iCarly

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iCarly is an American television sitcom, which premiered on September 8, 2007 and is currently airing on Nickelodeon. It first aired on YTV a month later on October 8, 2007, and now concurrently airs on The N. The show first aired on Nickelodeon UK on Easter 2008. It aired Nickelodeon Australia in May 2008. iCarly is also the second program on Nickelodeon to have the audience send video clips to the official website, the first being ME:TV.

The series stars Miranda Cosgrove as Carly Shay, Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett, Nathan Kress as Freddie Benson, Jerry Trainor as Spencer Shay, and Noah Munck as Gibby Gibson. Sam, Carly and Freddie create a WebShow called iCarly which becomes wildly popular.

Season 1[edit]

iPilot[edit]

(first lines of the series)

Principal Franklin: (laughs at the paper he is holding, until Ms. Briggs enters the room. He stops and puts the paper down)

Ms. Briggs: Carly? Get in here right now. (snaps her fingers twice, and Carly enters)

Principal Franklin: Have a seat. (she does) So...I understand you put some flyers up all over the school.

Carly: Yes.

Ms. Briggs: Why would you photodock my head onto the body of a rhinoceros?!?

Carly: Well, I-

Principal Franklin: Rhinoceros? Oh, no no no. She made you a hippopotamus.

Carly: No, no. She's a rhinoceros. A hippo has wider thighs and a wider snout.

Ms. Briggs: OH, does it matter?

Sam: Did you get in trouble?

Carly: Course I got in trouble! Teachers tend to get upset when you put their heads on the bodies of big fat animals!

Carly: Well, here's an idea.

Sam: What?

Carly: STOP DOING BAD THINGS!

Carly: You know, anybody but me would punch you right in the head.

Sam: Which is why you are my best friend!

Carly: Good to know. Now, why are you mine?

Sam: Because I'm a lovable person! [pushes kid into his locker]

Carly: Freddie, were you just looking out your peephole waiting for me to come home?

Freddie: (laughs) Fuck no!

Carly: Freddie...

Freddie: He'll yeah.

Freddie: I am over it! I'm in love with you and you just wanna be friends, and I'm totally cool living with that constant pain.

Sam: Hey, you invited the doof!

Freddie: Awww man, I didnt know that was gonna be here!

Sam: She. I'm a she, Freddie. As in girl.

Freddie: Barely. Just keep your hands off my A.V. equipment.

Sam: You mean I can't play with the white balance on your super-de-duper camcorder!?

Freddie: Oh sure! Everyone jokes about the white balance 'til the skin tones go magenta!

Sam: (clears throat) Carly will never love you.

Freddie: That's it! I'm taking my stuff and going home!

Carly: Please stay.

Freddie: Okay.

iWant More Viewers[edit]

Freddie: I think Carly's spaghetti is great.

Sam: Then why don't you put some down your pants?

Freddie: I think the loser should have some kind of penalty.

Sam: Hasn't life already penalized you enough?

[Carly sprays Sam with water bottle]

Carly: That's for being mean.

Sam: It was worth it.

Carly: Good job Spencer. You too Freddie.

Freddie: Thank you Carly. In your face Sam.

iDream of Dance[edit]

Ms. Briggs: Today, we have a special treat.

Gibby: [raising his hand] Tennis players Serena Williams I love her to death and she made me strong and handy-m

Ms. Briggs: Quiet, Gibby! Today, we are going to watch some truly enriching entertainment.

Gibby: [raising his hand] Nick cannon

Ms. Briggs: Gibby! Corner now

Carly/Spencer: [of the multiple boys in the apartment Carly/Spencer will end up dancing with in a dream] I don't know what's going on here...but I think I like it.

iLike Jake[edit]

Sam: Tell me everything!

Carly: He said we should hang out some time!

[Girlish screams; teacher walks by]

Carly: [fake tone] Actually, I feel that teachers should give us more homework.

Sam: Yes. More homework and more discipline.

Carly: Yes discipline is a priority in...

[Carly and Sam watch teacher leave; they scream loud, girlish screams again]

Freddie: Just keep kissing those frogs, Carly. This prince can wait.

Jake: So, your older brother is actually shaped like that?

Carly: No, no, he has a head.

Carly: When it comes to the part when Jake was supposed to sing, we'll just improvise and talk about something funny.

Sam: Like Freddie's haircut.

Freddie: [singsong voice] I heard that!

Sam: [singsong voice] You were supposed to!

Carly: But oh my god, he's so hot I could bake cookies on him!

Sam: I'd eat those cookies.

Sam: I think we know the results of the sound check. Did it sound horrible?

Freddie and Sam: Check!

iWanna Stay With Spencer[edit]

Sam: If it's Freddie's mom, don't answer it.

Freddie: Hey, my mom happens to be... yeah, don't.

Freddie: Sorry, lost my cool for a sec there...

Sam: Can't lose what you never had. I going to take a poop.

Sam: Anti-tick lotion?

Freddie: It's precautionary!

Spencer: All right, don't worry too much about this yet, just...go do your homework or something.

Carly: Kay.

Spencer: I mean...YOU GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!

Carly: Yes, sir!

Spencer: And just say no!

Carly: Always!

Spencer: And stay in school!

Carly: Maybe!

Carly: Doorbell.

Sam: Smells like your granddad. [to Freddie] You smell like garbage.

Freddie: Your butt's shaped like a ham.

Carly: I wanna stay here in Seattle with Spencer!

Granddad: Spencer needs to learn how to take care of himself before he can take care of a child.

Carly: I'm not a child! I'm just young and short.

Mrs. Benson: I was in the middle of rubbing anti-tick lotion on Freddie!

Freddie: Mom, I don't have ticks!

Mrs. Benson: They hide in your leg hair.

Freddie: I don't have leg hair!

Mrs. Benson: Which worries me deeply!

Spencer: [answers phone] Hello? No, Freddie's not here, Mrs. Benson. I don't know when I grew leg hair! I gotta go!

Spencer: Here. [hands Granddad a piece of paper]

Granddad: What's this?

Spencer: Everything you need to know about taking care of Carly. I've listed all her allergies, the number for poison control...

Granddad: She has allergies?

Spencer: Yes. These are Carly's favorite foods, drinks, soups and chowders...

Granddad: Aren't soups and chowders the same thing?

Spencer: No, there's a distinction. This is her homework schedule and a number for a tutor because she's been having a little trouble with science. These are the vitamins that she needs to take every day. I only give her the ones shaped like dinosaurs.

Granddad: Why?

Spencer: Dinosaurs are cool. Oh, and she's really into drinking coffee, [whispers] but I always give her decaf without telling her.

Carly: What?

Spencer: [in normal voice] Nothing.

Sam: So...who's gonna take the blame when I put live lobsters in the trunk of Mrs. Briggs' car?

Carly: ...Will you at least try to stay out of trouble?

Sam: No.

(Carly, Sam, and Freddie are cleaning out Carly's locker.)

Sam: Oooh can i have this? (ipod)

Carly: I'm leaving, not dying.

Sam: But don't you want something for me to remember you by? like 500 of your favorite songs?

Carly: Give it. Sam: I'm just trying to cheer you up. Carly: You can't cheer me up. I'm moving to Yakima. I'm gonna be a Yakimite. Or Yakimanitian. Freddie: Yakimaniac. Sam: [To Freddie] You're yakimannoying.

iNevel[edit]

Freddie: And what did he mean, you'd rue the day?

Sam: Yeah, what does rue mean?

Carly: No one knows!

Spencer: I got it, right here. Roux: "a mixture of fat and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Sam: ...Nevel called you a fat flower?

Sam: (about Spencer's melted butter sculpture) Gross! It's like a giant baby threw up!

Mrs. Papperman: You just go to your room and write an honest review of Carly's web show!

Carly: Which you said you love.

Sam: A lot! Of 1,000,000 times

Freddie: Yeah, Papperman!

Mrs. Papperman: Go on...

Nevel: (to Carly) Can I call you?

Carly: (instantly) GET OUT OF HERE!

Nevel: (Freddie and Sam sneeze on him) GERMS! (he runs out of the room)

Mrs. Papperman: ...Tapenade?

Carly: Oooooh, and those little crackers.

iScream on Halloween[edit]

Freddie: [Sam enters the building listening to music] Aw, man, it's Sam! She's gonna see my costume and insult me nineteen different ways!

[Sam walks up and sees Freddie in his witch costume. She takes the earphones out of her ears and looks up and down at Freddie's costume. She shakes her head ]

Sam: Too easy.

Freddie: Something still doesn't make sense. Why did Lewbert say that no one lived here?

Lewbert: Cause I'm a jerk! Hahaha, I got you kids good! Score one for Lewbert! Happy Hannukah!

Carly: Halloween.

Lewbert: [splutters incoherently]

Carly: This could be the very last iCarly webcast ever!

Sam: And if anything horrible happens... (Freddie zooms in on the camera) Mom, I lied to you. Those pants do make you look fat.

(Spencer comes into the loft wet and covered in pumpkin)

Sam: That's Carly's brother, Spencer.

Carly: Any words for our viewers before we sign off?

Spencer: (gets closer to the camera) ...Never forget...to buy candy on Halloween.

Freddie: Alright, let me establish a crostic-plex transmission between my laptop and my camcorder.

Sam: (waves her hand like when it's hot) Wow, a tech-talkin' witch boy. Look out ladies.

iSpy a Mean Teacher[edit]

Freddie: Now, I'm going to show you the latest piece of equipment that's going to blow you guys away.

Carly: What is it?

Sam: You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?

Freddie: I don't need a robot girlfriend. Because in 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.

Carly: What happened to my first husband?

Freddie: Nothing you can prove.

Carly: What did you get?

Freddie: It's a teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie! [takes out a giant plastic piece of pie with a very conspicuous camera lens on it. Carly and Sam laugh]

Sam: Yeah, who couldn't that fool?

Freddie: It looks real.

Carly: Yeah. Like a real piece of pie with a camera lens on the side!

Sam: Look, it comes with a giant fork! [holds up the fork]

Freddie: Give me that! [snatches fork back] This a quality piece of equipment!

Sam: My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous.

[Spencer persuades his date Connie to juggle, who starts to do so just as Freddie catches his attention with the fake pie]

Freddie: Don't mind me, I'm just a guy having some pie!

Spencer: Hey, is that one of those pie-spy video cameras?

Freddie: No it is not.

Connie: Oh yeah, they were talking about those on the Food Channel... Or was it the Spy Channel?

Spencer: You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.

Freddie: I don't know what you guys are talking about! This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything!

Spencer: But there's a big lens on the side.

Freddie: [frustrated] Oh, just forget it! [goes back upstairs]

[Carly and Freddie are spying on Ms. Briggs with the fake pie in tow at her house and decide that she is boring, so they decide to leave, but just as they turn to walk away, a bee flies around them]

Freddie: [waving his arms to shoo the bee away] Hey, go away! Get out of here!

Carly: It's just a bee.

Freddie: You don't understand; I am extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie!

Carly: That is a stupid bee.

[Freddie hands Carly the fake pie, runs, falls over, gets up and runs for the entrance to Ms. Briggs' house to flee from the bee]

Carly: Where are you going?

Freddie: I can't get stung! [he goes inside]

Carly: Are you insane?! Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment! You can't just... [the bee continues to fly all around her as she waves her arms to get the bee to fly away] Get away! It's a fake pie! Can't you see the big lens on the side?! [she drops the pie and runs inside] IT'S A FAKE PIE!

iWill Date Freddie[edit]

Freddie: It's Valerie!

Carly: Sam, stall her! Freddie, take off the stupid clothes.

Sam: [opens door] Hey, Valerie, how goes it?

Valerie: I'm great! Is Freddie there because I-

[Sam slams door shut]

Carly: I said to stall her!

Sam: She is stalled. I slammed the door right in her face!

Mrs. Benson: Freddie, tell her the rule about standing up straight.

Freddie: ...You won't get respect if your back's not erect.

[Sam spits out a mouthful of watermelon]

Freddie: Yup, we've gone out every night this week. I'd say we're almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sam: So, which one are you?

Carly: Have you kissed her yet?

Freddie: Maybe. A little.

Sam: No way! Did she puke?

Carly: Freddie quit!

Sam: Quit what? Sucking his thumb?

Carly: No! He quit the show to do a web show with his girlfriend Valerie!

Carly: That little-

Sam: Say it!

Carly: I don't like to say it. Spencer says it's not lady-like.

Sam: Say it!

Carly: That skunkbag!

Sam: Feels good, doesn't it?!

Carly: Yeah, it does!

Sam: We're gonna go tell Freddie?!

Carly: Yeah, we are!

Sam: Can we get a smoothie first?!

Carly: No, we cannot!

Sam: Come here, Freddie!

Freddie: Leave me alone, Sam! Sam, what are you gonna-

[Sam pushes Freddie out the room. He crawls to the other room, while Carly and Sam follow him. He gets up]

Freddie: That was assault!

Carly: Why are you quitting iCarly?

Sam: Yeah, why?

Freddie: Well, 'cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me!

Carly: Oh, Nigarian please

Freddie: Yeah, she's always putting me down, and calling me mean names, and everytime I get an ice cream cone, she takes it and she licks it. She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!

Carly: Tell Freddie he's just as important to the show as we are.

Sam: Aw, why don't you just make me drink out of a toilet?

Carly: Tell him or your off the show.

Sam: Freddie, you're just as important to the show as we are. [hugs Freddie and gives him a wedgie]

Freddie: She gave me a wedgie!

Sam: No charge! Now c'mon, let's do the show.

iWant a World Record[edit]

Sam: This thing is full of top-notch freaks, mutants and psychos!

Carly: Well... that's not a problem, right?

Marilyn: I'm sorry,

Carly: But haven't you ever heard of the five second rule?

Marilyn: That's for eating food off the floor.

Carly: Well, I feel that that rule could apply here nicely! wow !!!!!!!!!!!!

iRue the Day[edit]

Freddie: I'd bet my whole month's allowance that all of my equipment was working perfectly!

Carly: Ooh, you'd bet a whole eight bucks?

Sam: Your mom only gives you eight bucks a month?

Freddie: She's afraid that if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.

Carly: That's so dumb!

Freddie: Yeah, not really.

Sam: I can't believe Mr. Cline gave me a D on that test. How'd I get a D?

Carly: You only answered half the questions, then told Mr. Cline the test was stupid, then burped, then left.

Sam: And that's not worth a D+?

Carly: Will you ask the Plain White T's to perform on iCarly?

Spencer: Will you take a digital picture of my back?

Carly: Yes!

Spencer: Then yes!

Nevel: Better find a new hobby, Carly, 'cause your web show is officially cancelled. BY ME! (he shuts off his telecast)

Carly: I hate him!

Nevel: (turns his telecast back on) I heard that! (turns it off again)

Sam: Oh man, this bites.

Freddie: Well, we can't do iCarly as long as Nevel controls our site.

Nevel: (turns his telecast back on) So true!

Carly: (angrily) Get off my monitor! (unplugs the computer, then picks up a phone)

Freddie: Who are you calling?

Carly: You'll see.

Sam: You ordering pizza?

Carly: No!

Sam: Wow Freddie, I like seeing you all fiesty.

Freddie: That's the Freddie Way.

Carly: I thought the Freddie Way was a toasted bagel with grape jelly.

Freddie: That's the Freddie-Breakfast Way.

[Nevel's grandma walks in and sees Freddie dangling from the ceiling]

Nevel's Grandma: Ooh, spider!

[She leaves and gets an umbrella]

Freddie: Hey there.

Nevel's Grandma: Spider!!

Nevel: And now, on iCarly, I will sing a song all about my web cast. (singing in a tone similar to Old MacDonald Had a Farm) I have a webshow that I do, it is really bad!

Sam: How can this not be infuriating you?!

Carly: Just keep watching.

Nevel: And boring too, it makes people sad!

Nevel's Grandma: Who are you?

Carly: We're your...personal trainers!

Sam: Come on! Let's do some squat thrusts!

Carly: Squat and thrust!

Carly and Sam: Ready? Just squat and thrust! ..One...Two...Three..

[Sam continues to instruct Nevel's Grandma while Carly helps Freddie down]

Carly: Sam, let's go!

[Carly, Sam, and Freddie leave while Nevel's Grandma continues to squat thrust while "counting"]

Nevel's Grandma: Three! W! Mustard!

iPromise Not To Tell[edit]

Spencer: Lamp. Lamp. Lamp!

Carly: I think it knows it's a lamp.

Spencer: Why won't this lamp turn on?

Carly: Let me see the instructions.

Spencer: Good luck, they're in Japanese!

Carly: Well, did you try saying lamp in Japanese?

Spencer: I did not! How do you say it?

Carly: It looks like...rampuu.

Spencer: Rampuu. Rampuu. RAMPUU!

[Lamp turns on]

Spencer: It worked!

Carly: Yeah, you just have to say it like a really angry Japanese man!

[Carly sits down next to Spencer and they take turns screaming at the lamp]

Carly & Spencer: RAMPUU! RAMPUU! [and so on]

[Freddie walks in and stares at them for a moment, then walks back out slowly]

Freddie: Oh and uh, just for the record, the only reason you pinned me down like that is 'cause I wasn't ready.

Carly: Are you ready now?

Freddie: Yeah, why? (she pins him to the ground again as he struggles to break free from her) ...Can we please not tell anyone about this?

Freddie: Mr. Devlin is like the strictest teacher ever.

Spencer: I know...he used to be the lunch monitor. He gave me detention.

Freddie: What for?

Spencer: Playing with my fruit.

Principal Franklin: Sam, just sit and try not to break anything.

Sam: No promises.

Teacher: Please complete exercises 7 and 9.

Carly: What about number 8?

Teacher: [whining] I'm in charge!

Carly: Then let me reprint it on paper that is completely hole-free!

Mr. Devlin: Reports can only be turned in once. Silly little truffle.

Spencer: One more thing.

Carly: What?!

Spencer: (holds up a pair of clippers) ...There's an A stuck to your butt. (takes it off her)

Carly: That's so embarrassing!

Principal Franklin: Hello, Sam.

Sam: Mornin', Ted.

Principal Franklin: Sam...

Sam: [falsely cheerful] Good morning Principal Franklin!

Principal Franklin: So, Sam. Tell me, what has gotten you into trouble this week?

Sam: Uhh, I got yelled at by Ms. Briggs for failing a quiz.

Principal Franklin: Why did you fail the quiz?

Sam: I didn't know the answers.

Principal Franklin: Right. Anything else?

Sam: Uhh, I got kicked out of the cafeteria for slapping Gibby with a piece of pizza.

Principal Franklin: Why did you slap Gibby with a piece of pizza?

Sam: I found it on the floor; I wasn't gonna eat it.

Security Officer: We need to speak to a legal parent or guardian.

Carly: Spencer!

Spencer: [from another room] I AM IN THE BATHTUB!

Carly: [to the security officers] Are you going to take us to juvie?

Freddie: I don't want to go to juvie!

Carly: They're gonna take us to juvie! [they both start crying]

Carly: I didn't really get straight A's!

Spencer: Huh?

Carly: (talking fast) Mr. Devlin gave me a B+, then Sam changed my grade in the school's computer. Freddie and I tried to change it back, that's why the CSA came here. I lied to Principal Franklin, I made Karen Yamakao cry, and my hair is falling out! Look at it! (takes a small bit of her hair off)

Spencer: So I have to take apart my big A again?

iAm Your Biggest Fan[edit]

Carly: [picks up show idea card] "Carly and Sam roll Freddie in bread crumbs and bake him at 350 degrees?

[Freddie looks at Sam in shock]

Sam: Just until he's golden brown!

[Spencer is finished setting up a drum set and begins drumming, which causes it to fall apart shortly afterwards]

Spencer: ...I rock too hard.

Spencer: Want to see me rock out?

[Carly and Sam agree. Spencer starts playing the drums and one of the cymbals mysteriously bursts into flames]

Spencer: How can that even happen?!

[Carly gets the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the cymbal]

Sam: Hey, can I sleep over tonight?

Carly: You don't want to go home?

Sam: Nah... When my mom buys a new bikini, she usually likes to wear it around the house for a few days to "break it in." If you're my friend, you won't make me see that.

[after Spencer's new "invention" bursts into flames]

Carly: Electrical wiring just isn't your thing.

Spencer: No, it is not.

Carly: (reading the band's letter to Spencer) "Dear Splinter."

Spencer: He never did learn my name.

Carly: "Thanks for getting us booked on Seattle Beat. You rock for that. Unfortunately, your drumming is suckish." Aw?

Spencer: That's where I said "Aw", too.

Carly: "So we've decided to go ahead with our appearance on Seattle Beat, but we're kicking you out of the band. Also, we took the rest of the deviled eggs and stole your drums. Take care, Blake." Well, that wasn't nice at all.

Spencer: Nope.

Carly: I'm sorry.

Spencer: Thanks. I'm just sitting here, listening to their music.

Carly: Well don't do that! They're mean people.

Spencer: I know. But their music is so good! (crying) THEY TOOK MY DRUMS!

iHeart Art[edit]

Freddie: Do you even know what Harry Joyner looks like?

Carly: Yeah, you know, he looks like a man, with a face and hair...

Sam: Yeah, I have an uncle that looks a lot like that.

Carly: Spencer, it's been four hours. I think you need to get off the kitchen table?

Spencer: Why? Is Santa Claus here to tell my I'm ugly and have no friends?

Carly: Spencer, get up. [tries to move Spencer] Come on, get off the table.

Spencer: [at the same time] No... I'm comfy right... [screams and falls to the floor] Ow.

Carly: You weren't supposed to fall on the floor.

Spencer: Well, you know... gravity.

Ms. Benson: Freddie, you didn't sign the shampoo agreement. How do I know if you double pooed?

Freddie: [looking at Sam] And you thought I was kidding.

Carly: Hello, people of Earth who own computers!

Sam: Congratulations, you have just signed on to iCarly.com!

Carly: So kick back, take off your socks, and enjoy this fine webcast!

Sam: I'm Carly!

Carly: And I'm Sam!

Carly: Wait.

[Carly and Sam switch places]

Carly: I'm Carly!

Sam: And I'm Sam!

Carly & Sam: We were momentarily confused!

Spencer: Should I use more here?

Joyner: Don't ask me! You use as much as you need!

Spencer: But I want your artistic input!

Joyner: You don't need my input!

Spencer: I crave it!

Joyner: I crave a hamburger!

Spencer: I'll make you a hamburger as soon as we're done!

Joyner: All right.

Freddie: I would've been here sooner, but, uh, I was helping my mom knit a sweater. Any comment?

Sam: Aw, please let me insult you once for free!

Freddie: Nope! Five bucks an insult!

Sam: Then I think it's very sweet you were helping your mommy knit.

Freddie: Impressive.

Sam: You're just lucky I'm broke.

Freddie: Really, you wanna kiss me?

Sam: Are you kidding me, I'd rather.... not do that at this time, but thank you for your kind offer.

iHate Sam's Boyfriend[edit]

Carly: You should ask him to hang out!

Sam: Nah, a guy like that wouldn't want to hang out with someone like me.

Carly: Why not? He makes chicken noises and bothers other children. He's perfect for you!

Carly: Please? For me?

Freddie: Don't do that.

Carly: What?

Freddie:You think every time you say "Please? For me?" I'll do whatever you want, well not this time.

Carly: Please? For me?

Freddie: Okay.

Carly: Oh, give her a break. And be happy for Sam. She hasn't had a boyfriend since fifth grade when Frankie Murkin rudely dumped her.

Freddie: She broke Frankie's leg.

Carly: Yes! And then he rudely dumped her!

Freddie: Well...I know how we could get back at her.

Carly: Huh?

Freddie: You and I should start dating. That way-

Carly: (irritated) FREDDIE!

Freddie: I know...

Carly: What's this?

Sam: Lunch.

Carly: Low-fat cheese in a can? This is what your mom gave you for lunch?

Sam: Hey, I'm just happy she got up before noon.

[Sam sprays Freddie with her cheese in a can]

Sam: [Carly takes her cheese in a can out of her hand] Hey!

Carly: You can have this back when you learn to use squirtable cheese responsibly.

Carly: What are you doing?

Jonah: Kiss me.

Carly: What?!

Jonah: Sam doesn't have to know. [tries to kiss Carly, but she flicks him] Ow! Did you just thump me?

Carly: How dare you try to kiss me when you're dating Sam! You're icky!

Freddie: Hey Spencer, how's the-

Spencer: CARLY, FREDDIE'S HERE! 14,325... [Carly runs down the stairs]

Carly: I'm freaking out, Freddie! Freaking out! [pulls Freddie to the kitchen]

Freddie: Did you talk to Jonah?

Carly: Yeah, and he tried to kiss me! He totally tried to kiss me!

Freddie: No way!

Carly: Yeah!

Freddie: Are you sure Jonah tried to kiss you?

Carly: Well, let's see. He said "Kiss me," then puckered his lips. So call me crazy, but I think the boy wanted some Carly-kissing!

Freddie: That jerk! No one tries to kiss MY girl! ...No one tries to kiss you!

iHatch Chicks[edit]

Sam: Aw, look who's all grumpy cause he didn't get paired up with Carly for his little science project.

Freddie: Untrue.

Sam: True.

Freddie: So?

Carly: Just walk towards me, you nutty little chick!

Sam: Try to grab him!

Carly: [sarcastically] Wow, if only I'd thought of that!

Freddie: It says that baby chicks need to be kept at 90 degrees.

Carly: What's the temperature in here?

Spencer: 72.

Carly: Turn the heat up to 90!

Spencer: 90 degrees?

Sam: No, 90 pickles. Yes, 90 degrees!

Spencer: No need to be hurtful.

iDon't Want To Fight[edit]

Freddie: You know, they say when a girl constantly rips on a guy, it really just means she has a crush on him.

Sam: Yeah, but I wasn't ripping on a guy...I was ripping on you.

Sam: Guess what else I have?

Freddie: Pimples on your butt? (after a brief silence, he runs out of the room)

Sam: He was smart to run.

Carly: OH MY GOD, he must have charged you a fortune!

Sam: ZERO, I traded him the shirt you gave me for the tickets.

Carly: (pauses) You traded the shirt?

Sam: Yeah. Knuckle touch! (she holds a fist out)

Carly: ...I'm not touching your knuckles!

Sam: Why? They're clean; I washed them yesterday!

Spencer: Carly's not home yet.

Freddie: I know. But can I still come in though?

Spencer: Do you need to borrow money?

Freddie: No.

Spencer: Please come in. (he does) What's the matter? You look glum.

Freddie: I am glum.

Spencer: Why so glum?

Freddie: Can we stop saying glum?

Spencer: Sure.

Freddie: Carly and Sam are still fighting.

Spencer: Yeah, I've been worried about Carly. She's been really glum...glumpy.

Sam: First off, Carly said the shirt was no big deal. And the tickets I got were for Cuddlefish, a concert that Carly told me she was dying to go to! It's her favorite band!

Freddie: Let the record show that Carly is fond of Cuttlefish.

Sam: So yeah I traded the shirt, but it was to get something Carly wanted a lot. Something the two of us could've done together! And Carly refused to go to the concert so-

Carly: I would've gone with you if you'd just apologized!

Sam: Um, she interrupted me! Yank her ponytail!

Freddie: Nah, I'm gonna allow it.

Sam: Why?

Freddie: Because I love her!

Carly: Don't you give me ultimatums!

Sam: Don't use words I can't understand!

[Spencer just shattered his goldfish bowl]

Spencer: SWIMMY!

Freddie: I thought that was Brock!

Spencer: BROCK!

iPromote Techfoots[edit]

Sam: Carly, Freddie, this is Sonya, my personal chef.

Sonya: Yohoo.

Carly: What?!

Freddie: You hired a personal chef?!

Sam: Well, my mom doesn't feed me... and since I have some real money now, why not? Sonya, make me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes.

Sonya: Yes, Miss Sam!

Carly: I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomatoes.

Sam: Make that two, Sonya.

Sonya: Yes, Miss Sam!

Freddie: I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomatoes.

Sam: Tough nubs.

Daka President: Well, you know when you put out a new shoe, they always have a few minor problems.

Sam: Minor?

Freddie: What would be a major problem?

Carly: If they came to life in the middle of the night and ate your family?

Daka President: I live alone.

Sam: My uncle happens to be a lawyer!

Carly: I thought he got arrested.

Sam: Shhhhhh!

Sam: And wait til you see this...

Carly: For those cold winter days,

Sam: ...every Techfoot comes with a built-in toe warmer!

Carly: And if you turn the toe warmer on high-

Sam: Like this...

[Sam pushes several buttons on the front of the shoe and its tip begins to glow red]

Carly: Then bang it on a table...

[Sam bangs the shoe on the table, and then the shoe sparks and catches on fire]

Sam: [sarcastically] It magically catches on fire!

Carly: Isn't that handy?

Sam: That'll keep your piggies warm!

Carly: And not only that... [the two are handed hot dogs on sticks]

Sam: It's also perfect for...

Carly and Sam: [together] Roasting weenies!

Carly: What happened to your bike?

Spencer: I chained it to the curb for just two seconds while I went to go get something and one of those street cleaner things just sucked it right in! I need some milk...

Carly: Why don't you just start riding the bus again?

Spencer: No way, from now on I'll just get around the old fashioned way.

