ICarly (season 5)

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iCarly is an American teen sitcom that ran on Nickelodeon. It focuses on teenager Carly Shay, who creates her own web show called "iCarly" with her best friends Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson.

iLost My Mind

[Spencer struggles to get a pair of jeans on]

[Carly comes home from school]

Spencer: Hey.

Carly: Have you heard from Sam?

Spencer: No, She skipped school again?!

Carly: Yes, 3 days in a row! No one's heard from her, she won't answer her phone or-

[Spencer is still having difficulties getting on the jeans]

Carly: What's happening here?!

Spencer: Me getting fat, look! I can barely get these jeans past my butt slabs!

Carly: Those are my jeans.

Spencer: Well, I, ugh... [Carly is looking at him with a 'what's your excuse?' face] Yeah I know.

Carly: I'm really worried about Sam.

Spencer: So call her mom.

Carly: I can't! She's in Tijuana having laser hair removal.

Spencer: From what part of her body?

Carly: I didn't wanna know! How are we gonna find Sam?

Spencer: Could you just talk to Freddie 'bout it?

Carly: No! I will not talk to Freddie about it until he admits to me that they kissed.

Spencer: These pants are squeezing me in ways you can't understand.

Carly: Why won't Freddie just tell me that he and Sam kissed-?

[Freddie walks in confused]

Spencer: These are Carly's pants ok? Mistakes were made.

Freddie: Maybe you should take them off?

Spencer: Good call. [turns to Carly] Where's the olive oil?

Carly: In the bathroom where you left it.

Spencer: Yep. [makes his way to the bathroom pulling up the pants and making funny noises]

Freddie: I'm really getting worried about Sam. I mean, it's been three days since-

Carly: Since you two kissed?

Freddie: [shocked]

Carly: Yeah! I know! I saw it with both my eyes! [walks over to her backpack] You guys were talking and... she kissed you and you didn't stop her, why- why didn't you tell me?

Freddie: Well I- [interrupted by Carly]

Carly: You should've told me! Do you like her? Is this- is this a new chapter in our lives? What is goin' on?

Freddie: [trying to change the subject] ...Do you have any fruit?

Carly: [not falling for it] I don't know! If we do, you can have it! You know why? 'Cause I don't keep things from you!

Freddie: I didn't tell you cause, even I don't know what it means, she, just, kissed me.

Carly: So where is she now?

Freddie: I dunno! I've called her, I've texted- [stops mid sentence and comes up with an idea]

Carly: What? That's your idea face. What's your idea?!

Freddie: Come here. [moves towards the computer]

Carly: What's going on?

Freddie: You can track the location of a pear phone if you know the user's password. Do you know Sam's password?

Carly: Yes.

Freddie: Well good, tell me.

Carly: I can't say it outloud; it's icky.

Freddie: [passes Carly the keyboard] Fine I won't look, you type it in. [turns away from the computer screen]

Carly: K. [types in Sam's password] Ewww.

Freddie: [turns back around] Okay, let's find her phone. Locating, tracking, annnddd...

Carly: Where is she?!

Freddie: I have to click the items.

Carly: Well do it!

Freddie: K! Okay, she's...

[Both Freddie and Carly lean away from the computer screen in shock]

Carly: Troubled Waters Mental Hospital?!

Freddie: Mental hospital?!

[Gibby walks in through the front door]

Gibby: Gibbbaaayyy!

[Freddie and Carly turn around to face Gibby]

Gibby: S'up people?

Carly: We're going to a mental hospital.

Gibby: Yes!

[Freddie, Carly and Gibby walk into the mental hospital]

Nurse: Hi, welcome to Troubled Waters, how may I help you?

Carly: 'Umm, we're here to see Sam Puckett?

Nurse: Oh I'm sorry, Miss Puckett isn't excepting visitors.

[Caleb pokes his head out of the janitors closet]

Freddie: Listen, we're like, really close friend's with Sam.

Carly: Could we please just talk to her for a minute?

Nurse: Just for a minute?

Carly: Promise.

Nurse: No.

[Caleb walks over to Gibby]

Caleb: Please get me some barilium nitrate and four metric tons of ionized quadrazine.

Gibby: Sorry, I don't roll that way.

[Caleb walks off]

[Freddie and Carly pull Gibby over to one side]

Freddie: Distract the nurse so we can go find Sam.

Carly: Think you can do that?

Gibby: Umm.. Gibbay.

Freddie: Go.

Carly: Good.

[Caleb walks up behind Freddie and Carly]

Caleb: You can kick me anywhere below the waist and I won't feel it.

Freddie: [slightly disturbed and confused] Why not?

Caleb: My pants, are made of neutronium cotton. You don't believe me? Kick my thighs. [slaps his own thigh] Kick 'em hard.

Carly: Um..

Freddie: We, uhh...

Carly: We don't, want to.

Caleb: Liar!

[Caleb walks off and Freddie and Carly are left very confused]

Gibby; Gibbbaaayyyy!! [Gibby jumps over the front desk]

[Freddie and Carly take a step back in shock]

Nurse: Oh my goodness, are you alrig- Argghhhh!!

Freddie: Okay, I'll go this way.

Carly: No no, you go that way.

[Carly and Freddie push each other in speed and panic]

Freddie: Oh fine, just, go go go!

Carly: Go!

Carly: Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this-

[Sam looks up from her painting]

Carly: Sam!

Sam: Hello Carly. What do you want.

Carly: To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?

Sam: Finger painting. [shows Carly her painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised] What do you think?

Carly: It's a beautiful finger.

Sam: Thanks.

Carly: Now who put you in here?!

Sam: [sighs and puts her painting out of the way] I put myself in here.

Carly: What?! Why?!

Sam: Because my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! [mutters and moves closer to Carly] Do you know?

Carly: What? That you kissed Freddie?

Sam: Urgh! [steps back and puts her hand over her ears] Shut up!

Carly: I think it's awesome! I think it's great!

Sam: Noooo, no no no no no no no no no... [carries on shouting 'no' whilst Carly is speaking]

Carly: There's nothing wrong with it.. Sam, stop it!

Sam: Accept it Carls, I've lost my mind.

Carly: What? You think just cause you like Freddie-

Sam: Urghh, don't say it outloud! [throws herself on her bed]

Carly: It's alright to say it outloud.

Sam: [puts her pillow over her head] No it's not!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie!!

Sam: Carly!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie!

Sam: Quit it.. Carly!

Carly: Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves-! [Sam catches her and covers her mouth]

[Freddie walks in a little confused]

Freddie: There you guys are.

Sam: You get out!

[Carly tries to get free]

Sam: Licking my hand won't make me let go.

Freddie: Sam c'mon, just... [Freddie helps Carly free]

Carly: Ewww! Why's your hand taste like peanuts and mud?

Sam: Cause yesterday I was outside playing in the mud eating peanuts.

Carly: I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, and you too, talk.

[Carly leaves and Sam and Freddie just stand still not knowing what to say]

Carly: I don't hear talking!

Sam: Why'd you come here?

Freddie: To find out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.

Sam: You wanna know why?

Freddie: Kinda!

Sam: Because I hate you.

Freddie: Then why'd you kiss me?

Sam: Because I-! ...I like you.

Freddie: So you hate me, and you like me?

Sam: Now you see why I need to be in here?!

Security Guard: What's going on?!

Nurse: That patient's trying to escape.

Sam: Urgh, I'm not trying to escape!

Carly: She checked herself in here!

Sam: And now I'm checking myself out. Now go get my bag or no tip.

Security Guard: You're under 18 years of age. You can't leave here without permission from a parent.

Sam: Dude! My mom's in Teowana having laser hair removal!

Security Guard: Where's your father?

Sam: You tell me!

Carly: Look sir, you gotta let her leave, we're doing iCarly tomorrow night.

Security Guard: i What?

Freddie: It's a popular web show.

Security Guard: Can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.

Sam: It's not for old people.

Security Guard: Look! She stays, [drags Sam over to some doctors who try and take her back to her room] you people, leave.

[Freddie and Carly get dragged out by security guards]

Freddie: Are you kidding me?!

Carly: Hey paws off! I'm the future vice president of the United States!

Sam: Heydeo!

Carly: People call me Carly!

Sam: [in a really deep and low voice] People call me smooth and refreshing.

Carly: And this be..

Carly and Sam: iCarly!!

Sam: Now crank that whistle!

[Patients woop and cheer]

Carly: Hey Sam!

Sam: Uh, yeeesss!

Carly: This isn't the iCarly studio! [pretending to be surprised]

Sam: Well it sure isn't Carls, because tonight..

Carly: We come to you live from Troubled Waters..

Carly and Sam: Mental Institution!

Caleb: [while the gang is doing iCarly] Warning! In the year 2029, aliens capture Ryan Seacrest!

Sam: Now tonight on iCarly, Gibby's gonna sit in some sushi, and he will try to identify what kind of fish it is.

Gibby: Fingers crossed for salmon.

Carly: Um, actually we're gonna do something else first.

Gibby: K, then I'm going back to the men's room. [walks off undoing his belt]

Sam: Um, what do you mean we're doing something else first?

Carly: Okay! So you people wanna see Sam and Freddie get together?

Freddie: Carly, I don't think that it'd be-

Carly: Sshhhh!

[Freddie stops talking]

Carly: Now Sam thinks it's insane for her to like Freddie.

Sam: Cause it is.

Carly: But we wanna hear from you.

Caleb: Four years from now, Viginia, and West Viginia, will merge, to form one huge Viginia!

Carly: Settle down Viginia. Now we wanna hear from you, the fans of iCarly. So if you think Sam's insane for liking Freddie, or not, just video chat us right now here at iCarly.com!

Sam: Dude-

Carly: Here's... Wavy Becca.

Wavy Becca: Hey iCarly!

Carly: Hi!

Sam and Freddie: Hey.

Wavy Becca: I think Sam and Freddie would make an awesome couple.

Carly: So to clarify, you don't think Sam's insane for liking Freddie?

Wavy Becca: No way! Freddie's hot.

Carly: Yeah, let's not get carried away. Okay next up, we have.. Goopy Gilbert. Hey Goopy Gilbert! What do you think about Sam and Freddie-

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie! Seddie!!

Carly: So you think Sam and Freddie should be together?

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie!!

Carly: Thank you!!

Sam: Okay, I don't care how many iCarly fans say I'm not insane for liking Freddie. I know I'm-

Freddie: Waaiitt, wait wait wait wait. Let's take one more chat.

