The Red Green Show
The Red Green Show was a Canadian comedy show that ran on CBC and PBS from 1991 to 2006.
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Red Green: (repeated line) ...the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.
Red: (opening line of each Repair Shop segment) If it ain't broke, you're not trying.
Red: (closing line of each Handyman Corner segment) If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Red: (closing line of each show) Keep your stick on the ice.
Red: (closing line of each Mid-Life Musings segment) Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
All Lodge members: (Possum Lodge oath) Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (Translation: When all else fails, play dead.)
All Lodge members: (Reciting the "Men's Prayer") I'm a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.
Anyone: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!
Harold Green: (reading a letter) "Dear experts --" la la la -- "I find that everything on television is a load of crap. I prefer to use the term 'a load of bad stuff'. Do you think that everything on television is a load of bad stuff?"
Red: Well, yeah. Yeah, it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned.
Harold: Except for this show.
Red: Well, yeah, if you insist.
Hap Shaugnessy: Yeah, I agree. It's all crap. And it could have been so good too, that's what bothers me. It almost makes me sorry I invented it!
Red: Invented what, Hap... crap?
Hap: No... television!
Red: I could be a great astronomer, Harold!
Harold: (to audience) He's always been good at staring off into space, so...
Red: I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot.
Harold: That's good. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot.
Red: [Being dangerous is] what gets the juices flowing -- the adrenaline, the testosterone, the hydrogen peroxide...
Red: Isn't this great? We've got no overhead!
Harold: You've got no inhead!
Red: (as he duct tapes a spare tire to the flat tire) This is only temporary, unless it works.
Red: Things don't improve with age. Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the mirror!
Red: Men who need glasses sometimes make passes at women who are already their wives.
Red: If your wife's having a good time and you're not, you're still having a better time than if you're having a good time and she's not.
Red: If you can't stay young, you can at least stay immature.
Red: Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low / It's the laws of nature that make it so / If the valley is high and the mountain is low / You're either upside-down or drunk, or both.
Red: A horse with a horn is called a unicorn / A horse with stripes is called a zebra / A horse with wings is called Pegasus / And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.
Red: Oh, your hands are connected to your arms/ Your arms are connected to your shoulders/ Your shoulders are connected to your body / Your body is connected to your head. / Oh, your head is connected to... nothing... / Which explains a lot.
Red: Oh, hats off to my science teachers / They were absolutely right after all / 'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof / And cold air definitely falls.
Red: Oh, you never see a vampire with a full-grown beard / Yet a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.
Red: Trapper Jack was hunting bear / A dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town / And he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required / Mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.
Red: Sometimes I get to thinkin' / About all the mistakes I've made / All the people I've hurt / And all the bills I haven't paid / Sometimes I get to thinkin' / I should change and get on the ball... / But then I turn on the ol' TV and I don't get to thinkin' at all.
Possum Lodge Word Game
Red: What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?
Edgar Montrose: Oops!
Red: Let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner--
Dalton Humphrey: KFC!
Red: This is what normal people drink.
Ranger Gord: Beer.
Red: Um, OK, but this has no taste to it.
Ranger Gord: American beer?
Harold: Mr. Dalton Humphrey, you have 30 seconds to get Uncle Red to say this word- [giggles nervously, too embarrassed to say the word himself, but does point to it on the card] and go!
Dalton Humphrey: [coughs and clears throat]
Red: The building you were in when you were married.
Bob Steuyvesant: Motel 6.
Mike Hammer: And today's winner will receive a new house... roof... shingle. [holds it up]
Red: Younger than 20; older than 12.
Dalton Humphrey: Shoplifter?
Red: This is a family member, Mike; the man who slept with your mother.
Mike: Could you be a little more specific?
Red: If your wife had kids, you would be...?
Mike: Long gone.
Red: Aha! Just like your...?
Red: This is something you play at parties...
Edgar: Spin the grenade!
Red: This is an animated character whose name is Donald...
Dalton Humphrey: Trump?
Red: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton?
Dalton: Gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then yule see.
Harold's Monologue to Rambling Old Men (2:01 Minutes)
Harold: I want to talk to old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear.
Harold: You know in Hollywood they actually have a system for telling stories.
Harold: Say for instance you have a movie idea, I got lots okay, but you know anyway.
Harold: A professional with a concise premise of one or two sentences, something like:
Harold: "A meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes around the Midwest; and a bunch of special effects happens."[He wiggles his fingers trying to help visualize the story, and then he giggles.]
Harold: Yeah, if people like that, and only if they like that, you can go on to tell the treatment.
Harold: And it's just like a little longer version with more details.
Harold: Then if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay. That's it an entirely like two hours! [Harold giggles, making motions with his hands.]
Harold: See how they do that? You see, they a little bit of the story to see if people are interested.
[Harold points to the screen, then folds his hands palms down]
Harold: You older guys... you might want to try that.
[The studio audience laughs, while Harold has his usual smile showing his top teeth like a beaver.]
[Harold moves his hands leave the left hand above the desk, while his right hand is under the desk]
Harold: The next time you guys go to the mall, and you see a bunch of teenagers out there talking about something interesting like the new Alanis Morissette CD. [He gives everyone 2 thumbs up and with a high pitch voice and says] RULES!
Harold: Okay so, and you know it reminds you one of your [making quote marks with his hands to sarcastically emphasize]"Amusing stories".
Harold: Don't launch right in to the two hour version you know, see if you can get their attention like uh, you know.
[Impersonating an old man with a deep voice and sounds like a dumb person]
Harold: "Uh, you uh know one time I uh had to change a tire in the rain, on my way to a wedding."
[The audience laughs while Harold has the right eyebrow raised while he had an open mouth smile that made him look like an idiot.]
Harold: If you are met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea!
Harold: [He does his old man impression and says]"Duh (Did I) tell you kids about the time I stepped on a birthday cake? Duhuhuh (to emphasize a dumb old man)"
Harold: [Harold pointed his hands at the camera] If they are interested, and only if they are interested, go on with a little bit longer version. But, you know, as for the two hour version is concerned. Trust me; we're willing to wait for the video.
[Audience laughs and the angle of the camera shifts to the right]
Harold: Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.
[Audience laughs and claps]
North of Forty Advice Segments
Red Green: You’ve probably heard them say that ‘to err is human, but to really mess up you need a computer.’ I’m actually old enough to remember the years B.C. ‘Before Computers.’ Back then, the only use for silicon we knew about was from looking at pictures of pinup girls…which was also our introduction to the concept of ‘Virtual Reality.’ Life was a lot simpler when ‘boot up’ and ‘log on’ was something you did when you wanted to warm your feet by the fire. See computers were in their infancy back then, but like most infants, they eventually grow up to be teenagers and then take over your life. Over the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of our existence, and there have been a bunch of us who have fought it every step of the way from punch cards to PC’s. Well, I salute the effort. But I’m here to tell you that the battle is over…and we lost, baby! We lost big time! The palm pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome like everybody else. The enemy is at the gates…heck the enemy may even be named Gates. Remember, I’m pullin’ for ya! We’re all in this together!