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The Venture Bros. (season 4)

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The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season of The Venture Bros.

Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel

[edit]
Sgt. Hatred: Hank, I will give you so much money to not shoot your dad.
[Brock jumps out of an airship; Helper starts beeping rapidly]
Brock: No! Helper! Whatever you do, do not engage your helicopter blades! You'll kill us both!
[More rapid beeping]
Brock: . No, I won't. Just ... trust me.
Dean: How can you say that about Hitler? I love Hitler, and Hitler loves me! He's not so bad - Hitler just needs someone to believe in him! Can't you just give Hitler a chance?
Sgt. Hatred: Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.
Dr. Orpheus: Good lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?
Sgt. Hatred: We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!
Dr. Orpheus: This dog has a great evil in him!
21: That is learned behavior. That's the owner's fault usually. You have to show them that you're the alpha male.
Dr. Orpheus: Not even the great Cesar Milan could whisper this hell hound!
Plastic Surgeon: [upon seeing H.E.L.P.eR's head embedded in Brock's chest] What made you change your mind?
Brock: Huh?
Plastic Surgeon: I put in a lot of those this year. Ever since the Iron Man, everybody wants the robot hearts.
Brock: Yeah, well theirs probably don't talk this much.
Plastic Surgeon: How come all of a sudden you trust me now? What's to stop me from killing you when you're under?
[Brock pulls a grenade out of his pocket, removes the pin, and places it squarely in H.E.L.P.eR's mouth.]
Brock: Him.
Sgt. Hatred: Hank, where's your uniform?
Hank: I'm not wearing that clown-suit; and you are not the boss of me.
Sgt. Hatred: Au Contraire! I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano! I am full-on-Charles-in-charge of you! You are my unit.
Hank: (Smirking) "Unit".
Sgt. Hatred: And a Unit operates as one. We dress the same, we walk the same, we eat the same! You like pineapples and ham on your pizza?
Hank: Gross, no!
Sgt. Hatred: Well, you do now! Why? Because I do! Unit! Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you how much you love Country & Western music!
Dean: The doggie made a poo-poo.
Dr. Venture: Great! Some fucking master race!
Dr. Venture: Let's see the half-mil.
21: This relic belonged to my father's father. It has been passed down to the first-born male in my family's line.
Dr. Venture: [removing the cover to reveal, in a mylar sheath, a Marvel comic book] What? It's a comic. A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.
21: A comic? That is Marvel #1!
Dr. Venture: Look, I wasn't born yesterday. There's no way that something featuring Ka-Zar the Great, and twelve pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.
21: That's in almost dead mint condition! That is CGC rated at 9.6! It's like a miracle!
Dr. Venture: Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans to another superscientist with an illegal cloning facility. I'm done with this crap.
21: Hold on to this, look it up on the Internet. You will see what I tell you is completely true. And take this. [A small cooler]
Dr. Venture: What's this—the world's most valuable cooler?
21: It's cloning material. It's 24's finger. It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him. You can keep that too, I guess. It's worth two low, low payments of $29.95.
Dr. Venture: [seeing Hank entering] Alright, get out of here. I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.
21: [passing Hank]] Sorry about the bad news, Highlander. Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.
Hank: Huh?
Dr. Venture: [handing Hank the comic book] If you're so excited about worthless garbage, you want this too?
Hank: Yeah, totally! [Takes the comic book out of the sheath, upon which the value and CGC rating begin decreasing] What? What's this crap? Where's Batman?
Brock: What're you gonna do, little man...woman?
Brock: I can cross "Stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.
Hank: Brock?
Brock: Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Handsome Ransom

[edit]
Dr. Venture: Shit! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide or we're gonna be on the news!
(Monarch is in Wonder Boy's costume which traumatize Captain Sunshine.)
Captain Sunshine: Take. That. Costume. Off!
The Monarch: Whats the matter Captain Fun Time? Isn't this what you always wanted?!
Captain Sunshine: What are you talking about?!
The Monarch: Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you can only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well come and get us!
Hank: Hey um, do you think maybe you could put in a good word for Batman for me?
Captain Sunshine: GET OUT OF MY SANCTUM SOLARIUM.
The Monarch: [Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!
Dr. Venture: What?! Since when do you arch for money?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Yeah, what are you doing?
The Monarch: Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!
The Monarch: And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.
The Monarch: We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?
The Monarch: I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.
Dr. Venture: Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.
Dean: Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]
Dr. Venture: All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...
The Monarch: I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!
Hank: Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.
Sgt. Hatred: Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!
Hank: Shut up, you're not the dad of me.
Dr. Venture: Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.
Hank: He’s not my bodyguard.
Dr. Venture: Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.
Sgt. Hatred: Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.
Dr. Venture: Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"
The Monarch: [Chuckle] Did you really?
Hank: Yeah.
The Monarch: I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?
The Monarch: Henchman 21, there's a taxi idling in the driveway awaiting his fare... slay him!

Perchance to Dean

[edit]
Dr. Venture: ([upon finding Dean passed out] Dean! Noooo! [picks up the headphones] Oh, my God, it's side two of Dark Side of the Moon! He's in a Floyd hole! Fill the tub up with ice, now!
UPS Worker: "Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!"
Hank: "Did my dad tell you to say that?"
UPS Worker: "Uhh no."
Hank: "Then... are you psychic?"
Dr. Venture: "Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining."
Dr. Venture: (After Aborted Dean hugs the C4 statue of Dr. Venture) Who the hell was that?"
Dr. Venture: (To the UPS Worker) "Hey! You know what 'Brown can do for me?' He can mind his own business!"

