Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place
Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998-2001), later Two Guys and a Girl, was a sitcom based around Sharon Carter, Peter Dunville (Pete) and Michael Bergen (Berg) and their lives after college. Season 2 onwards also featured the characters Johnny Donnelly, Ashley Walker and Irene, who arrived as love interests for the three main characters and gradually became part of the main ensemble.
- Sharon: What's up with him?
- Berg: He's breaking up with Melissa.
- Sharon: Good.
- Pete: What? I thought you liked her.
- Sharon: I lied!
- Berg: I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together!
- Pete: And?!
- Berg: And she never wants to see you again!
- Berg: Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today.
- Pete: Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be Philosophy majors.
- Berg: It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago.
- Pete: You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book!
- Berg: That's the wonder of me!
- Berg: Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh?
- Pete: I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today.
- Berg: Oh, boy! We have to be at work at three?
- Pete: China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong.
- Berg: Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing.
- Pete: Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out.
- Pete: Alright, you can't tell anyone.
- Berg: As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue.
- Pete: I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry.
- Berg: You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us.
- Berg: (to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting!
- Berg: Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this feisty young girl from Wisconsin!
- Bill: Don't talk into the food.
- Pete: I can't do this with you guys leering.
- Berg: I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble.
- Bill: I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work.
- Berg: This is harmless.
- Bill: Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop.
- Mr. Bauer: The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, huh, I'm a goner! Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do?
- Pete: You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!)
- Mr. Bauer: I shot the tank! And the shark blew up!
- Melissa: You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer.
- Pete: Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer.
- Mr. Bauer: (laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day!
- Melissa: Hey, Berg, what have you done to him?
- Berg: Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he shouldn't break up with you!
- Pete: No!
- Melissa: I don't believe you!
- Pete: No, I wasn't! He's evil!
- Melissa: He may be evil, but at least he's honest!
- Melissa: In ten years from now, when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your hair transplants, remember: you had a good thing here, and you blew it.
Women's softball team whoops and cheers.
- Pete: I don't believe it, she broke up with me! I just got dumped.
- Bill: Hee hee, boy did you ever! And in front of everybody, too!
- Bill: Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love.
- Sharon: You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart!
- Bill: Absolutely right.
- Sharon: Yeah, I'm motivated!
- Bill: Yes, you are.
- Sharon: I'm a people person!
- Bill: I got to go back and count my pepperonis.
- Sharon: I am! Aren't I, Berg?
- Berg: Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you.
- Sharon: Hey!
- Berg: No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you!
- Sharon: Jeez, you two fight like a couple of broads! Kick his ass, Pete!
- Pete: I can't, he's wearing my shirt.
- Mr. Bauer: You know, I was in love once. We shared a flat in France. Then the war came, all hell broke loose. Somehow I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub and she walked back into my life. But by then she was married. Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane!
- Berg: It's okay, Mr. Bauer. You'll always have Paris.
- Berg: 7.48: having used eight hundred times the normal daily recommended dose, now experiencing a side effect of feeling extremely honest and, uh, forthright. I've never been more afraid in my life.
- Berg: I did a bad thing.
- Pete: Who, Berg? Who did you do a bad thing to?
- Customer: Hey, can I see a menu?
- Sharon: It's a pizza place!
- Berg: There's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis, out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk! Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete! Enjoy it.
- Berg: That's why you have me.
- Pete: Are you gonna have my children?
- Berg: There is an experiment at M.I.T. next week.
- Pete: Hey, Berg, what do you think's gonna happen to Sharon?
- Berg: I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids--
- Sharon: (banging on window) Get your butts back in here!
- Berg: (fondly) --take over Cuba!
Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation
- Berg: Med-School is all about love and toys.
- Pete: As long as you're in it for the right reasons.
- Pete: What are you doing? I thought you were studying.
- Berg: I am.
- Pete: You're watching General Hospital!
- Berg: (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete.
- Sharon: Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder!
- Berg: Don't be mad at Pete!
- Berg: Pete, I gotta tell you--
- Pete: No, don't tell me now, I'm busy.
