Zoey 101 (season 1)

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The following is a list of quotes from the first season Zoey 101. It was aired between January 9 to May 1, 2005.

Welcome To PCA[edit]

Zoey: How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?
(A few raise their hands)
Zoey: How many of you would say you're good at basketball?
Quinn: Um, I once made a basketball explode!

Zoey: (to Chase) My hero.

Dana: Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!
Nicole: Works for me.

Nicole: Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl who can play on this team?
Coach: I think everyone has noticed it

Nicole: But that's my stuff! (Dana glares at her) That I'll be moving.

Chase: Better be going. Oh, and watch out.
Zoey: Why watch out?
Chase: Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.
Zoey: Like hanging your bike from a tree?
Chase: Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.
Zoey: Later.
Chase: Oh, and I forgot to say, "Welcome to PCA".
Zoey: Go save your bike.
Chase: Right.

Zoey: Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.
Logan: You serious?
Nicole: Zoey!
Zoey: I'm serious.
Logan: Good. This Friday?
Zoey: Why not?
Logan: Then, you're on!
Zoey: Good!

Michael: Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.
Chase: And cake.
Zoey: Oh, so you guys just want pizza.
Chase: And cake!

Logan: Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.
Zoey: And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!

Dana: Can I play?
Zoey: Um, we kind of already have a full team.
Quinn: Bye!
Zoey: I guess you're in.

Nicole: You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"
Quinn: Is "Suckish" a word?

Logan: Hope you girls have learned your lesson!
Coach: I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?

Dustin: Psst, Zoey, psst!
Zoey: Dustin?
Dustin: Good Luck! But I can't root for you.
Zoey: Why not?
Dustin: Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!
Zoey: Don't let them scare you!
Dustin: Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!

Nicole: (about the urinal) Why is it here?
Zoey: Because this used to be a boy's dorm.
Nicole: Well, it creeps me out.
Zoey: You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.
Nicole: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it?

Chase: (points to Jim)...Jim
Zoey: That's the gym?
Chase: Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!
Zoey: 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.
Chase: Jim's good people.

Nicole: You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!
Zoey: No, you're not.
Nicole: Okay.

Zoey: You play sports?
Nicole: Is shopping a sport?
Zoey: No.
Nicole: Then, no.

New Roomies[edit]

Dana: It's my bed.
Nicole: It's my head.

Zoey: Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!

Zoey: Aaaah! Quinn!
Quinn: Yeah?
Zoey: What are you doing?!
Quinn: Monitoring your dreams... I think you might be having a nightmare.
Zoey: I am now!

Zoey: Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!

Michael: Save me!
Chase: From what?
Michael: (Points to Quinn) From that!

Zoey: Maybe sometime you could hang out with me and my roommates!
Quinn: Aren't they the ones always fighting?

Chase: Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . . .
Zoey: (laughs) I like fooseball.
Chase: Yeah, Fooseball's cool.

Zoey: (to Nicole and Dana) What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?

Nicole: We have to be at class by 8!
Dana: Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!

Quinn: It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."
Zoey: Oh, that's very . . . "Quinnteresting"!

Zoey: Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."
Chase: "Quinnventions"?
Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "Inventions."
Chase: Ah! So she's... "Quinnsane"!

Michael: 'Sup Chase?
Chase: Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)
Michael: Whose the rose for?
Chase: Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.
Michael: That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?
Chase: That's an idea!!
Chase: Look, don't tell Logan.

Zoey: So, you want to see if my food is happy?
Quinn: Happy, sad, angry, frightened...
Chase: I'm frightened!

Zoey: Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!
Quinn: Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?
Zoey: I don't iron my underwear.
Quinn: Whatever.
Dana: Yeah, she's a good one!
Zoey: At least we don't fight all the time!
Dana: Neither do we.
Nicole: Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.
Dana: (puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!
Zoey: That's good for you. Bye!
Dana: (Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!
Nicole: Slob!
Dana: Jerk!
Nicole: UGHH!!!

Zoey: Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.
Dustin: What about you?
Chase: Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!
Dustin: What did he say?
Zoey: No!


Quinn: Logan's such a jerk.
Nicole: A very cute jerk.

Zoey: Why would I spread rumors about myself?
Nicole: To trick us!
Zoey: Nicole!

Chase: Hey, Kazu!
Kazu: You're late!
Chase: I'm 10 minutes early!
Kazu: No back sass!
Chase: Okay... just put the knife down!

Zoey: We'll drive him... to Mexico!
Logan: Did she say, "Mexico"?
Michael: Si!

Zoey: (on cell phone in phony Southern accent) Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.
Mr. Callahan: Um, I didn't order any mustard.
Zoey: Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.
Mr. Callahan: Who could eat that much mustard?
Zoey: That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?
Mr. Callahan: But I don't even like mustard!
Zoey: Then, why'd you order so much?
Mr. Callahan: I didn't...