Return to Malice

[edit]
[The Monarch is confronted by the Pupae Twins/Murderous Moppets]
The Monarch: I'm only gonna say this once. I don't like you two, and if you ever - EVER - try to give me an order again, I will kill you both and feed your tiny, rotting bodies to the neighborhood dogs!...Now, what were you saying?
Tim-Tom: Er...have a nice walk?
[Monarch is outside 21's treehouse.]
[Knock Knock Knock]
Henchmen #21: What's the password?
The Monarch: I forgot... oh wait, I remember. I'm the fucking Monarch. Let me in. Now.
[Venture and Sgt. Hatred ride to the gates of Malice, they are next to a security guard robot.]
Guard Robot: You're gonna have to turn your vehicle around. This is a gated community.
Hatred: Yeah, I'm a pretty little flower. Like a prom date, maybe?
[Robot guard keeps saying, "This is a gated community."]
Hatred: Enjoy the silence, are you for supper?
[The robot starts to malfunction while still saying, "This is a gated community."]
Hatred: Turtles. Now let's go talk about little, breaded chicken fingers.
[The guard robot collapses on the car window.]
Hatred: Heh, robots. Programmed to answer over 700 different questions, none of which includes chicken fingers.

The Revenge Society

[edit]
Phantom Limb (Revenge): Welcome to alive, Dragoon [Councilman 8]. My name is Revenge.
Councilman 8: Your name is Phantom limb, you fucking lunatic.
Councilman 3: That's Phantom Limb? No wonder! He's like number one on the "Guild's Most Wanted" list. (sarcastic) Great. Now he's gonna kill us.
[Sgt. Hatred is crying in the bathroom]
Dr. Venture: [behind the bathroom door] I have a list of inappropriate behavior. #1: This! Don't do this!
Sgt. Hatred: What's #2?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I don't have a #2. I don't even have a list. Get out of the bathroom!
Billy Quizboy: Why can't I hear them?
Councilman 3: Because you are SANE.
Councilman 8: I'm staying in the car- We! WE are staying in the car.
Councilman 3: We haven't been outside in over 30 years. I'm old and I'm afraid of everything!
Councilman 8: I am worried the streets will be overrun with teenage gangs.
Councilman 3: Teenagers are cruel and will undoubtedly laugh and mock at us, because our trousers are not in style anymore.
Councilman 8: And we are two heads on one body, and that has never, ever been hip.
Phantom Limb (Revenge): And I can kill a man by simply touching him. Now what were your special powers again?
Councilman 8: It's in the safe, isn't it?
Councilman 3: I'll carry the boy bag!
Councilman 3: Two heads ARE better than one!
Councilman 8: What does that have to do with anything?
Councilman 3: Nothing, I've just been wanting to say that all day, I got sick of waiting for an opportunity!

Self-Medication

[edit]
Doctor: I think a good way to begin is to tell Rusty a bit about yourselves and your journey to the group.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Me first? Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder...
Lance Hale: No!
Doctor: Lance, wait your turn.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. (The Doctor prompts him to continue.) And...I have abandonment issues? More?
Doctor: Tell Rusty your name.
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Oh, well, that's a tricky one! The latest development in my caped crusade against Captain Sunshine's lawyers is that I get to keep most of the costume, but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonderboy when I appear in public.
Lance Hale: *cough* Mall openings! *cough*
Doctor: Lance...
Lance Hale: Our turn? Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.
Dale Hale: I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...
Lance Hale: (punches Dale in the arm) Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.
Action Johnny: Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you...
Lance Hale: For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!
Dale Hale: He did leave us that nice car...
Lance Hale: It's totally fuckin' cherry! But that is not the point, Dale, and don't interrupt me again, or I swear to God I will fuck you up...
Action Johnny: My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.
Dr. Venture: I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?
Lance Hale: So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so...that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.
Ro-Boy: I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.
(The boys look for their doctor's killer at Nightingale's. The Bouncer tries to intimidate them.)
Bouncer: Hey, Johnny.
Action Johnny: Hey, Francis. You're in my way, there.
Bouncer: You've been banned, Junkie! Get out before I throw you out!
Hero formerly known as Wonderboy: Hey, you mess with one boy adventurer, you mess with all of us!
(A crowd of bikers gather around them.)
Dr. Venture: I think they were hoping you'd say that...
Action Johnny: (noticing a cold sore on the Bouncer's lip.) Looks like you got a bit of herpey on your lip. You been kissin' your wife's ass? After I put herpey in there?
Action Johnny: Uh, hey, how those balls doin', Rust?
Dr. Venture: Ugh. Spirit is up and roaming, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.
Action Johnny: Trick or Treat, old man.
Dr. Z: Wh-what? Okay. Hold on. I didn't realize it was the 31st already. We have only some old Sourballs and Kraft Caramels.
Action Johnny: Cut the crap, Z!
Dr. Z: Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny. To what do I owe this pleasure? Come to steal an old man's medication, again?
Action Johnny: I think you know why we're here.
Dr. Z: Big, tough guy when you have your little friends with you, aren't you? Hello again, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: [Flatly] Dr. Z.
Action Johnny: Why'd you kill him Z? To get to me?
Dr. Z: I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!
Action Johnny: You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?
Dr. Z: [Dramatically] BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!
Dr. Z: Would you believe Mrs. Z is actually older than I?
Action Johnny: Hey, just like me and Rust. I’m the older one but he looks like he could be my dad.
Dr. Venture: That’s because you’ve got more chemical preservatives in you than a Twinkie. And don’t try and tell me that isn’t a weave
The Monarch: How was it?
#21: Better than first one. I like the second one a little better...
The Monarch: Yeah, that what they were saying on Ain’t It Cool.
#21: Yeah, all-in-all it's a fixing end to the trilogy, though.
Dr. Venture: ...well Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...
Action Johnny: Everybody did. But I’ve got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.
Young Rusty: Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I can be just be like a normal kid and go out and play with kids my own age and stuff. The only people I get to hang out with are grown-ups. The only time I get to leave the compound, is to go some place creepy like the Bermuda Triangle. And then I get kidnapped, by grown-ups. And I’m not even sure if I wanna be a super-scientist when I grow up anyway, but I feel all this pressure because of my fa.... It feels weird telling you all this stuff.
[While Young Rusty is talking he’s unaware of Jonas Venture sneaked into the room]
Jonas Venture: Remember Rusty, in here I’m your doctor not your father. Now lets get back to it shall we. You were telling me how you’re ungrateful for all the opportunities your father’s given you and you blame me for all your problems!

