- Too funky for myself.
- Ja mon, rasta!
- Your body's slammin'. Let's get to jammin'.
- Who the hell are you, woman?! You're the Grim Reaper, ain'tcha?! I don't wanna go to hell!
- Holy Motown!
- Caucasian overload! Caucasian overlord!
- It's time to say goodbye to Anton Jackson... and say "what it is" to Undercover Brother.
- There's times for falling apart, and there's times for gettin' funky. This is one of those funky times!
- You mess with the 'fro... you got to go.
- Let me tell you something about the word "good", brother. "Good" is an ancient Anglo-Saxon word "Go-od" meaning "absence of colour", i.e. "It's all Good" which it is, or "Good Will Hunting", meaning, "I'm hunting niggers". So when you say "Good Morning" to me, what you're really saying is "I'm going to kill your black ass first thing in the morning"!
- Hey, look out, black man, he's got a gun! (gunshot) I'm hit, but my vest caught it, bitch!
- Oh, shit! It's Macy Grey with pork chop sideburns!
- The computer! Another idea stolen from the black man!
- I never trusted that Colonel. Slaves cooked that chicken! Ain't no white man know about no sixteen herbs and spices and giblets!
- Jesus Christ, black man. Babe Ruth, black man. Madonna... sleeps with black men.
- Oooh, right up the pooper!
- Gimme a pillow case. I'm joinin' the Klan!
- "Atomic core", eh? Let's see what this so-called button does.
- You're so sweet. And cute, too, in a Theo Huxtable kind of way.
- A girl needs friends, Anton. Would you like to be my friend?
- They look at you and all they see is a threatening black man. They look at me and all they see are my full breasts and my narrow waist that tapers to my pert backside. It's just not fair.
- It's time to release our secret weapon. I call it... Black Man's Kryptonite.
- Little by little we're blending and merging until one day we're all going to be one united people, living and working and dancing together like the news, or Ally McBeal, or the people that work at Saturn! And we've gotta stop it before it's too late!
- Everything is "A party over here!" with you people, isn't it?
- Always trying to shut the white man down.
- I owe all of you a huge apology. I was watching this program... maybe you've seen it. It's called "Roots"?
- Let me talk to them. I'm white. [to guards] We don't want any trouble.
- I... am not... a SISSYYYYYYYYY!!
- The Man: First our children hip-hop all over the suburbs, and now Boutwell might be president! They are taking over every aspect of our culture!
- General Boutwell: I want you... to buy my new fried chicken.
- Security Robot: Blackness confirmed. You got soul.
- The Chief: This is a great day for black people of all races.
- Sistah Girl: What the hell?
- The Chief: What the hell?
- Conspiracy Brother: What the f...
- Undercover Brother: Damn it woman, will you just back off?
- Announcer:[over PA speaker] Attention, angry black man in khakis.
- The Chief: If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd have asked his skinny black ass!
- Conspiracy Brother: HA! IN YOUR FACE! Ha-ha, skinny black... Hey!
- [There is an unexpected knock at Mr Feather's office door.]
- Mr. Feather: Who's there?
- Undercover Brother: Kung.
- Mr Feather: Kung Who?
- Undercover Brother: Kung FU!!
- The Chief: Son, you talk a lot of shit.
- Lance: Yes, I do.
- The Chief: But you down.
- Smart Brother: [On General Warren Boutwell running for president] I wonder if he'll run as a Democrat or an Independent.
- The Chief': Never know. Might be a Republican.
- Conspiracy Brother: Please. What kind of self-respecting black man would run as a Republican? Name one thing the Republican party has done for black people. One!
- Smart Brother: Well, they were the party of Lincoln. They stood against the tyranny of oppression by leading the call for the Civil War and forced passage of the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed the slaves.
- Conspiracy Brother: All right, name two things lately.
- The Chief': Is that that damn Undercover Brother?!
- Conspiracy Brother: You in trouble.
- The Chief': Where the hell have you been?!
- The Chief': This is a job, not some kind of damn summer camp! And I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your sorry ass!
- Undercover Brother: Because I Don't work for you?
- The Chief': SHUT UP!
- White She-devil: Oh, Undercover Brother, you're too much man for me!
- Undercover Brother: Baby, sometimes I'm too much man for my own damn self.
- White She-devil: Once you've been with Undercover Brother, there is no other.
- Conspiracy Brother: No, it's once you go black, you don't go back.
- Undercover Brother: You know what they say, behind every great black man...
- Conspiracy Brother:...Is the police.
- Undercover Brother: No.
- Smart Brother: A bunch of slow white athletes?
- Undercover Brother: No.
- White She-devil: A cute butt.
- Undercover Brother: No.
- Lance: Probable cause.
- Undercover Brother: NO!...A strong black woman.
- All: Oh.
- Undercover Brother: [as Anton Jackson] Where I come from, we like to pronounce our "e"'s and "r"'s.
- Conspiracy Brother: "E"'s and "r"'s, huh? I be thinking that somebody in this room is sellin' out!
- Undercover Brother: [as Anton Jackson] If I didn't have my lemon mango guava smoothie, I'd beat the bejabbers out of you and stick my foot up your patootie. Now if you'll excuse me, "Frasier" is on.
- Sistah Girl: Bejabbers?
- Conspiracy Brother: He said he would stick his foot up my so-called "patootie"!
- He's All Action
- Eddie Griffin – Undercover Brother/Anton Jackson
- Denise Richards – White She-devil/Penelope Snow
- Aunjanue Ellis - Sistah Girl
- Chris Kattan - Mr. Feather
- Dave Chapelle – Conspiracy Brother
- Chi McBride – The Chief
- Neil Patrick Harris – Lance the intern
- Gary Anthony Williams – Smart Brother
- Billy Dee Williams – General Warren Boutwell
- Jack Noseworthy – Mr. Elias
- Robert Trumbull – The Man
- James Brown – himself