Sam: You're going to walk everywhere?

Spencer: Nope, I'm going to blade... Later!

Sonya: (while the Daka Employees are giving the group money) Blueberry muffin?

Daka Employee: (takes one, but the Daka President swats it out of his hand) I'm stupid.

Sam: Keep it coming...

Freddie: This is good.

Carly: This is fun. This is a fun time.

Carly: Where are we going?

Spencer: Canada!

Carly: See, you love their bacon.

Spencer: I do!

Carly: Even if it is just ham.

Spencer: It's good ham!

Carly: All ham's good ham!

iGot Detention[edit]

[Freddie and Sam sneak into the principal's office]

Sam: Dude, this is the principal's office!

Freddie: I know! I'm so bad. Look what I did! [pulls up the window blinds to reveal a spray-painted insult]

Sam: [reading the words on the window] "Freddie says: Principal Franklin-"

Sam and Freddie: "-sucks eggs!"

Freddie: Ha ha!

Sam: Impressive, that might get you double detention!

Freddie: Yep! When Principal Franklin sees that, you better believe he's gonna-

[A janitor washes the paint off the window to Freddie's horror]

Mr. Howard: I have ears like a hawk! I heard laughter! And I hate laughter!

Sam: I thought you hated your wife.

Mr. Howard: Her too!

Mr. Howard: Who slammed that locker?

Carly: Me?

Mr. Howard: Detention!

Carly: Really?

Mr. Howard: Tonight.

Carly: Yay!

Mr. Howard: Yay?

Carly: (Lower tone)Darn...

Spencer: Did I hear you say you got detention?

Carly: Yeah.

Spencer: Should I be concerned?

Carly: Not really.

iStakeout[edit]

Freddie: Do you really think Sam's gonna make me get a tattoo of her face?

Carly: I don't know, but if she does, won't your mom freak?

Freddie: She freaked when I spilled one tiny drop of mustard on my church pants!

[Carly laughs]

Freddie: What?

Carly: Church pants!

Sam: Freddie's never late for iCarly. Are you worried?

Carly: If I wasn't worried, would I be drinking water with this expression on my face?! [she quickly takes a sip of water with a frantic expression]

iMight Switch Schools[edit]

Slaps Freddy uncontrollably , then sneezes in his face Sam:Carlyle , Stop it , Stop It now![carly stops , falls to the ground , her eyes becoming there regular color not dark red] Carlyle:I'm ....I'm sorry Freddy :( Freddy:[sits up rubbing his cheek] it quite fine :P Evil Voice: I have tooken over your body carly you can't escape me , can't ,can't [does evil laugh] Carly: [screams covers both ears , falls to ground] stop it , Stop please :( Sam: Carls , you stress level has gone over , wreps :/ Carly: I know [gets off the floor , and walks over to the computer] Carly: a ha I found the . Perfect school [An hour or 2 later] Carly: good night guys [yawns] Both: goodnight

Carly then gets ready for bed , dreams of perfect felt school , failing horrible

iFence[edit]

Carly: Way to poke his chest, Freddie!

Sam: POKE IT AGAIN!

Kid: Hey Sam, we found a tub of old mayonnaise in the dumpster by the cafeteria.

Wendy: We're gonna fill these balloons with it and throw it at Ms. Briggs' car.

Kid: Come on!

Sam: Shhh! Reading!

[Kids shrug and walk away]

Sam: Make sure you get her windshield!

David: Hey Sam, does your mom drive a rusty old pickup truck?

Sam: Yeah.

David: It's on fire!

Sam: Shhh! Reading!

[Sam hits Spencer and Freddie's swords out of their hands]

Freddie: That's a foul!

Sam: So's your social life!

Carly: Why can't you read at your house?

Sam: Cause my mom keeps screaming at the cat to get a job...yeah, I don't know.

Carly: You coming?

Freddie: Sure, where?

Carly: Glitter Gloss.

[Freddie groans]

Spencer: What's Glitter Gloss?

Freddie: It's the most boring girly store ever! Well...next to Build-A-Bra.

Carly: Oh, let's go there too!

Sam: I hear they got new glow-in-the-dark straps!

Carly: And titanium hooks!

Sam: I can read a book!

Freddie: Name three books you've read.

Sam: Boogie Bear, Boogie Bear Two, and Boogie Bear Three: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Spencer: You're mad at me.

Carly: Yep.

Spencer: I'm sorry. The time just got away from us.

Carly: I wish the time had gotten away from me. But nooooo, I just spent the last two hours on Planet Dorfman!

Spencer: You have every right to be mad.

Carly: Clearly!

Spencer: But, see, Freddie's gotta fence this really mean kid named Doug Toder-

Carly: I don't wanna hear about Doug Toder!

Spencer: But-

Carly: Eh!

Spencer: But-

Carly: Eh!

Spencer: Carly-

Carly: I said, "eh"!

Mrs. Benson: We're going home to give you a tick bath!

Freddie: But I don't have ticks!

Mrs. Benson: Then the tick baths are working!

Spencer: Heh...tick bath.

Carly: [angrily] I should give you one!

Carly: Yeah, Freddie!

Sam: Kick his butt, Freddie!

Doug Toder: I don't believe it.

Mrs. Benson: Yeah?! Well, believe it, PUNK!

Spencer: He sliced my banana!

Carly: Who's the dude?

Sam: David, I hired him to read the book to me.

Carly: Then why is he rubbing your feet?

Sam: Because he was late. So I started reading it myself and it is fantastic! These things are great! It's like TV in your head!

Carly: Well, I'm glad you like reading.But I still don't see why David's rubbing your feet.

Sam: I already paid the kid; I had to make him do something.

David: [pleading] Please call my mother.

iCarly Saves TV[edit]

Producer: [to Sam] You're fired

Carly/Freddie: What?!

Sam: Hold on, hold on. If I'm fired do I get payed for the whole week?

Producer: Yeah!

Sam: Bye[walks out with rib]

Sam: Wait, will there be ribs?

Producer: Do you like ribs?

Sam: [quickly] Yes, very much.

Spencer: This is called a guava. (Spencer starts nodding head.)

Entire class: Guava. (The class starts nodding their heads.)

Sam: And now, Carly will spell the word "punctuality"...

Carly: While Sam screams like a girl in a horror movie about to be eaten by a monster. (which she does, as she holds her hair) P, U, N, C, T, U, A, L, I, T, Y.

Sam: (stops screaming) Nice job, Carls.

Carly: Thank you, Sam.

iWin a Date[edit]

Carly: Poor Gibby...it must be horrible to love someone who doesn't love you back. (Freddie looks at her) ...Sorry.

Freddie: [holding up a bunch of love notes] These are love notes.

Carly: Uh-oh, from Shannon?

Freddie: Uh-huh! And try taking a test while she's staring at you like this! [makes flirty poses while smiling suggestively, imitating Shannon]

Carly: Please never make those faces again.

Freddie: What's it gonna take to make Shannon understand? I don't wanna go out with her!

Carly: Now, what did you break with the baseball?

Spencer: Nothing...

Carly: Did you kill our goldfish?

Spencer: Yes... [walking out the door] I think he wanted to die.

Carly: That fish had hopes and dreams.

Gibby: I'm all Gibby. And you know what that means?

Carly: Tell her what it means Gibby!!!

Gibby: It means I like to dance! WITH MY SHIRT OFF!!

iHave a Lovesick Teacher[edit]

Freddie: Oh, hey! I uh, just got the new cable for the-(sees Ms. Ackerman in her red dress) Whoa!

Carly: ...I also said whoa.

Ms. Ackerman: Hey, Freddie, what are you doing here?

Freddie: I was just uh, coming over to help work on the webshow...with Carly...WHOA!

Carly: Okay, why don't we go upstairs before you start drooling. (pushes him upstairs)

Ms. Ackerman: Have fun, you guys.

Freddie: (while being pushed, he repeatedly looks at Ms. Ackerman) Sick.

Carly: Go!

Carly: You gave me a F on a quiz I never took?!

Ms. Ackerman: That's right! F F F F-ity F F!

Sam: [angrily] Okay, that is jank!

Ms. Ackerman: Life is jank!

Ms. Ackerman: And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together... [to Spencer] THEN I HATE YOU! AND THE INTERNET! (she angrily takes her purse, opens the door, swats a small vase to the floor and leaves) Ow...

Spencer: Okay. What was the point of all this? Now she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

Sam: I dunno...

Freddie: Lot of people watch iCarly.

Sam: And sometimes...

Carly: We make sure certain specific people watch.

Freddie: Yes...yes we do.

Spencer: You guys are up to something and I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS!

Ms. Ackerman: You set me up!

Freddie: That's a lie!

Carly: No, we set her up.

Freddie: Oh yeah. (the FBI takes Ms. Ackerman out of the room, and everyone cheers)

Sam: So, now what do we do?

Freddie: Well, we should probably tell Principal Franklin that our teacher was arrested.

Carly: Or we can go ice skating!

Season 2[edit]

iSaw Him First[edit]

Carly: Did you feel his arm muscles?

Sam: No.

Carly: Oh. Well, they're large.

Sam: You didn't feel his arm muscles!

Carly: [speaking very fast] Yes, I did, too! He told me that he can beat his dad in arm wrestling, and I said, "No way," and he said, "Oh, no, it's true," and I said, "Wow, you must be really strong," and he said, "Well, I work out a little bit," and I said, "Really?" And he said, "Yeah, you wanna feel my biceps?" And I said, "Sure, I do," and so I felt them, and they felt awesome.

Carly: I have a date with Shane tonight!

Sam: Obviously!

Carly: What's that supposed to mean?

Sam: Why don't you ask your new helping bra!?

Carly: (gasps) That's it! I'm out of here! (Carly walks out, walks back in) This is my house!

(Sam walks out)

Carly: (defensively) There's nothing wrong with a little help.

Sam: [to Carly] Wouldn't it be easier to just write "I'm desperate" on your forehead?

iStage an Intervention[edit]

Freddie: [picks up plastic bag] What's this?

Spencer: Bag of dog hair.

Freddie: Whoa! [drops bag]

Carly: Where'd you get a bag of dog hair?

Spencer: I stopped by that pet grooming place down the street.

Carly: Shampoodles?

Spencer: Uh-huh.

Carly: Hey, I thought you were Freddie.

Sam: If anyone else said that to me, I'd punch them in the mouth.

Sam: My mom told me I couldn't go out unless my room was clean, so I locked the door, snuck out the window, and took a bus here....Got any meat?

Freddie: This has nothing to do with Consuela!

Carly: Yes, it does! And I'm not leaving this room until you- (sparks come out of the computer) AH! I'm going downstairs! (she runs, the computer sparks again, she screams and she goes out the door)

Freddie: Carly... (sparks come out again) AHHHH!

Sam: Gary Wolf is so gorgeous.

Carly: Why does he have to be a senior? A hot, hot senior?

Spencer: I did what you said. I shaved, I took a shower, I mailed that movie back to Webflix, I-

[The elevator opens to reveal Sasha Striker]

Spencer: Who's the girl in the sexy purple tank top?

Sasha: I hear you're really good. So why don't you beat me?

Spencer: Oh, you don't think I can, do you?

Sasha: I know you can't. But I like a challenge.

Spencer: You know, I feel scared and attracted to you at the same time.

Sam: Are you guys gonna make out, or play some Pak-Rat?

Sam: STOP WATCHING THE VIDEO GAME CHANNEL, YA BIG BUNCH OF LOSERS! YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIVES! GET A JOB, KISS A GIRL, DO SOMETHING! (to the news reporter) No offense.

Sasha: Nice game.

Spencer: Thanks. Back atcha.

Sasha: You wanna go for a ride?

Spencer: I would love to. [sees Carly, Sam, and Freddie looking at him] But, this is all I can give you right now. [kisses Sasha]

Sasha: [steps on the elevator] Call me.

Spencer: We'll see.

(Carly is sleeping on the Pak-Rat machine after having played it all night)

Spencer: Carly? Carls? Hey?

Carly: (sleepy) Hmmmmmm?

Spencer: Did you play Pak-Rat all night?

Carly: Mm-hmm. It's so fun...

Spencer: Yeah...all right, kiddo. Go on up to bed.

Carly: Carry me... (he does) It's such a fun game...

Spencer: I know.

Sam: Oh, man. I got another of those chain letter e-mails from Gibby.

Carly: Well, you better forward it, or you'll have all kinds of bad luck, just like Freddie did.

Sam: Freddie didn't have any bad luck.

Carly: What are you talking about?

Sam: I did all that stuff.

Carly: What? Wait. His bike falling apart?

Sam: I loosened some bolts.

Carly: His laptop smoking?

Sam: Shorted out the battery.

Carly: The pink shorts?

Sam: One red sock in his washing machine.

Carly: Okay, what about the spider on his face?

Sam: That was just lucky.

Freddie: Hey.

Carly: Hi. I gotta tell you something.

Freddie: You're gonna tell me that there was no bad luck? That Sam did all that stuff to me?

Carly: How'd you know?

Freddie: Well, I didn't know when it was my pink shorts and my laptop, but I saw her loosening the bolts on my bike.

Carly: But I thought your bike fell apart while you were riding it.

Freddie: Nope, I just pretended on that one.

Carly: So you're not gonna try to get her back?

Freddie: You mean, do something devious, like sending a fake text message that looked like it came from Gary Wolf, telling her to meet him at the Crown Ridge Mall?

Carly: I didn't know you could be so bad.

iOwe You[edit]

Freddie: You squished my trackpad finger!

Carly: That's not something a cool person says.

Freddie: I don't care! [to Sam] So are you gonna pay us back or what?

Sam: I was until I realized how much it'd be.

Carly: How much do you have?

Sam: Let's see. [reaches into pocket] I've got...14 bucks...a double A battery...some string, a fork, and...I think that's an olive.

Carly: The olive's moving.

Freddie: Are you having some kind of lip seizure?

Carly: I'm trying to blend coconut lip gloss and pineapple lip gloss to create a Piña Colada flavor. [rubs lips together] I realize this isn't attractive.

Freddie: Actually, it kinda is. So, does it taste like Piña Colada?

Carly: You wanna find out?

Freddie: Yes!

Carly: (reading a text message) "Sam did nothing wrong. She didn't do the thing you're mad about. She's not that kind of...girf."

Principal Franklin: Girf?

Sam: Girl!

Carly: Well you wrote girf!

Spencer: CARLY! Carly, come down here! CARLY! CARLY!

Carly: Spencer, it's six in the morning!

Spencer: I know, but I've got big news!

Carly: I can't take you seriously when you're wearing duck pajama pants. (Spencer pulls down his pants) ...Duck boxers?

Freddie: ...But wait. The fudge balls aren't free.

Carly: No, but when you subtract the cost of the fudge balls from the money our fans sent us, we still make $541 in profit. And Spencer wins the bike for the little sunshine girl.

Freddie: ...But wait. What do we do with the money?

Carly: Well, we get to keep 541, and Sam owes us 526, so we give Sam the 526, and then she can pay us back and quit her stupid job.

Freddie: ...But wait.

Carly: Stop saying but wait!

Freddie: Sam's not gonna take the money from us.

Carly: Why wouldn't she?

Freddie: It's a pride thing. It's why she won't quit her job. If we just give her the money, she won't feel like she really paid us back.

Carly: Yeah. Okay, how about this?

Freddie: Yeah?

Carly: We find some adult that Sam doesn't know.

Freddie: Okay.

Carly: And we give him the $526 and then he gives the money to Sam as a tip at the restaurant.

Freddie: That's brilliant.

Carly: Isn't it?

Freddie: ...But wait.

Carly: WHAT?!

Freddie: That leaves an extra $15.

Carly: Yeah, five for me, five for Sam and five for you. Go nuts.

iHurt Lewbert[edit]

Spencer: [looking at his ribs in the form of a necklace] You ate my ribs?

Sam: I made the bones into a necklace!

Freddie: Morning, girls. Check me out.

Carly: What?

Freddie: [lifts up shirt] No belt. And look- [lifts hem of pants] Open-toed shoes.

Sam: [sarcastically] Wow, you're an animal.

Carly: But I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.

Freddie: Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night? Slept with my socks on.

Sam: So?

Freddie: Just my socks.

Sam: [food falls out of mouth]

[Spencer spills a soda on the bell to put out a small fire. Mrs. Benson walks in]

Mrs. Benson: Hello Spencer.

Spencer: Hi Mrs. Benson.

Mrs. Benson: Any word on how Lewbert's doing?

Spencer: I've got the kids keeping an eye on him.

Mrs. Benson: Well I think it's very nice that you're covering for Lewbert while he's out.

[Mrs. Benson puts her hand on the desk]

Mrs. Benson: Why is this counter wet and sticky?

Spencer: Oh, well.. [stammers]

Mrs. Benson: Wet and sticky is very icky. Sticky and wet makes mommy upset.

Spencer: ...I don't know how to respond to that.

Freddie: PUT. THE BOWS. DOWN!

Carly: What's up?

Sam: Why do we have to-

Freddie: You were right! You guys were right, okay?! My mom, she...she likes Lewbert. DAAAARGHHH!!

Sam: Aw, well maybe she'll-

Freddie: NO JOKES, PUCKETT, THIS IS SERIOUS CHIZZ!

Carly: Okay. Calm down.

Freddie: I can't!

Sam: Benson...

Freddie: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT LEWBERT COULD BECOME MY DADDY?!

Lewbert: THIS ISN'T TOMATO JUICE!!!

Carly: Then, what is it?

Lewbert: Uh, nothing.

iGo To Japan! Carly: Wait, so when do we peform? [Crowd laughs] Carly: And why was that funny? {crowd laughs} Host: You already won. Carly: Wait, what? Host: The winners for best web comedy show is: iCarly! [Crowd claps]

iPie[edit]

Spencer: Hey guys, come on.

Carly: Where?

Spencer: Galini's pie shop!

Carly: Pie for breakfast?

Spencer: Don't say "Pie for breakfast?", say "PIE FOR BREAKFAST?!"

Spencer: I gotta have some coconut cream pies to go.

Mario: Eiiiy! I got to see if we have enough.

Spencer: What? You always have enough! Why would you say you don't have enough? Now I'm scared. What?

Freddie: [after trying to entertain the baby with a bear costume] I thought I heard you guys out here.

Carly: Freddie? Is that you in there?

Freddie: Yeah. It's me...

Sam: Oh my gosh, the bear ate Freddie. Bad bear! [hits Freddie with an umbrella, and Freddie goes down]

Freddie: Ahhh! Never do that again!

Sam: You're not the boss of me. [hits Freddie again]

Trudy: What do you say we move this party to the couch?

Spencer: Uhhhhh..... the couch is broken.

Trudy: Well why don't we go break it some more!

Trudy: I wanna be an actress, you know like in movies and junk.

iChristmas[edit]

Carly: Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!

Mitch: Wow, you say, "Mitch" a lot!

Carly: It's my fault you're in here.

Sam: YOU'RE the one who called the cops?!

Carly: If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?

Sam: A tattoo of what?

Carly: A foot.

Sam: How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?

Carly: I told you, we're best friends.

Sam: What's my favorite color?

Carly: Brown.

Sam: Why?

Carly: It's the color of gravy.

Sam: What's my favorite junk food?

Carly: Fat cakes.

Sam: What's my favorite book?

Carly: Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Sam: what do I hate most?

Carly: People.

Sam: What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Carly: An invisible ninja.

Sam: ...wow...

Nevel: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! La-de-da-li-de-dah!

Spencer: Carly, I think you better calm down.

Carly: I don't want to calm down!

Rona: She's crazy.

Carly: I heard that, Rona!

Mrs. Benson: Can I get you some ibuprofen?

Carly: NO! (to Spencer) I just want you back! I want you the way you're supposed to be! I want you to make crazy sculptures, and to accidentally set stuff on fire, and to wear socks that light up. (to Mrs. Benson) And I want you to be single and lonely again! (to Nevel) And I want you to leave the country... (to Rona) And...nobody even likes you! (to Spencer) And...I want Sam back! (to Freddie) And I want you to be my friend and say "in five, four, three, two," but not the one, which I never understood, but I liked it! And...I just want my life back! (runs upstairs crying)

Nevel: Well. Bah, humbug.

Carly: Thank you, Mitch.

Mitch: Thank you.

Carly: Why thank me?

Mitch: Because, if it weren't for you, I would have never gotten my wings. (the computer screen shifts down to show a plate of chicken wings)

Carly: ...Chicken wings?

iKiss[edit]

Carly: You handcuffed her to Gibby?!

Freddie: She put a dead fish in my locker!

Sam: Gibby's WAY worse than a dead fish!

Gibby: My mom thinks I'm awesome!

Gibby: [screams and runs away after being handcuffed to Sam for an extended period of time]

Carly: As if Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!

[On iCarly, a fake movie trailer is being shown that the kids filmed]

Announcer: A comedy no one wants to see! Kelly Cooper: Terrible Movie!

[Carly, as Kelly, falls off stool and screams]

Announcer: It's really bad!

Sam: [after Freddie shows himself to the audience] That was our technical producer Freddie, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So guess what?... [pause] Freddie's never kissed a girl. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Carly's a witness.okay, Later. [walks away]

Carly: [running after Sam] Sam! Sam! You just ruined Freddie's life! [Freddie drops the camera he is holding.]

Sam: Well, how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

Carly: I don't know, just get in front of the camera and do it.

(Gibby throws coffee in Spencer's face)

Spencer: What was that about?!

Gibby: Well, Carly said, "If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."

Spencer: Right. Well, that was HOT COFFEE!

Gibby: Oh, well can I have a cup of water?

Spencer: NO!

Mr. Devlin: The important thing is to be proud of yourself. You need to face the world with shoulders cocked, and say, "I AM FREDDIE BENSON, AND I HAVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL!" (other students start laughing) Hey there! Stop that! Stop laughing at this unfortunate misfit!

Carly: You are gonna start with building up some muscle.

Spencer: I have muscle.

Carly: Do you?

Spencer: Yes.

Carly: Then take off your shirt and jump up and down.

Spencer: I don't wanna.

Carly: Why not?

Spencer: 'Cause I'll jiggle.

[on iCarly]

Carly: And now, what you've all been waiting for...

Sam: Carly and I are about to have our very first...

Carly and Sam: MEATBALL WAR!

Sam: With our slingshots...

Carly: And a hundred meatballs!

Sam: But um... before we start our meatball war, I wanna say something. On the last iCarly... I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone and... that was really personal and I shouldn't say it on the show. And for all you people out there who's been teasing Freddie about it, lay off! Because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either... including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me. Which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!

Freddie: [makes short laughing type noise]

Sam: What?

Freddie: Nothing it's-

Sam: Tell me!

Freddie: Nah it's dumb.

Sam: Say it!

Freddie: Ok. I was gonna say...

Sam: That we should kiss?

Freddie: [looking down] You're going to break my arm now right.

Sam: [shakes head] No.

Freddie: Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

Sam: Hm. Just to get it over with.

Freddie: Just to get it over with.

Sam: And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

Freddie: Oh totally, and we never tell anyone.

Sam: Never [pause] well, lean.

[Sam and Freddie kiss]

Freddie: Well that was..

Sam: Nice.

Freddie: Yeah, nice, uh.

Sam: Good work.

Freddie: Thank you, you too.

[Sam turns around to leave]

Freddie: Hey. [Sam turns back around. Freddie smiles] I hate you.

Sam: [Makes short laugh noise. Smiles] Hate you too. [Leaves]

[Sam grabs Freddie by the collar]

Sam: I don't play to get even. [jerks Freddie towards her] Mama plays to win.

iGive Away a Car[edit]

Spencer: Okay, you're lying. What makes you lie?

Freddie: I'm not lying.

Spencer: Yeah, you are. Feel like a big boy, telling your big boy lies?

Freddie: Spencer!

Spencer: Yes, little Larry Lies-a-Lot?

Carly: Are you ready, Nevel?

Nevel: [sarcastically] Yes, my heart is pounding.

Sam: Good, maybe it'll explode.

Nevel: I didn't come here to be insulted.

Carly: Wait a minute...why do you have that printed out?

Nevel: Because I like to print things.

Freddie: No...you'd only print that out if you knew you were gonna need it.

Sam: Yeah. How did you know there was gonna be a problem getting you the car?

Nevel: Oh, please. I don't have time to be interviewed.

Carly: So where's our couch?

Spencer: YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN COUCHES, OKAY?

Carly: What?

Spencer: I don't know...

Nevel: I suspected as much. I figured you iCarlys would try and pull a fast one!

Sam: Who still says "pull a fast one"?

Carly: What's wrong with you, Nevel?! Why is your lifelong dream to get rid of iCarly?!

Nevel: It's not. My lifelong dream is to open my own haberdashery.

Freddie: What is a haberdashery?

Nevel: Oh, why does EVERYONE ask that?! (he starts to walk off, but goes back to them and talks fast) ...A haberdashery is a men's retail shop that sells men's accessories such as wallets, hats, buttons, belts, ribbons, and zippers!

Sam: ...I know that look. That's your thinking look.

Spencer: Oh, I'm thinking. You thinking?

Sam: Yeah, I'm thinking we think of the same thing?

Spencer: We are, if we're thinking about a way to give Nevel a vehicle that's never been state registered and can go 25 miles an hour.

Sam: Oh...no. I was thinking about fried chicken.

Nevel: What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?

Carly: Yeah.

Sam: We think it will. (to Carly) Carly, would you say this vehicle is...unique?

Carly: Oh, it is clearly unique. (to Freddie) Freddie, has it ever been state registered?

Freddie: Why, no, Carly, it hasn't.

Carly: You think he did 25 miles an hour?

Spencer: Oh yeah.

Mr. Bullock: You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you go at least 25. (an ambulance can be heard off screen)

Sam: Where'd you guys get those ice pops?

Spencer: Over there.

iRocked the Vote[edit]

Carly: Freddie, be quiet. Sam, stop licking technology!

Spencer: I think someone broke your yo-yo.

Carly: I think you need to go downstairs.

Carly: You've gotta get a girlfriend.

Freddie: I know. ...Um-

Carly: No.

Freddie: Yep.

Carly: Aww! His mother needs surgery...

Spencer: (deadpan) She's not gettin' it now.

David Archuleta: Should we tell them what room?

Carly: I don't think we should

David: [pleased] Room 513.

Carly: That's room five one three! [holds up fingers for each number]

Carly: [about Spencer] He's a terrible liar. One time we--

Spencer: Don't tell the story!

Carly: I'm telling the story! One time we were going to ride roller-coasters on a school day, and when Spencer came to get me, he told Ms. Briggs he was taking me to the doctor. So Ms. Briggs says "Which one?" and Spencer said...

Spencer: [meekly] Dr. Roller-coaster.

Carly: And guess what I didn't get to ride that day.

(Carly arrives in the elevator wearing a silver dress)

Carly: Hey, do you think this dress is a little too..."saucy"?

Freddie: It's a music video. You have to look hotter than you usually do.

Carly: Why, thank you.

Freddie: I don't wanna do this anymore.

Carly: We have to! His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us he'd have a big record deal and lots of money and stop drooling over those girls!

Wade Collins: You are all a bunch of hob-knockers!

Carly: Hob-knockers?

Wade: I'm going downstairs to get some yah-gurt.

Carly: Yah-gurt?

Freddie: Um, We're in the middle of shooting YOUR music video!

Wade: No, you're all busy worshiping that filthy little beast! UGH! Why are all Americans such IDIOTS?! [slams door]

Spencer: I thought we were hob-knockers.

Sam: So, Dave, what was it like hanging it out with Wade Collins?

David Archuleta: Oh, you know, he's...okay.

Carly: You don't like him, do you?

David: Not really, no.

Sam: Let it out, David.

David: Well, he called me a hob-knocker. I don't even know what that means.

Carly: [whispers the meaning of hob-knocker into David's ear]

David: Oh! Gross!

Sam: And illegal.

Wade Collins: [in a YouTube Poop-style video] I wanted tuna fish! [knocks the plate of ham sandwich out of Carly's hand, edited to do it three times]

Scene 2

[Wade hocks and spits onto the floor]

Scene 3

Wade Collins: [screen is flashing all different colors] I've got a pimple in my ear.

Scene 4

Wade Collins: [Gibby is blow-drying his hair] Too hot! [video repeats] ...hot! [video repeats] ...hot!

Gibby: I'm sorry! [Wade takes the blowdryer, aims it at Gibby, and blows it in his face, causing him to run off]

Scene 5

Wade Collins: [screen flashes negative] You're a stupid American, Freddie. Stupid American!

Scene 6

[Wade spits again]

Scene 7

[Wade sneezes on Gibby intentionally]

Scene 8

Wade Collins: [walks by several music video-dressed girls] You're all a bunch of stupid American girls! You bunch of hob-knockers!

Scene 9

Wade Collins: I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I WANT MONEY! [screen turns green, echoing "MONEY!"]

Scene 10

[Wade spits again]

Scene 11

Wade Collins: [screams at a bystander] HOB-- HOB-- HOB-KNOCKER!

Scene 12

Wade Collins: [eating spaghetti] I have to look beautiful! Jibley [Gibby]!

Scene 13

[Wade growls at the camera]

Scene 14

Wade Collins: I hate children, I hate teenagers, I hate animals, AND I HATE AMERICA!