The Better Man

[edit]
Dean: Can I pet your pussy?
Triana Orpheus: [holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?
Dean: [patting the cat] No, it's soft. [The cat screeches and runs away] Your pussy hates me.
Dr. Orpheus: Tatyana, what are you doing here?
Master:[as Tatyana] I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for the OutRider, and how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh... it is you. My Master.
Master:[as Tatyana] Duh, Orpheus. Now what’s all this cry-baby crap about. Aren’t you used to the OutRider making you look like a shnooke by now?
Dr. Orpheus: He came out of a portal to the second-world. I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second-world, and he can move between them. Tell me Master how can this be?
The Master:[as Tatyana] The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus. I mean look at me, [Puts hands on breasts] and these are natural C cups. Aren’t they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these!
Dr. Orpheus: I doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
The Master:[as Tatyana] It doesn’t stop there; I’m sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager. What does she do pilates or something? You can rest a coffee mug on it.
Dr. Orpheus: Really, she’s almost forty by now!
The Master:[as Tatyana] Well, you tell it to the heinie Orpheus, because it still thinks it's 1992.
Dermott: Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?
Dean: Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.
Dermott: Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.
Hank: Wait, did you just give good advice?
Dean: I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.
Dermott: You can both blow me.
Dr. Orpheus:: We must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)
Jefferson Twilight:: Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.
Dr. Orpheus: Um, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?
Master Billy Quizboy: Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, he's closer! More like that.
The Alchemist: Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.
Jefferson Twilight: Gross. I see where this is going.
Dr. Orpheus: Quickly, Al, he's so close!
The Alchemist: Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!
Dean: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.
Triana Orpheus: You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.
[She kisses him]
Dean: Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!
Triana Orpheus: There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.
Dean: True.
The Alchemist: How did it go?
Dr. Orpheus: What are you doing in here?
The Alchemist: Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter’s closet that may not exist!
Dr. Orpheus: No he didn’t mention you. And it went like it always does, he tore away at my heart until he kicked me out.
Hank: Hey, can I ask you something? You’re gay, right?
The Alchemist: Yeah!
Hank: What’s it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?
The Alchemist: Hank!
Hank: Your dingus. Does it look real?
The Alchemist: What is kid-crazy talking about?
Jefferson Twilight: He thinks you're transgender.
The Alchemist: Hank, it looks real because it is real. I’m gay. It doesn’t mean I was born a woman. I have a regular dingus, as you say.
Jefferson Twilight: Hank, aren’t you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?
The Alchemist: Like just a little?
Hank: Yeah, constantly.
Jefferson Twilight: Torrid a dick. Who does that? Who opens up hell, honestly?
Dr. Orpheus: If Torrid gets the portal open we’re done for. Once the second-world comes through, we haven’t the power to stop them.
The Alchemist: I gotta be honest, I’m scared. I’m like a 9 scared. 9.3 maybe.
Dr. Orpheus: We should all be at 10. There isn’t a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizen of the second-world. I’m a 10.
Jefferson Twilight: If Orpheus is going Bo Derek then I'm pushing it up to 8.
Dr. Orpheus: I admire your bravery. Now are you ready to wage our final battle?
The Alchemist: What? Hell no. I have one more thing to try. [Yells at Torrid] Stop being a pud. Knock it off you dimbat. Nobody wants you to open a door to hell.
[ Cthulhu comes out of the portal and reaches for Torrid]
Torrid: No, no. I command thee!
[It grabs Torrid and throws him inside the portal]
The Alchemist: Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid. So, that happen.
Dr. Orpheus: The time is now. Triad join me. I am Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Jefferson Twilight: I’m a...
The Alchemist: I don’t wanna do that introducing ourselves bit, it’s goofy. Lets not die being goofy.
Jefferson Twilight: I’m with Al. Maybe we can sing a Stevie Wonder song together!
The Alchemist: Yeah, that’s not much better.
[Billy just finished operating on the OutRider’s head]
Billy Quizboy: It's out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad?
The Alchemist: Triad implies three. So...
Billy Quizboy: All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
The Alchemist: Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Triad, Special Brother Billy!
The Master:[as Future Dean] OK , listen: I’m the Master. I’m like your dad’s omission boss, so let me give you some advice. Get on with your life. You think anyone can just walk into to your closet and see me?
Triana Orpheus: Never would of thought of that!
The Master:[as Future Dean] It’s a regular closet to anyone without The Gift. I mean, you can start your training now, and seriously, you can make better money with this stuff than you can as the manager of The Gap.
Triana Orpheus: Yeah, my dad kinda wants me to go to art school.
The Master:[as Future Dean] Yeah, and get the world’s most useless diploma! Forget your dad, he’s just trying to save you from his life, not yours. Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training to be a sorceress. It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school!
Dr. Orpheus: Triad! Be unseen!
Jefferson Twilight: Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
Dr. Orpheus: No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
The Alchemist: Well be specific next time.
Jefferson Twilight: Score?
The Alchemist: 85%.
Jefferson Twilight: Get out! Where did I blow?
The Alchemist: Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.
Jefferson Twilight: That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!
The Alchemist: He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score.

