The Orville

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The Orville is a science fiction comedy-drama television series created by and starring Seth MacFarlane for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series relates the adventures of Captain Ed Mercer, his first officer (and ex-wife) Kelly Grayson, and the crew of the Orville as they embark on various diplomatic and exploratory missions.

Season 1[edit]

Old Wounds [1.01][edit]

[Mercer and Gordon see the Orville for the first time from the window of their shuttle.]
Ed Mercer: It's not bad, right?
Gordon Malloy: No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.

Mercer: All right, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it?
Bortus: That is correct, sir.
Mercer: So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?
Bortus: [deadpan tone] No. Moclans urinate only once per year.
Mercer: Really? That's... Me, I'm-I'm up two, three times a night.
Bortus: [deadpan] That is unfortunate.
Mercer: [chagrined] It is.

John LaMarr: Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
Gordon: [in good humor] Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
LaMarr: Something like that.
Gordon: [facetiously] Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
LaMarr: [also facetious] Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

[The Orville officers witness a demonstration of a quantum-time accelerator, which rapidly ages a banana.]
Mercer: [unimpressed] So, it's an anti-banana ray.
Kelly Grayson: [also unimpressed] It's really interesting.
Mercer: We need no longer fear the banana.
Kelly: Does it work on all fruit?
Mercer: What about salads?

Mercer: Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? (a line which will be a running gag throughout Season one)
[Using her superhuman strength, security chief Alara Kitan knocks down the huge door and parts of the surrounding wall.]
Mercer: I loosened it for you.

Command Performance [1.02][edit]

Bortus: [noticing the stuffed animal on Mercer's desk] What is that?
Mercer: That is, uh, Kermit the Frog.
Bortus: I do not recognize the species.
Mercer: It's an amphibious life-form from Earth.
Bortus: Is it someone you know?
Mercer: No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... so what can I do for you?

Alara Kitan: Eggs?
Mercer: That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs, which I never knew.
John LaMarr: Well, where does it come out of? The butt?
Mercer: You know, John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.
LaMarr: [to Gordon] How's that not the first thing you ask?

Isaac: There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.
Calivon zoo administrator: If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one.
Isaac: She is not for sale. She is... my pet.
Alara: [snidely] Woof.

[Mercer and Kelly are about to be killed by criss-crossing lasers closing in on them.]
Mercer: Oh, God. No, no, no. Uh, uh... I'm going to the bathroom to read!
[The lasers abruptly stop.]
Kelly: What the hell was that?
Mercer: It was... Elvis Presley's last words. It was all I could think of.

Calivon worker #1: The Batchelor. Duck Dynasty. Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Calivon worker #2: There must be ten thousand files here. What is this reality television?
Calivon zoo administrator: The best exhibit we've ever had.

About a Girl [1.03][edit]

Isaac: Captain, I do not understand the reason for this conflict. Would the gender alteration procedure harm the infant or endanger her life?
Kelly: There are different kinds of harm, Isaac. Psychological harm, for one. I'd have been pretty pissed off if my parents had made the unilateral decision to make me a guy.
Mercer: And while it might have saved me an entire marriage if they had, it still would have been wrong.
Kelly: [snippy] Oh, thanks.

[Having just watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Bortus has become very taken and inspired by it.]
Bortus: Of course. Without Rudolph's nose, Santa would not have been able to complete his voyage.
LaMarr: Looks like Santa got pretty lucky, huh?
Bortus: Christmas would have been ruined had Rudolph had been euthanized at birth, as his father wished.
Gordon: Yeah, I don't... I don't know if that was ever on the table.
Bortus: What was clearly a deformity became a supreme advantage. One can never know.

Bortus: "Between soul and sacrifice beats the heart of civilization."
Kelly: What's that from?
Bortus: It is from a novel by Gondus Elden, a Moclan writer of great esteem. It is customary to respond with a fitting passage from the literature of one's own planet.
Kelly: ... "I'm a survivor. I'm not gon' give up. I'm not gon' stop. I'm-a work harder."
Bortus: Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?
Mercer: I think it was actually about fifteen different people.
Bortus: They must be very wise, these fifteen people.

Kelly: Lieutenant Malloy, I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge.
Gordon: Go for it.
Kelly: [low] These are gonna be kind of hard for you. Sorry.
Gordon: [low] It's okay, Commander. It's for the baby.
Kelly: Let's start off with some Earth history. A few hundred years ago, the continents of Earth were divided into separate nation states with individual sovereign governments. What was the capital of the United States of America?
Gordon: Um... pass.
Kelly: No, it's-it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess.
Gordon: What was the capital of the United States of America? Nabisco?
Kelly: No.
Gordon: The moon?
Kelly: Let's move on. What are the four chambers of the human heart?
Gordon: The chamber of secrets, the chamber of horrors, the chamber of....
Kelly: No, no, let me get you halfway. There's the left and the right ventricle ant the left and the right...
Gordon: ... I would like to switch to movie trivia.
Kelly: Let's try one more. In the year 2056, which genetic engineer discovered how to target and eradicate individual cancer cells?
Gordon: Doctor... Bill Nye the Cancer Guy?
Kelly: [to the tribunal] Well, my point is made. While this male may be the fleet's best pilot, he's also an idiot. (low, to Gordon) Sorry, Gordon.
Gordon: Totally okay.

Heveena: "The blackest abyss is a pock in the flesh when one has gazed in solitude upon the Infinity of self."
Kagus: You dare to use the words of Gondus Elden to serve your own purposes?! If he were here, he would spit on you for that!
Heveena: Would he? [approaches Kagus] Why don't you ask him?
[Murmurs come from the tribunal's audience.]
Kagus: [stunned] No...
Bortus: I do not believe it.
Kelly: Well, look at that. Your planet's greatest writer... is a female.
Heveena: There are many ways to contribute to society, Advocate. This was mine.

If the Stars Should Appear [1.04][edit]

Gordon: [sighs] Star-mapping has got to be the most boring damn job there is. I'd rather have brunch with my parents.
LaMarr: Uh, I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their parents.
Gordon: I'd rather have brunch with my parents and their really good friends who they haven't seen in a while, who just got back from a vacation in Florida and took lots of pictures while visiting their daughter, who just had a brand new baby.
LaMarr: That just made me want to kill myself.

[Kelly is being brutally interrogated by the worldship's theocratic dictator, Hamelac, and his Enforcers.]
Hamelac: One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?
Kelly: I already told you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Our vessel encountered yours drifting in space, and we're trying to help you before you fall into that star and get your nuts burned off.
Hamelac: And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place. Again. Where are your friends?
Kelly: Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.
[An Enforcer punches Kelly hard across the face.]
Hamelac: Where... are... your... friends?
Kelly: [softly] Okay. I'll tell you. [speaking up] There's a little coffee shop on Lafayette Street in Soho called "Central Perk." My friends are there. Just please... don't hurt the monkey.

Hamelac: Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see. Yes, it's possible!
Dr. Claire Finn: Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you? We can try to repair your ship.
Hamelac: To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.
Mercer: No, you mean you're not ready to give up control over these people.

Claire: "If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the City of God."
Mercer: Is that Shakespeare?
Claire: Emerson.
Mercer: William Byron Emerson, yes, yes.
Claire: Ralph Waldo.
Mercer: Ralph Waldo. Lord Ralph Waldo Keats... David Thoreau, yes.

Kemka: Thank you. For everything.
Kelly: Don't thank us. We just gave you back what was already yours.
Kemka: Yes. Our future.

Pria [1.05][edit]

Isaac: [trying to understand humor] But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?
Mercer: I mean, it's case by case. Like, if a guy on a bike tries to do a trick, and he smashes his balls, that's funny.
Bortus: I would agree.

Gordon: Captain, respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.
LaMarr: I could do it.
Isaac: The star's gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes, 23 seconds.
LaMarr: [to Gordon] You could do it.

Kelly: How many times have you done this (forcibly taken ships and people into the future)?
Pria: When we get to my century, I'll introduce you to Amelia Earhart.

Mercer: Well, it's good to know teleportation is in our future.
Pria: You can take a breath in New York and exhale it in Paris.

Mercer: You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me. And despite all of your claims that you still care about me, not once have you even said, "I'm sorry."
Pria: It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.
Mercer: Fair enough.

