Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 movies, 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.)

KTMA	00	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21
S1	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13
S2	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13
S3	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22	23	24
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S6	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22	23	24
S7	01	02	03	04	05	06			MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)
S8	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22
S9	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13
S10	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13
S11	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14
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S13	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13
Short	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20
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Spec	01	02	03	04		Unknown episode						Notes		Major cast				See also			External links

Notes

How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
What do the colors mean? The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:

KTMA: Season 0	Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Season 1	Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5	Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Season 7	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10	Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
Short features (various seasons)	(various casts & channels)
CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews)	Mike & the Bots

KTMA (Season 0)

The Green Slime

Man: That's an asteroid!

Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!^[N]

Joel: Hey, Crow.

Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?

Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.

Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?

Joel: It was on 8-track.

[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]

Invaders from the Deep

Captain Troy Tempest: No visible sign of trouble.

Joel: Not yet.

Tempest: Down SVC. Standby to surface.

Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan: Standing by.

Tempest: Right. Blow 1.

Phones: Blow 1.

Joel [as Tempest]: Pull my finger.

[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]

Joel: They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood.

[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]

Joel: Are they sweating or is that sap?

...

Crow: Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible.

[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]

Joel: Oh he's pacing, right?

Crow: His boots weren't made for walking.

Revenge of the Mysterons

[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]

Joel: You know that puppet does his own stunts.

Crow: Does he really?

Servo: I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV.

[as the Lunar Controller repeatedly shoots SID]

Crow: You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o.

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

[During an effects sequence.]

Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

Gamera vs. Barugon

Joel: Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages.

Servo: Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages!

Joel: Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two?

Caller 1: I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.

Servo: What a complete wing-nut!

Joel: Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great.

Crow: Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic.

Servo: Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel?

Joel: Of course, Servo.

Servo: Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble?

Joel: Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one.

Caller 2: [excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!!

Crow: Oh, he must mean Dave Moore.

Servo: No, he's on TV 4.

Crow: No, that's Moore On 4.

Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group.

Crow: No, that's More By Four.

Servo: Isn't that an off road truck?

Crow: No, that's a 4x4.

Servo: No you're thinking of a 2x4.

Crow: No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy."

Servo: No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out.

Crow: No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant!

Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.

Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

Gamera

Crow: Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— [a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence] —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Joel: See, I told you guys it would work.

[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]

Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.

[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]

Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]

Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?

Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.

[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]

Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel.

Gamera vs. Gaos

[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]

Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy.

Gypsy: Yeah, grow a brain already!

[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]

Joel: The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films.

Gamera vs. Zigra

[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]

Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!

Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!

Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey.

Gamera vs. Guiron

Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

Phase IV

Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—

Joel: [horrified] Oh no...

Crow: Never mind.

Joel: You don't mean that...

Servo: Ant-orexic.

Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it.

Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.

Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]

Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point.

Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?

Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank!

Servo: Oh, that's just a given!

[While the end credits roll.]

Crow: I thought it was deep...

Joel: What did you think, Servo?

Servo: I thought it was pathetic.

Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots.

Servo: This made flying turtles look good.

Cosmic Princess

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]

Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.

Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.

Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]

Tony: 1... 2...

Servo [as Tony]: 3...

Tony: 5...

Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!

Tony: 6...

Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.

Tony: 7... 4.

Crow: Well, they are British.

[During the credits.]

Crow: Nick Brimble! I had a knick on my Brimble once.

Humanoid Woman

Joel: The plot thickens.

Servo: Like rancid pea soup.

Fugitive Alien

Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.

SST: Death Flight

[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]

Angela: [vapidly] Hello!

[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]

Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.

[Passengers are boarding.]

Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.

[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]

Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.

Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.

Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…

Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]

Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!

Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.

Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right!

Mighty Jack

[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]

Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?

Superdome

[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]

Crow: Magnum, deep fried.

[The film ends just before the kickoff.]

Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.

Servo: [annoyed] Who won?

Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.

Joel: This movie's history.

Crow: We're history.

Joel: Let's go.

[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]

Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?!

City on Fire

Dr. Erhardt: We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough!

Dr. Forrester: I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers.

[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]

Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–

[Barry Newman's credit appears.]

Crow: Like Barry Newman.

Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.

Crow: I bet this was made in Canada.

Servo: Oui.

[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]

Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?

Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".

[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]

Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!

[A woman is going into labor.]

Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!

Joel: Boil some water.

Crow: Boil some newspapers!

Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it.

Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.

Servo: She bought it, but we paid for it.

Time of the Apes

[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]

Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?

[Still shot of two gorillas]

Crow: Oh look, it's Shelley Winters and Ernest Borgnine.

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]

Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.

Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.

. . .

Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!

Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

Hangar 18

The Last Chase

[a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]

Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!

Legend of the Dinosaur

Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon!

Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question...

Servo: Why am I watching this?

[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]

Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.

Season 1

The Crawling Eye

Servo: [first riff; displaying a mountainside] This must be a Paramount Picture.

[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]

Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!

Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]

Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]

Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Anne: [after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything] I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid.

Joel: How about a wheelchair?

[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]

Alan Brooks: It's fine. It was just the baseball scores.

Joel: It's just a prop, anyway.

Alan Brooks: [he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain] Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents.

Prof. Crevett: That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is?

Servo: [as Brooks] They're not good search parties?

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

Servo: Is there a sequel to this movie?

Crow: Yeah; The Eye-ger Sanction!

Servo: Starring Burl Eye-ves.

[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]

Joel: I spy with my little eye...

Servo: You hypocrite!

[Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]

Alan Brooks: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air.

Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

Gypsy: I got an itch!

Dr. Ernhardt: [entering Deep 13; first lines] Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here!

Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise?

Dr. Ernhardt: I was, but I just don't look that good in heels.

Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this!

Dr. Ernhardt: [meekly] I'm sorry.

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]

Dr. Erhardt: [to Forrester] Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center again.

Dr. Forrester: I only did that once! [Erhardt sternly clears his throat] OK, twice.

