Wet Hot American Summer
- Well, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.
- McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?
- I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?
- [to Katie] I want you inside me!
- Wait, Katie! When we first started hanging out together this morning, we were just friends, but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. And, I ju-I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I-I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I-I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.
- You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.
- Oh, fuck my cock!
- Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.
- OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done.
- Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy's really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He's like this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story, like when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna Andy. I wanna take him and grab him and just fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you. But you're really nice, I mean everybody thinks so. And, I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us. I still totally wanna be friends. You better write me a letter, okay?
Can of Mixed Vegetables
- If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
- McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
- Arty: OK.
- McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
- Arty: Sure.
- McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
- Arty: I will.
- McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.
- Caped Boy: Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone? Alexa! Maybe you would like to join in? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.
- Alexa: In your dreams, douche-bag!
- Caped Boy: Douche-bags are hygienic products, I take that as a compliment. Thank you.
- [Caped Boy walks off]
- Alexa: Ewww!
- Mallrat Girl: There's got to be another way.
- Melvin: Maybe we should just let them all die.
- Mork Guy: No! My friend Jimmy's in there!
- Cure Girl: You have a friend?
- Mork Guy: I'm kidding.
- Susie: [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show] Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...
- Ben: Hmph!
- Susie: ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my balls, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living hell! [after a long pause and a glare from Beth] All right; I'll put him on last.
- Beth: Good.
- [Beth walks away]
- Susie: Oh, she always wins!
- Gene:...I've seen more fucked up shit out there in five minutes than you've seen in your whole life.
- Gary: Well, I'm sorry Gene, and if I could change history I would, but-
- Gene: Fuck you! Now we need fifteen gallons of bug juice by snack time, do you know where the powder packets are?
- Gary: Yeah.
- Gene: In the pantry above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream, Wait... Forget that last comment.
- Gary: Did you say dick cream?
- Gene: No! I said ... stick... team, you know stick team! Stickball! Go away leave me alone!
- Andy: You French great.
- Lindsay: You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.
- Gene: Now finish up them taters, I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.
- Gary: Come on - what?
- Gene: Finish up the taters.
- Gary: And then what did you say?
- Gene: And then what did I say?
- Gary: You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.
- Gene: Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said fondue with cheddar, I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.
- Gary: No Gene, that is not what you said.
- Gene: That is what I said. Fondue with cheddar.
- J.J.: He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues. You know he's never been with a girl before.
- Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate" And I think you know what I'm talking about.
- J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?
- Gary: No, dickhead. Sex.
- Lindsay: Hey, what'cha writin on?
- Andy: My gurnal. I write my thoughts in it every day.
- Lindsay: Oh, you mean a journal?
- Andy: Yeah, whatever. Guess I'm not all smart like you.
- Gail: I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!
- Beth: Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons!
- Susie: You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place.
- Coop: Me, too.
- Ben: Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
- Lindsay: Yeah!
- Ben: What time do you wanna meet?
- J.J.: You mean ten years from now?
- Ben: Yeah.
- Coop: Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
- Susie: Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?
- Coop: Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
- McKinley: Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? I mean, we're all gonna be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
- Gary: Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?
- Together: Agreed.
- McKinley: Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00.
- Gary: You've just got like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?
- McKinley: No, I just, I have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.
- Katie: Well, I just wanna spend some time with you, you know? It's our last day at camp.
- Andy: My butt itches.
- Katie: What are you talking about. Hey, we're soulmates right?
- Andy: What? Yeah, whatever, if you want... J.J. save me a waffle man!
- Beth: Hey you, penny for your thoughts.
- Henry: Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.
- Beth: Don't tell me, Oh don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!
- Henry: No... Well, yes, but that's not the point.
- High Times. Hard Bodies. Soft Rock.
- It was the last day of summer camp. It was the first day of the third week in August.
- Janeane Garofalo - Beth
- David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman
- Molly Shannon - Gail von Kleinenstein
- Paul Rudd - Andy
- Christopher Meloni - Gene
- Michael Showalter - Gerald "Coop" Cooperberg / Alan Shemper
- Marguerite Moreau - Katie
- Michael Ian Black - McKinley
- w:Zak Orth - J.J.
- A.D. Miles - Gary
- Elizabeth Banks - Lindsay
- Ken Marino - Victor
- Joe Lo Truglio - Neil
- Amy Poehler - Susie
- Kevin Sussman - Steve
- Bradley Cooper - Ben
- Marisa Ryan - Abby
- Judah Friedlander - Ron
- H. Jon Benjamin - Can of Mixed Vegetables
- Jared Reiter - Roger the Master Broom Balancer