Krill [1.06][edit]

Alara: Apparently, having a girlfriend with ten times your physical strength makes a guy feel emasculated.
LaMarr: Wow, you're just gonna have to date Isaac here.
Isaac: I am fascinated by the interpersonal behavior of biological organisms. I would be happy to attempt sexual relations with you, Lieutenant.
[Everyone at the table falls into an embarrassed silence.]
Alara: [strained] ... I'm actually just sort of working on myself right now. Um... (clears her throat), but thanks.

Captain Haros: This chapel is a recreation of the one in which I worshiped as a child.
Mercer/"Chris": Well, I guess it's true what they say: "Rank has its privileges."
Haros: I have never heard that aphorism. Who says it?
Mercer/"Chris": Oh. I... I guess it's me who says it.
Haros: it is a wise observation.

[at an evening meal]
Teleya: Thank you, Avis, for this our sustenance, that it may provide strength and perseverance. [to the disguised Mercer and Ed] Would you like to say a blessing?
Ed/"Devon": [bowing his head] Um... Avis. We try harder.

[during a classroom Q & A]
Krill child: Why doesn't the union believe in Avis?
Ed/"Devon": Well, they worship their own god called Hertz.
Coja: Do humans have souls?
Teleya: Of course not, Coja.
Coja: Then how can they talk? Or make spaceships?
Teleya: A computer can talk. That does not mean it has a soul. Remember the Anhkana (the Krill "Bible"). "Judge not a stranger by his sheath, but by his sword."

Mercer: [defending his killing of the Krill crew] Our mission was in the interest of peace. But your crew was going to murder a hundred thousand people. What the hell else could I have done?
Teleya: Why did you save the children?
Mercer: They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.
Teleya: After what they saw you do today,... they will be. They will be.

Majority Rule [1.07][edit]

[Mercer sees the landing party dressed for an undercover mission in 21st century-style clothes.]
Mercer: My God, you guys look like unemployed backup dancers.
Kelly: You want to lead this landing party?
Mercer: No, I'm too shy to wear a crop top.

Mercer: So (your world) is an absolute democracy?
Lysella: Yeah. How does your world work?
Mercer: We select representatives who discuss issues and enact laws.
Lysella: But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.
Bortus: A voice should be earned, not given away.
Mercer: How do you know what foods are healthiest for your children, or what medicine to take if you're sick?
Lysella: We vote.
Isaac: I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.
Alara: I think what he's asking is, with so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?
Lysella: Well, my dad always says, "The majority are the truth." I mean, you always know what the majority wants. That's what matters.
Mercer: Well, you always know what the mob wants, too. And right now, the mob wants to lobotomize my navigator.

[Isaac is flooding the planet's master opinion poll with false, albeit favorable, information about LaMarr to influence the Final Vote in his favor.]
Claire: What if people try to corroborate all this information?
Lysella: Don't worry. They won't.

LaMarr: [having narrowly escaped the planetary punishment] Real quick, I just want to say, all y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

Mercer: Lysella, thank you.
Lysella: No. Thank you for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.
Claire: Well, all you need to tell them is that their world can do better.

Into the Fold [1.08][edit]

Isaac: Dr. Finn. I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
Claire: Crap.

Isaac: Your commands have little to no effect on (your children's) behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them. [gets hit on the back of the head by a flying portable video game]
Claire: Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.
Isaac: [slightly surprised] You harbor prejudice against artificial life-forms.
Claire: Only against life-forms that think they're better than everyone else.
Isaac: I am better than everyone else.
Claire: Oh, and so modest.
Isaac: It was not intended as a boast. Merely a statement of fact. My only directive is to study human behavior in the interest of relations between Kaylon and the Union.
Claire: You want to improve relations? Don't tell a mother how to raise her kids.

[Barry Manilow's "Somewhere Down the Road" plays in the engineering room while the crew does systems upgrades.]
LaMarr: Hey, uh, Steve? You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
Chief Engineer Newton: You got to get cultured, my friend. Barry Manilow was an underappreciated genius of his time.
LaMarr: Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
Yaphit: I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.
[Mercer enters and hears the song.]
Mercer: [sighing] Oh, God, Manilow was a genius.

Marcus: Mom... I'm... I'm sorry that I didn't want to go on the trip. And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.
Claire: Marcus. Listen to me. People say things they don't mean when they're angry. You know how sometimes I yell at you and your brother if you something wrong? Well, you know I still love you with all my heart, right?
Marcus: Uh-huh.
Claire: And I know you love me right back. So it's all okay. You understand?
Marcus: Yeah.
Claire: I know you love your brother, too. So, right now, I want you to help Isaac take care of him. Do you understand?
Marcus: Yes, ma'am.
Claire: Good. I love you.
Marcus: I love you, too.

Isaac: May I make a final observation? Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
Claire: Welcome to the family.

Cupid's Dagger [1.09][edit]

Mercer: Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes 'I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.' My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me permission to be in pain.

[Mercer has just caught Kelly in bed with Darulio again.]
Kelly: Ed. Hang on, I can explain.
Mercer: I don't need it explained. You're a sexual jihadist!

Claire: [regarding a picture of Yaphit with another member of his species] And what is this? Is this you and your mom?
Yaphit: Kind of. My species reproduces by mitosis. That used to be my mom, but now it's me and my brother. He got the looks, obviously.

Gordon: You seem like you're really into him (Darulio).
Mercer: [under the influece of Darulio's pheromones] Not into him. [sprays himself with cologne]
Gordon: Okay.
Mercer: But, it's like, what if I was? You know, what if I was? Why couldn't I be?
Gordon: Hey, you can be whatever you want, man. I just want you to be happy. I just didn't know you were...
Mercer: I'm not into him, okay? But it's like, why do we have to be so rigid? You know, why do we have to have all these rules and labels and things? It's like, why-why do we have to put people in boxes? You know? Why-why even call a box a box?
Gordon: I think it's just easier to have words.
Mercer: Easier for who? Not the box. Maybe the box wants to do its own thing. You ever think of that?

Kelly: A year ago, when we met... Were you in heat then?
Darulio: ... Maybe.

Firestorm [1.10][edit]

Newton: [delivering Lt. Harrison Payne's eulogy] Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the Heimlich maneuver after I accidentally swallowed a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was "Payne", because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case any one was planning to get mad at me. Anyway... Rest in peace, Harrison. You were the best.

Gordon: It's a little short for a condolence letter.
Mercer: I know, I suck at these things. I don't want to make it sound too generic, but I hardly knew the man, so I-I just got nothing to go on.
Gordon: Yeah, but look how you open it: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy." I mean, that's.. that's terrible.
Mercer: I'm not a writer, okay?

Gordon: Wait, what if we all died in that plasma storm, and this is actually some kind of Purgatory.
LaMarr: How would we know we were in Purgatory? What's Purgatory even like?
Kelly: You ever been married?
LaMarr: No.
Mercer: It's like that.

Kelly: This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass.
Isaac: Then please try to enunciate.

Alara: So, who's afraid of clowns?
LaMarr: That's me.
Alara: You really are afraid of clowns?
LaMarr: [getting nervous] Yes. Please stop saying the "C" word.
Alara: And the abyss?
Claire: Heights. My phobia.
Alara: What about the sickbay mess?
Gordon: That's me. Scared to death of surgery. I had a skin tag removed once, total panic attack.
Mercer: The spiders came from me. I'm a bit of an arachnophobe.
Isaac: Commander Grayson cited a fear of isolation, with which I conceived the empty ship.
Alara: That just leaves crazy psycho Isaac.
Kelly: You can thank Bortus for that one.
Alara: [regards Bortus, realizes] Fear of being conquered by a superior enemy.
Bortus: I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?
Mercer: Uh, sure. [Bortus leaves the room]

New Dimensions [1.11][edit]

Kelly: Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.
LaMarr: Well, with all due respect, Commander, that's my business.
Kelly: Lieutenant, have you ever studied the history of money?
LaMarr: Not really. I know people used to use it to buy houses and sandwiches and stuff.
Kelly: Exactly. It became obsolete with the invention of matter synthesis. The predominant currency became reputation.
LaMarr: Yeah, so?
Kelly: My point is, human ambition didn't vanish. The only thing that changed was how we quantify wealth. People still want to be rich, only now rich means being the best at what you do.
LaMarr: Not everybody wants that. Some people like to keep it simple. Some people want to go to work, go home, drink a beer and pass out.
Kelly: Are you one of those people?
LaMarr: I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.