Pinstripes & Poltergeists

[edit]
Dr. Girlfriend: Monstroso? That's what this is about? He's the king of the double cross. I mean, think about it, he's a lawyer and a super villian. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head.
#24: Seriously, ask me any question.
#21: Okay, what's the meaning of life?
#24: The color twelve.
#21: Really?!
#24: No, idiot! Ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork.
#21: Do we have souls?
#24: Yeah. Well, not quite souls but, it's a general idea. Everything has a soul.
#21: Crap. So I guess I should become a vegetarian?
#24: No. Like everything living has a soul. Even spinach. You can't win.
#21: Oh, so that's ... the problem.
#24: Here's something. You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their "soul"? It turns out you don't get a soul till' you're like one.
#21: So weird. One? Really?!
#24: Or maybe six months, I forget. Anyway, you're just this crying ... pooing ... monster blob till you get your soul.
#21: That's amazing, I should tell everybody! People need to know about this!
#24: Oh definitely, and maybe you should write it all down on a golden plate, or maybe get some aviators and a compound in Guyana-
#21: Okay, I get it. Dude, I barely believe you're real. I mean, if there were ghosts, they'd be freakin' everywhere
#24: Eh, not necessarily. You can only haunt someone you were close to, (voice echos) in life.
#21: And you chose me? Out of everything, you chose me?
#24: Uh, before you get all teary-eyed, I could only choose between you, and a cocoon that is constantly getting blown up.
#21: Still, you could've-
#24: Or Beth Seaton. But she's not fifteen anymore so she probably doesn't like me (voice echos again) "that way".
Col. Gathers: Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.
[Brock laughs]
Col. Gathers: What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?
Brock: You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.
Col. Gathers: Good god, why?
Shore Leave: For one, because it looks super-cool.
Col. Gathers: You’re an infant.
#21: 24? Hey, 24? Dude?
#24: Yes, my master. What is this, I Dream of Jeannie? What do you want?
#21: I need you to check the Venture Compound and deactivate the alarms.
#24: I’m not a poltergeist, I can’t move stuff. But I’ll take a look around if you do that thing for a couple of my new friends.
#21: Oh, come on! OK fine, quickly. I’m in a hurry.
#24: This is Speedy, you remember him, and this is President Woodrow Wilson. They bet me you couldn’t do it.
Woodrow Wilson: Velvet Hour!
#21: Kate Moss, easy.
#24: Still!
#21: Jennifer Lopez.
Speedy: Covet!
#21: Sarah Jessica Parker, and she also has Lovely, Twilight and Dawn. And a whole bunch more.
Woodrow Wilson: Astonishing, he’s like the Rainman of the celebrity signature perfume. UNSCRIPTED!
#21: Patrick Dempsey. I know it’s insane. And Tim McGraw and Carlos Santana also them.
#24: Alright you guys, I win. Looks like you have to tell Helen-of-Troy how awesome I am.
#21: Brock Samson, at last we meet.
Brock: Do I know you?
#21: Don’t pull that shit with me. [#21 displays his fighting acrobatics] I don’t know why you're here and I don’t care. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a year.
Brock: Boo!
[#21 hits Brock in the face]
Brock: Ah, very nice. Somebody's been training.
#21:This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike and meeting the cast of Firefly all-in-one. Let’s go. Come on Samson, bring it.
Brock: OK tubbs, let see what else you got.
[#21 kicks Brock but he blocks it and then hits #21 to the ground]
Brock: You didn’t think I was gonna take it easy on you, did ya?
#21: I was fucking praying you wouldn’t. You gotta bring it. BRING IT!