- Berg: Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it I'll be all grown up.
- Pete: Most architects, when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints. I am going to have a 12,000 square-foot resume.
- Berg: Man! You're gonna need one hell of a manila envelope.
- Berg: Socrates, meet Guy With Removable Brain! Removable Brain, meet Pete!
- Pete: Nice haircut!
- Bill: You know, Ellen and I always dreamed of having a son who becomes a doctor.
- Pete: Bill. What about an architect?
- Bill: Hey, I've already got a building. I need free medical!
- Berg: You have an ethical duty to tell the truth.
- Pete: Sharon, you work for a chemical company - you have no ethics!
- Pete: Wait, you're not actually going to listen to him?!
- Sharon: Well...
- Pete: Wait, this is Berg! The same guy who wanted to put a Bat-Pole between our apartments!
- Sharon: Yeah... But now he's a doctor!
- Pete: He's not a doctor!
- Pete: Am I the only one who knows what's going on here?
- Mr. Bauer: You are not alone, my friend! I was once the favorite, everyone looked up to me, and then along came the new kid on the block - Buzz Lightyear! Showing off all his fancy gadgets to all my friends; I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete?
Mr. Bauer slumps over. Berg walks past and pulls an imaginary pull-string on his back, and he straightens up again.
- Mr. Bauer: And then!
- Pete: Oh, God!
- Mr. Bauer: What do you know, I get thrown in the toy-box along with Potato Head and Slinky Dog. Huh! To Infinity and Beyond my ass!
- Berg: 5.46: My roommate has just ingested four hundred times the daily dosage in just under twenty seconds. This will most likely be fatal. (Turns voice recorder off, then on again.) For me.
- Berg: Listen, I might have poisoned my friend, and I need to know the side-effects. Yeah, it's a medical emergency. Hold- no, don't put me on hold! Don't put me on-- (singing) #and away! In my beautiful, beautiful... balloon!#
- Berg: So, possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and... I'm sorry? He may become delusional? Well, what the hell kind of side-effect is delusional!? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrhea?
- Pete: Okay, um, you're welcome. I mean, thanks. I mean, thanks for welcoming me.
- "Mr. Sulu": You're welcome.
- Pete: Thanks!
- Pete: My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern mininilism-- More modern mimilist-- Sorry! Um, a more minilist-- Well, just new and simple!
- Pete: Okay. (throwing his cards in the air and gesturing wildly) I see-- I see huge, crazy shapes! Right, and-and-and a giant-- a giant Jack-in-the-Box!
- "Mr. Sulu": A Jack-in-the-Box?!
- Pete: Yeah! Yeah, a giant Jack-in-the-Box, th-th-that'll pop up and great the visitors, it-it's coned head swaying two storeys high! And, oh! And it'll say something like, like, "Ha-ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!"
- Berg: Mr. Dunville has accidentally ingested a medication which is causing the delusional behaviour you're witnessing.
- Pete: I don't even know this guy, but look at the excitement that the Jack-in-the-Box is causing! It's infectious!
- Berg: You drank my alergesic medication. You're sweating, you're stammering, you're delusional!
- Pete: You don't know what I'm talking about, Berg, I'm just a little nervous.
- Berg: Oh yeah? Then what kind of museum has a huge... Jack-in-the-Box? And stupid voices going, "Ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!"
- Pete: A Children's Museum?
- Berg: ...what?
- Pete: This is for a Children's Museum, Berg.
- Berg: Ohh!
- Berg: So, I'm the one who's delusional!
- "Mr. Sulu": Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!)
- Pete: Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation!
- "Mr. Sulu": Yes, we're all aware of that.
- Sharon: (grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going.
- "Mr. Sulu": Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale?
- Sharon: Listen, pal, I've had a really bad day!
- "Mr. Sulu": Join the club!
- Sharon: Hey, you want a piece of me, huh?
- Berg: (Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress.
- Sharon: Berg!
- Berg: Klingons! (To Pete) Bones!
- Pete: Idiot!
- Sharon: Berg, get out here, right now!
- Berg: Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help.
- Berg: I screwed up big time.