[video ends]

Carly: [sarcastically] Isn't he charming?

iMeet Fred[edit]

Freddie: I stopped wearing antibacterial underpants and I'm entitled to my opinion.

Carly: And it's my opinion that we're out of time anyway!

Sam: So 'till the next iCarly...

Carly: Stay in school!

Sam: Recycle!

Carly: Pour milk on your parents.

Sam: Hug a duck.

Carly: Eat a stick of butter.

Sam: And shampoo a squirrel.

Fred: Why won't this cabbage speak Spanish? MUCHACHO!

Spencer: Will my phone ring in the next five seconds? (shakes the Magic Meatball)

Magic Meatball: The answer is no. (Sam laughs lightly)

Spencer: ...Spooky, huh?

Fred: Hey, it's me. If you saw the last iCarly, then you heard Freddie Benson say he doesn't like my Fred videos.

Freddie: (on playback) 'Cause I don't think Fred is all that funny.

Fred: Thank you for crushing my feelings. Now, I'm not gonna post any more Fred videos. Ever, again. Internet, I click you goodbye. (displays “good bye from Fred")

Sam: See what you did? You killed Fred! (hurts Freddie, Freddie groans)

Freddie: I was giving my own honest opinion!

Freddie: Why are you drinking ketchup?

Spencer: My magic meatball told me to.

(there is a paint writing on the lockers that says "iCARLY KILLED FRED!")

Carly: Why are they blaming our whole show? It's all Freddie's fault!

Freddie: Hey!

Carly: Well...

Freddie: Well, it's way worse for me! I've been kicked out of everything except the junior bow and arrow club. (a fiery arrow hits a locker near him, and he takes a letter off of it) ...I'm out.

Freddie: Why pick on me?

Sam: Two reasons. Number one, I looooooove it...number two, this whole fight between iCarly and Fred is YOUR FAULT!

Freddie: I just said I didn't think his videos were all that funny! He's the one who overreacted and started this whole brouhaha!

Sam: Brouhaha?

Carly: You can't say things like brouhaha and not expect people to hit you.

Freddie: (on the phone) Because, I just don't see what's funny about Fred. It's not my fault he quit! Hey, you don't have to call me names. Oh yeah? WELL, YOU'RE A BIGGER ONE! (angrily hangs up)

Carly: Who was that?

Freddie: My Aunt Jennifer.

Carly: Uh, what you got there?

Spencer: It's a smoothie.

Sam: I think she meant the gigantic bird.

Spencer: Oh. This is Marvin, he's an ostrich. I just bought him.

Carly: Your magic meatball told you to?

Spencer: Yes.

Reporter: Sam, is it true that you've been arrested four times?

Sam: Three times! Get your facts straight!

Carly: And GET OUT OF HERE! (as the reporters are talking, the group pushes them out, shuts the door and puts in the latch)

Spencer: AHHHHH! Marvin bit my pants!

Sam: He's chuckling.

Carly: I see him chuckling; why are you chuckling?!

Lucas: Because you guys are cute.

Freddie: We're CUTE?

Carly: Okay, I get it. The real problem here is that YOU'RE INSANE!

Lucas: Am I?

Carly: Um, pretty much, yeah.

Freddie: Kind of psycho.

Sam: Yep.

Lucas: So...are we friends?

Carly: I guess.

Lucas: You sure?

Carly: Sure.

Lucas: ...Should we kiss?

Carly: No...

Lucas: See? We made up.

Freddie: We're all good.

Sam: Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that.

Carly: Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! (Sam chants with her. Freddie and Lucas look at eachother and hug. Freddie pats him on the back)

iLook Alike[edit]

Spencer: [after being sprayed in the face with purple spray paint] Can someone bring me a tissue?

Carly: [reacting to Spencer saying no to her going to a MMA match] Okay, since when did you turn uncool?

Spencer: Um, when did you turn into a big baby who yells at me the first time she doesn't get what she wants?

Carly: Right when you stop giving me what I want!

Fake Sam: Hey, when did Freddie start looking so hot?

Real Sam: Okay, this chick is nothing like me!

Real Carly: Oh, come on, you guys could be sisters!

Real Sam: [to the fake Sam] You ever been arrested?

Fake Sam: No.

Real Sam: We cannot be related.

Spencer: [walking in on the fake iCarly cast] Holy similar!

Spencer: [on the couch, waking up after recovering from a brutal toss against a wall] Ugh...I mean it Carly! You're grounded for two...two weeks! [notices iCarly on the computer featuring Jackson Colt] Why is Jackson Colt dancing with a bra?

iWant My Website Back[edit]

Spencer: The bunny has conflicting emotions!

[Carly and Freddie look at the computer screen and scream in horror]

Carly: AHHH! It's Mandy!

Freddie: Oh it IS her.

Carly: Of course it's her! Why would I say "it's her" if it wasn't her?! OH MY GOD it's her!

Spencer: Hey, what's up, Carly and friends?

Carly: Nothing!

Sam: Everything!

Spencer: Well, that's not vague.

(after Spencer's disguise is revealed)

Spencer: Now you listen to me, Nevel. You better give my little sister her website back, or I SWEAR i'll-

Nevel: YOU'LL WHAT?!?!?!

Spencer: YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT I'LL DO!

Nevel: Nay, nay! You will have a pleasant attitude when you kiss me, or the deal's off.

Carly: Okay...but you sign this first.

Nevel: No, you kiss me first.

Carly: If I kiss you, how do I know you'll sign it afterwards?

Nevel: ...You don't trust me. Smart girl. Hand over the document. (she gives him the document and he signs it)

Carly: [to Spencer] What size dress do you wear?

Spencer: [quickly] Ten. Why?

Carly: iCarly has been hijacked by a psycotic she-duck!

Spencer: [pulling a package out of his grocery bag] Mexican sponges!

Carly: What do you want, Nevel?

Nevel: The same thing I wanted on the day we first met. A kiss. A kiss is what I seek. Upon your lips. No, not your cheek!

Carly: Okay, first of all, no one likes a rhymer.

Mandy: [petting Spencer's shirt] Nice bird...

Spencer: Stop it!

Spencer: [pretending to be an old woman] I never knew you were such a handsome young boy!

Nevel: Oh, I blush!

Carly: (calling out from the window) THANKS, NEVEL!

Nevel: (on the ground, facing them) YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, CARLY SHAY! I DECLARE THAT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY! YOU'LL RUE IT!

Carly: Give me the guacamole. (Freddie and Spencer give her a large pail of guacamole) RUE THIS, NEVEL!

Nevel: Wait, what is she...oh no. (the guacamole falls from the window and right on him)

iMake Sam Girlier[edit]

Wendy: And at some point during the slumber party, Sam took my bra, filled it with pudding, and stuck it in the freezer. Then in the morning she took it out and threatened to beat my brother with it unless he gave her his muffin.

Gibby: (to Veronica) Wanna dance?

Veronica: Uh, no thanks?

Gibby: Why not? 'Cause I'm different? (brief pause) ...Your loss, lady!

Freddie: Sam, even though you CONSTANTLY cause me both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL pain...haha, not joking...I like to think of us as really close friends.

Sam: Apparently I haven't caused him ENOUGH emotional pain!

Carly: If you wanna be all soft and girly, you gotta-

Sam: Don't say it!

Carly: I'm just gonna say-

Sam: Don't!

Carly: Okay, I won't say it.

Sam: Thanks.

Carly: ...Panties.

Sam: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Gibby: A couple years ago, I asked Sam to go with me to the Junior High dance.

Everyone: Awwww...

Gibby: So she broke my thumb.

(Sam puts a paper bag over Freddie's face)

Carly: Sam?!

Sam: Well, how can I pretend to have a crush on Freddie if I'm looking at his face?!

Freddie: You know, I don't need this!

Carly: Gibby, don't you want to put your vest back on?

Gibby: What are you, a cop?

Spencer: Okay, fine! THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!

Veronica: (runs back to Spencer) ...You do look cute in that tux.

Spencer: I know. (the two kiss)

Carly: Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Carly: Rip her head off!

iGo Nuclear[edit]

Sam: Can I be excused?

Mr. Henning: You need to go to the restroom?

Sam: No, I just hate this.

Carly: [screams and throws a worm at the celing] Aww, you stuck to the ceiling.

(after Cal jumps out the glass door of the Groovy Smoothie and is pursued)

Mr. Henning: You built...an illegal nuclear powered generator?!

Carly: Uh, sort of, maybe. ...But, I still get an A+, right? (Henning shakes his head) A-? (he shakes his head again) ...Root and Berry? (he nods)

Carly: You think I'm pudgy.

Spencer: I never said that.

Carly: Maybe I should just leave the room before my skirt explodes!

Spencer: I never said-- [a worm falls on Spencer's head] ...a worm fell on my head.

Little kid: Hey! Move, lady!

Carly: I'm helping the environment!

Little kid: Stupid hippie!

Carly: I'm a plant murderer! One day, they'll make a movie about me called The Plant Murderer!

Spencer: (seeing the plant Carly accidentally killed) YOU'RE A PLANT MURDERER!

iDate a Bad Boy[edit]

T-Bo: You want some bagels?

Spencer: No, I just want a smoothie.

Spencer: ...LET'S just recap. You STEAL my motorcycle. I DON'T have you arrested. I'm forced to wait an hour...for BAGELS I didn't even WANT! (grabs the bag and shakes it) And then I come HOME to find you CHEWING on my sister's FACE!

Griffin: We were kissing.

Spencer: GUILTY!

Carly: (talking very fast and explaining how she kissed Griffin) Well, Wendy and I were trying to study but Griffin kept getting annoying, so Wendy got frustrated and left. Then I told Griffin he was obnoxious and he said I should "chill out" and I said "Oh really?" and then while I was telling him how I have needed to study I realized he's super-cute, and he asked me if I like music, so I go "Who doesn't like music?". So then I turned on some music and we started kissing and then I realized he's really sweet, and fun and his face was right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed him!

T-Bo: Here's your smoothie.

Sam: Thanks. (pays him)

T-Bo: You want some bagels with that? [Winks]

Sam: DON'T START WITH ME!

Griffin: [to Carly] If I go to your apartment, your brother's gonna want to tase me.

Sam: Nah, I´ve been tased before...It's not so bad. [with a dreamy look] It's actually kind of a rush...

Freddie: But I'm better right?

Sam: [To Freddie] Sure [Mouths to Carly and Griffin] No!!!

Carly: [to Griffin] Why don't you go steal something and go, "Duh, I stole something?"?

Spencer: You are grounded... for... till college.

Carly: For till college?!

Spencer: FOR TILL COLLEGE!

Spencer: I may be an idiot...but I'm not stupid.

iReunite with Missy[edit]

[Carly and Missy squeal and hug repeatedly]

Sam: Are you gonna do that every day?

Carly: [about Sam being paranoid] And last year you were sure Gibby was a mermaid.

Sam: He hates wearing shirts! Coincidence?

Sam: I feel like butt! (coughs) Remember that time you dared me to lick the swing set?

Freddie: No, I said, "Sam, don't lick the swing set," and you said, "Don't tell me what to do, Benson," and then you licked the swing set.

Carly: [about the expiration date of a box of chocolates] I can't read this. It's written in...foreign.

Sam: Well I looked it up, it says 1992. That chocolate's older than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air!

Carly: What are you doing?! (swats a piece of Persian chocolate out of Sam's hand)

Sam: Having a piece of Persian chocolate.

Carly: You said it was a stomach bomb!

Sam: But it's so good. (she tries to take another, but Carly swats that out too)

Spencer: ...Why did I pick THAT for my ringtone?!

iTake On Dingo[edit]

Sam: Those dingo people are dead!

Carly: What are we going to do?

Sam: We're gonna go find them and kick them in their dingoes!

Carly: Okay, next person who says bowels sleeps in the bathtub!

Hobo: BOWELS! I got the bathtub!

Carly: No! No, no no no no. (she runs and closes the window shades)

Sam: Let's shake 'em up.

Carly: Woah woah woah, what is that?

Sam: A sock full of butter.

Carly: We're not gonna go in there and hit TV writers with a big buttery sock! We gotta be professional.

Sam: Fine, but if they deny stealing ideas from iCarly, I'm gonna get swingy with this thing!

Carly: Not unless I say it's okay.

Spencer: Why else would you keep a cryogenic freezer like that?

Freddie: Cryogenic frozen pizzas?

Sam: May I get swingy?

Carly: Yes.

(Sam whacks a Totally Teri writer with a sock filled with butter)

iMust Have Locker 239[edit]

Mr. Howard: Wearing a turtleneck is a violation of school rules.

Carly: Oh, I can't wear a turtleneck, but he can be shirtless?

Gibby: Check the handbook. (he gives it to Carly)

[Everyone is standing in front of Locker 239]

Freddie: I could fit a whole editing bay in there...

Sam: You could fit a body in there...

[Everyone looks at her oddly]

Sam: If one needed to!

Principal Franklin: Yes Gibby, you have a question.

Gibby: Yes. How many fat cakes are in that container?

Principal Franklin: Oh Gibby, there's so much not right about you.

Principal Franklin: Before I announce the winner, I feel compelled to tell you the worst guess, which was 5. [holds up a piece of paper with Gibby's name and the number five on it]

Gibby: I won?! I won! [starts taking off his shirt]

Principal Franklin: No Gibby, you didn't win. In fact, your guess was so far off that we're calling your parents and having you tested.

Gibby: Again?

Freddie: What did you do to my locker?!

Sam: MY locker.

Freddie: OUR locker!

Sam: When did you turn into my wife?

Spencer: You're overreacting!

Carly: No, the head of security said, "You're never allowed back in this community center ever again"!

Spencer: People forget!

Carly: They took our pictures and thumbprints!

Spencer: ...Yeah, they're never letting us back in there.

iTwins[edit]

[during the iCarly webcast]

Sam: I call this video "Gullible Freddie." Check this out.

[In the video, Freddie walks into Ridgeway dressed up as a clown. Everyone laughs]

Freddie: Hey! Why aren't you guys dressed as clowns?! [Carly and Sam burst out laughing]

Sam: What do you mean?

Freddie: I got an email from the school telling me that today was clown day. Didn't you guys get-- you guys sent me the email.

Carly: [points to Sam] She made me!

Freddie: Wait, is this on camera? GIBBY, COME HERE! [screen goes to static]

Freddie: People care what I think!

Mr. Howard: No, they don't.

Freddie: Yes, sir...

Freddie: Sam would rather chew broken glass then go out on a date with me for a whole Saturday night, no way she's going through with this!

Carly: You asked Melanie.

Freddie: OOOKAAAYYY. You can pretend I'm going on a date with Melanie, but I know... I've got a date with Sam. [chokes on smoothie and coughs it out]

Carly: What?!

Freddie: I'VE GOT A DATE WITH SAM!

T-Bo: You wanna buy a pickle?

Freddie: NO!

Freddie: So, Melanie... you look pretty hot tonight.

Melanie: Thanks! I love your shirt!

Freddie: No, you don't. Carly said you hate stripes!

Melanie: Sam hates stripes.

Freddie: How long are you gonna keep this up?! [pushes Melanie on her shoulder] Just admit you're Sam and we can leave!

Melanie: I would, ow... [rubs her shoulder] ...but I'm not Sam!

[Freddie and Melanie are slow-dancing]

Freddie: I can't believe you're doing this.

Melanie: Why? I like you!

Freddie: You hate me; you always have!

Melanie: Maybe Sam hates you.

Freddie: You ARE Sam!

Melanie: Really? Would Sam do this? [kisses Freddie on the lips]

Freddie: You swore we'd never do that again!

Melanie: I didn't swear anything.

[Freddie becomes extremely paranoid and runs away; Melanie chases him]

Sam: How could you make out with Freddie?

Melanie: He's adorable!

Carly: I can't believe the two of you are sisters.

Sam & Melanie: Me neither.

iFight Shelby Marx[edit]

Freddie: [watching Shelby on TV] Okay, how do I know where she lives so i can marry her!?!?

Carly: I thought you wanted me to be your wife.

Freddie: Could that happen?

Carly: Could not happen.

Wendy: Carly, you're seriously gonna fight Shelby Marx?

Carly: Well, yeah, but it's just for fun...

Sam: Do you know how hard she can kick and punch? I heard that Shelby once knocked this Russian girl's head so hard she had to go to the hospital.

Wendy: Poor Russian girl.

Sam: Yeah! And now she talks like blah, blah, blah, blah!

(after Carly is scolded by Shelby for pushing her grandmother)

Sam: That was awesome! Shelby looks like she really wants to hurt you.

Carly: SHE DOES!

Sam: Oh...well, that's bad.

Freddie: You're making too big a deal out of this.

Carly: No, I'm dead. Shelby Marx is gonna kill me.

Sam: Carly-

Carly: Everyone said, "Oh, you should fight Shelby Marx." WELL IT'S NOT FUN NOW, IS IT?!?! No, now she is so angry she wants to kill me and wants to kick me and punch me in my head until I talk like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!

Sam: Well, you shouldn't have been attacked her grandmother!

Sam: (laughs) Ruckus...

Carly: It's a word

Carly: (when she answers the door and sees Gibby) What, Gibby?!

Gibby: Why'd you push her grandmother?!

Carly: I DIDN'T!

Gibby: But I saw the press conference and it looked to me like- (she starts to close the door on him) No no no no, don't slam it- (she slams the door)

Sam: Hey, do you guys think it'd be possible to give a guy in a garbage can a wedgie?

Carly and Freddie: Nah, not possible. Mm-mm.

Sam: Let's see.

Gibby: No. Sam, don't- (she does) YEOW! IT'S POSSIBLE! OW, IT'S POSSIBLE! IT'S VERY, VERY POSSIBLE! (Sam stops briefly, looks at him and continues doing it)

Spencer: So how was school today?

Carly: Bad. Everyone, even teachers, are annoying me every chance they get.

Spencer: Aw. One sec. (to Socko, on his phone) Hey, Socko! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY!(to Carly) Socko and I always do that on each other's birthday.

Carly: You do it twice?

Spencer: No. So how was school today?

Carly: Still bad...? About your allergy medication?

Spencer: Uh-huh?

Carly: Wasn't one of the possible side effects short term memory loss?

Spencer: Yeah. ...So how was school today? (Carly stares blank)

Carly: I've gotta fix this.

Freddie: How?

Carly: I'm gonna fight Shelby.

Freddie: You can't! You pushed her grandmother! She's gonna PUNCH you SO HARD!

Carly: Maybe not if I hit her lightly.

Spencer: So how was school today?

Carly: IT BLEW UP, OKAY?!?!

Carly: I'm not a twig, I'm getting curvier every day!

Freddie: I know. [Staring at her body]

Carly: Eyes up, dude.

Freddie: [to Shelby] I made you some raisin bread toast.

Sam: Oooh, this is pathetic!

Shelby: Sorry, raisins kinda creeps me out.

[Freddies uses his mouth to remove the raisins]

Freddie: There you go, raisin-free.

Shelby: You also creep me out...

(while Shelby is fighting Carly, thinking she meant to hurt her grandmother while fighting her)

Freddie: Are you dating anyone? [Shelby looks at him, and Sam pulls him away so they can fight]

Shelby: All I know is that some blonde guy came into my gym and played me a video of you two at the press conference, screaming and yelling!

Carly: What blonde guy?

Shelby: Don't know! About this tall, our age, round head.

Carly, Sam and Freddie: Nevel.

Carly: Now I get it!

Freddie: Nevel must have made a fake video!

Sam: That little nub.

Carly: Maybe he's still here.

Sam: Go check it out!

Freddie: Right! (he and Gibby run off to find Nevel)

Carly: ...Nevel's head is kinda round.

Sam: Like a melon.

(after Freddie drags Nevel into the ring)

Nevel: Okay, Freddie, I'm not scared of you.

Freddie: That's cool. (he shuts the door to the ring and locks it. A light appears that uncloaks Carly)

Carly: Hello, Nevel.

Nevel: I'm not scared of you, either. (after a bit of silence, another light appears that uncloaks Sam)

Sam: 'Sup, Nubbel?

Nevel: Okay, you I'm scared of.

Carly: Just admit it.

Nevel: Admit what?

Sam: That you tricked Shelby Marx with the fake video.

Carly: That made it look like I meant to hurt her grandmother.

Nevel: (fakes a gasp) I did no such thing. (Sam steps closer to him) Okay! I tricked Shelby! ...So? (a light appears that uncloaks Shelby)

Shelby: Hi, Nevel.

Nevel: Oh dear. (Carly, Sam and Shelby start to close in on him) Oh, okay...what are you gonna do? Ladies, my pants are very expensive. (view cuts to outside the Seattle Super Center) AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shelby appears on iCarly, and happily hugs Sam, then Carly]

Freddie: Uh...no hug for the technical producer?

Shelby: Aw, come here, Freddie. [she hugs him, too, and he turns the camera, making it show the two standing with each other]

Freddie: [he sniffs, and Shelby looks at him suspiciously then walks to Carly and Sam] I'm sorry.

Season 3[edit]

iThink They Kissed[edit]

Spencer: Hey. Which one of these shirts do you think I should wear tomorrow?

Carly: To where?

Spencer: Prison.

Freddie: Prison?

Carly: Oh my God, what did you download?

Spencer: Nothing...yeah, nothing... That's not why I'm going to prison‼

Carly: So why are you going?

Spencer: I'm up for a job where I teach prisoners useful skills so when they get out they don't have to go back to a life of crime.

Sam: Yeah, why would a dude rob a bank when he could build a robot out of soda bottles?

Spencer: Okay, calm down-

Carly: NEVER TELL A GIRL TO CALM DOWN! Guys always tell girls to calm down, and it never works! It just gets us all whipped up. You see me all whipped up now?! IT'S 'CAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!

Spencer: You know, most guys have to get married to suffer this kind of abuse.

Carly: Well do you remember us getting married?! Well, I don't! So who's talking now?!

Spencer: Excuse me, I will not stand here being yelled at by my own sister.

Carly: Ugh!!

Carly: Why so jumpy?

Freddie: 'Cause you blasted me in the head with pressurized air!

Carly: I was here, I know what happened.

[Freddie pins Carly to the ground so she cannot go and talk to Sam]

Carly: Woah, when did you get so strong?

Freddie: Same time the voice got lower!

Carly: DID YOU AND SAM KISS?

Freddie: Yes, it's true, Sam and I kissed...

Carly: OH MY GOD!

Carly: You guys are my best friends! How come neither one of you told me?

Freddie: We promised each other we'd never speak of it again. OH MAN, I've been SPEAKING OF IT again!

Carly: I'm calling Sam right now!

Freddie: NO! If you tell Sam I told you, she'll kick me in places that should never be kicked!

(The escaped prisoners duct taped Carly, Sam, and Freddie to a bench)

Freddie: (to Carly) Why did you tell them where the duct tape was?

Carly: I was just trying to be helpful!

Sam: Yeah you helped them alright.

Carly: It's Freddie's fault! When you see prisoners escaping, you don't announce that you're gonna call the cops! "Well, you do realize we have to call the police."

iCook[edit]

Freddie: You're cooking a steak in your locker?

Sam: Well, I'm not going to eat raw meat after what happened last time. Stupid parasites.

Carly: He's not doing anything anymore.

Sam and Freddie: What? Why?

[They turn to face each other, and then slap each other]

iSpeed Date[edit]

Carly: You're in trouble!

Sam: Who has urine trouble?

Carly: No! You tweeted about me spitting in Nate's eye!

Sam: It was a totally tweetworthy event!

Carly: Maybe, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't tweet about my personal spit!

Carly: I can't believe you embarrassed me like that in front of the whole web!

Sam: Well, if you didn't want me to do it, then why didn't you say something?

Carly: You duct-taped my mouth shut!

Sam: Come on, you might get a really cool guy!

Carly: Or a psychopath with a chainsaw!

Spencer: Come here, we need to talk.

Carly: (sits down) What about?

Spencer: Well... OK. You're going to a dance tonight. You know... with a new guy.

Carly: Mmm-hmmm.

Spencer: So I just think it's time you and I had a little talk about...

Carly: (interrupts) I'm not having this conversation!

Spencer: Thank you so much!

Freddie: Girls who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon. (holds up bacon)

Sam: (really fast) Whoa, Freddie, I never realized what a hot handsome hunk of boy you really are.

Spencer: So, you wanna take Carly to the dance?

Clark: I'd rather just make out with her.

Spencer: NEXT!

Austin: Have you guys ever went to Fresno?

[After Austin changes the subject several times]

Carly: SHUT UP!

Austin: What? I was just-

Carly: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

Austin: What's your deal?

Carly: My deal is, you haven't let me finish one sentence all night and I can't take it anymore! It's like you won't even let me-

Austin: What are you trying to say?

Carly: GET OUT OF HERE! (he does)

[During the speed date]

T-Bo: Wanna buy a pepper?

Carly: NO!

T-Bo: A buck each.

Carly: T-BO!

T-Bo':OH OK!

iCarly Awards[edit]

Sam: Dude its enormous...

Spencer: I know!

Freddie: Its like 10-Feet tall!

Spencer: Yah. Its like what you said: One 10-feet Icarly award.

Carly: NO! We said 10 1-foot iCarly Awardsssss...

Carly: You just want to flirt with models in swimsuits.

Spencer: That is absolutely true!

Spencer: FREDDIE! FREDDIE!

Freddie: (arrives from upstairs) What is the problem?

Spencer: You said HOT EUROPEAN swimsuit models!

Freddie: Ahhhh, I didn't say they were hot.

Spencer: Yeah, and you didn't say they were DUDES, either!

Spencer: BOOM! (gives Gibby two awards)

Gibby: Two? You're getting faster.

Spencer: Never underestimate the power of shirtless European men in swimsuits!

Gibby: ...I never do!

Sam: And now, since I drank five sodas before we started tonight, I must go pee.

Carly: Sam!

Sam: You want my bladder to explode live on the internet?

Carly: Ew, no.

Spencer: [To the European swimsuit model] Blabvin, you put the hair...on the statue's feet.

Blabvin: [nods] Yes.

Spencer: Well, do women in your country have hair on their feet?

Blabvin: [nods sheepishly] ...Yes...

Spencer: [to the European swimsuit models] And guys. This is America, so the women's hair goes on their head...

Swimsuit models: [nodding] Ohhhhh!

Bookshnog: Guyz! Ze photographer iz 'ere! Turn up ze muzic now!

iHave My Principals[edit]

Sam: You got that on video.

Mr. Howard: No.

Sam: Then I didn't do it.

Carly: Why are we in trouble?!

Mr. Howard: Stop asking that!

Carly: No fudge balls were harmed during this web show.

Sam: Yeah, they were.

Carly: Oh, right, a man sat on them.

Principal Franklin: I've been fired.

Sam and Freddie: What?! Why?!

Sam: Dude, we gotta stop doing that...

Gibby: Mr. Howard just gave me detention.

Carly: For what?

Gibby: For being too..."Gibby".

Carly: How can you be too Gibby?

Gibby: That's what I said. But you know, not everybody gets me.

Mr. Howard: Oh I get you Gibby. I get you like a rash. The question is how do I get rid of you?

Gibby: Baby powder?

Mr. Howard: That's double detention!

Gibby: But baby powder gets rid of rashes...

Mr. Howard: Triple detention!

Gibby: VOLCANO!!! [vomits in a nearby trash can]

T-Bo: You wanna buy a doughnut?

Freddie: No, we're having a meeting.

Sam: Why'd you stick the doughnuts on that way?

T-Bo: Whattaya' saying?

Freddie: Well, they're doughnuts, they have a hole right in the middle.

Sam: But you put the stick through the sides.

T-Bo: Man. This is embarrassing.

[After Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Principal Franklin finish talking]

T-Bo: You wanna buy a doughnut? [angrier, to Carly, Sam, and Freddie] I fixed 'em.

Sam: Ugh, I can't believe school's actually gotten worse.

Carly: Shh.

Freddie: Be quiet.

Sam: [shrewishly] I don't wanna be quiet! I hate these clothes! Wearing blue and khaki makes me feel like a nub! [to Freddie] No offense to you and all the other nubs in the world.

Carly: [warns Sam] You shouldn't criticize the dress code out loud.

Sam: Why? It's not like they're gonna hear me, and how come I gotta--

Ms. Briggs: Sam Puckett, principal's office!

Sam: Huh? Why?

Ms. Briggs: I heard you.

[Carly and Freddie look at Sam with an "I TOLD YOU SO" face]

Mr. Howard: You! Wipe that look off your face!

Freddie: This isn't a look! It's just my face!

Mr. Howard: Well, you should get your money back.

Carly: (grabs Freddie by the shoulder) Okay, we've gotta get Principal Franklin his job back!

Freddie: Shhhhhh! Don't say that-

Mrs. Briggs: Carly Shay, to the principal's office!

Carly: Coming! (to Freddie) I'm so scared!

Freddie: (walks up to Gibby and pats him) Freddie's gotcha...

(after Principal Franklin is given his job back)

Carly: Okay, you have no idea how psyched we are that you're back.

Principal Franklin: You are in big trouble, Carly! And so are you two! I was very clear yesterday when I told you that I did not want you-(Carly interrupts him) What, what?

Carly: He's gone!

Principal Franklin: (long pause) ...I love you guys. (the four start cheering and hi-fiving each other)

Gibby: (runs into the hall shirtless) YEAH! YEAH, UH-HUH! (the four look at him oddly, and the episode ends as they continue hi-fiving)

iFind Lewbert's Lost Love[edit]

Spencer: T.V. remotes?! WHY?!