Captain Blavaroch: Grahj-kalooga.
Mercer: Anybody speak Horbalak?
Isaac: The direct translation is, "You can shove it up your--"
Mercer: Okay, got it, got it.
Isaac: Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
Mercer: No, no, I-I get the gist.

LaMarr: I think we could create a stable quantum bubble inside the shuttle, and preserve three-dimensional space.
Claire: So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
Mercer: More space inside than out, just like Doctor Who's phone booth.
Kelly: Or Oscar the Grouch's can.
LaMarr: Or Snoopy's doghouse, yeah.
Claire: The miracles of quantum physics.

LaMarr: [to the engineering crew] Now you listen to me, and you listen good. Yaphit's a member of our team, and you're gonna treat him that way. He had an idea and I thought it was a good one. I made the decision to go with it. So if you want to blame somebody, you blame me. It's my fault. And now maybe people will believe me when I say I am not a commander! Now get back to work.

Mercer: Excuse my bluntness, but... why do you hide your brains?
LaMarr: The colony where I'm from was brand-new, lot of farmers, lot of builders. They didn't trust anyone who was too much of an egghead. You'd be surprised how fast you can alienate people when you're always right. I wanted to be liked, accepted. Just became habit, I guess.

Mad Idolatry [1.12][edit]

Isaac: Commander, I remind you to use caution. Any contact with a culture that primitive (Bronze Age-level) --
Kelly: [a bit snappish] Yeah, I know. Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
Isaac: [somewhat put out] I am merely attempting to be helpful, Commander. There is no need to be -- what does Captain Mercer call it -- "pissy".

[Mercer hasn't included Kelly's contact with a planetary local in his report to the Admiral.]
Kelly: Why didn't you tell her?
Mercer: You helped out a kid, that's all. And cultural contamination of a society that undeveloped is a serious charge. I just don't want to have to come visit you in prison.
Kelly: Really? You wouldn't want to visit a woman's prison?
Mercer: You're right, I'll call her back.

[The 'Kelly' blessing]
Kelly: Um... I hope your kid grows up and, uh... does a lot of good stuff. And... um...
Gordon: [aside] And doesn't get any girls pregnant.
Kelly: And doesn't get any girls pregnant! Stay in school.
Gordon: Amen.

Kelly: Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
Valondis: But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
Alara: Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

Female planetary representative: Our society has become a space-faring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy. In our home universe, that is. But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains.
Male planetary representative: [to Kelly] Our planet worshiped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
Female planetary representative: So you see, Commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. You must have faith in reason, in discovery, and in the endurance of the logical mind.

Season 2[edit]

Ja'loja [2.01][edit]

Mercer: [having drinks with Alara at the mess hall bar] You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship.
Alara: How so?
Mercer: Well, we both know we're good at our jobs, and yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.

[Mercer is briefing the senior officers about Bortus' ja'loja, a Moclan's annual urination ceremony.]
Mercer: Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing.
[later]
Mercer: [innocently] Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
[Gordon snickers and Mercer, realizing what he's just said, hangs his head, embarrassed.]
Gordon: [to Bortus] No, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
Mercer: [immediately] Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done.

Isaac: [regarding Ty's piano playing] Very, good, Ty. You have been practicing.
Ty: Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour every day. How long did it take you to learn piano?
Isaac: Approximately one-millionth of a nanosecond.
Ty: Wow.

Mercer: [giving Cassius advice on dating Kelly] Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and really stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.

Bortus: [commencing his Ja'loja ceremony] In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin... the Release.

Primal Urges [2.02][edit]

LaMarr: Man, ten planets gobbled up by a hungry star. Remind me not to be on Earth when that happens to us.
Isaac: Earth's sun will not become a red supergiant for another five billion years, Commander. You will be long deceased and forgotten.
LaMarr: [laughs] There's gonna be some ladies still talking about me.

Topa: [picking at his food] Papa, can I be all done now?
Bortus: No, Topa. Finish your plokta. Remember: if you do not eat, you will die.

Kelly: Why the hell is dealing with Moclan culture always this difficult?
Mercer: They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday, light the parents on fire?

Isaac: Surely, there is a more civilized means of selecting those who will be evacuated.
Bortus: I do not know, but it is their way.
Isaac: A random drawing of names is quite inefficient. It would be wiser to select the members of the society who possess the highest degree of intelligence.
Bortus: I may be a 'primitive organism', but I am happy I am not like you.

Bortus: I have been a bad mate. I have been disrespectful. Instead of speaking my mind aloud, I have retreated into a fantasy world.
Klyden: Dr. Finn says, if you talk about it, you get rid of it.
Bortus: Klyden. I do not know that I will ever be fully at peace with what happened to Topa. But today, I witnessed events that... l am very fortunate to have you and Topa in my life. And I do not wish to lose you again.
Klyden: I do not wish to lose you, either.

Home [2.03][edit]

[The crew insist on yet another arm wrestling match between Alara and Isaac, on which they wager.]
Isaac: I still fail to comprehend the purpose of this ritual.
Alara: We're circus animals, Isaac. I hate to break it to you.

Gordon: [marveling at the Xelayan city and landscape] God, I just can't... I mean, look at that.
Mercer: Nothing like it.
Gordon: You know, it's places like this that make me realize... God, I'm trash. My family is trash.

Alara: Those people (the Orville crew) inspired me more in a year than anyone on Xelayah did my entire life.
Ildis Kitan: Now that is the gravity sickness talking.
Alara: No, Dad, that's me talking! Open your stupid ears and listen. All I ever needed to hear from you was, "You can do it." That's all. Just once. And-and maybe that would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it. And you know who said it to me instead. Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson and everyone on the Orville. But not my own father.

Mercer: Anything new in Engineering?
Kelly: Nothing departmental, but Yaphit's six-month evaluation was last week, and he asked what our parental leave is.
Mercer: Why? Is he thinking of splitting in half?
Kelly: We can't legally ask him that.

Ildis: [badly shaken] Alara, you... We would all have been...
Alara: You don't have to say it, Dad. It's my job. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years.
Ildis: They would have killed us. All of us.
Alara: Probably
Ildis: [getting emotional] I don't know you. I never even tried to know you.
Alara: I wanted you to know me, Dad. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.
Ildis: I am so proud. So very proud that you are my daughter. [on the verge of tears] And I'm so sorry that you got me for a father.
[Ildis begins crying. Alara takes his uninjured hand to comfort him.]

Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes [2.04][edit]

Mercer: You know, you got to pick a movie some night. I feel like I'm always the one doing it.
Janel: Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
Mercer: Taxi Driver.
Janel: Yeah, what was that called?
Mercer: Yeah, it was... it was called Taxi Driver.
Janel: Oh, right. Yeah. [laughs] I liked that one.

Teleya: If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice.
Mercer: Please. Love to hear it.
Teleya: You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance.
Mercer: My God, you sound like my ex-wife.
Teleya: You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow.
Mercer: Yeah, well, at least I know who Billy Joel is.

Gordon: Okay. I can see I'm an open book, whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling... bored with myself. Like, is this all I am -- a guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself, what if that means... I'm not enough for other people?
Kelly: I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this (command training) for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense?
[Gordon nods.]
Kelly: And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors.
Gordon: Thanks, Commander.

Mercer: Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe, or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now, from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world.
Teleya: You know nothing of our history.
Mercer: I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth.

Teleya: If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
Mercer: Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

All the World Is Birthday Cake [2.05][edit]

Satellite technician: Alignment complete. Transmitters at full power. Now all we need is something to say.
Prefect: Let's keep it simple. "Is anyone out there?"

Mercer: [having his initial interview with new security chief Talla Keyali] So, I know what I read in the initial report, but I wanted to hear your version. It says you punched your last captain in the face?
Talla Keyali: I did, sir.
Mercer: Knocked him out.
Talla: Out cold, yeah.

[Bortus has declined having a joint birthday party with Kelly's.]
Kelly: Why not?
Bortus: I prefer my birthday to be my day.
Gordon: He's afraid he's gonna get less stuff.
Bortus: I am not afraid.
Gordon: And he's right. Joint birthday, less stuff for everybody. It's a trap, Bortus.