Dr. Erhardt: It was three times!

Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't make the building blow up, it just made it burn. Really... quickly.

Dr. Erhardt: [while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player] Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman!

Dr. Forrester: Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. [shows record] Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... [scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound] Now open it.

Dr. Erhardt: They'll stay.

Dr. Forrester: Close it. [shrill scratching sound continues]

Dr. Erhardt: They'll leave.

Dr. Forrester: And so on and so forth.

Servo: [attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love] Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare!

Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs: [as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs] First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink Tranya.

Crow: [snarkily] From a dish off the floor, boy?

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)

[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]

Servo: Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that!

[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]

Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.

Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?

Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year.

Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.

Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?

Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.

Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier!

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]

Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.

Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.

Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.

[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]

Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]

Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?

Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]

I've reached the end of my life

And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

Servo: [as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy] I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!

[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]

Bruno: [of Popoca] You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces!

Joel: Bruno, stop letting hate run your life.

[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]

Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!

Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz?

Dr. Krupp: [continues to boast about his "human robot"] With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me!

Servo: Wait, a human robot? There's a flaw right there.

Crow: [while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease] I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'."

Mad Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)

[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]

Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.

[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]

Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

Joel: [as Cody is fighting off a henchman] Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head!

Servo: [as Cody beats up Retik] That's for Bryant Gumbel; that's for Gene Shalit; and that's for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb!

Crow: Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they?

Cody: [as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening] Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em.

Servo: Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like Moon Cars, perhaps?

Mad Monster (movie)

Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!

Joel: Tell that to the NFL!

[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]

Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!

Servo: [singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]

Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed Then one day, he was shooting at some food...

Joel: [joining in] ...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.

Servo: Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.

[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]

Servo: The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.

The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!" Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be," So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...

Joel: Good one, Crow.

Servo: [I'm] Servo.

Crow: Ah, over here.

Joel: Right, sorry; good one, Servo. [turns towards Crow] You too, Crow.

Servo: [unenthused] Gee, thanks, Ed!

Crow: I didn't do anything.

Dr. Cameron: [to Prof. Fitzgerald] I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men.

Crow: [as Cameron] ...And their hair.

Dr. Cameron: Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence!

Joel: [sarcastically] Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there.

Prof. Fitzgerald: [towards Dr. Cameron] I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan!

Servo: [as Fitzgerald] Or you!

Lenore: [confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house] There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid!

Servo: [as Lenore] It makes me want to sing!

Officer: [towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine] This should make a gory enough story for your paper.

Tom: It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend.

Joel: [as Tom] It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel!

[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]

Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]

Lenore: Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think-

Tom: I don't know what to think!

Servo: [as Tom] And stop calling me Shirley!

Petro: [snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron] I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever.

Dr. Cameron: That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it.

Servo: I had a Marsh Rash once.

Crow and Servo: [with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison] Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Servo: You like long walks in the rain?

Crow: Chinese food?

Servo: Mushing up your ice cream?

Crow and Servo: [in unison] Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- [Joel shuts them both off]

Joel: [in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off.

Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.

Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]

Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Hup!

Servo: You know, I could watch that all day.

[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]

Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!

[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]

Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?

[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]

Crow: Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la Zamfir.

...

Servo: [as Tang] Get me; I'm the master of the pan-flute!

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]

Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

Servo: [as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider] My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy!

Linda: [in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang] I hate you; I hate all of you!

Joel: Jeez, don't say hi then!

The Corpse Vanishes

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)

Crow: [while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays] Why does the Earth have a shadow?

Servo: Why are there clouds in space?

Crow: Why are we watching this?

Servo: Daddy, what's Vietnam?

Retik: [demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists] Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?!

Kropp: I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency.

Crow: [as Kropp] All the hardware stores are closed!

The Corpse Vanishes (movie)

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]

Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!

[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]

Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!

[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]

Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark.

. . .

[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]

Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram.

. . .

[The two women hear another knock at the door.]

Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.

[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]

Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.

[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]

Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...

[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]

Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.

Dr. Foster: [as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz] The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair...

Crow: [as Dr. Foster] The cut of our jib.

Joel: Learning is fun!

Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

[during the RAM chip segment]

Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!

Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?

Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!

Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

The Crawling Hand

[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]

Owner: No dancing, not allowed.

Joel: This is just like Footloose.

[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]

Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed.

. . .

[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]

Owner: No rats.

Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu.

...

[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]

Joel: [as Owner] No strangling, not allowed.

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]

Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?

Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]

Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?

Paul: "Stacked"?

Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.

Joel: [as Sheriff Townsend/Skipper to Paul] Where's the little body, little buddy?

Sheriff Townsend: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?

Crow [as Sheriff]: The sound of one hand clapping?

[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]

Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.

Joel: Must be a talent meter.

Robot Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)

[Servo sneezes violently]

Joel: Bless you!

Crow: Gesundheit.

Joel: You're not supposed to do that...

Servo: That stirred up my RAMS real bad.

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)

Servo: [being dragged back to his seat by Joel] This is Buddhist! You invented us to suffer!

Joel: [of Servo and Crow griping] I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design!

[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]

Joel: Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back.

Robot Monster (movie)

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]

Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me!

Servo: [in a dopey tone of voice] Okay!

Ro-Man: Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.

Joel [as Ro-Man]: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

Servo: [a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays] It's a V-2 rocket!

Crow: Could've had a V-8! [Joel slaps Crow upside the head] Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke!

Servo: I thought it was hilarious! [Joel slaps Servo on the dome]

[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]

Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.

Crow: He's so negative!

[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]

Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.

Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.

[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]

Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.

[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]

Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!

Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?

Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!

Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.

Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?

Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

Crow: [while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home] It's the Berlin Wall!

Joel: Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleavland.

[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]

Crow: Is this the end of the film, Joel?

Joel: Uh, I don't think it is.

Servo: You ever had deja vu, Joel?

Joel: Huh? What?

[after the third time they repeat themselves]

Joel: We've gotta get out of here.