The Diving Bell Vs. The Butter-Glider

[edit]
The Monarch: [on King Gorilla] He looks like a gorilla suit with nobody in it—wearing David Byrne's Stop Making Sense suit.
#21: We are getting hammered out there! Sgt. Hatred does not share Brock's aversion to firearms, and now even their robot's packing heat! We need body armor.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, what's that you're wearing?
#21: I had to buy this myself online! I'm out-of-pocket an AT-AT Walker, two Greedos, and a Landspeeder. And not everyone here has Star Wars duplicates to sell on eBay. Half these guys weren't even born when Empire came out, and the rest are barely making minimum wage!
Henchman: You guys get paid?
#21: And another thing—retractable wings. I mean, this is ridiculous! These things are just big, clumsy, orange kill-me signs in the battlefield, and it's not like it's any better when we get back here. Every doorway in this cocoon is tapered at the arch.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, we're not changing any doors, but we'll take the wing thing under consideration.
#21: I have a better solution, and I've brought some visual aids. Big-screen! [A big monitor is lowered, giving the following presentation] Gentlemen, and lady, I give you the henchman of the future. The Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit. Made of flexible poly-alloy, they are lightweight, fireproof, and bulletproof. In keeping with our insect theme, the turbo-hydraulic exoskeleton increases the wearer's strength and agility tenfold. But it's not all about defense. The Mark-V also boasts an impressive array of offensive weapons, including grappling spears, gas-propelled rockets and 25-millimeter heat-seeking, fire-and-forget missiles all controlled via heads-up display built right into the state-of-the-art helmet.
Dr. Girlfriend: Which reminds me—people, I'm told you're using too much bandwidth, so if you're not using the Internet for official...
#21: Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey! Wait a minute! What about my Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit?!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh, come on, 21. If half that stuff even exists yet, it would cost a fortune.
#21: Well then why don't you send us out to rob a bank or ransom the moon or something! Aren't you guys supposed to be supervillains?
Dr. Girlfriend: We have a more...specialized practice. Look, we just can't afford it right now, okay?
The Monarch: [coming in on his "Butter-Glider"] Check out what I just bought!
The Monarch: Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?"
Sgt. Hatred: Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?
Master Billy Quizboy: You mean an MRI.
Sgt. Hatred: Oh.
Master Billy Quizboy: But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?
Hank: An aeronaut! And an armored bear!
Master Billy Quizboy: A submarine!
Hank: Also good.
Dean: We've got one—the X-3
Pete White: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old cliche.
Master Billy Quizboy: Cliche nothing! It is a classic!
Pete White: Innerspace is not a classic!
Master Billy Quizboy: That's, like, a great film!
Pete White: Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?
Master Billy Quizboy: They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!
Col. Gathers: No way! A thousand times no! I’m not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps!
Hank: Then when our dad dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?
Col. Gathers: No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion! Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?!
Brock: Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?
Col. Gathers: Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!
Brock: They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?
Dean: Sagittarius
Brock: Goooooood! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?
Hank: It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.
Sgt. Hatred: [pointing loaded gun at Billy and White] I MIGHT BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK! I am over-weight, over fifty, and I am speedballing tranq darts and pure adrenaline!

Pomp & Circuitry

[edit]
Phantom Limb: [To his two remaining invisible limbs] Armando...Legtenant Shankley...good to have you back!
Dr. Venture: Did you push State like I asked you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.
Dr. Venture: Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.
Master Billy Quizboy: Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.
Dr. Venture: What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Gaëtan Dugas.
Master Billy Quizboy: But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls. I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed anyway? Especially since, if I'm reading this right, Hank didn't graduate.
Dr. Venture: HANK!
Col. Gathers: Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by three with a minute left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?!
Hank: I want to join up with you guys!
Col. Gathers: Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!
Dr. Venture: If you were gonna jerk us around like this, then why the hell did you even agree to see us?
Dr. Willard Harris: Honestly?
Dr. Venture: That would be a nice change of pace.
Dr. Willard Harris: Because when my secretary told me a "Dr. Venture" was here to see me, I thought she meant your brother.
Hank: Yeah. I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.
Brock: Uh, Samson?
Hank: Lenny Kravitz. It's not all about you, you know?
Brock: Yeah.
[The Phantom Limb is restored to full health]
Phantom Limb: You've done it, Richard! You've replicated my original machine to a T! I'm whole again!
Prof. Impossible: [In supervillianous costume] The name's not Richard anymore, Hamilton. From now on, I'm Professor...Incorrigible!
Phantom Limb: Ooh...
Prof. Impossible: Professor...Indolent?
Phantom Limb: Ugh!
Prof. Impossible: Professor Infamous.
Phantom Limb: Mm...ah...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Indo-China!
Phantom Limb: They're all a bit...forced...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Inscrutable?