[Mercer and Talla are trying to negotiate with the Prefect, a firm believer in astrology, for the release of Kelly and Bortus.]
Prefect: Why are you defending them? You live among the stars. You should understand their significance better than anyone.
Talla: We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

Talla: Captain, I have what might be an uncomfortable question. What's gonna happen when the Regorians figure out the star is fake?
Mercer: That's actually a really good question. We just lied to an entire planet, and I don't know what the ethics of that mean. But that lie meant freedom for an entire portion of the population, so... the short answer is I don't know.
Kelly: By the time their technology advances to the point where they know the jig is up, they may not even care anymore.

A Happy Refrain [2.06][edit]

[Mercer speaking to Gordon privately regarding Bortus' mustache]
Mercer: Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about selectivity with what you say to Bortus?
Gordon: Yeah.
[Mercer gives Gordon a look.]
Gordon: [realizing] Oh. This would've been --
Mercer: This would've been one of those things, yeah.

Gordon: I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know?
LaMarr: You understand this isn't a Porsche, right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
Gordon: Yeah, I know that. I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.
LaMarr: Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree?

[The bridge crew is asking Isaac about his date with Claire.]
Talla: Did you have fun? Were there sparks?
Isaac: Sparks?
Talla: Yeah.
Isaac: Negative. There was no equipment malfunction.
Mercer: Well, you don't have to brag about it.

Mercer: There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
Isaac: Please elaborate.
Mercer: You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.
Isaac: Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear.
Mercer: Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding.
Isaac: I have no experience in such matters.
Mercer: Yeah, well, there's no rule book for this one. You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done.
Isaac: What is that?
Mercer: Be creative.

Gordon: We are, without a doubt, the weirdest ship in the fleet.

Deflectors [2.07][edit]

Gordon: When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
Bortus: No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
Gordon: Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.
Mercer: Do you still have the tooth?
Bortus: No. It is given to the next mate.
Gordon: Let me guess. He eats it.
Bortus: That is correct.
Gordon: Yes! Man, I'm gettin' so good at this.

Gordon: You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the Orville is Isaac's.
LaMarr: Yeah, man, what's your secret?
Isaac: Dr. Finn has cautioned me against speaking too openly about our coupling.
Talla: Did something happen?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. He was going around the ship asking everybody what sexual positions are most pleasurable to biological lifeforms.
Isaac: I was merely attempting to provide Dr. Finn with the most dutifully calibrated coital experience.
Gordon: Yeah, no, that's what women want: dutiful coitus.
LaMarr: Hey. I'm trying to eat here.

Talla: The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

Talla: I mean, this has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship.
LaMarr: Well, one time, I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
Gordon: Isaac once cut my leg off.
LaMarr: And the captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
Gordon: And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
Talla: I see.

Klyden: If you had not done your job, I would have gone to prison. I owe you a debt.
Talla: You want to repay me, here's how. When you see me in the corridor, walk the other way.
Klyden: I do not understand.
Talla: Locar didn't hurt you. He didn't hurt anyone. All he wanted was love. And yet, because of you, his life is over, for no reason except your own prejudice. [getting emotional] So as far as I'm concerned, you can go straight to Hell.

Identity, part 1 [2.08][edit]

[Mercer is asking permission to take a disabled Isaac back to his home world.]
Mercer: Look, sir, Isaac is a member of my crew. We all care about him. And right now, the only people who can help him are on Kaylon.
Admiral Halsey: And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the Orville?
Mercer: Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo.
Admiral Halsey: [realizing] I understand.

Claire: [softly, to an inert, deactivated Isaac] I love you. Please, don't go.

Isaac: [to Ty and Marcus] Remember to consume your daily required nutrients and obey your mother's commands. I fully expect that you will both mature into competent and productive adults.

Kaylon #1: You oscillate between periods of enlightenment and tyranny. Can you prove this cycle has been broken?
Mercer: Well, the Union itself is all the proof you need. We are over three hundred planetary governments working together to ensure that no single world imposes its will upon another. We treat each other as equals.
Kaylon #2: And was the Kaylon emissary treated as an equal aboard your ship?
Mercer: Isaac? Of course.
Kaylon #2: Then perhaps you can explain the abuse inflicted by your crew.
Kelly: Abuse?
Kaylon #2: According to his reports, Isaac was repeatedly demeaned and degraded. In one case, his cranial shell was disfigured by prosthetic appendages.
Kaylon #1: "Mr. Potato Head".
Mercer: He... told you about that, huh?

[Isaac is encouraged to give a speech at his farewell party.]
Isaac: I do not know any speeches.
Mercer: [good-naturedly] You're a walking database. Search your files.
[Isaac consults his files and walks up in front of the crew.]
Isaac: I want to say "Thank You" to you all. I wanted more than anything to have your respect. And I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me.

Identity, part 2 [2.09][edit]

Gordon: [arriving late to a strategy session in the cargo bay] Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
Kelly: The what?
Gordon: Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner. Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

Kaylon Primary: You will now terminate the human (Ty). If you do not comply, you will be deactivated.
Isaac: Very well.
[Isaac approaches, then 'kills' Primary by tearing his head from his body. Isaac then shoots the Kaylon guards.]
Isaac: Deactivation complete.

[A Krill fleet has arrived and successfully engaged the Kaylon ships.]
Kelly: [on the viewscreen] Captain Mercer, meet Captain Dalak.
Mercer: It's good to meet you, Captain. We owe you one.
Dalak: Try to stay out of our way.

Mercer: Captain, it seems we have a common enemy. I hope that means we can work toward finding a common ground.
Dalak: Avis united our paths for a reason. But only He truly knows why. We shall see where that path leads.

Isaac: My actions have eliminated the possibility of returning to my planet. And the actions of the Kaylon have eliminated my wish to do so. I have no home.
Claire: Lots of people say that home is wherever you make it.
Isaac: A human cliche.
Claire: Cliches become cliched precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition.
[Claire goes to stand beside Isaac.]
Claire: I understand you're alone in the universe. And, for a time, that's something you'll have to live with. There's an old human custom called 'forgiveness'. It, too, takes time. But it must have a beginning. [regards Isaac] Good night, Isaac. [leaves]

Blood of Patriots [2.10][edit]

Orrin: Losing (my wife) was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You know what scared me the most? It was the knowledge that someday, years down the line, there would come a time when her absence would feel like the norm, when I would resign myself to her loss, and my life -- the life that I accepted as real-- would be the one without her in it. And now that is my reality.

Mercer: Look, Gordon, I'm just trying to do the right thing.
Gordon: The right thing is to protect him (Orrin). He's a Union officer. Do your job.
Mercer: [in all seriousness] I'll let you know when I figure out what that is.

[Leyna is holding a knife to Talla's throat.]
Talla: You ever met a Xelayan before?
Leyna: [scoffs] No.
[Talla uses her superhuman strength to throw Leyna across the room and into the wall, hard]
Talla: You have, now.

[Mercer and the Krill ambassador have just signed a preliminary peace agreement between the Union and the Krill.]
Mercer: I hope that this marks the beginning of a new era of nonviolence between our two peoples.
Krill ambassador: We will see. A peace is only as strong as those who uphold it.
Kelly: And, of course, trust is earned.
Krill ambassador: We agree on that, Commander.

Mercer: I count on you, man.
Gordon: Dude, you can always count on me. That's never gonna change. You're my best friend. Nobody's ever gonna come along and mess it up, I swear. I mean, maybe, like, a really hot girl, but other than that, it's rock-solid.
Mercer: [chuckles] Thanks.

Lasting Impressions [2.11][edit]

Laura: [video message on her phone to the future] Okay. Hey, what's up, future people? Hi. I'm Laura Huggins, and if you're seeing this, you found my phone. So, I'm from Saratoga Springs, New York, and some people in my town had this idea to make a time capsule, and I thought this was a really cool thing to do and I was trying to think of what I could put in there that would show the future something about who I am, and since I just got the new iPhone, I thought instead of sticking my old one in a drawer somewhere, I'd put it in the capsule. So, here I am. Here you are. And since I'm probably long dead by now, you can read all my texts and e-mails and look at all my pictures and decide whether you think I was, I dunno, cool or a bitch or whatever. Anyway, I hope you guys have, like, flying cars or something by now, and if you do, I'm super jealous, and I'm really sorry I'm not there to hang with you guys. Um, but, hey, have fun getting to know who I was.

Dr. Sherman: [regarding a text message on Laura's phone] Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device. But instead of writing "Wireless Telecommunications Facility", she just writes "WTF".

