User:GazThomas402

Work in progress - a rewriting of the Royle Family article.

The Royle Family is a popular BBC television situation comedy that ran for three series between 1998 and 2000. It concerned the lives of a cash-strapped working class Manchester family, the Royles.

Season One

[1.1] Bills, Bills, Bills

Jim: Antony, which room are you in, lad, this room or that room?

Antony: This room.

Jim: So what's the light on in that room for?

[Antony sighs and storms back into the kitchen to turn the light off.]

Jim: Well who do you think I am, bloody Rockefeller?

---

Dave: [talking about Denise] In't she lovely, Barbara? Hey, you know what they say, though, if you want to know what your wife'll look like when she's older, just look at her mother!

Jim: Hey, you're not calling the wedding off at this late stage!

[1.2] Making Ends Meet

Denise: Dad! Stop fiddling with yourself!

Jim: I'm not fiddling with meself! Paid a quid for these underpants, got fifty pence worth stuck up me arse!

---

Barbara: Have you had your tea, Dave?

Dave: Yeah.

Barbara: What did you have?

Dave: Sausage and chips.

Barbara: Any gravy?

Dave: No, me mam couldn't be arsed.

Barbara: Oh, I don't blame her, it's nearly summer.

[1.3] Sunday Afternoon

[Jim and Antony are washing up after Sunday dinner]

Antony: Here, look. You've forgot the roasting pan.

Jim: Leave that! You've got to leave that 'til... 'til your mother's got a chance to do it.

---

Jim: So where did you go?

Dave: Pear Tree.

Jim: Bloody hell, you don't want to drink in there!

Dave: Well I know that now, don't I?

Jim: Bloody hell, he doesn't clean his pumps, him.

Antony: Actually, no, the lager's alright.

Jim: How would you know, soft lad?

Antony: Dad I'm fifteen.

Jim: Hey, listen, if I ever catch you in the Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear, alright? You do not shit on your own doorstep!

Dave: I nearly did last night. Couldn't get the key in quick enough.

[1.4] Dad's Birthday

Barbara: Oh Jim, show us that card me mam sent you.

Jim: There, on the mantlepiece. [the card has an illustration on the front of a man playing golf]

Barbara: [warmly] Pass it us.

Jim: Bloody hell. How long she known me? 25 years. How many times has she seen me playing bloody golf?

Barbara: Well it's the sentiment, in't it? [reading the card] "Happy Birthday, Jim. Love, Norma."

Jim: Well, she didn't go overboard on the sentiment there, did she? I think Barbara Cartland's job's safe for a bit.

Barbara: Did she put a fiver in it?

Jim: Yeah, the same bloody fiver she'll be getting off me next month when it's her birthday.

---

Barbara: Oh, did anyone see that programme last night about the Kennedy assassination?

Cheryl: No.

Barbara: Oh, that Jackie Kennedy. She had some lovely clothes.

Antony: Hey, Dad?

Jim: Yeah?

Antony: Where were you when Kennedy was shot? So, everyone's supposed to remember, aren't they?

Jim: Kennedy dead? When? I don't know where the bloody hell I was! But wherever I was, there's a bloody good chance our immersion heater was on!

[1.5] Another Woman

Denise: [drunk, crying] Yeah, well, every time when I come out of the toilets, right, she was round him like flies, right, round shit. [to Dave] And you're the shit! And she's... she's not even the fly because she's too fat to be the fly, and she's the shit. And... and that's what they are - the two shovels of shit. And that's it!

Barbara: You don't have to bring shit into it, love.

---

Jim: What's going on, now?

Barbara: Oh, they're arguing about Beverley Macker!

Jim: She's alright, that Beverley, she's a tasty little piece.

Barbara: Jim!

Denise: I've got something to tell you, Dad. I'm not getting married on Saturday.

Jim: Oh, that's a few bob saved anyway. Come on, let's get to bed.

Barbara: Jim!

[1.6] Wedding Day

Denise: Hey, how's Dave?

Twiggy: I'm not so sure he isn't having second thoughts. I mean, he's got a lovely suit on, but he's wearing running shoes!

Denise: Oh, don't, Twiggy! I'm dead nervous! Can you imagine what state I'd look if he didn't turn up?

Twiggy: Hey, imagine what a state he'd look when you caught him. He's skipping off nowhere. I'd break his legs for you if I had to.

Denise: Oh, cheers, Twiggy.

---

Joe: Denise?

Denise: Oh, hiya, Joe.

Joe: Nice outfit.

Denise: Oh, thanks, Joe.

Jim: Bloody hell, steady on, Joe, you silver-tongued charmer.

Season Two

[2.1] Pregnancy

Denise: Dad!

Jim: What?

Denise: Your fly hole's all undone!

Jim: Ah, the cage might be open, but uh, the beast is asleep.

Barbara: "Beast", my arse!

---

Antony: Oi, Denise, I saw Dockers and I told him and he's made up about the baby.

Denise: What are you telling people about the baby for? It's mine and Dave's baby. Mam, will you tell Antony to stop telling everyone?

Barbara: Stop telling everyone, Antony.

Antony: I only told Dockers.

Denise: Oh, cheers! So Dockers knows about it before me own nana.

Jim: Your own bloody nana's more bloody interested in bloody Coronation-bloody-Street than the baby.

Barbara: Jim, how many "bloody"s was that?

