Victorious (season 3)

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Victorious (stylized as VICTORiOUS) is an American sitcom created by Dan Schneider that originally aired on Nickelodeon from March 27, 2010 to February 2, 2013. The series revolves around aspiring singer Tori Vega (portrayed by Victoria Justice), a teenager who attends a performing arts high school called Hollywood Arts High School, after taking her older sister Trina's (Daniella Monet) place in a showcase while getting into screwball situations on a daily basis. On her first day at Hollywood Arts, she meets Andre Harris (Leon Thomas III), Robbie Shapiro (Matt Bennett), Rex Powers (Robbie's puppet), Jade West (Elizabeth Gillies), Cat Valentine (Ariana Grande), and Beck Oliver (Avan Jogia).

A Christmas Tori

Robbie: Ho, ho, and ho.

Cat: (mimicking Robbie) Ho, ho, ho! Robbie, how’s it going, dude? (chuckles) Oh, don’t worry, Rob. I met you before.

Robbie: Ho ho ho! And...jingle bells. (Andre reaches for Robbie's chair.)

Tori: No no Andre, don't do it, don't-(he knocks the chair over and Robbie falls to the floor.) Ohhh, you did it.

Jade: I bet that jingled his bells.

Andre: How do you go from an A to a D so fast?

Jade: That happened to me in eighth grade.

Sikowitz: Jade! You're Tori's Secret Santa, and that be that.

Jade: But why do I have to-

Beck: (very fast) He said he's not gonna change it, so just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it?!

Sikowitz: (puts his arms on Beck) His heart is vibrating. How much coffee have you drunk?

Beck: A lot, like, a lot. I don't know, like, maybe seven cups, a lot, is there a problem?

Tori: Look! It's a little...ceramic guitar. I made it at Color me Pot.

Trina: I thought Sikowitz said that your Secret Santa gifts have to be really special, and creative.

Tori: He did.

Trina: Well, that's ugly. And useless.

Tori: No, it's cute. And look. You can pretend to play it, like... (pretends to strum it like a real guitar) DER NAO NAO! TORI GAVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT, AND IT'S A TINY GUITARRRRRR! (Trina starts to leave) ...Why are you walking away?

Trina: 'Cause i'm embarrassed for you!

Tori: THAT WAS MEAN...

Cat: Christmas beef?

Andre: Yeah, sure. (takes a piece but then gets suspicious) ...Wait. Who made this?

Cat: My brother!

Andre: Uh-uh. (puts it back)

Cat: Why not?

Andre: 'Cause last month I had his Thanksgiving sausage and i'm still a mess.

Beck: Mister Robbie Shapiro.

Robbie: Hey, Beck!

Beck: Let's talk Secret Santa.

Robbie: You're my Secret Santa?

Beck: Merry Christmas, Rob! (gestures behind him, and Christie comes out)

Robbie: You bought me a girl? (claps hands excitedly)

Beck: No, no. Remember you used to talk about that bully, the one that used to beat you up when you were seven?

Robbie: Yeah, Christie Vacaras. I hated that beefy little witch. Her and her mean face.

Beck: And you always say you'd kill for just one chance to tell her off?

Robbie: Yeah?

Beck: Robbie, Christie Vacaras.

Robbie: You found her? You're Christie?

Christie: So, you want to tell me off?

Robbie: Well...I did. But now you're hot!

Beck: Maybe you kids should go to Jet Brew and talk things over.

Robbie: I'm not paying three dollars for a cup of coffee. (Beck rolls his eyes and gives Robbie some money) Ooh, this'll buy coffee and scanes.

Beck: (correcting Robbie) Scones.

Robbie: Maybe in Canada.

Beck: Merry Christmas, Rob!

(Robbie takes Christie's hand and walks away)

Christie: Your hand is sweaty.

Robbie: I know.

Cat: Hi, Secret Santa time!

Jade: (gestures to Beck) You mine or his?

Cat: Yours! For you!

Jade: (snatches gift) Give it!

(Tori comes over)

Tori: Hey, guys, can I ask you-

Jade: Shut up! I'm opening a Christmas Present!

Tori: Grunch

(Jade opens gift)

Jade: Oh, my God, Cat, you did not.

(Cat squeals and giggles)

Beck: Scissors?

Jade: They're special scissors!

Beck: Ok.

Cat: They're from a real movie!

Jade: I cannot believe you got me these.

Tori: What movie are they from?

Jade: "The Scissoring."

Tori: Wait, that one about the girl that comes back from the dead and uses a pair of scissors on her two best friends?

Beck: Yep.

Jade: (twirls scissors and looks at Tori) Starting with the pretty girl.

Tori: Oh. Um...anyways. You guys I'm Andre's Secret Santa, and I have like, no clue what to get him.

Cat: Just get him a present!

Beck: Oh my god...

Tori: (touches Cat's shoulder) Okay, help me, please! I don't want to give him the worst present, and then have to go Christmas yodeling with Sikowitz.

Jade: Two words.

Beck: I bet they won't be helpful.

Jade: Your problem.

Beck: I was right.

Sikowitz: Courtney! Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa.

Sinjin: What'd you get?

Courtney: A cricket.

Sinjin: That's hot.

The Breakfast Bunch

Andre: Well, this is a great way to spend a Saturday.

Tori: I have never had detention before.

Robbie: I'm kinda nervous.

Jade: (to Robbie) If you hadn't made us late for class, we wouldn't be here.

Robbie: I was choking on a pretzel.

Andre: Well, why do you always gotta be chokin' on somethin'?

Beck: (to Andre) Ah, give him a break.

Tori: Yeah, it's not Robbie's fault he has a petite throat.

Robbie: It's average.

Rex: "Ah"!

Mr. Dickers: Well, well. It's 7:06 here in Los Angeles. That means that in Australia, it's yesterday! (pause) Or tomorrow.

Robbie: Y'know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.

Mr. Dickers: Put a sock in it, Afro! You clowns are gonna sit in here all day and think about why you're in detention. (Jade leans back and spits her gum in the air; Rex leans back and catches it in his mouth) Now, cellphones. Let's have 'em.

Beck: Why?

Mr. Dickers: Because in detention, there are no phone calls.

Beck: What about texting?

Mr. Dickers: No.

Andre: E-mail?

Mr. Dickers: No!

Tori: Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?

Cat: I love Grumpy Gerbils.

Robbie: I can't get past Level 23.

Mr. Dickers: ZIP IT, corn pie.

Jade: Can we have corn pie?

Mr. Dickers: Shut up! (brief pause) PHONES! (the gang all put their phones in the box) Now... I'm gonna put your box of phones right here. (puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand) What, "princess"?

Tori: I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.

Mr. Dickers: Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here. (points to it)

Robbie: Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140 degrees-

Mr. Dickers: Pipe down, side salad. Eat the tuna or starve. I could care less.

Andre: I think you mean you couldn't care less.

Mr. Dickers: What's that?

Beck: You said you could care less.

Tori: Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.

Mr. Dickers: I don't.

Beck: Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.

Robbie: But you did not.

Cat: Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon? He said "One small step for man." I would've just said "Oh, my god, I'm on the moon." (Beck smiles)

Mr. Dickers: Alright, not another word.

Jade: Word.

Mr. Dickers: That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.

Jade: Did I get a good deal on it?

Mr. Dickers: You just bought yourself another one. (Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)

Jade: Okay, look, I'm sorry, I apologize.

Mr. Dickers: That's 3. 3 Saturdays.

Tori: But she was apologizing.

Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, now you got one.

Tori: Why?

Mr. Dickers: Boom! Another one.

Tori: I don't want another one!

Mr. Dickers: That's three. You want to to try for four?

Tori: I really don't.