Any Which Way But Zeus

[edit]
Col. Gathers: It's downright reasonable. I could pole-dance better than half those women. Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.
Brock: Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.
Col. Gathers: Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.
Brock: Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad.
Col. Gathers: Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.
Brock: Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.
Col. Gathers: Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!
Brock: It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.
Col. Gathers: I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.
Master Billy Quizboy: I fought an 8 year old, and the only reason I won is he tripped into a spike. I had my eyes closed the whole time - until I heard an 8 year old dying on a spike!
Zero: Fight.
Master Billy Quizboy: [throwing down his shield] What is with you?!
Pete White: [throwing down trident] With me?! I do everything for you, fella!
Master Billy Quizboy: You boss me around like you gave birth to me!
Zero: [over the continued argument] Stop this fighting and fight one another! We wanna see you fight! Stop fighting and fight!
General Treister: One—in all reported cases, the abductor was Zeus, the Greek god of thunder and rock 'n roll. Yes, agents Kenan and Kel?
Red Mantle: We just want it on record that we don't like our code name.
General Treister: Noted.
General Treister: I want notes, lists and answers by the time I finish this here Juicy-a-Box! WARNING: I am Thirst-ay! And it is Fruit Punch! And it is Delicious!
[The Supervillians prepare to be fitted with an experimental power-negating device for the Summit]
Phantom Limb: ...Very well, but you may have to give me the shot in my derriere. Needles can't penetrate my electro-impalpable limbs!
Watch: 'Needles'. Yea good one. Try huge spikes.
[A gigantic torture-machine is unveiled, including a chair and hundreds of sharp steel spikes]
Ward: They're wonderful and frightening and they go into the sides of your neck and they replace all your blood!
Watch: You get your blood back at the end of the summit, unless that 'loss of life' thing happens. Then we send your next of kin a big jug of blood and a very nice card.
General Treister: Agent Matthew Perry! (pronounces the last name as "Purry")
Professor Impossible: ...I dunno. Hey...my arms feel like they have ants running around my bones. Fascinating...
General Treister: NOT AN ANSWER!
Pete White: I’m not gonna fight him, they can’t make me fight him.
Shore Leave: White you are such a sissy.
Pete White: I’m a sissy. You're calling me a sissy.
Shore Leave: Oh yeah, I get it. I’m out and proud and I’m the sissy. I’m brave enough to be who I am in the face of assholes like you, and I’m the sissy. Maybe when you come outta the closet you can walk a mile in my jimmy Choos.
Pete White: What?! I am so not gay.
Shore Leave: With that pink shirt and that oh-so-sad dye job.
Pete White: I’m a albino, and this is my lucky shirt. It was red when I bought it.
Shore Leave: I hope I fight you next. You BIG sissy.
OSI Agent: Change into these and proceed to the cavity search.
Col. Gathers: Cavity search my ass!
[Everybody looks at Hunter]
Col. Gathers: I mean... you know what I mean.
Brock: Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?
Shore Leave: Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.
Col. Gathers: You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?
Shore Leave: Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.
[Brock notices Tigershark staring him down.]
Brock: What the fuck are you looking at?
Tigershark: I’m Tigershark. I represent The Peril Partnership.
Brock: So what! The Peril Partnership is in like, Canada. How would I even know you?
Tigershark: Toronto! You broke my knees after I found you in bed with my wife.
Brock: [Laughs] Yeah, you had a little striped suit on. Hey I’m sorry brush, she told me that you were...
Tigershark: Gonna kill you.
[Tigershark lunges at Brock across the table but stops before he can reach him]

Everybody Comes to Hank's

[edit]
Hank: Oh yeah! I'm jealous that I don't get to go to New York dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no pay.
Dean: It's an internship, Hank. They pay you with experience and an impressive resume.
The Alchemist to Dr. Orpheus: Remember when your wife used to screw you without paperwork?
Dr. Orpheus: Oh nice language in front of the boy.
Hank: You hear alot in my line of work.


The Alchemist: Relax, I just wanna talk to you.
Dermott: I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.
The Alchemist: I'm not Mall Security.
Dermott: So who are you?
Hank: He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.
Dermott: You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?
The Alchemist: Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burbs and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?
Dermott: Ugh dude, no shit.
Billy Quizboy: So you've met Nikki? Nikki Fictel?
Hank: And how!
Billy Quizboy: Yeah, she's a looker, that one. Gams straight up to heaven.
The Alchemist: Let me ask you a question.
Dr. Orpheus: Sure.
The Alchemist: It's the...Bewitched question.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, yes. Why didn't Darrin let Samantha just make them magically rich so he wouldn't have to be a workaday whipping boy?
The Alchemist: Yeah. Where do you stand on that one?
Dr. Orpheus: I can't make you rich, Al.
The Alchemist: I don't want that. It's just that...you know how I can tell if people are telling the truth. It's one of my gifts. Hank has this case...
Dr. Orpheus: I've noticed you've been...palling around with the young lad.
The Alchemist: That kid knows how to have fun, Orpheus. You could learn something from him. Anyway, in this case we got going, everyone is telling the truth, and none of it adds up. I...I kind of wanna help him.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, we have these powers. They are a part of us, and we should never be ashamed or afraid to use them for good.
The Alchemist: So, you'd...
Dr. Orpheus: I would make Darrin filthy rich, turn Mr. Tate into a donkey, tell Endora to get a life, and blind that nosey Mrs. Kravitz!
Nikki: You remind me so much of him.
Hank: Ya daffy? Dean's just like my old man. I'm the black sheep of the Venture flock! I'm trouble!
Nikki: No, I mean you're like Rusty from the cartoon. Your dad's a scared little has-been, but you are just like the real Rusty Venture. So cool. So fearless and powerful. But trapped in the body of a young man.
Hank: Sounds like you're trying to seduce me. And this old Shamus can smell it when a chippy's pulling a flim-flam. What are you hiding!?
Nikki: Nothing! Well, I guess I'm hiding a huge crush on you.
Dr. Venture: What do you want me to card her? She said she was twenty!
Hank: Guess what? I had sex! Ta daa! What was it like? Okay.. its kinda like naked skydiving into a mountain of warm whip cream! Yes that good!
Hank: This is important. Get your ass to Mars!

Bright Lights, Dean City

[edit]
Prof. Impossible: Hot sandwich! You've murdered the Venture boy!.
Brown Widow: Shh, I understand; you can't talk. You need help, just blink twice if he's your pimp.
Dean: No, what? No, he's my dad.
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Keep to your own dimension from now on.
Dr. Venture: Fine. I don't even like your dimension, anyway. It's an asshole dimension. How do you like that?
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys! Look, you're the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can't just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money and a hit play on Broadway!
[After the Brown Widow saves Dr. Venture from the runaway cab]
Brown Widow: End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]
Dr. Venture: What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.
Brown Widow: Fucking tourist.
Phantom Limb: Now, gentleman, before we start reviewing potential candidates, you need to keep one thing in mind: SPAWM.
Baron Ünderbheit: That awful comic book!
Prof. Impossible: Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking?
Phantom Limb: Not SPAWN, S-P-A-W-M.
[The Revenge Society are surprised to see Dr. Venture]
Prof. Impossible: Great Scott, what is he doing here?
Phantom Limb: Well you're the one who was eavesdropping.
Prof. Impossible: He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he kept taking about "annie get your gun". You think it’s some type of code?
Baron Ünderbheit: He’s on to us!
Phantom Limb: You'er both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? Its opportunity knocking at our door. [Looks at Ünderbheit] Who disfigured you for life, and help Girl Hitler steal your throne? [Looks at Impossible] Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who. The very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek, and the battle for the ORB. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed itself its first assignment, kill Dr. Venture!
Prof. Impossible: What, like right now?

