The Red Green Show
The Red Green Show was a Canadian comedy show that ran on CBC and PBS from 1991 to 2006.
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Red Green: (repeated line) ...the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.
Red: (opening line of each Repair Shop segment) If it ain't broke, you're not trying.
Red: (closing line of each Handyman Corner segment) If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Red: (closing line of each show) Keep your stick on the ice.
Red: (closing line of each Mid-Life Musings segment) Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
All Lodge members: (Possum Lodge oath) Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (Translation: When all else fails, play dead.)
All Lodge members: (Reciting the "Men's Prayer") I'm a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.
Anyone: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!
Harold Green: (reading a letter) "Dear experts --" la la la -- "I find that everything on television is a load of crap. I prefer to use the term 'a load of bad stuff'. Do you think that everything on television is a load of bad stuff?"
Red: Well, yeah. Yeah, it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned.
Harold: Except for this show.
Red: Well, yeah, if you insist.
Hap Shaugnessy: Yeah, I agree. It's all crap. And it could have been so good too, that's what bothers me. It almost makes me sorry I invented it!
Red: Invented what, Hap... crap?
Hap: No... television!
Red: I could be a great astronomer, Harold!
Harold: (to audience) He's always been good at staring off into space, so...
Red: I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot.
Harold: That's good. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot.
Red: [Being dangerous is] what gets the juices flowing -- the adrenaline, the testosterone, the hydrogen peroxide...
Red: Isn't this great? We've got no overhead!
Harold: You've got no inhead!
Red: (as he duct tapes a spare tire to the flat tire) This is only temporary, unless it works.
Red: Things don't improve with age. Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the mirror!
Red: Men who need glasses sometimes make passes at women who are already their wives.
Red: If your wife's having a good time and you're not, you're still having a better time than if you're having a good time and she's not.
Red: If you can't stay young, you can at least stay immature.
Red: Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low / It's the laws of nature that make it so / If the valley is high and the mountain is low / You're either upside-down or drunk, or both.
Red: A horse with a horn is called a unicorn / A horse with stripes is called a zebra / A horse with wings is called Pegasus / And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.
Red: Oh, your hands are connected to your arms/ Your arms are connected to your shoulders/ Your shoulders are connected to your body / Your body is connected to your head. / Oh, your head is connected to... nothing... / Which explains a lot.
Red: Oh, hats off to my science teachers / They were absolutely right after all / 'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof / And cold air definitely falls.
Red: Oh, you never see a vampire with a full-grown beard / Yet a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.
Red: Trapper Jack was hunting bear / A dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town / And he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required / Mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.
Red: Sometimes I get to thinkin' / About all the mistakes I've made / All the people I've hurt / And all the bills I haven't paid / Sometimes I get to thinkin' / I should change and get on the ball... / But then I turn on the ol' TV and I don't get to thinkin' at all.
Possum Lodge Word Game
Red: What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?
Edgar Montrose: Oops!
Red: Let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner--
Dalton Humphrey: KFC!
Red: This is what normal people drink.
Ranger Gord: Beer.
Red: Um, OK, but this has no taste to it.
Ranger Gord: American beer?
Harold: Mr. Dalton Humphrey, you have 30 seconds to get Uncle Red to say this word- [giggles nervously, too embarrassed to say the word himself, but does point to it on the card] and go!
Dalton Humphrey: [coughs and clears throat]
Red: The building you were in when you were married.
Bob Steuyvesant: Motel 6.
Mike Hammer: And today's winner will receive a new house... roof... shingle. [holds it up]
Red: Younger than 20; older than 12.
Dalton Humphrey: Shoplifter?
Red: This is a family member, Mike; the man who slept with your mother.
Mike: Could you be a little more specific?
Red: If your wife had kids, you would be...?
Mike: Long gone.
Red: Aha! Just like your...?
Red: This is something you play at parties...
Edgar: Spin the grenade!
Red: This is an animated character whose name is Donald...
Dalton Humphrey: Trump?
Red: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, though?
Dalton: Gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then you'll (yule) see.
Harold's Monologue to Rambling Old Men (2:01 Minutes)
Harold: I want to talk to old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear.
Harold: You know in Hollywood they actually have a system for telling stories.
Harold: Say for instance you have a movie idea, I got lots okay, but you know anyway.
Harold: A professional with a concise premise of one or two sentences, something like:
Harold: "A meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes around the Midwest; and a bunch of special effects happens."[He wiggles his fingers trying to help visualize the story, and then he giggles.]
Harold: Yeah, if people like that, and only if they like that, you can go on to tell the treatment.
Harold: And it's just like a little longer version with more details.
Harold: Then if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay. That's it an entirely like two hours! [Harold giggles, making motions with his hands.]
Harold: See how they do that? You see, they a little bit of the story to see if people are interested.
[Harold points to the screen, then folds his hands palms down]
Harold: You older guys... you might want to try that.
[The studio audience laughs, while Harold has his usual smile showing his top teeth like a beaver.]
[Harold moves his hands leave the left hand above the desk, while his right hand is under the desk]
Harold: The next time you guys go to the mall, and you see a bunch of teenagers out there talking about something interesting like the new Alanis Morissette CD. [He gives everyone 2 thumbs up and with a high pitch voice and says] RULES!
Harold: Okay so, and you know it reminds you one of your [making quote marks with his hands to sarcastically emphasize]"Amusing stories".
Harold: Don't launch right in to the two hour version you know, see if you can get their attention like uh, you know.
[Impersonating an old man with a deep voice and sounds like a dumb person]
Harold: "Uh, you uh know one time I uh had to change a tire in the rain, on my way to a wedding."
[The audience laughs while Harold has the right eyebrow raised while he had an open mouth smile that made him look like an idiot.]
Harold: If you are met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea!
Harold: [He does his old man impression and says]"Duh (Did I) tell you kids about the time I stepped on a birthday cake? Duhuhuh (to emphasize a dumb old man)"
Harold: [Harold pointed his hands at the camera] If they are interested, and only if they are interested, go on with a little bit longer version. But, you know, as for the two hour version is concerned. Trust me; we're willing to wait for the video.
[Audience laughs and the angle of the camera shifts to the right]
Harold: Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.
[Audience laughs and claps]