- Pete: Finally! An accurate diagnosis.
- Pete: You're scared because you might finally care about something.
- Berg: Then why do I screw up?
- Pete: Because you're Berg!
- Pete: When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks.
- Berg: "Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job.
- Pete: I got the job? How can that be?
- Berg: It's right here: Loved your designs. Hate your friends.
- Pete: How come you didn't tell me they called last night?
- Berg: Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa!
- Berg: (Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man!
Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy
- Pete: (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack".
- Pete: Guys' night out.
- Sharon: I'm a guy!
- Berg: You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf.
- Berg: We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!"
- Bill: Exercising the First Amendment.
- Berg: When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man."
- Pete: I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie."
- Bill: What does Sharon do?
- Pete: Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!"
- Pete: Oh Berg, no more medical experiments.
- Berg: Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch.
- Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
- Berg: (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue!
- Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
- Pete: Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office!
- Berg: Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, soda? Come on!
- Pete: Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath.
- Pete: Berg? Berg, do you notice something different about our Sharon?
- Berg: No, nothing. Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck.
- Sharon: I gotta get to work.
- Berg: Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse?
- Pete: Or House of Scarves.
- Berg: Scarf Depot!
- Pete: Jiffy Scarves!
- Berg's Sneakers: Nothing can stop you! You're a winner!
- Berg: 8:40! Firm arch support and emotional support.
- Pete: I never thought I'd say this, but-- Mr. Bauer makes sense. (Berg looks confused.) Not that we're pods!
- Berg: We're gonna have to be--
- Pete: No, no-no-no, don't say it!
- Berg: --mature.
- Pete: Oh, there, you said it.
- Berg: I got stamps. Legends of the Rodeo: a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era.
- Pete: What's wrong with you?
- Sharon: Thanks a lot! I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go turn him into a husband!
- Berg: We were being mature!
- Sharon: Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game
- Melissa: Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead.
- Sharon: Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary.
- Pete: We're playing the Bulls!
- Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team.
(Sharon just found out about the stolen banner)
- Berg: She knows.
- Pete: She does?
- Berg: Act dumb.
- Pete: "We are dumb.
(They go over to Sharon)
- Sharon: Are you guys nuts?
- Berg: I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels.
- Pete: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment
- Berg: So what am I supposed to do?
- Sharon: Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg.
- Berg: No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her?
- Pete: You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else.
- Sharon: Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change.
- Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
- Berg: No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
- Sharon: So? He likes his privacy.
- Berg: Yes, because he's a serial killer!
- Berg: How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man!
- Berg: You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team
- Pete: Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place.
- Bill: Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses.
- Pete: But they made the headlines.
- Bill: For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three.
- Sharon: All right girls, let's hit the cages.
- Bunny: Oh, I don't feel like dancing.
- Sharon: The batting cages.
- Sharon: You expect me to play with a team of chicks?
- Madeleine: Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College.
- Leanne: I play for Florida State.
- Bunny: And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'.
- Berg: I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop.
- Sharon: Even pitcher?
- Berg: Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery
- Pete: Who are you to tell me what I need?
- Berg: I'm your doctor.
- Pete: You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor.
- Pete: Where do I meet this rebound girl?
- Berg: I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you?
- Berg: (to Pete) Where you going?
- Pete: To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you.
- Pete: Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar?
- Berg: Don't make me get my anatomy book.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Party
- Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
- Pete: Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate.
- Berg: I think I really like her.
- Pete: Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet?
- Berg: And what is up with that?!?
- Bethany: I wouldn't miss it for anything.
- Berg: Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold?
- Bethany: I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant.
- Berg: I love a girl with a plan.
- Pete: Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?
- Berg: You get better presents.
- Pete: I don't want to be 30.
- Berg: Act your age.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter
- Pete: You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg.
- Berg: Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn!
- Berg: Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side!
- Pete: I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning!
- Pete: Why aren't you at work.
- Sharon: It's toxic Awareness day?
- Pete: I can't just jump into spontanaeity
Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery
- Pete: I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal.
- Berg: I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women.
- Sharon: Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'.
- Berg: They have an excellent wine list.