Assisted Suicide

[edit]
Dr. Orpheus: [grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?
Brock: Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
Dr. Orpheus: I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Shore Leave: Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
Brock: [removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
Shore Leave: And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
Dean: [dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Dr. Orpheus: Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
Brock: I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.
Dr. Orpheus: Do you feel that?
Eros: Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
Dr. Orpheus: No, that rumble. What is that rumble?
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eros: Eerie, isn't he?
Thanatos: Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
Eros: I hate those things. They're all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
Dr. Orpheus: They are his dead sons, forever haunting his subconscious mind.
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
Eros: He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
Thanatos: OK. Yeah that's cool.
Dr. Orpheus: I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?
Ego: You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
Eros: He's got to at least try to get some loving.
Ego: And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Thanatos: Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.
Hank: Are you okay? Dr. O said probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.
Hank: Wow. That's like a nightmare.
Dr. Venture: Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.

The Silent Partners

[edit]
Pete White: I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.
Brock: We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.
Pete White: Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.
Brock: Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.
Pete White: We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.
Col. Gathers: Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!
Shore Leave: SPHINX.
Col. Gathers: We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.
Mile High: I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.
Brock: I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.
SPHINX Agent: I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.
Shore Leave: Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.
Captain: Let's SET SAIL! (long pause)
Brock: Well...what are we waiting for?
Captain: We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!
Col. Gathers: [regarding the ship] What do you call her?
Captain: I call her Manny's Song.
Brock: Who's Manny?
Captain: Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.
Brock: Sad. Does she know how you feel?
Shore Leave: Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.
Captain: You're a liar!
Shore Leave: I can't believe they killed J.T.
Captain: I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.
Shore Leave: Yeah, I'm the liar, me.
Blond Dracula Bride: Where do you want us to bite you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I don't want to be bitten. Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?
Pete White: He's not my best friend. I just work with him.
Sgt. Hatred: And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.
Pete White: Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.
Sgt. Hatred: What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pete White: Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.
Sgt. Hatred: Starfucker.

Operation: P.R.O.M.