Servo: This is pathetic! [pause] You ever had deja vu, Joel?

Crow: Stop it!

The Slime People

Crow: [in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up] Here's a little morning poem. Birdie with the yellow bill hopped upon my windowsill; cocked his shining eye and said "What's for breakfast, Grandma?".

Dr. Ernhardt: [during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I?

Dr. Forrester: Enjoy!

Cotton Candy: [as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww!

Dr. Forrester: Well, what do you think of that?

Joel: [disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think!

Joel: [of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all] The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public.

Servo: Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist!

Joel: I guess you're right.

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]

Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?

Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!

Crow: [as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen] Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400!

Cody: [in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen] Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain.

Crow: [as Joan, making a phone call] Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway!

The Slime People (movie)

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]

Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".

Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

Cal Johnson: [after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss] Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People.

Crow: [continuing as Cal] Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours.

[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]

Gregory: [towards Tolliver] Noone's home! Genius waits for no one!

Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.

. . .

[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]

Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!

Servo: Even in Tijuana!

. . .

[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]

Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!

[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]

Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.

Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.

Crow: At night.

Joel: In a fog.

Project Moonbase

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)

Servo: [as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen] By this time, my lungs were aching for air!

Project Moonbase (movie)

[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]

Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.

Joel: [reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM] Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute.

Crow: We built this city on Spacom!

Servo: Instead of rock and roll?

Crow: Yep.

Joel: [commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects] Art design by M.C. Escher!

Robot Holocaust

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)

Crow: [Cody's spaceship prepares to take off] Ron Howard pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust!

...

(the short suddenly cuts to white)

Joel: W-What happened?

Crow: Hey...

Servo: What?

(an image of the Mads holding a broken film reel with thought bubbles saying "Oops!" and "Film broke" is shown while cheesy music plays)

Joel: The film broke?

(Joel and the bots start booing and throwing things at the screen)

Robot Holocaust (movie)

Servo: [reading the actor credits] Andrew Howarth?

Crow: Fine; howarth you?

Servo: Classic!

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]

Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?

Torque: Yes!

Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?

Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.

Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?

Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?

Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.

Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]

Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—

Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.

[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]

Valeria: Dawk One, please...

The Dark One: Torque, take her away from my sight!

Valeria: No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to yu!

Joel: Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it?

[A severed head rolls past]

Servo: Oh, it's a spare!

Crow: Gutter head.

Crow [as Deeja]: [after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One] Dad, you're a tulip bulb!

Moon Zero Two

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]

Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!

Joel: Yeah.

Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.

. . .

Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?

Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.

Servo: Why would they use cartoons?

Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.

Servo: [dubiously] Ah.

[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]

Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.

Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.

Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.

Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.

[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]

Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!

. . .

[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]

Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?

Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]

Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!

[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]

Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!

¹

Untamed Youth

[a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]

Crow: [as a police officer] After him! He's hiding behind those credits!

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]

Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?

Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]

Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.

Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.

Crow: Maybe it's Aida.

Bob Steele: [telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"] That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.

Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]

Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!

Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?

Servo: I don't wanna know.

The Black Scorpion

[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]

Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.

Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!

. . .

Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…

Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!

[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]

Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.

Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.

[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]

Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.

[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]

Crow: [as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!

Servo: [as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!

Joel: [adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.

[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]

Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!

Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!

Crow: Only mounted. ^[N]

Servo: [as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos] It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday!

[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]

Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—

Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.

Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.

Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.

[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]

Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…

Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.

[The passengers flee the train.]

Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

Season 2

Rocketship X-M

Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?

Crow: I'm for it.

TV's Frank: Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster?

Joel: Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester?

TV's Frank: I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing.

[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]

Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better.

Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!

Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!

Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!

Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!

[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]

Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!

Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!

Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!

[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]

Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.

[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]

Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.

Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?

Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!

The Sidehackers

[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]

Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!

[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]

Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.

Paisley: Why can't I reach you?

Crow: There's a ladder in the way.

J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother!

Crow: Not a good brother...

Big Jake: He hit Big Jake!

[camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]

Crow: We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast.

Crow: For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. ^[N]

Jungle Goddess

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)

[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]

Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."

Jungle Goddess (movie)

[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]

Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.

Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet.

[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]

Bob: No doubt about it. It's kronotite.

Mike: Are you sure?

Bob: I'd stake my life on it.

Crow: That's already in the kitty, Bob.

[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]

Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?

Crow: White fascist getting smart?

Catalina Caper

Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.

Don Pringle: Don Pringle.

Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.

[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]

Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!

. . .

Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!

Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!

Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!

Katrina: His name is Angelo.

Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]

Servo: I feel a number coming on…

Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!

Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.

Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!

Rocket Attack U.S.A.

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)

Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)

[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]

Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!

Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?

Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?

Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!

Joel: Is right for five points.

[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]

Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.

Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!

[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]

General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.

Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?

[General Watkins answers his phone.]

General: Hello?

Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?

General: Yes!

Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]

Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?

Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

[New York has just been nuked.]

Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.

[The very first MST3K "stinger"]

Blind Guy: Help me.

Ring of Terror

Ring of Terror (movie)

[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]

Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.

[He puts on a sweater.]

Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.

Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]

Crow: I'm a lamp.

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]

Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up!

Wild Rebels

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]

Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.

Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.

Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.

Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]

Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.

Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]

Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me!

[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]

Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada!

Lost Continent

[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]

Crow: Oh, look! A V-2!

Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8!

[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]

Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?

Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!

Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.

Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!

Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]

Crow: Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film!

Crow: Come on, God, why, why, why?! [groans]

Servo: This is-this is a madhouse, a madhouse! [groans]

Joel: Ugh, I never knew mountain time was so slow.

Servo: Please.

Lt. Danny Wilson: Stay with me, baby.

Crow: Come on, "stay with me, baby", is that all you can say?! [sobbing]

Servo: Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! [sobbing]

Joel: Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay?

The Hellcats

Biker: [to Ross Hagen] Where ya from?

Servo: Sidehackers.

Artist: [Stumbling around drunk and high] Roses are green. Violets are red...'