Chuck: 'Cause my dad grounded me and he won't let me watch t.v. for a month, and if I can't watch t.v. then nobody gets to!

Spencer: But if you're the thief, why did you join the building watch patrol?

Chuck: 'Cause no one suspects a guy in a vest!

Spencer: Well I'm sorry, Chuck, but you dishonored the vest! I'm calling the police!

Chuck: Then you better tell them you need a new pearphone.

Spencer: What, this is the new G5 what's wrong it?

(Chuck smashes his new phone, beats up Spencer, and runs away)

Spencer: (Follows Chuck) COME BACK HERE, CHUCK!

Marta: You want me out of the picture so you can have Lewbert for yourself!

Carly: Lewbert for my... the... I'm fifteen!

Marta: Lewbert, why did you steal t.v. remotes?

Lewbert: (sarcastically) Because, I like the way they feel against my skin in the moonlight!

Lewbert: How long for slapping a cop?

Sam: Six months...

Carly: Who gives haircuts by force?!

Sam: I don't know, but if this was a real TV show, it'd be more popular than anything on NBC.

(Sam carrys Freddie off)

Carly: Cupcake sucker!

iMove Out[edit]

Freddie: Oh my--

Freddie's mom: [sternly] You better end that with gosh.

Freddie: Dear Gosh, please make her leave.

[while Freddie is removing asparagus from his locker]

Gibby: Hey, Freddie, guess what they're serving in the cafeteria tomorrow?

Freddie: [angrily sarcastic] Oh, is it asparagus? 'Cause that would be so hilarious!

Gibby: No...it's fish sticks. What's your problem? [walks away]

Freddie: Hey...hey, I'm sorry

Gibby: [mad] No, I'M sorry!

[Carly approaches]

Carly: Hi Gibby.

Gibby: Freddie hurt my feelings. [keeps going]

[after Sam's devised a plan to destroy the Petographers]

Freddie: So, you mean we trash their studio?

Sam: No, Freddie, I mean we rub ourselves with sweet mustard and sing show tunes.

Spencer: Hey, guess what?

Petographer: What?

Spencer: Shut up!

iQuit iCarly[edit]

Sam: T-Bo!

T-Bo: [drops smoothie; angrily] What?!

Sam: We want a table that's as far away from them as possible! [indicates Carly and Dave]

T-Bo: [still angry] Have I ever cared where you sat?!

Sam: ...You dip your french fries in your smoothie?

Fleck: Yeah, try it.

Sam: Okay, but...(she does and takes a bite of it) Seems kinda weird, because the french fry's all salty, and the smoothie's all...oh my god, you're a genius.

Fleck: Yeah.

Dave: [gets hit with a muffin] Ow!

Carly: What?

Dave: He just threw a muffin at me.

Carly: Well, that is-- [gets hit with a muffin by Sam] Ow! Sam!

Sam: It slipped!

Dave: You got a cranberry on your nose.

Carly: [removes the cranberry, folds her arms, and grabs a muffin and attempts to hit Sam, but it hits an elderly lady]

Elderly Woman: Ahhhh!

Carly: [shocked] I'm so sorry!

Sam: I accept your apology.

Carly: It wasn't for you; it was for the lady I muffined!

Carly: I'm just saying, it might be nice if you showed a tiny bit of appreciation for the work I do to make iCarly happen.

Sam: MORE appreciation? You already named the show after yourself.

Carly: Well, if you don't like the name iCARLY, then maybe we should change it to...iSAM, who's too lazy to even show up for rehearsal most of the time.

Freddie: All friends have fights.

Carly: Yeah, but this one was different. It wasn't even like a fight. I mean, we didn't yell or anything. We just said stuff, and it was bad.

Freddie: Come on, you and Sam have been friends forever.

Carly: I know, but people change.

T-Bo: Mm-hmm. That's what happened with me and my friend Eddie Robinson. He got hit by a bus. Now he's Deaddie Robinson. Talk about change. (holds up a stick of muffins) Try a muffin. (he gives one to Carly)

Carly: ...He told us about his dead friend and then gave me a muffin.

Carly: I know you're upset, but hedge clippers are never the answer.

Sam: Well...

Carly: Never the answer!

Carly: I can do iCarly by myself.

Sam: You can't do iCarly without me!

Freddie: I MEAN IT! BOTH OF YOU, GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW!

Sam: I'm not going back in unless Carly goes first!

Carly: Well I'm not going back in 'till Dave and I shoot what we need for our video! ...No matter how messy this wind makes my hair!

Sam: Carly! Don't let go!

Carly: [hanging from the edge of the platform] WHY ON EARTH WOULD I LET GO?!?!

Sam: I have as much of a right to Freddie as you do!

Carly: No you don't! Freddie loves me!

[Both look at Freddie]

Freddie: Hey look, a freckle on my wrist...

[While Spencer and Gibby were in the boat]:

Gibby: Sorry I squeezed the nozzle to hard.

Spencer: You're supposed to be making a light ocean spray, that felt like a whale peed in my face!

Carly: Look, we made it.

Sam: Yeah, and neither one of us cried the whole time.

Carly: Nope. We're brave.

Sam: Yeah we are.

[Both start tearing up. Spencer moves them together and they hug while crying]

iSaved Your Life[edit]

Spencer: [inside Sam's locker] HEEEERE'S SPENCY! [laughs; Sam closes her locker and walks away] I gotta quit saying witty things before I blow.

Spencer: You bought a taco?

Sam: Uh-huh.

Spencer: From the truck that hit Freddie?

Sam: Well, me starving is not gonna help him.

Freddie: Mom, I'm not allergic to flowers!

Mrs. Benson: And you weren't allergic to Mexican food trucks, but look at you now!

Mrs. Benson: [to Carly, coldly] I'll take these flowers, and I'll soak them in bleach.

Mrs. Benson: [whispers to Carly, sinisterly] It should have been you!

Spencer: Hey look his foot sticks out of his cast! This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy got hit by a truck.

Carly: SPENCER!

Freddie: My mom thinks I'll choke on pills, so she pounds 'em with a mallet and puts the pill powder in my fruit sauce.

Spencer: Fruit sauce?

Freddie: My mom thinks I'll choke on fruits, so she pounds it with a mallet--

Spencer: It's not my business.

Carly: What happened to the flowers?

Mrs. Benson: I soaked them in bleach and pounded them with a mallet.

Gibby: Ah! Don't! I'm just a Gibby!

Sam: Use your face and body to protect me.

Gibby: Ah, like a human shield.

Sam: I was gonna say bullet monkey, but whatever tickles your peach.

[A Rabbi walks through the school halls]

Gibby: There's Spencer with a fake beard!

[Sam fires a paint ball at the rabbi]

Rabbi: OY!

Teacher: Rabbi Goldman!

Sam: [to Gibby] That was a real rabbi!

Gibby: I didn't know! I don't have cable!

Gibby: How my hair look, Sam?

Sam: You look good, Gib.

Mrs. Benson: What the yuck?!

Freddie: Carly, don't leave!

Carly: [referring to Mrs. Benson] She's beating me with your underwear!

Sam: Remember two years ago when I dated that guy Eric Moseby–- kid with the big nose?

Freddie: Sure, Noseby Moseby.

Sam: Uh-huh. And remember how he tried to get me to be his girlfriend for like six months and I kept saying, "Get away from me, or I'll kill you"? And then he bought me a subscription to the Bacons of the World Club, and then boom, I thought I was in love with the guy?

Freddie: I'm listening.

Sam: I was never in love with him; I was in love with the foreign bacon that kept showing up at my door every month...like a beautiful greasy dream.

Freddie: I doubt that bacon can make you think you're in love with someone.

Sam: You ever had Bolivian bacon?

Freddie: No.

Sam: It changes you.

Freddie: You just can't stand the idea of Carly and me as a couple.

Sam: Very true, it makes me wanna puke up blood.

Spencer: Do you see a girl in there?

Delivery Guy: No. Why, did you order one?

Carly: [to Freddie] Yeah, it's cute and geeky at the same time. It's cukey.

Freddie: I just said, "Oh."

Carly: No, you said it like you were at a raffle, and you won a prize, and then you found out that the prize was just a can of soup, so you go, "Oh."

Freddie: You know I like you way better than most soups.

[Freddie retreats after Carly kisses him]

Carly: Wow... you seriously don't want to kiss me. Why?

Freddie: 'Cause ... I'm just bacon!

Carly: You're bacon?

Freddie: Foreign bacon!

Carly: Did that taco truck hit you in your brain?!

Carly: Well, I'm standing here with my lips all glossed up, and you're treating me like I'm your icky cousin Amanda.

Freddie: Amanda is disgusting.

iSaved Your Life (Uncut)[edit]

Note: This section features quotes exclusive to the uncut version of iSaved Your Life, which features 7 minutes of footage that was removed due to television time constraints.^[1] As such, all the quotes in the version edited for broadcast can also be found in this version by going to the iSaved Your Life section above.

iCarly Fan: Okay, I dare Sam to get arrested.

Carly: Nope, uh-uh.

Sam: Been there, done that.

Freddie: Mom, what are you spraying me with?

Mrs. Benson: An anti-bacterial body spray for boys.

Freddie: Where do you find this stuff?

Mrs. Benson: At sprayyourchildren.com.

Freddie: Carly and Sam aren't freaks!

[Mrs. Benson looks at Freddie in disbelief]

Freddie: Carly's not a freak!

Mrs. Benson: Posy di, posy doo, I don't want posies in my house!

Female Student: Is it true you're gonna be Batman in the next movie?

Freddie: Uh, yeah, sure, spread that rumor around.

Freddie: My kitty got claws.

Carly: Rowr.

Freddie: (as he enters the elevator) What did I do...? (the view cuts to outside the apartment) WHAT DID I DO???????????

iWas a Pageant Girl[edit]

[while Sam is screaming and punching on the couch because Carly won't enter the beauty pageant]

Spencer: What happened, did we run out of bacon?

Freddie: You know you're gonna give in.

Carly: Not this time. [Sam continues screaming]

Freddie: In five, four, three, two...

Carly: OKAY! I'LL BE IN THE STUPID PAGEANT!

Sam: YAY! BRING ME MY SOUP! (to Freddie)

[Spencer is screaming because Freddie won't go on a double date with him]

Freddie: Spencer, I'm not gonna...

Carly: In five, four, three, two...

Freddie: OKAY!

Spencer: YAY!!!!!!!

Carly: (after Sam removes her pageant dress) And thanks for being gentle!

Sam: I look hot.

Carly: I feel violated.

Sam: [as introduction to the audience] My name is Samantha Puckett, I'm from Seattle, and I love fried chicken!

Carly: [backstage, to a random person] It's true she really does.

Sam: HEY, I won first place!

Carly: Can you guys pay a little attention to us?

Spencer: NO. We have five hours invested in this game!

Freddie: We are not stopping until we guess what we are!

Sam: (to Spencer) You're cheese.

Carly: (to Freddie) You're a big toe.

Freddie: OH!

Spencer: DANG IT! (Carly and Sam walk away, as he and Freddie put on new cards)

Freddie: AM I A SQUIRREL?!?!?!

Spencer: NOOOOOOOOOOO.

iEnrage Gibby[edit]

Sam: Holy chiz on a chizzle!

Carly: What?

Sam: Spencer Shay of Seattle died of natural causes last Saturday.

Carly: It doesn't say that! (takes the paper from Sam) ...It says that!

Spencer: (takes the paper) NICE! First they insult my art, and THEN they call me dead! Which incidentally, I'm not!

Carly: What's wrong?

Freddie: Gibby texted me ten times today. (he shows Carly and Sam his PearPhone)

Sam: What'd he text you?

Carly: "I'm going to make you bleed."

Sam: "On Friday."

Carly: "At 3:02."

Sam: "I love you, Mom."

Carly: "Wait, that last text wasn't for you, it was for my mom." ...Well, that's what you get for macking on his girlfriend!

Freddie: Gibby,This thing has gotten way outta- {Gibby smacks the coffee out of Freddie's hand) That was a Chai latte.

Gibby: Well, I'm gonna make you a DIE latte. {Freddie looks confused} Yeah. I said it!

Freddie: Nothing happened between me and Tasha! We were just talking and she-

Gibby: And you lost control and tried to kiss her up! I'm gonna break you.

Carly: (while Veronica sees that Spencer is still alive) Why am I enjoying this?

(after Gibby and Tasha leave)

Freddie: HOW...does HE get HER?

Sam: There's gotta be something wrong with that chick.

Carly: Oh, come on. Gibby's sweet, and cute, and fun, and-there's gotta be something wrong with that chick!

iSpace Out[edit]

Carly: AND NOW!

Sam: We take our buckets...

Carly: And do THIS! (she and Sam both drop their foamy water on a laptop) And that's the PROPER way...

Sam: To clean your parents' laptop!

Spencer: Hey, have you ever tried Oystamato?

Carly: No.

Spencer: WORST DRINK EVER! It's a blend of tomato juice and oyster juice.

Carly: You hate tomatoes AND oysters.

Spencer: I know.

Carly: So, what made you think you'd like a blend of their juices?

Spencer: I didn't think it through.

Carly: You never told him that you dropped out of law school?

Spencer: Daddy's very busy!

Carly: I smashed a window and fled from our space pod.

Spencer: Aw.

Carly: Blanton said if I did that up in outer space, my eyes would've been sucked out of my head and that'd be bad for his business.

Spencer: He has a point.

iFix a Popstar[edit]

Director: Ginger, what're you doin'?

Ginger: [with blue cheese dressing] Washin' my hair.

Director: That's not even Shampoo. That's Blue Cheese Dressing.

Ginger: Get outta my bathroom.

Sam: That chick's a diasater.

Freddie: So where are the groceries?

Sam: You left them at the donut shop.

Spencer: No... (starts to leave)

Freddie: Where 'ya going?

Spencer: To the donut shop...

Carly: I'm so mean. Do you see what pressure does to me? It brings out my mean.

Freddie: Alright, let's think. We have a talentless woman who can't sing, can't dance, and looks terrible.

Carly: Ooooh, this thinking is fun.

Director: Where's Ginger?

Dancer: She's back there using the bathroom.

Director: There's a bathroom back there?

Dancer: [shakes head] No.

Carly: Here we go.

Freddie: Cross your fingers.

Sam: Can I get a sandwich?

Carly: Ginger Fox has no talent!

Freddie: She can't do anything!

Sam: Maybe it's best they don't know.

Spencer: I feel like I kissed Gibby.

iBloop[edit]

Employee: Hey, Miranda. Cucumber or brick?

Miranda: ...Brick.

Employee: We're going with the brick.

???: Miranda likes the brick!

Nathan: Well I thought you might want a snack, so I took some raisin bread, put a little butter and toast on it, then...I put a little butter and toast on it, then cinnamoned it. (Victoria laughs)

Nathan: I don't bluff! ...Okay, I was bluffing when I say I don't bluff, but I'm...serious about quitting! (laughs and points at the camera) That was it!

Jennette: Gibby turns me down! Like I'm not good enough for that shirtless potato! (stopwatch goes off) Just...shoot! (laughs)

Jennette: Why does he have two bullet holes in his eyes?

Miranda: Those are his eyes?

Jennette: That was...not right.

Jerry: You know as well as I do, that when you're making a TV show, sometimes things just don't happen the way they're supposed to.

Miranda: That's probably what's in this clip package. See? "Things That Didn't Happen The Way They Were Supposed To." Should I click it?

Jerry: I think you have to.

Jerry: You know what really wastes time on set?

Miranda: What?

Jerry: Everyone acting all silly, and being goofy, and laughing, and just being unprofessional!

Miranda: I think you're exaggerating.

Jerry: No...here, let's watch this clip, labeled "Everyone Acting All Silly, And Being Goofy, And Laughing, And Just Being Unprofessional."

Jerry: Dan sent me some directions via text message. (his phone rings) Let me clear this message here...I will act better.

Victoria: (after kicking Jerry to the floor) I'm sorry! (laughs)

Jerry: She kicked me and she started talking to people!

Noah: "If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw coffee in his face to perk him up." No, sorry.

Jerry: Really? She said that? Coffee?

Noah: "Throw water in his face to perk him up."

Noah: Check out what it says if I play every fourth word.

Ethan: Happy birthday!

Noah: (laughs) What...

Reed: THIS IS A MOCKERY! EAT POPCORN! (laughs) Oh, no, no eat popcorn!

Miranda: "Carly's a chicken, Carly's lame, Carly's...Carly." Sorry. (laughs) I forgot my name.

Jennette: (turns to camera) I'm Carly.. I'm not Carly. (turns back)

Miranda: His last words were, "Why, Miles, why?"

Jennette: His name's Oliver. (Miranda laughs)

iWon't Cancel The Show[edit]

Spencer: She's a very sophisticated woman. I can't have her thinking I spend my time hanging with teenagers doing goofy stuff!

Carly: That's like, all you do!

Spencer: Yeah, but I can't have her thinking that! She wears pantyhose!

Carly: (talking very fast) Freddie says "In five four three two", then points at us, then we introduce the show. Then after that we go to that wheel over there and do a bit called "Put that in your man purse", which you don't know about but just play along and you'll figure it out as we go.

Spencer: Why doesn't Freddie say "in five, four, three, two, one"?

Carly: No one knows!

Freddie: I know.

Carly: No one cares! Now hurry, take your jacket and glasses off!

Spencer: But I look so sophisticated.

Carly: This is iCarly! We don't do sophisticated! (slaps Spencer lightly)

iBelieve in Bigfoot[edit]

Mrs. Briggs: So...YOU took my bullhorn!

Freddie: No...no! See, Sam was the one who-

Mrs. Briggs: (grabs Freddie, drags him and yells into her bullhorn) COME WITH ME!

Freddie: LOUD!

Freddie: Do you see anything?

Carly: Just trees. And some bushes... and two squirrels wrestling!

Freddie:... Carly...

Carly: Yeah?

Freddie: They're not wrestling...

Carly:... Oh...

Spencer: Hey, did you see those squirrels?

Carly: (very quickly) Don't talk about it!

Spencer: I don't think a 7-foot beastman is gonna be afraid of a 160-pound spazzy artist.

Spencer: At least the fall made the water come out off my ear... and some blood.

Sam: Ohhhhhhh, it hurts!

Carly: What?

Sam: The sound of [Freddie] talking!

Sam: *pulls off Dr. Van Gurbin's Bigfoot mask*

Dr. Van Gurbin: Hey!

Carly: Dr. Van Gurbin?

Freddie: Well, this is a Scooby Doo moment.

Dr. Van Gurbin: I'm so sorry. See, my book wasn't selling well, and my dad always told me I would be a failure.

Sam: Your dad was right.

Freddie: So you dressed up like Bigfoot just to create hype?

Dr. Van Gurbin: Yes. So people would buy my new book *takes out his book*: Bigfoot-

Sam: *smacks the book out off his hands*

Dr. Van Gurbin: I had that coming.

iPsycho[edit]

Spencer: I was reading this Bible.

Carly: This is a Mexican cookbook.

Spencer: We can still learn from it.

Freddie: It's a natural pose.

Sam: Of course it is. I do this all the time, don't you, Carls?

Carly: Yeah, I find it both natural and not stupid-looking.

Nora: I don't think you guys will watch this cuz you probably get a bajillion emails a day, but if you are...iCarly is my life.

Sam: (sing-songy) I see a girlfriend for Freddie!

Sam: I don't wanna go to Nora Dirshlitt's lame birthday party!

Carly: That girl has a sad life!

Sam: So does Freddie! We can't fix the world!

Carly: When do we go to the bathroom?

Freddie: That is up to your bladder.

Spencer: Do girls have bladders?

Carly: No, we store pee in our feet.

Carly: Yay, a clown!

Nora: Yeah, he's 87 years old and his name's Cramps!

Carly: I'm sorry your clown had an aneurysm.

Sam: I'm sorry he had an aneurysm while I was dancin' with him!

Carly: If you just heard a large crack, that was my heart breaking.

Nora: Can I help you?

Gibby: [Too shocked to see Nora face to face] Uh, yeah. My name is Gibby.

Nora: Oh yes. I recognize your appearance on ICarly.

Gibby: Thanks, That was sure a lot of fun. Anyway, I was wondering do you have Carly, Sam and Freddie trapped here?

Nora: [Lying under suspiscion] No. Good day.

Gibby: Wait! are you sure they're not here?

Nora: [irate and impatient] Yes, there is no one in my basement.

Gibby: [in a suspicious tone] I didn't say anything about your basement.

Nora: [pauses for a moment and became frightened] NO ONE SEES THE WIZARD! [she then slams the door]

Gibby: Okay! No problem. I'll just...GO AWAAAAY! [crashes through Nora's front door]

Nora: [screams in pure fright and anger] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

iBeat the Heat[edit]

Carly: What are you doing?

Freddie: She's either cooling herself, or eating your frozen pizzas. Probably both.

Carly: [she walks up to the freezer, turns Sam to her and sees a slice of frozen pizza in her mouth] Oh my god! You are eating my frozen pizza!

Spencer: It is a 15-kilowatt liquid propane generator with a 990 cc Pro-Guard 35 horsepower V-V twin engine, yeah I said all that.

Mrs. Benson: When the temperature gets too high, the elderly will start to die!

Spencer: That is a creepy rhyme.

Sam: So what is it I'm supposed to do, which we all know I'm not gonna?

Sam: Carly, come rub my neck.

Carly: I have to go work on my project.

Sam: Freddie, come rub my neck.

Freddie: Yeah, that'll happen.

Carly: (after Sabrina accidentally destroys her Utopian society) ...And now, I have angina!

Season 4[edit]

iGot a Hot Room[edit]

Carly: You promised you'd stop drinking milk in the shower.

Spencer: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!

Carly: Aw, you guys didn't have to make a big fuss over my birthday.

Freddie: You want us to leave?

Carly: No! Fuss on!

Spencer: Hey, kiddo. (yawns)

Carly: "Hey kiddo, urrrrrr?" That's all I get on this, most special of days?

Spencer: Is it Yom Kippur already?

Spencer: It wasn't the worst.

Carly: Yes it was; he took me to a petting zoo.

Spencer: How was I supposed to know the goat would do that?

Carly: Don't talk about what the goat did!

Carly: Please get a haircut.

Spencer: No! It took me over a year to get it this long and voluminous.

Sam: Makes you look like a girl.

Spencer: Does not!

Spencer: Hey, I bet what that goat did to you last year doesn't seem so bad anymore! (Carly cries as she is hugging Sam)

Chief Donker: (to Freddie) ...What did the goat do?

Fire Fighter: (to Spencer) Yeah, we know who you are.

Freddie: Why are you all happy?

Spencer: SHUT UP! (on his phone, to T-Bo) T-Bo, it's Spencer! Listen fast! Carly's gonna be there in about ten minutes to ask for a job, so give her a job! I'll explain later! ...Come on, I'd give your sister a job! Well, she's out of the hospital now! Just hire Carly! Thanks, bye! (puts his phone down) YES! (moves his arms like a robot)

Sam: Okay, two questions: why are you making T-Bo give Carly a job, and WHAT did you do to his sister?

Carly: Morning, T-Bo.

T-Bo: Uh-uh. I'm your boss now. You gotta call me Mr. Bo.

Carly: Mr. Bo?

T-Bo: Nah, I'm just pulling your peach.

Spencer: (doing roll call on his PearPad) Sam!

Sam: Yo! (holds up a paintbrush)

Spencer: Freddie!

Freddie: Aquì!

Spencer: The Gibster!

Gibby: (holds an orange wire) I LOVE that!

Spencer: The painters!

Painters: Yeah!

Spencer: The carpenters!

Carpenters: (Karen and Richard Carpenter lookalikes) Here!

Spencer: Electrician!

Electrician: Yep!

Spencer: Audio/video dude! (looks at Ed) ...That's you, Ed!

Ed: I'm Ed!

Spencer: Now let's build a teenage girl's bedroom SO FANTASTIC, it will make all the other teenage girls CRY!

[after Spencer and everyone else is done making Carly's new room]

Spencer: I just want to tell you all how sincerely grateful I am-

Freddie: Whoa, whoa whoa! Text message from Carly! She's on her way up.

Spencer: EVERYBODY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!

Spencer: (jumps over the couch, but falls to the floor. Carly enters the room, as he straightens himself and does a sit-up) ONE HUNDRED!

Carly: You did a hundred sit-ups?

Spencer: Sort of!

Carly: Oh my god!

Spencer: THANK YOU, GREAT GRAMMY!

Carly: We should've gone to her funeral.

Spencer: I know.

Freddie: And Spencer spent it all on your room.

Sam: The whole wad, baby!

Spencer: Which is so stupid 'cause we rent this place, but WHO CARES! (they all jump)

Freddie: You got your room back.

Gibby: Except for all your old photos and other personal items that can never be replaced.

Sam, Spencer and Freddie: GIBBY!!!

Carly: (to Spencer) ...Who has the best big brother ever?

Spencer: You... (they hug, then face the others)

Gibby: Man. Is there anything money can't do?

iSam's Mom[edit]

Carly: Are those new pants?

Freddie: ...Yes, they are. (he pulls his shirt up and twists himself around)

Carly: From tweenpants.com?

Freddie: They sell pants for men now!

Carly: Then you should have bought some!

Carly: Let's talk about this later.

Sam: Yeah, we better start the show.

Freddie: The show started fifteen seconds ago.

Carly and Sam: (brief pause) This is iCarly.

Carly: And no more panties on the stairs!

Sam: I don't like that word!

Spencer: Well, too bad! Stairs, stairs, stairs!

Carly: ...She meant panties.

Spencer: Now I'm embarrassed.

Freddie: I had NOTHING to do with this! I'm not even Freddie Benson!

Girl on film: Yeah, you are! Freddie and his mom live in the same building as me.

Freddie: No no!

Girl: Bushwell Plaza... (Freddie tries to shush her) Aren't you guys in Apartment 8D?

Freddie: I'M DEAD.

Sam: You wanna know why that rich doctor stopped calling you?!

Mrs. Puckett: Steven?

Sam: I told him you got hit by a bus. (Mrs. Puckett gasps)

Sam: I don't want any part of her!

Mrs. Puckett: You don't deserve my parts!

Sam: Why would I want worn out parts?

Spencer: What happened here?!

Carly: Sam and her mom.

Spencer: Did they talk things out?

Carly: They started out talking...and then there was yelling...and then our couch was in the kitchen.

Carly: Why does your chest look all thick?

Freddie: Um...I've been working out...y'know, pushups and, milk... (Carly takes his shirt off to reveal a bulletproof vest)

Carly: That's...quite a sports bra.

(Carly enters the room and is grabbed by Gunsmoke)

Gunsmoke: State your name and business!

Carly: Carly Shay, webshow host!

Spencer: Can we please watch something else?

Gunsmoke: Fine; put on Full House.

Spencer: Awesome! (changes the channel)

Sam: Pardon my mommy's desperation!

Mrs. Puckett: Pardon my daughter's personality!

Spencer: Yo, Gunsmoke. Out you go!

Gunsmoke: But I'm in the middle of Full House.

Girl on TV: You got it, DUDE!

Gunsmoke: That is hilarious.

Sam: You know she's never even said one nice thing to me about iCarly?

Carly: Come on, I'm sure that's not true.

Mrs. Puckett: What's iCarly? (Carly slaps her forehead)

Carly: They're never gonna make nice! They're both horrible in their own ways! (to Sam) No offense, you know that you're my best friend and that I love you, but let's face it, you're a nightmare!

iGet Pranky[edit]

Gibby: (after taking a fish out of his locker) Hey, Dad? Fire up the grill, I'm bringing home a trout!

Male student: Fish?

Gibby: My fish! (runs and sees Carly, Sam and Freddie) My fish!

Carly: Well, I kinda got him!

Sam: You got him dinner.

Freddie: (shocked) That was horrible!

Sam: Not funny!

Spencer: Uh, no! It was EXTREMELY funny!

Carly: PRANKED YA! Admit it, I gotcha good! (hi-fives Spencer)

Spencer: What is "ye"?

Carly: "Ye" is you! It sounds official; sign it!

Spencer: What if I don't?

Carly: Well, then I might sneak into your room tonight and push a pillow over your face 'till you stop kicking!

Spencer: ...That's some pretty dark stuff.

Sam: (to Spencer) Dude, if I didn't have a little crush on you, you'd be falling for my baseball bat to your face bit!

Carly: Little crush?

Sam: Did he sign the contract or not?

Sam: You climb up that ladder all the way up to that pipe.

Freddie: Then you scootch along the pipe 'till you get right over that $20 bill there.

Gibby: I scootch.

Sam: And when Spencer bends over to pick up the 20, I'm gonna yell "Gibby"...

Freddie: Then you drop down, right onto Spencer's back.

Gibby: But...that seems so naughty.

Freddie: That's right.

Sam: It's gonna teach Spencer that it's not fun to get pranked!

Gibby: True chiz. I'm still afraid to pee!

Spencer: Oh, face it! I'm the king of pranks; and you know what they say...YOU CAN'T TOUCH THA KAAAAAANG!

Freddie: Who says that?

Spencer: The KAAAAAANG!

Sam: I knew he'd say that.