- Berg: This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use?
- Isabella: My naked body.
- Berg: Really? Because we need our apartment painted.
- Berg: I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics.
- Pete: Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session.
- Berg: That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me.
- Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.
- Berg: I never...want to forget you said that.
Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met
- Pete: This girl is a nightmare.
- Berg: She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her.
- Pete: Me too!
- Pete: She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled.
- Berg: Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked.
- Sharon: Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!”
- Berg: After you have a drink with us.
- Sharon: I can't drink.
- Berg: Then why are you in college?
- Bill: Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon?
- Berg: She's Sharon.
- Bill: What's that got to do with anything?
- Berg: Pete, explain it.
- Pete: She's Sharon.
- Berg: These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing.
- Berg: Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major.
- Pete: Russian Economics.
- Berg: Phew, glad that's over with.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad
Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord
Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better
- Berg: See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together.
(Holding up a dress.)
- Sharon: What about this one?
- Pete: Hooker.
- Sharon: High class or street?
- Pete: Jerry Springer.
- Berg: See something you like?
- Ashley: Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back.
- Berg: All they do is study, they're pathetic.
- Pete: Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it.
- Sharon: Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face.
- Berg: Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet.
- Sharon: True, but we're number one at it.
- Pete: Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more.
- Berg: Or, find out who is number one and take them down.
- Pete: Yes, you're maturing nicely
- Berg: Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number.
- Girl: No you can't.
- Berg: Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down.
- Pete: So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan!
- Berg: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
- Pete: Does it show?
Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation
- Pete: You da Bomb!
- Sharon: Where did he learn that?!
- Berg: I just, don't know!
Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo
- Pete: Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life.
- Berg: He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on.
- Berg: What is wrong with you?
- Sharon: I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em!
- Berg: Ashley, what are you doing here?
- Ashley: Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties.
- Sharon: I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them.
- Pete: You didn’t make the window again, huh?
- Sharon: No, third row.
- Sharon: What happened to your hand?
- Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
- Sharon: That’s the best you could come up with?
- Berg: It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’
- Berg: A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party.
- Pete: Don’t tell me you slept with her.
- Berg: Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story.
- Nicole: Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed.
- Berg: Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it?
- Nicole: No.
- Berg: ‘Hinden’?
- Nicole: I’m not touching it.
- Berg: ‘Whoopi Gold’?
- Berg: What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?”
- Sharon: You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf.
- Berg: Holy incompatability, Batman.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming
- Tim: I’m a stock broker now.
- Pete: You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant.
- Pete: Oh Berg this is heaven.
- Berg: I always knew heaven would have an open bar!
- Johnny: Unlike you I’m proud of what I do.
- Tommy: You’re not happy being a stripper?
- Johnny: Tommy!
- Sharon: You told him I was a stripper?
- Tommy: Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’
- Sharon: And when it rains he gives me his jacket.
- Deb: Rick gives me his jacket too.
- Sharon: Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic.
- Pete: Do you remember life before the luxury box?
- Berg: Only vaguely.
Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective
- Pete: Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park!
- Berg: You know in real life it’s much bigger.
- Berg: So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions?
- Pete: Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book.
- Berg: If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox?
- Sharon: Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part.
- Pete: And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.)
Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween
Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship
- Berg: How was your first shift without me?
- Ashley: Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding
- Pete: Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat.
- Johnny: I already have a tux.
- Berg: Of course for the jukebox repairman awards.
- Ashley: You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy?
- Berg: I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival.
- Ashley: It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a…
- Berg: You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash?
- Ashley: No Berg, I have a boyfriend.
- Berg: I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles.
- Sharon: Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment.
- Pete: The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me.
- Berg: Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you?
Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford
- Sharon: You waltzed with her?
- Pete: And a couple of tangos.
- Sharon: And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker!
- Sharon: Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’
- Ashley: You make me feel, you make me feel…
- Berg: Like dancing?
- Berg: How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes.
- Sharon: Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks.
- Berg: Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics.
- Berg: Ashley! Ashley!
- Ashley's neighbour: Will you shut up?