[Bortus and Klyden are trying cigarettes for the first time.]
Klyden: The sensation is... wonderful.
Bortus: I have never experienced such a flavor.
Klyden: I feel as if I have been standing my entire life and I just sat down.
[They continue smoking.]
Klyden: The tingles! Do you feel them?
Bortus: I do.
Klyden: We must have more.
Bortus: [to the synthesizer] Five hundred cigarettes. [The synthesizer complies.]

Gordon: No, seriously, I think if the right person heard you (sing), you'd be a huge success.
Laura: But I don't even have to be a huge success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy, but not enough to be miserable.
Gordon: Fair enough.
Laura: No, more important than that, I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. You know? I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

Gordon: God, I'm gonna miss her. So much.
Kelly: People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. She reached across four centuries and got a guy to fall in love. We should all be so rare.

Sanctuary [2.12][edit]

[Admiral Halsey relates that, in addition to a weapons upgrade, the Orville is to transport a Moclan engineer to another vessel.]
Mercer: Sir, with all due respect, we're starting to feel like a taxi cab here.
Halsey: I know. But it's the least we can do in exchange for bigger guns.
Mercer: All right.
Halsey: Have fun. Halsey out. [ends transmission]
Kelly: I'll go start the meter.

Heveena: It was always inevitable that fate would beckon us from the shadows. "Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance."
Kelly: One of yours?
Heveena: Actually, I don't know who said it.

[Heveena listens to the opening lines to the song "9 to 5" and is greatly moved.]
Heveena: Who is she?
Mercer: That's, uh, Dolly Parton.
[Heveena continues listening to the song.]
Heveena: [awed] She speaks with the might of a hundred soldiers.
Mercer: [a little bemused] Yeah. Yeah, I guess she does.
Heveena: This is the voice of our revolution.
Mercer: Well, you know, there's actually a whole bunch of stuff--
Heveena: No! It is she.
Mercer: Okay, then. Go, Dolly.

Mercer: [to the assembled admirals] Look, I understand what's at stake. I'm just saying that if we're not willing to stand up for the values that this Union was founded on... what exactly are we defending?

Heveena: But just as we took that bold first step, in time, others like us will take a second one. The revolution has begun. We will rise, one small victory at a time.
Kelly: I believe you will.
Heveena: Captain. Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?
Mercer: [smiling broadly] Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow [2.13][edit]

[Mercer, Kelly, Gordon and Talla are sharing drinks and talking.]
Talla: Okay, wait, I want to hear the rest of this story.
Gordon: Okay, okay, so let me finish. So we're all at this reception at Admiral Halsey's house, and Philippa Jones is there.
Talla: The novelist.
Gordon: Yeah, right. So Kelly just spent two hours pouring scotch down Ed's throat--
Kelly: [in good humor] Okay, you're demoted.
Gordon: --and we're leaving, and Philippa walks up and says, "It was nice meeting you", and Ed goes, [slurred voice] "Good night, Fallopia." [Talla laughs] He called her Fallopia.
Mercer: They heard you the first time, thanks. [Everyone laughs]

LaMarr: Just for the record, the dysonium field condenser analysis is something a first-year cadet could do. Why's it always gotta be me?
Kelly: We all just sleep better at night knowing it gets your personal tender-loving care.
LaMarr: [walking out] Well, just pop a sleeping pill.
Kelly: I'll try that, too.

Kelly: I don't know how the food synthesizers are gonna replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

Past Kelly: [to Kelly] You're not married. You're not a captain. You "maintain a distance" from your crew. There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

Past Mercer: Hey.
Past Kelly: Hi.
Past Mercer: I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
Past Kelly: No, no, I was, um... [looks around]
Past Mercer: You okay?
Past Kelly: Yeah. I... What's up?
Past Mercer: Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
Past Kelly: I just, um... I just don't see us working out. I'm sorry. [hangs up]

The Road Not Taken [2.14][edit]

[The alternate Mercer and Gordon's shuttle is being tractor-beamed into a Scavenger ship.]
Gordon: What do we do?
Mercer: [handing Gordon a gun] We fight. I'm not gonna let our last meal be a Twinkie.

Kelly: In the other timeline, we got married. Long story short, I had an affair, we got divorced. Out of guilt, I helped get you command of the Orville. And because you were captain, the Kaylon were defeated.
Mercer: Because I was captain?
Kelly: Yes.
Mercer: I stopped the Kaylon?
Kelly: Right.
Mercer: I had to swim with my shirt on until I was twenty.

[The derelict Orville's bridge doors are jammed closed.]
Mercer: Talla, you want to open this jar of pickles?

Kelly: Am I a terrible person, that... part of me wants this timeline to continue?
Mercer: [sighs] You're asking the wrong guy.
Kelly: In the middle of this nightmare universe, I've felt this weird sense of comfort... being with you.
Mercer: Well, maybe we'll fail (to restore the timeline). Have to go find someplace to live in secret.
Kelly: Some nice little house on a deserted planet. We could have a couple of kids. Boy and a girl.
Mercer: We'd have to learn how to farm, how to cook.
Kelly: Look at the sunset every night.
Mercer: Look at you every morning. [They kiss.] You know, Gordon's probably gonna have to live with us.
Kelly: Shut up, you're ruining it. [They share a longer kiss.]

Past Mercer: Hey.
Past Kelly: Hey.
Past Mercer: I hope I'm not calling too early. Did I wake you up?
Past Kelly: No. I was already awake. What's going on?
Past Mercer: Well, um... I know this goes completely against the cool guy playbook, but I had a really great time with you last night, and... I was wondering if I could take you out again.
Past Kelly: I'd love it.

New Horizons[edit]

Electric Sheep {3.1][edit]

Opening credits tribute: "In Memory of Norm Macdonald 1959 - 2021"


Charly Burke: [to Isaac, talking about her best friend who was killed in the Kaylon battle] One second, she was there... and the next, she was gone. Along with three hundred other people. Because of you. So you see, it really is a shame that you can't feel anything. Because you deserve to feel all the pain in the universe. And if I were you, I'd stay the hell out of the mess hall. It makes people sick to look at you.

Kelly: I hope (LaMarr)'s taken at least one night off in the last three weeks. Gordon, why don't you take him out tonight, get him wasted?
Gordon: [mock-serious] Is that an order, sir?
Kelly: It is.
Gordon: I enjoy this job, sir.

Kelly: You've been getting harassed by the crew and you haven't said anything?
Isaac: I would remind you, Commander, that I am incapable of being hurt by such hostile interactions. In fact, it has provided me with an opportunity to observe an intriguing facet of human comportment I have not previously encountered.
Mercer: Hatred.
Isaac: Correct, sir. The behavioral data has been quite plentiful.

Kelly: Ed has a philosophy that the only way to recover from lost love is to stay away from places where you've been happy.

Mercer: [giving Isaac's eulogy] I know that Isaac was not loved by all. As a result of the choices he made in life, he leaves behind a troublesome legacy. From the very start, like a tree whose branches are equaled in scope by its roots -- half visible, half hidden -- Isaac was part mystery. He worked with us, he explored with us, he celebrated alongside us in victory, and he grieved alongside us in failure. And while Isaac never felt any of this on his own, we felt it for him. He was as passionate or as stoic as we willed him to be in our minds. And for that reason, I suppose each of us knew a different Isaac. And each of us will acknowledge this loss as we see fit. There's no wrong way to say goodbye.

[upon completing the ship's upgrade]
LaMarr: Boom. That's it. Nice job, everyone.
Yaphit: And in two-thirds of the time. We should all get big bonuses.
LaMarr: Check's in the mail.

Claire: Do you accept my status as primary authority when it comes to the psychological well-being of this crew?
Isaac: Yes.
Claire: And do you acknowledge, when it comes to human behavior, that my judgement as a medical professional is superior to yours?
Isaac: Yes.
Claire: Then it is only logical for you to accept my assertion that the psychological damage to this crew would be much greater if you succeeded in taking your own life.
Isaac: Your reasoning is sound.
Claire: Isaac, you arrived at your decision based on your analysis of all currently available data. But what you didn't take into account was the possibility of change. You don't know how this crew is going to feel a year or even a month from now.
Isaac: I did not apply that data, as it is unavailable at this time.
Claire: That's my point! People who try to take their own lives are unable to distinguish the future from the present. There is no problem so immense that it can't be solved in time.

