Zoey 101 (2005–2008) This popular teen show on Nickelodeon stars Jamie Lynn Spears as Zoey, one of the first girls to attend a previously all-boys boarding school called Pacific Coast Academy. Her younger brother, Dustin, also attends PCA and she has many friends there including Nicole, Chase, Michael, and Quinn.
- 1 Season 1: 13 Episodes
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3:
- 3.1 Suprise
- 3.2 Chase's Girlfriend
- 3.3 Hot Dean
- 3.4 Zoey's Tutor
- 3.5 The Great Vince Blake
- 3.6 Silver Hammer Society
- 3.7 Michael Loves Lisa
- 3.8 Zoey's Balloon
- 3.9 Chase's Grandma
- 3.10 Quarantine
- 3.11 Dance Contest
- 3.12 Favor Chain
- 3.13 Zoey's Ribs
- 3.14 Drippin' Episode
- 3.15 Son Of A Dean
- 3.16 Miss PCA
- 3.17 Logan Gets Cut Off
- 3.18 Goodbye Zoey?
- 4 Season Four
- 5 Chasing Zoey
- 6 External links
Season 1: 13 Episodes
Welcome To PCA
- Zoey: How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?
(A few raise their hands)
- Zoey: How many of you would say you're good at basketball?
- Quinn: Um, I once made a basketball explode!
- Zoey: (to Chase) My hero.
- Dana: Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!
- Nicole: Works for me.
- Nicole: Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl who can play on this team?
- Coach: I think everyone has noticed it
- Nicole: But that's my stuff!
(Dana glares at her)
- Nicole: That I'll be moving.
- Chase: Better be going. Oh, and watch out.
- Zoey: Why watch out?
- Chase: Well it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.
- Zoey: Like hanging your bike from a tree?
- Chase: Huh? Oh man; PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.
- Zoey: Later.
- Chase: Oh and I forgot to say: Welcome to PCA.
- Zoey: Go save your bike.
- Chase: Right.
- Zoey: Ok, Logan, tell ya what: I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.
- Logan: You serious?
- Nicole: Zoey!
- Zoey: I'm serious.
- Logan: Good. This Friday?
- Zoey: Why not?
- Logan: Then, you're on!
- Zoey: Good!
- Michael: Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.
- Chase: And cake.
- Zoey: Oh, so you guys just want pizza.
- Chase: And cake!
- Logan: Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.
- Zoey: And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!
- Dana: Can I play?
- Zoey: Um, we kind of already have a full team.
- Quinn: Bye!
- Zoey: I guess you're in.
- Nicole: You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"
- Quinn: Is suckish a word?
- Logan: Hope you girls have learned your lesson!
- Coach: I sure have, how would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?
- Dustin: Psst, Zoey, psst!
- Zoey: Dustin?
- Dustin: Good Luck! But I can't root for you.
- Zoey: Why not?
- Dustin: Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!
- Zoey: Don't let them scare you!
- Dustin: Too late, I'm way past scared, anyway, good luck!
- Nicole: (about the urinal) Why is it here?
- Zoey: Because this used to be a boy's dorm.
- Nicole: Well, it creeps me out.
- Zoey: You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.
- Nicole: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So how do they sit on it?
- Chase: (points to Jim)...Jim
- Zoey: That's the gym?
- Chase: Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!
- Zoey: 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.
- Chase: Jim's good people.
- Nicole: You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!
- Zoey: No, you're not.
- Nicole: OK.
- Zoey: You play sports?
- Nicole: Is shopping a sport?
- Zoey: No.
- Nicole: Then no.
- Dana: It's my bed.
- Nicole: It's my head.
- Zoey: Stop it. You know what Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!
- Zoey: Aaaah! Quinn!
- Quinn: Yeah?
- Zoey: What are you doing?!
- Quinn: Monitoring your dreams... I think you might be having a nightmare.
- Zoey: I am now!
- Zoey: Okay,Since I'm such a horrible roomate then maybe I should move out!
- Michael: Save me!
- Chase: From what?
- Michael: (Points to Quinn) From that!
- Zoey: Maybe sometime you could hang out with me and my roommates!
- Quinn: Aren't they the ones always fighting?
- Chase: Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball,we could knit or something . . .
- Zoey: (laughs) I like fooseball.
- Chase: Yeah, Fooseball's cool.
- Zoey: What, I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two (Nicole and Dana) trying to bludgeon each other?
- Nicole: We have to be at class by 8!
- Dana: Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!
- Quinn: It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."
- Zoey: Oh, that's very . . . "quinnteresting"!
- Zoey: Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."
- Chase: Quinnventions?
- Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "inventions."
- Chase: Ah! So she's... "quinnsane"!
- Michael: Sup Chase?
- Chase: Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)
- Michael: Whose the rose for?
- Chase: Oh this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.
- Michael: Thats nice man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?
- Chase: That's an idea!!
- Chase: Look, don't tell Logan.
- Zoey: So you want to see if my food is happy?
- Quinn: Happy, sad, angry, frightened...
- Chase: I'm frightened!
- Zoey:Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!
- Quinn: Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?
- Zoey: I don't iron my underwear...
- Quinn: Whatever.
- Dana: Yeah, she's a good one!
- Zoey: At least we don't fight all the time!
- Dana: Neither do we.
- Nicole: Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.
- Dana: (puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!
- Zoey: That's good for you. Bye!
- Dana: (Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!
- Nicole: Slob!
- Dana: Jerk!
- Nicole: UGHH!!!
- Zoey: Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.
- Dustin: What about you?
- Chase: Sorry kid if I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So i'm outta luck and so are you!
- Dustin: What did he say?
- Zoey: No!
- Quinn: Logan's such a jerk.
- Nicole: A very cute jerk.
- Zoey: Why would I spread rumors about myself?
- Nicole: To trick us!
- Zoey: Nicole!
- Chase: Hey, Kazu!
- Kazu: You're late!
- Chase: I'm 10 minutes early!
- Kazu: No back sass!
- Chase: Okay... just put the knife down!
- Zoey: We'll drive him... to Mexico!
- Logan: Did she say Mexico?
- Michael: Si!
- Zoey: (on cell phone in phony southern accent) Excuse me sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.
- Mr. Callahan: Um, I didn't order any mustard.
- Zoey: Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.
- Mr. Callahan: Who could eat that much mustard?
- Zoey: That's none of my business! So what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?
- Mr. Callahan: But I don't even like mustard!
- Zoey: Then, why'd you order so much?
- Mr. Callahan: I didn't...
- Quinn: (scans bear) That jerk!
- Zoey: What?
- Quinn: Let's go!
(Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)
- Zoey: Well?
- Quinn: That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!
- Nicole: I knew it! What does that mean?
- Zoey: In English?
- Quinn: There's a webcam in that bear!
- Nicole: I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.
- Zoey: Did you have anything to do with it?
- Chase: Uh, come in?
- Zoey: Did you put a camera in the bear?
- Chase: Uh, no, I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.
- Nicole: Hey Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?
- Quinn: How do you play?
- Zoey: Okay, so you roll the dice...
- Quinn: Yeah...
- Dana: And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...
- Nicole: And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.
- Quinn: Like eat a poisonous bug?
- Zoey: Stressful... not lethal.
- Zoey: You're working with Logan now?
- Chase: Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.
- Logan: I'm trying to train you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.
- Zoey: Good. Now that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!
- Logan: 'Sup ladies!
- Zoey: We were just talking about you.
- Logan: Can't blame you.
- Nicole: (breaks vase over Kazu's head)
- Zoey: Lets tie him up! Put him in the closet! Then we'll put him in the trunk of his car and drive him to Mexico!
- Logan: Did they just say Mexico?!?!
- Michael: Si!
- Zoey:And then we'll blame it all on... LOGAN!!
- Logan: Me? They're gonna blame it all on me!?!?
- Michael:Yeah! You should go tell Dean Rivers!
- Chase: You gotta hide Elvis.
- Nicole: Who's Elvis?
- Chase: Our dog!
- Zoey: Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?
- Chase: Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.
- Michael: But our DA smelled a dog!
- Chase: DA, short for Dorm Adviser.
- Zoey: I know.
- Chase: OK...that's short for okay
- Zoey: Stop it!
- Michael: Well anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.
- Chase: (To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?
- Zoey: No, not by a big, dumb bully.
- Chase: Well then maybe its time. Oh yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.
- Zoey: Quit it!
- Chase: Give me your lunch money or I'll....Oww, did you bite me?
- Zoey: Maybe
- Chase: Oh its on
- Chase: You're fast!
- Zoey: Maybe you're just slow.
- Chase: Harsh
- Janitor: I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand?!?
- Keith: Yeah,except for the giraffe part.
- Chase: You know what I'm saying?
- Michael: You don't even know what you're saying!
- Zoey: Chase, Thank you so much!
- Chase: It’s ok, but actually it wasn’t me.
- Zoey: Michael?
- Michael: Not me.
- Zoey: Then who was it?
(Chase and Michael point to Logan)
- Zoey: Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?
- Logan: If you weren't around who else would I pick on
- Dean Rivers: I'm not going to ask you again who did this
- Chase: Technicaly Sir. you just asked again
- Dean Rivers: Chase!
- Chase: Sorry...
- Nicole: (crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!
- Zoey: I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.
- Nicole: No they're all dumb and gross.
- Zoey: Hey Quinn did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.
- Quinn: Can't talk. Plotting revenge.
- Nicole: I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)
- Zoey: Aw its a bunny with a PCA shirt on!
- Logan: Chase picked it out
- Chase: Why do you tell people?
- Logan: Do girls know anything?
- Dana: I know how to make you cry
- Logan: What are you gonna do? kiss me?
- Dana: You wish!
- Logan: Yeah I do! (laughs)
- Mr. Savage: Do you know what this is?
- Chase: Some kind of scooter?
- Mr. Savage: (Buzzing noise) Wrong!
- Chase: Sorry.
- Quinn: Where's the off button on this?
- Dana: Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.
- Quinn: True.
- Zoey: (on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!
- Chase: (to Michael) I rock!
- Michael: You´re OK.
- Nicole: You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!
- Dana: What?!
- Zoey: What?!
- Nicole: I didn't know what to say!
- Zoey: Well tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.
- Chase: I did.
- Zoey: And?
- Chase: He gave me 50 dollars to shut up.
- Mr. Bender: Okay! shut up. so why are you guys fighting?
- Chase: Uh.... Uh.... he said.... he said I have bushy hair!
- Mr. Bender: Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.
- Logan: Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.
- Zoey: You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.
- Chase: It's true it happened to me once.
- Logan: Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?
- Chase: Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team, they're not hot.
- Michael: I don't know. Dave,the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude.
(Chase and Logan give him weird looks)
- Michael: I've said too much.
(knocks on Zoey's door)
- Dustin: Hey is Zoey here?
- Dana: No.
- Dustin: Well do you know where she is?
- Dana: Nope.
- Dustin: Cuz I think I'm sick and I was wondering if--
(Dana shuts the door in his face)
- Michael: Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?
- Chase: Yeah, so?
- Michael: So, if it's bothering you so much then change it.
- Chase: Change it?
- Michael: Write a different ending.
- Chase: I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genious in short pants! (runs off)
- Michael: I have my moments.
- Mr. Fletcher: Kill? Kill?!
- Chase: Yeah, see it's actually supposed to say "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "sassafras". I wrote "lallafral"!
- Nicole: He really is awesome?
- Chase: (sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?
- Zoey: I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.
- Nicole: Ooh. She's starting to like him.