Joel [as Artist]: I like to shoot heroin straight into my head.

King Dinosaur

Dr. Forrester: [after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist!

Crow: [while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn).

Joel: This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time!

[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]

Servo: It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.

Joel: Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun!

Crow: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more.

Joel: That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me!

Servo: Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.

Joel: [as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story.

Servo: [singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!

Joel: [as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way.

...

Servo: L is for "Lemur"...

Joel: [as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said!

Crow: E is for "eat".

Joel: [as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure!

Crow: M is for "monkey"!

Joel: [as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show!

Servo: U is for "unusual"...

Crow: ...and "unpredictable"!

Joel: [as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go!

Servo: [uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"...

Crow: ...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]

Joel: [as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo!

Servo: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur!

Crow: Friend to all mankind!

X Marks the Spot (short)

[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]

Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?

Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.

[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]

Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.

Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.

Commissioner Magee: We kill…

Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.

Commissioner Magee: …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.

Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!

. . .

Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

[The scene fades to an intersection]

Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.

Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley."

Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...

Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.

[Scene pans to a car approaching]

Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...

[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]

Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.

Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!

[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]

Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]

Servo: [as Judge] Dear Diary... it's hard being God.

Angel: [while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court] I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble...

Crow: [as the Angel] But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!".

Judge: [addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate?

Joe: Oh; I never hit-and-run.

Joel: [as Judge] Well, that changes everything!

Judge: If you did, then you'd be booked in- [clears throat]

Crow: In phlegm?

Judge: -in a lower court. You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it.

Crow: [as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta-

King Dinosaur (movie)

[the movie begins with a credit for producer Robert Lippert, who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]

Servo: Lippert? Oh, yikes!

Joel: Mars is extending us a welcome!

Servo: French-fried potatoes!

Narrator: [introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova] If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. [Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully] On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City.

Crow: [as Dr. Gordon] I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word.

Narrator: [cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation] The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet.

Servo: Yes, it's not very polite.

Narrator: Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas.

Joel: And she's cute too.

[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]

Joel: [as John F. Kennedy ] I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you.

[one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]

Crow: [as scientist/Martin Brody] I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?

[while the scientists attempt to flee from a ~~iguana~~ dinosaur with their ~~kinkajou~~ lemur in tow]

Servo: [to the "dinosaur"] Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey?

Joel: [as Joey] No!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here!

[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" ~~iguana~~ T. rex.]

Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!

Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!

Servo: [as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation] Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb.

Joel: [in a sing-song voice] Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide!

First Spaceship on Venus

[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]

Brinkman: Sumiko!

Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.

Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?

Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!

[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]

Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]

Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]

Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?

Godzilla vs. Megalon

Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]

Goro: Hey! The rocket!

Servo: [Snorts] Rockets!

Crow: On a picnic?

. . .

Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!

Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!

. . .

[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]

Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?

Joel: Yeah.

Servo: Yep!

Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]

Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!

Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!

[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]

Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...

. . .

[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]

Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals.

[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]

Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.

[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]

Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?

Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!

Goro: They're controlling him.

Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!

Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]

Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?

Joel: Um, no.

Servo: Not this kid.

. . .

Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!

[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]

Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...

. . .

Crow: He's got a foreign object!

Servo: He is a foreign object!

[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]

Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.

[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]

Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!

Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?

Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!

Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]

Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!

[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]

Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]

Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!

Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country!

[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]

Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!

[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]

Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]

Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!

[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]

Servo: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.^[N]

[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]

Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!

Season 3

Cave Dwellers

[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]

Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?

Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!

Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.

Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!

[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]

Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!

[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]

Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.

Servo [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?

[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]

Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.

Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.

[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]

Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]

Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!

Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!

[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]

Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]

Servo: ...what?

[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]

Servo: Uh... folks, we have snakes growling here...

[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]

Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!

Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.

. . .

Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!

[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]

Servo: Oh, come on.

Crow: What the…?!

Servo: [laughs]

Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!

Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…

[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]

Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.

Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.

[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]

Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.

[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]

Crow: Uh— huh?

Joel: How'd he do that?

Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?

[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]

Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.

Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

Gamera

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]

Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]

Crow: Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound.

Servo: [defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. [Scoffs]

Kenny: [looking for his turtle] You there?

Servo: [beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby...

Kenny: Tibby?

Crow: ...or not Tibby.

Servo: It's not- Stop it! Shut up!

Kenny: Tibby!

Crow [as Kenny]: Tibby! Tibby! SQUISH! Aww, Tibby!

Servo: [getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop!

Kenny: Tibby??? Tibby!

Joel: What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom.

Servo: [gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible!

Joel: Come on back, come on.

Servo: [returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes?

Joel: Yeah.

[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]

Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!

Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!

Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.

General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.

Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.

[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]

Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...

Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny...

Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.

Servo: More Gamera movies?

[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]

Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.

Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Pod People

[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]

Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

TV's Frank: People vomit?

Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!

[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]

Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing course.

[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]

Hunter #1: What the hell is that?

Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!

Crow: A pear?

[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]

Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?

[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]

Rick: It stinks! ^[N]

[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]

Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.

Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?

Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.

Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?

[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]

Servo: Syntho-birds.

Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.

Joel: They parked next to a data stream.

[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]

Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!

Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy?

Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]

Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.

Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]

Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.

. . .

Tommy: You can do magic things!

[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]

Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.

Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?

Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.

Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.

[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]

Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.

Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!

Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me?

Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you?

(Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly)

Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!

Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)

. . .

Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!!

[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]

Servo: Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists.

[Later:]

Servo: First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with Whispering Firestorm. Then it's Yanni with SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar. Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his Sominex Suite in B-flat. Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space.

Gamera vs. Barugon

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]

Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

Stranded in Space

Time of the Apes

Gypsy: I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house!

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]

Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]

Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!

Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.

Crow: We're doomed, but with you.

Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!

[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]

Catherine: Hurry, this way!

Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!

[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]

Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

Daddy-O

Alphabet Antics (short)

[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]

Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.

[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]

Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of".

. . .

Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva!

