You Don't Mess with the Zohan
- I like this, being inside the outside.
- I like hair. It's pleasant. It's peaceful. No one gets hurt.
- It's nice to have a little talk before the Bang-Boom.
- I just want to make hair silky-smooth.
- You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
- I bang your mother one more time, then we go disco.
- Michael: Whoa, what are you, bionic?
- Zohan: No, no, no, I only like the girls. Thanks anyways.
- Palestinian immigrant: People hate us. They think we're terrorists.
- Israeli immigrant: People hate us, too. They think we're you.
- Zohan: [to executive] You like to insult people? [kick-punches him]
- Executive: Was that your feet? [gets kicked again]
- Zohan: Yes, it was the feet. The feet uppercut!
- The Phantom (commercial): Everybody's running to Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen! for the food that heroes eat. Kubeh, sambousek, delicious Muchentuchen! You never know who you meet! You are going to get spoiled. ALLAH!!!!!
- [Salim and his pals go to a medical store to get liquid nitroglycerin to kill Zohan.]
- Clerk: So, how can I help you gentlemen?
- Salim: [takes out paper from pocket and reads] We wants lee-khwa-heed kny-troha-gesawin!
- Clerk: I beg your pardon? [Salim repeats the words] Uh, I think I have some over here [places a box of Neosporin in front of them] There you go. This is the large container.
- Salim: This work?
- Clerk: Yes, it works fine.
- Salim You use?
- Oli Ballsack.
- Clerk: Yes, from time to time. Sure!
- Salim: [smiling at his friends and then whispering to the clerk] We take twelve!
- Buisnessman: Listen, I am really late for a hotel opening downtown, the Wallbridge hotel.
- Zohan: I understand sir. I know the neighborhood inside and backwards. We will not let them stop us.
- Buisnessman: What?
- Zohan: (Whilst screeching the limo round a corner on two wheels) You want some coffee back there?