?
- Niles: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!
- C.C.: [In tears] Why?!!... What am I doing wrong?
- Niles: Well, for one thing, you've known him for 25 years or half your life and you don't even know the names of his children.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, Niles, do you think that Ms. Babcock's upset that I asked Nanny Fine out on a date?
- Niles: Oh, no sir.
- Maxwell: Well, I'd hate for her to think that I didn't like her.
- Niles: (innocently) Oh, wherever would she get that idea?
- Maxwell: Oh, I don't know. Maybe from SOME BIG FAT BUTLER SCREAMING IT IN HER FACE! (Niles clutches his heart, takes something out from his pocket, and puts it in his mouth) Oh, stop it, I know those are bloody Tic-Tacs!
The Bobbi Flekman Story [5.3]
- Brighton: Is it true back then people used to listen to their music on some sort of primitive large black vinyl disc?
- Fran: Only when we weren't enjoying our favorite pastime, child hurling.
- C. C.: Don't you see, Bobbi Flekman is an amalgamation of the two of us. She is everything he is searching for in a woman. (Points to herself) Beauty, brains, and (Points to Fran) a slut.
- Fran: Hey! You know, you may be onto something.
- Bobbi Flekman: (To C.C.) Honey, you look like a smart woman. You're not, but you look like one. Baby, you're a doormat, an old shoe. No man is worth this. Stop being a masochist.
- Fran: Ms. Babcock, I have something to tell you that is going to be very hard for you to take.
- C. C.: [To Mr. Sheffield] YOU ASKED HER TO MARRY YOU, YOU SCUM?!! TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE I HAVE—
- Mr. Sheffield: C.C.!! C.C.!! Ms. Fine lost Chester in Central Park.
- C.C.: Phew! You scared the hell out of me.
- Brian: [On the phone, as an ice-cream truck drives by] Arianna, shut that damn window! I'm trying to demand a ransom here! Please! I can't take that horrible sound!
- Fran: [Overhearing] I'm sorry, sir, but this happens to be my natural voice!
The Ex-Niles [5.5]
- Sylvia: I can't believe [Niles] quit. It's so sad. I can still smell his chicken cacciatore. It's like when you lose a limb and swear it's still there.
- Niles: I've come back! Hide me please!
- Fran: What happened?
- Niles: I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages. I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I do NOT... do windows.
- Frieda: NILESY!!
- Niles: Oh, God, Sasquatch!
A Decent Proposal [5.6]
- Bellhop: [To Mr. Sheffield] Can I have your last name, sir?
- Fran: Good luck. I've been waiting five years for it.
- Chevy: You have a beautiful face. Ever thought about acting?
- Fran: Are you deaf?
Mommy And Mai [5.7]
- Niles: All I wanted was a simple thank you. I suppose in order to get some attention around here, I have to hop up on your desk in my short skirt.
- Mr. Sheffield: Did you say "my"?
- Niles: I was putting myself in Ms. Fine's shoes.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, you can't wear those wingtips with your skirt. Make you look stumpy.
- Niles: He who belts "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" in the shower should not throw stones. I assure you I am the most masculine one in this room... [Enter C.C.] ...until now.
- Fran: I was the most popular girl in school. It said so on all the bathroom walls.
Fair Weather Fran [5.8]
- Maggie: How lucky is your grandmother getting married at her age. Do you know the odds of a woman over 35 finding a husband?
- Sylvia: 1 in 1245.6
- Fran: Uh-huh. How much do you weigh, Ma?
- Sylvia: Who can remember numbers?
- Fran: Dr. Miller, I had the weirdest dream last night. Grandma Yetta was running down a football field carrying a bridal bouquet and Count Basie was waiting for her at the end zone when Miss Piggy comes walking by carrying a very lean corn beef sandwich and says: "You are not getting any younger."