Mr. Dickers: That's 4! You want 5?

Jade: Yes.

Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, you just got 5!

Tori: What?

Cat: (silently) Tori, stop.

Tori: Stop what? Jade said yes.

Rex: I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. (Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)

Mr. Dickers: (to Rex) Oh, yeah? I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack. Anybody else? Huh? Anybody? (no one speaks) You mess with the cow... you get the udders. (Dickers leaves the library as the door closes)

Tori: FORGET YOU!!!

(Tori takes her taco)

Tori: Ooh, still warm.

Andre: Well, they were in Robbie's pants.

Beck: Can you not say that again?

Jade: Cat, you're not eating your taco.

Cat: (nervously) Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay. (the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)

Jade: Vegan.

Cat: I am not.

Jade: Then eat your taco if you're not a vegan.

Beck: You know what I can go for right now?

Andre: Tacos?

Beck: How'd you know?

Andre: I felt you, dawg. (Beck smiles)

Tori: Tacos. Those sound really good right now.

Jade: (while ripping paper) I'm down for tacos.

Robbie: (nervously) Yeah. I love tacos.

Jade: (about Cat) Look who's being real quiet.

Cat: I'm just not that hungry right now.

Jade: Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?

Cat: Leave me alone.

Andre: What's going on here?

Jade: (goes to Cat) Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.

Cat: I'm not that pristine. (pause) Wait, what's pristine mean?

Jade: (to Cat) Are you a vegan?

Beck: Knock it off, guys.

Rex: What's a vegan?

Robbie: It's a person who doesn't eat meat.

Rex: I love meat.

Robbie: Shhh.

Rex: Don't shush me.

Jade: C'mon, Cat, tell us. Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat... lettuce... shredded cheese... (Jade glares at Cat)

(Tori comes over)

Tori: Hey! Leave her alone.

Jade: What are you gonna do if I don't?

Tori: Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. (Cat gasps)

Jade: Oh, really?

Tori: Two clicks. One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I really wanna unfriend you. (Jade glares at Tori)

Andre: Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?

Tori: I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.

Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

Tori: (confused) What?

(the group is avoiding Mr. Dickers in the hall when they run into some wet floor signs)

Tori: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The floor's wet.

Cat: We can't run across that, it's too dangerous!

Jade: Way to go, Tori. You just had to have your taco!

Robbie: We're dead...

Tori: No...just me. (stuffs the bag of tacos in Robbie's pants) You guys get back to the library.

Cat: What about you?

Tori: I'm gonna get Dickers' attention.

Beck: How?

Tori: (singing loud and off key while running and ripping posters) HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN... FEELING LOST... (The screen cuts to Dickers turning suspicious and heading in the direction of the singing) YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION... IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME, WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE-(bumps into Dickers)

Mr. Dickers: Oh, ho ho. I'm gonna make it shine. I'm gonna make it shine REAL good!

Tori: Listen-

Mr. Dickers: Aaaaaahhhh, you're in big trouble, Vega.

Tori: For what?

Mr. Dickers: For leaving the library, skinny jeans! And singing off-key! Come on. (pulls Tori by the arm)

Tori: I was running and singing at the same time, that's-that's really hard!

Mr. Dickers: Oh, SHUT UP!

Mr. Dickers: (to Tori) Sorry. Just trying to kill that fly.

Tori: Are we gonna be just like our parents?

Jade: When you get old, your butt sags.

Beck: And you can't find your pants.

Andre: Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, "You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! Number one!!!" And I wanna tell him "Hey, man, get off my chizz!" But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.

Tori: (raises hand) I have a weird talent.

Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

Cat: What's your talent?

Jade: Yeah, let's see it. (everybody joins in)

Tori: Okay. Okay. I'll show you. (Tori starts pulling out her socks ) Can't believe I'm doing this.

(Tori gets a bow and arrow and uses it with her own feet and the arrow hits a poster. All of them start talking in amazement)

Jade: (sarcastically) That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?

Beck: (after a pause) I'm sorry, did I miss something?

Jade: Go on. Shoot another arrow.

Tori: Shut. Up.

Jade: Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.

Tori: SHUT UP!

Jade: BECAUSE MY DAD CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS FEET!

Tori: That is not my fault!

Andre: STOP IT!!! As teenagers, we are all under too much pressure!!!

(after a brief pause, everybody starts laughing)

Cat: (as Robbie starts to tackle Tori) Robbie!

(while everybody is laughing, Robbie blows raspberries on Tori's stomach)

(Tori and the gang are leaving when they walk past a man in a panda suit holding a balloon)

Jade: See you next Saturday.

(Beck salutes the panda. Tori waves at the panda, who gave Tori the balloon as they leave. The panda waves back.)

(after Mr. Dickers has caught Tori and pulled her into the janitor's closet)

Mr. Dickers: That's the last time, Vega. That's the last time you run around these halls singing about making things shine!

Tori: What are you guys talking about?

Robbie: Nothing, nothing!

Jade: Robbie's trying to tell me that sometimes you both crunch the corn shell together.

(closing letter)

Rex: Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...

Tori: A future popstar.

Andre: A musician.

Beck: An actor.

Robbie: A nerd with temporarily straight hair.

Jade: A girl who likes scissors...

Cat: And me!!!!

Rex: Cat, they can't see you, baby.

Cat: Oh... it's Cat, bye!

Rex: Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.

(Beck and Andre are straightening Robbie's hair)

Andre: You look a lot better without those black curls in your hair.

Robbie: Hey! I like black curls. (pause) So why are you guys being so nice to me?

Beck: Because you're letting us. (Andre, Beck and Robbie laugh. Robbie attempts to hug Beck backwards)

(Tori shows everyone the tacos she got in her locker)

Robbie: Tacos. The girl has tacos. (Tori leaves, followed by Andre, Beck and Jade) They're tacos. (Beck pats Robbie) (to Cat) Do you approve of this? (Cat doesn't speak)

The Gorilla Club

Tori: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SICK?!

Cat: Is it eating tuna fish on a Ferris wheel? ...Cause I did that once, and I threw up on a bird.

Trina: (reading the tracking number) Here it is, tracking number. A, K, 4, 5, 5, H, J, 1, 4, 7, 7, H, Y, 7, F, L, 4... (later) 6, Q, L, 4, K, 3, 2, A, M, T, Y... (later) K, L, 5, 4, 9, B, D, 6.

Jade: Will you stop that?!

Trina: Shush, they're about to tell me where my package is!

Receptionist: Your package was delivered at...8:21 PM.

Trina: 8:21?

Robbie: It's 8:21 right now.

Trina: Oh. (runs to the door) I don't see the-(gets hit by the package and falls to the floor)

Tori: Your package is here!

Andre: Uh, Elise! Hey, Elise!

Elise: Um... Andre? Right?

Andre: Andre. Yeah. So, uh, here's what's up. Some friends of mine might be going to the Gorilla Club tonight. And if you don't have any plans, I was thinking maybe me and you--- (Jades sneaks behind him)

Jade: HAMMER TIME.

Andre: Not now. All right. I'm trying to talk to----

Jade: STOP! HAMMER TIME. (Jade plays a MC Hammer-like song on her PearPad. Then, Andre starts to dance like MC Hammer. Elise then leaves.)

Andre: (following Elise while still dancing) Wait! Wait, Elise! Don't walk away from a man when he's Hammer dancing!

Tori: It's for a role in a movie, about a teenager whose parents send her to a home for troubled girls.

Cat: Oh. One time my brother went to a home for troubled girls.

Tori: Why?

Cat: To meet troubled girls.

(When Tori is practicing her audition as Sikowitz, Andre and Robbie watch her, Jade suddenly enters with a big boombox.)

Jade: HAMMER TIME.