- Berg: Do you mind? This is a private conversation.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving
- Sharon: Wow. Thanksgiving at my place.
- Johnny: Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better.
- Sharon: I have to cook?
- Pete: (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window!
Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo
Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story
Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble
Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal
Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation
- Sharon: I can't retake freshman English again!
- Pete: Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.'
(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)
- Berg: She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this.
- Pete: (chuckling) We never will.
- Berg: She must never find out what happened that day.
- Pete: And she never will.
- Pete: [imitating Robin Leach] What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did.
- Sharon: Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze.
- Berg': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college....
Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day
- Berg: (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning!
- Irene: I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out.
- Sharon: Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!
- Berg: Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season.
- Shaun: That reminds me, I'd better get out of these clothes before the mud dries and they have to hose me off.
- Berg: (laughing) There are so many wonderful things about THAT sentence.
- Johnny: Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off.
- Shaun: Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time.
- Berg: (confused) We did? (Shaun kisses Berg), Hey look at that, we did.
- Berg: You see? This woman is shameless -- shameless, wearing sexy dresses and making me special food.
- Pete: You're right. You're right. If she tries to make Johnny any more jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her.
- Berg: Unless you learn to be happy for them it's just going to eat away at you until you become an angry, bitter yet incredibly beautiful woman.
Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1)
- Berg: Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered.
- Vanita: Read the little print
- Berg: Re-built in 1994
Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2)
- Ashley: I hate you!
- Berg: I despise you!
- Ashley: I loathe you!
- Berg: I'can get us a room!
- Ashley: I can drive!
- Berg: You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship!
- Ashley: I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship!
- Vanita: Come on, we're all adults here.
- Berg: No, you're pretty much the only one.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter
- Sharon: I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg.
- Ashley: Well, why do you think I'm here?
- Sharon: According to the Bible, to balance good.
- Pete: Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you.
- Ashley: I see they left behind a munchkin.
- Pete: All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key.
- Sharon: Me too.
- Pete: What were you gonna do?
- Sharon: Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You?
- Pete: I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser.
- Sharon: Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that.
- Pete: He's my best friend.
- Pete: Ashley, how did you get in here?
- Ashley: Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack.
- Pete: A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist.
- Pete: If you're gonna wait, wait over there.
- Ashley: Fine.
- Pete: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island.
Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day
Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies
- Sharon: Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about?
- Pete: Do you have an interest in witchcraft?
- Pete: Oh Ashley I like your perfume.
- Ashley: Thanks Pete.
- Pete: What is it? Brimstone?
Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1)
- Ashley: The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.”
(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)
- Berg: How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?!
- Pete: I know, I feel terrible about Johnny…
- Berg: I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me!
- Ashley: Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming.
- Berg: Damn! Stall!
- Ashley: Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out)
- Pete: She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray.
(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)
- Berg: Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor?
- Pete: She’s in love with Johnny.
- Berg: Who says she can’t be in love with you too?
- Pete: You!
- Berg: It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend.
- Ashley: And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship?
- Berg: Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms!
- Ashley: We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes.
- Berg: So what, you changed your mind before the wedding?
- Ashley: No.
- Berg: Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset.
- Berg: You’re going to propose?
- Johnny: Yeah.
- Berg: Do you know all her family lost their money?
- Johnny: I don’t care.
- Berg: Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney?
- Johnny: I love her.
- Berg: Congratulations! Her family is loaded!
- Berg: Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass!
- Johnny: You two are going to kick my ass?
- Pete: We have friends.
A New Hope (2)
Au Revoir Pizza Place
- Sharon: Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.'
- Pete: Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.
- Sharon: Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.
- Johnny: Good luck finding a card for that.
Teacher's Pet Peeve
- Ashley: What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny?
- Pete: You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses.
- Dr. Peel: Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon.
- Berg: Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him!
- Pete: Ashley patched it up for me.
- Dr. Peel: Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly?
- Berg: Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete.
- PA Announcement: Dr. Bergen report to the OR.
- Berg: If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save.
- PA Announcement: And bring a mop.
- Dr. Peel: Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing?
- Berg: But, you don't have any of the other residents do that.