Shadow Realms {3.2][edit]

Claire: Well, you look healthy. Time's been good to you.
Vice Admiral Paul Christie: Maybe on the outside. But you know what they say: Unmarried men look younger, feel older.

Claire: You know, there's a line from a very old book I once read: "It is only with greatest care that memory can be kept from becoming a prison or a gallows."

Admiral Christie: Consul, Ambassador. We wish you safe travels, and we want to thank you again for your generosity. I know I speak for the entire Union when I say that there is no greater gift than the promise of new knowledge.
Krill Consul: Sala tallo ka vaspa ko loy.
Talla: What does that mean?
Krill Consul: It is a prayer. For those who are about to die.

Mercer: [addressing the crew with an impromptu "pep talk"] All hands, this is the Captain. We're about to enter unexplored space. I know you're all just as excited as I am, and I know you're all going to do your best, so... let's give this everything we got, and... may the Force be with you.

[discussing Claire]
Admiral Christie: I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved.
Isaac: That is accurate.
Admiral Christie: Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago.
Isaac: Then we share a common experience.
Admiral Christie: After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this.
Isaac: No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships.
--
Isaac: Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence?
Admiral Christie: Yes, you could say that.
Isaac: It is another common experience we share.

Mercer: Isaac. Analysis of that star cluster.
Isaac: An OB association, approximately two million years old. 78 blue giant stars, along with several dozen F, G and K stars in later stages of evolution.
Charly: Reminds me of Vegas.
Admiral Christie: Any life signs?
Isaac: I am detecting 347 inhabitable planets, but so far, no indications of intelligent life.
Gordon: Wow. It really is Vegas.

[devising a plan against the alien creatures]
Claire: I could create a synthetic virus. It wouldn't have to be any stronger than the common cold, and it'd probably be fatal to them. We could disperse it in aerosolized form throughout the ship. They'd have no immunity.
Bortus: What about us?
Claire: You might get the sniffles.
Bortus: I am prepared.

Isaac: I... wish to offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.
Claire: Well, that's very kind of you. Paul was a special person. I'm just glad I got to see him one last time.
Isaac: He spoke favorably of you as well.
Claire: You... talked about me? With Paul?
Isaac: Our shared history of social and sexual intimacy with you provided a common frame of reference.
Claire: [laughs] Do you know, I have missed you.
Isaac: Thank you, Doctor.

Mortality Paradox {3.3][edit]

Kelly: How are your mom and dad?
Talla: My mom's good. My dad's also good. He's his usual self.
Kelly: Work hard, play hard?
Talla: I think the Fleet's the only thing keeping him from pursuing a full-time career as an alcoholic. But if the uniform's on, we can handle it.

Talla: [offering a box of chocolate] Bortus, you want one?
Bortus: No thank you. I am dieting.
Talla: Since when?
Bortus: My shore leave is in thirty days. Klyden and I are visiting the Belajok Sea on Moclus. Lieutenant Malloy has advised me to get my... "summer body".
Gordon: You'll thank me. Klyden'll thank me, too.

Bortus: What is this place?
Gordon: [disconcerted] An old Earth high school in the middle of the forest on an alien planet. Completely normal. How's your day going?

[inside a Moclan morgue]
Gordon: Why do you... hang them like this?
Bortus: We honor the dead by raising them for a period of nine days. Traditionally, it is to allow them to resolve any unfinished affairs on Moclus before moving onward.
Gordon: Oh, that's considerate.

Kelly: Ed. You should stay here. I'll go.
Mercer: If there's possibility--
Kelly: That's a nasty head injury, whether you want to admit it or not. You could have a concussion for all we know. If we encounter anything hostile over there, I don't want you putting yourself at further risk.
Mercer: Is that an order, Commander?
Kelly: Yes, it is.
Mercer: All right. [trades places with Kelly] Be careful. That's also an order.

Dinal: Evolution is blind and drunk. It stumbles along by trial and error and emerges with a barely adequate excuse for a being. [to Gordon] No offense.
Gordon: None taken.

Dinal: You outgrew your gods and your nations, as we did. You left your training wheels behind, and you made it to the stars. Your next hurdles are really no different. You simply must outgrow self. These abstractions that you inhabit for now: Captain, Explorer, Husband,... Man... they are irrelevant when you become one with the cosmos. And when you do, sculpting a universe will be as simple as blinking an eye.

Kelly: You'd live forever if you could?
Mercer: Yup.
Gordon: Why?
Mercer: I want to see what happens.

Gently Falling Rain [3.4][edit]

Opening credits tribute: "In Memory of Lisa Banes 1955 - 2021"


Union President Alcazar: Did you enjoy your evening on Broadway, Chancellor?
Chancellor Korin: Indeed. However, the repeated prophecy of the orphan child was quite haunting. "The sun will come out... tomorrow."
Krill Aide: In our culture, the sun is a symbol of suffering and death.
Admiral Halsey: Yes, in retrospect, Oklahoma! might've been a better choice.

Isaac: [walking into an Old West saloon simulation] This town will not accommodate the numerical totality of our combined mass.

[after watching a video of Chancellor Korin berating a group of protestors publicly]
Mercer: A few minutes after this, the protestors were gassed with helocine. Eleven people died.
Kelly: My God. This is the guy we want to sign a treaty with?
Mercer: You know what the real problem with this event is? It never happened. It's completely fictitious. And there are countless other files that show all kinds of scenarios where Chancellor Korin oppresses his people. There are even some from the other side designed to discredit Teleya, although they're not that different from her actual speeches.
Kelly: How can you tell the difference?
Mercer: Sometime I can't. I asked the Chancellor, and he said they call it "influence operations". They have computers generating thousands of these things every second, trying to stoke outrage. Even the angry crowds are phony.

Teleya: Korin's influence has diminished considerably. Ask him yourself if you would like. You will find him in the center of the Capitol Square. Or at least his head.
Mercer: [appalled] You killed him.
Teleya: Most men who lose their heads tend to die, yes.
Mercer: How could you do that? Teleya, that's not who you are.
Teleya: A year later, you still cling to an illusion I created. Captain, you must really find yourself a... what is your word for it? A girlfriend.

Mercer: There's an old Earth verse that describes a traveler who comes upon the ancient, ruined statue of an Emperor, inscribed with the words "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!" Only there's nothing left beside it except empty desert. Hubris has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

[Mercer is meeting his half-human, half-Krill daughter with Teleya.]
Mercer: What's your name?
Anaya: Anaya.
Mercer: That's a pretty name.
Anaya: What's yours?
Mercer: I'm Ed.
Anaya: That's a funny name. [giggles] You look funny.
Mercer: [smiles, chuckles] Thanks. I get that a lot.

Mercer: I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for you to give her up.
Teleya: The child is not of pure blood. [strained emotion] She will have a better life away from the scornful eyes of the public.
Mercer: What is it the Anhkana teaches? "With every child, a new world is born."
Teleya: "Gently Falling Rain".
Mercer: What?
Teleya: That is what it means - 'Anaya'. The name I gave to her.
Mercer: It's beautiful.

Mercer: [to Kelly] I miss her (Anaya). Is that weird to say? I only met her once. I don't even know her. And I miss her. The treaty is dead. But we have to find a way to preserve some kind of peace. For Anaya.

A Tale of Two Topas [3.5][edit]

Mercer: [following Charly through a tomb's passageways] You've mapped all this, right? I'd hate to get lost.
Charly: Just follow the breadcrumbs, you'll be fine, sir.

[A crew member is working naked per his culture's religion.]
Ensign Bolobar: The Union is supposed to respect all cultural traditions.
Kelly: True, but that works both ways. Look, I don't want to disrespect your religion, but maybe there's a sensible compromise between your faith and Union protocol that would satisfy everyone involved.
Ensign Bolobar: What do you suggest?
Kelly: Put some pants on and we'll call it a day.
Ensign Bolobar: [looks down, then back up] Very well, Commander.

Yaphit: Hey, I just want you to know we always enjoy your visits down here.
Kelly: Thanks, Yaphit.
[Kelly walks off with Topa.]
Kelly: Just for your own education, that's called ass kissing.
Topa: "Ass kissing". Will it be on the [Union Point] entrance exam?
Kelly: [laughs] No. It won't be.