- Dana: Ya'think?
- Chase: What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?
- Zoey: Yeah, I mean...
- Chase: You mean what?
- Zoey: I don't know. Mabye I do like him...
- Chase: Ok I got to go.
- Zoey: Where are you going?
- Chase: To take a bath. What difference does it make?
- Quinn: Hi, Mark.
- Mark: Oh, hey, Clint.
- Chase: Quinn.
- Quinn: Did you say, "Clint"?
- Chase: He said "Quinn."
- Mark I said "Clint."
- Quinn: Who's Clint?
- Chase: He meant Quinn.
- Zoey: My friend, Quinn, thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?
- Mark: No.
- Zoey: Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.
- Mark: (Looks at Quinn) No.
- Quinn: Okay, so what do I do?
- Zoey: Just pretend Chase is a guy.
- Chase: Uh, thanks.
- Quinn: What did he say? Please say he said yes, I would be the happiest person in the world if he said yes, tell me he said yes, please.
- Zoey: Ummm...He said YES.
- Dana: What's your problem?
- Zoey: Remember when I said "Mark said yes" He said NO.
- Nicole: NO!!!
- Zoey: YES.
- Nicole: YES.
- Nicole: Yes, wait I'm confused.
- Dana: Did he say Yes or No?
- Zoey: He said No.
- Dana: No, then why did you tell her he said Yes.
- Zoey: Because, I panicked.
- Dana: You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.
- Zoey: I can't... it'll break her heart, her weird little heart.
- Quinn: Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend! I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!
- Mark: But...
- Quinn: I said "Good day"!
- Courtney: Mark! You're on a date with HER?
- Mark: No! I'm... on a date with Chase!
- Chase: Um, it's true. We had a picnic.
- Zoey: Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.
- Courtney: Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me Mark! We are done!
- Quinn: Did you know that female spiders usually eat their offspring?
- Chase: Huh?
- Quinn: Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?
- Chase: Holy Dolby Digital!
- Quinn: Want to see my sixth toe?
- Chase: MAKE IT STOP!
- Chase: I wonder who invented the meatball
- Zoey: How do you mean invented?
- Chase: Well some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said "Yes meat is good but it would be even better in ball form"
- Zoey: (About Mark) Go talk to him
- Quinn: Oh, I dunno I'm not very good at talking to guys
- Zoey: It's easy. It's just like talking to girls but you gotta use smaller words
- Chase: No more Grass, I can't take it!!
- TV: Coming up next...weeds
- Announcer: And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"
- Nicole: Okay, why are we watching this?
- Dustin: I hate this experiment!
- Quinn: I heard that!
- Dustin: GOOD!
- Nicole: Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?
- Zoey: Of course, boys love to smash things.
- Michael: It's true!
- Chase: We do enjoy the smashing!
- Dana: Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.
- Nicole: What do you think he'll say?
- Zoey: He'll probably start with, give me my four-thousand dollars back!
- Dustin: Is it true?
- Zoey: What?
- Dustin: That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?
- Dana: Sorry, but Drake's not coming.
- Dustin: How come?
- Nicole: His manager wants 5000 bucks.
- Dustin: So get it.
- Dana: (sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.
- Chase: (to Drake) Hey you're Drake Bell!
- Drake: Yes, I am.
- Chase: Hey it's him!
- Michael: You're you!
- Drake: I'm me.
- Manager: (to Drake) You are.
- Michael: (Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!
- Zoey: Huh? What rabbit?
- Michael: [sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deals goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.
- Chase: Massage my shoulders.
- Michael: Are you out of your mind?
- Chase: Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.
- Michael: Well these headphones are hurting my ears! What you wanna massage my ear hole?
- Chase: (Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!
- Michael: (gasp)
- Chase: What do you do? A. Find a new best friend, B. Push her down a flight of stairs, or C....
- Zoey: What? It doesn't say that!
- Chase: Well yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!
- Michael: I pick B....Down the stairs she goes!
- Chase:(about new jukebox) Yep that's definitely juketastic!
- Zoey: (gives Chase weird look)
(a few seconds later)
- Michael: (about new jukebox) Man that's juketastic!
- Coach: All right. Mr. Matthews you just bought yourself another lap.
- Chase: Can I return it?
- Mr. Bender: (After hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring) Read the message.
- Zoey: (Reading) Hey, Zo do you think Mr.Bender knows his zipper's down?
Little Beach Party
- Dana: You got a signal?
- Michael: No, only sand in my butt!
- Zoey: (to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?
- Logan: Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.
- Dustin: No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!
- Zoey: Dustin, are you sure?
- Dustin: Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?
- Dustin: Will you tell me where babies come from?
- Zoey: Absolutely not.
Back to P.C.A.
- Chase: Can you at least turn the volume down!
- Logan: Why don't you turn your mouth down!
- Michael: give me the hamburger I'll eat it.
- Chase: Michael!
- Logan: What's up?
- Michael: Mah boys!
- Logan: So, how was your summer, man?
- Chase: Yeah, I've missed seeing your freakish face every day!
- Michael: Heh yeah, and I've missed your big bushy hair...Hey did it get bushier?
- Chase: It's possible.
- Chase: Hey, Zoey! You look great!
- Zoey: You too! (she stops for a bit and looks at him again) ...Did your hair get bushier?
- Chase: I've heard that.
- [Michael is testing Chase on the capitals of US States while Logan's entertainment system booms very loudly around them]
- Michael: Alabama!
- Chase: Uh... Capital would be Montgomery!
- Michael: What?!
- Chase: MONTGOMERY!!!
- Michael: Right, OK... Tennessee!
- Chase: Uh... Memphis!
- Michael: No, Nashville!
- Chase: What?!
- Michael: NASHVILLE!!!
- Chase: Who's Phil?!
- Michael: OK, I can't take this!
- [Chase and Michael purposely blow the power in their room (While Dustin is trying to win a video game)]
- Chase: Good night Michael.
- Michael: Sleep tight Chase.
- Logan: You guys are the worst.
- [After a pause]
- Dustin: [crying] Soooooo close.
- Michael: That's you?! (pointing to Mr. Bender as a student in a PCA yearbook from the 80s. In the picture, Mr. Bender has an afro, a mustache, and big glasses) Ha ha ha ha ha! (Mr. Bender gives him a look) You were very handsome.
- Lola: I doubt it, this shirt will always be hot
- Logan: Yeah it will.
- Lola: Try not to drool.
- Chase: Whoa, Mr. Bender...you used to be a cheerleader?
- Michael: Whoa. (all the students look at the book)
- Mr. Bender: There were no girls here then. (they continue laughing)
- Mr. Bender: Lola, what'd you bring? [Lola act that she is crying] Oh my gosh, what's...the matter? What's wrong?
- Lola: You're just gonna have to give me a zero for this project!
- Mr. Bender: Why? You didn't pick an item?
- Lola: No, I did. It was a locket that my grandmother gave me, before she...LEFT US! [she cries more]
- Mr. Bender: Oh my gosh; I'm so sorry!
- Lola: My dad tells me I'm just like her! So I thought the locket would be a perfect thing to put in the time capsule! But...
- Mr. Bender: But what?
- Lola: I just can't! It's all I have left of her!
- Mr. Bender: It's okay, it's okay...
- Lola: I'm so sorry!
- Mr. Bender: Look...you obviously gave the assignment a lot of thought, and that's the important thing.
- Lola: Really?
- Mr. Bender: Of course, of course. Don't worry, i'm gonna give you full credit for the assignment.
- Lola: Thank you so much! [Zoey and Nicole look amazed as Lola walks up to them] Acting!
- Nicole: Can't we eat sushi together in a closet?
- Chase: Don't you know that girls don't mean half the things they say!?
- Announcer: Chase Matthews wants to be your class president. But how well do you really know Chase Matthews? For example, do you know he eats out of garbage cans? Or that he shaves his legs? Or that he picks on little girls? Is this the kind of guy you want for class president? No! On Tuesday, vote Zoey Brooks for class president. She's awesome!
- Zoey: (angrily) You're unbelievable!
- Logan: Thank you.
- Zoey: Are you trying to scare them to death?
- Logan: Yeah, pretty much.
- Chase: (trying to scare Zoey and Nicole) Blah!
- Zoey: Oh, hi Chase!
- Nicole: Hi, Chase!
- Chase: What, you weren't scared?
- Zoey: Why would we be scared of a magician?
- Chase: A magician? No, no. I'm a vampire!
- (Logan comes)
- Logan: Hey, Mr. Magic!
- Chase: I am a vampire! You guys wanna see my receipt for the costume?
- Zoey: (pulling the door) It's locked!
- Chase: What d'ya mean it's locked?
- Zoey: What d'ya mean what do I mean? When I say it's locked, it's locked, how many definitions of locked are there?
- Zoey: But why would Trisha like you?
- Chase: Well, I guess she somehow overlooked my terrible personality and hideous face.
- Logan: (on television) Hello, my name is Logan Reese.
- Zoey: I'm Zoey Brooks.
- Logan: Today we're gonna talk about some interesting topics. First: Girls in sports. Now, I think it's fine if girls wanna have their own little sports teams but they should not be allowed to play in the guys teams! Zoey?
- Zoey: Yeah, you're right...
- Logan: Huh?
- Zoey: I said you're right!
- Logan: Okay... Lets move on to our next topic then... Oh, yeah. Ordering at restaurants. I say girls take way too much time to order food. (with a girly voice) "Uh, I'm a girl. I'll have a chopped salad but I want the lettuce on the side!" Guys are just like "Give me a cheeseburger!" End of story! Zoey?
- Zoey: I agree...
- Logan: Okay... For our next topic let's talk about... Eating kittens! I feel people should eat more kittens! Eating little kitty cats for breakfast! Do you agree with that Zoey, hmm?
- Chase: (in the Chase and Michael show) Would a woman make a better president of the United States than a man?
- Logan: Absolutely not!
- Zoey: You're an idiot!
- Logan: A woman can not be president of the United States!
- Zoey: Name one reason!
- Logan: Because girls are too emotional! Everytime she gets a pimple she'll cry and start a war with Switzerland!
Girls Will Be Boys
- Zoey: Maybe we ought to prove to Chase and Logan that guys can be just guys even when girls are around.
- Lola: How are we gonna do that?
- Zoey: By being around them when they don't know we are around.
- Nicole: But if we are around them trying to prove it well be around them and were girls so they'll be around girls when were trying t-
- Lola: Maybe you should let Zoey talk.
- Zoey: I'm saying what if one of us pretends to be a guy.?
- Nicole: Ok, 4 problems with that: hair, face, boobs.
- Lola: That's 3 problems.
- Nicole: 2 boobs.
- Zoey: We can get around those problems.
- Lola: It would be the ultmate acting role.
- Lola: Hey, can you turn up the music?
- Chase: Yeah, sure... Hey, cool boombox!
- Lola: Thanks, I just got it.
- Chase: (after that he accidentally pushed down the boombox from the roof into the ground) Was it expensive?
- Lola: OK. Make me a dude.
- Nicole: You really think you can convince Chase and Logan that you’re a guy?
- Lola: Easy. Chase is gullible and Logan’s a moron.
- Chase: All right! Let's go kick some bot!
- Logan: (in a computerized voice) I am the Dolby Digi-Quinn. I must go get a sprocket from my home planet, Dorkon! I am the Dolby Digi-Quinn from Dorkon!
- Quinn: I really would like to help, but I just don't believe in using my gift of science for violence.