Quinn: (scans bear) That jerk!
Zoey: What?
Quinn: Let's go!
(Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)
Zoey: Well?
Quinn: That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!
Nicole: I knew it! What does that mean?
Zoey: In English?
Quinn: There's a webcam in that bear!
Nicole: I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.

Zoey: Did you have anything to do with it?
Chase: Uh, come in?
Zoey: Did you put a camera in the bear?
Chase: Uh, no, I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.

Nicole: Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?
Quinn: How do you play?
Zoey: Okay, so you roll the dice...
Quinn: Yeah...
Dana: And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...
Nicole: And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.
Quinn: Like eat a poisonous bug?
Zoey: Stressful... not lethal.

Zoey: You're working with Logan now?
Chase: Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.
Logan: I'm trying to train you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.
Zoey: Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!

Logan: 'Sup ladies!
Zoey: We were just talking about you.
Logan: Can't blame you.

Zoey: Hey, sushi's here!
Nicole: Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!
Chase: Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.
Zoey: Kazu?
Chase: Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...
Kazu: Aha! I knew it!
Chase: Kazu!
Kazu: You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!
Chase: Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.
Kazu: Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...
Zoey: Quinn, next card!
Kazu: Expelled! You will be expelled!
Chase: Expelled?!
Kazu: You're going to prison!
Nicole: No!
(Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)
Zoey: I'm sorry, I panicked!
Chase: He's out cold.
Zoey: Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!
Chase: No, nobody's getting expelled!
Nicole: But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!
Chase: Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!
Zoey: Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!
Chase: Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!
Zoey: And drive him to Mexico!
Nicole: But what if the Dean finds out?
Zoey: She has a point.
Chase: Hey... he didn't see who hit him!
Zoey: Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!
Chase: Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!
Zoey: Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.
Nicole: I got the duct tape!

Defending Dustin[edit]

Chase: You gotta hide Elvis.
Nicole: Who's Elvis?
Chase: Our dog!
Zoey: Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?
Chase: Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.
Michael: But our DA smelled a dog!
Chase: DA, short for Dorm Adviser.
Zoey: I know.
Chase: OK...that's short for okay
Zoey: Stop it!
Michael: Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.

Chase: (To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?
Zoey: No, not by a big, dumb bully.
Chase: Well, then, maybe it's time. (he starts giving her noogies) Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.
Zoey: Quit it!
Chase: Give me your lunch money or I'll.... (Zoey bites his arm) Oww, did you bite me?
Zoey: Maybe.
Chase: Oh, it's on.

Chase: You're fast!
Zoey: Maybe you're just slow.
Chase: Harsh.

Janitor: I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand?!?!
Keith: Yeah, except for the giraffe part.

Prank Week[edit]

Chase: You know what I'm saying?
Michael: You don't even know what you're saying!

Zoey: Chase, thank you so much!
Chase: It’s ok, but, actually it wasn’t me.
Zoey: Michael?
Michael: Not me.
Zoey: Then who was it?

(Chase and Michael point to Logan)

Zoey: Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?
Logan: If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?

Dean Rivers: I'm not going to ask again. Who did this?!
Chase: Technically, Sir, you did just ask again.
Dean Rivers: Chase!
Chase: Sorry...

Nicole: (crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!
Zoey: I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.
Nicole: No, they're all dumb and gross.
Zoey: Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.
Quinn: Can't talk. Plotting revenge.
Nicole: I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)

Zoey: Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!
Logan: Chase picked it out.
Chase: Why do you tell people?

Logan: Do girls know anything?
Dana: I know how to make you cry.
Logan: What are you gonna do? Kiss me?
Dana: You wish!
Logan: Yeah I do! (laughs)

Jet X[edit]

Mr. Savage: Do you know what this is?
Chase: Some kind of scooter?
Mr. Savage: (Buzzing noise) Wrong!
Chase: Sorry.

Quinn: Where's the off button on this?
Dana: Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.
Quinn: True.

Zoey: (on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!
Chase: (to Michael) I rock!
Michael: You´re OK.

Nicole: You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!
Dana: What?!
Zoey: What?!
Nicole: I didn't know what to say!

Zoey: Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.
Chase: I did.
Zoey: And?
Chase: He gave me 50 dollars to shut up.

Mr. Bender: Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?
Chase: Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair!
Mr. Bender: Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.

Logan: Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.
Zoey: You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.
Chase: It's true. It happened to me once.

The Play[edit]

Logan: Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?
Chase: Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team, they're not hot.
Michael: I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude.
(Chase and Logan give him weird looks)
Michael: I've said too much.

(Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)
Dustin: Hey, is Zoey here?
Dana: No.
Dustin: Well, do you know where she is?
Dana: Nope.
Dustin: 'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if--
(Dana shuts the door in his face)

Michael: Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?
Chase: Yeah, so?
Michael: So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.
Chase: Change it?
Michael: Write a different ending.
Chase: I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! (runs off)
Michael: I have my moments.