- Dr. Peel: No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque!
- Ashley: Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before?
- Pete: No.
- Ashley: Huh, interesting timing
- Berg: John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard!
Sunday in the Apartment
- Pete: This is really important to me. I’m making good money now.
- Johnny: Money isn’t everything.
- Pete: Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say.
- Ashley: I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table.
- Pete: Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own.
- Pete: I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks.
- Ashley: Where’s Irene?
- Pete: I ditched her at the theatre.
Halloween 2: Mind Over Body
- Berg (holding up dishes): Brains; eyeballs.
- Sharon: Berg, you work at a hospital. You couldn't have gotten real eyeballs?
- Berg: Well, I tried, but a blind kid beat me to 'em.
(screaming is heard outside the door, Pete opens the door and sees Irene)
- Pete: Irene, you were screaming!
- Irene: Oh, yeah, I must have been thinking out loud. Guess what I am.
- Ashley: A danger to yourself.
(Ed and Johnny bring a cooler into the apartment)
- Johnny: Ok, just a little farther. Lucky I ran into you, you're a lifesaver.
- Ed: Oh, I'm a people person. (sets down cooler) You know, if you're going to freeze yourself, you're going to need a lot more dry ice than that.
- Johnny: No, it's for the punch bowl.
- Ed: Oh, then you're fine.
- Johnny: So, um, what do you do?
- Ed: I don't think you'd be interested, it's kind of cerebral.
- Johnny: I don't know, I'm a pretty open-minded person.
- Ed: Well, maybe I could come back later to pick your brain.
Berg's New Roommate
Liver and Learn
A Moving Script
Out with the Old
- Pete: This century's gonna suck!
- Robert Goulet: (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know.
- Irene: (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats!
The Monitor Story
The Wedding Dress
- Sharon: When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things.
- Pete: Well . . . you have Johnny.
(Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal)
- Johnny: How many years of school have you had?
- Ashley: A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school.
- Johnny: And yet you are going to die in a sink.
- Berg: Look at all the women I'm not going to marry.
- Pete: (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident
- Sharon: Quick! Do something!
- Berg: What?
- Sharon: Throw Pete through the window!
- Johnny: You would look great if you showed up in overalls.
- Sharon: Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'.
- Pete: Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you.
- Berg: Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special.
- Sharon: (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good!
- Ashley: I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing.
A Rookie Script
- Berg: I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit.
- Berg: Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight?
- Pete: I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids.
- Germ: Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor?
- Ashley: Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day?
- Pete: I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out.
- Sharon: Everything has to go.
- Berg: But what if butt ugly comes back into style?
- Sharon: Ashley has a new boyfriend?
- Berg: Who is he?
- Irene: I don't know.
- Berg: Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble.
- Berg: Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me.
- Ashley: (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie!
- Irene: Oh, thank you!
- Ashley: Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too)
- Berg: Oh, and she's just a little creepy!
Feast or Fireman
- Berg: Pete, what are you doing here?
- Pete: I just had a physical.
- Ashley: So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you.
- Sharon: I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening.
- Ashley: That’s the Demerol.
- Berg: Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.”
- Germ: Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown.
- Pete: I’m going to be a fireman.
- Berg: Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school.
- Ashley: My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections.
- Berg: Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it.
Once Again From the Beginning
- Berg: Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.'
- Pete: And he wrote that in only two days.
- Pete: My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards.
- Berg: She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway.
- Pete: You can't prove he didn't
- Ashley: You are so funny, is it the celibacy?
- Pete: That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you.
- Berg: Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks!
- Ashley: Hey, what's going on?
- Pete: I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames!
- Pete: Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders?
Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette
Another Moving Script
- Berg: (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room!
El Matrimonio Loco
- Ashley: Where's your idiot roommate?
- Berg: The village recalled him.
- Pete: Berg, everything I have to say to you, I can say with one finger.
- Irene: Excuse me Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance
- Johnny: OK, Irene, this is really not a good time.
- Irene: But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in the lease agreement. It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building and Pete's girlfriend is a whore.