Spencer: Yo, Holmes! I'll prank ya later! (slaps Carly with the $20 bill and leaves the room laughing)

Carly: ...He slapped me with my own money.

(after the group's prank attempt against Spencer is unsuccessful)

Freddie: Wait...we forgot Gibby.

Sam: Oh, yeah.

Carly: Gibby!

Gibby: GIBBYYYYYYY! (drops down from the pipe, hits the floor, bounces and his ribs crack. He weakly turns over) Did you guys hear my ribs crack?

Carly: (sadly, trying to get Spencer to help her pull a prank) Please?!

Spencer: You know I can't say no to a girl in a spoon hat. (they hug)

Sam: Show 'em the prank, Fred-weiner!

Freddie: Sure thing, Sam...jerk.

Sam: ...And that's why you're behind the camera.

Sam: Well, it's your own fault. You jumped off that pipe for nothing.

Gibby: You said my cue was Gibby and I heard Gibby.

Sam: Yeah, but you didn't hear the cue!

Freddie: Guys-okay, yes. (the four start yelling at each other quickly)

T-Bo: You guys? (they continue yelling) YOU GUYS!

Freddie: WHAT, T-BO?!?!

(Carly is watching Drake and Josh on TV))

Megan: (on TV) And by the way, you didn't kill him. The camera flash just stunned him.

Carly: How come that little girl is so good at pranks?

(Referring to Megan, who is played by Miranda Cosgrove, the same actress who plays Carly)

(Carly goes to retrieve her Camcorder to video tape Spencer's intervention, and returns to find his old classmates beating him up.)

Carly: What's going on?!

(They stop)

Tancy: RUN!

(The old classmates run away and Carly runs to a beaten down Spencer)

Carly: What happened?!

Spencer: (weakly) My old classmates beat me up.

Carly: But there were just supposed to help you get the message about your pranking.

Spencer: Message received.

iSell Penny Tees[edit]

Carly: No one wants to kill a live chicken and then barbecue it!

Sam: You don't know everything.

Freddie: iCarly is not responsible for damage caused to your feet, toes or the central nervous system.

Gibby: They really hit it off.

Spencer: GIBBY!!!

iDo[edit]

Spencer: Did you guys save me a meatball?

Freddie: Sure did. Heads up! (putts it at Spencer with a golf club, and he catches it)

Spencer: Thanks. (takes a bite of it and walks out)

Spencer: It's a manufacturing error!

Carly: (referring to the old lady who stomped her) She stomped me with her boney old foot!

Freddie: You want me to rub it? (she looks at him displeased) ...You rub it.

Guppy: (to Gibby after he slams himself into a tree) Happy birthday!

Gibby: What is that, your catchphrase?

Guppy: Go, Gibby!

Gibby: YOU SAW NOTHING! (gets in the dual-bike and rides off)

Carly: Give me the mic. (takes the mic)

Sam: Go get em', kid.

Carly: We're never going back to Wisconsin.

Spencer: And who agrees that my butt is NOT FLAT????? (no one says anything; he drops the microphone and walks away)

Carly: [referring to Spencer] He drinks milk in the shower.

Spencer: All naked and...wet!

iStart a Fan War[edit]

Carly: We're home!

Spencer: Hey, so how was school?

Carly: Aced my physics test.

Spencer: Good girl!

Freddie: Got an A on my world history report.

Spencer: Good Boy.

Sam: Had egg salad for lunch!

Spencer: Tasty!

Carly: Are you making a new sculpture?

Spencer: This is my Aruthur costume!

Freddie: Ohhh

Carly: Aruthor?

Sam: Who's Aruthor?

Spencer: What?

Freddie: Stop it!

Carly: It's so weird how you guys don't have girlfriends.

Sam: Isn't it?

Carly: (to Adam via video chat) Freddie was just heading out.

Freddie: (wearing a sailor's hat) Ah. Guess I'm heading out.

Carly: Leave the hat.

Freddie: No, I NEED TO WEAR IT! (runs)

Carly: Of course, we tried to go to Webicon last year...

Freddie: But we were captured by a maniac who locked us in her basement.

Sam: She tried to kill our friend Gibby!

Carly: But luckily, Gibby took his shirt off and beat her down.

Gibby: GIBBAY.

Freddie: It's an MMORPG.

Carly: An MM-what?

Spencer and Freddie: (shrug) Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. (they knuckle clash lightly)

Carly: ...I blame myself for asking what.

Spencer: Well EXCUSE ME, but I'm pretty sure your costume's not supposed to have a...MUSTARD STAIN RIGHT THERE!

Aspartamay: I had a corn dog!

Spencer: Interesting, because Aspartamay is supposed to be a VEGETARIAN!!!

(after Carly returns from trying to talk to Adam)

Sam: Hey.

Carly: Don't "hey" me!

Freddie: Did you tell Adam that Sam was kidding?

Carly: Yes, but he still thinks you and I have some thing going on.

Sam: Why?

Carly: 'Cause you just said so into a microphone!

Sam: Well then, bring him back in here. I'll fix this.

Carly: He won't come back. He's outside waiting for a shuttle.

Sam: A shuttle?

Carly: Yes! A shuttle is gonna come get my cute future husband and shuttle him right out of my life!

Spencer: Dude! Are you okay?

Carly: (straightening his jacket) Those girls almost tore you to pieces!

Freddie: I know! (brief pause, yells excitedly, pushes the security guard's hands aside and runs back into the mob of girls)

Aspartamay: You have the breath of a dastardly goat with infected gums.

Spencer: Your words have no bite. For they are spoken by a gutless thief. Sprung from a lineage of cowards and hog farmers! (the crowd gasps)

Aspartamay: ...Okay, seriously dude, you take that back right now.

Spencer: No returns, man. Put it out there and it's staying out there!

Seddie supporter: SEDDIIEEEEE!!!

Spencer: I'm gonna go sign up for the stume contest.

Sam: Stume?

Spencer: It's a cool abbreviation for costume.

Sam: [sarcastially]Oh, that is cool.

Spencer: DON'T BE AN ERK.

Craig: So you and Freddie are dating.

Carly: I want him out of here! Can someone get him out of here? (Corbin looks at Craig and Eric, and security walks them out)

Eric: Great, now you got us kicked out. Just like the Teen Choice Awards.

Craig: Oh, that was your fault.

Eric: You're the one who had to touch Justin Bieber's hair!

Corbin Davis: I was supposed to be your liason last year, but then you went and got kidnapped by that psychopath.

Sam: Yeah, Nora...

Carly: We remember...

Freddie: She had a chicken.

Corbin Davis: Come on! They'll listen to you guys!

Carly: Attention?! (Sam and Freddie try to call out over her)

Freddie: STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (the audience quiets and turns to them) ...Por fin!

Carly: Now, please listen! NO ONE is dating anyone on iCarly! I'm not dating Freddie... (she puts her hand on his arm) Freddie's not dating Sam...NONE...of us are dating! (brief moment of silence)

Congressman: YOU lie! (the crowd continues to fight)

Sam: (about the fan war) This is like one of my family reunions. Except most of these people are wearing shoes.

Spencer: Release the girl!

Aspartamay: Say your costume's lame.

Spencer: Okay...YOUR COSTUME'S LAME! (the crowd members laugh)

Aspartamay: You know that's not what I meant!

Creddier: I gotta agree with, uh, Hairbow and Pearpad...anybody who's ever even been to iCarly.com can easily see that Carly and Freddie are in love. (the crowd starts to break out at each other)

Freddie: No, we're not!

Carly: We really aren't. ...We really aren't.

Craig: Admit it!

Eric: Sit down! (grabs Craig and pulls him to the floor)

Sam: Relax...mama's got this. (takes her and Carly's microphones and bashes them together. It makes a shrill echo as the audience members cover their ears. After it stops, she gives Carly her microphone back) Alright! Listen up! (pause) ...It's true, Carly and Freddie are deeply in love. (the audience members continue to argue, Adam looks displeased and Carly looks at Sam in shock) Oh, come on! This is fun!

Security officer: (to the people quarreling with each other) Stop fighting! You don't need to do this! Have you no sense of decency?!?

Carly: (is playing with a Rubix cube and completes one side, then turns to Sam) Look! I got one side done.

Sam: Nice.

Freddie: Will you take your head out of your Fatshake and listen to me?! [grabs fatshake and slams it on table]

iHire an Idiot[edit]

Freddie: I'll fire Ashley as soon as you fire Cort.

Carly: But Cort's too pretty to fire.

Cort: I remember it. It was first day of seventh grade and my dad told me 'Cort: you gotta learn how to tie your own shoes. It's important.' Now I can tie my own shoes without even thinking about it!

Carly and Sam: Aww.

Carly: That is such an interesting story !

Sam: You are sooo good looking.

Carly: [laughs] I was about to say that.

Ashley: Um excuse me. Someone left their purse here. Is there a lost and found I could take it to?

Carly: No that's my purse.

Ashley: [gasps] You must've been so worried!

Carly: No...it was just on my bed.

Ashley: [surprised] I have a bed!

Cort: I got one too!

Ashley: Hey! Rock on!

iPity the Nevel[edit]

[Sam runs into Spencer and Carly's apartment]

Sam: Hey! Can I come in?! Freddie get off that computer! Have you guys seen this?! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!

Freddie: No wait, just give me about 20- GOING DOWN!!!

[Sam pushes Freddie off his chair and onto the floor]

Freddie: Aw man! It was rendering!

Carly: [to Sam] What is up?

Sam: Nevel!

Spencer: Papperman?

Sam: [sarcastically] No, Nevel Vanhutersmusen.

Spencer: The pianist?!

Freddie: There's only one Nevel.

Carly: And he's not a pianist.

Sam: And this contoods another episode of iCarly.

Carly: And for now we'll pretend that "contoods" is a word.

[Nevel is in a super market where the pickles are displayed]

Nevel: Dill pickles, kosher pickles, sweet pick- AHA! Bread and butter pickles, last jar.

[Nevel is about to walk away when a little girl accidentally bumps into him with a shopping cart, causing Nevel to drop the jar and it breaks]

Nevel: No! NOOOO!

Little Girl: I'm sorry.

Nevel: [angry] Sorry? You're SORRY?! THAT WAS THE LAST DANG JAR OF BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES IN THIS STORE!! Where's your stupid mother?! Where is she?!

[Nevel takes a giant lollipop out of the little girl's shopping cart]

Nevel: [calmly] Were you gonna buy this lollipop? [throws the lollipop down and breaks it] Well now it's broken!!

[The little girl starts crying]

Nevel: Doesn't feel to good does it?! Oh HERE we go! Sure! Cry it up! WELL I'M CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY DANG BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES! JERK!

[At the karma party]

Sam: To Nevel's misery!

iOMG[edit]

Carly: You've been acting different.

Sam: No I haven't.

Carly: Oh come on. Lately whenever Brad and Freddie want to do something, all of a sudden you want to tag along. Brad's so nice. He's polite, he's smart, he's got no warrants. Think of all the fudge-y good times you'll have together! Don't you want a nice boyfriend? Go for it. Make a move. I just want you to be happy.

Sam: Then bake me a pie. [leaves]

Gibby: I love pie.

Carly: Gibby!

Gibby: [leaving] Sure. Always make Gibby clean the vomit out of the sensory stimulus chamber!

Freddie: Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there, 'cuz you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-

Sam: [kisses Freddie]

Freddie: [after the kiss] I...

Sam: S-sorry.

Freddie: ...It's cool.

Carly: Sam doesn't usually give complements.

Freddie: Usually they're insults...followed by beatings.

Carly: You've seen the animal channel!

Freddie: [looks confused]

Carly: The...the horses.

Freddie: [raises eyebrows]

Carly: When they want two horses to...y'know... "DATE"...

Freddie: [nods head]

Carly: ...they put 'em in the same barn together...then they, like, turn the barn lights down...

Freddie: [smiles, raises eyebrows, and nods]

Carly: Oh, you know what I'm talking about, why are you making me say it!?

Freddie: [laughs] Okay, okay. So we get Sam and Brad. Take 'em to a barn...

Carly: Stop joking, this is serious!

Sam: So...where did you learn to make fudge?

Brad: Oh, my great-grandma taught me.

Sam: She was a good woman, Brad.

Brad: She's still alive...

Sam: Even better.

iParty with Victorious[edit]

Carly: Okay, we're going to move on to our next segment here on iCarly!

Sam: Which involes the brain of our disturbed friend, Gibby!

Carly: Yes! We all know that Gibby's head is full or wrong-ness...

Sam: And to demonstrate that again, let's take a look at- [huge moving cactus walks towards Carly and Sam growling]. Uh oh... it's the cactus' big brother!

Carly and Sam: [holds onto eachother and screams]

Tori: [from Los Angeles watching the webshow with Steven laughing] Oh my God, how funny is this? Aren't they hilarious?

Steven: Yeah, it's funny... [pretending not to know what it is] What's it called?

Tori: iCarly. [confused] You've never heard of it?

Steven: Uh... no... why?

Tori: Cause' you live in Seattle half the time, and that's where these girls do it from.

Carly: [from laptop with Sam] Go on now!

Sam: [at the cactus' big brother] Go!

Carly: [at the cactus' big brother] Walk out the door!

Sam: Just turn around now!

Carly: You're not welcome anymore!

Steven and Tori: [laughing with Steven laughing nervously]

Sam: And now,

Carly: A disturbing voyage into the depths of the ever puzzling Gibbish brain...

Tori: [laughing] That girl Carly's really pretty don't you think?

Steven: Sure... just uh, not my type... anyway... uh, you know, we've been going out for over 3 months.

Tori: I do... we're coming up on our 100 day kiss.

Steven: Sneak preview?

Tori: Show me the trailer. [kisses Steven]

Monie: You shattered my heart! And my leg!

Rex: The geek rejected by the freak. That's ironic.

Carly: Boomba.

Sam: The Nile's not just a river in Utah.

Carly: Egypt!

Cat: Last night my brother bit my foot.

Lane: Well, I don't need to know everything.

Cat: Soup.

Robbie: He's really mad.

Rex: But he's got really beautiful skin.

Spencer: Can Gibby come? He's got the hands of a goddess.

Freddie: He deserves it!

Carly: I know but you're nerdy. Steven would beat you silly.

Rex: But let's see you can see if you can beat this puppet, Puckett.

Beck: I guess I've never really felt true terror

Sikowitz: Then I guess I'll have to work on that. [Sikowitz turns around and starts laughing]

Tori: What are you laughing that?!

Sikowitz: [still laughing] That picture of ducks playing poker![Scene cuts to a painting of ducks playing poker]

Kenan: You see that? Why does everyone want to borrow money from me?! I mean you guys, Andy Samberg, half of the original cast of All That.

Tori: Aw, I used to love that show!

Kenan: Your cheek bones are like little sugar plums.

Kenan: PANDA!!!! [chases after the panda]

Sam: So face it Rex, you couldn't even rap, if I stapled his lips and took his hand out your back!

Season 5[edit]

iLost My Mind[edit]

[Spencer struggles to get a pair of jeans on]

[Carly comes home from school]

Carly: Hey.

Spencer: Hey.

Carly: Have you heard from Sam?

Spencer: No, She skipped school again?!

Carly: Yes, 3 days in a row! No one's heard from her, she won't answer her phone or-

[Spencer is still having difficulties getting on the jeans]

Carly: What's happening here?!

Spencer: Me getting fat, look! I can barely get these jeans past my butt slabs!

Carly: Those are my jeans.

Spencer: Well, I, ugh... [Carly is looking at him with a 'what's you excuse?' face] Yeah I know.

Carly: I'm really worried about Sam.

Spencer: So call her mom.

Carly: I can't! She's in Teowana having laser hair removal.

Spencer: From what part of her body?

Carly: I didn't wanna know! How are we gonna find Sam?

Spencer: Could you just talk to Freddie 'bout it?

Carly: No! I will not talk to Freddie about it until he admits to me that they kissed.

Spencer: These pants are squeezing me in ways you can't understand.

Carly: Why won't Freddie just tell me that he and Sam kissed-?

[Freddie walks in confused]

Spencer: These are Carly's pants ok? Mistakes were made.

Freddie: Maybe you should take them off?

Spencer: Good call. [turns to Carly] Where's the olive oil?

Carly: In the bathroom where you left it.

Spencer: Yep. [makes his way to the bathroom pulling up the pants and making funny noises]

Freddie: I'm really getting worried about Sam. I mean, it's been three days since-

Carly: Since you two kissed?

Freddie: [shocked]

Carly: Yeah! I know! I saw it with both my eyes! [walks over to her backpack] You guys were talking and... she kissed you and you didn't stop her, why- why didn't you tell me?

Freddie: Well I- [interrupted by Carly]

Carly: You should've told me! Do you like her? Is this- is this a new chapter in our lives? What is goin' on?

Freddie: [trying to change the subject] ...Do you have any fruit?

Carly: [not falling for it] I don't know! If we do, you can have it! You know why? 'Cause I don't keep things from you!

Freddie: I didn't tell you cause, even I don't know what it means, she, just, kissed me.

Carly: So where is she now?

Freddie: I dunno! I've called her, I've texted- [stops mid sentence and comes up with an idea]

Carly: What? That's your idea face. What's your idea?!

Freddie: Come here. [moves towards the computer]

Carly: What's going on?

Freddie: You can track the location of a pear phone if you know the user's password. Do you know Sam's password?

Carly: Yes.

Freddie: Well good, tell me.

Carly: I can't say it outloud; it's icky.

Freddie: [passes Carly the keyboard] Fine I won't look, you type it in. [turns away from the computer screen]

Carly: K. [types in Sam's password] Ewww.

Freddie: [turns back around] Okay, let's find her phone. Locating, tracking, annnddd...

Carly: Where is she?!

Freddie: I have to click the items.

Carly: Well do it!

Freddie: K! Okay, she's...

[Both Freddie and Carly lean away from the computer screen in shock]

Carly: Troubled Waters Mental Hospital?!

Freddie: Mental hospital?!

[Gibby walks in through the front door]

Gibby: Gibbbaaayyy!

[Freddie and Carly turn around to face Gibby]

Gibby: S'up people?

Carly: We're going to a mental hospital.

Gibby: Yes!

[Freddie, Carly and Gibby walk into the mental hospital]

Nurse: Hi, welcome to Troubled Waters, how may I help you?

Carly: 'Umm, we're here to see Sam Puckett?

Nurse: Oh I'm sorry, Miss Puckett isn't excepting visitors.

[Caleb pokes his head out of the janitors closet]

Freddie: Listen, we're like, really close friend's with Sam.

Carly: Could we please just talk to her for a minute?

Nurse: Just for a minute?

Carly: Promise.

Nurse: No.

[Caleb walks over to Gibby]

Caleb: Please get me some barilium nitrate and four metric tons of ionized quadrazine.

Gibby: Sorry, I don't roll that way.

[Caleb walks off]

[Freddie and Carly pull Gibby over to one side]

Freddie: Distract the nurse so we can go find Sam.

Carly: Think you can do that?

Gibby: Umm.. Gibbay.

Freddie: Go.

Carly: Good.

[Caleb walks up behind Freddie and Carly]

Caleb: You can kick me anywhere below the waist and I won't feel it.

Freddie: [slightly disturbed and confused] Why not?

Caleb: My pants, are made of neutronium cotton. You don't believe me? Kick my thighs. [slaps his own thigh] Kick 'em hard.

Carly: Um..

Freddie: We, uhh...

Carly: We don't, want to.

Caleb: Liar!

[Caleb walks off and Freddie and Carly are left very confused]

Gibby; Gibbbaaayyyy!! [Gibby jumps over the front desk]

[Freddie and Carly take a step back in shock]

Nurse: Oh my goodness, are you alrig- Argghhhh!!

Freddie: Okay, I'll go this way.

Carly: No no, you got that way.

[Carly and Freddie push each other in speed and panic]

Freddie: Oh fine, just, go go go!

Carly: Go!

Carly: Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this-

[Sam looks up from her painting]

Carly: Sam!

Sam: Hello Carly. What do you want.

Carly: To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?

Sam: Finger painting. [shows Carly her painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised] What do you think?

Carly: It's a beautiful finger.

Sam: Thanks.

Carly: Now who put you in here?!

Sam: [sighs and puts her painting out of the way] I put myself in here.

Carly: What?! Why?!

Sam: Because my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! [mutters and moves closer to Carly] Do you know?

Carly: What? That you kissed Freddie?

Sam: Urgh! [steps back and puts her hand over her ears] Shut up!

Carly: I think it's awesome! I think it's great!

Sam: Noooo, no no no no no no no no no... [carries on shouting 'no' whilst Carly is speaking]

Carly: There's nothing wrong with it.. Sam, stop it!

Sam: Accept it Carls, I've lost my mind.

Carly: What? You think just cause you like Freddie-

Sam: Urghh, don't say it outloud! [throws herself on her bed]

Carly: It's alright to say it outloud.

Sam: [put her pillow over her head] No it's not!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie!!

Sam: Carly!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie!

Sam: Quit it.. Carly!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves-! [Sam catches her and covers her mouth]

[Freddie walks in a little confused]

Freddie: There you guys are.

Sam: You get out!

[Carly tries to get free]

Sam: Licking my hand won't make me let go.

Freddie: Sam c'mon, just... [Freddie helps Carly free]

Carly: Ewww! Why's your hand taste like peanuts and mud?

Sam: Cause yesterday I was outside playing in the mud eating peanuts.

Carly: I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, and you too, talk.

[Carly leaves and Sam and Freddie just stand still not knowing what to say]

Carly: I don't hear talking!

Sam: Why'd you come here?

Freddie: To find out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.

Sam: You wanna know why?

Freddie: Kinda!

Sam: Because I hate you.

Freddie: Then why'd you kiss me?

Sam: Because I-! ...I like you.

Freddie: So you hate me, and you like me?

Sam: Now you see why I need to be in here?!

Security Guard: What's going on?!

Nurse: That patient's trying to escape.

Sam: Urgh, I'm not trying to escape!

Carly: She checked herself in here!

Sam: And now I'm checking myself out. Now go get my bag or no tip.

Security Guard: You're under 18 years of age. You can't leave here without permission from a parent.

Sam: Dude! My mom's in Teowana having laser hair removal!

Security Guard: Where's your father?

Sam: You tell me!

Carly: Look sir, you gotta let her leave, we're doing iCarly tomorrow night.

Security Guard: i What?

Freddie: It's a popular web show.

Security Guard: Can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.

Sam: It's not for old people.

Security Guard: Look! She stays, [drags Sam over to some doctors who try and take her back to her room] you people, leave.

[Freddie and Carly get dragged out by security guards]

Freddie: Are you kidding me?!

Carly: Hey paws off! I'm the future vice president of the United States!

Sam: Heydeo!

Carly: People call me Carly!

Sam: [in a really deep and low voice] People call me smooth and refreshing.

Carly: And this be..

Carly and Sam: iCarly!!

Sam: Now crank that whistle!

[Patients woop and cheer]

Carly: Hey Sam!

Sam: Uh, yeeesss!

Carly: This isn't the iCarly studio! [pretending to be surprised]

Sam: Well it sure isn't Carls, because tonight..

Carly: We come to you live from Troubled Waters..

Carly and Sam: Mental Institution!

Caleb: [while the gang is doing iCarly] Warning! In the year 2029, aliens capture Ryan Seacrest!

Sam: Now tonight on iCarly, Gibby's gonna sit in some sushi, and he will try to identify what kind of fish it is.

Gibby: Fingers crossed for salmon.

Carly: Um, actually we're gonna do something else first.

Gibby: K, then I'm going back to the men's room. [walks off undoing his belt]

Sam: Um, what do you mean we are doing something else first?

Carly: Okay! So you people wanna see Sam and Freddie get together?

Freddie: Carly, I don't think that it'd be-

Carly: Sshhhh!

[Freddie stops talking]

Carly: Now Sam thinks it's insane for her to like Freddie.

Sam: Cause it is.

Carly: But we wanna hear from you.

Caleb: Four years from now, Viginia, and West Viginia, will merge, to form one huge Viginia!

Carly: Settle down Viginia. Now we wanna hear from you, the fans of iCarly. So if you think Sam's insane for likin Freddie, or not, just video chat us right now here at iCarly.com!

Sam: Dude-

Carly: Here's... Wavy Becca.

Wavy Becca: Hey iCarly!

Carly: Hi!

Sam and Freddie: Hey.

Wavy Becca: I think Sam and Freddie would make an awesome couple.

Carly: So to clarify, you don't think Sam's insane for liking Freddie?

Wavy Becca: No way! Freddie's hot.

Carly: Yeah, let's not get carried away. Okay next up, we have.. Goopy Gilbert. Hey Goopy Gilbert! What do you think about Sam and Freddie-

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie! Seddie!!

Carly: So you think Sam and Freddie should be together?

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie!!

Carly: Thankyou!!

Sam: Okay, I don't care how many iCarly fans say I'm not insane for liking Freddie. I know I'm-

Freddie: Waaiitt, wait wait wait wait. Let's take one more chat.

Sam: No I don't wanna-

Freddie: Just one more.

Sam: Urghh.

Freddie: [hands Carly the camera] Hold this.

Carly: You be nice.

Freddie: Just.. [Freddie turns on his pear pad and starts messing around with his laptop a little bit, then turns towards Sam and starts speaking into the pear pad] Hey, it's Freddie. So, uh, a lot of people have been talking about whether Sam and I should, you know, go out with each other. And it's like wondering of Sam is crazy for wanting to, but nobody asked me how I feel.

Sam: We talked about it.

Freddie: No, you talked. You told me how you feel, while you ate a quasadia.

Sam: The quasaida's here are amazing.

Carly: Sshhh!

Freddie: Anyway, yeah, it's important how Sam feels but, how I feel is important to.

Sam: Okay, Benson, we get it. You wanna humiliate me, on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead and just do it, I don't care. Get back at me for all the mean things I've s-

Freddie: [interrupts Sam by kissing her LIVE on iCarly]

Sam: You mean that?

Freddie: Mmhm. So I guess we're both insane.

Sam: So now what?

Goopy Gilbert: SEDDIE!!!!!

Goopy Gilbert's Mom: Gilbert, dinner time!

Goopy Gilbert: SPAGHETTI!!!!

Carly: And goodnight!

iDate Sam & Freddie[edit]

Freddie: Ok, I wanna know,

Sam: Whatcha wanna know?

Freddie: When you first started to like me.

Sam: Okay, (sighs). Remember the time I pushed you in front of that bike messenger an he knocked you down and your head hit that fire hydrant?

Freddie: Yes,

Sam: Well afterwards, when you were laying there, moaning, blood coming out your ear,

Freddie: Yeah,

Sam: I don't know, you looked, kinda cute.

Freddie: Aww, then it was worth the hearing loss.

Sam: I can't believe you're being so cheap!

Freddie: I can't believe you're being so pushy!

T-bo: I can't believe I still don't have my 36 dollars!

Sam: [turns to Freddie] This is not how boyfriends behave!

Freddie: Uh, yes it is!

Sam: Ok, let's go ask Carly what she thinks!

Freddie: Let's do it! [they both get up and leave the Groovie Smoothie]

T-Bo: Wait, Wait! What about my 36 dollars?

[Carly is spray painting a plastic butt]

Spencer: Hey Carly! I brought you some- [pauses and looks at what Carly is doing] What'ya doing?

Carly: [sounding tired and stressed] Spray painting this butt blue.

Spencer: Any reason?

Carly: It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.

Spencer: [sounding excited] A blue butt bit?!

Carly: [sounding annoyed] Yes, a blue butt bit!

Spencer: Ah! I brought you some corn juice. [shows Carly the glass of juice]

[Carly shrugs her shoulders looking confused and still a bit annoyed and stressed]

Spencer: See, I was just, hanging on my lawn, shacking some corn, and I thought to myself, "How come no one's ever thought to juice corn?" So I grab a juicer and-

Carly: Maybe, no body had thought to juice corn because most people have brains that function normally! [Throws her spray painter on the table in anger]

Spencer: Uhh.. [sounding really upset]

Carly: Oh..

Spencer: Wh-

Carly: [starting to feel bad for shouting at him] Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! No, here, give me the cup..

[Spencer starts crying]

Carly: Come here, come here.. [gives Spencer a hug] No, I know, you didn't do anything wrong!

[Spencer grabs Carly's hair and uses it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose]

Carly: I'm just.. Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like ten times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just... I'm under a lot of stress!

Spencer: Okay. [blows his nose on his towel] But if Sam and Freddie keep getting on your nerves, then, why do you keep helping them?

Carly: Cause they're my friends, and... they're in this new relationship, and I.. I want them to be happy. [takes a sip of the corn juice and spits it back into the cup] Corn juice is awful!

Spencer: Isn't it?!

[Gibby comes out of the elevator and Spencer walks off]

Gibby: Gibbaaayyy!

Carly: Hey Gibby, you wanna help me with-

Gibby: Shut up a sec!

Carly: [confused]What?

Gibby: After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet, I think he's got an anxious bladder.

Carly: Why me?!

Gibby: He's your dog too!

Carly: No, he's not! I never wanted a dog!

[Gibby starts crying]

Carly: I'm sorry! Come here! [gives Gibby a hug] Oh my god I'm a monster. You want some corn juice?

Gibby: Yes please.

