Street thug: Mind your own fucking business old man.
David: Oh my god, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell, I mean your voice was much deeper that your bone structure.
Casey: These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone.
David: Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
Casey: So? Fuck you dude. [Note:Not clear who she says this to]
David: Okay, this was fun, carry on.
Kenny: Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.
Street thug 2: What the fuck are you gonna do about it white boy? You some type a hero? [Note:The street thug is caucasian]
David: No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along huh? What do you say? Move along?
Street thug: What are you, some kind of cop?
Kenny: No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.
Street thug: Really? [Holds up a switchblade]
David: Goddamnit, Kenny.
Street thug: Give me your bag pack.
David: I don't wanna fight.
Street thug: Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking neck, and take it.
David: Whew. So it's a real Sophie's Choice here huh? Alright, okay, back pack it is you want... [David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with street thugs in pursuit of him]
Casey: [Casey walking down the street in nonchalant tone] Hey sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still out tonight or what? [David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.]
Kenny: I can help. I'll call the cops. [To David slumped on apartment floor]
David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
Brad Gurglinger: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurglinger, right?
Brad: Although you are forgetting one thing.
Brad: You don't have a fucking choice.
[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
David: Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
David: No shit. Thanks dude.
Kenny: You could wear a disguise.
Kenny: A disguise.
David: Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my fucking face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
RV driver: Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
David: Yeah, fuck off real life Flanders.
[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
David: Holy fucking shit! Thank you dick heads!
[David tries to convince Rose to come with him on the trip but Rose declines]
Kenny: So, what has she said?
David: The fuck do you think? She said no.
Kenny: Cool. So it's like I guess a father and son bonding trip to Mexico.
David: Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way, absolutely no, we need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tommorow. I'm fucked.
Kenny: I know a girl.
[Casey is prying open cash deposits with a crowbar]
Casey: I don't get it. Whats in it for me.
David: Well I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good right?
Casey: Ok, but for a $1,000.
David: Ok, a $1,000 but that's it.
Casey: And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. cool?
David: Yeah, it's cool, yeah, it's fine but that's it. Kenny meet your new sister.
Kenny: This is great. I always want a sister. [Tightly hugs Casey]
Casey: Get it off me, get it off, get off.
Todd: I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. [Note:Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in]
Rose: What? That's totally illegal, Todd!
Todd: Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
Rose: You mean the Apple Store?
Todd: Yeah, and they're killing us.
Kimberly/Boner Garage: Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money! [Squeals]
Todd: Boner garage loves it.
Rose: I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. [Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice] Eviction notice. Fuck. [Looks at mail ad, 1950's woman]
[David, Kenny and Casey are waiting in a barbershop]
Kenny: So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean you being homeless and all I guess.
Casey: I'm not homeless fucktard, I have a home, but I left it because my parents...
David: Oh my god, shut up shut up shut up okay, please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now okay? I mean, I rented Precious on Netflix and I still don't watch the fucking thing. Actually here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy your self some new clothes, you know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage alright? Thank you whoaa whoa whoa stop stop stop. [Grabs Kenny and Casey] Kenny, you're fine. You already look like total dipshit. Here, you take it, you gonna need that [Hands cash to Casey] You look like Eminem from 8 Mile. [Casey flips David off] Kenny, go with her, make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic.
Barber: David Clark, okay, what are we doing today?
David: Yeah, I say give me some that says; "I get up every morning at 5.30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job and my jag off boss expect me to kisses balls all days just so i can afford to keep my ungratefull screaming kids decked out in Dora the Explorer shit and my wife working off a fat ass to self health videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth"
Corporate man:[Points to head] Uh, umm... right here.
David: Yeah, that's it, that's the one.
[Speaking to flight attendant]
David: We're the Millers. Well you know, yeah, I got my hands full here. Couple of typical teenagers.
Casey: Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girls issues like finals, and college applications and who am I gonna get take to prom? Plus, why I haven't got my period in like two months which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal. [Kenny spews out soda that he'd been drinking]
David: Oh, that's enough.
[Rose has agreed to go on the trip at the last moment and has walked onto the plane]
Rose: I want $30.000 now
David: No fucking way.
Rose: Ok! Have safe flight!
David: Wait! Ok, fine, fine. Blood sucker.
Rose: Alright, happy wife, happy life!
[Kenny has accidentally hit Casey in the face and Rose in the breast]
Rose: Don't think that you could ever...