- Dr. Miller: Clearly the dream indicates that you are bitter and upset over the fact that your 85-year-old grandmother is getting married for the second time when you haven't been married once.
- Fran: Really?! Now you see I just thought I had a thing for jazz and the Muppets. Duh!... I'm gonna stop obsessing on wanting to be married and follow my dream. From here on end, I'm gonna be a more interesting mature independent woman. Maybe then he'll propose.
Educating Fran [5.9]
- Mr. Sheffield: It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man. I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you.
- Niles: [Coyly] Nobody looks good at two in the morning.
- C. C.: Hello Steve, C.C. Babcock. I understand you're a professor. And you're going out with Nanny Fine. What's the matter, research wouldn't give you a chimp?
From Flushing With Love [5.10]
- [Negotiating days off at work with Mr. Sheffield]
- Niles: I'll bring you back Cuban cigars.
- Fran: I'll send my mother to Cuba.
- Niles: I'll make you Baked Alaska.
- Fran: I'll send my mother to Alaska.
- Mr. Sheffield: In all fairness, Niles did ask me first.
- Fran: He's wearing your suit!
- Niles: She's wearing Ms. Gracie's skirt.
- Fran: And that's how I just won.
- Niles: I don't know what I was doing in that unholy alliance with Babcock.
- Fran: I know. It's like Yogi dumping Boo Boo for the Ranger.
Rash To Judgment [5.11]
- Sylvia: Since I started my diet, I went down an entire cup size.
- Fran: What cup size did you go down to, Ma? Stanley?
- C. C.: Maxwell, there's a horrifying glimpse of the future. A 250-pound apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
One False Mole And You're Dead [5.12]
- [Anticipating the arrival of a famous actress]
- C. C.: When she gets here, I don't want any screw-ups. [Starts sniffing]
- Mr. Sheffield: What are you doing?
- C.C.: I'm sniffing for Alberto VO 5, Top Ramen, anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.
- Fran: Are you implying that I cannot keep this thing a secret?
- Mr. Sheffield: C'mon, Ms. Fine, the only secret safe with you is your age. Barry Scheck and a whole barrel of sodium penthatol couldn't drag that out!
Call Me Fran [5.13]
- Niles: [To C.C] In the risk of sounding like the doctor who delivered you, this could get ugly.
- Mr. Sheffield: [About Fran] Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?
- Niles: May I speak freely, sir?
- Mr. Sheffield: Yes, of course, old boy.
- Niles: [menacingly] I am so bloody sick of this, year after year, "Niles, what am I to do? I told her I loved her, I took it back, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm worried about the children!" [yelling, grabs Mr. Sheffield's shirt and shakes him] For God's sake, make a move! Do something! You passed on Cats, do you want to regret this for the rest of your life too?!
Not Without My Nanny [5.14]
- Mr. Sheffield: Ah, good afternoon, Ms. Fine.
- Fran: Good afternoon, Mr. Sheffield. You know, the kids are at school, Niles is shopping. We could... do it.
- Mr. Sheffield: [Tentatively] All right. Hi... Fran.
- Fran: [Playfully] Hi, Max.
- Mr. Sheffield: Why can't a woman be more like a man?!
- Niles: [Enter C.C.] Well, there's your prototype.
The Engagement [5.15]
- Sylvia: [Picking up the telephone] Yes?
- Fran: [Excitedly] I'm getting married!
- Sylvia: Sorry, Miss. You got the wrong number.
The Dinner Party [5.16]
- Niles: How does it feel to wake up an engaged woman?
- Fran: You know how they say when you finally attain your dream, it's always a letdown?
- Niles: Mm-hmm.
- Fran: They were WRONG!
- Singing Telegram: [To C.C., sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle]
- Fran and Maxwell are engaged
- It looks like you're a loser
- She'll be happy all her days
- And you'll become a boozer.
- Fran: You know, sweetie, last night you didn't give me that little something that I'm used to getting from you every week.