Sam: No I don't wanna-

Freddie: Just one more.

Sam: Urghh.

Freddie: [hands Carly the camera] Hold this.

Carly: You be nice.

Freddie: Just.. [Freddie turns on his pear pad and starts messing around with his laptop a little bit, then turns towards Sam and starts speaking into the pear pad] Hey, it's Freddie. So, uh, a lot of people have been talking about whether Sam and I should, you know, go out with each other. And everyone's wondering If Sam is crazy for wanting to, but nobody asked me how I feel.

Sam: We talked about it.

Freddie: No, you talked. You told me how you feel, while you ate a quasadia.

Sam: The quasaida's here are amazing.

Carly: Sshhh!

Freddie: Anyway, yeah, it's important how Sam feels but how I feel is important to.

Sam: Okay, Benson, we get it. You wanna humiliate me, on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead and just do it, I don't care. Get back at me for all the mean things I've s-

Freddie: [interrupts Sam by kissing her LIVE on iCarly]

Sam: You mean that?

Freddie: Mmhm. So I guess we're both insane.

Sam: So now what?

Goopy Gilbert: SEDDIE!!!

Goopy Gilbert's Mom: Gilbert, dinner time!

Goopy Gilbert: SPAGHETTI!!!

Carly: And goodnight!

iDate Sam & Freddie

Freddie: Ok, I wanna know,

Sam: Whatcha wanna know?

Freddie: When you first started to like me.

Sam: Okay, (sighs). Remember the time I pushed you in front of that bike messenger and he knocked you down and your head hit that fire hydrant?

Freddie: Yes,

Sam: Well afterwards, when you were laying there, moaning, blood coming out your ear,

Freddie: Yeah,

Sam: I don't know, you looked, kinda cute.

Freddie: Aww, then it was worth the hearing loss.

Sam: I can't believe you're being so cheap!

Freddie: I can't believe you're being so pushy!

T-bo: I can't believe I still don't have my 36 dollars!

Sam: [turns to Freddie] This is not how boyfriends behave!

Freddie: Uh, yes it is!

Sam: Ok, let's go ask Carly what she thinks!

Freddie: Let's do it! [they both get up and leave the Groovie Smoothie]

T-Bo: Wait, Wait! What about my 36 dollars?

[Carly is spray painting a plastic butt]

Spencer: Hey Carly! I brought you some- [pauses and looks at what Carly is doing] What'ya doing?

Carly: [sounding tired and stressed] Spray painting this butt blue.

Spencer: Any reason?

Carly: It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.

Spencer: [sounding excited] A blue butt bit?!

Carly: [sounding annoyed] Yes, a blue butt bit!

Spencer: Ah! I brought you some corn juice. [shows Carly the glass of juice]

[Carly shrugs her shoulders looking confused and still a bit annoyed and stressed]

Spencer: See, I was just, hanging on my lawn, shacking some corn, and I thought to myself, "How come no one's ever thought to juice corn?" So I grab a juicer and-

Carly: [starts to yell at Spencer] MAYBE NOBODY HAS EVER THOUGHT TO JUICE CORN BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE BRAINS THAT FUNCTION NORMALLY! [Throws her spray painter on the table in anger]

Spencer: Uhh.. [sounding really upset]

Carly: Oh.

Spencer: Wh-

Carly: [starting to feel bad for yelling at him] Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! No, here, give me the cup..

[Spencer starts crying]

Carly: Come here, come here.. [gives Spencer a hug] No, I know, you didn't do anything wrong!

[Spencer grabs Carly's hair and uses it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose]

Carly: I'm just.. Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like ten times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just... I'm under a lot of stress!

Spencer: Okay. [blows his nose on his towel] But if Sam and Freddie keep getting on your nerves, then, why do you keep helping them?

Carly: Cause they're my friends, and... they're in this new relationship, and I.. I want them to be happy. [takes a sip of the corn juice and spits it back into the cup] Corn juice is awful!

Spencer: Isn't it?!

[Gibby comes out of the elevator and Spencer walks off]

Gibby: Gibbaaayyy!

Carly: Hey Gibby, you wanna help me with-

Gibby: Shut up a sec!

Carly: [confused]What?

Gibby: After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet, I think he's got an anxious bladder.

Carly: Why me?!

Gibby: He's your dog too!

Carly: No, he's not! I never wanted a dog!

[Gibby starts crying]

Carly: I'm sorry! Come here! [gives Gibby a hug] Oh my god I'm a monster. You want some corn juice?

Gibby: Yes please.

Freddie: [looks to Carly] Carly, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with their mouth full of lasagna?

Sam: [looks to Carly and scoffs] Is it wrong for a person to pick on every little thing I do?

Carly: [frustrated as she slams her fork down and, gets up] Yes. And yes! You both should be furious with each other! [walks over to their table and pushes Sam over hard] Furious!

Freddie: Well, I wouldn't say I'm furious.

Carly: Well, you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch a girl go: [mocking Sam's table manners] "Bleh! I'm Sam Puckett! Bleh! Wa-wa-wa."

Sam: [looks offended]

Freddie: ...Ew.

Carly: [to Sam] And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go: [mocking Freddie nitpicking at Sam] "Bleh! You're using too much Parmesan! Bleh! Don't chew with your mouth open! Bleh!" Seriously! Why don't you two just pick up your forks, and use them to jab each other in the eyes?! [slams fork down on the table].

Gibby: Carly? I'm coming in, I got a friend. [holds up a puppy]

Carly: Awwww, a puppy?

Gibby: Yeah, isn't he cute?

Carly: Yeah, he's really cute! [strokes the puppy]

Gibby: You hear that little guy? Mommy loves you!

Carly: Uh, uh, why did you call me his mommy?

Gibby: Well you know, Sam and Freddie are always hanging out together now,

Carly: Yeahh...

Gibby: And that means you and I are going to have more time, just the two of us!

Carly: Yeaahhh...

Gibby: So I figured sharing a dog would give us something to talk about!

Carly: No.

Carly: I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to have a fight so I can settle it?

Sam: Pretty much.

Freddie: We'd really appreciate that.

Carly: Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.

Spencer: Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.

Carly: What about that moon?

Spencer: Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.

Carly: Wow.

Spencer: Yeah. Had to use a bunch of big long screws, and a steel cable to stur—

[The moon on the ceiling falls on Spencer and Carly.]

Spencer and Carly: (Groan)

Spencer: Hi, I made a lawn!

Gibby: That is a lawn.

Carly: See, this is why I don't like to leave the house. What do we do with it? [pokes Spencer in the stomach]

Spencer: Whatever we wanna do!

Gibby: The possibilities are limitless!

Spencer: We can play on it, we can sit on it and listen to music, we can have a barbecue on it-

Gibby: We can play badminton.

Spencer: You play badminton?

Gibby: Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock!

Spencer: Sweet! [high fives Gibby] Oh! And at night, we can just lay on the grass and, stare up at the stars.

Gibby: Yeeeaaahhhh.

[Spencer and Gibby look up]

Carly: Okay. [walks over to the kitchen]

Gibby: Man, wait 'till Sam and Freddie see this. I bet they love lawns.

Spencer: Where are they?

Gibby: Probably making out.

Spencer: Eewwwwww!

Carly: Why ewww?

Spencer: I don't like couples that are all public with their.. [makes kissing noises, trying to make fun of Sam and Freddie kissing]

Carly: Oh c'mon! Sam and Freddie have spent years practically hating each other, I think it's kinda nice to see them being all... [makes kissing noises]

Spencer: No no, it's more like... [makes more kissing noises]

[Carly and Spencer carry on making kissing noises making fun of Sam and Freddie]

Gibby: Haha. Look at this lawn. This is one sweet patch. [starts stroking the grass]

Sencer: You know that's Kentucky Chuck grass.

Gibby: Seriously?!

[Sam walks in quite angry]

Sam: Unbelievable!

Spencer: You don't live here.

Freddie: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

Sam: Fine, then talk.

Freddie: Okay, look, it's not that i didn't appre-

Sam: (groans and walks away)

Freddie: You walked away again!

Spencer: Look at my lawn.

Carly: What are you guys fighting about?

Sam: Nothin'.

Freddie: Mr. Fracs gave me a B on my world history paper and I was mad because I thought I deserved an A.

Sam: That's right, you told me you were mad at Fracs.

Freddie: That didn't mean I wanted revenge!

Sam: If he's gonna give you B's, why shouldn't I give him bees?

Carly: Wait, what'd you do?

Sam: I filled his car with bees.

Freddie: I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

Sam: Come on baby, you wrote a good paper.

Freddie: I know, but you can't just go around-

Carly: Alright, listen. Sam, Freddie should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital.

Sam: I guess.

Carly: And Freddie, even though it's a little extreme, to violate a man with bees, you should a least appreciate that Sam did it because she cares about you.

Freddie: (Sighs) Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Sam: (Puts her arms out towards him) Give mama some sugar.

Freddie: Okay. [they kiss and hug]

Carly: Awww.

Spencer and Gibby: Awww.

Carly : (to Freddie) Freddie, it's not nice to make fun of someone's cheese habits. (to Sam) Sam, that is an insane amount of cheese. It's embarrassing.

Paul: [walks up next to Carly] I'm also a photographer.

Carly: This close to callin' the cops! [Guy walks away]

Carly: [Grabs Sam and Freddie's plates after dramatically walking away] I deserve this lasagna. [Glares and walks away again]

Carly: Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves? You know, like, just the two of you?

Sam: Nah, everytime we're alone for an hour, we fight about something.

Freddie: So, we want you to come with us, 'cause you always come up with smart ways for us to compromise.

Sam: And anyway, have you ever had the lasagna at Pini's?

Carly: No, is it good?

Freddie: Good? [walks to his cart]

Sam: Uh, it is so good that when I die, please bury me naked in a bathtub full of Pini's lasagna!

Spencer: AHHWHH! OH MY GOD! [comes into the kitchen from the back door, covered in smoke and ash]

Carly: ...What happened to you?

Spencer: You guys... realize how flammable gasoline is? It's really flammable!

iCan't Take It

Carly: So, things are going good with you and Freddie?

Sam: Yeah, way better. Only 3 fights this week.

Carly: And you haven't hit him?

Sam: Not in the face...

Carly: [smiles] Aww, that's sweet.

Freddie: [knocks on Carly's bedroom door; comes in holding his blue laptop] So, guess a-who just finished editing iCarly's next fake movie trailer?