[edit]
Billy Quizboy: [as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: Did you have a date to your prom?
Billy Quizboy: I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.
Dr. Venture: Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.
Billy Quizboy: Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?
Dr. Venture: The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.
Billy Quizboy: Was she hot?
Dr. Venture: Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."
Billy Quizboy: Better than having your mom as your date.
Dr. Venture: It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR. [Into phone] Yes? Oh, lord, no, that's way too expensive. Uh, what about half-service? What about just a good-night kiss? On the lips? Cheek? Just a hug? Okay, four of that, two at half-service. [Billy starts waving at him] Wait. [To Billy] WHAT?!
Billy Quizboy: Just ask them! I'll pay extra.
Dr. Venture: [groans] Do you have costumes? ...Hawkwoman.
Billy Quizboy: Girl!
Dr. Venture: Hawk...girl.
#21: Whoa! Wait, you guys are the ones who kidnapped Monstroso?
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
#21: Aw, the Guild index is lit up over that guy. I can't believe you're holding him here.
Shore Leave: Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.
#21: Being clever?
Shore Leave: No, tough guy, we're running a Monstroso shell game and we're not sure where the red queen is.
#21: Decoys? Aw, man, we never do cool crap like that with the Monarch crew!
Shore Leave: Uh, because you guys suck.
Col. Gathers: What the hell happened here?
Agent Doe: That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.
Col. Gathers: That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!
Agent Cardholder: Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.
Agent Doe: GOD Emperor Doe!
Sgt. Hatred: Oh come on. Do I really have to get blood on my tux?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Service abandonment. Guild non-assail pact of 1958, paragraph 20, line 17 regarding employer's rights to a deserter
The Monarch: Yeah, here’s all the paperwork. Now step aside.
Sgt. Hatred: I don’t care if you have a note from Santa Claus, you are not getting in.
The Monarch: Ah-ah-ah! I have a little bargaining chip.
[Monarch bring in Princess Tinyfeet tied-up with ball-gag in the mouth]
Sgt. Hatred: Princess Tinyfeet! You untie her this instant.
The Monarch: Ahh, we didn’t tie her up.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: She’s way, way into the bondage thing. You want her back, you better start respecting her very strange needs.
Sgt. Hatred: My little beige bunny, is this true?
The Monarch: She insisted we drive her here in the trunk. She is a freak.
Dr. Venture: [nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture?
[She gets off his lap, slaps him and walks away]
Alchemist: Whoa! Denied! What was that about?
Shore Leave: Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!
Dr. Venture: What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.
Alchemist: Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.
Dr. Venture: What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!
Shore Leave: Uh, like, in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.
Dr. Venture: Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?
Shore Leave: Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.
Alchemist: How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.
Dr. Venture: No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.
Alchemist: That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.
Shore Leave: You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?
Alchemist: Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.
Dr. Venture: Stop it!
Shore Leave: You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.
Col. Gentleman: [answering his phone while doing a model of the USS Indianapolis on his dog's back] Hello? Oh, sure. I am the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!
Shore Leave: [hanging up] Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.
Alchemist: And?
Shore Leave: And the out-of-touch old windbag just described a Double Frog Man.
Alchemist: Ugh! Give me your phone.
Watch: [on other end] You? I told you, when your arch is terminated by a third party, it's not our problem! A what? Well, of course I do! It's when you fist a guy and then open up your hand inside his ass and grab—no, he's laying down. Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.
Ward: Wrong! The Rusty Venture is a straight move. Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner, but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick; so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and blow shit cum all over her back.
Watch: That's a Rusty Venture?
Ward: No, that's the Rusty part; the Venture part is when you eat that junk off her back without using your hands.
Watch: Are you getting this?
Alchemist: Yeah, I heard it. and you're both wrong. To settle a bet. Yes, with Shore Leave.
Triana: ...and it all just comes pouring out like somebody stepped on a Snack Pack. So after you find the turkey baster, you both eat your way out of the tub. That's what I heard, at least.
Dr. Orpheus: I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home, but I think I might need to give him a stern what-have-you.
Dean: What does she see in him?
Dermott: Who, her dad!
Dean: No, that Raven kid. Her boyfriend.
Hank: Oh, lets see now. He’s super handsome, I can say that, he’s got cool hair, cool clothes, and worse of all, he’s a cyborg.
Dean: No, I asked, she said that they’re just crutches.
Hank: Oh, even worse, that means he’s a cripster, dude. He’s rocking a hipster angle and a sympathy angle all-in-one. There’s no way you can compete with that.
Col. Gathers: Brando's got us on our bellies and he's reaching for the butter!
Prostitute: I'm gonna give you a Rusty Venture.
Brock: Don't believe the hype. A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much, your dick gets all red and sore.
Prostitute: Really?
Brock: Yeah, but I'll...let you give me an Action Johnny.
#21: I'm sick of this! I'm slightly drunk, I'm talking to the ghost of my fucking dead friend, I'm probably in love with you, so...yeah, whatever! I'm over it!
Monarch: You're "over it"?
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: You're in love with me?
Monarch: Whoa, wait. What?
#21: Yeah, we made out.
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: Well, that's a stretch. We got drunk, and maybe we kissed...
Monarch: Sure...where was I then?
#21: Where were you? You were there! We were on top of you! [The music stops] We made out on you!
Pete: Fight! There's a fight!
Monarch: So you had a drunken threesome! Join the fucking club! We're villains, you crybaby! We swing! I watched my wife suck Manta Claus dry and then make him breakfast!
#21: Is that true?
Dr. Mrs. the Monarch: Eggs and buttered toast.
#21: Wh...you guys are nuts! Yeah, great! [Flipping off everybody as he leaves] Fuck you! Fuck this completely crappy fucking excuse for a fucking prom!
Brock: Shore Leave, code red! We got a fox in the hen house and the jumbo eggs are gone!
Brock: I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.
Alchemist: [to Shore Leave as Brock runs after Molotov] You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?
General Treister: I have the pee-pee cancer, and there ain’t a thing on Earth anybody can do to fix me. Son, I'm fixing the shuffle of this mortal coil.
[Treister climbs in a torpedo tube]
Col. Gathers: Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?
General Treister: DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY’RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD.
Col. Gathers: What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you’re just gonna abandon it?
General Treister: Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol’ gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut off your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.
Col. Gathers: No, General, I’m not...
General Treister: I’ll do fine.
Col. Gathers: Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!
General Treister: Ain’t killing myself son. I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
[Molotov & Monstroso inside the limo hanging off a cliff]
Brock: Well well well, here we are again. How long are we gonna keep doing this Mol, till we’re old and gray, huh? Every year we pretend to try to kill each other. You know neither of us actually do it.
Molotov: Speak for yourself, Samson. [Reaches for her gun]
Brock: [Has the gun] Oh, looking for this?
Molotov: Hmm, we seemed to be, as you say, stalemate.
Brock: Not from where I’m sitting. Ah, give it up Mol. You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don’t know the first thing about duty or honor, or friendship, your just a cold-hearted mercenary BITCH. I’m tired spending my life chasing you.
Molotov: What if I told you it wasn’t for money this time. What if I told you that I've... changed! [Remove her chastity belt]
Brock: What, for real’s, or is this another one of your tricks?
Molotov: No Samson, it is the real thing.
[Brock & Molotov draws close to each other for a kiss but she stops]
Molotov: Nyet!
Brock: What! OH FOR GOD... COME ON, YOU SAID YOU’VE CHANGED!
Molotov: You misunderstand, Samson. I am, how you say, taken.
Brock: What, by who?
[Molotov looks at Monstroso (unconscious) in the backseat]
Brock: HIM! OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Molotov: It is like you say, “I’m a bad person”, and so is he. He is also rich, powerful and quite well endowed.
Brock: ARGH, alright, enough.
Outrider: You know, a wise man who's either Gurdjieff or Baba Oje once told me, "you can never step into the same river twice."
Dean: That makes no sense, sir.
Outrider: Triana really likes that boy and they're very happy together. And if you truly love her, you should move on and be happy that she's happy. Don't you think?
Dean: You know what I think? Fuck you!
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