David: Whoa whoa whoa, family meeting, lets go, get in the back go.
[David starts herding Kenny, Casey and Rose to the back of the plane]
Kenny: I didn't mean to hit her.
David: I don't care.
Casey: He hit me in the fucking face sir,
David: Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. [In the plane galley] What the fuck?! Are you kidding me with this shit!
Casey: Relax, Dorothy, Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think.
David: It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.
Rose: Hey, don't talk to her like that!
David: Rose, relax okay, the only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone mother, okay.
Rose: Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. [They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle] Lord we thank thee for the blessing on this family vacation may David find his bliss and bring all of us home safely may Kenny and Casey fortified their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devouted hearts and made this entire airplane find safe passage and aboundant full of life even the jews...amen
Flight attendant: That was a good one, that was beautiful, I wish my family was more like that.
David Clark: [on the phone] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
Brad Gurglinger: Why?
David Clark: Why?... Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
Brad Gurglinger: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?
Scottie P.: What's up dog?
David: Not much dog, what's up with you?
Scottie P.: I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?
David: Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.
[Casey and Scottie P. are about to leave]
Rose: Wait a second, hold on come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend
Casey: Are you kidding me?
Rose: I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?
Casey: What is going on?
Rose: So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?
Casey: Oh, Mom!
Scottie P.: I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying.
David: What the hell is a monkey maze?
Scottie P.: Oh, it's like terrifying death trap, but, for little kids.
David: Hey, thats are some cool tats, man.
Scottie P.: Ah, for real, thanks bro. You see the cobra?
David: What is these one? Whats the one right there?
Scottie P.: Oh, these, thats my credo. [Pulls down shirt collar to reveal "NO RAGRETS"]
David: No regrets; How 'bout that you have no regrets?
Casey: Dad... [Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hand]
Scottie P.: No. Not one.
David: Like not even single letter?
Scottie P.: No way... uh huh, at least, not me [laughs].
Casey: Dad... I love him.
David: I think he's great. I think he's real winner Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P. you're the man [High fives him]
Scottie P.: Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you man. Alright, you too. [Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite]
David: [To Rose] Come on, she'll gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.
Rose: We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't've called?
David: Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there; "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO".
Casey: Whoa, was that so hard to say, thank you, appreciate that.
David: Unbelieveable, she learned a new word Rose. Thank God.
Casey: "I'm sorry", He will be great.
David: Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my god you looks so much better.
Rose: Yeah, doesn't he looks better?
David: Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Lets go come on.
Kenny: Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.
Rose: Are you okay?
Kenny: I think so.
Rose: David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.
David: What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on Ken doll hop hop buddy, here we go here we go.
Rose: What the hell is wrong with you?
David: Whats wrong with me? Look this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours alright, and if you thinking I'm gonnna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo boos then you're out of your goddamned mind.
Rose: Whoa, wait a second, you're making half a millon dollars on this deal?
Rose: I can not believe you!
David: Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.
Rose: You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?
Casey: $30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!
Kenny: You guys are getting paid?
Scottie P.: What, come on girl. You texting me girl. You know what's up?
Rose: Scottie! Hey! get you hands off of her! Come here Casey. [To Scottie P.] And you put your hands on her one more time. I swear I will rip that fucking tattoo right off your chest! You know what I'm saying?
Scottie P.: Oh, really bitch?
Rose: Yeah, bitch!
Kenny: You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone man?
Scottie P.: What do you gonna do about it? Eye brows?
Scottie P.: Broke my nose. How aggresive, woman. You know what I'm saying? [Scottie P. walks away]
Casey: Are you okay?
Rose: I'm fine.
Casey: That was awesome, you just fucking decked him!
Rose: Yeah, well I just dealt with him like the assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get outta here. Thanks for the back up, Kenny. What's with the count? If you gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on the one.
Kenny: Well, David told me to count.
Rose: David? David hasn't punch anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way.
David: I have returned.
Casey: Go fuck yourself.
David: This is what I miss right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says; "Go fuck yourself" then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say; "you go fuck yourself", then Kenny's like; "I don't wanna fuck anybody".
Rose: We're not getting in the RV.
David: What? okay, okay. I know whats this is about, and I get it. We gonna split the $500,000, evenly, between the four of us. You guys get what i'm saying here. Kenny, you wanna be like this. Thats a lot of video games kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what i'm mean? Like whatever. You get $125.000, You get $125.000, you get a... you know, I'm like fuckin' Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay look, what do you want? you want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?