Andre: Ugh!

Robbie: Darn it, oh! (Robbie and Andre stand up as Jade plays the boombox. A song similar to MC Hammer's starts to play and both Robbie and Andre start dancing like MC Hammer.)

Sikowitz: Oh my God!

Tori: His tush is lopsided!

Robbie: DON'T LOOK AT IT! (Robbie and Andre continue dancing)

Tori: (to the Gorilla) HAMMER TIME!!!!! (starts dancing like MC Hammer as the music plays)

Tori: People leave here alive, right?

Beck: Sometimes.

Andre: I think I just stepped in some blood. (a manager comes up to them)

Manager: (hands Tori, Andre, Cat, and Beck clipboards) Here. Sign 'em!

Tori: Why do we have to sign these?

Beck: It just says that if you try any of the challenges here, you won't sue the place if you get...dead.

Thug: She's not supposed to be laughing on the bunny!

Andre: Well, what do you want me to do?!

(Tori manages to win the Gorilla challenge)

Tori: TORI VEGA BEAT THE BIG BAD..... (suddenly, the gorilla attacks Tori)

(While Tori is preparing to take on the gorilla. Jade sneaks behind Robbie and Andre)

Jade: Hey, move!

Robbie: Why should we move?

Andre: We were here first!

Jade: Okay. [yells] HAMMER TIME!!

DJ: Yeah! (the DJ plays the same MC Hammer-like song. Then, Andre and Robbie both start dancing like MC Hammer. Everybody starts to cheer on the two.)

Beck: You did it!

Tori: Shoosh yeah, I did!

Beck: WHO'S A ROCKSTAR?!?!

Tori: MEEEEEEEEE!

Beck: Whoo! (they hi-five) You are definitely a real risk taker!

Tori: I know! And to prove it even more you know what I'm gonna do RIGHT NOW?!

Beck: WHAT?

Tori: I'm gonna use the bathroom HERE! (jumps)

Beck: ...Sitting?

Tori: (in a menacing voice) Sitting.

The Worst Couple

Cat: Ooooh! What if we act out the final scene from Titanic? When the boat sinks? ...Oh my God, I just gave away the ending. Spoiler alert. (laughs)

André: You know, whenever she starts talking, I think to myself "Maybe this time it'll make sense." I'm always wrong.

Jade: Hey, if we're gonna keep talking about Tori's phone, could someone please take me to a car door so I can slam my face in it?

Beck: (smiling) I have a car. (turns to Jade)

Jade: (in a slow, offended tone) Oh.

Tori: (after the Northridge girls help her plug her phone in) Yay. My phone came on.

Talking Reggie: Yay. My phone came on.

Tori: Aw, man.

Talking Reggie: Aw, man.

André: You got the Talking Reggie app?

Talking Reggie: You got the Talking Reggie app?

Tori: Yes... (she tries to shut it off)

Talking Reggie: Yes...

Jade: Turn it off.

Tori: Shut...up. (presses more buttons)

Talking Reggie: Shut...up. (Tori sighs)

Jade: Dolphins creep me out, so I will not go in the ocean.

Sinjin: Just say A, B or C.

Jade: B!

Beck: Maybe it was A!

Jade: I DON'T CARE!

Beck: I'M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! (pause)

Sinjin: ...We'll be right back with more of Queries for Couples.

Trina: (walks up next to him) Starring Trina.

Sinjin: STOP IT!

Robbie: What up, girlfriend?

Tori: Stop pretending we're a couple! The game show is over. [squeezes Robbie's mouth]

Robbie: Amhh, I don't think you should be getting snippy with your pretend boyfriend who fixed your PearPhone.

Tori: You fixed it?

Robbie: Yep, your mobile phone is once again mobile.

Tori: What... what... what is this?

Robbie: Car batteries, from a Volvo.

Tori: So I'm supposed to walk around with these giant car batteries to power my phone?

Robbie: Or you can just buy a new GX and replace that one.

Tori: No, if I buy another GX I guarantee you the new XT will come out like the next day and then I'll be the pre-turd with the stupid GX while everybody else has the cool new XT.

Robbie: (touches her shoulder) Take it easy, baby.

Tori: (sternly) Robbie...

Sinjin: (while begging Tori and her friends to be the contestants for his game show) Don't blow this for me, Tori!!!!!!!!

(Beck is holding Jade while walking in the hallway)

Jade: I'm done talking about it!

Beck: No! We're not!

Jade: He's KIDNAPPING me! (shouting) You wanna see a kidnapper?! KIDNAPPER! Let go! (Beck brings Jade inside the janitor's closet) KIDNAPPER!

Beck: This is not funny.

Jade: Right! What's funny is you freaking out over a dumb game show!

Beck: We were voted worst couple. And the other two couples weren't even real couples! And one had Robbie in it!

Jade: Why do you care if we were voted worst couple?

Beck: It's a matter of- (Cat walks in with three spoons)

Cat: Is this a closet party? Look, I have spoons!

Beck: Cat, come here. We need your opinion on something.

Cat: On global warming?

Beck: No.

Cat: 'Cause I don't think that's really happening.

Beck: Cat...

Cat: Seriously. I went to the movies the other night, and it was so cold...

Beck: CAT!

Cat: Hi. (waves her arms)

Beck: We need your opinion on us.

Jade: Why not just ask a monkey?!

Cat: I saw a movie about a monkey! He wore glasses and carried a gun.

Beck: Don't you think Jade and I fight a lot?

Cat: Sure.

Jade: Yeah, but all boyfriends and girlfriends fight a lot, don't they?

Cat: Well sometimes, we-

Jade: Yes or no?! (Cat yelps)

Beck: LET HER TALK!

Jade: You never listen to me talk!

Cat: Can I go now?

Jade: No! (grabs Cat by the backpack) What is your point here, anyway?!

Beck: I would like to have a girlfriend I can talk to without it turning into a screaming match!

Jade: Yeah, well I'd like a boyfriend who other girls don't stare at all the time!

Cat: I thought this was a closet party.

Beck: How is it my fault girls stare at me?!

Jade: Oh, you could look worse if you wanted to.

Cat: (panicked) I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed, I'm under my bed... (puts her hands on her ears while gasping)

Beck: I can't believe how jealous you get.

Jade: Oh! Oh, so you think I'm ugly.

Beck: What?! (to Cat) Who sai-did I say she was ugly?!

Jade: Cat thinks we're a perfect couple!

Beck: Cat, are Jade and I a perfect couple?

Jade: DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Beck: Answer it!

Jade: SAY NOTHING!

Beck: Come on!

Jade: YOU COME ON!!!!

(Cat faints and drops her spoons)

Beck: We made Cat faint.

Jade: I'm late for class. (Jade leaves)

Beck: We're gonna have to finish this sooner or later!

Jade: Later!

Beck: (leaves the closet and walks past the janitor named Luther) Hi.

(Luther enters the closet. Cat is still lying on the ground. Luther, who did not notice Cat, gets a sledgehammer and a bundle of rope. Suddenly, Lane walks in.)

Lane: Hey, Luth. Somebody spilled a soda on the floor in the gym and it--- (both Lane and Luther see Cat lying on the ground unconscious)

Lane: (in a disapproving tone) Oh, Luther. Why?

(Tori, Cat, André, Robbie, Trina and Rex are playing poker and discussing Tori's phone)

André: Just buy yourself another Pearphone GX.

Tori: No, if I buy another GX, they're (everyone joins Tori) gonna announce the XT the next day, and then everyone will have a new XT and I'll be stuck with the stupid GX.

Rex: I'm so sick of hearing that.

Tori: Well, there's no need for you guys to mock me simultaneously.

Tori: Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!

Beck: See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.