Carly: The same guy a-who edits all of iCarly's fake movie trailers?

Freddie: [smiles proudly] Yes... [to Sam] Hey, cuteness.

Sam: Lips please. [Freddie leans down, gently lifts Sam's chin with his fingers and kisses her for 3 seconds]

Carly: [shocked in a good way] How did this happen?? You guys have a relationship, and I have a magnetic fish! [holds up the fishing rod she's been holding with a magnetic fish at the end]

Mrs. Benson: [comes into the Shay's apartment holding a silver bar] Freddie!

Gibby: Wow, Freddie! Your mom's here!

Mrs. Benson: [puts the silver bar on the counter]

Freddie: [looks at her; confused] What's that?

Mrs. Benson: 100 ounces of pure palladium.

Gibby: Wow! So a bar like that must be quite valuable!

Mrs. Benson: Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.

Spencer: [raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]

Freddie: [holding the bar; surprised] Whoa, whose is this?

Mrs. Benson: Yours...

Freddie: Why would you give me something worth this much money?

Mrs. Benson: So you'll do something for me in return!

Gibby: That seems fair!

Freddie: What do you want me to do?

Mrs. Benson: [loudly] Stop dating Sam!

Freddie: [gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked] How'd you know?

Gibby: Yes, how did you know?

Mrs. Benson: It doesn't matter! [to Freddie] If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Puckett to find some other boy to ruin!

Freddie: You can't bribe me to break up with Sam!

Mrs. Benson: But, Freddie!

Freddie: [furious] No chance!

Mrs. Benson: [screams and rips a piece of her shirt; takes the palladium back from Freddie and runs back into her apartment].

Freddie: [mouthing] Wow... [sits back down]

Carly: [annoyed and angry] I'm going to kill Sam and Freddie! [to Gibby] Are you sure they haven't texted you?

Gibby: [to Carly] Look, I'm just having some juice.

Carly: [frustrated] Well, fan-bat-tastic! iCarly starts in thirty seconds, and I'm here, alone!

Gibby: I'll try not to take that the wrong way.

Carly: [to Gibby] Alright, we're starting iCarly. You and me. Get up!

Gibby: [excitedly] Really?

Carly: In 5, 4, 3, 2.. [as she sets up the tech stuff] I'm Carly! [looks to Gibby]

Gibby: [stands there and smiles as he says nothing]

Carly: [keeps glancing at Gibby to say something]

Gibby: [to Carly] My turn?

Carly: [disappointed] And this has been iCarly. [turns off the web cast]

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] So, last week you two made me your involuntary Couple's Counselor. Then you edited me out of "Super Bra" and tonight you made me do iCarly by myself.

Gibby: [offended as he yells to Carly] What am I, a mushroom?!

Freddie: [to Carly] Okay, you're making way too big a deal out of--

Sam: [to Freddie as she gently pats him on the arm 3 times] Hey, hey, hey this isn't about us missing the show...

Freddie: [to Sam] She seems pretty upset by-- [Sam nods at him] Oh, right...

Sam: Mm hmm...

Carly: [rolls her eyes, annoyed] What's right?

Freddie: [to Carly] Look, since Sam and I started going out [looks to Sam, then back at Carly], maybe you've been feeling a little--

Sam: [finishing his sentence] Jealous.

Carly: [looking shocked] Wh- wh- wh- wh? [scoffs] You two think I'm jealous of your relationship?

Freddie: Maybe.

Sam: And maybe you were the one who let his mom know that we were going out.

Carly: [shocked] I did not!

Freddie: [confused] Then who did?

Carly: [screams] Gib---what?

Sam and Freddie: [glaring at Gibby]

Sam: [mad] Gibby?

Gibby: [sarcastic to Carly] Thanks, Carly! So much for secrets!

Sam: [runs to Gibby and throws him on the floor while screaming]

Gibby: Your son, Freddie...

Mrs. Benson: [gasps]

Gibby: ...is dating Sam. Look at this. [holds up PearPad and shows Mrs. Benson a picture of Freddie with his arm around Sam's shoulder; smiling at each other]

Mrs. Benson: [screams shrilly and loudly]

Gibby: [to Carly] Tell us what you know.

Mrs. Benson: [to Carly] Give into your anger.

Spencer: [screams] What?! [his pants fall down]

Carly: [to Gibby] You know we're about to ruin a relationship between two of our best friends?

Carly: [feeling bothered by Gibby going to take a nap in her bed] Oh...

Carly: [to Freddie] You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your mom you and Sam are dating.

Freddie: [scoffs] Oh really, you wanna see my mom burst into flames?

Carly: Yes!

Spencer: That'd be cool.

Sam: [laughs]

Mrs. Benson: [Off Screen knocking on the door] Freddie, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!

Freddie: Now what?

Sam: [to Freddie] No worries, we'll take the 'vator. [to Spencer] Tell his batty mom you haven't seen him or me.

Spencer: No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your mother.

Freddie: [frustrated] Why not?

Spencer: 'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie...and before you know it, you're a guy telling multiple lies.

Sam: [scoffs] Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here I lied for you.

Mrs. Benson: [OS annoyed knocking on the door louder] Fredward Benson!

Sam and Freddie: [look to Spencer, pleadingly]

Spencer: Fine. I'll lie. Go.

[Sam and Freddie run toward the elevator door. Sam pushes the second button]

Mrs. Benson: [OS annoyed knocking on the door] Fredward!

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] You know, you guys could invite me to go to the movies with you. [as Sam and Freddie step in the elevator]

Freddie: [to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Uh, well if you wanted to--

Sam: [to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.

Sam and Freddie: [as the elevator door shuts] Bye, Carly!

Gibby: Wait, I brought you a flashlight too. [shows Mrs. Benson pictures]

Mrs. Benson: What's that?

Gibby: Oh, that's me in the bathroom. And that's me brushing my cat's teeth. [Stops and looks and Marissa's face] He didn't like it...

Gibby: What am I? A mushroom?!

Freddie: [looking at his PearPhone] Ah, dag, man! No!

Sam: [to Freddie] What's the matter, baby?

Freddie: I didn't get into that summer program I applied to.

Carly: [smiles] NERD Camp.

Freddie: It's not NERD Camp. It's "New Electronics Research and Development camp!"

Gibby: [laughs to Freddie] You're perfect for that!

Freddie: I know!

Gibby: Cool! There having a big sale at glitter gloss?

Spencer: Why do you get text updates from Glitter Gloss?

Gibby: I care about women's personal needs, a'ight?

Spencer: [looks at Carly, Sam and Freddie giving an offended and weirded out expression based on Gibby's reaction]

Carly: [looks at Freddie] Look, having Sam in your life is like owning a wild chimp...

Freddie and Sam: [both look confused]

Carly: Sure, she is unpredictable; she can go berserk and chew your foot off. But if you keep her clean and well fed, she's adorable [puts her arm around Sam] and cool and tons of fun.

Freddie: I know, but--

Carly: [interrupts Freddie] She said she was sorry! And she really meant it.

Gibby: [walks in quietly]

Carly: Sam loves you! [looks at Sam waiting for her to speak then nudges her]

Sam: [shyly] It's kinda true.

Carly: [steps to the side and gestures for Sam to kiss Freddie then pushes them closer together]

Freddie: [smiles lovingly at Sam]

Sam: [smiles lovingly back at him]

Carly: [pushes them together to kiss]

Sam and Freddie: [kiss for 10 seconds]

iLove You

Chaz: [threateningly, jokingly] You just be good to our little Sammy, or we're gonna have to stab you.

Uncle Carmine:..All over.

Freddie: [stares at Chaz scared]

Sam, Chaz, and Uncle Carmine: [laugh thinking the threat's funny]

Freddie: [laughs awkwardly and nervously; still scared by the threat]

Jenna: That movie is too scary for Spencer.

Spencer: No it's not!

Jenna: That's it. Go to bed.

Spencer: But I--

Jenna: Right now!

Jenna: I'm gonna tickle you! [to Spencer whilst also tickling him]

Spencer: Don't do it! [laughing]

Carly: Okay, This needs to stop right now.

Jenna: Isn't it past your bed time?

Carly: You're not the babysitter of me!

Freddie:[to Carly] You see this one is an exact replica of a 1952 Santa Fe Trudgemaster.

Carly:[sarcastically] Wow.

Freddie: You see these 4 rivets right here? A 1952 has 6 rivets.

Carly: Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I'm super bored by this.

Freddie: Well, you wouldn't be so bored if you had come to my train club meeting to watch this baby in action.

Carly: Hmm, I'm pretty sure I woulda been.

Sam:[to Carly] Hey Carls. [to Freddie] Hey Pretty Baby.

Freddie: Hey Lil' Samantha. [Sam and Freddie kiss]

Carly: Alright, let's cool it with the public display of affection.

Sam: C'mon. We haven't kissed in two days.

Freddie: Our lips are starving!

Carly: Why didn't you guys kiss over the weekend?

Sam: Because we didn't see each other.

Carly: You didn't go play trains with him on Saturday night?

Sam: Naah. My mom and I went out to dinner and then we did some shopping. But we're gonna hang out after school right?

Freddie: Can't. I gotta go with my mom to her lady doctor. And I thought you said you had soccer practice?

Sam: Oh yeah.

Carly: You joined the soccer team?

Sam: Naah. Me and Wendy are just gonna use golf clubs to hit balls out towards the field.

Carly: During practice?

Sam: [gives her a no-duh kind of look] That's when the soccer girls are out in the open.

Carly: [to Sam and Freddie] Okay, so you guys aren't gonna hang out together today and you didn't see each other at all this weekend?

Sam and Freddie: [shake their heads no]

Freddie: Nope.

Sam: Um..Nuh uh

Carly: Isn't that kinda weird?

Freddie: [to Carly] We're just not into the same kinda things.

Sam: [to Carly] Diff'rent stokes baby.

Carly: But you're a couple now.

Sam: [glances to Freddie] So?

Carly: [to Sam] So part of dating is you learning to like stuff he likes [to Freddie] and you learning to like stuff she likes.

Sam: [confused] Uh.

Freddie: [to Sam, pats her on the back] Well, I got another meeting with my Model Train Club on Wednesday night. Wanna come?

Sam: [leans over to Carly] Should I be polite and lie?

Carly: [to Sam] Yes.

Sam: [goes back over to Freddie] I'd love to Baby.

Freddie: [puts his arm around Sam] Aww, that's my little fibber.