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, Fran, since we got engaged, I didn't think I had to give it to you anymore.
- Fran: Wait a minute. I know what I'm talking about. What are you talking about?
- Mr. Sheffield: Your paycheck.
- Fran: Thank God. That's what I'm talking about too.
- Sylvia: You're his partner in life. You're the woman behind the man. Help him, support him, be there for him, never refuse him. You get me?
- Fran: Yeah, I get you. You're talking about dinner, right?
- Sylvia: What else is there?... Do you know where your father would be today if I hadn't pushed him?
- Fran: Not collecting disability?
The Reunion Show [5.18]
- Sylvia: It's not natural. I never heard of such a thing. What man doesn't want to procrastinate with the woman he loves?
- Fran: Procreate, ma.
- Sylvia: Fran, I am telling you right now. If I don't get grandchildren out of him, I'll never step foot in this house again.
- Fran: Well, congratulations, Ma. You just invented the first foolproof male contraceptive.
- Mr. Sheffield: Fran wants to have a baby with me.
- Niles: What, you've forgotten how to do it?
- Mr. Sheffield: This is serious, Niles. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. All the crying and the diapers and the waking up at 4am.
- Niles: Oh, sir, it's not so bad when you consider I DID ALL THAT! You know, come to think of it, you are too old to have a baby.
- Mr. Sheffield: I'm not that old.
- Niles: You have three children already. Why can't Ms. Fine be happy with that?
- Mr. Sheffield: Because they're not... ours. Having a baby is one of those things that bond a couple together.
- Niles: Mmm. That's why we're so close.
Immaculate Concepcion [5.19]
- Mr. Sheffield: What proof do we have this woman and I are related?
- Fran: Let's get to know her a little bit. Hi, honey, are you married?
- Concepcion: I was living with a man for 5 years but I couldn't make a commitment.
- Fran: There's your DNA test!
- Sylvia: What is the one thing I taught you?
- Fran: "Death begins in the colon"?
The Pre-Nup [5.20]
- Mr. Sheffield: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.
- Niles: Why don't you just walk around downtown Iraq dressed as Uncle Sam? It'd be quicker.
- C.C. Replacement: Good night, Piles.
- Niles: Niles.
- C.C. Replacement: You say tomato...
- Niles: You know something, lady? You're just a pale imitation of the C.C. Babcock I know. You're not half the man she is.
The Best Man [5.21]
- Niles: I have not waited around five years for some little shiksa to come in and ruin my wedding.
- Fran: Oh, thank you, Niles. You know, you could be Ma if it weren't for the whiskers. Although.
- Sylvia: If you leave, I'm gonna throw myself in the Hudson River.
- Fran: Ma, flooding New Jersey is not gonna solve anything.
The Wedding [5.22+23]
- Mr. Sheffield: I think you'd really like her, Sarah.
- Sarah: I do, Max. Why do you think I sent her to you?
- Mr. Sheffield: You sent her to me. And you heard her speak?
- Sarah: I thought she had a cold.
- Police Officer: [On the phone with a stranded Fran] Honey, it's a beautiful story. My heart goes out to you but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency... You're how old?... I'll send a chopper.
- Mr. Sheffield: What do you mean: "The wedding is over"?
- Fran: Jocelyn and Lester are getting a divorce.
- Mr. Sheffield: What's that to do with us?
- Fran: Their marriage didn't work because they're from two different worlds just like us. I mean you're the sophisticated classy Jocelyn, and I'm Lester, the poor schlub who worked for you.
- Mr. Sheffield: Oh, come on darling, you never really worked.
- Niles: Ms. Babcock. [Offers her a drink]
- C. C.: Thank you, Niles, but, you know, I'm not supposed to [Gulps it down] do that.
- Niles: How many times have you not done that tonight?
- C.C.: About eight. Niles, now that Maxwell's taken, my life is over.