- Zoey: That was really mean, Logan.
- Quinn: Thanks for sticking up for me, Zoey.
- Logan: I'm sorry I did not mean can you forgive me and will I see you tonight Zoey?
- Zoey throws a pillow at him maybe smiles
Lola Likes Chase
- Lola: Ok, who is she?
- Chase: Who is who?
- Lola: The girl you like.
- Chase: What makes you think I like someone?
- Lola: 'Cause I'm smart. So who is she? Does she go to PCA?
- Chase: Uh... no. She's... from my hometown. Back home... in my town.
- Lola: [as she is about to leave] ...So, which would you rather do?
- Chase: Huh?
- Lola: Be locked in a cage with a wild tiger, or lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot?
- Chase: Oh, easy. Peanut butter off a hobo's foot.
- Lola: Why?
- Chase: Because, I'm scared of tigers, and I love peanut butter. [Lola giggles]
- Lola: When I'm acting, I'm playing a role.
- Chase: So, just treat biology like an acting role! You know, play the part of a girl who's really good at biology!
- Lola: That's pretty smart.
- Chase: Well, i'm your tutor. I'm not supposed to say stupid stuff! [Lola laughs]
- Chase: See, I told you you could do it. [Lola smiles, and laughs. He picks up a flower and gives it to her] For you.
- Lola: Why are you giving me a flower?
- Chase: So you can take it back to your dorm and study it.
- Lola: [gives it back to him] Yeah, I don't think I want to.
- Chase: Why not?
- Lola: There's a spider on it.
- Chase: Eah! [he drops it, and starts beating it with his tennis racket. Lola laughs, then he kicks it and she laughs some more]
- (Chase walks into the room, where Michael is listening to music on his Gio)
- Chase: Michael. Michael! MICHAEL! (he takes the earbuds out of the Gio)
- Michael: You interrupted tune time!
- Chase: Lola asked me out!
- Michael: Well, my goodness.
- Chase: Yeah.
- Michael: You were RIGHT to interrupt tune time.
- Chase: Dude, this is serious!
- Michael: I'm being serious! Lola's hot!
- Chase: So, you think I should go out with her.
- Michael: Sounds like a good idea to me.
- Chase: Zoey! Would you rather...be stuck in an elevator for three days, or...make out with a monkey?
- Zoey: Stuck in an elevator. I ain't kissing a monkey!
- Chase: Baby.
- Zoey: Let's see you kiss a monkey!
- Chase: Bring me a monkey.
- Zoey: Maybe I will!
- Chase: Okay. Photosynthesis is the process by which plants use energy from sunlight to produce sugar. Which converts into-
- Lola: You wanna go out with me?
- Chase: Huh. Wow, that question had almost nothing to do with photosynthesis.
- Logan: Okay, tell you what. We'll take you to see Restless in Love, but you girls are paying.
- Tracy: Actually, you know what i'd rather see?
- Logan: What?
- Tracy: The jerk in the fountain.
- Logan: Jerk in the fountain? What are you-[she pushes him into the fountain]
Spring Break-Up: TV Movie
- Michael: Dude, everyone on planet Earth knows you love Zoey. The people on Neptune know it. Yeah, they're up there right now on Neptune saying: [in alien voice] Hey, did you know Chase loves Zoey? Why yes I do, the whole galaxy knows; Nahahahaha.
- Chase: You talk SO much.
- Michael: The only person who doesn't know you love Zoey is Zoey. Why don't you just tell her already?
- Chase: Because I don't want Zoey to know I love... [Logan shows up] brustlesprouts!
- Chase: I told you, I'm not going to tell you what happened last night. I sent you a text.
- Michael: No you didn't.
- Chase: Yeah I did. See? [hands Michael TechMate]
- Michael: (nervously) Uh, you didn't send it to me.
- Chase: I didn't?
- Michael: No.
- Chase: Then, you'd I send it to?
- Michael: Z-Zoey.
- Chase: (nervously) Z-Zoey?
- Michael: [noddes slowly]
- Chase: [grabs TechMate] Zoey?! Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Michael. Oh my God!
- Coach Keller:(running out of the sushi bar with a fire extinguisher in one hand and a clipboard in the other) Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Kazu, your grill is on fire!
- Kazu: Fire!? (He runs up the stairs. The others try to follow him until he stops them.) No, stay back! Pull the fire alarm!
- Michael: Where's the fire alarm?
- All(except Kazu and Coach Keller): Over there! (Zoey, Nicole, Lola, Chase, Logan, and Michael run to the fire alarm. Kazu runs up the stairs to Coach Keller.)
- Lola: Fire!
- Logan: Oh, my goodness! (Zoey pulls a fire alarm. In the sushi bar, the fire is spreading. Morning comes, and the firefighters have put out the fire and are carrying everything out. Chase and Nicole come up to Dean Rivers and a depressed Kazu.)
- Chase: Morning Kazu.
- Nicole: How bad was the fire?
- Zoey: Look, we all feel bad enough about the fire!
- Coach Keller: Feeling bad doesn't fill my gut with raw fish, now does it, cupcake?! I am TICKED OFF!
- Chase: Have you ever thought about an anger management class?
- Coach Keller: That's it, Matthews. You just got yourself a slice of revenge pie!
- Michael: Don't you think you're being a little hard on the boy?
- Coach Keller: You too, Starky! Revenge pie!
- Lola: You're going back to Japan?
- Kazu: Alabama. I'm from Birmingham.
- Lola: Oh.
- Logan: Did Quinn just walk past here with an alpaca?
- Zoey: Yeah, she sure did.
- Logan: Weird.
- Secretary: Dean Rivers, your wife is here to see you.
- Dean Rivers: My wife? Uh, tell her I'm not here!
- Secretary: Mrs. Rivers, he's not in there.
- Mrs. Rivers: Don't give me that! Carl! [she enters Dean's room with a bill] Carl, what kind of grown man spends $2000 on video games?! Carl?!?! CARL?!?!?!?!?
- Dean Rivers: [takes the voice command machine from under his desk] Dogs!
- [a siren goes off, and dog barking noises are made. Mrs. Rivers panics, and runs out screaming]
- Dean Rivers: Thank you, Quinn.
- Teacher: Chase, Michael, Logan, you've been whispering to yourselves the whole class!
- Chase: I apologize.
- Logan: A-ha!
- Chase: "Z".
- Logan: Oh.
- [Chase and Michael are eating with Nicole and Lola]
- Chase: Quinn actually...tried to leave PCA?
- Michael: To go...be with her....alpaca
- Lola: Okay, how long is this gonna go on?
- Nicole: Yeah, will one of you use a word with "s" in it already so we can have a normal conversation?
- Chase: No. I am determined to go longer than Michael and Logan without uttering that letter.
- Lola: Could this be more annoying?
- Nicole: No.
- Lola: I'm gonna trick Logan into losing so we don't have to listen to these guys talk like idiots anymore.
- Michael: Hey! Lola called we the plural of idiot.
- Chase: I...am offended.
- Nicole: Okay, did Michael just run by here wearing a bikini top?
- Lola: And a hula skirt?
- Chase: Uh-huh.
- Logan: He did.
- Zoey: Weirder.
- Michael: Did you tell Zoey yet?
- Chase: Not yet.
- Michael: Man, when you gonna tell her?
- Chase: Soon.
- Michael: You better.
- Chase: I'm gonna tell her.
- Logan: Tell who, what?
- Michael: You that you're annoying. [he pushes Logan, and the two start to fight in the hall]
- Chase: We aren't even two hours in the new school year and you guys are already about to kill each other!
- Logan: No!
- Michael: Oh, I'm about to kill him though!
- Chase: What's up with all the items?
- Zoey: Quinn's gonna be our new roommate for a while.
- Chase: Oh, oh! (sees that Quinn is looking at him) Oh! Heh, how nice! For all of you!
- Chase: I have run all over this freakish campus with ninety pounds of stuff and I'm about to start coughing up blood!
[while Quinn is unpacking her stuff]
- Zoey: Umm, Quinn? Listen since we're gonna be living together for a while, maybe we should go over a few... you know... rules.
- Lola: Yeah, like? No poison chemicals...
- Zoey: No nuclear experiments...
- Lola: No genetic mutations...
- Zoey: No cloning us without our permission... [Quinn picks up a jar with some green goo)
- Lola: And...no that!
- Zoey: Whatever that is...
- Quinn: Geez, are we gonna have ANY fun?
- Dustin: (breaks up the boxing fight) Hey, what are you doing!
- Logan: (exhausted) We've been... boxing... to see...
- Michael: (also exhausted) ... Who gets... the single bed...
- Dustin: Why don't you just flip a coin?
- Zoey: In love with me?! Chase?!
- Lola: (sarcastic) No, me. Marry me, Zoey. Please be my wife!
- Lola: Ginny, come here!
- Ginny: What's up?
- Lola: 'Blank' is in love with Zoey, fill in the blank.
- Ginny: Chase...
- Lola: Thanks for playing!
- Zoey: Me and Chase are just friends! Fa-riends!
- Lola: And you're Fa-Crazy!
(Chase, Michael, and Logan all fighting over who gets the single bed)
- Chase: May I suggest something please?
- Michael and Logan: What?
- Chase: Look, you guys both want the single bed right? So why don't we just say that whoever gets there first gets the bed, fair enough?
- Michael: I guess so.
- Chase: Kay good. Now the important thing to remember here is..
(Chase pushes them to the ground and runs to get the single bed for himself)
- Chase: I'm giving you a timeout! Go sit on that rock!
- Logan: I'm not going to go sit on the-
- Chase: ROCK!
(Chase and Rebecca are in the middle of an arguement, Michael runs up)
- Michael: (to Chase) Hey, did you tell Rebecca about the...
- Chase: (to Rebecca) You think you can tell me who I can and can't talk to?
- Rebecca: You heard what I said!
- Michael: Wow, look at that tree over there (goes away)
- Quinn: She threatened you? Oh,that's all I needed to hear! (takes out a laser gun type thing.) I'll be back in ten minutes!
- Zoey: No, no, no! Just put that down.
- Lola: Okay, what did Rebecca say exactly?
- Zoey: I don't know. Something like I better leave Chase alone and stay out of her way!
- Lola: That's so nervy!
- Zoey: I know! What am I gonna do? (Quinn takes up the lasergun thing) Put it down!
(Logan shoots and misses the ball in the basket)
- Zoey: You do know that the ball is suposed to go in the basket, right?
- Quinn: (about Rebecca) I don't like her!
- Lola: What's to like?
- Zoey: You guys don't even know her.
- Quinn: We don't have to know her.
- Lola: You're our friend, we can just automatically hate her.
- Rebecca: So, Lola...have you ever thought about being a model?
- Lola: Um...no. I'm more into acting.
- Rebecca: Oh! Well, that works too.
- Lola: What do you mean?
- Rebecca: Well it's just, you're so pretty. Actually, all three of you girls are. Must be something in the water at PCA...I better start drinking it!
- Zoey: Good, that little skunkbag.
- Chase: ...Zoey Brooks! Such language!
- Zoey: Well, she was horrible!
- Chase: Yeah, I kinda figured that out.
- Michael: So talk to me.
- Chase: About?
- Michael: Come on, man. Last year, a week before summer vacation you sent Zoey a text massage saying you love her and now after the summer you show up at school with a girlfriend. Talk!
- Chase: You know when they say that something happens for a reason?
- Michael: I've heard they say.