[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]

Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar.

[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]

Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside.

[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]

Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.

. . .

[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]

Joel: And there's Elvis now.

. . .

[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]

Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?

[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]

Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.

Narrator: O is for once...

Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?

. . .

[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]

Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals.

. . .

Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!

Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! ^[N]

[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]

Crow: Hey, these are all boys!

. . .

Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!

Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting]

Narrator: X is for Xmas...

Servo: X is for existential dilemma.

Servo: Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned.

[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]

Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!

[As the film ends]

Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

Daddy-O (movie)

[Upon seeing title of movie]

Crow: Daddy-O!

Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]

Crow [as Chillas]: Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane!

[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]

Crow [as Chillas]: You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor.

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]

Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!

[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]

Phil: What's this?

Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.

[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]

Man in Hat: Anything new to tell me?

Servo [as Phil]: [straining] Rosebud, was a sled.

Gamera vs. Gaos

[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]

Crow: Oh, bless you.

[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]

Crow: [startled] Was he mooing?

Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!

Joel: Crazy Boy!

[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]

Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.

The Amazing Colossal Man

[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]

Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!

Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.

Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.

Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!

Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!

[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]

Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

Fugitive Alien

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]

Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]

This is the song written for the train chase.

This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!

He tried to kill me with a forklift…

Olé!

Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?

Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

It Conquered the World

Snow Thrills (short)

[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]

Servo: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.

[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]

Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!

Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit.

. . .

[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]

Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

It Conquered the World (movie)

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]

Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.

Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.

Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.

Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.

. . .

[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]

Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?

Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!

Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.

Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.

Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!

[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]

Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

Gamera vs. Guiron

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]

Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best

Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]

Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

[An establishing shot of Gaos]

Joel: Here comes old flattop...

Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!

Joel: Oops, sorry!

[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]

Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]

Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?

Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!

Joel: They ate my hair?

[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]

[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]

Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]

Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]

Tom's Mother: Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom.

Crow: It's Vanessa Redgrave!

[Aiko's mother approaches]

Aiko's Mother: Hello Elsa...

Servo: Hello, Inga.

Tom's Mother: Hello, thank you.

Joel: Hello!

Tom's Mother: ...thank you again.

Servo: Hello.

Crow: Thank you.

Joel: Hello.

Aiko's Mother: ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned.

Joel: Thank you.

Tom's Mother: I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it?

Crow: Hello.

Aiko's Mother: No, and there's no use to ask her...

[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]

Servo [as Tomoko]: I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me!

Tom's Mother: ...you said space?

Aiko's Mother: Yeah.

Joel: Hello!

Aiko's Mother: ...much longer.

Servo, Crow, and Joel: Thank you!

Aiko's Mother: So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up.

Servo: Hahahaha...

Servo, Crow, and Joel: Hello!

Crow: That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you!

Joel: Hello.

Crow: Thank you.

Aiko's Mother: ...much longer.

Tom's Mother: Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay.

Joel: Thank you.

Servo [as Tom's Mother]: I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you!

Aiko's Mother: ...please drop in for tea.

Crow: Hello.

Tom's Mother: Thanks, but I'm in a hurry.

Aiko's Mother: I see...

Servo: Thank you.

Crow: Bye.

Joel: Hello, and thank you!

[Tom's mother gets in her car]

Crow: Thank you for going.

Joel: Hello.

Servo [as Tom's Mother]: Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello!

[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]

Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving! And thank you!

Tomoko: Hello!

Servo: [laughing] Hello!

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]

Tomoko: Kon-chan?

Officer Kondo: Heh? What?

Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]

Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Earth vs. the Spider

Speech: Using Your Voice (short)

Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...

Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...

[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]

Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.

Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

Professor Bueller: Do you know...

Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.

[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]

Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...

Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!

[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]

Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.

[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]

Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.

[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]

Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...

Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...

Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...

Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.

Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...

Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead.

Earth vs. the Spider (movie)

[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]

Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!

Servo: Wow.

Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! ^[N]

[Joel mentions KISS]

Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!

[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]

Crow: It's Rose Kennedy!

Mighty Jack

[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]

Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a–

Servo: No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]

Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down

Way hey, slow the plot down!

We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.

Way hey, slow the plot down!

Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Teenage Caveman

Aquatic Wizards (short)

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.

Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!

[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

Servo: Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's!

Announcer: This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water.

Crow: This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur!

Servo [as Anouncer]: Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why?!

Catching Trouble (short)

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]

Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.

Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!

Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."

Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!

Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. ^[N]

[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]

Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?

Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice?

Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.

Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]

Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?

Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?

Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...

Crow: ...or call PETA!

[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]

Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?

Joel: [as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross] Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together!

Servo: [in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy Catching Trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you!

Joel: Any questions?

Teenage Caveman (movie)

[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]

Crow: How green was my valley?

Joel: Not very.

Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!

Crow: But not as interesting.

Gamera vs. Zigra

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent

Joel: [singing] W is for the many ways that you're served

Crow: [singing] A is for the admiration you deserve

Gypsy: [singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

Servo: [singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none!

Joel: [singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

Tom: Triple time!

Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love--

Gypsy: Send me up another please!

Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Oh, waffles we love--

Servo: Top mine off with runny cheese!

Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love--

Crow: Chili waffles suit me fine!

Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love--

Joel: Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu!

Servo: Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles.

Crow: [appears dressed in a waffle costume]No waffles?

Servo: Ah, who are you?

Crow: Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing?

Servo: Sure.

Crow: [suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad?

Joel: [as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have-

Crow: [as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles!

Joel: [as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles?

Crow: [as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise]

The Home Economics Story (short)

[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]

Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!

Servo [singing]: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...

[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]

Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.

Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?

[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]

Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.

Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.

[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]

Crow [as Matronly Woman]: I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe!

[Kay is discussing college with her family.]

Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara.

Joel: And Ayn Rand!

[As Kay sends her application letter.]

Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.

Crow: (chuckles maniacly)

Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.

[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]

Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!

Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]

Crow [as Jean]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals!

[At a costume design class]

Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

[A football game is starting.]

Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.

Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!

[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]

Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!

[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]

Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.

Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.

Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work?

Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen?

. . .

Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?

Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!

. . .

Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.

Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.

[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]

Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!

[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]

Joel [as announcer] Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.

Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"?

Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...

[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]

Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road.

Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street...

Servo [singing]: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...

[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]

Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.

Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina.

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie)

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]

Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]

Crow: IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!!

Joel: Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow!

[They rush out of the theater]

Joel: TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him!

Crow [on Shatner mode]: A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]

Joel: Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo!

Crow [on Shatner mode]: But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! :[breaking character]Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]

Joel: Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance!

Crow: [sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know...

Gypsy: Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :[singing] What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue,

[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]

Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.

Ken: How will we do it?

Rocky: Easy.

Servo: Wha— wait a minute.

[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]

Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?

[Ken shoots down Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders.]

Joel: Where have I seen this before?

Servo: Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?

Crow: Yeah...

Joel: Yep.

War of the Colossal Beast

Mr. B Natural (short)

[Confused about a name in the opening credits]

Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?

Servo: "A sick cookie".

Joel: Oh.

Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the background music in the opening credits]

Come on and buy some crap from us

You know that you want to

And the white race will salute you

As you prance and gad about!

[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]

Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!

Crow: Well, it's not mutual!

Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did!

Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!

Mr. B Natural: And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!

Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!

Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you.

Crow: No, I bathe.

Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)

[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]

Joel [as Jim]: Got it from the Franklin Mint!

[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]

Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!

Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!

Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...

Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!

Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...

Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.

Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...

Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".

Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!

Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.

[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]

Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.

Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?

Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."

Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!

Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!

Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?

[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]

Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.

Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!

[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]

Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.

Servo: Kicks!

Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...

Servo: Kicks!

Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...

Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!

Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!

Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!

Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]

Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?

Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.

Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!

[Mr. B dances to some music.]

Crow: He's so perky... kill her.

Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]

Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

Crow: [in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.

[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]

Joel: Honey West!

[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]

Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]

Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.

Crow: This trumpet is flatlining!

[Buzz is performing at a school dance]

Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...

. . .

Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.

. . .

Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...

. . .

[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]

Joel: It stinks!

Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]

Joel: Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay?

Crow, Servo: Okay.

Joel: All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow!

Crow: Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt.

Servo: [leaning in] Not a chance, fat bot!

Crow: Hey, c'mon...

Joel: [pushes Servo back] Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again!

Crow: Thank you, commissioner. [clears throat] We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late...

Joel: Get to the point, Mr. Robot!

Crow: The point, sir, is: Breasts.

Servo: D'... Huh?

Crow: Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly un-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo?

[Servo laughs nervously]

Crow: When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman.

Joel: Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo!

Servo: [parody of a posh Ivy League accent] Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh...

Joel: [interrupting] Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No William F. Buckley impersonations under threat of a point reduction!

Servo: [normal voice] Okay, sorry. [clears throat] Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him!

Joel: Mr. Servo, you're evading the question!

Servo: If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could all be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor.

Joel: Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut.

Crow: Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me! Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural is a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not...

Joel: Mr. Servo, your rebuttal!

Servo: Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down all the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo--

Joel: [abruptly ending the debate] Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry.

War of the Colossal Beast (movie)

[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]

100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!

Take one down, pass it around,

99 years of solitude!

[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]

Joyce Manning: Could this be Glen's?

Servo: No, no, the whorl pattern is completely wrong.

Sheriff: [upon discovering a giant footprint] Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall.

Joyce: Glen was sixty feet tall.

Crow: Think there's a connection?

[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]

Servo: That's right, Bert, spare us nothing.

The Unearthly

Posture Pals (short)

[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]

Joel: Avis Films, we try harder.

Servo: The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.

[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]

Joel: My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic.

Crow, Servo: Hi, Sally.

[over a shot of the four kids]

Narrator: And these four children are especially important about the four things.

Joel: 'Cause they're on the payroll.

[talking about the posture contest]

Narrator: The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.

Joel: Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats.

Narrator: Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement.

Servo: Hey, who wouldn't be?

[as the kids look at their posture drawings]

Joel: That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.

Narrator: But they are not happy with what they see.

Servo: They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!

Narrator: For Tommy is indeed surprised...

Crow [as Tommy]: No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!

Narrator: ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.

Joel: He's got VPL.

Servo: Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!

Narrator: Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...

Crow [as Jimmy]: Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!

Narrator: He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.

Servo [as Narrator]: Just like his dad on Friday night!

Narrator: And what gives Jane her worried frown?

Joel: Valium?

Narrator: Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.

Servo: All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.

Narrator: Our Mary is a happy girl...

Servo: (imitates repeated burping)

Narrator: ...with hollowed chest and tired head.

Crow: She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham.

Servo: Thank you, Sam-I-Am.

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]

Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.

Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]

Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?

Crow: Yes, very much so.

[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]

Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

[Servo makes broken spine noises]

[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]

Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]

Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—

Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!

Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.

Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Tom: Heh-heh... what?

Narrator: At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.

[A silhouette appears on screen]

Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!

Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast!

[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]

Narrator: Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.

Joel: And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

[Mary is voted posture queen]

Crow: FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!

[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]

Servo: Then Mary's head is lit on fire!

Narrator: And the other three children win the other posture crowns.

Servo: Definitely a fix.

Narrator: Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?

Joel, Crow, Servo: NO!

. . .

Crow: Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life.

Appreciating Our Parents (short)

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]

Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...

Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break.

Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.

Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

The Unearthly (movie)

[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]

Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?

[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]

Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.

[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]

Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]

Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?

Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.

. . .

[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]

Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!

Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!

[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]

Lobo: Time for go to bed!

Joel: Well said.

[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]

Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie...

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

[On The Satellite of Love]

Crow T. Robot: Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. Joel Robinson: You wrote a Christmas song? Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Tom Servo: Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow T. Robot: Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House. Tom Servo: C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? Crow T. Robot: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? Joel RObinson: C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. Crow T. Robot: All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. Joel Robinson: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow T. Robot: Right. Hit it, Cambot!