Sam: [Takes deep breath] A buh buh buh buh [gives Freddie a kiss on the cheek]

Freddie: I love you.

Sam: I love you too.

[Sam and Freddie kiss]

Freddie: [takes phone from pocket] It's only 10:30.

Sam: Wanna break up at midnight?

Freddie: [puts phone back] That works.

Sam: [smiles] Okay.

[Sam and Freddie step into elevator. Sam pushes the elevator button and they resume kissing.]

iQ

Freddie: Just don't talk about rumps in front of my mom

T-Bo: Why? she don't like rumps?

Mrs. Benson: This might take awhile

T-Bo: Ask as many questions as you like

Freddie: Terrence doesn't mind, as long as he gets to church by 9:30

T-Bo: [Prays]

T-Bo: Someone should notify your wife that she's married to a jerk!

Health Inspector: I'm divorced.

T-Bo: Lucky her!

Spencer: I'm at the junkyard bright 'n early this morning...

Carly: You sure you didn't wake up at noon?

Spencer: ... So I'm at the junkyard, about 2:30.

Spencer: I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.

Sam: But ... mostly, you are?

Spencer: Well, yeah.

Carly: So, I have to learn about boring Russian films and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Sam: He speaks Chinese?

Carly: Fluently, and all I know is [in Mandarin Chinese] Wo bu zhi dao!

Freddie: What's that mean?

Carly: I don't know.

Sam: How could you not know what it means?

Carly: I do know. It means. "I don't know."

Carly: [taping cheat notes to various places] He's gonna be here any minute! You know, you could help me!

Sam: [polishing her big fork] I gotta keep my fork shiny and lubed in case a meal breaks out!

[Sam impales a piece of bread with her big fork]

Carly: Hey! Hey! Keep your giant fork out of my date-bread.

Sam: The big fork wants what the big fork wants.

Kyle: More cheat notes! And you misspelled "Russia"!

Carly: Well my arm doesn't have a spell check!

iBloop 2: Electric Bloopaloo

Christopher: A girl who is clearly to my right, Jennette McCurdy.

Jennette: You know you could interview me?

Christopher: About what?

Jennette: iCarly.

Christopher: I'm on Victorious.

Jennette: Yeah, yeah, awesome show.

Christopher: Yes; we were nominated for an Emmy.

Jennette: Yeah I know... so was iCarly.

Jennette: [holding a jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa] What am I supposed to do with this?

Chirstopher: Look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Jennette: I.. I really don't feel comfortable doing that.

Christopher: Ryan Seacrest said it. He ate the whhooole jar.

Jennette: Ok-

Christopher: Are you saying you're better than Ryan Seacrest?

Jennette: I.. I never said I was better than-

Christopher: Look into the X camera and say it!

Jennette: Fine! [holds up the jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa'] "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Christopher: Try it with more enthusiasm.

Jennette: No, I said it, now let's just watch my bloopers ok?!

Christopher: You're very pushy, but alright.

Jennette: [ham falls off her fork onto the floor] The smart guy from the smoothie? [whilst trying not to laugh]

Miranda: Yeah!

Crew Member: Cut!

[Jennette and Miranda giggle and laugh]

Nathan: 5, 4, 3, 2.. [throws Jennette the remote while she's trying to get spaghetti off her fork]

[Jennette drops the remote]

[Jennette drops the remote again in a second take]

Jennette: Shut Up! [throws a tray on a cast member's foot]

Crew Member: Hold!

Jennette: [to the cast member whos foot she trew the tray at] Are you ok?

Cast Member: [while hopping] Oh yeah, almost lost a foot there..

[they all giggle]

Jennette: [sings] "My moustache is dangling from my face."

[The actor who plays Marty pushes Jerry in his seat under the table]

Jerry: It's like-

[Jennette spits her water out all over the table and everyone begins to laugh]

Nathan: [laughs so much that he falls off his stool]

Jerry: Sorry. [begins to laugh]

Jennette: [laughs hysterically with Jerry about what she's just done]

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Quit it!

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Carly!

Miranda: Sam loves-

[Jennette rolls off the bed and falls into the picture]

Crew Member: Hold!

Jennette: [gets up] I'm good.

Jennette: Um... so should we talk some more about my role on iCarly?

Christopher: No. Off you go.

Christopher: Now, if you were excited about seeing a good guest tonight, you'll have to wait a bit longer, 'cause up next, is Nathan Kress. He plays... [turns away from the camera towards the camera crew] Uh, who is he?

Dan: He plays Freddie on iCarly.

Christopher: Oh, he's the boy?

Dan: Yes sir.

Nathan: Thanks, thanks Christopher. Thanks for asking me to be on your show.

Christopher: I didn't ask you. My associate producer asked you, then she was fired.

Nathan: Ah, I see.

Christopher: Apple Juice?

Nathan: Uh, no, thanks.

Nathan: In here Mrs. Benson.

Jerry: [walks in] I'm not your mother! I'm her mother! [points at Jennette]

Nathan: [giggling] That's right...

Jerry: Mrs Puckett!

Nathan: [still giggling] ...sorry.

Jennette: Hey mom. [also giggling]

Jerry: Way to blow it!

Miranda: Jees! [jumping up and down while giggling]

Nathan: But he took your phone? [saying it wrong]

Dan: Let's do it again!

Nathan: [while walking off with Miranda and Jennette] Why do I keep doing that? Why?!

Dan: That's what we wanna know! [laughing]

Nathan: Gyahh! [peering around the corner]

Christopher: [to Jerry] Let's explain this to the audience so they can follow along. I used to date a girl named Stephanie, when she was in her prime.

Jerry: [Nods his head with a funny look on his face.]

Christopher: After I was finished with her, she and Jerry started dating.

Jerry: Yeah, and she's a great girl.

Christopher: Yes, I have some used snow skis I don't want anymore, perhaps you'd like to have those too?!

Jerry: Hey! Look-

Christopher: Now, now, let's be friendly. Apple Juice?

Jerry: No.

Jerry: [to the iCarly gang] Hey, you guys doing "The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl who thinks the co-

Jennette: That's the one.

[Take two]

Jerry: Hey, you guys doing "The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl-

Crew Member: Cut!

Jerry: [while giggling] I can't even get out girl anymore.

Jerry: You got change, for a lead pipe?! [is about to whack on the table but then stops] It's a steel pipe, isn't it?

[Jennette and Miranda giggle]

Jerry: So, if your mom rents a room to T-Bo, then, he's got a place to stay, your mom's got some extra money coming in everymoney bud-

[Miranda, Jennette and Nathan laugh with Jerry]

Jerry: Mon.. Moneybud?

Jerry: Come on Marty, let's go look for my money, in my dirty clothes. [giggles]

[Take two]

Jerry: Come on Marty, [walks towards his bedroom] let's go look for my. [walks back again] Son of a-

Jennette: But they ch-

Jerry: Shut!

Jennette: ...me. [stops and starts laughing]

Jerry: Her!... hey- [begins to laugh]

Jennette: I hate you! I hate you so much! [while he is still laughing]

Jerry: Sorry. [still laughing]

Jerry: Let's really try to impress the big cheese on this take!

[Jerry trips over his stool and falls over]

Jennette: [sat on the couch laughing at him]

Jerry: Urghh.

Dan: Uh, you're doing a great job Jerry!

Jerry: [whilst sitting down] I literally can't see anything in these goggles!

Christopher: I like calling you Gibby.

Noah: Hey, whatever bakes your potato.

Noah: I'm gonna show you some photos.

[Noah's glasses fall on the floor while he's trying to get his Pear Pad out of his jacket.]

Noah: I recommend "The Boston Grove" Sorry that was bad. [laughs and walks off]

[Miranda and Jennette also laugh as he walks off.]

Noah: Try it, draw a face on this grapefruit. [hands out a grapefruit with a face already drawn on it]

Miranda: No!

Dan: There's already a face on that grapefruit!

Noah: Hahaha! [points at Miranda and carrys on laughing]

Noah: And now watch, as I whip- [the coins fall off of his elbow too early] That was the trick. [laughs]

[everyone begins clapping]

Nathan: Gibby! [laughs]

Noah: Wow! [Begins to walk over to Miranda] They're having a big sale at "Bil- [walks back again laughing]

[Miranda giggles]

Noah: Sorry.

Noah: [pauses] That seems fair! [begins giggling] Me, I'd do anything- [starts laughing a bit more]

Nathan: [Turns round to Jerry.]

Noah: Sorry. Jerry please stop. [still giggling]

Nathan: [turns back around and starts laughing]

Jerry: [laughs hysterically in the kitchen]

Noah: [to Jerry] I just called you out.

Jerry: [shouts something to Noah from the kitchen]

Noah: No you're not! Oh my god, you know what you're doing. [continues laughing]

Christopher: What are you?

BooG!e: I'm BooG!e.

Christopher: What?!

BooG!e: I play T-Bo on iCarly.

Christopher: Oh. You're an actor on the show?

BooG!e: Ha, yeah my character runs the "Groovy Smoothie".

Christopher: So, people would know you if they saw you?

BooG!e: Uh huh, I get recognised a lot!

Christopher: Salsa!

BooG!e: What is this?!

Christopher: Just hold up the jar, look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

BooG!e: Alright, "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth!"

Christopher: Thank you. Goodbye!

BooG!e: But, wait, I thought we were gonna watch my bloopers?

Christopher: Security!

Christopher: Now please applaud with both hands for, Miranda Cosmose.

Miranda: Uh, actually my last name's Cosgrove.

Christopher: Look sweetheart, we have three minutes to do this, you really wanna waste time debating your last name?

Miranda: Uh, no!

Miranda: So, being on iCarly's really fun.

Christopher: Oh yes. So, which cast member do you hate the most?

Miranda: What?!

Christopher: Is it Jerry? Do you hate Jerry Trainor?

Miranda: No, I love Jerry! We all get along really well.

Christopher: Huuhhh. That's soooo interesting.

Christopher: Hold that jar up, look into the X camera and say "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Miranda: Why, what's this for?

Christopher: Charity?

Miranda: You swear this is for charity?

Christopher: Do you want to see your bloopers or don't you?!

Miranda: Yeah.

Christopher: Then do as I instructed!

Miranda: Ok!

Christopher: Cue the music.

[music begins to play]

Miranda: "Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth."

Christopher: You all heard it. Johnny Depp's ex-girlfriend says she likes my salsa. So go buy it.