- Chase: Well, I think that there's a reason why Zoey didn't get the text massage. I think it was something, I don't know, karma, universe, the lord, the force. Something was trying to tell me that Zoey and I are meant to be really good friends. And that's all.
- Michael: You sure on that?
- Chase: I mean, look it like this: a guy's gonna have a lot of girlfriends in his life, right? Well, I don't want Zoey to be just another one of those girls that I date for a few months or even a few years and then it's over. I want Zoey to be my best friend for a really long time! You know what I'm saying?
- Michael: Y-y-yeah, I know what you are saying... I just thought that I was your best friend... But if I have been replaced by Zoey then...
- Chase: Zoey's my best girl best friend. You're still number one, man!
- Michael: That's all I wanted to hear! (goes to hug Chase)
- Chase: You're such a idiot.
- Michael: Thanks, man!
- Chase: Rebecca has a big problem with you and me being friends.
- Zoey: I know.
- Chase: She said... You know?
- Zoey: Yeah, she came to my room and told me to stay away from you.
- Chase: She sorta said the same thing to me today.
- Zoey: Did you explain to her that we're just friends?
- Chase: Yeah.
- Zoey: And she said?
- Chase: That if I wanted her to be my girlfriend I can't... Hang out with you anymore and talk to you.
- Zoey: Okay, I get it. Look, the most important thing to me is that you're happy.
- Chase: Me too so... I dumped her!
(Zoey throws a grape at Chase)
- Chase: What was that for?
- Zoey: For making me think you weren't going to be my friend any more.
- Chase: I said I dumped her didn't I?
- Michael: So Zoey just walked right in?
- Chase: Right in.
- Michael: She should have knocked first.
- Chase: Yeah, that would have been nice.
- Michael: And you're sure Zoey saw you and Rebecca kiss?..
(Cuts scene to the girls)
- Zoey: Oh, yeah. They were kissing.
- Lola: Are you a thousand percent sure they were kissing?
- Zoey: Either that or Chase was trying to suck the teeth out of her mouth...
(Cuts scene back to the boys)
- Michael: So you just stopped kissing, looked up and there was Zoey standing right there in the doorway?
- Chase: Yep...
- Michael: Harsh!
- Chase: Yeah, it wasn't the most comfortable moment of my life.
- Logan: So what did you say?..
(Cuts scene to the girls)
- Zoey: He said 'This is Rebecca, my girlfriend'.
- Lola: You sure he said girlfriend?
- Quinn: Maybe you misunderstood. Maybe he said... 'grillfriend'?
- Zoey: Grillfriend?
- Quinn: Yeah, you know maybe they just cook things together... Outdoors...
- Logan': Is that a real chicken?
- Quinn: It was a real chicken.
(Afeter Quinn forced him to wear a dress.)
- Logan: Then why did you make me do all those ridiculious stuff?
- Quinn: 'cause You called me a spaz. I don't like being called a Spaz, never did. Not even as a child. I hope you learned a little lesson here.
- Coco: You're guys... Am I... Am I unappealing?! Would you show up at my house on Valentines Day with a pretzel from a gas station!?
- Chase: We're just teenagers!
- Michael: And I don't even like pretzels...
- Logan: You're just an mess!
- Carl: Coco!
- Coco: Carl?
- Carl: What are you doing with another man!
- Coco: You dumped me!
- Carl: And that gives you the right to date other men?!
- Coco: Yeah, kinda!
- Logan: Wow, this is great!
- Chase: I just don't understand why they call it "a pair of pants".
- Logan: Why not?
- Chase: Because a pair means two like: a pair of shoes or a pair of gloves. Two shoes, two gloves. Why pair of pants?
- Michael: Because man, you would sound stupid if you were like "Hey, man. I love my new pant. You like my new pant? Check out my new pant!"
- Dustin: Oh man! Hey Quinn you think you could fix our model airplane?
- Quinn: I could fix a real airplane!
(Crying and screaming is heard)
- Zoey: What is that?
(Zoey, Lola, and Quinn find Coco on the ground crying next to her cell phone)
- Quinn: Why is our dorm adviser rolling on the ground?
- Lola: Coco! Are you okay?
- Coco: Do I look okay? I'm a woman on the concrete.
- Zoey: Did Carl break up with you again? (Coco continues sobbing and screaming)
- Lola: I think Carl broke up with her again.
- Quinn: Come on, let's get her up. (Zoey, Lola, and Quinn try to pick up Coco.)
- Coco: No, no! Just leave me here to die. (Zoey and Quinn pick her up and drag her away.)
- Coco: My cell phone! (Lola gets the cell phone.)
- Coco: I can't believe he dumped me over the phone!
- Zoey: But, he always dumps you over the phone.
- Lola: Yeah, like every three weeks!
(Coco continues crying, blows her nose, and looks in the tissue)
- Coco: Oh, God! What is that?
- Quinn: We're really sorry.
- Zoey: But we gotta go start our homework.
- Coco: I just don't understand guys. First they tell you that they love you. Then they tell you that you're too clingy and needy and man I'm hungry. I mean, I know I can be moody and bloated and judgmental and I may not bathe as much as other girls, but I'm fun to be with, right? RIGHT!? (Coco keeps sobbing.)
- Coco: Oh man, there's a hair on my honeydew. (picks up honeydew, removes hair, and puts honeydew in her mouth) (Zoey drops her food that she was about to eat in disgust.)
- Coco: Ooh, maybe it's Carl. Oh gross its my mother. (answers phone) What!? No mom, he hasn't called. That's right mom, I'm gonna grow old and die alone.
- Chase: Wow, you have a horrible dorm adviser.
- Quinn: Okay...now, the strobe light should kick on, disorienting him.
[as the rat eats the cheese, the strobe light powers up]
- Zoey: It's working!
- Quinn: Now, he'll be stunned by the plasma bolt.
[the plasma bolt launches, and hits Lola, knocking her unconscious]
- Chase: *fucks Lola*
""[Lola doesn't get moved since she is knocked unconscious, and her blouse is removed by Chase, but she is still not moving as she is continuously being fucked by Chase]"
- Chase: I have to say it, I'm a little bit embarrassed for you.
- Michael: This is a sports related injury! That makes me cool!
- Chase: Dude, tripping over a basketball on the way to the bathroom is not cool... (sees Quinn and Lola) Oh, hey, Quinn and Lola. What's up females?
- Quinn: Oh, hey!
- Chase: What have you guys been doing?
- Lola: I've been watching Quinn's research rat for the past three hours!
- Quinn: Yeah well, you'll change your tone when I catch that rat and lock him away for ever.
- Michael: Uh, what rat?
- Lola: What happened to your foot?
- Michael: Oh, it's a sports related injury.
- Chase: He tripped over a basketball on his way to pee.
- Michael:Why do you tell people?!?! Why don't you just put it on the news! Hey! Where's Jeremiah Trottman? Chase has a breaking story!
- Zoey: Can I say something?
- Chase: Sure.
- Zoey: (stands up and shouts out) I hate chemistry! Hate it! I just wanna make that clear.
- Chase: Have a french fry, it'll calm you right down.
- Zoey: No thanks, I'm already full. And what happened to all your talking about eating healthier food?
- Chase: What? The french fry, made by the potato - a vegetable! Dipped in ketchup, made from the tomato - also a vegetable!
- Chase:(When Zoey is eating a french fry):(Stifles Laugh)
- Zoey: What?
- Chase: You chew funny.
- Zoey: (Drops the fry on Chase's tray): Goodbye. (Walks Away)
- Chase: I mean good funny!
- Zoey: Let’s shake on it.
- Logan: Or we could kiss on it? (Zoey slaps him) We'll shake on it.
[when Quinn sprays the room with nerve gas]
- Lola: You know, most girls' biggest problems with their roommate is they borrow their clothes without asking. I've got one who loses rats, shoots me in the head with plasma bolts, and fills my room with homemade nerve gas.
- Quinn: ...Thanks...
- Lola: Which, apparently, doesn't work too well.
- Quinn: Oh! Why isn't he unconscious?!
- Lola: I'm gonna go get some coffee. [she leaves]
- Quinn: [to the rat] Don't you feel lightheaded?! Drowsy?! ...Oh, you are smarter than I am.
- Ms. Bromwell: Oh, Zoey, you're good friends with Chase... Is his hair naturally that way or is it a perm?
- Zoey: Uhh.. It's natural.
- Chase: She's not dating Logan, okay? I've known her since the first day she came here to PCA and I know she'd never date a jerk like Logan!
- Lola: He's one of your best friends!!
- Chase: Which is how I know he's a jerk!
- Lola: Aw, don't feel so bad.
- Quinn: How can I not? I've been intellectually bested by an animal with a brain the size of a raisins. He won, I lost.
- Lola: I don't even think the rat knew he was in a competition.
- Quinn: I thought Chase was over Zoey!
- Lola: So did I.
- Chase: What do you mean? There was no two year crush on Zoey! Right Michael?
- Michael: (sarcastic) Yes, there was no crush, you silly people.
- Lola:(to Chase about Zoey and Logan) Why do you care so much about this?
- Chase: Because I'm a caring person, see?!?! (makes caring face)
- Zoey: Logan?! (about being her tutor)
- Logan: Like I'm thrilled about this. (being Zoey's tutor)
- Zoey: (to her chemistry teacher) Logan doesn't know anything about chemistry! Logan doesn't know anything about anything!
- Chase: ALRIGHT! I'VE HEARD...[he gets out of the bush] ENOUGH!
- Zoey: Chase?!
- Logan: What were you doing in that bush?
- Chase: Hearing...everything!
- Zoey: I wanted to tell you, but I was embarassed!
- Chase: You should be embarassed. I mean...LOGAN?!
- Zoey: I know, but he's taught me so much.
- Chase: Oh, god.
- Zoey: What? I've really learned a lot from him.
- Chase: OH!
- Chase:Lets consider the other! Possiblities!
- Michael:Am I the ONLY normal person here? (pulls out flute and starts playing)
- Ms. Bromwell:(talking to Chase) Is your hair natural?
- Chase:(touches hair) Uh... yeah
- Chemistry Teacher: I don't believe it.
- Logan: What are you doing here?
- Zoey: You said we should meet here at 4:00.
- Logan: Hey so where should we go today?
- Zoey: I don't know the Library? Your room?
- Logan: Yeah where every we can be ALONE.
- Zoey: Yeah it's kind of weird but it's working.
- Logan: Listen I told Chase about me and you.
- Zoey: what I thought we decided we should keep it a secret.
- Logan: I know but he's my freind. You mad?
- Zoey: No. I hate that I have to keep lying to Lola and Quinn.
- Logan: Yeah we shouldn't have to keep seacrets from out friends.
- Zoey: I know it's just Chemistry.
- Logan: Yeah chemestry; Which we have together.
- Chase: (comes out of bush) Alright! I have heared enough!
- Zoey: Chase!
- Logan: Chase! what have you been doing in that bush?!
- Chase: Hearing everything!
- Zoey: I'm sorry I wanted to tell you but I was Embaressed!
- Chase: you should be! I mean LOGAN!
- Zoey: Yeah, but he's taught me so much.
- Chase: Oh God!
- Quinn: Who cares? I've gotta go prove to my rat that no rodent can outsmart Quinn Penskie. Are ya ready for me, rat? Are you ready for a piece of Quinn?!
- Zoey: It's true. He really knows the stuff.
- Chase: (stomps off) Oh! Oh God!