Mr. Fletcher: Kill? Kill?!
Chase: Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "Sassafras". I wrote "Lallafral"!

Dustin: Why're you taking off my shoes?
Quinn: I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.
Dustin: Can I please leave?
Quinn: No... Ready?
Dustin: No.

(Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet)

Dustin: Ah! That tickles.

(Quinn stops the proton device)

Quinn: Do you feel better?
Dustin: No!
Quinn: I'll adjust the proton saturation.
Dustin: Huh?

(Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet)

Dustin: It's not making me better!

Nicole: He really is awesome?
Chase: (sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?
Zoey: I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.
Nicole: Ooh. She's starting to like him.
Dana: Ya think?
Chase: What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?
Zoey: Yeah, I mean...
Chase: You mean what?
Zoey: I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...
Chase: Ok I got to go.
Zoey: Where are you going?
Chase: To take a bath. What difference does it make?

Quinn's Date[edit]

Quinn: Hi, Mark.
Mark: Oh, hey, Clint.
Chase: Quinn.
Quinn: Did you say, "Clint"?
Chase: He said, "Quinn."
Mark I said, "Clint."
Quinn: Who's Clint?
Chase: He meant, "Quinn".
Zoey: My friend, Quinn, thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?
Mark: No.
Zoey: Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.
Mark: (Looks at Quinn) No.

Quinn: Okay, so, what do I do?
Zoey: Just pretend Chase is a guy.
Chase: Uh, thanks.

Quinn: What did he say? Please, say he said, "Yes". I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, "Yes", tell me he said, "Yes", please.
Zoey: Ummm...He said, "YES".

Dana: What's your problem?
Zoey: Remember when I said "Mark said yes". He said, "NO".
Nicole: NO!!!
Zoey: YES.
Nicole: YES.
Nicole: Yes, wait I'm confused.
Dana: Did he say "Yes" or "No"?
Zoey: He said, "No".
Dana: No, then why did you tell her he said, "Yes".
Zoey: Because I panicked.
Dana: You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.
Zoey: I can't... it'll break her heart, her weird little heart.

Quinn: Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend! I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!
Mark: But...
Quinn: I said "Good day"!

Courtney: Mark! You're on a date with HER?
Mark: No! I'm... on a date with Chase!
Chase: Um, it's true. We had a picnic.
Zoey: Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.
Courtney: Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!

Quinn: Did you know that female spiders usually eat their offspring?
Chase: Huh?
Quinn: Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?
Chase: Holy Dolby Digital!
Quinn: Want to see my sixth toe?

Chase: I wonder who invented the meatball.
Zoey: How do you mean invented?
Chase: Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form".

Zoey: (About Mark) Go talk to him.
Quinn: Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.
Zoey: It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.

Spring Fling[edit]

Chase: No more "Grass"! I can't take it!!
TV: Coming up next... "Weeds".

Announcer: And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"
Nicole: Okay, why are we watching this?

Dustin: I hate this experiment!
Quinn: I heard that!
Dustin: GOOD!

Nicole: Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?
Zoey: Of course, boys love to smash things.
Michael: It's true!
Chase: We do enjoy the smashing!

Dana: Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.
Nicole: What do you think he'll say?
Zoey: He'll probably start with, "Give me my four-thousand dollars back!"

Dustin: Is it true?
Zoey: What?
Dustin: That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?
Dana: Sorry, but Drake's not coming.
Dustin: How come?
Nicole: His manager wants 5000 bucks.
Dustin: So get it.
Dana: (sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.

Chase: (to Drake) Hey, you're Drake Bell!
Drake: Yes, I am.

Chase: Hey, it's him!
Michael: You're you!
Drake: I'm me.
Manager: (to Drake) You are.


Michael: (Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!
Zoey: Huh? What rabbit?
Michael: [sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.

Chase: Massage my shoulders.
Michael: Are you out of your mind?
Chase: Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.
Michael: Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?

Chase: (Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!
Michael: (gasp)
Chase: What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...
Zoey: What? It doesn't say that!
Chase: Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!
Michael: I pick B, down the stairs she goes!

Chase:(about new jukebox) Yep, that's definitely juketastic! (Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)
Michael: (about new jukebox) Man, that's juketastic!

Disc Golf[edit]

Coach: All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.
Chase: Can I return it?

School Dance[edit]

Mr. Bender: [after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring] Read the message.
Zoey: [reading] "Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?"

Nicole: [answering a personality quiz] "What is your favorite activity?" Meeting cute guys. Next question: "What is your number-one pet peeve?" Not meeting cute guys.

Little Beach Party[edit]

Dana: You got a signal?
Michael: No, only sand in my butt!

Zoey: (to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?
Logan: Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.
Dustin: No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!
Zoey: Dustin, are you sure?
Dustin: Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?

Dustin: Will you tell me where babies come from?
Zoey: Absolutely not.

External links[edit]