Tori: Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-

Beck: Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.

Tori: Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?

Jade: What?!

André: Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!

Robbie: One time! I cried one time!

Rex: Six.

Robbie: Six times!

Beck: See?! We fight so much, even our friends don't want us around!

Jade: Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, no one likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.

Cat: Arf!

Trina: Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! (Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)

Tori: So...why don't you guys play cards with us. (touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)

Beck: Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.

Jade: So you wanna break up?

Beck: No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...

Trina: You guys might break up? Because I'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- (Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)

Jade: Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.

Beck: I'm tired of fighting.

Jade: Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.

Cat: Don't forget three. (everyone looks at her) Some people forget it.

Jade: If I get to 10 and you're not out there, I'm going home… and we're over. [Jade goes outside] 1!

Trina: (while touching Beck seductively) I would never fight with you.

Jade: 2… 3… [Cat claps] 4… [Beck heads to the door] 5… [Trina follows Beck to stop him] 6… [Trina jumps on Beck and pins him down]

Tori: TRINA! [Tori, André, Robbie and Cat go to Trina]

Trina: Just give me a chance!

Beck: Stop!

Trina: Just give me a chance!

Beck: Get OFF! NO!(André and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)

Trina: I'm a really fun girl... (Robbie pins Trina)

Beck: (to Trina) No! You're not!

Trina: (while holding Beck's leg) ...And so good looking!

Beck: Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! (Beck stands up and goes to the door)

Jade: 7… (Beck holds the doorknob and stops) 8… (Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing herself and winking) 9… (André, Cat and Tori glare at one another) 10! (Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door, but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)

Beck: Let's play some cards.

Tori: (sadly) Yeah, let's play… (everybody goes to the table to play cards)

Cat: I'll pick up the cards.

André: Make sure you get all 52.

Cat: KK. 1, 2, (forgets three) 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... (Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)

(Tori has bought a new Pearphone GX. Suddenly, Trina walks in)

Trina: Hey. Look what I got, everyone. (shows her new Pearphone XT)

Robbie: The new Pearphone XT?!

Trina: Yep. (Tori, surprised, looks at the phone)

Tori: What? No, no, no, no, no..

Trina: Uh huh. They just hit the Pear Store this morning.

Sinjin: (also holding a Pearphone XT) I got one too.

Boy #1: (also holding Pearphone XT) Same here.

Boy #2: Uh huh.

Boy #3: I got one.

Luther: (holding also a Pearphone XT and a sledgehammer) I got a blue one...... with unlimited texting.

Tori: (furiously) DOG JAM IT! (goes to the trash can) Buh-bye! (drops the phone in the trash can)

Talking Reggie: Buh-bye! :Tori: Ugh! (kicks the trash can and leaves) :Talking Reggie: EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Andre's Horrible Girl

(Cat puts a dollar in the soda machine, picks a drink, takes it and immediately throws it in the trash. The bell rings)

Jade: Cat? Why'd you just throw your drink in the trash?

Cat: 'Cause I wasn't thirsty.

Jade: But...but you bought the-ah, forget it.

Cat: (to the puppy) Jade seems really mean, but don't worry, she is.

Cat: (Jade sits beside Cat) Yay, we're hanging out togethe-- (Cat is about to hug Jade)

Jade: NO!! (Cat recoils)

Cat: I'm pretty sure we're not supposed-

Jade: (touches the guitar) Look! I'm touching the guitar, see. (in an Elvis Presley accent) I'm Elvis Presley and I'm touching my guitar. That's right, baby. I touched the boss' skull and now I'm touching my special guitar. (in regular voice) See? I touched the guitar and nothing bad happened. (guitar falls and crashes through the window. Cat stares in shock) ...That guitar was not properly hung.

Tori: (upon hearing Andre knock frantically) Who is it? Are you a criminal?!

Andre: Not really.

Tori: It's open! (Andre comes in)

Andre: (takes off his jacket) Hey.

Tori: Aren't you supposed to be at Hope's party?

Andre: Yes. Yes, I am. I'm supposed to be at her birthday party, I'm supposed to perform a song, and I'm supposed to like her. But I don't! I don't like that girl at all! (takes a pillow from the couch) Not even a little bit! And I don't know WHAT TO DO! (slams the pillow on the couch)

Tori: Want some mashed potatoes?

Andre: No! I don't want any...(beat) Gimme the bowl. (takes the bowl out of Tori's hands)

(Jade attempts to put duct tape around the broken guitar. After doing so, Jade holds the guitar but it snaps again.)

Cat: Do you think my mom's boss would notice?

Robbie: (outside) Cat! Hey, Cat!

Cat: We're in here!

Jade: You called Robbie?!

Cat: Yeah, so he can help us put up the guitar and fix the window.

Jade: Robbie can barely work his zipper on his own pants! (Cat giggles)

Robbie: (entering the room holding a bucket of materials) What's up, little pigeons? (Suddenly, Beck enters, also holding some materials, which leaves Jade surprised)

Cat: Hi.

Jade: (to Cat) Why did you invite Beck?!

Beck: (to Robbie) You didn't tell me Jade was gonna be here?

Robbie: I didn't know!

Beck: (to Jade) I thought you had a date tonight.

Jade: Why'd you think that?

Beck: It said so on your Slap page.

Jade: Why you stalking my Slap page?

Beck: Why do you care?

Cat: Why is Robbie's zipper down? (Robbie notices and pulls it up)

Jade: Look, let's just get this stupid guitar fixed and hung back up there before Cat's mom's boss gets back.

Cat: We have to fix the window, too.

Robbie: Oooh! I'll find a window repair company using the new feature on my PearPhone. (his PearPhone dings) I need a window repair company in Beverly Hills.

PearPhone: (ding) Checking for...adult diapers. (Cat, Jade and the puppy all look questioned)

Robbie: N-n-n-n-n-no, that was my last search.

(back at the mansion, Robbie and Jade fix the guitar while Beck and Cat talk to the window repair company worker)

Beck: Thanks for fixing the window.

Cat: Yeah. And we didn't even notice your lack of hair. (the worker leaves as Cat waves)

Beck: Guitar all good up there?

Robbie: Yep-per-die-doo.

Jade: Yeah! And look. You can't even see where it broke.

Robbie: Nope.

Cat: Yay! My mom's boss will never know anything bad happen!

Robbie: (picks up the skull) Whoa! Is this a real human skull?

Jade: Yeah. Give it, so I can put it back.

Robbie: No. I'm looking at it.

Jade: (gets the skull) Robbie, give it to me. (Jade and Robbie start to fight about the skull)

Robbie: Shut it.

Jade: Stop!

Robbie: Just----

Jade: Robbie! We don't have time!

Robbie: Just---

Jade: Fine! (Jade drops the skull)

Robbie:(the skull falls at the glass table, breaking it. Cat gasps. At the same time, the guitar swings and destroys a lamp. Cat yelps and starts to cry)

Jade: Don't cry.

Cat: But--- (buzz)

Robbie: I heard a buzz.

Jade: Zip up your pants! (Robbie does so)

Cat: (clicks the buzzer) Hello?

Mr. Gibbons: Cat. It's Carl Gibbons. I forgot my key, would you buzz me in?

Cat: It's my mom's boss.

Mr. Gibbons: Could you buzz me in?

Cat: Um. Sure I could. Or maybe you could go to Europe for two weeks.

Mr. Gibbons: Cat, buzz me in.

Cat: (Cat does so) Kay-kay. (Cat sobs)

Jade: Cat.

Robbie: It will be okay.

Beck: When he gets up here, we'll just explain that–

(an earthquake hits the mansion)

Robbie: What's happening?

Jade: EARTHQUAKE!!!

Cat: Earthquake!