The Great Vince Blake
- Mr. Toplin: [as he hands students back their history tests] I'd like to congratulate you all on your tests, which I know weren't easy. Most of you did quite well.
- Chase: [to Vince] Vince, listen. I want you to know, I'm not gonna turn you in for cheating.
- Vince: Cool.
- Chase: If... You swear not to do it anymore.
- Vince: I hear ya.
- Chase: Good. So no more cheating.
- Vince: No, I'm just letting you know I hear ya. I'm still gonna cheat.
- Logan: [whispering to Chase] Dude! Don't irritate Vince!
- Mr. Toplin: [as he gives Vince back his test] And it looks like we have a new MVP of this class. Vince Blake gets 100! [everyone cheers]
- Stacey: Vince can do anything!
- Mr. Toplin: Nice work Vince.
- Vince: Hey, when Vince Blake does something, he always...
- Chase: Vince cheated. [the whole class stares]
- Mr. Toplin: What did you say?
- Chase: Vince stole the answers to the test. I saw him do it.
- Vince: [laughs] That's a lie.
- Mr. Toplin: Chase that's a very serious charge.
- Chase: I know.
- Mr. Toplin: Well unless you have some proof, I suggest...
- Chase: He snuck in here at night and took pictures of the test with his cellphone. And I bet he wasn't smart enough to delete 'em. [Vince gives him a look]
- Mr. Toplin: Vince may I see your cellphone?
- Zoey: I can't believe the three of you took on the whole football team!
- Logan: Four of us...
- Michael: Yeah, Del Figgalo helped.
- Quinn: (yelling) Mark! My Mark!
- Chase: You wanna beat me up? Then do it. It's not gonna change things.
- Football player: It'll change your face!
- Chase: Touché.
- Chase: They hit....
- Micheal: and punched....
- Logan: and kicked
- Chase: It was a medley of pain
- Vince: Just keep your mouth shut, because we hate to see you get hurt.
Silver Hammer Society
- Mark: I've been looking for you
- Quinn: Yeah, I know. You're breaking up with me.
- Mark: I am?
- Logan: Chase, if you want to be a member you have to pay attention.
- Chase: I don't want to be a member.
- Logan: Then why are you here.
- Chase: I... Live here...
- Logan: (gives a gift to a "Silver Hammer") This is just to let you know, I'm interested.
- Silver Hammer: Thanks but, I'm seeing someone.
- Logan: But, wait, wait, wait.... I didn't mean...
Michael Loves Lisa
- Quinn: If you need to speed up,just hit the red button.
- Chase: But I'm scared of the red button.
- Quinn: Stop being a baby. (starts up the go-kart)
- Michael: Hey, hey, hey! There is nothing funny about a young man with a scooter caught in his pants!
- Lola: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, there is.
- Zoey: There really is.
- Quinn: How'd it happen?
- Michael: [to Zoey] It's her fault!
- Zoey: How's it my fault?!
- Michael: You went and got me all excited about Lisa, then I got nervous!
- Lola: You like Lisa? Aw, how cute!
- Michael: Oh, it is NOT cute! I can't even talk to the girl without something like this happening!
- Lola: Awwwww.
- Quinn: Now, tell us who's blackmailing Zoey, or Princess Ablangada's gonna take a bath.
- Firewire: A bath?
- Quinn: In chloropeptic acid!
- Firewire: You can't do that! She's in her original packaging! (Lola turns the chair he is tied in to face Quinn and her acid) NO!!!!!
- Lola: If you want to save the princess...then you'd better tell us who's blackmailing Zoey!
- Quinn: Help her, Firewire! You're her only hope!
- Mr. Thatcher: ...Is that an oatmeal raisin cookie?
- Zoey: Yes?
- Mr. Thatcher: Gimme the cookie and i'll let it slide. (she does, and he takes a bite of it) You are LUCKY.
- [after Mr. Thatcher warns Lola and Quinn not to tamper with the vending machine]
- Lola: [imitating Thatcher] "You are not to tamper with this machine."
- Quinn: "Unless you want detention."
- Quinn: We're gonna get your arm out of that thing.
- Lola: And finally get my reduced fat Doodlecake out of there.
- Quinn: Will you forget about the Doodlecake?!
- Lola: Um, NEVER!
- [Michael's alarm clock is ringing and Lola's cellphone is going off, and they get frustrated trying to shut them off]
- Chase: Hey, could you guys quiet it down a little bit?
- Michael: I'm trying! This thing won't...it won't stop!
- [Logan enters the room gargling, and Quinn is hitting her power drill. Chase stares at them and then...]
- Chase: Okay, that's it! You people...are too loud! [he takes his computer and starts to leave]
- Lola: Oh, wait! Happy birthday!
- Chase: BLAH! [he walks out]
- Quinn: ...He doesn't seem too happy for a birthday boy.
- Logan: Hello...
- Michael: Hello...
- Chase: Hello...
- All Three Boys: HIIIIIII!
- Quinn: Dustin! What happend?
- Dustin: I fell off a hill.
- Quinn: Not with you, with Mark!
[Michael is eating Quinn's cans of baby food, Zoey and Quinn are arguing trying to reach Dustin, Lola is screaming, and Chase is coughing loud. Logan jumps on the bed and looks at himself in the mirror. The others keep doing what they are doing until...]
- Logan: STOP IT! Stop it right now! [everyone else turn to him] I can't take being locked in a room with a bunch of insane freaks! [they look at him, dumbfounded] Yeah, I called you freaks!
- Lola: WE'RE freaks?! You're the one who's sitting there, [her voice gets quieter] staring at yourself in the mirror! [Logan looks at her] You're the one who's sitting there- [she puts her hand near her throat] ...My voice! I lost my voice! [everyone cheers except her]
- Chase: All RIGHT!
- Logan: YES, about time!
- Lola: You're all so mean! [cries]
[Zoey throws a pillow at Chase, trying to wake him up. Everyone is playing dead except him]
- Chase: What happened? [he looks at the rest of the group, thinking Quinn's germ caused it] No! No! NO! Lola! [he puts his arm on her shoulder and rolls her, but she just lies on the floor] Michael! [he grabs him by the shirt, but he doesn't move] Quinn! [he grabs her arm, but she doesn't move either] DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR MUTANT GERM HAS DONE?!?! [everyone else wakes up]
- Quinn: Eeeeeeeee!
- Lola, Zoey and Logan: RAWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
- Michael: Ahhhhhhh! [Chase is ambushed and sits back in his orange cushion]
- Chase: You people are disturbed!
- Lola: Pretty much.
[as Danny is walking away from Zoey]
- Zoey: It's true, my roommate's a freak! [Quinn looks at her] ...Lola.
- Quinn: Oh.
- Michael: (listening to mp3 player) I'm just another kind of girl and you wanna be my squirrel..
- Lola: (in British accent) Oh look, it's my gorgeous roommate, Zoey Brooks, with a bottle of Blix in her hand.
- Zoey: ...Should I call the campus psychologist?
- Lola: (talking to Gene on the phone) Hey, Gene! You wanna be in the dance contest with my friend Zoey? She's cute and boyfriendless!
- Zoey: You're such an idiot. (takes the phone out of Lola's hand)
- Chase: Teach me to dance, or i'll tell everyone at PCA that you both cried at the end of last year's American Idol finale.
- Zoey: Why would you want a date with Logan?
- Stacey: Have you seen him? He's scrumptious! AND HIS ARMS! Oh, his arms! (swoons)
- Chase: Go and drink your glove!
- Stacey: (squeals and picks up swabs) You hear that my little cotton-topped friends? Soon I'll be Mrs. Stacy Reese! (throws swabs and squeals)
- Chase:(picks Coco's laundry) Uh...Coco? You forgot your pillowcase.
- Coco: That's my underwear. (takes laundry and walks away)
- Chase:(looks at hand in horror) Well...Now I have to go boil my hand....
- Chase: Aww...Now that's nice.
- Michael: What's nice?
- Zoey: Seeing You two cooperate.
- Logan: Well,ribs do bring people together.
- Michael: Are you feelin'-flumpy?
[after Chase, Michael, Logan and Dustin finish watching the horror movie "Shinnyuusha"]
- Logan: Oh... my God.
- Chase: I'll never be the same.
- Michael: Now I know why they call 'em chopsticks.
- Chase: Uh, you okay there Dustin? [Dustin just stares at the blank TV screen]
- Logan: Come on kid, it was just a movie, not like they're gonna come and rank... [Dustin gets up and runs out of the room]
- Lola: How long do you plan to let Dustin keep staying here at night?
- Zoey: 'Til he's not scared anymore.
- Lola: What if that takes weeks? I can't handle that, Zoey! I need to be able to throw my bra on the floor without worrying if your little brother's gonna find it, take a digital picture of it, and show it to his friends.
- Dean Rivers: (after the fire alarm has gone off) All right, all right, the good news is there's no fire. Wait, wait. The bad news, one of you obviously pulled the fire alarm for no reason. Would the person who did it like to confess? (nobody talks) I didn't think so. All right, let me be clear. Pulling a fire alarm is not funny. (laughter is heard) It's a serious offense. If it happens again, and I don't find out who it is, I'm giving this entire dorm detention. (the boys start complaining) Now go back to bed.
- Logan: OK, whoever pulled the alarm, if you do it again, you're getting your butt kicked.
- Michael: Yeah, a fake fire alarm is not drippin'. (all of the boys look at Michael)
- Chase: Saying drippin' is not drippin'.
- Michael: Hey, hey! You can't use the term against itself. [to himself] I hate when people disrespect my term... I need some french fries.
- Dean Rivers: (after the fire alarm has gone off for the second night) All right, I told you what would happen if someone pulled that fire alarm again. All of you, have detention this Saturday. (all of the boys groan as they start to walk inside)
- Bully: Who keeps pulling that stupid alarm?! [to a nerd] Was it you?!
- Nerd: No! No, I-I-i'd never do any- [bully pushes him to the ground] Ow! Ow, ow, rupture!
- Chase: Whoa, hey! We're not gonna solve this problem by shoving random nerds.
- Bully: Oooooooh! Excuse me, voice of reason!
- Michael: Look, I'm tired of being woken up in the middle of the night when I'm dreaming about... [the others look at him] people don't need to know what I dream about!
- Logan: Well I don't like detention.
- Bully: Neither do I!
- Chase: Hey! How about we take turns, staying up, hiding, watching the fire alarm? That way we'll catch whoever's doing it.
- Bully: That's good.
- Michael: Yeah! That idea's drippin!
- Chase: It's not gonna catch on. [they start to walk back inside]
- Michael: Yes it will.
[Zoey, Lola and Quinn are hugging Dustin together]
- Lola: You can stay here!
- Quinn: You can move in with us!
- Lola: You can even take a digital picture of my bra!
- Dustin: Can't...breathe!
- Logan: Sweet! My J-Phone just downloaded three new shows and two movie previews!
- Michael: Oh will you quit showing off your fancy Asian phone?
- Logan: Ooh, what, you're not gonna say it's drippin?
- Michael: Hey hey. Don't you mock drippin'. Don't you mock my new word!
- Chief Beck: 'Scuse me, is that the J-Phone, from Japan?
- Logan: Yeah, but uh... [whispers] Don't say anything okay? There not legal in America. [winks]
- Chief Beck: I'm aware of that. [takes the J-Phone from Logan]
- Logan: Hey!