Freddie: [looks to Carly] Carly, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with their mouth full of lasagna?

Sam: [looks to Carly and scoffs] Is it wrong for a person to pick on every little thing I do?

Carly: [frustrated as she slams her fork down and, gets up] Yes. And yes! You both should be furious with each other! [walks over to their table and pushes Sam over hard] Furious!

Freddie: Well, I wouldn't say I'm furious.

Carly: Well, you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch a girl go: [mocking Sam's table manners] "Bleh! I'm Sam Puckett! Bleh! Wa-wa-wa."

Sam: [looks offended]

Freddie: ...Ew.

Carly: [to Sam] And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go: [mocking Freddie nitpicking at Sam] "Bleh! You're using too much Parmesan! Bleh! Don't chew with your mouth open! Bleh!" Seriously! Why don't you two just pick up your forks, and use them to jab each other in the eyes?! [slams fork down on the table].

Gibby: Carly? I'm coming in, I got a friend. [holds up a puppy]

Carly: Awwww, a puppy?

Gibby: Yeah, isn't he cute?

Carly: Yeah, he's really cute! [strokes the puppy]

Gibby: You hear that little guy? Mommy loves you!

Carly: Uh, uh, why did you call me his mommy?

Gibby: Well you know, Sam and Freddie are always hanging out together now,

Carly: Yeahh...

Gibby: And that means you and I are going to have more time, just the two of us!

Carly: Yeaahhh...

Gibby: So I figured sharing a dog would give us something to talk about!

Carly: No.

Carly: I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to have a fight so I can settle it?

Sam: Pretty much.

Freddie: We'd really appreciate that.

Carly: Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.

Spencer: Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.

Carly: What about that moon?

Spencer: Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.

Carly: Wow.

Spencer: Yeah. Had to use a bunch of big long screws, and a steel cable to stur—

[The moon on the ceiling fall on Spencer and Carly.]

Spencer and Carly: (Groan)

Spencer: Hi, I made a lawn!

Gibby: That is a lawn.

Carly: See, this is why I don't like to leave the house. What do we do with it? [pokes Spencer in the stomach]

Spencer: Whatever we wanna do!

Gibby: The possibilities are limitless!

Spencer: We can play on it, we can sit on it a listen to music, we can have a barbecue on it-

Gibby: We can play badminton.

Spencer: You play badminton?

Gibby: Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock!

Spencer: Sweet! [high fives Gibby] Oh! And at night, we can just lay on the grass and, stare up at the stars.

Gibby: Yeeeaaahhhh.

[Spencer and Gibby look up]

Carly: Okay. [walks over to the kitchen]

Gibby: Man, wait 'till Sam and Freddie see this. I bet they love lawns.

Spencer: Where are they?

Gibby: Probably making out.

Spencer: Eewwwwww!

Carly: Why ewww?

Spencer: I don't like couples that are all public with their.. [makes kissing noises, trying to make fun of Sam and Freddie kissing]

Carly: Oh c'mon! Sam and Freddie have spent years practically hating each other, I think it's kinda nice to see them being all... [makes kissing noises]

Spencer: No no, it's more like... [makes more kissing noises]

[Carly and Spencer carry on making kissing noises making fun of Sam and Freddie]

Gibby: Haha. Look at this lawn. This is one sweet patch. [starts stroking the grass]

Sencer: You know that's Kentucky Chuck grass.

Gibby: Seriously?!

[Sam walks in quite angry]

Sam: Unbelievable!

Spencer: You don't live here.

Freddie: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

Sam: Fine, then talk.

Freddie: Okay, look, it's not that i didn't appre-

Sam: (groans and walks away)

Freddie: You walked away again!

Spencer: Look at my lawn.

Carly: What are you guys fighting about?

Sam: Nothin'.

Freddie: Mr. Fracs gave me a B on my world history paper and I was mad because I thought I deserved an A.

Sam: That's right, you told me you were mad at Fracs.

Freddie: That didn't mean I wanted revenge!

Sam: If he's gonna give you B's, why shouldn't I give him bees?

Carly: Wait, what'd you do?

Sam: I filled his car with bees.

Freddie: I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

Sam: Come on baby, you wrote a good paper.

Freddie: I know, but you can't just go around-

Carly: All right, listen. Sam, Freddie should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital.

Sam: I guess.

Carly: And Freddie, even though it's a little extreme, to violate a man with bees, you should a least appreciate that Sam did it because she cares about you.

Freddie: (Sighs) Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Sam: (Puts her arms out towards him) Give mama some sugar.

Freddie: Okay. [they kiss and hug]

Carly: Awww.

Spencer and Gibby: Awww.

Carly : (to Freddie) Freddie, it's not nice to make fun of someone's cheese habits. (to Sam) Sam, that is an insane amount of cheese. It embarrasses me.

Paul: [walks up next to Carly] I'm also a photographer.

Carly: This close to callin' the cops! [Guy walks away]

Carly: [Grabs Sam and Freddie's plates after dramatically walking away] I deserve this lasagna. [Glares and walks away again]

Carly: Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves? You know, like, just the two of you?

Sam: Nah, everytime we're alone for an hour, we fight about something.

Freddie: So, we want you to come with us, 'cause you always come up with smarts ways for us to compromise.

Sam: And anyway, have you ever had the lasagna at Pini's?

Carly: No, it's good?

Freddie: Good? [walks to his cart]

Sam: Uh, it is so good that when I die, please bury me naked in a bathtub full of Pini's lasagna!

Spencer: AHHWHH! OH MY GOD! [comes into the kitchen from the back door, covered in smoke and ash]

Carly: ...What happened to you?

Spencer: You guys... realize how flammable gasoline is? It's really flammable!

iCan't Take It[edit]

Carly: So, things are going good with you and Freddie?

Sam: Yeah, way better. Only 3 fights this week.

Carly: And you haven't hit him?

Sam: Not in the face...

Carly: [smiles] Aww, that's sweet.

Freddie: [knocks on Carly's bedroom door; comes in holding his blue laptop] So, guess a-who just finished editing iCarly's next fake movie trailer?

Carly: The same guy a-who edits all of iCarly's fake movie trailers?

Freddie: [smiles proudly] Yes... [to Sam] Hey, cuteness.

Sam: Lips please. [Freddie leans down, gently lifts Sam's chin with his fingers and kisses her for 3 seconds]

Carly: [shocked in a good way] How did this happen?? You guys have a relationship, and I have a magnetic fish! [holds up the fishing rod she's been holding with a magnetic fish at the end]

Mrs. Benson: [comes into the Shay's apartment holding a silver bar] Freddie!

Gibby: Wow, Freddie! Your mom's here!

Mrs. Benson: [puts the silver bar on the counter]

Freddie: [looks at her; confused] What's that?

Mrs. Benson: 100 ounces of pure palladium.

Gibby: Wow! So a bar like that must be quite valuable!

Mrs. Benson: Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.

Spencer: [raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]

Freddie: [holding the bar; surprised] Whoa, whose is this?

Mrs. Benson: Yours...

Freddie: Why would you give me something worth this much money?

Mrs. Benson: So you'll do something for me in return!

Gibby: That seems fair!

Freddie: What do you want me to do?

Mrs. Benson: [loudly] Stop dating Sam!

Freddie: [gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked] How'd you know?

Gibby: Yes, how did you know?

Mrs. Benson: It doesn't matter! [to Freddie] If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Puckett to find some other boy to ruin!

Freddie: You can't bribe me to break up with Sam!

Mrs. Benson: But, Freddie!

Freddie: [furious] No chance!

Mrs. Benson: [screams and rips a piece of her shirt; takes the palladium back from Freddie and runs back into her apartment].

Freddie: [mouthing] Wow... [sits back down]

Carly: [annoyed and angry] I'm going to kill Sam and Freddie! [to Gibby] Are you sure they haven't texted you?

Gibby: [to Carly] Look, I'm just having some juice.

Carly: [frustrated] Well, fan-bat-tastic! iCarly starts in thirty seconds, and I'm here, alone!

Gibby: I'll try not to take that the wrong way.

Carly: [to Gibby] Alright, we're starting iCarly. You and me. Get up!

Gibby: [excitedly] Really?

Carly: In 5, 4, 3, 2.. [as she sets up the tech stuff] I'm Carly! [looks to Gibby]

Gibby: [stands there and smiles as he says nothing]

Carly: [keeps glancing at Gibby to say something]

Gibby: [to Carly] My turn?

Carly: [disappointed] And this has been iCarly. [turns off the web cast]

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] So, last week you two made me your involuntary Couple's Counselor. Then you edited me out of "Super Bra" and tonight you made me do iCarly by myself.

'Gibby: [offended as he yells to Carly] What am I, a mushroom?!

Freddie: [to Carly] Okay, you're making way too big a deal out of--

Sam: [to Freddie as she gently pats him on the arm 3 times] Hey, hey, hey this isn't about us missing the show...

Freddie: [to Sam] She seems pretty upset by-- [Sam nods at him] Oh, right...

Sam: Mm hmm...

Carly: [rolls her eyes, annoyed] What's right?

Freddie: [to Carly] Look, since Sam and I started going out [looks to Sam, then back at Carly], maybe you've been feeling a little--

Sam: [finishing his sentence] Jealous.

Carly: [looking shocked] Wh- wh- wh- wh? [scoffs] You two think I'm jealous of your relationship?

Freddie: Maybe.

Sam: And maybe you were the one who let his mom know that we were going out.

Carly: [shocked] I did not!

Freddie: [confused] Then who did?

Carly: [screams] Gib---what?

Sam and Freddie: [glaring at Gibby]

Sam: [mad] Gibby?

Gibby: [sarcastic to Carly] Thanks, Carly! So much for secrets!

Sam: [runs to Gibby and throws him on the floor while screaming]

Gibby: Your son, Freddie...

Mrs. Benson: [gasps]

Gibby: ...is dating Sam. Look at this. [holds up PearPad and shows Mrs. Benson a picture of Freddie with his arm around Sam's shoulder; smiling at each other]

Mrs. Benson: [screams shrilly and loudly]

Gibby: [to Carly] Tell us what you know.

Mrs. Benson: [to Carly] Give into your anger.

Spencer: [screams] What?! [his pants fall down]

Carly: [to Gibby] You know we're about to ruin a relationship between two of our best friends?

Carly: [feeling bothered by Gibby going to take a nap in her bed] Oh...

Carly: [to Freddie] You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your mom you and Sam are dating.

Freddie: [scoffs] Oh really, you wanna see my mom burst into flames?

Carly: Yes!

Spencer: That'd be cool.

Sam: [laughs]

Mrs. Benson: [Off Screen knocking on the door] Freddie, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!

Freddie: Now what?

Sam: [to Freddie] No worries, we'll take the 'vator. [to Spencer] Tell his batty mom you haven't seen him or me.

Spencer: No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your mother.

Freddie: [frustrated] Why not?

Spencer: 'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie...and before you know it, you're a guy telling multiple lies.

Sam: [scoffs] Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here I lied for you.

Mrs. Benson: [OS annoyed knocking on the door louder] Fredward Benson!

Sam and Freddie': [look to Spencer, pleadingly]

Spencer: Fine. I'll lie. Go.

[Sam and Freddie run toward the elevator door. Sam pushes the second button]

Mrs. Benson: [OS annoyed knocking on the door] Fredward!

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] You know, you guys could invite me to go to the movies with you. [as Sam and Freddie step in the elevator]

Freddie: [to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Uh, well if you wanted to--

Sam: [to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.

Sam and Freddie: [as the elevator door shuts] Bye, Carly!

Gibby: Wait, I brought you a flashlight too. [shows Mrs. Benson pictures]

Mrs. Benson: What's that?

Gibby: Oh, that's me in the bathroom. And that's me brushing my cat's teeth. [Stops and looks and Marissa's face] He didn't like it...

Gibby: What am I? A mushroom?!

Freddie: [looking at his PearPhone] Ah, dag, man! No!

Sam: [to Freddie] What's the matter, baby?

Freddie: I didn't get into that summer program I applied to.

Carly: [smiles] NERD Camp.

Freddie: It's not NERD Camp. It's "New Electronics Research and Development camp!"

Gibby: [laughs to Freddie] You're perfect for that!

Freddie: I know!

Gibby: Cool! There's a sale for glitter gloss at the store!

Spencer: Why do you get text updates from Glitter Gloss?

Gibby: I care about women's personal needs, a'ight?

Spencer: [looks at Carly, Sam and Freddie giving an offended and weirded out expression based on Gibby's reaction]

Carly: [looks at Freddie] Look, having Sam in your life is like owning a wild chimp...

Freddie and Sam: [both look confused]

Carly: Sure, she is unpredictable; she can go berserk and chew your foot off. But if you keep her clean and well fed, she's adorable [puts her arm around Sam] and cool and tons of fun.

Freddie: I know, but--

Carly: [interrupts Freddie] She said she was sorry! And she really meant it.

Gibby: [walks in quietly]

Carly: Sam loves you! [looks at Sam waiting for her to speak then nudges her]

Sam: [shyly] It's kinda true.

Carly: [steps to the side and gestures for Sam to kiss Freddie then pushes them closer together]

Freddie: [smiles lovingly at Sam]

Sam: [smiles lovingly back at him]

Carly: [pushes them together to kiss]

Sam and Freddie: [kiss for 10 seconds]

iLove You[edit]

Chaz: [threateningly, jokingly] You just be good to our little Sammy, or we're gonna have to stab you.

Uncle Carmine:..All over.

Freddie: [stares at Chaz scared]

Sam, Chaz, and Uncle Carmine: [laugh thinking the threat's funny]

Freddie: [laughs awkwardly and nervously; still scared by the threat]

Jenna: That movie is too scary for Spencer.

Spencer: No it's not!

Jenna: That's it. Go to bed.

Spencer: But I--

Jenna: Right now!

Jenna: I'm gonna tickle you! [to Spencer whilst also tickling him]

Spencer: Don't do it! [laughing]

Carly: Okay, This needs to stop right now.

Jenna: Isn't it past your bed time?

Carly: You're not the babysitter of me!

Freddie:[to Carly] You see this one is an exact replica of a 1952 Santa Fe Trudgemaster.

Carly:[sarcastically] Wow.

Freddie: You see these four rivets right here? A 1952 has six rivets.

Carly: Hey I'm not gonna lie, I'm super bored by this.

Freddie: Well you wouldn't be so bored if you had come to my train club meeting to watch this baby in action.

Carly: Hmm I'm pretty sure I woulda been.

Sam:[to Carly] Hey Carls. [to Freddie] Hey Pretty Baby.

Freddie: Hey Lil' Samantha. [Sam and Freddie kiss]

Carly: Alirght let's cool it with the public display of affection.

Sam: C'mon. We haven't kissed in two days.

Freddie: Our lips are starving!

Carly: Why didn't you guys kiss over the weekend?

Sam: Because we didn't see each other.

Carly: You didn't go play trains with him on Saturday night?

Sam: Naah. My mom and I went out to dinner and then we did some shopping. But we're gonna hang out after school right?

Freddie: Can't. I gotta go with my mom to her lady doctor. And I thought you said you had soccer practice?

Sam: Oh yeah.

Carly: You joined the soccer team?

Sam: Naah. Me and Wendy are just gonna use golf clubs to hit balls out towards the field.

Carly: During practice?

Sam: [gives her a no-duh kind of look] That's when the soccer girls are out in the open.

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] Okay, so you guys aren't gonna hang out together today and you didn't see each other at all this weekend?

Sam and Freddie: [shake their heads no]

Freddie: Nope.

Sam: Um..Nuh uh

Carly: Isn't that kinda weird?

Freddie: [to Carly] We're just not into the same kinda things.

Sam: [to Carly] Diff'rent stokes baby.

Carly: But you're a couple now.

Sam: [glances to Freddie] So?

Carly: [to Sam] So part of dating it's you learning to like stuff he likes [to Freddie] and you learning to like stuff she likes.

Sam: [confused] Uh.

Freddie: [to Sam, pats her on the back] Well, I got another meeting with my Model Train Club on Wednesday night. Wanna come?

Sam: [leans over to Carly] Should I be polite and lie?

Carly: [to Sam] Yes.

Sam: [goes back over to Freddie] I'd love to Baby.

Freddie: [puts his arm around Sam] Aww, that's my little fibber.

Sam: [Takes deep breath] A buh buh buh buh [gives Freddie a kiss on the cheek]

Freddie: I love you.

Sam: I love you too.

[Sam and Freddie kiss]

Freddie: [takes phone from pocket] It's only 10:30.

Sam: Wanna break up at midnight?

Freddie: [puts phone back] That works.

Sam: [smiles] Okay.

[Sam and Freddie step into elevator. Sam pushes the elevator button and they resume kissing.]

iQ[edit]

Freddie: Just don't talk about rumps in front of my mom

T-Bo: Why? she don't like rumps?

Mrs. Benson: This might take awhile

T-Bo: Ask as many questions as you like

Freddie: Terrence doesn't mind, as long as he gets to church by 9:30

T-Bo: [Prays]

T-Bo: Someone should notify your wife that she's married to a jerk!

Health Inspector: I'm divorced.

T-Bo: Lucky her!

Spencer: I'm at the junkyard bright 'n early this morning...

Carly: You sure you didn't wake up at noon?

Spencer: ... So I'm at the junkyard, about 2:30.

Spencer: I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.

Sam: But ... mostly, you are?

Spencer: Well, yeah.

Carly: So, I have to learn about boring Russian films and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Sam: He speaks Chinese?

Carly: Fluently, and all I know is [in Mandarin Chinese] Wo bu zhi dao!

Freddie: What's that mean?

Carly: I don't know.

Sam: How could you not know what it means?

Carly: I do know. It means. "I don't know."

Carly: [taping cheat notes to various places] He's gonna be here any minute! You know, you could help me!

Sam: [polishing her big fork] I gotta keep my fork shiny and lubed in case a meal breaks out!

[Sam impales a piece of bread with her big fork]

Carly: Hey! Hey! Keep your giant fork out of my date-bread.

Sam: The big fork wants what the big fork wants.

Kyle: More cheat notes! And you misspelled "Russia"!

Carly: Well my arm doesn't have a spell check!

iBloop 2: Electric Bloopaloo[edit]

Christopher: A girl who is clearly to my right, Jennette McCurdy.

Jennette: You know you could interview me?

Christopher: About what?

Jennette: iCarly.

Christopher: I'm on Victorious.

Jennette: Yeah, yeah, awesome show.

Christopher: Yes; we were nominated for an Emmy.

Jennette: Yeah I know... so was iCarly.

Jennette: [holding a jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa] What am I supposed to do with this?

Chirstopher: Look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Jennette: I.. I really don't feel comfortable doing that.

Christopher: Ryan Seacrest said it. He ate the whhooole jar.

Jennette: Ok-

Christopher: Are you saying you're better than Ryan Seacrest?

Jennette: I.. I never said I was better than-

Christopher: Look into the X camera and say it!

Jennette: Fine! [holds up the jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa'] "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Christopher: Try it with more enthusiasm.

Jennette: No, I said it, now let's just watch my bloopers ok?!

Christopher: You're very pushy, but alright.

Jennette: [ham falls off her fork onto the floor] The smart guy from the smoothie? [whilst trying not to laugh]

Miranda: Yeah!

Crew Member: Cut!

[Jennette and Miranda giggle and laugh]

Nathan: 5, 4, 3, 2.. [throws Jennette the remote whilst she's trying to get spaghetti off her fork]

[Jennette drops the remote]

[Jennette drops the remote again in a second take]

Jennette: Shut Up! [throws a tray on a cast member's foot]

Crew Member: Hold!

Jennette: [to the cast member whos foot she trew the tray at] Are you ok?

Cast Member: [whilst hopping] Oh yeah, almost lost a foot there..

[they all giggle]

Jennette: [sings] "My moustache is dangling from my face."

[The actor who plays Marty pushes Jerry in his seat under the table]

Jerry: It's like-

[Jennette spits her water out all over the table and everyone begins to laugh]

Nathan: [laughs so much that he falls off his stool]

Jerry: Sorry. [begins to laugh]

Jennette: [laughs hysterically with Jerry about what she's just done]

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Quit it!

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Carly!

Miranda: Sam loves-

[Jennette rolls off the bed and falls into the picture]

Crew Member: Hold!

Jennette: [gets up] I'm good.

Jennette: Um... so should we talk some more about my role on iCarly?

Christopher: No. Off you go.

Christopher: Now, if you were excited about seeing a good guest tonight, you'll have to wait a bit longer, 'cause up next, is Nathan Kress. He plays... [turns away from the camera towards the camera crew] Uh, who is he?

Dan: He plays Freddie on iCarly.

Christopher: Oh, he's the boy?

Dan: Yes sir.

Nathan: Thanks, thanks Christopher. Thanks for asking me to be on your show.

Christopher: I didn't ask you. My associate producer asked you, then she was fired.

Nathan: Ah, I see.

Christopher: Apple Juice?

Nathan: Uh, no, thanks.

Nathan: In here Mrs. Benson.

Jerry: [walks in] I'm not you mother! I'm her mother! [points at Jennette]

Nathan: [giggling] That's right...

Jerry: Mrs Puckett!

Nathan: [still giggling] ...sorry.

Jennette: Hey mom. [also giggling]

Jerry: Way to blow it!

Miranda: Jees! [jumping up and down whilst giggling]

Nathan: But he took your phone? [saying it wrong]

Dan: Let's do it again!

Nathan: [whilst walking off with Miranda and Jennette] Why do I keep doing that? Why?!

Dan: That's what we wanna know! [laughing]

Nathan: Gyahh! [peering around the corner]

Christopher: [to Jerry] Let's explain this to the audience so they can follow along. I used to date a girl named Stephanie, when she was in her prime.

Jerry: [Nods his head with a funny look on his face.]

Christopher: After I was finished with her, she and Jerry started dating.

Jerry: Yeah, and she's a great girl.

Christopher: Yes, I have some used snow skis I don't want anymore, perhaps you'd like to have those too?!

Jerry: Hey! Look-

Christopher: Now, now, let's be friendly. Apple Juice?

Jerry: No.

Jerry: [to the iCarly gang] Hey, you guys doing "The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl who thinks the co-

Jennette: That's the one.

[Take two]

Jerry: Hey, you guys doing "The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl-

Crew Member: Cut!

Jerry: [whilst giggling] I can't even get out girl anymore.

Jerry: You got change, for a lead pipe?! [is about to whack on the table but then stops] It's a steel pipe, isn't it?

[Jennette and Miranda giggle]

Jerry: So, if your mom rents a room to T-Bo, then, he's got a place to stay, your mom's got some extra money coming in and everymoney bud-

[Miranda, Jennette and Nathan laugh with Jerry]

Jerry: Mon.. Moneybud?

Jerry: Come on Marty, let's go look for my money, in my dirty clothes. [giggles]

[Take two]

Jerry: Come one Marty, [walks towards his bedroom] let's go look for my. [walks back again] Son of a-

Jennette: But they ch-

Jerry: Shut!

Jennette: ...me. [stops and starts laughing]

Jerry: Her!... hey- [begins to laugh]

Jennette: I hate you! I hate you so much! [whilst still laughing]

Jerry: Sorry. [still laughing]

Jerry: Let's really try to impress the big cheese on this take!

[Jerry trips over his stool and falls over]

Jennette: [sat on the couch laughing at him]

Jerry: Urghh.

Dan: Uh, you're doing a great job Jerry!

Jerry: [whilst sitting down] I literally can't see anything in these goggles!

Christopher: I like calling you Gibby.

Noah: Hey, whatever bakes your potato.

Noah: I'm gonna show you some photos.

[Noah's glasses fall on the floor whils he's trying to get his Pear Pad out of his jacket.]

Noah: I recommend "The Boston Grove" Sorry that was bad. [laughs and walks off]

[Miranda and Jennette also laugh as he walks off.]

Noah: Try it, draw a face on this grapefruit. [hands out a grapefruit with a face already drawn on it]

Miranda: No!

Dan: There's already a face on that grapefruit!

Noah: Hahaha! [points at Miranda and carrys on laughing]

Noah: And now watch, as I whip- [the coins fall off of his elbow too early] That was the trick. [laughs]

[everyone begins clapping]

Nathan: Gibby! [laughs]

Noah: Wow! [Begins to walk over to Miranda] They're having a big sale at "Bil- [walks back again laughing]

[Miranda giggles]

Noah: Sorry.

Noah: [pauses] That seems fair! [begins giggling] Me, I do anything- [starts laughing a bit more]

Nathan: [Turns round to Jerry.]

Noah: Sorry. Jerry please stop. [still giggling]

Nathan: [turns back around and starts laughing]

Jerry: [laughs hysterically in the kitchen]

Noah: [to Jerry] I just called you out.

Jerry: [shouts something to Noah from the kitchen]

Noah: No you're not! Oh my god, you know what you're doing. [continues laughing]

Christopher: What are you?

BooG!e: I'm BooG!e.

Christopher: What?!

BooG!e: I play T-Bo on iCarly.

Christopher: Oh. You're an actor on the show?

BooG!e: Ha, yeah my character runs the "Groovy Smoothie".

Christopher: So, people would know you if they saw you?

BooG!e: Uh huh, I get recognised a lot!

Christopher: Salsa!

BooG!e: What is this?!

Christopher: Just hold up the jar, look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

BooG!e: Alright, "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth!"

Christopher: Thank you. Goodbye!

BooG!e: But, wait, I thought we were gonna watch my bloopers?

Christopher: Security!

Christopher: Now please applaud with both hands for, Miranda Cosmose.

Miranda: Uh, actually my last name's Cosgrove.

Christopher: Look sweetheart, we have three minutes to do this, you really wanna waste time debating your last name.

Miranda: Uh, no!

Miranda: So, being on iCarly's relly fun.

Christopher: Oh yes. So, which fellow cast members do you hate the most?

Miranda: What?!

Christopher: Is it Jerry? Do you hate Jerry Trainor?

Miranda: No, I love Jerry! We all get along really well.

Christopher: Huuhhh. That's soooo interesting.

Christopher: Hold that jar up, look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Miranda: Why, what's this for?

Christopher: Charity?

Miranda: You swear this is for charity?

Christopher: Do you want to look at your bloopers or don't you?!

Miranda: Yeah.

Christopher: Then do as I instructed!

Miranda: Ok!

Christopher: Cue the music.

[music begins to play]

Miranda: "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Christopher: You all heard it. Johnny Depp's ex-girlfriend says she likes my salsa. So go buy it.

Miranda: I never dated-

Christopher: Let's look at some highlarious bloopers.

[Christopher Cane's Salsa video plays.]

Miranda: These aren't my bloopers!

Christopher: You know you were so adorable on 'Drake and Josh'.

Miranda: Awww, thanks.

Christopher: What happened?

Miranda: Just show my bloopers ok?!

Christopher: My, what a temper you have! I see why Johnny Depp dumped you. Let's view Miranda's bloopers.

Kevin: Well, ah, I don't wish to overstay my welcome. Goodnight.

Miranda: My hand's stuck. [shows her hand being stuck to her dress and starts laughing.]

Kevin: [falls onto the couch laughing]

Miranda: Someone help me! [continues laughing]

Miranda: I'm just, Sam and Freddie have been calling me like [picks up towel from Jerry's shoulder] ten times to-

Jerry: ahha.

Miranda: [begins to laugh] Sorry.

[both stay still looking at each other]

Miranda: I dunno what I just did. [starts laughing again]

Miranda: How did this happen?! You guys have-. Sorry.

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: [with a weird voice and hand gestures] Happen! I sound crazy. [starts laughing with Jennette]

Nathan: [taking the mic out of Miranda's blooper] Happen!

Miranda: [Repeating it with a weird voice and hand gestures] Happen!

Jennette: [sat on the seat laughing at them both]

Miranda: Is this, a new portion in our lives?! What's going on here?

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: Portion?!

Nathan: [laughing at Miranda's blooper]

Miranda: A new portion?! Sorry.

Miranda: [Looking up the stairs] But, but! [turns towards the camera]

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: I'm still crazy sorry! [begins laughing]

Jennette: How can you not know what it means?

Miranda: I do know what it means! It means, Wo bu zhi dao, which makes no sense. [starts laughing and throws her arm down onto her laptop]

Miranda: [walks out of the elevator] I'm back.

Nathan: Get her!!

[Nathan, Jennette and Jerry all run towards her and get her down on the floor]

Nathan: Right, go, go!!

[The three of them then rush out of the front door leaving Miranda on the floor confused and laughing]

Miranda: What are you doing? [still laughing]

iStill Psycho[edit]

Carly: Sam! Sam!

Sam: Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly: I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie: I did!

Carly: We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam: For why?

Carly: For wh- For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam: Maybe they should let her go?

Carly: What?! Why?!

Sam: Look I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie: Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly: Yeah, well I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo: Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly: What are you doing?

T-Bo: Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer: Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie: Yeah, he does!

T-Bo: See!

Freddie: If my mom sees how T-Bo really is she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo: Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie: It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo: Haha [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby: Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo: Not really!

Gibby: Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie: Hellooooo.

Sam: Gibaloni.

Carly: Where've you been?

Gibby: The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam: Please say it was a horse.

Gibby: Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam: Oh my god!

Spencer: No!

Carly: Woah!

Gibby: It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam: What does it do?

Gibby: Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly: Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby: Oh yeah!