Beck: [grabs Cat] OKAY, EVERYBODY DOWN!!! COVER YOUR HEADS!!!

Robbie: AAAHHH!!!!

(Beck covers Cat and himself, Robbie hides under a small table and Jade protects herself with a pillow while the dog barks loudly. The earthquake partially destroys the mansion. The scene cuts to Nozu where the earthquake also hits. Tori hides under the round table along with the other guests.)

Mrs. Lee: Everybody get down! I don't have insurance!

Hope: Protect my birthday presents! Somebody protect my– (a giant sign falls on her head, knocking her out. The earthquake stops and everybody stares at a moaning Hope. Andre then smiles.)

(after the earthquake stops)

Cat: (to Mr. Gibbons) I'm so sorry about you guitar, and your lamp, and your table...

Mr. Gibbons: (not even a tad bit angry) That's alright. It's not your fault.

Cat: But...

Jade: (puts her hands on Cat's shoulders, looking at her in the eye) Cat, Mr. Gibbons isn't mad at us, because he knows the EARTHQUAKE caused this damage.

Beck: Yeah. We can only blame the earth.

Robbie: And its quaking!

Car, Rain & Fire

Tori: Why are you all sad?

Cat: How do you know I'm sad?

Tori: Well, you're dressed in sad colors, and you were playing a sad song... oh, and you're wearing a button that says, "I'm sad, ask me why." (touches it)

Trina: I put this stupid chicken in the oven three hours ago, and it's still not cooked!

David: Ok, um...couple of things. You didn't turn the oven on. This is a turkey. And, um, yeah, it's still frozen.

Trina: Well, what am I supposed to feed Beck?

David: Does he like turkeycicles?

Beck: (after Trina kisses him) You bit my lip!

Trina: I tried to bite both.

Beck: I always knew you were anti-Canadian!

Andre: Well, what are you gonna do aboot it, eh?

Cat: So you'll drive?

Tori: No.

Cat: Why not?

Tori: I didn't pass my driver's test.

Cat: Why not?

Tori: Because I didn't see the old lady in the wheelchair. [Cat gasps] I signaled before I hit her!

[in the car]

Jade: [driving] So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?

Cat: No. He just loves rope.

Jade: [looks at Tori and Cat's science project] What is that thing anyway?

Tori: Oh, this is Cat's and my science project.

Cat: It's a robot with hamster power.

Tori: See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... [in a robot voice] ...The robot.

Cat: Isn't it cool?

Jade: I don't know. All I heard was "hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me".

Tori: (holding a muffin) You want a muffin?

Jade: Sure. (takes the muffin and eats it)

Cat: You brought muffins?

Tori: Oh, no. I found it under the seat. [in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it in the road] Not so boring now, am I?

Jade: All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over–

Cat: Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next 2 hours!

Tori: She's the one… FOR 2 HOURS!?!

Jade: I thought we were just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.

Cat: We are! Her house is in San Diego!

Jade: [suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound] SAN DIEGO?

Tori: Cat, we gotta finish our science project before morning!

Cat: But–

Jade: No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego and back!

[Cat starts to cry]

Tori: JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!

Jade: All right! [drives and Cat stops crying]

Jade: OH MY GOD! (she and Tori step back shocked)

Tori: What... is this?! (pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)

Cat: Don't worry, they're not real feet.

Jade: But why does your brother have a bag of fake feet in the trunk of his car?!

Cat: I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.

Tori: Why did you think that she was dead?!

Cat: I read it online! It said "Mona Patterson joins the dead!"

Mona Patterson: That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I play David Schwimmer's wife.

Cat: Well...nice to meet you, I'm Cat.

Mona: Good. I have something nice... for cats. [goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun]

Tori: Whoa! Now just wait a second. [Mona is in aiming position] This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe– [they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays] AHHHHH!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALREADY WET?!

Patterson: Get off my property! [Tori screams and then runs off]

Beck: Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?

Trina: Well...

Andre: Punk-nut?!

Beck: Trina... made chicken for me!

Andre: Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!

Trina: I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?

Beck: No. You pick him or you pick me!

Andre: Or maybe I'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!

Beck: (grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!

Trina: Boys, I-

Robbie: Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?

Beck : Who are those flowers for?

Andre: They better be for Beck.

Robbie: They're for Trina.

Trina: Whaaaaaaaaat?

Robbie: Well, I heard the boys in the locker room say that Beck asked you out so I thought I'd ask you, too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who screams and runs while Beck and Andre chase him)

Beck: Trina wants me, not you, idiot! (the three boys start to fight. Andre lifts Robbie up and shakes him. Beck then punches Andre in the face)

Trina: Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Andre punches Beck back. Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)

Beck: Andre, no!

Trina: [tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight] Beck!

Beck: Don't go! [Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle] It's disgusting!

Trina: DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! [gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage, sobbing. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage] And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– [notices the boys are gone] Tea... kettle...

David: [notices the boys at the couch with puppets] What's going on?

Andre: We're doing a puppet show!

Beck: [in a British accent] I am the king.

Robbie: [in a high voice] I am the queen!

Andre: And I'm the little pussy cat! Meow!

Trina: But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!

David: Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)

Beck: [in a British accent] Trina, did you learn your lesson?

Robbie: [in a high voice] About telling lies?

Andre: Meow! [he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]

(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)

Tori: Come on, hamster!

Cat: Run, Fat Santa!

Tori: Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)

David: Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?

Tori: Mona Patterson.

Cat: Why?

David: She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)

News Reporter: But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.

Cat: My candle.

Tori: No, we don't know for sure. [the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house] Lots of things could start a fire.

News Reporter: The cause of the fire? [shows Cat's candle] This cinnamon bun-scented candle. [both girls gasp in shock] Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently, with red fur. [Cat holds her head and gasps in horror] Of course, we'll have much more of this story– [Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]

Cat: [nervously] Tori?

Tori: Shhhhh...

[the episode ends]

Tori & Jade's Play Date

Sikowitz: (entering the classroom) GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! (laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill) Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.

Rex: They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?

Sikowitz: (laughs) NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about giving bad news.

Jade: Why?

Sikowitz (imitating Jade, sarcastically) Why? To teach you that acting often involves choices in how to say things. For example, how do you give someone bad news and make it seem not so bad?

Cat: By telling them in a language they don't understand.

Sikowitz: You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.

Andre:: (reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."

Sikowitz: (makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.

Beck: (reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.

Andre: Then Mama's got some explaining to do.

Sikowitz: (makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.

Jade: (reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."

Sikowitz: (Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.

Tori: (reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."

Jade: I'm supposed to play her wife?

Tori: I'll just pick another card!

Sikowitz: No! My box has spoken!

Tori's Slap Status: Rehearsing a play. I have a MUSTACHE...and I think I like it. :{) FEELING: Hairy

(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)

Andre: What's wrong, mom?

Beck: You seem awfully upset.

Jade: Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!

Beck: What's narcolepsy?

Jade: It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.

Sikowitz: (to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)

Jade: (stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)

Tori: (in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.

Jade: Hi, honey.

Andre: Hey, dad.

Beck: Hi there, dad.

Tori: (to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)

Jade: Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)

Tori: I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?

Beck: (his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.

Andre: I'm Tommy.

Tori: Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.

Jade: It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)

Tori: Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)

Jade: Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!

Tori: (wakes up) BLAST OFF!

Jade: No. No, you were saying I'm so?

Tori: Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?

Jade: You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.

Tori: I love you.

Jade: (strained) I love you.

Sikowitz: (the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!

Burf: I don't have a candle.

Sikowitz: Then get a better haircut!

Sinjin: Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.

Sikowitz: You girls meet me for dinner at Nozu. Tonight. 7 PM.