- Niles: Ms. Babcock, you always underestimate yourself. You have a lot to offer a man. You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy...
- C.C.: How many times have you done that tonight?
- Niles: About twelve.
- Mr. Sheffield: You blew into our lives five years ago like a whirlwind; made us all feel alive again. For that alone, I'll love you forever.
The Honeymoon's Overboard [6.1]
- Niles: [With a hangover] I had so much to drink at the reception. I had the strangest nightmare that Santa Claus was trying to have his way with me.
- [C.C. enters with a hangover dressed in red]
- C.C. & Niles: Oh my God.
- C. C.: We didn't, did we?
- Niles: I'm not sure. Say "Ho ho ho".
- C.C.: No one can ever know that this might possibly have happened.
- Niles: Well, it ain't going on my resume.
- Sylvia: I'm gonna call Morty and tell him to bring my nightgown. I'm sleeping over.
- Niles: Is that really necessary?
- Sylvia: Well, I could sleep in the nude. But there's the boy.
Fran Gets Shushed [6.2]
Once A Secretary, Always A Secretary [6.3]
- Fran: You just don't know how to work your father like I do.
- Brighton: No, I don't look as good in a halter top as you do.
- Maggie: Fran, I'm 20 years old. Doesn't Dad know that... you know... I'm active?
- Fran: You doing the bing bing? I love that you feel so comfortable that you want to be totally honest with me so let me be totally honest with you... Get upstairs!! What are you, crazy?! You're never leaving my house again!!
Sarah's Parents [6.4]
- Fran: How could they be contesting the adoption? On what grounds?
- Mr. Sheffield: They think you're an unfit mother.
- Fran: Unfit?! I'm in the best shape of my life. I know what this is all about. They don't like my people.
- Mr. Sheffield: No, sweetheart, they're not anti-Semitic. They're best friends with the Rothchilds.
- Fran: I meant my mother.
- Mr. Sheffield: You have absolutely nothing to confess. I know everything about you.
- Fran: Everything? Even my age?
- Mr. Sheffield: Actually, that was the one thing even the FBI couldn't verify. The closest they could get was 31.
- Fran: 31?.... [Happily] Well, I guess the truth is out.
Maggie's Boyfriend [6.5]
- Maggie: I am so nervous about my new boyfriend coming over for dinner tonight.
- Niles: Why? Because you have to prepare the chateaubriand, polish the silver and comb the fringe around the area rugs?
- Maggie: No, you do that.
- Niles: Then chill out, girlie.
- Maggie: Because of your support, Michael and I have decided to move in together.
- Fran: Honey, that's fantastic! Are you gonna be needing a nanny? Because I'm gonna be available.
I'm Pregnant [6.6]
- [Catching Maggie in bed with Michael]
- Mr. Sheffield: What the hell do you think you were doing?!
- Fran: Well, I think it's pretty—
- Mr. Sheffield: I know what they were doing! I wanna know why they were doing it!
- Fran: Well, I think—
- Mr. Sheffield: I know why they were doing it!
- Fran: [Reading a pregnancy test manual] It says: "If you're not pregnant, it'll turn pink. If you are pregnant, it will turn blue." As will we all. Oh, honey, this wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me.
- Maggie: Fran, you said I could do whatever I want in my own house.
- Fran: WHATever, not WHOever!
- Maggie: Fran, I'm so nervous.
- Fran: Sweetie, listen, whatever happens, don't worry. You won't have to go through this by yourself.
- Maggie: I'm so glad I have you.
- Fran: I love you. [Hugs] I don't want to put pressure on you or anything but if for some reason you are pregnant, life is gonna change forever. No husband, no house, no money... and it ain't gonna be a picnic for you either.
Mom's The Word [6.7]
- Brighton: Gracie, I'm in so much trouble. I lost Yetta at the movies.
- Grace: How could you lose a person?
- Brighton: I don't know. One second, she's talking to a cardboard cutout of Walter Matthau and the next second she was just gone!