Sam: Where'd you get the money?

Gibby: From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly: Oh yeah.

Gibby: Are your feet in milk?

Spencer: Yep.

Gibby: [moves a milk carton of the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly: Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby: Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly: What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby: Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly: Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby: [Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Judge Moyle: Alright; Nora Dershlit, you may speak on your own behalf.

Nora: Thank you judge Moyle. [sits down] The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to express how terrible I feel for.. for what I did to the iCarly's. People who I only wanted to respect me, [Gibby begins to get out his fake head but Sam then makes him put it away] to like me, and to except me as a person and a chicken lover. I'm not worthy of freedom, I deserve to rot in my cell. It's, not a joyful life but, not much worse than the life I used to have. At least now I'm surrounded by other prisoners so, in a way, I finely have friends. Oh, I'm sorry mom and dad!

[Nora's mother beging to cry]

Judge Moyle: The victims will now have a chance to speak.

Carly: Thank you Judge. [turns to Nora] Look Nora. What you did was- [Nora's mother interrupts with her crying] Without.. without consequences- [Nora interrupts with a guilty noise] A person never learns- [Nora interrupts once again with a gulity noise] Oh, just let her go, let her go! [Hugs Sam and starts crying]

Sam: Shhh, it's ok, shut up, shut up. [tries to comfort Carly]

Gibby: [Get's his head out once again and shoves it in a lady's face] Wanna smell my head?

Judge Moyle: Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- [stops after noticing Gibby's fake head] What is that?!

Gibby: Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?

Judge Moyle: Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. [clicks his pen and starts writing] Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents.

Nora's Parents: Oh, thank goodness! Yes!

Judge Moyle: Balif, remove her handcuffs.

[Nora's handcuffs are removed and she kisses her mom and dad.]

Nora: Oh, you guuyyyss! [rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]

iCarly gang: Yayyy... [sarcastically]

Nora: Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom!

Freddie: Oh, you don't have to thanks us.

Carly: We're just happy you're a better person now.

Nora: Oh I am, I know I am!

Nora's Mother: Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home.

Nora: Wow, really!

Nora's Father: Yes baby.

Nora's Mother: And, we invited all your classmates from school.

Nora: [gasps] And they're all coming?!

Nora's Father: No.

Nora's Mother: None of them are.

Nora: Oh, well, Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, Gibby's head, would you all please come?

[The iCarly gang begin making excuses on why they can't go.]

Nora: Well, that's ok. I guess it will just be me, my mom and my dad.

Nora's Father: Sorry, I can't make it baby.

Nora: Why not?

Nora's Father: I wanna go camping, alone, tonight. [kisses her forehead]

Nora: Oh, I guess it will just be supper for the two of us then. [looks at the iCarly's really upset before heading home]

[The iCarly gang look at each other feeling really bad and sorry for Nora]

Carly: Uh, okaayy, we'll come to your Norwegian supper.

Nora: You will?! All of you will?

iCarly Gang: Yeahhh...

Nora: Oh yay! Yay for days! Haha!

Baliff: Hey, uh, has anybody here seen my taser?

Carly: Sam.

Freddie: Sam.

Sam: Oh! Is this your taser? [gets out the taser from her bag and gives it back]

Nora: Oh, I'm home! This is where I belong, back in the bosom of my youth!

Gibby: [laughing with Freddie] Ha, Bosom.

Freddie: I know. [giggle with Gibby]

[Maurice clucks]

Nora: Morice! Oh Morice I missed you so much! Give me some beak! [kisses Maurice]

Carly: This place brings back the memories huh?

Sam: Yep. Hey Nora, remember when your clown had an aneurism, or should I say, clownurism?

Nora: Yes, poor Cramps!

Nora's Mother: Ok kids, we don't need to talk about that terrible day! Not when we have this beautiful buffet of Norwegian foods. [brings everyone round the table of food, and takes of the foil from the food]

Freddie: Yeahh, what exactly are, 'Norwegian Foods'?

Nora's Mother: Well, we have lutefisk.

Sam: Lutefisk?

Nora: It's dry cod fish soaked in lie solution for several days.

Gibby: That's nauseating.

Nora: Nauseatingly delicious!

Nora's Mother: And then we have warm tongue with flan.

Nora: Oooo! And about desert?

[Nora's mother takes of the foil of the desert]

Nora: [gasps] Beef cookies and cream! [gasps again]

[Freddie looks disgusted whilst getting out his phone]

Sam: Ok, [picks up a lutefisk] even I can't eat this chiz! [and throws it back down again disgusted]

Freddie: Hey, there's no way we're gonna make the last train back to Seattle.

Carly: I'll just text Spencer and tell him to come pick us up. [gets out her phone and texts Spencer] "Hey, pick us up from Nora's at about nine o'clock-"

Nora: Try this monkfish liver! [shoves a plate of Norwegian food in Sam and Carly's faces]

[Sam stands there with a disgusted look on her face]

Carly: "..or sooner."

[Everyone's sat down eating]

Freddie: And, what kind of cream is this?

Nora's Mother: It's made from pig's milk.

Sam: I'm done. [puts her plate down.]

Freddie: Well, that's enough of that. [also putting his plate down]

Gibby: [still eating the cream] I love pig's milk. I love it right from the pig.

[Doorbell rings]

Carly: Oh, that must be Spencer.

Nora: I'll fetch him. [gets up and opens the front door]

Spencer: Hi, I'm Spencer Shay. Uh, I know we just met but I drank a double big chug on the up way here and if I don't hit a bathroom in the next 30 seconds-!

Nora: Of course! Mother, would you please show Spencer to our best toilet?

Nora's Mother: Certainly. [grabs Spencer and brings him inside] We just got a new one downstairs; it's comfort height.

Spencer: Any toilet would be fine.

Nora's Mother: Come with me.

[Nora's mother takes Spencer down into the basement]

[The other's begin picking up their belongings ready to leave]

Carly: Well Nora, thanks so much for the awesome Norwegian supper.

Sam: Yeah, I guess I've had worse dinners.

Nora: Awww, you're all so welcome.

Gibby: Love the beef cookies.

Freddie: And, congrats on getting released from prison.

Nora: [gives a thumbs-up] Thank you!

Carly: Okay, I guess this is goodbye.

Nora: Oh, no it's not.

Freddie: Yeah, we really have to get back.

Nora: Yeah, well, you're not gonna.

[Nora's mother locks the door to the door to the basement and joins the others.]

Sam: Uh, what are you talking about?

Nora's Mother: You children are going to be here for quite a while.

Nora: Yes, you will. [Nora and her mother both turn their heads to Carly quickly at the same time.] I know you will.

Carly: [throws down her bag and tries to open the front door] It's locked.

Sam: Move. [also tries to open the door] Unlock it Nora!

Nora: No!

Freddie: [to Gibby] The windows!

[Freddie and Gibby rush to the windows and try to open them]

Nora's Mother: I don't think you'll be able to get them open either.

Sam: I know how to get a window open.

[Sam walks over to a wooden chair and smashes it against a window and watched it fall to pieces.]

Nora: All the windows have been replaced with Maxi Glass.

Nora's Mother: They're quite unbreakable.

Sam: Yeah? [picks up a piece of broken chair] Well I bet your faces aren't made out of Maxi Glass?

Carly: Get 'em Sam!

[Sam rushes over towards Nora and her mother]

Nora: [quickly] Wow Carly, I thought you cared about your brother?!

Carly: Sam wait!

[Sam stops still]

Carly: What are you talking about?

Nora: My new favourite television programme. [walks over towards the TV]

Gibby: "Jiggin' The Fat Man"?

Nora: No. Wheel of... [turns on TV]

Spencer: Carly!!

Nora: ...Spencer!

Carly: Spencer, Spencer! Where are you?!

Freddie: He's in the basement!

[Carly and Freddie rush over to the basement door and try to open it.]

Carly: Spencer!

Nora's Mother: I'm afraid the door to the basement is, quite locked.

Nora: And if Sam or, any of you try to harm me or my mother, this is what will happen.

[Spencer starts spinning on the wheel]

Spencer: What, what's happening? I'm rotating! Help! Carly! And I still have to pee!

Spencer: Arrggghhhhh!!

Carly: [walks up to the TV] Spencer! Spencer!!

Nora: Oh silly Carly, he can't hear you.

Sam: He's in the basement!

Freddie: Would you stop that wheel?!

Nora: Oh I'd be glad to. [stop the wheel]

Spencer: Arggghhhhh..... Oh great, it's stopped spinning.. now I can puke.

Nora: No need to watch that. [turns of the TV]

Gibby: Don't turn it off, it was just getting good!

Carly: Nora... you're a nutcase!

Nora: [stands up off the coach] The proper term is disturbed, lonely, socio-path.

Sam: Look dude, we're the ones who got you out of jail!

Nora: True.. but first, you tainted the memory of my 16th birthday party! So now, we're going to undo the taint. Mother, please fetch our party guests!

Nora's Mother: [whilst doing weird and uncool hand gestures] BRB!

Carly: You're the one who ruined the memory of your own birthday party!

Freddie: Everything would have been cool if you'd just had let us go home afterwards!

Sam: Instead of you and your stupid chicken locking us in your basement!

Nora: You will never, besmirch the name of my chicken. You apologise to Morice right now!

Sam: Ah, sniff it Nora.

Nora: I will not, sniff it! But I will Carly's brother, the spins.

[Nora's starts spinning Spencer's wheel again]

Spencer: Oh no, is turning again, what's.. happening!!

Carly: Just apologise to the chicken!

Sam: Urghh. [walks over and bends down to Morice] I'm sorry that be spired your name by calling you stupid. And that I've eaten thousands of your relatives.

[Nora stops Spencer from spinning]

Nora: Thank you Sam. Now let's all where party hats, there's some right over there!

Carly: We're not wearing party hats.

Nora: Put on the hats!

[They all rush over and quickly put on the hats]

Gibby: Wait a second.

[The other three stare at Gibby]

Gibby: Why are you guys staring at me?

Freddie: You said, "Wait a second."

Gibby: Oh yeah! Uh, there's four of us and one of Nora, so let's just take the remote away from her.

Nora: Oooo, bad idea. See if any iCarly's make a sudden move, I hit this special red button, and Spencer spins at top speed until his brain turns to goo.

Carly: Goo?!

Nora: Yes goo! Haha! And you won't be able to stop it.

Gibby: Huuhhhh. She's really thought this through.

Nora: Yes, prison gives you lots of time to think, and to plan, and to not shower.

[All stand there with disgusted faces one again]

T-Bo: Alright! You want the truth?

Mrs. Benson: Yes! Right Now!

T-Bo: You... I...:

[T-Bo walks over to kitchen countertop and takes a drink, stalling for time]:

T-Bo: Okay, nobody calls me Terrence! I am T-Bo! T - Bo! I'm not fancy! [In fancy voice] I don't talk like this. [In normal voice] I sling smoothies, I put food on sticks, and I like a lot of women!

Mrs. Benson: You lied to me.

T-Bo: So much!

Mrs. Benson: Why?

T-Bo: So you'd rent me the room! Now this is the real me. You can either accept me as I am, or just tell me to get out.

Mrs. Benson: Get out.

[T-Bo stands with a shocked, disappointed face]:

Carly: Ok, what are we gonna do?!

Sam: [starts travelling over towards her bag] I'll tell you what we're gonna do. As soon as those two freaks walk back in here... [gets out and starts swinging the butter sock]

Carly: No, no butter sock.

Sam: C'mon man?!

Freddie: You can't attack them as long as Spencer's on that wheel in the basement or else Nora's just gonna spin him again.

Carly: And anyway that butter sock is gross!

Sam: I change the butter once a month!

Carly: Do you really?

Sam: No.

Freddie: Man, there is no way to get this window open.

Gibby: Hey, I know how Santa Claus would get out of here.

Carly: Oh, the chimney!

Sam: Right, that's the one!

[the three of them rush over to the chimney.]

Gibby: No,[strokes the dummy's hair] on a reindeer.

Freddie: Gibby!

Sam: You idiot!

Carly: We thought you meant climbing up the chimney!

Gibby: That could also work.

Sam: Urgh, just go stuff yourself up there and go for help!

Gibby: KK.

Carly: Wa, wa, wa, wait! The Dershilts will notice he's gone!

Freddie: No, cause Gibby's gonna be taking a nap, [gets out Gibby's fake head] on the couch.

Nora and Nora's Mother: [they both come out of the kitchen carrying cake and singing] "Oh, for Nora's a jolly good person, for Nora's a jolly good person... [Nora makes the iCarly gang join]

Everyone: For Nora's a jolly good person!...

Nora: Now Freddie's gonna get kissed!"

Freddie: What?! That's not the lyrics!

[Nora blows out her candles and grabs Freddie]

Freddie: No!

[Nora kisses Freddie and Carly and Sam stand there looking worried and shocked]

[Nora's still kissing Freddie whilst Sam, Carly and Nora's mother and watching and eating cake]

Nora: [finally lets Freddie go] Yeah! [gives Freddie a thumbs up]

Freddie: [out of breath, he turns to Sam and Carly looking shocked and confused.] You guys just stood there, eating cake, while I was tampered with?!

Sam: It's really good cake.

[when Mrs. Benson and T-Bo are about to leave for the Dershlits, T-Bo walks into the bathroom]

Mrs. Benson: Where are you going?

T-Bo: ...To get my $7 bottle of Jamaica my hair so silky!

Freddie: You made a hamburger?

Sam: Your mom's got this!

Carly: Will you stop spinning my brother?!

Nora: No!

Carly: Why?! I sang you Happy Birthday like you wanted!

Nora: You were pitchy!

Carly: [gasps] Well.

[Spencer continuous screaming from the television]

[Sam picks up a vase and throws it to make it smash]

Sam: Run Gibby!!

Nora: Gibby?!

Nora's Mother: He's still in the house!

Nora's Father: Check all the bedrooms.

[Nora, Nora's Father and Nora's Mother go off looking for Gibby]

Carly: You saw Gibby?!

Sam: No, I threw a glass thing in there to buy us some time.

Freddie: Time for what?!

Sam: To figure out a way to get us out of this 'nut-hut'! [hits Freddie continuously whilst saying it]

Freddie: Ow!

Carly: Why hasn't your freakish mother come looking for us by now?

Freddie: She thinks we're at the hotel with Spencer so why would she- [quickly grabs the back of his head] The chip!

Sam: What chip?

Freddie: [turns to Sam] The one my mom had surgically installed in my head when I was a toddler.

[Sam pulls an 'of course' face]

Freddie: If it stops transmitting, it triggers an emergency signal to my mom's tracking device and tells her my location!

Sam: Oh cool, then make it stop transmitting!

Carly: Yeah, where's the off switch?

Freddie: I dunno, it's in my head!

Sam: [Smacks Freddie on the head and screams into his ear] Mrs Benson, help us!!

Carly: Shhh! Do you want the Dershilts to hear you?!

Freddie: Smacking me on the head isn't gonna make the chip stop working!

Carly: Then what will make it stop working?!

Sam: And trigger the emergency signal!

Freddie: I guess it would have to be electrically shorted out somehow.

[all pause and think]

Sam: Ohh!! [rushes over to the chair and searches quickly through her jacket] The shock pen!

Freddie: [worried] Oh, the shock pen?

Carly: Is that Spencer's?

Sam: Yeah I stole it, see?

Freddie: Why'd you steal his shock pen?

Sam: 'Cause I like it, and I didn't have one!

[Nora rushes back into the room]

Nora: Where's, Gibby?

Carly: Just don't look in you parent's shower!

Nora: Mother, mother! Gibby may be showering! [runs off to find Gibby again]

Sam: Ok Benson, I hope this thing is powerful enough to blow that chip-

Freddie: No no no no, let Carly do it.

Sam: Why?

Freddie: 'Cause Carly cares about me. A least she'll try to be gentle. She won't just take the thing and stick it-

[Carly sticks the pen in Freddie's head and he falls on the floor]'

Sam: Here, gimme that?

Carly: What are you doing?

Sam: Just to be sure. [places the pen on Freddie's head once more]

iBalls[edit]

Freddie: That lady treated me like I'm useless! Apparently I'm just a monkey balls with a camera!

Sam: Whoa, can we get a monkey to work the camera?

Sam: Hey, if you're going to Yakima for the weekend how will we do iCarly?

Carly: Oh yeah, you wanna host the show alone?

Sam: Naaah, I need somebody to banter with.

Freddie: Uhh, how about me? I could host iCarly with Sam.

Sam: Ooorr, I could fill a bag with yogurt and put a face on it?

Carly: That is hilarious. You could call him Baggels.

Sam: Baggels! I love that!

Freddie: You'd rather do comedy with a sack of yoghurt than me?

[Sam and Carly pull weird faces and try and not admit the fact that he's right]

Freddie: I can be creative! I've been working on some really funny characters and stuff.

Sam: Oh my god, no no no.

Carly: Sam.

Freddie: I've done stuff on the show before!

Sam: Little stuff.

Carly: That we wrote.

Freddie: Just let me host the show with Sam one time.

Carly: Ok.

Freddie: Yes! [turns to Sam with a pleading look.]

Sam: Whatevs.

Freddie: Yes! This is gonna be awesome! Yeah yohooo!

Carly: Have Baggels standing by.

Sam: Yeeepp.

Freddie: I just wanted people to think I was creative.

Sam: And I wanted a mom without stretch marks. That ain't happening. And... y'know, tech stuff can be sorta creative.

Freddie: What do you mean?

Sam: Well... you know, weren't you working on some sort of tech-y 3-D chizz?

Freddie: *sighs* Yeah. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot video so people could watch it online in three-D. Y'know, without special glasses.

Sam: See? That's creative!

Freddie: But I never could make it work.

Sam: Well... you know... uh....

Freddie: I... should try again?

Sam: Yeah, sounds like the sort of advice you'd get from someone who cares.

Mrs Benson: I'm here!

Sam: Why?!

Mrs Benson: Where are your manners?!

Sam: In my butt. Sit down.

Gibby: Let's go bathe in the glory.

Sam: No one, wants to see you, bathe.

Gibby: My cat loves watching me bathe.

Sam: Courtney, I see you brought your camera. You want a picture with Freddie? [puts her arm round Freddie]

Courtney: No. But can I get one with Baggels?

Freddie: Goodbye Courtney.

iMeet The First Lady[edit]

Carly: Okay wait, is it straight?

Freddie: Ummm, I think my side needs to be a little higher.

Carly: [looks at Sam] Sam.

[Sam looks at Carly with a worried look on her face]

Carly: What are you doing with that balloon?

Sam: Taping the string to Freddie's phone.

Freddie: My.... [rummages around for his phone in a slight panick] Get your hands off my phone!

Sam: No prob. [lets go of the balloon]

Freddie: Ohh noo.

Carly: Saaamm.

Freddie: You get my phone down from there right now!

[Sam pulls out her mini paintball gun]

Freddie: No no wait, I want you t-

[Sam bursts the balloon and Freddie's phone smashes on the table]

Freddie: Not sure the warranty covers that.

[Gibby walks in]

Gibby: Gibbay! Woah, you guys getting ready for a party?

Sam: Yep.

Freddie: Carly's dad's coming home for a few days.

Carly: And it's the first time in 3 years that I getta spend his birthday with him.

Gibby: Sooo, Spencer's not your dad?

Carly: No!

[Sam whacks Gibby in the butt with a paintball]

Gibby: Oww!

Sam: You deserved that.

Gibby: Great. Now when I sit I'm gonna have to put all my weight on my left buttock.

[Spencer runs out]

Spencer: Okay! Okay, tell me what you guys think, huh? [makes funny noises whilst doing a weird jog on the spot]

Sam: What?!

Freddie: You got a job interview?

Spencer: Ew, no, gross.

Carly: He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm.

Spencer: [fake laughs] I gotta. You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?

Carly: He's been disappointed in you since you were 9!

Freddie: Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?

Carly: Yes.

Spencer: It was an accident!

Carly: Accident or not, it out Mr. Creamsteam out of business!

[Gibby lifts up a lid of a box revealing a cake]

Gibby: Woah ho ho, what's this?

Carly: Don't touch it.

Sam: That's her dad's birthday cake.

Carly: Yeah, it's an exact replica of a airforce, F22, fighter jet.

Spencer: Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.

Carly: Spencer- [tries to grab the remote off of him]

Spencer: Don' touch me, your dirty. [everyone looks round all confused] When we show dad the cake he say "Well, why aren't the candles lit?" and then Carly will say "Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?" and then I'll press this button, and-

[The cake explodes everywhere and all over everybody]

Carly: I'll order another cake.

Carly: So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?

Mrs Obama: No, not at all!

Spencer: She watched iCarly online last week.

Carly: No way!

Freddie: Seriously?!

Sam: For real?!

Mrs Obama: Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.

T-Bo: [walks through Carly and Spencer's front door] Wait, is she-

Spencer: Close it!

[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]

[T-Bo quickly leaves]

Sam: So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. [takes a small bow]

Freddie: You don't call her your excellency.

Mrs Obama: No, no, I kinda like it.

[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]

Mrs Obama: I came here to say, I'm proud of you.

Carly: Why are you proud of us?

Mrs Obama: [points at Carly] Because of how much you care for your father, [then points at Sam and Freddie] and because of what you two did for your friend.

Freddie: You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?

Mrs Obama: Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military.

Spencer: [puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders] Her husband is the president.

[Mrs Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their towards Spencer]

Spencer: Sorry. [takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]

Freddie: Has Sam ever showed up?

Carly: No. Nobody's seen her all day.

Sam: [whispers to Carly and Freddie] Psst! Over here.

[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]

Carly: Where have you been?!

Sam: Getting stuff. [starts getting things out of her school bag] Here's a wig for you, [puts a wig on Carly's head] and a wig for you. [puts a wig on Freddie's head] Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. [gives them each a passport]

Freddie: What's this stuff for?

Sam: We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.

Carly: Sam.

Sam: Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!

Freddie: How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!

Sam: Pfft. [gets out a bag of jewelery] I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge.

[men in suits come round the corner]

Freddie: Uhh, I think it might be too late for that.

Man #1: Miss Shay, Mr Benson, Miss Puckett.

Sam: [In a deep manly voice] Puckett, uh, are you looking for Sam Puckett? She passed away. Funeral's Thursday bye. [begins to hurry off]

Man #1]: Miss Puckett.

[Sam stops and turns around]

Sam: [throws her back pack onto the floor] Alright. [gets on her knees with her hands behind her head] Put the cuffs on loose would ya? I don't like it when they did into my wrist.

Man #2: Just come with us.

Freddie: What's wrong?

Spencer: That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.

Sam: What?!

Freddie: No way?!

Spencer: Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.

Freddie: Well who's gonna tell Carly?

[Spencer gives the puppy dog eyes look to Sam]

Sam: I'm not telling Carly.

Spencer: Why?!

Sam: Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!

Spencer: SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-

[Carly enters making aeroplane noises whilst bringing in her dad's birthday cake]

Carly: Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?

[the others look at each other looking upset not knowing what to say next]

Spencer: Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]

[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]

Spencer: Weenies!

Carly: Why are they weenies?

Spencer: I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.

Carly: Okay, something's going on here.

Spencer: Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-

Carly: I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-

Spencer: No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.

Carly: [shocked] He is too coming home, he told me.

Spencer: Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-

Carly: But we planned a big birthday party and everything.

Spencer: I know, I'm sad about it too, but-

[Carly begins to walk upstairs very upset]

Spencer: Don't be mad at him.

Carly: I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.

Spencer: You wanna talk about it?

Carly: No.

[Sam and Freddie walk back in]

Freddie: Hey!

Sam: Did you just call us weenies?

Spencer: Yes.

Sam: Ok.

Freddie: Later

[Sam and Freddie leave again]

Sam: When do we start the show?

Freddie: Where's Carly?

Sam: In her room, fixing her make-up.

Freddie: She was crying?

Sam: Yeah.

Gibby: Why? You hit her?

Sam: No, I didn't hit her!

Freddie: She's still upset about her dad not coming home.

Gibby: Oh well, she won't be upset in a few minutes when.. [notices Carly] Shut up! She's walking in!

Freddie: He's, just-

Carly: I don't care. Let's just get iCarly over with so I can back to my room and cry in the dark.

Freddie: In.. 5, 4, 3, 2

Carly: Hi.

Sam: And I'm Sam. Now hold onto your butter beans cause this is..

Carly and Sam: iCarly!

Sam: Okay, now recently, we've noticed something about pineapples.

Carly: They're usually naked.

Sam: But tonight..

Carly: We're gonna dress up a few pineapples real purty-like.

Sam: No, we're not.

Carly: What are you doing?

Sam: I'll tell you what we're doing. Me, Gibby and Frednard got a cool surprise for little miss Carly Shay here.

[Freddie hands Gibby the camera]

Freddie: As a lot of you know, Carly's dad..

Sam: Corneal Shay.

Freddie: Is in the airforce.

Carly: Can we not talk about my dad?

Sam: So he couldn't be here in person..

Freddie: To spend his birthday with Carly and her brother Spencer.

Carly: This is cruel.

Sam: Therefore, we've arranged for Carly to throw her dad a birthday iParty!

Freddie: Via the internet.

Carly: I told you guys, he's at some military base for the next 5 weeks, there's no way we can contact him.

Freddie: Ah! But there is.

Sam: And now, young Freddie will establish contact with her dad, Corneal Shay!

Carly: What?!

Gibby: Spencer, get out here!

Spencer: I'm out here!

Freddie: And, connecting to overseas airforce base.. now!

Sam: What up with the picture?

Freddie: One sec. [types] "Cornel Shay, can you see us?"

Carly: Can he?!

Carly's Dad: [types] "Yes".

Freddie: He can see us!

Carly: Hey dad!

Spencer: Hey dad!

Carly: It's me!

Spencer: I'm a lawyer!

Sam: Why can't we see him?

Freddie: I dunno, he can't get a clear video signal out.

Spencer: But he can see and hear everything we're saying?

Carly's Dad: [types] "Yes".

Freddie: Yes! Here, I'll put the instant message window on the big screen.

Carly's Dad: [types] "Hey guys!"

Carly: Ah! Hey dad!

Spencer: Happy Birthday!

Carly: I miss you!

Spencer: I'm a lawyer!

Carly: Dad! I love you so much!

Carly's Dad: [types] "Love you too snug bug :)"

Carly: Ahh! He called me snug bug, that's me, that's what he calls me!

Gibby: That's a cute nickname.

Carly's Dad: [types] "Hey Sam."

Sam: Hey Corneal Shay.

Carly's Dad: [types] "How's your mom?"

Sam: Oh my mom? Same as always.

Carly's Dad: [types] "I'm so sorry."

Freddie: Okay Cornel Shay, get excited, cause it's time for...

[Gibby brings out the birthday cake]

[Drum roll and Sam plays the music and switches the bright blue lights on]

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: [sing] Happy Birthday Corneal Shay..

Spencer: DAD!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: ..today's the day that you were born!

Gibby: Gibbay!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: We wish that you could be here with us, cause if you were we'd give you a hug! [shout] Give him a hug! [sing] We bought a cake shaped like a plane aaaannnnnddddd.... payed for it with your credit card! YEAH!! Woo!! Woop!

[Balloons fall from the ceiling]

Sam: C'mon, c'mon, the candles, light them!

Freddie: Yeah, do it!

Spencer: I will now light the candles on 3.. 1-

[The cake blows up everywhere]

Carly's Dad: [types] "Nice work Spencer."

Freddie: Uh guys, I may not be able to hold this connection much longer.

[Carly and Spencer argue on who says goodbye]

Spencer: Just say it!

Carly: Ok, okay! Dad, I really wish we were together, but, this almost feels like we are. Um, I'm really proud of you. Happy Birthday! I love you.

Carly's Dad: [types] "I love you too."

Carly: And I love you guys. [gives Sam and Freddie and hug.]

Freddie: That's it, lost the connection.

[Sam gives Carly a hug]

Spencer: Aw man, there's cake on the ceiling.

Gibby: Where? [cake falls onto his face] Oh, there.

Sam: How can you not be mad?

Carly: Mr Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.

Freddie: But he took your phone?

Carly: He'll give it back.

Freddie and Sam: But-

Carly: Okay, okay. Nothing can out me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs.

Sam and Freddie: Umm, well, no, no-

Carly: No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. [Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug] I love you.

[The trio walk in to find Spencer sat on the couch joined by agents.]

Spencer: Heeyy.

Carly: Um, who are-

Agent Kinsey: I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris.

Agent Farrow: We're with the United States Secret Service.

Spencer: Heeyy.

Agent Kinsey: This is about your recent webcast.

Agent Farrow: To a secure military base over-seas.

[The three of them look very worried]

Spencer: Heeyy.

[The agents are investigating the apartment.]

Carly: I don't understand this.

Agent Kinsey: Just relax Ma'am.

Spencer: How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!

Agent Farrow: We're just checking your place out.

Sam: Why?!

Agent Farrow: Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government.

Sam: Oh great!

Freddie: [tries to confort Sam] Stay calm.

Sam: I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!

Agent Farrow: [His machine bleeps] Clear.

Agent Kinsey: Alright, we're done here for now. Please don't leave town until we contact you again.

Carly: Why can't we leave town.

Agent Kinsey: Just don't leave town.

[The 4 of them stand there looking at the agents very shocked]

Carly: Okay. [sounding scared] Thanks for watching iCarly!