Miranda: I never dated-

Christopher: Let's look at some highlarious bloopers.

[Christopher Cane's Salsa video plays.]

Miranda: These aren't my bloopers!

Christopher: You know you were so adorable on 'Drake and Josh'.

Miranda: Awww, thanks.

Christopher: What happened?

Miranda: Just show my bloopers ok?!

Christopher: My, what a temper you have! I see why Johnny Depp dumped you. Let's view Miranda's bloopers.

Kevin: Well, ah, I don't wish to overstay my welcome. Goodnight.

Miranda: My hand's stuck. [shows her hand being stuck to her dress and starts laughing.]

Kevin: [falls onto the couch laughing]

Miranda: Someone help me! [continues laughing]

Miranda: It's just, Sam and Freddie have been calling me like [picks up towel from Jerry's shoulder] ten times to-

Jerry: ahha.

Miranda: [begins to laugh] Sorry.

[both stay still looking at each other]

Miranda: I dunno what I just did. [starts laughing again]

Miranda: How did this happen?! You guys have-. Sorry.

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: [with a weird voice and hand gestures] Happen! I sound crazy. [starts laughing with Jennette]

Nathan: [taking the mic out of Miranda's blooper] Happen!

Miranda: [Repeating it with a weird voice and hand gestures] Happen!

Jennette: [sat on the seat laughing at them both]

Miranda: Is this, a new portion in our lives?! What's going on here?

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: Portion?!

Nathan: [laughing at Miranda's blooper]

Miranda: A new portion?! Sorry.

Miranda: [Looking up the stairs] But, but! [turns towards the camera]

Crew Member: Cut!

Miranda: I'm still crazy sorry! [begins laughing]

Jennette: How can you not know what it means?

Miranda: I do know what it means! It means, Wo bu zhi dao, which makes no sense. [starts laughing and throws her arm down onto her laptop]

Miranda: [walks out of the elevator] I'm back.

Nathan: Get her!!

[Nathan, Jennette and Jerry all run towards her and get her down on the floor]

Nathan: Right, go, go!!

[The three of them then rush out of the front door leaving Miranda on the floor confused and laughing]

Miranda: What are you doing? [still laughing]

iStill Psycho

Carly: That's my brother Clams.

Sam: Nice to meet ya there, Clams!

Spencer: Owww! Squirrreeeelll!!! [sling-shots Sam in the face]

Sam: D'ah!

Carly: Sam! Sam!

Sam: Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly: I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie: I did!

Carly: We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam: For why?

Carly: For wh-? For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam: Maybe they should let her go?

Carly: What?! Why?!

Sam: Look, I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie: Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly: Yeah, well, I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo: Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly: What are you doing?

T-Bo: Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer: Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie: Yeah, he does!

T-Bo: See!

Freddie: If my mom sees how T-Bo really is, she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo: Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie: It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo: Haha. [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby: Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo: Not really!

Gibby: Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie: Hellooooo.

Sam: Gibaloni.

Carly: Where've you been?

Gibby: The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam: Please say it was a horse.

Gibby: Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam: Oh my god!

Spencer: No!

Carly: Woah!

Gibby: It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam: What does it do?

Gibby: Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly: Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby: Oh yeah!

Sam: Where'd you get the money?

Gibby: From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly: Oh yeah.

Gibby: Are your feet in milk?

Spencer: Yep.

Gibby: [moves a milk carton off the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly: Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby: Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly: What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby: Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly: Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby: [Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Judge Moyle: Alright; Nora Dershlit, you may speak on your own behalf.

Nora: Thank you judge Moyle. [sits down] The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to express how terrible I feel for.. for what I did to the iCarly's. People who I only wanted to respect me, [Gibby begins to get out his fake head but Sam then makes him put it away] to like me, and to accept me as a person and a chicken lover. I'm not worthy of freedom, I deserve to rot in my cell. It's, not a joyful life but, not much worse than the life I used to have. At least now I'm surrounded by other prisoners so, in a way, I finely have friends. Oh, I'm sorry, mom and dad!

[Nora's mother beging to cry]

Judge Moyle: The victims will now have a chance to speak.

Carly: Thank you Judge. [turns to Nora] Look Nora. What you did was- [Nora's mother interrupts with her crying] Without.. without consequences- [Nora interrupts with a guilty noise] A person never learns- [Nora interrupts once again with a gulity noise] Oh, just let her go, let her go! [Hugs Sam and starts crying]

Sam: Shhh, it's ok, shut up, shut up. [tries to comfort Carly]

Gibby: [Get's his head out once again and shoves it in a lady's face] Wanna smell my head?

Judge Moyle: Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- [stops after noticing Gibby's fake head] What is that?!

Gibby: Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?

Judge Moyle: Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. [clicks his pen and starts writing] Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents.

Nora's Parents: Oh, thank goodness! Yes!

Judge Moyle: Balif, remove her handcuffs.

[Nora's handcuffs are removed and she kisses her mom and dad.]

Nora: Oh, you guuyyyss! [rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]

iCarly gang: Yayyy... [sarcastically]

Nora: Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom!

Freddie: Oh, you don't have to thanks us.

Carly: We're just happy you're a better person now.

Nora: Oh I am, I know I am!

Nora's Mother: Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home.

Nora: Wow, really!

Nora's Father: Yes, baby.

Nora's Mother: And, we invited all your classmates from school.

Nora: [gasps] And they're all coming?!

Nora's Father: No.

Nora's Mother: None of them are.

Nora: Oh, well, Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, Gibby's head, would you all, please, come?

[The iCarly gang begin making excuses on why they can't go.]

Nora: Well, that's ok. I guess it will just be me, my mom and my dad.

Nora's Father: Sorry, I can't make it, baby.

Nora: Why not?

Nora's Father: I wanna go camping, alone, tonight. [kisses her forehead]

Nora: Oh, I guess it will just be supper for the two of us then. [looks at the iCarly's really upset before heading home]

[The iCarly gang look at each other feeling really bad and sorry for Nora]

Carly: Uh, okaayy, we'll come to your Norwegian supper.

Nora: You will?! All of you will?

iCarly Gang: Yeahhh...

Nora: Oh, yay! Yay for days! Haha!

Baliff: Hey, uh, has anybody here seen my taser?

Carly: Sam.

Freddie: Sam.

Sam: Oh! Is this your taser? [gets out the taser from her bag and gives it back]

Nora: Oh, I'm home! This is where I belong, back in the bosom of my youth!

Gibby: [laughing with Freddie] Ha, Bosom.

Freddie: I know. [giggle with Gibby]

[Maurice clucks]

Nora: Maurice! Oh, Maurice, I missed you so much! Give me some beak! [kisses Maurice]

Carly: This place brings back the memories, huh?

Sam: Yep. Hey, Nora, remember when your clown had an aneurism, or should I say, clownurism?

Nora: Yes, poor Cramps!

Nora's Mother: Ok, kids, we don't need to talk about that terrible day! Not when we have this beautiful buffet of Norwegian foods. [brings everyone round the table of food, and takes of the foil from the food]

Freddie: Yeahh, what exactly are, 'Norwegian Foods'?

Nora's Mother: Well, we have lutefisk.

Sam: Lutefisk?

Nora: It's dry cod fish soaked in lie solution for several days.

Gibby: That's nauseating.

Nora: Nauseatingly delicious!

Nora's Mother: And then we have warm tongue with flan.

Nora: Oooo! And about desert?

[Nora's mother takes of the foil of the desert]

Nora: [gasps] Beef cookies and cream! [gasps again]

[Freddie looks disgusted whilst getting out his phone]

Sam: Ok, [picks up a lutefisk] even I can't eat this chiz! [and throws it back down again disgusted]

Freddie: Hey, there's no way we're gonna make the last train back to Seattle.

Carly: I'll just text Spencer and tell him to come pick us up. [gets out her phone and texts Spencer] "Hey, pick us up from Nora's at about 9 o'clock-"

Nora: Try this monkfish liver! [shoves a plate of Norwegian food in Sam and Carly's faces]

[Sam stands there with a disgusted look on her face]

Carly: "..Or sooner."

[Everyone's sat down eating]

Freddie: And, what kind of cream is this?

Nora's Mother: It's made from pig's milk.

Sam: I'm done. [puts her plate down.]

Freddie: Well, that's enough of that. [also putting his plate down]

Gibby: [still eating the cream] I love pig's milk. I love it right from the pig.

[Doorbell rings]

Carly: Oh, that must be Spencer.

Nora: I'll fetch him. [gets up and opens the front door]

Spencer: Hi, I'm Spencer Shay. Uh, I know we just met but I drank a double big chug on the up way here and if I don't hit a bathroom in the next 30 seconds-!

Nora: Of course! Mother, would you please show Spencer to our best toilet?

Nora's Mother: Certainly. [grabs Spencer and brings him inside] We just got a new one downstairs; it's comfort height.

Spencer: Any toilet would be fine.

Nora's Mother: Come with me.

[Nora's mother takes Spencer down into the basement]

[The other's begin picking up their belongings ready to leave]

Carly: Well, Nora, thanks so much for the awesome Norwegian supper.

Sam: Yeah, I guess I've had worse dinners.

Nora: Awww, you're all so welcome.

Gibby: Love the beef cookies.

Freddie: And, congrats on getting released from prison.

Nora: [gives a thumbs-up] Thank you!

Carly: Okay, I guess this is goodbye.

Nora: Oh, no it's not.

Freddie: Yeah, we really gotta get back.

Nora: Yeah, but you're not gonna.

[Nora's mother locks the door to the basement and joins the others; she is revealed to be a psychopath just like her daughter.]

Sam: Uh, what are you talking about?

Nora's Mother: You children are going to be here for quite a while.

Nora: Yes, you will. [Nora and her mother both turn their heads to Carly quickly at the same time.] I know you will.

Carly: [throws down her bag and tries to open the front door] It's locked.

Sam: Move. [also tries to open the door] Unlock it, Nora!

Nora: No!

Freddie: [to Gibby] The windows!

[Freddie and Gibby rush to the windows and try to open them]

Nora's Mother: I don't think you'll be able to get them open either.

Sam: I know how to get a window open.

[Sam walks over to a wooden chair and smashes it against a window and watched it fall to pieces.]

Nora: All the windows have been replaced with Maxi Glass.

Nora's Mother: They're quite unbreakable.

Sam: Yeah? [picks up a piece of broken chair] Well I bet your faces aren't made out of Maxi Glass?