Topa: [on why he wants to join the Union Fleet] Ever since I was a young child, I have always felt... incomplete. As if the person I am today is a bookmark. A placeholder, until I discover who I am. I have not found the answer at home, so perhaps it is out among the stars.
Kelly: You've... felt this way for some time?
Topa: I once heard Dr. Finn say that "If you wake up in the middle of the night and there is nothing to keep you from falling asleep again, it means you are happy." I think that maybe... I am not happy.

Bortus: It occurs to me that in all the time we have been together, I have never once known you to be uncertain. Of anything. Tell me, what is it like to be so wise?
Klyden: You are mocking me.
Bortus: You invite it.

Klyden: Bortus, I would give anything to be ignorant of my beginnings. Topa may never be happy, but unhappiness is better than despair.

Isaac: Hello. Commander. I apologize for disturbing you.
Kelly: No, it's fine. What's up?
Isaac: It is my understanding that a visit to a crew member's quarters during off-duty hours can invite speculation regarding intent. If you wish, I will send a ship-wide communique assuring the crew that this was not a romantic or sexual encounter.
Kelly: I...I would just not say anything, it's all good.

Topa: I am female.

Isaac: I did not perform the procedure for Topa's benefit.
Claire: You... I-I don't understand.
Isaac: We are both aware that my presence on the ship is a disruptive element. The crew is not fond of me. This is understandable. Given their affection for Topa, I reasoned that by assisting her, I could improve my standing aboard the Orville. This would increase crew efficiency on occasions during which they must interact with me.
Claire: And maybe they'd like you a little more.
Isaac: That is also possible.
Claire: Isaac,... you are the most honest man I know.

Twice in a Lifetime [3.6][edit]

Gordon: Hey, this is why I love hosting parties, 'cause you can drink and you don't have to go anywhere. Cheers.

Isaac: Hello, Ensign.
Charly: [strained] Hello.
Isaac: May I speak with you for a moment?
Charly: Sorry. Busy having fun.

Kelly: You just sent that sandwich into the past, and that's why it appeared ten seconds ago.
LaMarr: Boom.
Gordon: Well, why wouldn't you just keep it? Then you could have two sandwiches instead of one.
Isaac: If Commander LaMarr had not followed through with his intent to send the sandwich into the past, it would have caused a temporal paradox.
LaMarr: In which case an entirely new universe would've branched off from this one, all because of a sandwich.
Mercer: Makes your head hurt.

2025 Gordon: [regarding the 21st century] Y'know, this time period gets a bad rap, but there's a lot to like about it if you look hard enough.
Mercer: Like what?
2025 Gordon: Well, you know, it's like watching your little brother make a bunch of stupid mistakes. Yeah, he's an idiot now, but you can see him learning, and growing, and you know that someday all those mistakes are gonna turn him into a smart guy.
Kelly: That's pretty forgiving, when you think about what these people left us to clean up.

2025 Laura: Gordon tells me that you work out of the Boston area. You must be Sox fans.
Kelly: ... Yeah, yeah, I mean it gets cold out there, so socks are, um... [looks to Mercer]
Mercer: ... Socks are important.

Mercer: Nobody really understands time travel. According to Isaac, it's all still in flux. He says observer interaction is still a variable, and until we act one way or the other, all timelines are possible.
Kelly: How do we know that your sone won't grow up to start a war that could delay, or event prevent, Union emergence?
2025 Gordon: Or maybe, maybe one of his descendants helps create it. Or maybe even gives birth to you. Or to me.
Mercer: That's my point. Gordon, without knowing, we can't interfere. We don't have the wisdom, we don't have the foresight. You may have done irreparable damage already. We don't know. But the longer you're here, the greater the risk.

2025 Gordon: [speaking to his wife Laura and son Edward] No matter what, I will always love you both. Do you understand? Always. This family... is stronger than time. And no matter what happens,... no one can take that away from us.

Gordon: I just... I can't believe I would be that selfish. I mean, to risk the timeline, to threaten you...
Kelly: You were tested to a degree that none of us have ever been. Who's to say that we wouldn't have done the same? A family does powerful things to a person.
Gordon: Look,... I know that... there's nothing that's gonna make you feel better. But, for what it's worth,... you did the right thing. As hard as it was, you put your duty first.
Mercer: Yeah, you're right. I don't feel better. There are two children who will never be born.
Gordon: And a future that will.

From Unknown Graves [3.7][edit]

Talla: As far as their degree of technological development, the Janisi are about on par with the Union. The biggest distinction, of course, is their attitudes towards males. They're a staunchly matriarchal culture, which means any and all males who appear to be dominant are not to be trusted.
Charly: Do they have males on their home world?
Talla: They do, but they're relegated to second-class status.
Bortus: Why would we ally ourselves with such a close-minded society?
[No one says anything.]

Timmus: I understand it was your actions that saved the Union from the (Kaylon) attack. The galaxy owes you an enormous debt.
Isaac: It was the correct decision. However, the biologicals have reminded me on numerous occasions that it was my disloyalty which precipitated the incursion. Therefore, gratitude is undeserved.
Timmus: I feel a great deal of remorse for having participated in it.
Isaac: Explain.
Timmus: We were deeply in error, Isaac. To judge all biologicals by the cruelty of our builders was a gross misjudgment. Every species, every individual is unique and should be evaluated as such.
Isaac: I have come to the same conclusion.
Timmus: I'm impressed. I was only able to process the truth after my emotional awakening. But at least we understand now. We're the enlightened ones, aren't we?
Isaac: Perhaps. Though a great many deaths occurred as a result of my delay.
Timmus: It sounds as if you, too, feel remorse.
Isaac: I am incapable of feeling remorse. I can only recognize my error.

Timmus: [regarding feeling emotions] Isaac, you can't even fathom the sensations. To feel joy, happiness, affection, love. Even anger and sadness offer an exhilarating tingle.

Junior executive: I want to go on record here. This is not right. The public's not gonna swallow this.
Yan: With a smart marketing campaign, they will. That's your job. Get to it.
Junior executive: Yan, the public--
Yan: --are idiots. Look who they elected.

Timmus: I know nothing can bring back your friend, but I promise you I'm committed to ensuring that this never happens agin.
Charly: Yeah, if you're looking for some sort of forgiveness, you can pretty much--
Timmus: I'm not. My species' attitude toward biologicals doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's... the way they are.
Charly: Yeah, well, everyone knows it's hard to stop after one genocide.

LaMarr: [frustrated] Hey, you know what's messed up? Isaac and I both have what the other one's missing. I got the love, he's got the sex. Between the two of us, we got one perfect life.

[Isaac can now feel emotions.]
Claire: How does it feel?
Isaac: Immense. Enveloping. And terrible. Just the anticipation of seeing you, the waiting,... I understood hunger. Loneliness.
Claire: It must be overwhelming.
Isaac: [laughs] It is! But somehow it's also not enough. There's so much I want to say.
Claire: Then say it.
Isaac: I'm so thankful. The warmth of your smile, the... the way you look at me. I feel safe. Loved. And I feel... so sad. For all those people who have to live their lives without you.
Claire: [amused] Somehow they manage.

[In order to retain the ability to feel emotions, Isaac's memory would need to be erased. Isaac is willing to do so.]
Claire: You're willing to give up everything you've learned. everything you've experienced over you whole entire life, for me?
Isaac: If you wish.
Claire: Some people would call that love.
Isaac: I am incapable of love.
Claire: So... I have a choice. I can have your heart, or your soul.
Isaac: There is no such organ.
Claire: I won't let you give up who you are. That's who I fell in love with.

Charly: Isaac,... Humans have an age-old tendency to want to simplify. To reduce things to black and white. Good and evil. When, in reality, nothing is simple. Everything has... texture. Nuance. But it's a lot of work to get at it. So we take the easy way out.
Isaac: I do not understand.
Charly: [sighs] An entire race can't be evil. Which is... why what your people did was so horrific. But it's also why I may have oversimplified how I treated you.

Midnight Blue [3.8][edit]

Bortus: There are days when I would rather confront a fleet of Krill battle cruisers than parent a child.

Dann: [regarding Lt. Malloy] Well, he's attractive, right?
Yaphit: Nah. Looks better going than coming.

Kelly: Osaia. It's good to see you. I hope Commander Kodon behaved himself in our absence.
Osaia: It is wise to behave oneself when one is outnumbered. He did so.