- [Chief Beck holds a scanner next to the J-Phone and after a few seconds the screen on the scanner reads "Frequency 452.8"]
- Chief Beck: Dean Rivers, can you come over here please?
- [Dean Rivers comes over]
- Chief Beck: [shows him the J-Phone] Here's what's been setting off the fire alarm every night. [points at Logan] This kid's cellphone.
- Logan: Huh?
- Chief Beck: It's called a J-Phone, made in Japan. They're illegal in the U.S. because they operate on restricted frequencies used by police and fire departments. [glares at Logan] Frequencies that set off fire alarms.
- Bully: You're a dead man, Reese.
- Nerd: Yeah!
- [the other boys begin crowding behind Logan]
- Logan: Right, I'm sure you're all just gonna beat me up, right here in front of Dean Rivers.
- Firefighter: Chief Beck, our coffee's ready!
- Chief Beck: Oh! Coffee!
- Dean Rivers: Let's get some.
- [Chief Beck and Dean Rivers walk away]
- Logan: Uh, Dean Rivers? (the boys move towards him) Dean? Sir!
- Chase: Uh... (clears throat) Run. [the other boys form an angry mob and run after Logan, except Chase and Michael]
- Logan: How could you two just let those guys beat me up last night? How could you do that?
- Michael: It was easy.
- Chase: We just walked back to the dorm and went to sleep.
Son Of A Dean
- Lola: (to Zoey) On a first date, a guy and a girl are just checking each other out.
- Quinn: The second dates are like a compatibility test. To see whether you guys get along.
- Lola: Third date is a real turning point.
- Quinn: Whether to see if your gilfriend material.
- Lola: Or the dreaded "just friends".
- (on the Chase and Michael show, the two boys are bowling pins about to be hit by the ball)
- Michael: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
- Chase: Calm down!
- Michael: I can't calm down! We're about to be hit by a big, flat ball!
- Chase: B-b-but, maybe it will miss us!
- Michael: How's it gonna miss us?! We're right in front! Oh, man! He's about to roll! It's gonna roll!
- Chase: Hey, I got an idea!
- Michael: Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!
- Chase: When the ball rolls at us, hop up and down.
- Michael: Why?!
- Chase: 'Cause, maybe-maybe when the ball gets here, we'll be up! And it'll roll right under us!
- Michael: Here comes the ball! Ahhhhhh!
(the two shout in fear. The ball rolls towards them slowly, until it hits them, knocking all ten pins out)
- Michael: (at the table with Chase) Ah, we're cute.
- Chase: Yeah. Now we just need 25 more ideas.
- Michael: Yeah. Okay, okay. How about this. Our characters are two dolphins, that are afraid to be hit by a boat.
- Chase: Yeah. See, that's the same thing as the bowling pins.
- Michael: No, we're dolphins.
- Chase: We're being sued...
- Michael: (cries for a bit) I told you we should've gone with the dolphins!
- Chase: Okay, you are the worst roommate ever!
- Logan: But I, am goooood-looking.
- Logan: All right! You want an idea? How about... your characters are bowling pins and you're terrified of being hit by the bowling ball. How's that?
- Michael: That could be really funny. How did you think of that?
- Logan: I'm good at everything.
- Michael: You know, why do they call this an "eggplant"? It doesn't look like an egg, it doesn't look like a plant.
- Lola: So what should they call it?
- Michael: I don't know. Veggabush.
- Zoey: This is important to me! I want to be on the cover of Buzz!
- Chase: No you don't, you're just obsessed with beating Lola because you guys are in a fight!
- Zoey: Okay, I do not need a therapist, so if you're not gonna help me—
- Chase: Maybe you do need a therapist, because you're not even acting like you.
- Zoey: Oh, i'm not?
- Chase: You're the one who said contests like this bring out the worst in people. Well guess what? It's bringing out the worst in you!
- Zoey: That's so not true!
- Chase: It's like...you? To run around, freaking out, dying for Logan to pick you as the prettiest girl at PCA?
- Zoey: (brief pause) ...Topaz, pearls, or red balls?
- Chase: This is so much better than a beauty pageant.
- Quinn: So much better!
- Michael: Girls — always fighting dirty.
- Quinn: (starts to laugh) Fighting dirty, That's funny!
- Michael: It is? ...Yeah, that's right, it is! It sure is! You just laugh it up, Quinn. Compliments of Michael Barrett!
- Chase: It wasn't that funny.
- Quinn: I know. But now he'll stop trying to make me laugh.
Logan Gets Cut Off
- Michael: Hey, is this a dolphin, or a porpoise?
- Chase: ...That's a trash bag...c
- Chauncy: Excuse me children, please leave this room so that Mr. Reese may speak with his son.
- Chase: Hey come on, this is my room too. (Chauncy offers him a $50 bill) You know, suddenly I feel like standing in the hallway. (he and Zoey leave the room)
- Zoey: ...You're giving me half that money.
- Logan: [feeling concerned] What's going on?
- Malcolm Reese: (angry) This is the bill for my United Express credit card! (holds up a piece of paper)
- Logan: So?
- Malcolm Reese: $327, 000?!
- Logan: (laughs) Oh, I bought a car.
- Malcolm Reese: Without asking me?!
- Logan: You said I could use the credit card at PCA whenever I wanted.
- Malcolm Reese: For books, food, maybe a little entertainment!
- Logan: It's a very entertaining car.
- Malcolm Reese: (sternly) It's going back.
- Logan: What?! Dad, that's cruel!
- Malcolm Reese: I'm cutting you off (Logan looks shocked), no money, no check book, no credit card!
- Logan: What?! Dad, no! (grabs Chauncy by his shirt) Chauncy, please talk to him!
- Chauncy: Let go of my lapels, or I'll poke you in your neck.
- Malcolm Reese: [as Logan faces him] The credit card. [Logan then feebly gives the credit card to him] Chauncy ? [Chauncy then takes out a pair of scissors]
- Logan: [now getting frantic] No! WAIT, NO NO...... [Malcolm takes the scissors from Chauncy and cuts the credit card in half, causing Logan to.....] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Zoey: Oh my god, we actually feel bad for Logan Reese.
- Lola: Unbelievable.
- Zoey: Wow.
- Chase: That's insane.
- Zoey: He's letting kids throw tomatoes at him?
- Lola: For a dollar a piece?
- Chase: Can I have a dollar? (Zoey nudges him)
- Lola: Why should we help him?
- Chase: He wouldn't help us.
- Zoey: Yeah, but we're good people.
- Lola: Yeah, I am a good person.
- Lola: I can't believe i'm transporting Logan Reese's underpants.
- Chase: Yeah, well if you're really in the mood, try typing up this 26 page history report.
- Lola: Why'd he have to buy that stupid car and lose all his money? I liked him better when he was rich and obnoxious.
- Zoey: You know, it's really wrong to read another person's e-mail.
- Chase: You want me to stop?
- Zoey: No! Read it!
- Stacey: Have you heard the song I wrote? I can sing it for you.
- Michael: No! Please! What'd I ever do to you?
- Stacey: (singing off-key. Throughout the song, Michael is whining about the song and how horrible Stacey's singing is.) You can sip it in the morning, sip it in the evening, even at a quarter to three! 'Cause I like sassafras, you like sassafras, we like sassafras teeeeeeeeeeeeeea!
- Zoey: What are you guys doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Mom, what did you do to your hair? Why aren't you answering my questions?
- Mr. Brooks: 'Cause you're not taking any pauses.
- Zoey: Why are you here?
- Mrs. Brooks: Well, we have a little news.
- Zoey: Are you having a baby, Mom?
- Mrs. Brooks: No.
- Mr. Brooks: No babies. No babies, right?
- Mrs. Brooks: No. No.
- Michael: Hey, you know Chase...he was probably on his way here, then fell down some stairs. Landed on his big bush of a head.
(Logan screws the door)
- Michael: How's it coming?
- Logan: I'm getting it. Why don't you come help me?
- Michael: Because if I don't send this report to Mr. Bender, I'm gonna get a 0. (tries to X-out) How do you close this webcam software?
- Logan: Just click on the little box in the corner. (opens the door)
- Michael: I see no little box!
- Logan: Well, just click somewhere!
(Michael tries clicking out, but the screen ends up on the monitor, blinking and the red light beeps and blinks)
- Michael: Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.
(Logan locks the door with a padlock with Chase and Michael inside)
- Chase: I saw this in a prison movie.
- Logan: We need to talk.
- Michael: We do.
- Chase: Okay, is uh... (takes his backpack off and puts it down) everything all right?
- Michael: Nope.
- Logan: You gotta quit hanging around with Gretchen.
- Chase: Oh, really?
- Michael: Really.
- Chase: Why?
- Logan: She's disgusting!
- Chase: Hey, well. Don't hold back.
- Michael: Come on, you know you wouldn't hang out with that girl in a million years if she didn't... (sighs)
- Chase: If she didn't what? (Logan and Michael don't answer) If she didn't what? Just say it.
- Logan: If she didn't look like Zoey.
- Chase: (snorts twice) You guys are ridiculous.
- Michael: I don't think we're ridiculous.
(Chase tries to get out)
- Chase: Unlock the door.
- Michael: It's okay that you miss Zoey.
- Chase: I don't miss Zoey, okay? I haven't even thought about her since she left.
- Logan: So you're saying it's just a coincidence that Gretchen looks exactly like Zoey?
- Chase: I don't even see a resemblance.
- Michael: Everybody thinks they look alike!
- Logan: And that's why you're hanging out with her! She's your little Zoey replacement, and that's a little bit sick.
- Michael (to Logan): Uh, subtle.
- Logan: He needs to hear this.
- Chase: I don't need to hear anything from you guys right now. (as Zoey reads the magazine, a small beep from her computer alerts her that she has a webcam connection, and she begins to watch the conversation) If you cared about me, you wouldn't judge my friends!
- Michael: So you don't think it's weird that right after she leaves PCA, you make friends with some bizarr-o girl that just happens to look exactly like Zoey?
- Chase: Gretchen is a lot of fun.
- Logan: Ha! Yeah, like the way she spits and picks her nose?
- Michael: And don't forget the fun way she pops her pimples at lunch!
- Chase: Unlock the door.
- Logan: We'll unlock the door when you admit that you miss Zoey.
- Chase: Well, then we better order some pizzas and a toilet, cause we're gonna be in here for a while.
- Logan: Why is it so hard for you to just admit it's killing you that Zoey's gone?
- Chase: It's hard to admit something that's not true! (Zoey looks upset)
- Michael: Chase...
- Chase: Enough! Alright?
(Logan walks over to Chase's bed and picks up a small stuffed giraffe)
- Logan: Ooh! Looky here.
- Chase: Put that down.
- Logan: Zoey gave you this, right?
- Chase: Maybe, just put it down.
- Logan: Why? If you don't care about Zoey, then why would you care about a stupid little stuffed animal she gave you?
- Michael: Logan...
- Logan: It's cool. Chase doesn't care about it.
- Chase: That's right, I don't.
- Logan: Good.
- Chase: Good.
- Logan: Well then I guess it wouldn't bug you if I do this! (rips the head off the giraffe)
(Chase grabs Logan and slams him against the wall in anger. Michael grabs Chase and pulls him back, and Chase struggles to get free)
- Chase: (calms down) I'm sorry!
- Logan: It's cool.
- Chase: I'm sorry!
- Michael: It's okay.
- Chase: You're right... Everything you guys said is true.
- Michael: We know you miss Zoey, man.