Carly: Get 'em, Sam!

[Sam rushes over towards Nora and her mother]

Nora: [quickly] Wow, Carly, I thought you cared about your brother?!

Carly: Sam, wait! [Sam stops still] What are you talking about?

Nora: My new favorite television programme. [walks over towards the TV]

Gibby: "Jake and The Fat Man"?

Nora: No. "Wheel of..." [turns on TV, showing Spencer on a big wheel in the basement]

Spencer: Carly!!!

Nora: "...Spencer!"

Spencer: HELP! HELP ME!! I'M ON A WHEEL!!!

Carly: Spencer! Where are you?!

Freddie: He's in the basement!

Nora: That's right.

[Carly and Freddie rush over to the basement door and try to open it.]

Carly: Spencer!

Nora's Mother: I'm afraid the door to the basement is, quite locked.

Nora: And if Sam or, any of you try to harm me or my mother, this is what will happen.

[Spencer starts spinning on the wheel]

Spencer: What, what's happening? I'm rotating! Help! Carly! And I still have to pee!

Spencer: Arrggghhhhh!!

Carly: [walks up to the TV] Spencer! Spencer!!

Nora: Oh, silly Carly, he can't hear you.

Sam: He's in the basement!

Freddie: Would you stop that wheel?!

Nora: Oh, I'd be glad to. [stops the wheel]

Spencer: Arggghhhhh..... Oh, great, it's stopped spinning.. now I can puke.

Nora: No need to watch that. [turns off the TV]

Gibby: Don't turn it off, it was just getting good!

Carly: Nora... you're a nutcase!

Nora: [stands up on the couch] The proper term is disturbed, lonely, socio-path.

Sam: Look, dude, we're the ones who got you out of jail!

Nora: True.. but first, you tainted the memory of my 16th birthday party! So now, we're going to undo the taint. Mother, please fetch our party guests!

Nora's Mother: [while doing weird and uncool hand gestures] BRB!

Carly: You're the one who ruined the memory of your own birthday party!

Freddie: Everything would’ve been cool if you'd just had let us go home afterwards!

Sam: Instead of you and your stupid chicken locking us in your basement!

Nora: You will never, besmirch the name of my chicken. You apologize to Maurice right now!

Sam: Ah, sniff it Nora.

Nora: I will not, sniff it! But I will give Carly's brother, the spins.

[Nora's starts spinning Spencer's wheel again]

Spencer: Oh no, It's turning again, what's.. happening!?

Carly: Just apologize to the chicken!

Sam: Urghh. [walks over and bends down to Maurice] I'm sorry that I bespired your name by calling you stupid. And that I've eaten thousands of your relatives.

[Nora stops Spencer from spinning]

Nora: Thank you, Sam. Now let's all wear party hats, there's some right over there!

Carly: We're not wearing party hats.

Nora: Put on the hats!

[They all rush over and quickly put on the hats]

Gibby: Wait a second.

[The other three stare at Gibby]

Gibby: Why are you guys staring at me?

Freddie: You said, "Wait a second."

Gibby: Oh, yeah! Uh, there's 4 of us and 1 of Nora, so let's just take the remote away from her.

Nora: Ooooh, bad idea. See if any iCarly's make a sudden move, I hit this special red button, and Spencer spins at top speed until his brain turns to goo.

Carly: Goo?!

Nora: Yes, goo! Haha! And you won't be able to stop it.

Gibby: Huuhhhh. She's really thought this through.

Nora: Yes, prison gives you lots of time to think, and to plan, and to not shower.

[All stand there with disgusted faces once again]

T-Bo: Alright! You want the truth?

Mrs. Benson: Yes! Right Now!

T-Bo: You... I...:

[T-Bo walks over to kitchen countertop and takes a drink, stalling for time]:

T-Bo: Okay, nobody calls me Terrence! I am T-Bo! T - Bo! I'm not fancy! [In fancy voice] I don't talk like this. [In normal voice] I sling smoothies, I put food on sticks, and I like a lot of women!

Mrs. Benson: You lied to me.

T-Bo: So much!

Mrs. Benson: Why?

T-Bo: So you'd rent me the room! Now this is the real me. You can either accept me as I am, or just tell me to get out.

Mrs. Benson: Get out.

[T-Bo stands with a shocked, disappointed face]:

Carly: Ok, what are we gonna do?!

Sam: [starts walking towards her bag] I'll tell you what we're gonna do. As soon as those two freaks walk back in here... [gets out and starts swinging the butter sock]

Carly: No, no butter sock.

Sam: C'mon, man!

Freddie: You can't attack them as long as Spencer's on that wheel in the basement or else Nora's just gonna spin him again.

Carly: And anyway that butter sock is gross!

Sam: I change the butter once a month!

Carly: Do you really?

Sam: No.

Freddie: Man, there is no way to get this window open.

Gibby: Hey, I know how Santa Claus would get out of here.

Carly: Oh, the chimney!

Sam: Right, that's the one!

[the three of them rush over to the chimney.]

Gibby: No. [strokes the dummy's hair] On a reindeer.

Freddie: [Annoyed] Gibby!

Sam: You idiot.

Carly: We thought you meant climbing up the chimney.

Gibby: That could also work.

Sam: Urgh, just stuff yourself up there and go for help!

Gibby: Kay kay.

Carly: Wa, wa, wa, wait! The Dershilts will notice he's gone!

Freddie: No. 'Cause Gibby's gonna be taking a nap [Pulls out Gibby's fake head] on the couch.

Nora and Nora's Mother: [they both come out of the kitchen carrying cake and singing] "Oh, for Nora's a jolly good person, for Nora's a jolly good person... [Nora makes the iCarly gang join]

Everyone: For Nora's a jolly good person!...

Nora: Now Freddie's gonna get kissed!"

Freddie: What?! That's not the lyrics! I don't want-

[Nora blows out her candles and grabs Freddie]

Freddie: No! C'mon!

[Nora kisses Freddie and Carly and Sam stand there looking worried and shocked]

[Nora's still kissing Freddie whilst Sam, Carly and Nora's mother and watching and eating cake]

Nora: [finally lets Freddie go] Yeah! [gives Freddie a thumbs up]

Freddie: [out of breath, he turns to Sam and Carly, looking shocked and confused.] You guys just stood there, eating cake, while I was tampered with?!

Sam: It's really good cake.

Gibby: [Pokes his head out the top of the chimney] Gibbeh! Yeah. Fresh air, baby. [Spits] Now I gotta get to the cops, and then crazy Nora's gonna find herself back in prison where she [Tries to get out from the top of the chimney, but is unsuccessful] Gibbeh! And I'm stuck.

Nora's Father: This is supposed to be a party. A birthday party, that will go on forever, and ever... [Nora joins her father]

Nora and Nora's Father: And ever, and ever...

[Nora's mother walks through the door, and joins Nora and her father.]

Dershlit family: And ever, and ever, and ever...

Carly: Oh, my god.

Gibby: Hey! Hey, you kids, hey! Up here! Yeah, hi. Uh, can I get a little help?

Kid: Hey. That's the dude from iCarly.

Kid: Yeah, that's Gibby.

Kid: Gibbeh!

Kid: Hey, Gibby, take off your shirt.

Gibby: No, I do that less frequently now. Listen, I'm stuck and I can't move my arms. I need you guys to call the cops.

Kid: Let's throw balls at him.

Kid: Yeah!

Gibby: What? No! Don't throw balls at me. I'm completely vulnerable. Why would you wanna throw? [Kids throw balls at him, but the balls hit the top of the chimney instead] Ha-ha! You missed me, you missed me, now you gotta kiss; [A kid throws a ball at his head] This is how you treat an Internet star?! [The kids start throwing balls at him] Stop it!

[when Mrs. Benson and T-Bo are about to leave for the Dershlits, T-Bo walks into the bathroom]

Mrs. Benson: Where are you going?

T-Bo: ...To get my $7 bottle of Jamaica my hair so silky!

Freddie: You made a hamburger?

Sam: Your mom's got this!

Carly: Will you stop spinning my brother?!

Nora: No!

Carly: Why?! I sang you Happy Birthday like you wanted!

Nora: You were pitchy!

Carly: [gasps] Well.

[Spencer continuous screaming from the television]

[Sam picks up a vase and throws it to make it smash]

Sam: Run, Gibby!!

Nora: Gibby?!

Nora's Mother: He's still in the house!

Nora's Father: Check all the bedrooms.

[Nora, Nora's Father and Nora's Mother go off looking for Gibby]

Carly: You saw Gibby?!

Sam: No, I threw a glass thing in there to buy us some time.

Freddie: Time for what?!

Sam: To figure out a way to get us out of this 'nut-hut'! [hits Freddie continuously while saying it]

Freddie: Ow!

Carly: Why hasn't your freakish mother come looking for us by now?

Freddie: She thinks we're at the hotel with Spencer so why would she-? [Quickly remembers something and grabs the back of his head] The chip!

Sam: What chip?

Freddie: [turns to Sam] The one my mom had surgically installed in my head when I was a toddler.

[Sam pulls an 'of course' face]

Freddie: If it stops transmitting, it triggers an emergency signal to my mom's tracking device and tells her my location!

Sam: Oh, cool, then how do we make it stop transmitting!

Carly: Yeah, where's the off switch?

Freddie: I dunno, it's in my head!

Sam: [Smacks Freddie on the head and screams into his ear] Mrs Benson, help us!!

Carly: Shhh! Do you want the Dershilts to hear you?!

Freddie: Smacking me on the head isn't gonna make the chip stop working!

Carly: Then what will make it stop working?!

Sam: And trigger the emergency signal!

Freddie: I guess it would have to be electrically shorted out somehow.

[all pause and think]

Sam: Ohh!! [rushes over to the chair and searches quickly through her jacket] The shock pen!

Freddie: [worried] Oh, the shock pen?

Carly: Is that Spencer's?

Sam: Yeah I stole it, see?

Freddie: Why'd you steal his shock pen?

Sam: 'Cause I like it, and I didn't have one!

[Nora rushes back into the room]

Nora: Where's, Gibby?

Carly: Just don't look in you parent's shower!

Nora: Mother, mother! Gibby may be showering! [runs off to find Gibby again]

Sam: Ok Benson, I hope this thing is powerful enough to blow that chip-

Freddie: No no no no, let Carly do it.

Sam: Why?

Freddie: 'Cause Carly cares about me. A least she'll try to be gentle. She won't just take the thing and stick it-

[Carly sticks the pen in Freddie's head and he falls on the floor]'

Sam: Here, gimme that?