[The agents leave the apartment]

[Carly gives Spencer a hug looking really upset, as if she's about to cry.]

Mrs Obama: I'm on iCarly!

iToe Fat Cakes[edit]

Manager: Which of you would like to try a Canadian Fat Cake?

Gibby: Hey, I wouldn't mind-

[Sam kicks Gibby in the stomach and pushes him onto the floor]

Sam: May I?

Police Officer: She called me a dumb waz bag.

Police Officer: What did you plan to do with all these Fat Cakes?

Sam: Send them on a trip down to my stomach, and I think we all know what would have happened to them after that.

Carly: [banging on a metal pole with the shower head] Help! Heelpp! Ausie Stance! Anyone?! Please! A cute boy is gonna be here any minute and I'm all wrinkled like an elderly raisin!! Urgh, this day could not get worse.

Mrs Benson: [walks into Carly's bathroom] Urgh, it's you!

Carly: Mrs Benson!

Mrs Benson: Will you stop banging and screaming? I heard you all the way from my apartment.

Carly: That was the point.

Mrs Benson: Oh, [gasps] You bathe in your sweatshirt too? I thought I was the only one.

Carly: I don't bathe in my sweatshirt, I got my toe stuck in the fauset.

Mrs Benson: How?

Carly: I saw some dumb person do it on the 'Dick Van Dike' show. C'mon, could you please just help me get it out?

Mrs Benson: [under her breath] Alright. I'll give it a yank. [sits down on the bath tub] Ready?

Carly: Okay, just be really careful ok-

Mrs Benson: [yanking on Carly's foot] Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Oww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Owww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Am I hurting you?

Carly: No I love it!!

[Carly's date walks in]

Lance: Hey, everything alright?

Carly: [shocked] Lance!

Lance: Sorry, I heard screaming so I thought I should come up?

Mrs Benson: [holding pepper spray] Put you hands down!

[Lance lowers his hands]

Mrs Benson: Who's the boy?

Carly: My date.

Lance: [to Carly in a quite flirty voice] Hey.

Carly: [trying to act flirty in the bath tub] Heeyy.

Sam: Blah blah blah blaaaaahh.

Spencer: I know you have a crush on me.

Sam: What?!

Spencer: Nothing.

[On a flight to Hong Kong with an airplane landing at Kai Tak Airport]

Announcement: Thank you for flying Air Malaysia. We'll be landing shortly.

Sam: [Inside the backpack] Freddie! Spencer! Gibby! Are we still in Canada???

Season 6[edit]

iApril Fools[edit]

[T-Bo lifts up a sign that says 'Warning']

All: Hello.

[T-Bo puts down the sign]

Carly: You're about to watch a very special episode of iCarly.

Sam: It's, different.

Freddie: It's unusual.

Gibby: It's not for normal people.

T-Bo: You might find it, disturbing.

Spencer: So, just have some soup.

[They all lift up a bowl of soup each.]

Carly: And try to remain calm.

Sam: As you enjoy this special new episode of iCarly.

[All of them eat a spoonful of soup]

Gibby: Gibbaayy.

Spencer: Look, you guys, it's not worth-(Gibby, who is sneaking up from behind, whacks him with a stop sign)

Gibby: APRIL FOOLS, YEAH! Pow! Gotcha. (laughs)

Carly: Gibby?!

Gibby: What's up?

Freddie: You just smashed him over the head with a stop sign!

Gibby: Sure did.

Sam: That's not how April Fools works!

Gibby: Oh. (drops the stop sign, runs up to Spencer, kisses his cheek, and runs out. Spencer looks traumatized, but then puts his arms down and smiles)

Carly: (pulls out her PearPhone) Hey, you know what? (the others all ask her) It's only 8:15, and we don't have to be out of this apartment 'til 10.

Spencer: SO?!?!

Carly: So...why don't we have a little party here?

Freddie: A party?

Sam: You mean with people, and snacks and drinks and a party bush?

Carly: Yeah!

Freddie: Can we invite T-Bo?

Carly: Sure!

Sam: (talks into T-Bo's magic lamp) HEY T-BO! GET OUT HERE, WE'RE HAVING A PARTY! Woo. (puts it back on the shelf. T-Bo is then magically summoned from the lamp)

T-Bo: A party?! ...With a party bush? (the others all agree to it) Hey wait wait. Wh-what's the date today?

Freddie: April 1st.

T-Bo: Uh-huh. (grabs a stop sign and whacks Spencer with it) Shabow! (as he laughs, Carly, Sam and Freddie all look shocked) April Fools!

Spencer: THAT...IS NOT HOW WE CELEBRATE!!!

Freddie: T-Bo...

Carly: Will you just take us to the next scene, please?

T-Bo: Well, all right. (crosses his arms, wobbles his head and the scene cuts to him massaging Sam's shoulders as music plays.)

Sam: Yeah-hah, now this is a party! (everyone cheers, and Sam and Spencer hi-five)

Carly: Except wait. There's no party bush!

Spencer: Yeah.

Freddie: Whoa whoa whoa, I am NOT partying without a party bush.

Carly: It's okay.

Freddie: No! I want a party bush. (Carly is trying to talk over him) I can't have a party without-there's no party without the party bush! I gotta have the party bush. (Carly walks up to him and grabs his arm) If I don't have the-whooo! I feel weird! (starts to slowly fall to the floor) I-I need a party bush. I need a-something-I need a party bush. I need a party bush.

Spencer: Uh, T-Bo...will you blink us a party bush already?

T-Bo: Hold on...i'm blinking. (crosses his arms and wags his head at them. A party bush appears and the others cheer)

Freddie: Okay. Now what do we do?

Carly: Uh, we just hang out and talk about stuff that happened to us in the past.

Spencer: You know, I sure like that web show you kids do, iCarly.

[The three of them thank him]

Sam: Hey Carls, remember why we came up with the idea to do iCarly?

Carly: Yeah. It's cause Ms. Briggs said we-

Sam: Whoa hey! Sshhhh! Let's just, think back on it.

Carly: Riiigghtt.

Spencer: Can we, all think back on it together?

Carly: Yeah sure.

Sam: Um, let's see. Carly and I were at school.

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

[flashback]

Ms. Briggs: Yes, and I imagine you'll even be sorryer after I grade your next exams.

Carly: Uh, Ms. Briggs.

Mrs Briggs: What!

Carly: I typed up a list of all the kids we think should be in the talent show. [hands Ms. Briggs the list]

Ms. Briggs: Snorting milk, pogo-stick hopping? These aren't talents!

Sam: They were the most fun kids to watch.

Ms. Briggs: Goodbye. [begins to walk out]

Carly: Wait! So you're not gonna let any of the kids we picked be in the show?

Ms. Briggs: That's right, girls. [begins to walk out again]

[There's a sudden whirling noise and a bright light, to which Spencer dressed as Ms. Briggs appears in the middle of the school hallway.]

Fake Ms. Briggs: I am the real Ms. Briggs from an alternate universe.

Carly: Woah.

Sam: Holy chiz.

Ms Briggs: You fool. [walks over to the fake Ms. Briggs] If our energies collide, it will cause an explosion of galactic magnatude!

Fake Ms. Briggs: Scared Ms. Briggs?!

Ms. Briggs: I'm not scared of you!

[They both make noises and jump round in a circle before beginning to attack]

Carly: No don't!

Sam: Don't touch each other!

[Both Ms. Briggs touch and they beginning shaking and light appears around them]

Sam: [to everyone] Hit the floor!

[Everyone gets down on the floor, both Ms. Briggs carry on shaking more and more and the eventually blow up]

[Both Carly and Sam get up and walk over to the bright orange mark left on the floor whilst also coughing because of the smoke]

Carly: Wow.

Sam: Yeah.

[School bell rings]

Carly: Hey we should start a web show.

Sam: Okay, what will we call it?

[Freddie runs in]

Freddie: How about "iCarly"?

Carly and Sam: Okay!

Freddie: Yeah!

[A dog randomly in the school hallway barks, and so the three of them turn to it]

Carly: Oh Sparky.

[All three of them laugh]

[They all freeze, then Freddie quickly itches his nose and then freezes again]

[after flashback]

Freddie: Aww, I'd forgotten about old Sparky.

Spencer: Well, he's never far from our hearts.

Carly: Cause his head's always right there on our wall.

[They all look up to at Sparky's head on the wall.]

Sparky: Woof woof, woof woof!

Spencer: Sttaaayyy.

Sparky: Woof!

Spencer: Stay boy.

[Sparky stops barking]

Spencer: Good Sparky!

Carly: Hey, what time is it? (Gibby can be seen sneaking up from behind with a stop sign)

Spencer: (grabs his PearPhone) Looks like it is about... (Gibby smacks him with the sign and laughs)

Gibby: APRIL FOOLS!

Spencer: DUDE!

Sam: Quit whacking Spencer in the head and go get me some fried chicken.

Carly: Sam, how can you eat chickens? Don't you remember little Pouchy?

Sam: Pouchy? Oh wait, yeah, I think I do remember him. From uh, from-

Carly: The past?

Sam;: Riigght, the past. He was one of those six little chicks we saved.

Freddie: Oh I remember that day!

Sam: Um hum.

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

Spencer: [turns to a woman with a harp in the kitchen] Play the harp.

[She plays the harp and Spencer looks up again with the others.

[flashback]

[Sam and Carly walk out of the elevator worried, but then start to hear the baby chick]

Sam and Carly: Ahhh!

[They both run back into the elevator and find Pouchy]

Minko: Ahhhh! You girls are so stupid! [pushes them forward and points to the elevator] There!!! There's Poachy!!! Right there!!! [both girls scream]

Carly: Oh my gosh!

Sam: Poachy!

Carly: No way!

Sam: We found him! [kisses the frame surrounding him]

Carly: Why didn't you tell us he was in here?

Minko: I DID tell you idiots! And nobody better hit me with a stop sign! [Gibby is creeping up on him, and then does just that]

Gibby: [laughs] April Fools! Ha ha.

Carly: Gibby!

Sam: Dude, that's not how you do an April Fools joke!

Carly: And anyway, you're not even supposed to be in this flashback! ...Great. Minko's unconscious. What do we do with him?

Sam: I'll get the shovel.

Gibby: I'll get the marshmallows.

Gibby: Hey, is anyone hungry? Because I was thinking maybe we could make some spaghetti tacos, maybe a little corn-(Minko, who is sneaking up from behind, hits him with a stop sign)

Minko: APRIL FOOLS TO YOU!!!!! iCarly will be back after these messages. (Sam knocks him out with the shock pen)

Carly: You know, even though Spencer and I have to move out of this apartment tonight, forever, I'm still in a great mood.

Freddie: Oh, when aren't you in a good mood?

Sam: I know right [agreeing with Freddie]

Gibby: Really?

Carly: What?! Sometimes I get in bad moods.

[Sam, Freddie and Gibby agree with her sarcastically]

Spencer: No no no, wait wait wait wait wait. In all fairness, sometimes Carly does get in bad moods.

Freddie: Like when?!

Spencer: Uh, like when the time T-Bo made you those stuffed mushrooms.

[The rest apart from Carly agree with him and laugh]

Carly: Oh c'mon, I wasn't that mad.

Sam: You were pretty mad that day-

Carly: -no [disagreeing with Sam]

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

[flashback]

[Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Carly are all reading together]

Sam: I just love reading together.

Spencer: Me too.

Freddie: We all do.

[T-Bo walks in]

T-Bo: Hey hey Carly! I made you stuffed mushrooms.

[Carly stands up and slams her book shut]

Carly: WHO CARES?! [throws book at T-Bo]

[T-Bo falls to the against the door, Sam, Spencer and Freddie turn to Carly in shocked at the same time and Carly breaths in and out quickly and deeply in rage and anger. Scene cuts to the group in Tori Vega's living room]

Carly: Okay. Okay, I was in kind of a bad mood that day.

Gibby (as Robbie): Kind of?

Freddie: You threw a book at T-Bo.

Spencer: Yeah, and just because he made you some stuffed mushroo-[notices the area they are in] Hey. Uh, hey, wha-

Gibby: (notices he is Robbie) Gibbeh?

Sam: (hesitantly and shocked) When I make it shine...!

[the group all stares straight, then at each other, then straight again]

Spencer: Okay, at what point did I have insanely long hair?

Carly: It was around the time Freddie got hit by that taco truck.

Freddie: And Carly and I kissed.

Sam: And you and I were playing that assassin game.

Carly: 12 million viewers?

Spencer: Carly! You gotta come back with me! [gives Carly her backpack]

Carly: Back where?

Spencer: To a future episode.

Carly: But, I'm supposed to do iCarly stuff tonight with Sam and Freddie.

Spencer: Well, bring them along, this concerns them too! [gives Freddie his camera and Sam her remote]

Sam: Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

Carly: What are you talking about?

Freddie: What happens to us in the future, do we become hobknockers or something?

Spencer: No no, you guys all turn out fine. It's your kids.

Carly: What?!

Freddie: Ninos?!

Sam: What kids?!

Carly: Whos kids?!

Spencer: Um, yours [points to Carly] and his? [points to Freddie] Or his [points to Freddie] and hers, [points to Sam] or hers [points to Sam again] and his, [points to Freddie] I don't remember, but something's gotta be done about your kids!

Carly: Well, how do we get to a future episode of iCarly?

[T-Bo flys out of Spencer's room in a bubble]

T-Bo: Y'all can hitch a ride with me.

Spencer: Hurry T-bo! Beam us onboard!

Freddie: And smallify us.

T-Bo: Energising. [beams the others onboard]

Spencer: C'mon T-Bo let's go!

Carly: Wait! In the future, is iCarly still on in reruns?

Spencer: Reruns? Where we're going we don't need... [puts his costume glasses on] Reruns.

T-Bo: Hang on! [starts moving his spaceship bubble]

[Everyone makes whirling noises, then they all scream and cheer as they fly through the screen into the future.]

iGo One Direction[edit]

Spencer: [shouts down the corridor] Carly, c'mon! Carly walks round the corner with all the luggage, groaning. She drops the bags and leans against Freddie's front door, but the door opens and she falls in and screams. She gets up, still groaning and closes the door Spencer: How you doing? Carly: [Throws a hat on the floor] I'm sick and dying! Urgh! Spencer: Maybe I should take you to a doctor. Carly: No. [Starts picking all the bags back up] no, just, open our door so I can just, go in there and be alone. [Spencer opens the front door] Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo are all hanging out in their apartment Spencer: Hey! Heyy!!

They all say hi

Carly: [walks in to find Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo partying in the apartment] What is going on here?

Sam: I'm cooking steaks.

Freddie: Playing video games.

T-Bo: I'm in a kiddie pool!

Gibby: Gibbeh!!!

Spencer: How long, have you guys been hanging out in OUR apartment?

Sam: Uh, how long you guys been on vacation?

Spencer: 8 days.

Sam: 'bout 8 days.

Carly groans and falls to the floor

Freddie: She ok?

Spencer: No, she's like dying.

Sam: Gib, help her up!

Gibby: Kk.

Gibby helps Carly stand up

T-Bo: Man, she looks sicky sick.

Spencer: Yeah, she's got jungle worms.

Gibby: [drops Carly] Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! [runs out of the apartment]

Freddie: What are jungle worms?

Sam: They're like these scuzzy little parasites that set up camp in your guts.

Spencer helps Carly onto the couch whilst she continues groaning

Spencer: How d'you know about jungle worms?

Sam: My mom got them from using some foreign guy's toothbrush.

Freddie: So, what are the symptoms?

Spencer: Uhh, dry mouth..

Carly: I'm so thirsty.

Spencer: ..chills..

Carly: Can someone cover me with a blanket?

Spencer: ..moaning..

Carly: [moans]

Spencer: ..groaning..

Carly: [groans]

Spencer: ..and a lot of, you know..

[Carly runs into the bathroom and throws up] Spencer: miting. Sam: Poor kid. Spencer: Yeah. Freddie: One of us should probably get in there and help her. [pats Spencer on the back for him to go Sam: Hey these steaks are ready. They all go over to Sam for some steak leaving Carly in the bathroom alone

Freddie: Can he stand? Louis: Here lets try. Louis, Zayn and Niall try helping Harry stand up but he groan and falls back onto the chair. Liam: Wow he's really sick. Freddie: What do you think's wrong with him? Harry: I feel cold. And thirsty. Can sombody hold me? Louis, Zayn and Niall: No. Louis: Here have some more of this water. Louis picks Carly's bottle up from the floor and hands it to Harry. Carly steps foward and takes the bottle off Harry. Carly: Harry, you drank from my water bottle? Harry: Yeah. Carly: Oh, my god. I gave Harry Styles jungle worms! Gibby: NOOO!

Freddie: I know what might motivate Harry to get out of bed and back on stage. Sam: ou think I should work him over with the butter sock? Carly: You know, I really, really, don't. Zayn: Did she say butter sock? Liam: Is that a sock...? Louis: ...Full of butt-ah? Freddie: Do you guys want to hear my idea? Carly: Yes! Niall: Does it involve the butter sock...? Freddie: No! I just thought Harry might suddenly feel better if he thought he was going to be replaced in One Direction. Sam: Whoa wait replace Harry? Freddie: Not for real we just mae him think he's going to be replaced. Louis: Who with?

iOpen a Restaurant[edit]

Carly: What have you done?

Carly: Sam's your partner?

Gibby: She makes a rocking hot meat sandwich.

Sam: The secret is hot meat.

Gibby: I have opened, Giibbbbaaayyy's!

(Carly, Freddie, and Spencer are hiding from Spencer's alarm robot)

Carly: We've got to get back to school!

Freddie: We have a history test!

Carly: Can't you turn your stupid alarm bot off?

Spencer: I am trying to disarm it!

Alarm Bot: (Spencer pushes a button on his remote) Armed. (He pushes it again) Armed. (He pushes it again) Armed.

Spencer: Gah, I can't turn it off! Maybe we can-

(the doorbell rings)

Freddie: Wait! That was just the doorbell, right?

Carly: Or does that mean your stupid killing machine's about to explode?

Spencer: It was just the doorbell.

Mrs. Benson: (from the other side of the door) Hello? What's happening in there?

Freddie: It's my mom! If she opens the door, she's gonna get blasted!

Spencer: (yelling) Mrs. Benson, don't open the door! I'm not wearing pants!

Mrs.Benson: Oh, my gosh!

Alarm Bot: Scanning pants...

Carly: Wait!

Freddie: What?

Carly: If your mom opens the door then that crazy killing machine's gonna focus on her, and then Spencer can run over and unplug it!

Spencer: Oh, that's good!

Freddie: No! I don't want my mom to get blasted in the face and torso with popcorn kernels!

Carly: Oh, why not?

Spencer: She's so irritating! It'll just be for a second 'til I unplug it.

Freddie: (sighs) Alright, fine! Do it!

Spencer: (yelling) Okay, Mrs. Benson, I found my pants! C'mon in!

(Mrs. Benson opens the door and walks into the apartment)

Mrs. Benson: What is going on in here?

Alarm Bot: (focuses on Mrs. Benson) Tracking intruder.

Mrs. Benson: I do not apperciate all of the noise that's been coming from... AAH!

(the Alarm Bot starts shooting Mrs. Benson with popcorn kernels. She is backed up against her door in the hallway)

Freddie: (to Spencer) GO!

Carly: Go unplug it!

Spencer: Yeah, I'll go!

(Spencer runs over to the outlit where the Alarm Bot is plugged in to. He starts pulling at the plug, but it dosen't come out. Mrs. Benson shouts as the Alarm Bot countinues to pelt her with popcorn kernels)

Freddie: Hurry up!

Carly: Unplug it!

Spencer: I AM TRYING! (Spencer pulls the outlit out of the wall, still not unplugging the Alarm Bot) Oh, my gosh!

Freddie: Dude!

Carly: What?!

(Spencer still struggles with unplugging the Alarm Bot. Mrs. Benson keeps shouting as the Alarm Bot countinues to pelt her)

Freddie: Get it out!

Mrs. Benson: What's happening?! What am I being pelted with?!

(the Alarm Bot is begining to run out of popcorn kernels. Spencer is still trying to unplug it)

Freddie: What are you doing?

Carly: Come on!

(the Alarm Bot fires at Mrs. Benson a few more times before finally running out of popcorn kernels and stopping)

Alarm Bot: Empty.

Spencer: (finally pulls the plug out of the outlet) GOT IT! (raises his arms victoriously in the air) YEAH!

iHalfoween[edit]

Sam: [In a deep voice] Luke, I am your father.

Carly: [In a deep voice] Don't play around!

Sam: [In a deep voice] Why you so UPTIGHT?

[A little boy looks at Sam weirdly after hearing her deep voice]

Sam: [In a deep voice] Don't be afraid. I just wanna eat you.

[The little boy screams and runs away]

[Gibby takes off the purple robot head from Freddie]

Freddie: This is the WORST party ever.

Spencer: Dude, I am so sorry. I didn't--

Freddie: TWENTY TIMES?! You had to slam me twenty times?!

Spencer: [Gives Freddie a pink stuffed unicorn] Here.

[Freddie hits Spencer with pink stuffed unicorn]

Carly: Why?!

Nevel: 'Cause! You iCarlys were supposed to help me regain my popularity after the bread and butter pickle incident with that little girl, and you failed!

Sam: No, we didn't fail!

Carly: We did help you!

Sam: It's not our fault that afterwards you went and screamed at some dude in a wheelchair!

Nevel: He rolled over my foot and scratched my loafers!

iPear Store[edit]

Carly: So, I was thinking to close the show, instead of random dancing...

Sam: Yeah.

Carly: ...we can try random scratching, and then maybe Freddie could-

Spencer: Hey! Ohhh, done! Whoo!

[Sam and Carly just look at Spencer without saying anything]

Spencer: I say, it's done! Woooooo!

[Sam and Carly still don't say anything]

Spencer: C'mon, ask me about it!

Sam: We can see, you made a snowman!

Spencer: Uhhh, it's a snowwoman, duh. Can't you see her snowbahoobies? That's how you know that it's a- [a snowboob falls off] Dang it! Ah, I can fix that, wait. Urgh!

[Elevator opens and Gibby comes out of it]

Gibby: Hey hey, guess what. I started using deodorant.

[Everyone looks at him oddly]

Gibby: But I can't decide which scent I like best, so under my right arm I used Ocean Breeze...

[Sam quickly gets out of her chair away from Gibby]

Gibby: ...and under my left I used Summer Swagger. Carly, c'mon. Which one smells best?..

Carly: Gibby, no no, Gibby no... [tries to get Gibby to stop him from making her smell his underarms]

[Gibby forces Carly's head under his underarm]

Gibby: Alright, that's the Ocean Breeze.

[Carly keeps trying to escape]

Sam: I'd stop this if it wasn't hilarious.

[Carly is finally free]

Gibby: Now smell the left, let's go.

[Carly is forced under his other pit and keeps trying to escape again]

Gibby: Okay, that's the Summer Swagger. Breathe it in deep.

[Carly's free again]

Gibby: So which one you like best?

Carly: Probably the Ocean Breeze.

Gibby: I knew it!

Carly: Chief Donker, we really appreciate you coming here. Again.

Chief Donker: Thanks. You're a nice girl. I'll miss you.

Carly: Yeah, well-wait. What do you mean you'll miss me?

Chief Donker: I mean, the fire department is done with you people!

Spencer: (tries to get up) Done? I don't understan-

Chief Donker: GET BACK DOWN! (he does)

Carly: Can you help me? No one else is available.

Trey: Sure.

Carly: Awesome.

Carly: So. [Lightly turns his head towards her] Sooo. [Trying to be flirty]

Trey: Yeah?

Carly: What'cha doing tomorrow night?

Trey: There's a Doctor Who marathon on TV.

Carly: And?

Trey: I'm gonna watch it?

Carly: Oh. Well, I wouldn't mind watching a little Doctor Foo.

Trey: Who.

Carly: Me.

Trey: No, Doctor Who.

Carly: I dunno, you brought it up.

Trey: I'm confused.

Carly: Well, maybe that's cuz you don't have a girlfriend. [Does weird hand movements]

Carly: [Goes up to Freddie] Dude, hey.

Freddie: What's up?

Carly: I have been talking to that nerdy, cute salesboy for 20 minutes and he has no clue that I am flirting with him; and I've been flirting my butt off.

Freddie: What do you want me to do about it?

Carly: You're a nerd, give me advice.

Freddie: I will not help you flirt with some- [Notices Sam in her new uniform] Ahh. [Shocked] What is?!-

Sam: Momma got a job.

[Freddie looks at her in shock]

Carly: So, see anything wrong with it?

Trey: I'm not sure yet.

Carly: Kay, well keep checking. I really need that laptop fixed. Specially since I have no boyfriend. And nothing to do tomorrow night. [puts on lipgloss]

Trey: Hey.

Carly: Yeah?!

Trey: Did you get the extended warranty?

Carly: I don't know!

Carly: Okay, listen.

Trey: What's up?

Carly: I think you're cute and you're obviously smart and you seem harmless, so I'd like to hang out with you, unless you think I'm disgusting or something.

Trey: Oh no, I didn't realize. Look I'm just, really shy with girls.

Carly: Maybe we can fix that, aye? Aye?

Trey: Huh?

Carly: Just come over to my place tomorrow night. We'll watch your Doctor Foo show or Battle Star Ceneticat, whatever you want.

Trey: Okay.

Carly: Thank you.

Freddie: Sam's my boss now?!

Natalie: Yep.

Sam: Back to work, Fredbag.

Freddie: No. This is wrong! I am a computer expert! I know SO MUCH!

Sam: We sorta dated for a while.

Freddie: She? She is LAZY, and a CRIMINAL, and a nuisance, and she has TERRIBLE table manners!

Sam: He's still in love with me. It's kinda sad.

Freddie: And if you think that she is a good employee who deserves to be MY BOSS, then YOU my friend are a TERRIBLE MANAGER and you don't deserve to have me work here!

Natalie: Okay, you're fired.

Freddie: But- how-- Fine. I'll leave. But I am keeping this Pear store shirt.

Natalie: Kevin, get the shirt.

Freddie: Kevin, come on, you're my friend.... Kevin! Kevin, I shared my sandwich with you one time! Kevin! ...This isn't over!

Natalie: Why? What's left?

Freddie: ...Nothing, it's over. [walks off]

Sam: [runs after him] Dude! ...Don't you think you were a little rough on him?

Natalie: ...Nah, who cares.

Sam: Yeah. ...I'll be right back.

Natalie: I'll never see you again, will I?

Sam: Nope.

Season 7[edit]

iGoodbye[edit]

(Last lines of the series)

Freddie: ...And...we're clear.

References[edit]

↑ http://danwarp.blogspot.com/2010/02/new-longer-un-cut-version-of-isaved.html

Wikipedia has an article about:

ICarly

[1] ttp://danwarp.blogspot.com/2010/02/new-longer-un-cut-version-of-isaved.html

[1]

iCarly

Contents

Season 1[edit]

iPilot[edit]

iWant More Viewers[edit]

iDream of Dance[edit]

iLike Jake[edit]

iWanna Stay With Spencer[edit]

iNevel[edit]

iScream on Halloween[edit]

iSpy a Mean Teacher[edit]

iWill Date Freddie[edit]

iWant a World Record[edit]

iRue the Day[edit]

iPromise Not To Tell[edit]

iAm Your Biggest Fan[edit]

iHeart Art[edit]

iHate Sam's Boyfriend[edit]

iHatch Chicks[edit]

iDon't Want To Fight[edit]

iPromote Techfoots[edit]

iGot Detention[edit]

iStakeout[edit]

iMight Switch Schools[edit]

iFence[edit]

iCarly Saves TV[edit]

iWin a Date[edit]

iHave a Lovesick Teacher[edit]

Season 2[edit]

iSaw Him First[edit]

iStage an Intervention[edit]

iOwe You[edit]

iHurt Lewbert[edit]

iPie[edit]

iChristmas[edit]

iKiss[edit]

iGive Away a Car[edit]

iRocked the Vote[edit]

iMeet Fred[edit]

iLook Alike[edit]

iWant My Website Back[edit]

iMake Sam Girlier[edit]

iGo Nuclear[edit]

iDate a Bad Boy[edit]

iReunite with Missy[edit]

iTake On Dingo[edit]

iMust Have Locker 239[edit]

iTwins[edit]

iFight Shelby Marx[edit]

Season 3[edit]

iThink They Kissed[edit]

iCook[edit]

iSpeed Date[edit]

iCarly Awards[edit]

iHave My Principals[edit]

iFind Lewbert's Lost Love[edit]

iMove Out[edit]

iQuit iCarly[edit]

iSaved Your Life[edit]

iSaved Your Life (Uncut)[edit]

iWas a Pageant Girl[edit]

iEnrage Gibby[edit]

iSpace Out[edit]

iFix a Popstar[edit]

iBloop[edit]

iWon't Cancel The Show[edit]

iBelieve in Bigfoot[edit]

iPsycho[edit]

iBeat the Heat[edit]

Season 4[edit]

iGot a Hot Room[edit]

iSam's Mom[edit]

iGet Pranky[edit]

iSell Penny Tees[edit]

iDo[edit]

iStart a Fan War[edit]

iHire an Idiot[edit]

iPity the Nevel[edit]

iOMG[edit]

iParty with Victorious[edit]