Tori: But, I don't want to-

Sikowitz: Nozu!

Jade: But, why you-

Sikowitz: (garbles fast and incoherently, in imitation of an angry Japanese man)

Jade: At least let us-

Sikowitz: (very fast) SEE THE BOTH OF YOU AT NOZU AT 7 PM! (leaves)

Sikowitz: Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.

Jade: Yeah, we would.

Tori: We really, really would.

(Tori is slurping her soup loudly)

Jade: NO!!! (Tori takes another sip, looking at Jade) Worst night ever.

Tori: I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.

Jade: That's stupid.

Tori: See?

(when Tori and Jade discover that the boys from Nozu are in the audience during the play)

Jade: What are we gonna do?

Tori: Run, Nancy!

Jade: Yes, Walter! (both Tori and Jade run off as the episode ends)

Tori: Excuse me.

Chef: Hai.

Tori: Yeah. My date and I were wondering if you have a flight of stairs we could throw ourselves down.

April Fools' Blank

Sikowitz: So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...

Tori: (comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!

Jade: What are you, five years old?

André: (shrugs) Really.

Tori: But... today's April Fools' Day!

Robbie: We really don't care.

Beck: April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...

André: That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)

Tori: But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.

Cat: (stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!

Mr. Belding: Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.

Beck: (laughs) Yes! Yes! YES.

Tori: Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)

Cat: Wait. Did you just say you wanted a face full of trumpet?

Tori: What do you mean, "face full of..."? --AAAAH!! (Cat blows a trumpet in her face, and she falls to the floor. Drake Bell quickly comes in and gets her back on her chair. He then notices the audience and immediately flees the room)

Sikowitz: Wait, was that the (guy, Drake) Bell? (the bell rings) Oh, there's the bell. (holds his hands out and explodes. Tori gasps, as parts of his clothes and coconut fall to the floor)

Cat: Hey, girlie!

Tori: What? (Cat blows the trumpet in her face again and she falls to the floor. Cat then laughs)

André: Tori! Tori! Did you hear, did you hear the news?!

Tori: What? What happened?

André: It's war. It's war, Tori, it's war!

Tori: (points at him shocked) Is it Switzerland?

André: (grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her) Will you forget about the war?! We're gonna have a pop quiz!

Tori: But... you just said that--

André: It's true, I tell you! I just heard it from two boys in the bathroom! At the urinal. We're gonna have a pop quiz! A pop quiz is going down, Tori!

Tori: Oh... my god, I hate pop quizzes!

André: (grabs her and shakes her in the air) HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT A POP QUIZ WHEN WE'RE AT WAR?! It's war, Tori! It's war! (puts her down) I gotta go recycle some aluminum. (starts running) Ah. Oh, say can you see...? (his leg gets hit) --AAHHHH! (Tori gasps) AH, I'M HIT! ARROW! (falls down the stairs) AHHH! AHHH! Ow! I got hit in the leg by a swiss arrow. DANG THIS CURSED WAR! (2 Congress-like men come in and drag him away)

Cat (as Dorothy): Oh, Tofu... are you all right? Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? It's awful hot in here. I'd better open a window! (places Tofu's fishbowl on the trash bin, opens window, and a fan blows) Oh, Tofu! Oh, noooo! (walks around dazzled then slams into stall door) 'Concussion!' (falls to the floor. Eventually, she wakes up, and the place is in color.) Oh my goodness. Tofu, well I have a feeling we're not in the Hollywood Arts bathroom anymore. (looks around) Oh no, wait, we are. It's just in color! (places Tofu's fishbowl on a sink)

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): (flushes, then comes out of a stall) Well, hello!

Cat (as Dorothy): Well, hello if you please! (takes her dress and holds it by the ends)

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): (shuts the door to the stall) Are you a good witch... or a sandwich?

Cat (as Dorothy): Who, me? Well, I'm neither a witch nor a snack. You're talking some crazy chiz!

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): Well... you do have the ruby cellphone.

Cat (as Dorothy): (takes it out of her pocket and gasps) Oh, my goodness. Well, this phone is beautiful! Were all my contacts transferred? (suddenly a storming sound is heard in a stall. Red smoke comes from it, then Jade, dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West comes out and spins)

Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West): WHO TOOK MY RUBY CELLPHONE...?! (to Cat) ...WAS IT YOU?!

Cat (as Dorothy): Well I didn't mean to. Here, you can have it back.

Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West): Good... give it. (tries to take it out of Cat's hands but gets zapped) CURSES! I'll never be able to get that ruby cellphone as long as it's April Fools' Day!

Tori: (in her normal voice) You know, speaking of that, are we really not gonna do anything for April Fools' Day...?

Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West): SILENCE!!! I'll get you, my pretty and your little fish, too! (Cat runs over to Tori for protection)

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): Oh, be gone! You have no powers in this restroom.

Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West): "The witch sneers at Dorothy! ...Then exits." [leaves the bathroom as she laughs evilly]

Cat (as Dorothy): Oh my. She spoke her stage directions. Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): Well... you are in a restroom. You could... wazz.

Cat (as Dorothy): Tofu, too?

Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North): Tofu, too! (she holds her wand out as she backs into the door, opens it and happily leaves. A pink bubble surrounds her)

Cat (as Dorothy): Oh, Tofu. I'm scared. And frightened... and afraid. Oh my goodness, those are all synonyms.

Robbie (as the Scarecrow): (comes out of the stall) Don't be scared, Cat.

Cat (as Dorothy): Robbie! Who are you?

Robbie (as the Scarecrow): Robbie.

Cat (as Dorothy): Oh, hi, Robbie!

Beck (as the Tin Man): (comes out of the second stall) We're here to help you.

Cat (as Dorothy): Oh, my!

André (as the Cowardly Lion): (comes out of the third stall and puts his fists up in the air) Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Cat (as Dorothy): Put what up?

André (as the Cowardly Lion): Your socks, they fell down. Put 'em up!

Cat (as Dorothy): Yes, sir. (puts her socks up)

Beck (as the Tin Man): How can we help you, Cat?

Cat (as Dorothy): Well, I just want to get back to class.

Beck (as the Tin Man): Well, that's easy.

André (as the Cowardly Lion): First, you just punch Robbie right in the face.

Robbie (as the Scarecrow): Wait, was that in the movie? Because I don't remember getting punched in the-- (Cat does so, and Robbie is knocked into Beck's arms)

Director: (comes into the girls' bathroom) Hey, Leon, Leon.

André: (in his normal voice) Hey, what's up?

Director: You're late for the next scene.

André: I'm late?

Director: Yes. Victoria's already started acting.

André: Oh, man! Later, y'all. (leaves)

Robbie: Tori! Tori! I'm running in with big news! Tori!

Feeding boy: It's him!

(he and the feeding girl start screaming and run away in terror. Robbie comes up to the table)

Tori: What's the big news?

Robbie: The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt!

André: What?

Robbie: In three and a half minutes, this whole school is gonna be covered in hot lava!

Tori: We only have three and a half minutes?

André: (pounds his fist on the table) The same amount of time as a commercial break.

Tori: What do we do?

Robbie: (grabs Tori's arm) I say we kiss.

André: Okay, c'mere.

Robbie: Not you! (to Tori) You. Kiss me, Tori. I want my last three and a half minutes to be spent with my face... smushed against your face.

Tori: Are there any other ideas?

Robbie: Tori, please!

Tori: Okay. (the two lean in to kiss, and the screen freezes)

Rex: Stay tuned for the second half of Victorious... or don't. I get paid either way.

(after commercial)

Rex: ...And now, we continue with the exciting second half of Victorious. Press Play. (Tori's about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)

Beck: Tori, Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?

Robbie: Later!

Tori: What news?