Carly: What are you doing?

Sam: Just to be sure. [places the pen on Freddie's head once more]

Carly: Okay! This is outta control! We've been here for 15 hours, and we wanna leave!

Sam: [tries to open the door] OPEN THIS DOOR!!!!!

Nora's Mother: NOOO!!!!

Nora's Father: WE MAY NEVER OPEN THAT DOOR!!!

Nora: THAT'S RIGHT! [Pauses] Because my birthday party shall go on. Forever....

Dershlit family: And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever....

[Suddenly, Mrs. Benson and T-Bo ram through the door on T-Bo's motercycle]

Mrs. Benson: Freddie!

Freddie: Mom!

Carly: T-Bo?

T-Bo: Chicken? [Maurice clucks]

Mrs. Benson: Freddie! [Freddie runs over and hugs her]

Nora: Wh... what's... What's happening...?

Sam: You wanna know what's happening, Nora?

Carly: You and your freak parents are going to prison. Forever… (along with Sam and Freddie after what the Dershilts has said to them)

iCarly gang: ...And ever, and ever, and ever…

Nora: And ever?

iCarly gang: Yes. And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever...

[Carly is sleeping in her bed when she suddenly wakes up.]

Carly: [Realizes something] Gibby!

[Gibby is still stuck on top of the chimney.]

Gibby: Hey! Anyone?! I'm still here! [Sobs] Gibbeh. [Kids throw balls at him] More balls?! [Starts sobbing while having more balls thrown at him by kids] Gibbeh.

iBalls

Freddie: That lady treated me like I'm useless! Apparently I'm just a monkey with a camera!

Sam: Whoa, can we get a monkey to work the camera?

Sam: Hey, if you're going to Yakima for the weekend how are we gonna do iCarly?

Carly: Oh yeah, you wanna host the show alone?

Sam: Naaah, I need somebody to banter with.

Freddie: Uhh, how about me? I could host iCarly with Sam.

Sam: Ooorr, I could fill a bag with yogurt and put a face on it?

Carly: That is hilarious. You could call him Baggels.

Sam: Baggels! I love that!

Freddie: You'd rather do comedy with a sack of yogurt than me?

[Sam and Carly pull weird faces and try and not admit the fact that he's right]

Freddie: I can be creative! I've been working on some really funny characters and stuff.

Sam: Oh my god, no no no.

Carly: Sam.

Freddie: I've done stuff on the show before!

Sam: Little stuff.

Carly: That we wrote.

Freddie: Just let me host the show with Sam one time.

Carly: Ok.

Freddie: Yes! [turns to Sam with a pleading look.]

Sam: Whatevs.

Freddie: Yes! This is gonna be awesome! Yeah yohooo!

Carly: Have Baggels standing by.

Sam: Yeeepp.

Freddie: I just wanted people to think I was creative.

Sam: And I wanted a mom without stretch marks. That ain't happening. And... y'know, tech stuff can be sorta creative.

Freddie: What do you mean?

Sam: Well... you know, weren't you working on some sort of tech-y 3-D chizz?

Freddie: *sighs* Yeah. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot video so people could watch it online in three-D. Y'know, without special glasses.

Sam: See? That's creative!

Freddie: But I never could make it work.

Sam: Well... you know... uh....

Freddie: I... should try again?

Sam: Yeah, sounds like the sort of advice you'd get from someone who cares.

Mrs Benson: I'm here!

Sam: Why?!

Mrs Benson: Where are your manners?!

Sam: In my butt. Sit down.

Gibby: Let's go bathe in the glory.

Sam: No one, wants to see you, bathe.

Gibby: My cat loves watching me bathe.

Sam: Courtney, I see you brought your camera. You want a picture with Freddie? [puts her arm round Freddie]

Courtney: No. But can I get one with Baggels?

Freddie: Goodbye, Courtney.

[After Marty leaves, Spencer turns to Sam and Freddie.]

Freddie: Come on. Let's go meet Gibby at the Smoothie.

Spencer: Okay.

[As Freddie takes his jacket from the sofa and Spencer takes his jacket from a jacket hanger, the elevator stops at the floor of the Shay Apartment.]

Carly: [Comes out of the elevator with her suitcase] I'm back.

Spencer: [Opens the door] Later.

Freddie: See you.

Sam: Bye, Carls.

[Sam, Freddie, and Spencer leave the apartment, leaving Carly standing confused.]

iMeet The First Lady

Carly: Okay wait, is it straight?

Freddie: Ummm, I think my side needs to be a little higher.

Carly: [looks at Sam] Sam.

[Sam looks at Carly with a worried look on her face]

Carly: What are you doing with that balloon?

Sam: Taping the string to Freddie's phone.

Freddie: My.... [rummages around for his phone in a slight panic] Get your hands off my phone!

Sam: No prob. [lets go of the balloon]

Freddie: Ohh noo.

Carly: Saaamm.

Freddie: You get my phone down from there right now!

[Sam pulls out her mini paintball gun]

Freddie: No no wait, I want you t-

[Sam bursts the balloon and Freddie's phone smashes on the table]

Freddie: Not sure the warranty covers that.

[Gibby walks in]

Gibby: Gibbay! Woah, you guys getting ready for a party?

Sam: Yep.

Freddie: Carly's dad's coming home for a few days.

Carly: And it's the first time in 3 years that I get to spend his birthday with him.

Gibby: Sooo, Spencer's not your dad?

Carly: No!

[Sam whacks Gibby in the butt with a paintball in annoyance]

Gibby: Oww!

Sam: [annoyed] You deserved that.

Gibby: Great. Now when I sit I'm gonna have to put all my weight on my left buttock.

[Spencer runs out]

Spencer: Okay! Okay, tell me what you guys think, huh? [makes funny noises while doing a weird jog on the spot, He is wearing a suit]

Sam: What?!

Freddie: You got a job interview?

Spencer: Ew, no, gross.

Carly: He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm.

Spencer: [fake laughs] I gotta! You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?

Carly: He's been disappointed in you since you were 9!

Freddie: Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?

Carly: Yes.

Spencer: [annoyed] It was an accident!

Carly: Accident or not, it put Mr. Creamstein out of business!

[Gibby lifts up a lid of a box revealing a cake]

Gibby: Woah ho ho, what's this?

Carly: Don't touch it.

Sam: That's her dad's birthday cake.

Carly: Yeah, it's an exact replica of an Air Force, F22, fighter jet.

Spencer: Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.

Carly: Spencer- [tries to grab the remote off of him]

Spencer: Don' touch me, your dirty. [everyone looks round all confused] When we show dad the cake he say "Well, why aren't the candles lit?" and then Carly will say "Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?" and then I'll press this button, and-

[The cake explodes everywhere and all over everybody]

Carly: I'll order another cake.

Freddie: What's wrong?

Spencer: That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.

Sam: What?!

Freddie: No way?!

Spencer: Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.

Freddie: Well who's gonna tell Carly?

[Spencer gives the puppy dog eyes look to Sam]

Sam: I'm not telling Carly.

Spencer: Why?!

Sam: Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!

Spencer: SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-

[Carly enters making aeroplane noises whilst bringing in her dad's birthday cake]

Carly: Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?

[the others look at each other looking upset not knowing what to say next]

Spencer: Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]

[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]

Spencer: Weenies!

Carly: Why are they weenies?

Spencer: I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.

Carly: Okay, something's going on here.

Spencer: Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-

Carly: I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-

Spencer: No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.

Carly: [shocked] He is too coming home, he told me.

Spencer: Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-

Carly: But we planned a big birthday party and everything.

Spencer: I know, I'm sad about it too, but-

[Carly begins to walk upstairs very upset]

Spencer: Don't be mad at him.

Carly: I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.

Spencer: You wanna talk about it?

Carly: No.

[Sam and Freddie walk back in]

Freddie: Hey!

Sam: Did you just call us weenies?

Spencer: Yes.

Sam: Ok.

Freddie: Later

[Sam and Freddie leave again]

Sam: When do we start the show?

Freddie: Where's Carly?

Sam: In her room, fixing her make-up.

Freddie: She was crying?

Sam: Yeah.

Gibby: Why? You hit her?

Sam: No, I didn't hit her!

Freddie: She's still upset about her dad not coming home.

Gibby: Oh well, she won't be upset in a few minutes when.. [notices Carly] Shut up! She's walking in!

Freddie: He's, just-

Carly: I don't care. Let's just get iCarly over with so I can go back to my room and cry in the dark.

Freddie: In.. 5, 4, 3, 2

Carly: Hi.

Sam: And I'm Sam. Now hold onto your butter beans cause this is..

Carly and Sam: iCarly!

Sam: Okay, now recently, we've noticed something about pineapples.

Carly: They're usually naked.

Sam: But tonight..

Carly: We're gonna dress up a few pineapples real purty-like.

Sam: No, we're not.

Carly: What are you doing?

Sam: I'll tell you what we're doing. Me, Gibby and Frednard got a cool surprise for little miss Carly Shay here.

[Freddie hands Gibby the camera]

Freddie: As a lot of you know, Carly's dad..

Sam: Colonel Shay.

Freddie: Is in the airforce.

Carly: Can we not talk about my dad?

Sam: So he couldn't be here in person..

Freddie: To spend his birthday with Carly and her brother Spencer.

Carly: This is cruel.

Sam: Therefore, we've arranged for Carly to throw her dad a birthday iParty!

Freddie: Via the internet.

Carly: I told you guys, he's at some military base for the next 5 weeks, there's no way we can contact him.

Freddie: Ah! But there is.

Sam: And now, young Freddie will establish contact with her dad, Colonel Shay!

Carly: What?!

Gibby: Spencer, get out here!

Spencer: I'm out here!

Freddie: And, connecting to overseas airforce base.. now!

[Carly's dad appears via videochat, but the image is distorted and poor so we don't see his face]

Sam: What up with the picture?

Freddie: One sec. [types] "Colonel Shay, can you see us?"

Carly: Can he?!

Carly's Dad: [types] "Yes".

Freddie: He can see us!

Carly: Hey dad!

Spencer: Hey dad!

Carly: It's me!

Spencer: I'm a lawyer!

[The picture is still poor and Colonel Shay does not respond]

Sam: Why can't we see him?

Freddie: I dunno, he can't get a clear video signal out.

Spencer: But he can see and hear everything we're saying?

Carly's Dad: [types] "Yes".