[music starts]

Tom Servo: Oh. Oh, I start. I get it.

Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in

CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin

JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing

ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing

TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!

CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear

Joel Robinson: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it.

[music stops]

Joel Robinson: Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. Crow T. Robot: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? Joel Robinson: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. Crow T. Robot: Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! Tom Servo: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.

[music resumes]

Tom Servo: Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. Crow T. Robot: Thank you.

TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar

CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car

JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till

ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all

And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all!

TOM La la la la la la Ha ha!

Crow T. Robot: How long before it becomes a standard? Joel Robinson: I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon!

[Joel drags Crow out]

Tom Servo: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh.

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]

Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]

Crow [as TV Announcer]:For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]

Kimar: Now, go to sleep!

Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.

Bomar: I want to see more toys!

Kimar: No, go to sleep!

Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?

Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!

[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]

Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.

Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]

Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]

Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.

Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

. . .

Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet!

Santa: Oh, this'll never do!

Joel: [as Santa] We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!

Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.

[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]

Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!

TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…

Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.

TV's Frank: Yah…

Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.

TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!

Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.

TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! ^[N]

Master Ninja I

[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]

Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!

Crow: Office?! That's a car.

[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]

Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.

Max: I'm going off duty for the day.

Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.

Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?

Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...

[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]

Okasa: The old man hired you?

McAlister: I am not for hire.

Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...

McAlister: The dark times have gone.

Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!

[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]

Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.

Servo: We'll be the judge of that.

Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.

Max: We're being followed!

Servo [as McAllister]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!

[The van makes a sharp left.]

Crow [as McAllister]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!

Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.

Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! ^[N]

. . .

[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]

Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBER!

[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]

Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBERRRRRR!

[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]

Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.

Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

Max: You all right?

Joel [as McAllister]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

The Castle of Fu Manchu

Crow: Staring contest on the left. Check it out.

Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu.
Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not.

Tom Servo: [while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~

Crow: C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it!

Tom Servo: (as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)

Crow: Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!

Joel: Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.

Servo: (while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!

Crow: I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?

Joel: Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.

Servo: You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)

Crow: Better you than me!

Joel: Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!

Dr. Forrester: (watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?

Crow: What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies!

Joel: (after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?!

Dr. Forrester: (mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)

Servo: Oh... King's on his throne.

Dr. Forrester: (gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now.

Joel: You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime!

Dr. Forrester: You're sounding like a Hallmark card.

TV's Frank: (after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.

Dr. Forrester: (angrily) Frank!

Joel, Crow, and Servo: Gotcha!

Master Ninja II

[After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]

McAlister: I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you.

Servo: Usually they run away screaming.

[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]

Max: I'm here. Are you?

Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.

Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]

Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.

[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]

Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

Season 4

Space Travelers

[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]

Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.

The Giant Gila Monster

[The film's title appears on the screen]

Joel, Crow & Servo: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]

Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"

Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.

Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"

Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]

Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]

Servo [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!

[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]

Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]

Chase: Two twenties!

Servo: That makes thirty dollars!

City Limits

TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.

[Frank turns to Morrissey]

TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?

Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?

TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.

Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...

[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]

Woody: I lost a tooth.

Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!

[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]

Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.

Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.

Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]

Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!

Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]

Servo: No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.

Crow: The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.

[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]

Servo: Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it does say that Boy George rides in flinging molotov cocktails.

[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]

Mick: You're nothin'.

Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.

Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—

Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

Mick: We ain't stupid.

Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.

Crow: Not on screen anyway.

[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]

Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits!

[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]

Servo [as Albert]: This is F.U.N.

Teenagers from Outer Space

[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]

Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.

[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]

Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!

Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!!

Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!

Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!

[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]

Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."

Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?

[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]

Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"]

I have often walked down the street before,

But I've never done it packing heat before…

[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]

Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!

Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!

Betty: Where are you from Derek?

Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

Being from Another Planet

TV's Frank: [introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point.

[Watching the title credit]

Servo: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

Servo: [reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem.

Joel: Sam Chew [Jr]?

Crow: Gesundheit.

Joel: Thank you.

[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]

Crow: [as skelton/Martha Raye] Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth!

[Establishing shot of hospital]

Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!

Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!

Servo: Yeah!

Servo: [over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

Joel: Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?

Servo: Worse (than that), worse.

Crow: What about Sidehackers?

Servo: Worse.

Joel: Cave Dwellers?

Servo: Worse.

Crow: Catalina Caper?

Servo: Worse.

Joel: Pod People?

Servo: Worse!

Crow: Hellcats?

Servo: Oh, worse.

Joel: Daddy-O?

Servo: Worse!

Crow: Rocket Attack USA?

Servo: Worse.

Joel: Earth vs. the Spider?

Servo: Definitely worse.

Crow: Ring of Terror?

Servo: Worse!

Joel: It Conquered the World?

Servo: Uh... yeah, worse!

[Some time later]

Joel: The Manchingo Coniglium?

Servo: [uncertain] Oh, huh?

Crow: Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better!

Servo: [This movie]'s a ton worse.

[even later still]

Crow: How about The Castle of Fu Manchu?

Servo: Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Attack of the Giant Leeches

[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]

Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?

Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times!

Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?

[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]

Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!

Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?

[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]

Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

Magic Voice: Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist!

Clown #1: Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that!

Joel: [to the Clowns] I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! [Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)

[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]

Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!

Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!

Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.

Servo: He'll make several of them!

Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)

[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]

Servo: Oh, Mommy!

Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!

Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

The Killer Shrews

Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]

Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.

Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style!

Narrator: Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em.

Crow: Hey, kids, you ever read The Ox-Bow Incident?

Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.

Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.

Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild!

Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay.

[After a successful cattle roping]

Narrator: Eight seconds.

Joel [as the boy]: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

Narrator: He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle.

Joel [as the rider]: I ammmmmmmmm!

Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.

Joel: It's sad, really.

Servo: [singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

The Killer Shrews (movie)

[The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]

Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours…

Servo [as Narrator]: …plus a delicious shake.