- Robert Goulet: (to Pete and Berg) Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen...can we just get on with THEIR wedding? I mean, uh, we'll marry you guys later -- when it's legal.
- Irene: All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed
- Berg: You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene?
- Irene: Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was?
- Irene: Good morning.
- Berg: Good morning.
- Irene: You want breakfast?
- Berg: No thank you.
- Irene: You want to get the hell out of my bed?
- Berg: Yes please.
- Berg: Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are.
- Irene: Because of Pete?
- Berg: Sure. why not.
- Ashley: I came down to change your bandages.
- Pete: Why, do they need changing?
- Ashley: No I just need cheering up.
- Johnny: Don’t you’ll make me cry.
- Sharon: Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump!
- Ashley: (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place.
- Pete: (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon.
- Germ: I don't have the address.
- Pete: Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there.
15 Minutes of Shame
The Satanic Curses
Berg: Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other.
Berg: Pete and Marty just broke up. Irene: Get out! Berg: Serious! Irene: No,no! GET OUT!
A Germ Runs Through It
- Germ: (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know.
- Ashley: Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse.
- Berg: If you are about done I could use a break.
- Ashley: How many times have you told Irene that?
- Berg: I really wish you would stop making jokes about it.
- Ashley: And how many times have you told Irene that?
- Ashley: OK, you've had your fun now get off me.
- Berg: Boy does that bring back memories.
- Sharon: I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days.
- Carpenter: I'm sorry, is he disabled?
- Johnny: I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in.
- Sharon: Well dig him up, you need help.
The One Without Dialogue
My Dinner with Irene
- Irene: Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you
- Pete: I can honestly say I didn't see this coming
- Sharon: (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend.
- Johnny: My wife is on a date with another woman.
- Berg: Sweet.
- Johnny: So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together?
- Berg: No, I didn't want to ruin their date
- Johnny: Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants.
- Ashley: And the forks are for eating, not scratching.
- Johnny: How could you stand being around Ashley?
- Berg: She let me sleep with her.
- Pete: I don't think I'll be good company tonight.
- Irene: You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company.
- Pete: You're picturing that right now, aren't you?
- Pete: Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do
- Irene: Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things!
- Sharon: I can take care of myself.
- Johnny: Yes but you just don't.
- Johnny: I always thought you and Irene made a better couple.
- Berg: Really?
- Johnny: Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her.
- Berg: What's that?
- Pete: Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!"
- Pete: What the hell are you doing in my bed?
- Berg: (sarcastically) Jogging.
- Pete: Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is.
- (Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed)
- Berg: Hello
- Ashley: Uh, Who is this?
- Berg: Well you called me, who do you think?
- Ashley: Berg!?
- Berg: Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No!
- Ashley: Berg, What are you doing in my apartment?
- Berg: I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack.
- Sharon: C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers.
- Johnny: Are you making fun of my parents?
- (Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home)
- Johnny: (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry.
- Berg: Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7.
- (Johnny points a camera at Pete)
- Pete: Where did you get that thing anyway?
- Johnny: I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife.
- Sharon: Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny)
- Berg: How can you afford it?
- Sharon: Go on. Tell 'em honey.
- Johnny: I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays.
- Berg: (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse.
- Johnny: Ashley, you can't leave like this.
- Ashley: Okay, well thank you Johnny.
- Johnny: Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share.
- Ashley: (putting down some money) Fine. Here.
- Johnny: Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine.
- Ashley: Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any.
- Berg: Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents.
- Sharon: Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking?
- Berg: Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe.
- Berg: Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows.
- Pete: Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys.
- Pete: (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice.
- Berg: Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket.
- Pete: Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess.
- Johnny: Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice.
- (Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice)
- Pete: Great, now your wallet's out there.
- Johnny: Alright I need a stick.
- Berg: I don't think a stick's going to reach that.
- Johnny: No, to hit Pete.
Burning Down the House
- (Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley)
- Berg: So... Stanley...What do you do for a living?
- Stanley: I teach high school English.
- Berg: That's very respectable. Where do you live?
- Stanley: Over on Newberry.
- Berg: Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive?
- Stanley: I have a minivan.