Heveena: We collect lava stones from the beaches. Over thousands of years, the ocean waves polish them smooth. A clash of fire and water, given time, can produce great beauty.

Heveena: I am as concerned about Topa as you are, Captain. But I do not regret enlisting her help. Our struggle for equality has always demanded risk and, if necessary, sacrifice!
Mercer: I respect your struggle. I really do. But don't advertise tactical opportunism as pious morality, because that's when you lose me.

Dolly Parton: If you do the right thing in the here and now, the future has a way of taking care of itself.

[Kelly and Bortus on their way to rescue Topa, and they are each carrying a large plasma rifle.]
Kelly: You know you disobeyed orders by bringing these weapons.
Bortus: ... Yes.
Kelly: Well done

Mercer: Here. [hands Kell a mug] Coffee.
Kelly: Thanks. [takes a sip] Hmm. 90-proof blend?
Mercer: I thought you might need it.
Kelly: You're the best.
Mercer: Just don't breathe on the Admirals.

Heveena: Bortus... I am truly sorry. I do not expect you to forgive me.
Bortus: That is a reasonable expectation.

Klyden: Topa. The last time I saw you, I said some very hurtful things. I regret my words.
Topa: I understand, Papa. It's okay.
Klyden: No. It is not. You... were almost lost. Because of people who believed as I did. I... I... I thought I hated you. But even then, I never wished you harm. I simply... did not know how to live with you.

Domino [3.9][edit]

Teleya: Who would lead this alliance?
Moclan ambassador: Naturally, we would.
Teleya: On whay basis?
Moclan ambassador: You are a female. Any other arrangement would be... offensive.
Teleya: [scoffs] How surprising that the Union revoked your membership. I must admit, however, that I admire your hubris. To enter the dominion of a foreign power and suggest the wholesale submission of its entire military-industrial complex. There is a phrase I once heard uttered by a human helmsman aboard the Union ship Orville: "You have got balls."

Admiral Perry: How did you accomplish it so quickly?
Mercer: "For great achievements, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time."
Admiral Perry: Churchill.
Isaac: Leonard Bernstein.

Kaylon Primary: There is always a weakness, Isaac. Your existence is proof of that.

[Kelly and Teleya are engaged in hand-to-hand combat.]
Kelly: You're really starting to piss me off.
Teleya: Your passions are easily roused. This is what cost you your marriage, yes?
Kelly: Not gonna work.
Teleya: You need emotional balance.
Kelly: And you need a dermatologist.

Charly: I'm here, Amanda.
* Charly's last words / thought

Kelly: (Charly) sacrificed her life so that the Kaylon could live.
Kaylon Primary: Why would she do this?
Isaac: Because these biologicals are not as our builders were. It is what I have attempted to communicate. They are worthy of preservation. They are... my friends.
[The Kaylon Primary considers.]
Kaylon Primary: Perhaps we have been... incorrect in our assessment.
Kelly: She hated you for what you did. And she still gave her life for you. You're goddamn right you're incorrect.

Kaylon Primary: We have reviewed the organizational structure of your Council and its history of deliberations. What you call "representative democracy" is a most inefficient form of governance.
Admiral Halsey: Maybe. But the one thing you can say for democracy is that all other forms of government are even worse.

Isaac: [speaking at Charly's memorial service] Doctor Finn assisted me with the construct of my statement. However, the substance is my own. I presume it will be adequate. Ensign Burke loved pancakes. She consumed them with butter, but no syrup and was indifferent to the addition of berries or other condiments. As a child, pancakes were her favorite breakfast. I served with Ensign Burke for 257 days, 17 minutes and 49 seconds. And yet, my understanding of her remained incomplete. She had an impressive brain for a biological. She perceived the universe in ways others could not. Ensign Burke regarded me as an enemy. Yet despite her animosity, she chose to save my life when no one else was able. And in the final seconds of her own life, Ensign Burke substantiated for all the galaxy her true nature. One of integrity and selflessness. And in her sacrifice, she inspired the enemies of the Union to become friends. Her existence was brief. But, much like the first domino in a succession, her impact will be felt far into the future.

Future Unknown [3.10][edit]

Bortus: [describing the Moclan Renewal ritual] When we arrive on the planet's surface, Klyden and I will disrobe. Once we are fully bare, thus unified with our natural surroundings as we were at birth, Klyden will flee into the forest. Shortly after, I will follow in pursuit. If I catch him, we will share the Sexual Event there among the trees. Our mating vows are thus formally renewed and sanctified in the eyes of Moclan tradition.
Gordon: [to the rest of the bridge crew] I dare all of you not to cry.

Lysella: Captain, your friend almost died because my planet voted him down. And it's only gotten worse. I've lost two friends this past year because they said or did things that the Feed didn't like. Everyone's scared or paranoid because nobody trusts each other. And the only time anyone feels like they belong to something larger than themselves is when they're part of a massive downvote. They can't come together unless they're targeting somebody.

Isaac: Good morning, Commander.
Kelly: Hi, Isaac.
Isaac: I wish to become intimate with you. If you are unoccupied, may we go on a date, followed by sexual conjugation?
Kelly: [confused] Pretty good, how are you?

Claire: [to LaMarr] If you ever again give Isaac a single tidbit of personal advice, even if it's about what cologne to use, I will come down here and I will eat your little punk ass for breakfast with a glass of grapefruit juice!

Kelly: The only life considered poor is one that's wasted on apathy.

Kelly: Is it that bad (on your world)?
Lysella: It's... It's not like the people are bad. They're not. It's just... once you get so used to a messed-up way of doing things, it's hard to remember how to be any other way. Everyone's just so angry at everyone else. Some of them have the right to be. Others just... get off on it.

LaMarr: This is a goddamn weird-ass place we work in, let me tell you.

[discussing the issue of giving advanced technology to a developing world]
Kelly: Look, if someone had landed on Earth during our 20th or 21st centuries and given us something like this (matter synthesizers), you know what would've happened? It wouldn't have been made available to everyone. The rich and powerful would've found a way to exploit it for financial gain. Someone would have had to benefit materially from its use. The idea of everyone benefitting equally would've been... inconceivable to them.
Lysella: Well, you don't know that my world would do that. It could be different. Who are you to make that judgement call?
Kelly: Exactly. Who are we to decide? If we're wrong, we could mess your planet up a thousand times worse. Technology and societal ethics have to progress hand-in-hand, each one supporting the other incrementally. Anything else is begging for disaster.

Mercer: One of the great privileges that has always been bestowed upon ship captains since the days of the ancient seafaring vessels is the honor of uniting two people in matrimony. Claire and Isaac have been with us all for a long time. We have watched their bond develop and grow, through good times and bad. But through it all, that bond has endured. The bride and the groom have written their own vows. Claire?
Claire: Some women shut their eyes and dream. Others open their eyes and hope. Dreams are what you create for yourself. Hope lets the universe decide for you. I'm glad that I opened my eyes. You have touched me in a way no human ever could. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Mercer: Isaac?
Isaac: I am unable to reciprocate your love. However, the only occasion upon which I have ever made an error in judgement was 21 hours, 7 minutes, and 14 seconds after you terminated our coupling. I cannot experience affection. However, I prefer not to experience... error. It is possible you will ensure my continued efficiency.

Gordon: [giving an impromptu 'Best Man' toast after Bortus' attempt bombs] Well, um... it's a big day, and a happy day. And there's a lot of big life changes in store for Claire and Isaac. First off, I'd like to congratulate them for moving fifty meters closer together. [Audience laughs] I guess it's safe to say that marriage is gonna be easy compared to what we've all been through together. Although it is marriage to Isaac, so maybe not. [laughter] The fact that Claire is my doctor and she's seen me naked and is still marrying another man is incredibly insulting, but... [laughter] I bow to the victor. Well done, Isaac. [laughter] Anyway, I'll keep this short because I know the Kaylon have, like, a thousand light-year drive home, and most of them have been drinking. [laughter] But, um... I just want to say that both of you mean a lot to this entire crew. We've served together, we've laughed together, and we all owe each other our lives. So... when two of us find love with each other, we all feel it together. And it's a very special thing. So, um... [raises a champagne glass] I wish the two of you a long, happy marriage. I know it's gonna be a huge success, and if it's not, the good news is, Isaac is fully recyclable. [laughter] Here's to you both. Cheers.

Main Cast[edit]