- Chase: I don't just miss her... I'm in love with her. I've been in love with Zoey ever since I met her.When she got out of her dad's car, and I saw her standing there, and I rode my bike into that stupid flagpole (Zoey softly smiles) I was in love with Zoey before I hit the ground, and I don't think that feelings ever gonna go away. (Zoey looks surprised)
Chase: Colin, don't call me a nit!
Zoey: OH MY GOD he went to England
Lola: This is so tragic
Quinn: It's kind of sweet
Quinn: OKAY! Tragic! </3
Chase: Zoey transfered back to PCA!
Zoey:: Chase moved to England! (edit)
Chase: Michael! Zoey left England. She went back to --
Chase: Zoey. (smiles) So...you're back at PCA.
Zoey: Yeah. And you're in England...at Covington?
Zoey: Why'd you go there?
Chase: Cause you wouldn't go there! To PCA! Or...I thought you wouldn't...which clearly you did. (pauses) Why...did you?
Zoey : I missed you.
Chase : I missed you too.
Zoey: And...I, uh...kind of heard something.
Chase: What do you mean?
Zoey: Well...a few weeks ago, when I was there, and you were here...
Zoey: I guess you, or Michael or Logan, left your video chat on...
Zoey: And I heard you say something.
Chase: Uh...could you be more specific?
Zoey: (sighs) I heard you say you're in love with me.
Chase : Oh. That's uh...pretty specific. Could you hold on a sec?
Chase: (turns off computer) OH MY GOD!!!! (turns computer back on)
Chase: I love you Zoey.
Zoey: Now was that so hard to say to my face?
Chase: It was easy.
Zoey: Good. I love you too.
Michael: What is wrong with you people?!
Lola: You said we should try!
Michael: Not to kill me!
Lola: You're supposed to be stalling Zoey!
Mark: I did as long as I could, but I ran out of stuff to say.
Quinn: So what happened?!
Mark: .... I pushed her .... Into a bush.
- Zoey: Hey guys,will you sign this petition to bring Coco back?
Mira: Well it's really cool to meet you guys. If you need me, call any time. (Mira leaves)
Zoey, Lola, Quinn, and Stacey: Bye.
Lola: Wow, a dorm adviser who's normal.
Quinn: Who dresses cool.
Lola: And doesn't smell like bugs and ravioli.
Zoey: Ok, can we stop trashing Coco behind her back?
Quinn: Why not? Most people trash her right to her face.
Zoey: Yeah, but I feel like I got her fired.
Lola: It wasn't your fault.
Stacey: Anyways, Coco already got another job.
Zoey: She did?
Stacey: Yeah, she's working at Vaccaro's Fancy Restaurant just a half a mile up the street from PCA.
Lola: See, I bet a server there makes a ton more money than a school dorm advisor.
Zoey: Good that makes me feel a little better.
Stacey: Um, Coco isn't working there as a server.
Zoey: Then what's she doing there? (scene changes to Carl's Mini Fancy Restaurant's lady's restroom)
Coco: (to woman) Hey! I'm Coco, ladies restroom attendant. You having a nice dinner? What'd you order? (sniffs her) Steak! (woman walks away and Zoey walks in) Zoey, what are you doing here?
Zoey: Well Stacey told me you got a job and I just wanted to come by and say "hey."
Coco: Hey. (older woman walks in and goes into the stall)
Zoey: Look, I'm so sorry about what happened.
Coco: I'm not. This job is fantastic.
Coco: Yeah, seriously. Don't worry about it. It's really great, um, sometimes they let me-
Old Woman: (from inside a stall) Oh my GOD! This toilet's stopped up! Do you mind?
Coco: Yes, ma'am. (Coco heads over to the stall and turns to Zoey)
Coco: (sobbing) "KILL ME!! GO GET A HAMMER, THEN COME BACK, AND KILL ME WITH IT!"
- Coco: (walks into the stall) OH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
- Lola: Either of you two seen the remote?
- Quinn: It's right over there.
- [Lola tries to reach the remote from her cushion, unsuccessfully]
- Lola: I guess i'll just take a nap.
- [when the girls are going with Dean Rivers to confront Mira]
- Lola: You don't have any peanut butter in your pocket, do you? [he looks at her confused]
- Lola: When I was little, I only liked smooth peanut butter. But now i'm a chunky girl.
- Quinn: Chunky?
- Lola: Well, not THAT way.
- Quinn: [chasing a group of people] I'LL CATCH YOU EVENTUALLY! JUST SIGN THE PETITION!
- Mira: [crying] Are you gonna fire me?
- Dean Rivers: Well, duh!
- Lola: Get out of here, you nutbar!
- [after Burvich sees that Michael and Logan used a fake Chase]
- Burvich: I knew Chase Matthews left PCA! And let me tell you, mister...you and Logan are getting...
- Michael: OH, HA HA HA! [runs off]
- Burvich: You and Logan...ARE GETTING A NEW ROOMMATE!!!
Alone at PCA
- (Coco is crying really loud and putting suitcases into the back of her car)
- Zoey: Um, Coco?
- Coco: I can't go camping, leave me alone
- Lola: Okay, what do you mean you can't go camping?
- Zoey: What's the problem?
- Coco: I thought Carl, my boyfriend, might be cheating on me.
- (The kids all moan)
- Coco: So I went to his house and I climbed up the tree in his front yard to wait for him to come home, right?
- Kids: Right, makes sense, yea.
- Coco: Then I thought he was gonna bring home another girl, which he did, but it was his mother.
- Logan: Okay, well, that's good.
- Coco: No, because the branch I was sitting on broke and I fell on her.
- Lola: Oh my god!
- Zoey: Is she hurt?
- Coco: I don't know, Carl says she has a fractured neck or something.
- Michael: Okay, so then what happened?
- Coco: He called me a lunatic, then broke up with me, so now I have to drive to Frezno and fix this.
- (Coco continues crying and gets in the front seat of her car)
- Quinn: You can't just leave us here at PCA.
- Lola: It's semester break!
- (Coco starts driving away and crying)
- Logan: Wait!
- Zoey: What are we supposed to do?
- (Coco drives away and her suitcase falls out of the back of her car spilling underwear and ravioli all over the road.)
- Dean Rivers: You both know why you're here? [neither Michael nor Logan talks] Well? You want to confess?
- Michael: I'm sorry! My apple tasted funny so I just heaved it! I didn't know it was gonna hit that squirrel!
- Logan: I have no idea what he's talking about.
- Dean Rivers: This isn't about squirrels or fruit!
- Zoey: Hey guys, we got a problem.
- Quinn: What's wrong?
- Zoey: Michael just called me and said that he and Lo...Why is Quinn a clown?
- Lola: I got bored!
[Zoey and Lola are going around campus checking suspects for who might have smashed the trophy]
- Zoey: So you're sure you were nowhere near the admin building last night between midnight and 1 a.m?
- Lunch Lady: I'm sure. I was already in bed asleep by 10-
- Lola: [yelling] WE'RE NOT IDIOTS!!!!!!!
- Lunch Lady: I-I never called you an-
- Lola: WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 1 A.M?!?!?!?!
- Lunch Lady: Now you're scaring me!
- Zoey: 'Scuse us! (drags Lola away)
- Lola: She's a liar! That's a lying lunch lady!
- Lola: [yelling at Shaymus] DID YOU SMASH THE TROPHY?!?!?!?!
- Shaymus: I never smashed nothing, you little chicken!
- Lola: LIAR!!!!!!!
- Zoey: We're sorry we bothered you!
- Shaymus: [to Lola] I'm sorry SHE exists!
- Zoey: Okay, but hurry, because I bet the guys are freaking out.
[cuts to Michael and Logan's room]
- Michael: I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!
- Logan: Relax!
- Michael: We're under dorm arrest! If my grandma hears my name in the same sentence with the word arrest, that lady's gonna back up over me with her pick-up truck. And she's got big old tractor tires on that thing! How come you're so calm about this?
- Logan: Because, i'm rich and innocent. I'm also great looking, but that's just gravy.
Rumor Of Love
- Guy: Hey you two, Yeah!
- Zoey: "i'm not dating James! We're not dating! There is no dating going on between me and James!"
- Lola: " OK what are you trying to say"
- Quinn: "Just tell us"
(Logan is sending an angry voicemail to Dustin)
- Logan: Listen to me, Dustin! I told you, that I expect you to answer your cellphone when I call! I've been trying to reach you for over 10 minutes! And now, I'm late for ping pong! Okay! You've made a fool out of me for the last time! I don't care if you're eleven, or twelve, or however old you are! You're old enough to not be this much of an idiot!
[After Dustin plays Logan's voicemail for Zoey, James and Michael]
- Michael: Oh my God.
- James: Who talks to a kid like that?
- Zoey: [angrily walks over to the closet and begins rummaging] Michael, where are your golf clubs, I'm gonna use a five iron on Logan's head! Here they are. [draws out a long golf club and begins walking towards the door, but James takes the club from her and Michael grabs her around the waist and lifts her up] Hey, put me down! [Michael sits her down on the couch beside him] Am I the only one who wants to do something about this?!
- Michael: No, you're just the only one who wants to drive Logan's head 150 yards.
- Zoey: I want to get him!
- James: We're gonna get him.
- Zoey: How?!
- James: I think we just need to let Logan hear what he sounds like. [waves Dustin's cellphone with Logan's voicemail on it]
- Dustin: He won't care.
- Zoey: No way he'll care.
- James: I bet he'll care if a lotta people hear what he sounds like. [connects Dustin's cellphone to the computer and begins uploading the voicemail online]
- Logan: (addressing anger management class) I go to PCA, a boarding school not too far from here. And I left a voicemail to this kid, Dustin---
- David: You're the jerk that left that voicemail?!
- Angry Female student: I heard that on the internet!
- (Anger management class surrounds Logan and starts yelling at him)
- Michael: Ha hey! It's the angry young man!
- Logan: Not funny, dude! I just spent two hours in a classroom full of freaks!
[while Logan's voicemail is being shown on PCA News]
- Jeremiah Trottman: I know it's not the place of a journalist to give his opinion, but in this case I must. Logan Reese, you are despicable! Jeremiah Trottman, PCA News. Courage!
- Quinn: So, we're good?
- Lola: We're good. What do you say we go down to the lounge and gawk at guys?
- Quinn: Let's gawk. (the two walk off laughing)
- James: Hey, i'm gonna go shoot some hoops.
- Logan: Who cares what you do?
- Zoey: Look at you! How can you not get mad?!
- Logan: 'Cause i'm too smart for you. And you. And you!
- Logan:(To Katie) Hey, can i borrow a pen?
- Katie:(To Logan) DON'T HASSLE ME!!!
- (Anger management surrounds Logan and starts yelling at him once again)
Quinn Misses The Mark
- Michael: Smell my breath!
- Logan: No!
- Michael: Smell it! Does it smell like cookie in here? (he breathes in Logan's face)
- Logan: Gross! NEVER do that again!
- (Quinn is playing with an art program on her computer to mess up a picture of Mark)
- Lola: What'cha doing?
- Quinn: Mangling Mark's face.
- Lola: This is not a good use of your time.
- Quinn: Well it makes me feel better!
- James: Uh-oh, Zoey says i'm late.
- Michael: For what?
- James: I don't know. But she's my girlfriend, and says i'm late. So the best thing would be for me to run.
- Lola: Oh god...you guys aren't gonna be one of those couples, aren't you?
- Zoey: I just fed him a grape. Want me to feed you one?