Freddie: Yes! Here, I'll put the instant message window on the big screen.

[He does so]

Carly's Dad: [types] "Hey guys!"

Carly: Ah! Hey dad!

Spencer: Happy Birthday!

Carly: I miss you!

Spencer: I'm a lawyer!

Carly: Dad! I love you so much!

Carly's Dad: [types] "Love you too snug bug :)"

Carly: Ahh! He called me snug bug, that's me, that's what he calls me!

Gibby: That's a cute nickname.

Carly's Dad: [types] "Hey Sam."

Sam: Hey Colonel Shay.

Carly's Dad: [types] "How's your mom?"

Sam: Oh my mom? Same as always.

Carly's Dad: [types] "I'm so sorry."

Freddie: Okay Colonel Shay, get excited, cause it's time for...

[Gibby brings out the birthday cake]

[Drum roll and Sam plays the music and switches the bright blue lights on]

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: [sing] Happy Birthday Colonel Shay..

Spencer: DAD!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: ..today's the day that you were born!

Gibby: Gibbay!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: We wish that you could be here with us, cause if you were we'd give you a hug! [shout] Give him a hug! [sing] We bought a cake shaped like a plane aaaannnnnddddd.... payed for it with your credit card! YEAH!! Woo!! Woop!

[Balloons fall from the ceiling]

Sam: C'mon, c'mon, the candles, light them!

Freddie: Yeah, do it!

Spencer: I will now light the candles on 3.. 1-

[The cake blows up everywhere]

Carly's Dad: [types] "Nice work Spencer."

Freddie: Uh guys, I may not be able to hold this connection much longer.

[Carly and Spencer argue on who says goodbye]

Spencer: Just say it!

Carly: Ok, okay! Dad, I really wish we were together, but, this almost feels like we are. Um, I'm really proud of you. Happy Birthday! I love you.

Carly's Dad: [types] "I love you too."

Carly: And I love you guys. [gives Sam and Freddie and hug.]

[The connection gets interrupted, ending the call]

Freddie: That's it, lost the connection.

[Sam gives Carly a hug]

Spencer: Aw man, there's cake on the ceiling.

Gibby: Where? [cake falls onto his face] Oh, there.

Sam: How can you not be mad?

Carly: Mr. Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.

Freddie: But he took your phone?

Carly: He'll give it back.

Freddie and Sam: But-

Carly: Okay, okay. Nothing can out me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs.

Sam and Freddie: Umm, well, no, no-

Carly: No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. [Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug] I love you.

[The trio walk in to find Spencer sat on the couch joined by agents.]

Spencer: Heeyy.

Carly: Um, who are-

Agent Kinsey: I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris.

Agent Farrow: We're with the United States Secret Service.

Spencer: Heeyy.

Agent Kinsey: This is about your recent webcast.

Agent Farrow: To a secure military base over-seas.

[The three of them look very worried]

Spencer: Heeyy.

[The agents are investigating the apartment.]

Carly: I don't understand this.

Agent Kinsey: Just relax Ma'am.

Spencer: How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!

Agent Farrow: We're just checking your place out.

Sam: Why?!

Agent Farrow: Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government.

Sam: Oh great!

Freddie: [tries to confort Sam] Stay calm.

Sam: I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!

Agent Farrow: [His machine bleeps] Clear.

Agent Kinsey: Alright, we're done here for now. Please don't leave town until we contact you again.

Carly: Why can't we leave town?

Agent Kinsey: Just don't leave town.

[The 4 of them stand there looking at the agents very shocked]

Carly: Okay. [sounding scared] Thanks for watching iCarly!

[The agents leave the apartment]

[Carly gives Spencer a hug looking really upset, as if she's about to cry.]

[Carly and Freddie meet at the lockers.]

Freddie: Has Sam shown up?

Carly: No. Nobody's seen her all day.

Sam: [whispers to Carly and Freddie] Psst! Over here.

[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]

Carly: Where have you been?!

Sam: Getting stuff. [starts getting things out of her school bag] Here's a wig for you, [puts a wig on Carly's head] and a wig for you. [puts a wig on Freddie's head] Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. [gives them each a passport]

Freddie: What's this stuff for?

Sam: We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.

Carly: Sam.

Sam: Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!

Freddie: How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!

Sam: Pfft. [gets out a bag of jewelery] I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge.

[men in suits come round the corner]

Freddie: Uhh, I think it might be too late for that.

Man #1: Miss Shay, Mr Benson, Miss Puckett.

Sam: [In a deep manly voice] Puckett, uh, are you looking for Sam Puckett? She passed away. Funeral's Thursday bye. [begins to hurry off]

Man #1: Miss Puckett.

[Sam stops and turns around]

Sam: [throws her back pack onto the floor] Alright. [gets on her knees with her hands behind her head] Put the cuffs on loose would ya? I don't like it when they did into my wrist.

Man #2: Just come with us. [Pulls Sam up]

Carly: So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?

Mrs. Michelle Obama: No, not at all!

Spencer: She watched iCarly online last week.

Carly: No way!

Freddie: Seriously?!

Sam: For real?!

Michelle Obama: Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.

T-Bo: [walks through Carly and Spencer's front door] Wait, is she-

Spencer: Close it!

[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]

[T-Bo quickly leaves]

Sam: So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. [takes a small bow]

Freddie: You don't call her your excellency.

Mrs. Obama: No, no, I kinda like it.

[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]

Mrs. Obama: I came here to say, I'm proud of you.

Carly: Why are you proud of us?

Mrs. Obama: [points at Carly] Because of how much you care for your father, [then points at Sam and Freddie] and because of what you two did for your friend.

Freddie: You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?

Mrs. Obama: Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military.

Spencer: [puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders] Her husband is the president.

[Mrs. Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their towards Spencer]

Spencer: Sorry. [takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]

Michelle Obama: I'm on iCarly!

Michelle: [after winning a bag of nuts and bots on iCarly] Now I can finally finish that robot!

[a government agent comes up to her and whispers something in her ear]

Michelle: I'm not supposed to mention the robot?

Government Agent: No!

iToe Fat Cakes

[Gibby zips up his suitcase, then gets it up and pulls up the handle.]

Freddie: Why are you bringing a big suitcase? We're just going to Canada for the day.

Gibby: Yeah. So I brought some hair care products, uh, some extra batteries, a change of underpants.

[Freddie looks at the suitcase.]

Gibby: Is that a problem?

Freddie: [Looks at Gibby] No.

Gibby: That's what I thought.

Spencer: [Takes his jacket from a jacket hanger] Come on, guys. We gotta hit the road. [Puts on his jacket]

Sam: We don't have to be at the Fat Cake Factory 'til one.

Spencer: Yeah, but it's a two-hour drive. We gotta go through security at the border.

Gibby: Why? It's not like Canada's a different country.

[Pause.]

Freddie: Yes, it is.

Gibby: I thought it was like Idaho.

Spencer: Idaho's a state– in our country.

Gibby: Look, I don't need a lecture.

Sam: You sure you're not gonna come?

Carly: I want to but I already bailed on Lance twice and he's really cool. And if I bail again, he's gonna think I don't like him, and I really do like him. Besides, I haven't kissed a guy in four months. I'm gettin' itchy.

Freddie: What time's your date?

Carly: Handsome Lance is picking me up at five o'clock. With his car.

Gibby: So what are you gonna do 'til then?

Carly: Probably take a long hot bath, and I'll blow my hair out, maybe I'll do my nails–

Sam: Bye.

Freddie: Later.

Spencer: See ya.

Gibby: Gibbeh.

[Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby leave as Carly looks on.]

Carly: Just gotta be calm, sooner or later someone will come in here, help me get my toe unstuck... AND SEE ME NAKED!

Manager: Which of you would like to try a Canadian Fat Cake?

Gibby: Hey, I wouldn't mind-

[Sam kicks Gibby in the stomach and pushes him onto the floor]

Sam: May I?

Police Officer: What did you plan to do with all these Fat Cakes?

Sam: Send them on a trip down to my stomach, and I think we all know what would have happened to them after that.

Carly: [banging on a metal pole with the shower head] Help! Heelpp! Ausie Stance! Anyone?! Please! A cute boy is gonna be here any minute and I'm all wrinkled like an elderly raisin!! Urgh, this day could not get worse.

Mrs Benson: [walks into Carly's bathroom] Urgh, it's you!

Carly: Mrs Benson!

Mrs Benson: Will you stop banging and screaming? I heard you all the way from my apartment.

Carly: That was the point.

Mrs Benson: Oh, [gasps] You bathe in your sweatshirt too? I thought I was the only one.

Carly: I don't bathe in my sweatshirt, I got my toe stuck in the fauset.

Mrs Benson: How?

Carly: I saw some dumb person do it on the 'Dick Van Dike' show. C'mon, could you please just help me get it out?

Mrs Benson: [under her breath] Alright. I'll give it a yank. [sits down on the bath tub] Ready?

Carly: Okay, just be really careful ok-

Mrs Benson: [yanking on Carly's foot] Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Oww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Owww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Am I hurting you?

Carly: No I love it!!

[Carly's date walks in]

Lance: Hey, everything alright?

Carly: [shocked] Lance!

Lance: Sorry, I heard screaming so I thought I should come up?

Mrs Benson: [holding pepper spray] Put you hands down!

[Lance lowers his hands]

Mrs Benson: Who's the boy?

Carly: My date.

Lance: [to Carly in a quite flirty voice] Hey.

Carly: [trying to act flirty in the bath tub] Heeyy.

Sam: Blah blah blah blaaaaahh.

Spencer: I know you have a crush on me.

Sam: What?!

Spencer: Nothing.

[A Malaysian man takes a red suitcase through the border, unaware that it is Gibby's and that Sam is inside.]

Sam: [Inside the suitcase] Gibby?

Spencer: Okay, let's get outta here.

Freddie: Grab Sam, let's go.

Gibby: [Takes a red suitcase, unaware that it is the Malaysian man's and that Sam is not inside] Ooh. Sam's light.

Freddie: Come on!

Spencer: [Chanting] U-S-A!

[Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby make their way through the border.]

Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby: [Chanting, in unison] U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

[On a flight to Hong Kong with an airplane landing at Kai Tak Airport.]

Announcement: Thank you for flying Air Malaysia. We'll be landing shortly.

Sam: [Inside the suitcase] Freddie?! Spencer?! Gibby?! Are we still in Canada?!

External links

Wikipedia

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iCarly