[2.2] Sunday Lunch

Norma: Who's this Emma?

Jim: I'm sure you know her, Norma. Emma Royd.

Norma: Who is Emma Royd?

Jim: She lives up your back passage!

Barbara: Jim, we're trying to eat our dinners, here!

Norma: Who... whose back passage?

Barbara: Mam! Take no notice, they're being rude.

---

Jim: One greedy scrounging get, that fella, in't he? What a bloody brass neck! Fancy bloody coming back here for his Sunday dinner!

Dave: You asked him, Jim.

Jim: I know, but I didn't think he'd say yes!

Barbara: You know, Jim, you've got more faces than the town hall clock!

Norma: And everyone of them's miserable!

Jim: I tell you what, I'll give you that one, Norma.

Norma: [laughing] Everyone of them's miserable!

Jim: All right, don't bloody milk it!

[2.3] Nana's Coming to Stay

Barbara: Oh God, Denise! I nearly forgot! You've been for your antenatal!

Denise: Yeah.

Barbara: How did you get on?

Denise: Well, it was all a bit weird, really. This midwife woman what was running it, she said we had to talk a bit about our partners, and our partners had to talk a bit about us.

Barbara: Oh. Hmm... What did Dave say about you?

Denise: Well, he just said that I was pregnant.

---

Barbara: Have you had your teas?

Denise: Yeah.

Barbara: What did you have?

Denise: Spaghetti.

Barbara: Bolognaise?

Denise: Hoops.

[2.4] Nana's Come to Stay

[Norma is snoring on the couch]

Jim: No sweeter sound, is there. [sotto] Grr... I'd love to strangle the auld cow!

---

Denise: Hey, Dave. What would you do if I went to the pictures with a fella who was just a friend?

Dave: I don't know.

Denise: Would you be mad?

Dave: I don't know.

Denise: You would, though, wouldn't you?

Dave: I don't know.

Denise: You would.

Dave: I don't know, do I? You've not been, have you? And you're not gonna do, are you? Bloody hell!

Denise: Dave, can't you just try and be a bit more possessive?

[2.5] Barbara Finally Has Enough

Barbara: Poor Antony. Got no confidence. Jim's knocked it all out of him, calling him a lanky streak of piss all the time.

Denise: Well... well, he has got a point, there.

---

Dave: How come we never go round to my mam and dad's?

Denise: Well, I'll tell you why, Dave, cause they sit on their arses and watch telly all night, and it's boring!

[2.6] Antony's Birthday

Barbara: Help yourself to the buffet. Can I get you a ham sandwich?

Emma: Oh, no thank you. I'm a vegetarian

[...]

Norma: Could you have some wafer-thin ham? Could she have wafer-thin ham, Barbara?

Barbara: No!

---

Mary: Is Emma here?

Barbara: Oh, yes!

Mary: What's she like?

Barbara: She's a really lovely girl. She's a vegetarian, though.

Mary: Ah, well, it's happened to a lot of them.

[2.7] Christmas with the Royle Family

Norma: I am stopping over on Minnellium [sic] night, aren't I, Barbara?

Barbara: Yeah

Norma: Cause I wouldn't want to miss it.

Jim Why, what was the last one like, Norma?

---

Denise: What if the baby doesn't like me? What if I don't like the baby?

Jim: Of course you'll like it - you'll love it. [starts to well up] I remember the first time your mum... when your mum put you in my arms and I looked at you. Oh God, you were beautiful and I knew... I knew then I'd do anything for, anything for you. And our Antony.

---

Denise: [to Dave] Trust you not to be here when me water's broke! You're a right useless lump of shite!

Season Three

[3.1] Baby

Barbara: Oh, Jim, is there nowt on?

Jim: Nah, the usual shite. We're gonna have to get Sky, you know, Barb.

Barbara: Oh, Jim. We don't want Sky. We don't watch telly enough to get the value.

---

Antony: Come on, are we off then, or what?

Barbara: Ooh hey, Antony? [hands him a nappy bag] Stick this in somebody's bin, will you, love? It's smelling our house out.

Darren: Hey Ant - bag of shite!

[3.2] Babysitting

[Baby David is crying upstairs]

Denise: Oh, I can't bear hearing him like that. D'you want a ciggy?

Barbara: Oh, yes please.

[3.3] Decorating

[Cheryl has just finished a bacon butty that Barbara made for her.]

Cheryl: Oh, that was lovely. Thanks, Barbara.

Barbara: [bemused] I don't know how you can eat mayonnaise and ketchup together, Cheryl.

---

Dave: Eh, Twiggy? Are you still keeping an eye out for a car for me?

Twiggy: Yeah, Dave. Only I'm not having a lot of luck in your price range. 200 quid isn't much for a car these days, you know. Mind you, I might have found something that Ken Pugh's selling.

Dave: Have you, Twig?

Twiggy: Yeah. I'll tell you what - it's a smooth, very quiet, nice little runner.

Dave: Oh, is it?

Twiggy: Yeah. There is one little drawback.

Dave: What's that?

Twiggy: It's a milk float!

[3.4] Funeral

Norma: May God forgive you, Jim Royle, for speaking ill of the dead like that.

Jim: I wasn't speaking about the dead. I was speaking about you - the living bloody dead!

---

Jim: Sod this, I'm off for a chat with the Arabs.

Cheryl: What d'you mean, Jim?

Jim: Mustapha Crap!