The Nutty Professor (1996 film)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

The Nutty Professor is about grossly overweight Prof. Sherman Klump, desperate to lose weight takes a special chemical that turns him into the slim but obnoxious Buddy Love.

Inside Sherman Klump, a party animal is about to break out.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love[edit]

  • I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?
  • Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator.
  • If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
  • The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept myself for who I am.
  • I'm thin!
  • Why, thank you very much, I'm fatter-I'm flattered!

Others[edit]

  • Grandma Klump: I hope your ass turn into a frog.
  • Mother Klump: Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
  • Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)

Dialogues[edit]

Buddy Love: You fat ass!
Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump: Featherweight!

Sherman: [Sadly] Thank you for the dinner mama.
Mama Klump: [Concerned] Sherman what's wrong with you? Are you still worried about what your father said at dinner? [Understanding] Ohhh...Son, listen to me you are special. When the Good Lord made you...He made you beautiful inside and out. You can do anything Sherman...all you have to do is believe in yourself and you can do anything.

Buddy Love:[While standing at the top of the school tower] I'm thin! I'm THINNNNNNN

Buddy Love:[arriving to "The Scream" for his date.] You are too fine to be giving me curbside service!
Carla Purdy: [angrily] I'm not, I'm leaving.
Buddy Love: What are you talking about leaving? We just got here!
Carla Purdy: No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour!
Buddy Love: Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean.
Carla Purdy: Anticipate the night alone.
Buddy Love: Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry!
Carla Purdy: [embarrassed] Buddy, get up.
Buddy Love: No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this happened tonight! Of all nights, this has to happen to me tonight! WHYYYY?!
Carla Purdy: Okay.
Buddy Love: WHYYYYYY?!
Carla Purdy: Okay!
Buddy Love: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Carla Purdy: Okay, okay, okay!!!
Buddy Love: [instantly changes mood] Okay good, let's eat! I am SO hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you, I'm a tooth chipper.

Carla Purty: (looking at Buddy's plates) Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of Creamed Spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin.
Buddy Love: Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant rybino-clearic acids unleashed by radioactive quinon hyptides!
Carla Purty:...And what does that mean?
Buddy Love: I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?

Dean Richmond: Our records say you are happily married with one lovely daughter
Harlan Hartley: I am divorced and my daughter is in rehab
Dean Richmond: So our information is NOT correct?

Buddy Love: Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?
[Carla slaps him]
Buddy Love: I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem?
Carla Purty: [points to three women] THEY'RE my problem! You can handle all three of them, huh?!
Buddy Love: Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.[winks at her]
Carla Purty: Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak!
Buddy Love: Hey Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!

Buddy Love: Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration...look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400 pound fat man disappear FOREVER!
Jason: NOOO!!! Wait! I cannot let you do this anymore! This has got to stop! This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
Papa Klump: Oh, that's it! Glad I brought my knife!
Mama Klump: Yeah, I brought my razor.
Jason: Hand over the vial now.
Buddy Love: Oh, sure thing, hamster boy! But first, a short musical interlude! [punches Jason]
Carla Purty: BUDDY! What has gotten into you, and where's Sherman?!
Buddy Love: Sherman is gone! Disappeared! And that ain't a bad trick for an ass as big as his! Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
Jason: I hate being called "Hamster boy." [punches Buddy]

Mama Klump: Although, Sherman, I do think I remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Cletus Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine!
[Farts loudly. Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically]
Cletus Klump: See that? Got it clean. Squeaky clean.
Mama Klump: Cletus, every time we're having a meal, you always gotta go off breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal!
Cletus Klump: Don't tell ME to stop! You're the one who brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breaking gas! I was talking about getting my colon clean!
Cletus Klump: Don't you talk about stickin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about stickin' no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus-
Cletus Klump: What do you think a colonic is? You think yo gonna run yo asshole by the carwash?

  • Reggie Warrington: Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found what had hit Jimmy Hoffer! Boy, you got more crack than Harlem!
  • Sherman Klump: (pretending to laugh) Okay! Okay, now! Alright!
  • Reggie Warrington:Boy's so fat, that everytime I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!
  • Sherman Klump: Okay, alright! Alright, now, you got me!
  • Reggie Warrington: Oh, I aint got you yet! Should I get him? (crowd cheers)
  • Reggie Warrington: SHOULD I GET HIM?! (crowd cheers again)
  • Reggie Warrington: Oh, look at this, he' with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking who's titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to sea world, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!

  • Buddy Love: Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • Reggie Warrington: Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.
  • Buddy Love: Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass. That's a big ass!
  • Reggie Warrington: ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this shit no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatasize" your ass!
  • Buddy Love: Whooooo!
(Reggie takes off hat, revealing his ridiculous-looking hair, and Buddy and the audience start laughing)
  • Buddy Love: Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks?!" That's not your hair! Take that pile of shit off your head, man! You've going too far with the comedy!
  • Reggie Warrington: (Karate yells) Come on! Come on! This is called "kick your ass style!" Reggie studied it on the street!
(Reggie tries to kick Buddy, but Buddy grabs his foot, and flips him around. Reggie gets back up, tries to punch him, but Buddy grabs his arm, twists it, and bangs his head on the edge of the piano. He and Buddy sit at the piano.)
  • Buddy Love: Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna sing one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! (to Carla Purdy) Loving you, is easy come, you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?
(Buddy cracks Reggie's hand, and Reggie howls in pain)
  • Buddy Love: That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!
(Buddy throws Reggie into the piano)

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]