Robbie: I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now, kiss me.

Beck: No, no, the NEW news!

André: What NEW news?

Beck: The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So, it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! (everyone cheers)

Robbie: Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! (everyone moans)

Beck: Wait! Sinjin has 2 big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! (everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)

Sinjin: But I drank them! (everyone moans again)

André: (holding up an apple) Wait, I'm not gonna eat this apple! So, you guys can all share it! (everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)

Tori: WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! (everyone moans again)

Sikowitz: What's done is done. (eats an apple out of a bowl of them)

(Tori goes into the janitor's closet and comes out in the elevator of Carly and Spencer's apartment aka... iCarly)

Tori: Hey, Spencer.

Spencer: Sup, Tori...?

Sikowitz: And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.

Cat, Beck, André, Robbie, Jade and Trina: HOW DUMB WAS SHE?

Sikowitz: She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)

Sikowitz: Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Tori: ...Day.

Sikowitz: Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!

André: Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)

Tori: That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)

Sikowitz: All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?

Jade: Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!

Robbie: Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)

Tori: No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)

Sikowitz: Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.

Robbie: Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?

Sikowitz: Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...

Robbie: (turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!

Sikowitz: Cat, your turn.

Cat: Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!

Sikowitz: OH, yes!

Tori: Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)

Sikowitz: Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.

Cat: I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)

Sikowitz: Uh, Cat, I said blank.

Cat: (laughs) I love President Ford!

Sikowitz: We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!

Beck: (in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)

Tori: No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)

Sikowitz: (laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.

Tori: Come on, Trina!

Trina: Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)

Tori: Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!

Trina: But I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Tori: You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--

Everyone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Tori: It's not my birthday.

Everyone: TOUCHDOWN!

Tori: There's no football game.

Everyone: WHERE'S THE BEEF!?

Tori: Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!

Driving Tori Crazy

Tori: (while she is riding in Robbie's multi-seat bike) You said you had a car!

Robbie: This is a car. The car...of the future!

Cat: Tori! You missed first and second period!

Tori: I know.

Cat: And you look all messy!

Tori: I know.

Cat: And that shirt is not a good color on you.

Cat: So Robbie drove you to school this morning?

Tori: Yes, but never again! I've gotta find someone else to drive me.

Cat: Well, I bet my brother would drive you. If you don't mind screaming.

Tori: Wait, you guys scream at each other?

Cat: No, sometimes he just screams. Like at trees. (pause) And busses.

Tori: Thanks, but I'll find someone else.

Cat: Why don't you just get a license like a normal teenage girl? (Tori gives her the death glare) Bag o' rags?

Tori: See ya, Cat.

Cat: Have a ragarific day!

Tori's Slap Status: Jade is driving me to school. Um...awesome? FEELING: Endangered

Charlotte: Girl?!?! Will you hold my oatmeal for me?

Tori: Sure.

Charlotte: Put your hands out. (pours oatmeal into Tori's hands)

Tori: Why did you do that?!

Charlotte: You said you'd hold my oatmeal!

Tori: Why didn't you just hand me the mug?

Charlotte: I'm not letting you touch my mug!

Cat: (to Dr. Rhapsody) So, why are you driving a party bus now?

How Trina Got In

Robbie: Oh, dear.

Tori: Robbie, I told you, nobody our age says "Oh, dear".

Robbie: Oh, my.

Tori: Or that.

Kwakoo: (singing while chopping squid) Chop, chop, chop the squid. Chop, chop, chop the squid. Chop, chop, chop the squid. Disappoint my father.

Jade: [Jade and Beck are still fighting like where 'The Worst Couple' episode left off] Oh tell us, oh great Beck who knows everything except how to keep a girlfriend happy.

Beck: You hate being happy.

Jade: Just tell the story.

Beck: Alright.

Mrs. Lee: You pay extra for the sushi and you pay the extra money.

Sikowitz: Trina is in. Trina is in. Trina is in. Trina is in.

Tori: I guess she auditioned and got in.

Cat: But she's talentless.

Tori: That's mean... And true, how did she get in?

Tori Goes Platinum

Beck: Here. I got a hoagie in my backpack.

Tori: A hoagie? (streches her arms) Oh, I need hoagie so bad! (Takes the hoagie and eats it)

Beck: Wow. You're chewing like it's your job.

Tori: I ate feet meat?

(Tori sits down in class wearing an outrageous outfit)

Jade: Oh, I'm sorry, were we all supposed to dress stupid today?

(Tori is dressed in one of her outrageous outfits)

Cat: Whoa, Tori. (unconvincingly) Cool outfit.

Tori: Thanks! Whatcha got there?

Cat: It's my sack of Bibble! It's really heavy, so I put it in a wagon.

Tori: And you needed to bring all of it to school?

Cat: I can't help it! (pause) It's so good.

Tori: I can't believe Mason bought you this much!

Cat: That's not even the sack he bought me.

Tori: What?

Cat: I finished that one. I went back and bought two more sacks! (pause) I think I may have a Bibble problem.

Tori: Well, it is pretty good stuff -

Cat: Don't touch it!!! (she drags away the wagon) My bibble.

Andre: Cat, that is a lot of Bibble.

Cat: Please don't look at it, it's all for me!

Jade: Cat, don't be stingy, just give him a little nibble of Bibble.

Cat: NO!!! (jumps on Bibble bag)

Robbie: Sikowitz, Cat has Bibble!

Sikowitz: Cat!

Cat: No, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend! (Sikowitz takes the Bibble away) But I need it...I mean, my friend needs it!

Andre: Cat, here.

Cat: What's this?

Andre: It's a special gum. If you crave Bibble, just chew some of that, it'll make you feel better. You just unwrap it and chew it–

Cat: I know how gum works!

(Jade is in costume backstage when Tori enters)

Jade: This isn't right.

Tori: Yeah, it is a little tight -

Jade: No, not the stupid outfit. This. Me.

Tori: I don't -

Jade: This is supposed to be your night. This was your big chance, so for me to go out there...

Tori: And?

Jade: I can't do that to a friend. Or even to you.

Cat: (shoving gum in her mouth) Yeah, Tori has a big problem.

Andre: Cat, maybe you want to back off on that Bibble gum -

Cat: Don't tell me what to do!

Cat: Can I just have one handful of Bibble?

Oliver: The answer is no!

Cat: But I just -

Jade: Cat!

Cat: Oh, hey.

Jade: Take this. Now Mason wants me to try the blue skirt.

Cat: Why doesn't he like this one?

Oliver: I think this skirt is pretty.

Jade: Just go get the blue one!

Cat: (sighs) C'mon, Oliver.

Oliver: First we had to get the red skirt, now we gotta go get the blue skirt.

Cat: Life is hard.

Cat: Does anyone have any Bibble?

Oliver: No. You gotta stop chasing that snack.

Cat: But it HURTS!!

(at the Platinum Music Awards, in Mason Thornesmith's office)

Andre: (enters the room as he closes the door behind him) Hey, I'm here. Sorry.

Tori: Where were you?

Andre: While I was in the mens' room, I opened one of the stalls, and sitting right there, Bruno Mars. (Cat gasps)

Tori: (looking shocked) What?!

Andre: So I'm like, "Oh my God, Bruno Mars! You're one of my idols." He says, "Thanks. But I'm on the toilet. Can you shut the door?" So I say, "Sure", and I shut the door. And Bruno Mars says, "I mean, can you leave the stall and then shut the door?" And then I'm all like, "Bro, I know you famous, but can't you just -"

Jade: (putting her hand on his shoulder) Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Maybe stop talking.

Crazy Ponnie

Cat: You guys. You guys, have either of you seen Jade?

Beck: Uh uh.

André: No, why, what's up with Jade?