- Berg: Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else.
- Berg: Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble.
- Johnny: Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire.
- Pete: Oh really, Where were you last night?
- Johnny: I was at my Mother's.
- Pete: Your mother's? What were you doing there?
- Johnny: Drinking
- Pete: Drinking at your Mother's house.
- Johnny: She's hard to take.
- Pete: So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story.
- Johnny: Who?
- Pete: Your Mom?
- Johnny: What are you doing with my Mom's phone number?
Give Mommy a Kiss
- Sharon: (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down.
- Johnny: (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery.
- Sharon: Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing.
- Johnny: Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there.
- Sharon: Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need?
- Johnny: No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite.
- (Johnny grabs the phone)
- Johnny: Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny.
- (Johnny puts the phone down)
- Johnny: (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm.
- Johnny: (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section
- Ashley: (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar.
- Johnny: Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault.
- Ashley: Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact.
- Johnny: You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock.
- Ashley: Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that?
- Johnny: I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'.
- Ashley: Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce.
- Johnny: No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me.
- Ashley: I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial channel. The merger went through you doubled your money.
- Johnny: Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me?
- Ashley: I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. You're a rich man Johnny.
I've Got a Secret
- Irene: How could you do this to Berg?
- Pete: If anyone, I thought you would understand.
- Irene: Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch
- Pete: Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal.
An Eye for a Finger
A Few Good Firemen
- Ashley: Germ, I demand you retake this picture! ... Can you help me?
- Germ: No! It's a camera, not the hand of God!
Adventures of Captain Karma
- Ashley: Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me.
- Pete: If you were anyone else maybe I would be.
- Berg: I told Irene that I love her.
- Pete: Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked.
- Pete: I hate romantic comedies.
- Ashley: Why? Your whole love life is a joke.
- Sharon: We are going to a business mixer tonight.
- Johnny: I don't want to go to a business mixer.
- Sharon: Sorry, I meant 'free booze.'
- Katie: Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen!
- Berg: And you're...someone who knows me!
- Katie: In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did.
Make Mine Tea
- Pete: You said wear black.
- Sharon: I said wear something that blends in.
- Pete: This does blend, I am the night!
- Berg: My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here.
- Ashley: What was that?
- Berg: 'Shut up Ashley.'
- Ashley: Who was that?
- Berg: Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her.
- Berg: I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music?
The Love Boat
- Ashley: Would you do me a favor?
- Pete: Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick.
- Sharon: Why don't you ask Pete?
- Ashley: What if he already has plans?
(Both burst out laughing at the idea.)
The Icewoman Cometh
- Ashley: I need to talk to you.
- Pete: Can't you come back when I'm not here?
- Pete: Today I almost died.
- Ashley: Underachiever.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- Ashley: Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed.
- Pete: You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college.
- Ashley: I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before.
- Pete: Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth."
- Roger: My insides are something special.
- Berg: Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out.
- Ashley: We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass.
- Pete: OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country.
- Ashley: I wasn't exactly popular in high school.
- Pete: Really?
- Ashley: People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid.
- Ashley: I never knew you'd be such a good lover.
- Pete: Yeah and imagine me with a good partner.
- Ashley: Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner.
The Internet Show
- Pete: Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn?
- Berg: Pete I need a favour.
- Pete: Sure.
- Berg: Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine?
- Pete: Why, are we out?
- Ashley: I am definitely not pregnant.
- Johnny: How do you know?
- Ashley: Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not.
- Johnny: That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby.
- Johnny: Oh, so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill.
- Pete: What?!
- Johnny: Easy! She isn’t pregnant.
- Pete: How do you know?
- Johnny: She says she doesn’t want to be.
- Ashley: I’m not pregnant!
- Johnny: If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy.
- Ryan Reynolds - Doctor Michael Eugene Leslie 'Berg' Bergen
- Traylor Howard - Sharon Donnelly (née Carter)
- Richard Ruccolo - Peter 'Pete' Dunville
- Nathan Fillion - Johnny Donnelly
- Susanne Cryer - Doctor Ashley Walker
- Jillian Bach - Irene