- Grace: Did you ask the other cutouts?
- Brighton: This is serious! There is a woman loose out there who is asking where Chucky's Bride is registered.
- Niles: Do you want to have a baby or not?
- Mr. Sheffield: Well, after thinking about it... Yes, of course I want to have a baby with Fran because I love her.
- Niles: Well, I'd better overhear you telling her this soon, mister, because I'm not getting any younger!
Making Whoopi [6.8]
- Brighton: Niles, do you know what Mom and Dad have been up to?
- Niles: Um... They're trying to co-produce a new project.
- Grace: How? Dad's gonna let Fran handle his business?
- Niles: [After a long pause] Eat your eggs.
- Whoopi Goldberg: Excuse me, what are you doing?
- Fran: Oh, Miss Whoopi Goldberg! I'm so sorry, I just... I have to have sex right now!
- Whoopi Goldberg: Now, usually they ask for my autograph.
Oh, Say, Can You Ski? [6.9]
- Fran: This is my first Thanksgiving where I'm eating for two.
- Niles: You know, Sylvia, if you stop now, you can say the same.
The Hanukkah Story [6.10]
- Niles: I'd love to lose more weight but nothing seems to kill my appetite.
- Sylvia: Do what I did. I just looked at myself stark naked—
- Niles: Thank you. That'll kill it.
- Sylvia: Niles, take my coat! I'm going home!
- Fran: Another miracle!
The In-Law Who Came Forever [6.11]
- Fran: Niles, how am I ever going to tell Maxwell that my parents are staying here?
- Niles: Quickly and without the negligee.
- Fran: Maybe I shouldn't tell him at all. How long will it be before he notices?
- Niles: Not long. He'll see her here for breakfast. He'll see her here for lunch. He'll see her here for dinner.
- Fran: So I figure I've got at least 6 months?
- C. C.: I have to call the agency. None of these models they submitted are right for our poster.
- Niles: You know, sir, if you need an attractive photogenic man, on camera I can pass for—
- C.C.: Hume Cronyn?
- Mr. Sheffield: Niles, thank you for your offer but this poster really needs to sell our new show. Someone virile with huge masculinity...
- Niles: [Points to C.C.] Well, there's your man.
The Fran In The Mirror [6.12]
- Sylvia: This is so exciting! Grace is applying to the Eastside School for the Gifted. [To Grace] You know, you won't be the first member of the Fine family to attend. Your Aunt Celia spent three years there.
- Fran: Ma, she worked in the lunch room. And she got fired for giving free lunches to a lady who tried to pass herself off as an 8th-grader.
- Sylvia: Meanwhile, with my little pigtails and my little plaid skirt, I was adorable.
- Val: Fran, there has got to be a way to get that money back.
- Fran: How, Val? He already converted the million bucks into francs.
- Val: [Disappointed] Well, once you convert it into hot dogs, it's very hard to trace.
The Yummy Mummy [6.13]
- [About Fran's pregnancy]
- Dr. Reynolds: Hearing mommy's voice can be very soothing to the baby.
- Fran: Oh, did you hear that?
- Dr. Reynolds: That's enough! We don't want him to hang himself with the umbilical cord.
- Fran: You know, Miss Babcock, for your information, I just found out: I'm not stupid. I'm sexy.
- C. C.: Nanny Fine, don't sell yourself short. You're both.
- Fran: Well, I am smart enough to know I have just been insulted, and sexy enough not to care.
California, Here We Come [6.14]
- Maury: Turn it into a sitcom.
- Mr. Sheffield: Why?
- Maury: 'Cause I like funny.
- Mr. Sheffield: Mr. Sherry, my play is an allegory dealing with early man's struggle to survive.
- Maury: So was the Flintstones.
- Mr. Sheffield: You see, Maury, I am a man of the theater and there is such a thing as artistic integrity. And I can't sign this! I have an obligation to...