Cat: She's trying to kill me.

Beck: Any reason?

Cat: We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.

André: Do what to 'em?

Cat: Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.

Beck: So, why is Jade trying to kill you?

Cat: Well...

Jade: [screams] WHERE IS SHE?! [Cat screams and Jade runs after her] [Sinjin plays his saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase] Stop her! Somebody stop Cat right now!

Cat: Hide me.

Jade: Come here!

Cat: Please hide me!

Jade: No! Come here! Stop. Come here!

Cat: Oh, hide me!

Jade: Don't touch him! (Cat tries to hide behind Sinjin)

[Lane, who enters the hall, stops Jade and Cat runs to Beck and André]

Cat: HIDE ME!

Jade: COME HERE!

Lane: What do you... Stop! Jade, stop. Relax.(Catchs her and holds her)

André: What was that about?

Beck: Why are you so mad at Cat?

Jade: [reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off] Don't... say... a word.

Robbie: Um... I think you look nice with no eyebrows.

[Jade glares at him]

Cat: Jade, I just wanna say... I really appreciate you having lunch with us, and thank you, André and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.

André: Sure.

Beck: No problem.

[Jade tries to attack Cat, but she's still handcuffed to the table]

Robbie: I still don't get how this happened.

Cat: Well, Jade asked me to make her eyebrows look nice. So I tried to wax them, but when I took the wax strips off, there was... Um... a problem.

Jade: My eyebrows are gone.

Cat: No, they're not. I told you, they're right here! (holds up the wax strips with Jade's eyebrows on them)

Jade: AAH!!

Beck: Whoa! Whoa!

Jade: AAH! COME HERE, YOU!

Beck: Jade, whoa whoa. Watch it.

Cat: Someone...

André: Don't do that. What are you... stop it.

André: Hey! Cut it out! Hey!

Sikowitz: You girls knock it off.

Jade: I'll get you.

Cat: I don't wanna be gotten.

Tori's newest status on TheSlap.com: I'm not crazy! There IS a PONNIE!!!

Sikowitz: No, she didn't get expelled from Hollywood Arts to make room here for you.

Tori: Then why did she get kicked out?

Sikowitz: She's crazy. A loony-bat. She stole things... Carried weird stuff in her backpack... Called everyone Debbie. A real nut case.

Fawn: Lick my loafers, Debbie.

Cat: [after Jade shaved all of her hair] I fell asleep during study hall. Jade found me.

Sikowitz: Aw, don't be sad, little one. I think your head looks great like that.

Cat: Of course you do.

Tori: Ah-ha!

Fawn: What?

Beck: Excuse me, what's your name?

Fawn: Linda.

Beck: That is Linda.

Tori: Yeah, sure. Linda the liar, that is Ponnie.

André: You said Ponnie had brown hair.

Tori: She's in disguise... [whispers loudly] ...That's Ponnie in disguise!

Fawn: I just need $23.

Tori: Uh, okay you guys go do whatever...and I'm gonna have a chat with "Linda".

The Blonde Squad

Tori: Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a blonde?

Jade: No.

Cat: I've wondered that. I've also wondered why lemonade is a drink and first aid is for the injured. Like, what if a thirsty person gets injured? Do you give them first aid first, and then lemonade? Or lemonade first, then second aid? (pause) Lemonade. (giggles)

Tori: (stares at Cat in disbelief) So, sushi?

Jade: Let's go.

Trina: Hey, Tori, here.

Tori: Is that a pair of my underwear?

Trina: Yeah, my allergies have been so bad today.

Tori: What?

Trina: Tissues make my nose red and sore. These are so soft. (blows her nose in them)

Tori: You've been blowing your nose in my underwear?

Trina: Yeah, they're like a giant soft hankie.

Tori: Giant?!?

(Robbie approaches)

Robbie: Well, if it isn't the Vega girls!

Trina: Gross.

Tori: You're in a good mood.

Robbie: Yup. Cause I've finished the song I've been writing.

Tori: Oh, is it another song about worms?

Robbie: Not this time!

Trina: I hate this guy.

Robbie: This song's about a girl.

Trina: Look, Robbie, I already told you I'm not interested in you.

Robbie: I didn't mean you. I-

Trina: Okay, you know how some girls say "I only like you as a friend"?

Robbie: Yeah.

Trina: I don't even like you that way.

Cat: (runs around giving out hugs) Free hugs! I want to give free hugs!

Robbie: Someone's a Happy Cat.

Cat: Yeah, me!

Tori: Wait, is this because of that guy you met last night?

Cat: Uh, huh.

Robbie: Oh, you met a fella?

Cat: Yeah, his name's Evan. Oh, and I invited him here tonight to watch Beck's movie!

Tori: Oh, yeah, the screenings tonight. I hear the movie turned out pretty good.

Robbie: I was the wig master.

(Tori and Cat look at Robbie, then walk away)

Tori: So, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?

Cat: What?

Tori: I say, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?

Cat: That did not come up.

Robbie: You never told him you were wearing one of my wigs?

Cat: I guess not.

Tori: Or blue contacts?

Cat: Also did not come up.

Tori: So, you spent like five hours with this guy, and he still doesn't know what you really look like?

Cat: No. Oh, my god! What if he hates redheaded girls with brown eyes?

Tori: Don't worry, he won't.

Robbie: Are you crying?

Cat: Yeah, I can't help it! (grabs Tori's underwear) I cry when I'm scared! (blows her nose in them) What is this?

Tori: Underwear.

Cat: They're so big!

Tori: You know what? (grabs underwear and stalks off)

Tori: This is so cool! We're blondes! Wooo! We're like princesses!

Jade: Can you be the princess that gets poisoned?

Cat: Why are you so excited to be blonde?

Tori: Cause guys love blonde girls, especially with blue eyes. You watch, tonight we're gonna get extra special treatment!

Cat: My brother gets special treatment. From special doctors. (pause) It's court ordered.

Tori: Oh, Cat. I feel like I've done something terrible to you.

Cat: Yeah.

Tori: You hate me now?

Cat: (sighs) No. I just want something bad to happen to you. Not like really bad, just something to ruin your weekend.

Tori: I'll try.

Cat: I'd appreciate it. (pause) Can I just be alone now?

Tori: Okay. (puts her arms out) Hug?

Cat: No.

Robbie: That does it! Catarina Valentine, I will not sit here anymore and listen to you talk bad about yourself! You're adorable. Any guy would be lucky as cheese to go out with you.

Cat: Thanks, Robbie, that was really sweet, but you don't know how guys think.

Robbie: (flabbergasted) Uh...how could...good day! (storms off)

Tori: Cheese is lucky?

Robbie: (from offscreen) Yes!

Tori: Jade, tell Cat that when this boy sees her pretty red hair tonight, he's gonna like her even more.

Jade: Uh, can't do that.

Tori: Why not?

Jade: Cause I'm looking at Evan's Splash Face page, scrolling through pics of his ex-girlfriends: blonde, blonde, blonde - whoa, ugly blonde - uh, blonde, oh, and his blue eyed dog with blonde fur. I'm thinking Evan goes for blondes.

Tori: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. What are his likes and dislikes?

Jade: Uh, likes sushi, video games, girls with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Tori: Dislikes?

Jade: People who pretend to be something they're not.

Cat: Oh, no! Can I have your underwear again? (Tori hands Cat her underpants, and she cries into them)

Tori: You see what blonde girls get? Free stuff! Cha-ching. Yeah yeah.

Jade: It's a magical night.

Cat: Hey, what if I just dyed my hair blonde?

Cat: You need to go to the bathroom?

Tori: (confused) No...

Cat: Oh I do...Back in a boo!

(Goes off to the bathroom)

External links