- Lola: Okay. (she does)
(Logan rides past Quinn sitting on a bench and crying so he turns his Jet-X around and parks it by the bench.)
Logan: What's your problem?
Quinn: Nothing, Logan. Just keep riding.
Logan: You been crying? What's wrong?
Logan: C'mon. Talk to me.
Quinn: Mark broke up with me.
Logan: Oh, yeah. I heard you got dumped...(Quinn has a hurt look on her face)...Broken up with.
Quinn: Yeah, after two years.
Logan: Why did he dump...(Quinn looks hurt)...break up with you?
Quinn: 'Cuz he fell for Brooke Margolin.
Logan: Oh, she's hot...(Quinn gives him a "why would you say that look")...hot-ish.
(Quinn rolls her eyes and it transitions to Michael, Zoey, and the horse)
Michael (to the horse): You gotta quit following me around...(walks ahead then horse neighs)...this is a school. You are not enrolled in it. Now please just go on home...(starts to walk away but horse follows)...will you stop following me around everywhere. Look, I'm not your owner and I'm not your friend. There I said it.
Zoey: Can I use your Jet-X?
Michael: It's back in my dorm.
Zoey: Oh man!
Michael: What's the problem?
Zoey: I laid down in the lounge to take a 5 minute nap, which turned into a 45 minute nap, and if I don't get to class in...(checks her phone for the time)...four minutes, Mr. Thatcher's gonna give me a zero and ruin my life.
Michael: Well, uh...(looks at the horse)...I'll get you there...(jumps on horse)...give me your hand
Zoey: Where did you get a horse?
Michael: No time for questions give me your hand
Zoey: This is insane
(Transitions back to Quinn and Logan on the bench)
Quinn: I mean, I guess I can't be mad at Mark
Logan: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think Mark's an idiot.
Quinn: Yeah, yeah, I know you hate him
Logan: I don't hate him, I mean, he's an idiot for breaking up with you
Quinn: Why do you say that
Logan: I don't know, I mean, we all know you're weird..(Quinn looks away slightly insulted)...but you're smart, pretty, and you're kinda fun
Logan: Sure and why are you dressed like that
Quinn: I was trying to compete with Brooke
Logan: Well don't
(Logan puts on Quinn's glasses)
Logan: there's Quinn
(they kiss until Zoey and Michael ride past on the horse)
Logan: Weirdest. Day. Ever.
Quinn: uh huh
(they slide away to opposite ends of the bench and avoid looking at each other and then the scene transitions again)
- Logan: Do you think he knows we're dating?
- Quinn: He might, which is really bad!
- Logan: I know! ...Wanna go make out?
- Quinn: Absolutely!
- Lola: And you'll fix it?
- Zoey: Yes, I'm Zoey, you new? Come on, Dustin.
[Zoey starts to leave, but Dustin is staring at Lola, who is wearing her bikini]
- Lola: ...Quit looking at my swimsuit. (Nick's way of saying Quit looking at my boobs)
- Dustin: I'm not. You have a bug on your stomach.
(Lola screams as she waves herself around trying to get it off her)
- Lola: [trying to knit her sweater] I am going to FIX you! ...After I eat that pudding. [she takes the pudding bowl from the pool table, but Michael takes it out of her hands]
Vince is Back
- Logan: Did you remind him he beat up me, Michael and Chase?!
- Michael: AND Del Figgalo!
- Quinn: Well, Mark probably deserved it.
- Lola: But he was your boyfriend!
- Logan: Well, he's not anymore! [Everyone looks at him weirdly] Well, he's not!
- Michael: We're gonna dish out a little comeuppance.
- Logan: The little thing you wear on your tuxedo?
- Logan: You're lame.
- Lola: You're stupid!
- Quinn: Leave him alone!
Dinner For Two Many
- Michael: Just thought i'd invite you to come shoot some pool with me and Lola! ...But she's awful.
- Lola: I heard that.
- Michael: Even though she's bad at pool, she's got some really good hearing!
- Lola: Is it wrong to be in love with a crabcake?
- Michael: If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right.
- Quinn: Did you guys know that crabs are omnivores that eat algae and fungus and worms?
- Lola: Algae, fungus, and worms?
- Michael: Oh my! [Lola puts her crabcake down]
- James: Sir, what's the problem here?
- Maurice the Maitre D: Mind your own business.
- Zoey: Don't talk to him like that.
- Michael: (About Coco) And let her go.
- Maitre D: Oh. Is she a friend of yours?
- Michael: That's right.
- Maitre D: Then all of you out of here! Come on, Coco. Get out, Get out, Get out, Coco.
- Logan: Do you know who my father is?
- Maitre D: You're never coming in here again. Banned, Coco. Banned.
(All shouting and arguing)
- Maurice the Maitre D: Well, i guess someone doesn't understand what "banned" means.
- Coco: Maurice, listen--
- Maurice: Oh, get out of my sight.
- Coco: Wait. Why are you in the women's restroom?
- Quinn: He likes the lollipops.
- Maurice: I want you and your little chicky friends outta here.
- Lola: You can't throw us out!
- Coco: Yeah. Look, Maurice--
- Maurice: Yes I can throw you out. Turn around. There's the exit. Move. Move, ladies. ladies. Must i call security on you? Out of my bathroom. Out of my restaurant.
- James: What's going on?
- Zoey: I don't know.
- Quinn: Quit pushing us!
- Lola: We are citizens!
- Coco: Carl, help!
- Carl: Hey! Hey! What's the deal, buddy?
- Maurice: The deal is get out unless you want me to call the police.
- Coco: Make him let go of me.
- Carl: Sorry, baby. I'm on parole.
Coffee Cart Ban
- Michael: But I just got a new mug!
- Dean Rivers: Then fill it with chowder!
- Michael: Chowder?
- Zoey: Dang it!
- Lola: Who says dang it?
- Zoey: People who grew up in the South?
- Zoey: Everyone! (Everyone in Zoey's dorm looks) We're about to get busted!
(People look worried and shocked)
- Quinn: Well don't just stand there!
- Lola: Hide everything!
(Everyone starts hiding everything)
- Michael: I told you not to buy those cheap cups! (holds up a cardboard box that says "Kups") Don't buy cups with a "K"!
- Logan: They're quality cups!
- Michael: Look around!
- Zoey: Well, none of the kids at PCA think it was fair of you to ban the coffee carts in the first place.
- Dean Rivers: Who asked you?!
- Zoey: You just did.
- Dean Rivers: Don't twist my rules!
- (after Dean Rivers accidentally uses Quinn's laser gun and destroys his cupboard which reveals a coffee machine)
- Lola: What is that?
- Dean Rivers: (tries to hide it) Nothing! Let's forget about this whole thing, dismissed!
- Michael: (takes the coffee kettle) My goodness.
- Quinn: Is that coffee?
- Zoey: It looks like coffee!
- Michael: It smells like coffee!
- Logan: I am gabberflasted! [Everyone looks at him weirdly] I AM SHOCKED!
- Quinn: You're not gonna charge me, are you baby?
- Logan: Yes I am.
- Quinn: But, we're, boyfriend and girlfriend.
- Logan: I know but, business is business.
- Quinn: Stop zapping Logan!
- Dean Rivers: I am flabbergasted, flabbergasted! Do you understand me?
- (Everyone nods heads, except Logan who shook his head)
- Dean Rivers: What don't you understand Logan?
- Logan: What flabbergasted means...
- Physics teacher: Why do I feel like Quinn is the only one who cares?
- Quinn: Even I don't care...
- Physics teacher: Oh, i'm a boring teacher.
- Logan: (unaware that Lola tossed his hamburger into a fountain) Didn't I have a hamburger?
- Lola: I'm having fruit!
- ???: Anybody lose a hamburger? I found this in the fountain.
- Logan: Yeah, I...I think that's mine. (he squeezes it, and water drips from it, shrugs, and takes a bite of it)
- Lisa: I hate seeing you this upset!
- Michael: I'm not upset! I'm happy.
- Lisa: Why?
- Michael: Because...Lola made Logan's earlobe bleed. I enjoy that.
- Michael: (grabs Logan by the shirt) You told everybody that i'm afraid of roller coasters!
- Logan: Uh, James, I think he's about to kill me! Little help?!
- James: Hold on, i'm organizing this playlist.
- Zoey: James, why aren't you doing anything?!
- James: I am. I'm making you a really cool playlist.
- Zoey: Aw.
- Lola: Michael!
- Quinn: Stop!
- Zoey: He'll stop.
- James: Yeah, I know. There's a fence. (Michael, screaming, runs through the fence and it breaks)
- Coco's cousin: Remember when I wore the wedding dress and scared the snot out of you?
- Michael: YES. I do. (Coco's cousin laughs menacingly) Thank you. That's very nice.
Quinn: Ok, what do you think? Am I prom ready?
Lola: Yeah... but don't you think that dress is a little too sexy for your date... Dustin?
Quinn: Dustin's... very mature for his age.
Lola: (sarcastically) Yeah, I hear his bedtime got moved up to 8:15.
Quinn: Why couldn't you have broken up with James after the prom?
Lola: Why did you break up with him at all?
Quinn: James is awesome.
Zoey: I know James is awesome and I know you think I was stupid to break up with him, and maybe you're right, but I did it and now it's done. (Notices the shoes in Quinn's hand that her roomates want her to wear to the prom) Oh my god those shoes are cute!
- Logan: Can I at least give you an idea of how I'd like to take?
- Quinn: Sure.
- Logan: Do you see those twins over there?
- Quinn: Sure, which one do you want?
- Logan: Both.
- Lola: Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn.
- Quinn: What?
- Quinn: You're so irritating sometimes.
- Logan: Wanna go make out?
- Quinn: Yes!
- Stacey: Logie, come on!
- Logan: I'M COMING!!
Logan: Let's go, Dillson.
Stacey: Sure thing.... Reese.
Lola: Just because you broke up with James doesn't mean you have to be the only person at PCA who's not gonna be there.
Quinn: Lots of people are going dateless.
Lola: Yeah! Firewire, and uh... Firewire!
Quinn: That weird Swedish kid that smells like meat!
(After falling off the building rooftop ledge)
Chase: I'm alright, I'm okay. I just lost my baaaalance! CONCRETE!
(After Logan and Quinn declared their love for each other in public)
Dustin: You used me?!
Mark: He made me drive his stick-shift!
Michael: Aw, he graped when he shoulda tuna-ed!
Michael: I know! (Turns around to face Chase) Chase, she talks perfectly now! (Double takes) CHASE!
Lola: So what do we do now?
Vince: Follow the nerds!
Lola: Did we miss anything good?
Michael: Naaah, you didn't miss much.
Chase: Nothing important.
Lola: Oh, good, 'coz.... CHASE!
Chase: Give me some love!
Michael: Let me give you some love!
Stacey: You smell so good, like cinnamon sticks.
Logan: Uh. Thanks.
Stacey: Let's see if your lips taste like cinnamon sticks.
Stacey: (kisses Logan against his will) What's wrong?
Logan: I DON'T WANNA KISS YOU.
Stacey: Why wouldn't you wanna kiss me? My lips are moist.
Logan: BECAUSE I LOVE QUINN.
Unknown Guy: You love Quinn?
Logan: That's right (Awkward Silence).
Logan: I love Quinn Pensky.
Quinn: And I love Logan Reese.
Dustin: You used me (Dustin Storms out) (Logan and Quinn run to each other and kiss).