- Maury: You'd make more money in one season of a sitcom than a ten year run of Cats.
- Mr. Sheffield: Do you have a pen?
- Niles: When [Fran and Sylvia] talk at the same time, the intercom shorts out.
Ma'ternal Affairs [6.15]
- Yetta: Don't worry, Frannie. Your father's a very good man. Sylvia wouldn't throw that away for some fling.
- Mr. Sheffield: Exactly. Yetta's absolutely right. I'm sure this thing with your mother and her doctor won't last.
- Yetta: My daughter's dating a doctor?! WHOO-HOO!
- Grace: She's rehearsing us until two in the morning!
- C. C.: It's because you stink!
- Mr. Sheffield: C.C., what do you expect when you choose "Antony and Cleopatra" for a grammar school?
- C.C.: How hard is it to play a pushy broad who runs half-naked with too much makeup on? [To Grace] Have you learned nothing from your mother?
The Producers [6.16]
- Niles: What is the one thing that separates me from all the successful people in this world?
- Fran: Success?
- Fran: Are you telling me that all those years that you put dishwater in her coffee and changed her lip balm for glue stick and called her a cow, you were flirting?!!
- Niles: What, no good?
- Fran: Niles, why don't you just tell her how you feel?
- Niles: Oh, God, no! Not until I have a successful career, a substantial income, a home.
- Fran: Oh, God...
- Niles: What?
- Fran: She's never gonna know!
The Dummy Twins [6.17]
- [When Maxwell finds the plastic babies in bed with him and Fran]
- Fran: Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just that they're upset over Niles. They can sense these things.
- Mr. Sheffield: They're rubber and their butts are stamped "Made in Taiwan". What can they sense?
- Fran: That their daddy doesn't love them.
- C. C.: The best years of my life are gone. And they sucked.
Yetta's Letters [6.18]
- [After catching Niles and C.C. in bed]
- Mr. Sheffield: I just don't understand! What happened? Five hours ago, they were at each others throat.
- Fran: Apparently, they decided to move downward.
- Mr. Sheffield: Darling, I've been thinking. There's no way this contract between Yetta and Webber could possibly be valid. I mean, let's fact it, Yetta isn't exactly in her right mind.
- Fran: Sweetie, just because she thinks we're Robbie and Laura Petrie and she's our neighbor, Millie? She's just occasionally confused.
- Mr. Sheffield: Occasionally?
Maggie's Wedding [6.19]
- Brighton: What's all the noise about?
- Michael: I'm marrying your sister. But actually Fran said yes and your grandmother left with the ring on and no one's letting your father talk.
- Brighton: Welcome to the mishpokhe, bro.
- Dr. Hamilton: Mrs. Sheffield, seeing that you had some usually strong Braxton Hicks contractions—it's very common for women over thirty-five under stress—have you been stressed about anything recently?
- Fran: You mean besides the fact that you think I'm over thirty-five?
The Baby Shower [6.20]
- Mr. Sheffield: [About Fran and her pregnancy] Ever since she entered her third trimester, her mood swings have been lethal.
- Niles: Oh, I know. It's worse than when Sylvia gave up chocolate. That was the most unbearable hour of my life.
- C. C.: Nanny Fine, I can understand how you cannot trust me with Maxwell. After all, there were years of unrequited love and unfulfilled fantasies and shameless come-ons... but eventually he came to see he didn't have a chance with me.
- Fran: So I'm guessing there's only food left in the mini-bar.
- Fran: I really hope this [exercise] tape brings on my labor though I really can't blame them from wanting to stay in there. I mean, all they do is lie around all day. It's 98 degrees, all you can eat... It's Miami in there.
- Maggie: So, Sylvia, what did you and Morty do on your first anniversary?
- Sylvia: We went to Puerto Rico.
- Maggie: What about you, Yetta?
- Yetta: We fled Poland.