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]

Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]

Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!

Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger!

[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]

Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]

Crow, Servo: [singing]

Killer shrew! Killer shrew!

Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!

He comes out at night to give you a fright.

Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!

Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh

Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!

He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.

He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]

Servo: Puppies!

Hercules Unchained

[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]

Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

Gypsy: [singing] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! [bashes her face into the harp]

[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]

Crow [as Ulysses]: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece.

Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake!

Servo: Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"!

Indestructible Man

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)

Crow: [imitates Billy] Shut up, Diane!

Indestructible Man (movie)

[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]

Joel: Only millions of Christians.

[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]

Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.

Crow [as Chaney]: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...

[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]

Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

Crow: [as Lon Chaney] I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside!

[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]

Servo: Oh, please. He should quit his job. Strippers make way more money than cops!

Hercules Against the Moon Men

[Repeated Lines]

Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!!

[TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]

TV's Frank [high]: See me, feel me, touch me!

Dr. Forrester: Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank.

Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.

TV's Frank [high]: I am the button. [Leaves]

[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]

Servo [as Hercules]: Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long!

[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]

Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]: Pizza, pizza.

=

[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]

Joel: This film has aged me...

Crow: I know how she feels.

Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move?

Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.

Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.

Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.

[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]

Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!

[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]

Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!

[Shot of barren moonscape]

Servo: We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.

Crow: Rush Limbaugh?

Joel: No, that would be more like Hell.

[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]

Servo [as a rock monster]: Wanna get stoned? [pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]

Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned!

[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]

Servo [as a rock monster]: Wanna get stoned? [pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]

Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned!

Crow: Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?

Gypsy: No way...

Crow: Not Richard Basehart!

Gypsy [upset]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?

Crow: [matter-of-factly] It's really not that good!

Joel: Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]

Crow: AAAAAAGH!

The Magic Sword

Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.

[The knights face an ogre.]

Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no!

[George fights a two-headed dragon.]

Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets!

Crow: Hey...

Joel: Sorry.

[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]

Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.

[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]

Crow: [singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!

Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH!

Crow: [continues singing, ignoring Servo] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

Hercules and the Captive Women

[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]

Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!

Joel: [trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.

Gypsy: [catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...

[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]

Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!

Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!

Crow: [recurring, as Timoteo] I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!

[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] The Simpsons...

Ismene: Today is dedicated to Uranus.

Crow: [as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh?

Crow: When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront.

Crow: For Herc, these are just acceptable losses.

[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]

Antinea: On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed.

Ismene: Mother, you can't mean-

Antinea: You must die.

Crow: Boy, she's really strict.

Ismene: No... I don't want to die.

Servo: [mock crying] I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live!

Joel: [as Antinea] You stop or I'll give you something to cry about.

[Antinea's guards arrive]

Antinea: Take her away.

Servo: [as Antinea] And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady!

[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]

Servo: Remember the Alamo!

Crow: Storm the Bastille!

Joel: Give us Barabbas!

All: Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...?

[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]

All: [as the pile of bodies] We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...

Joel: [to Gypsy] Richard Basehart!

Gypsy: Don't patronize me, Joel!

[as Atlantis crumbles in the climax]

Queen Antinea: [pleading to a statue of their god Uranus] You must protect me, mighty Uranus!

Joel: [as Uranus] Bite me; I'm a statue.

Timoteo: [after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles] I really would've prefered he hit somebody.

Crow: [as Androcles] Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella.

Manhunt in Space

General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)

[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]

Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu.

[An elderly Dr. Steve Hardy appears on-screen.]

Crow: Hey, he was old even then!

Servo: [as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient] The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes.

Manhunt in Space (movie)

[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]

Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo!

Joel: [aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...

Servo: Oh, uh... [whistles innocently.]^[N]

Tormented

[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]

Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!

Crow: Bingo!

. . .

[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]

Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!

Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.

Vi: Save me, Tom, please!

Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]

Tom: Meg's mad at me.

Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!

Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.

Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!

The Beatniks

Gypsy: [rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel] GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!

General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)

Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.

Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...

[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]

Joel: Congratulations, you're one second into the film!

Crow: Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies.

Joel: Booze takes a dull party and makes it better!

Tom Servo: Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds.

All singing in unison: B-double O-Z-E, booze! [Crow hiccups]

The Beatniks (movie)

Moony: Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. [makes a crack noise and laughs]

Crow: I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing.

Eddie: [singing] Leather coat...

Servo: ...Dish of ice cream!

Eddie: ...duck-bill hair.

Crow: Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here!

Eddie: Call me wild...

Joel: ...Oscar Wilde!

Eddie: ...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.

Eddie: [singing] Anything...

Joel: ...Is better than this crap!

Moony: I killed that fat Barkeep!

Crow: Then we can ride Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Fire Maidens of Outer Space

[An example of Crow Syndrome.]

Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"

Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?

Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!

Servo: All right, yeah!

Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"

Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"

Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"

Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.

Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder!

Crash of the Moons

Servo:Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you!

Gypsy: Really?

Servo: And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could--

Crow: Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy?

Gypsy: I can't decide.

Crow: Can't decide? Well maybe this will help.

[At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down]

Joel: Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it.

Dr. Forrester: DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!

TV's Frank: Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram!

Bavaro: Boopie!

Dr. Forrester: [screams as screen cuts to black]

TV's Frank: Hi, Bavaro.

General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)

[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]

Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?

Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.

Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

Crash of the Moons (movie)

[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]

Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hup, 2, 3, 4!

Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…

Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…

[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]

Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.

Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!

Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.

Joel, Servo: [singing] For yooooou!

Attack of the the Eye Creatures

[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]

Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?

[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]

Air Force Officer: Now take off!

Joel:...to the great White North!

Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold!

Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude!

Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police?

Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!

[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]

Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!

[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]

Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives?

[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]

Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.

. . .

Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.

. . .

Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

The Rebel Set

Gypsy: [slowly] "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?"

Joel: Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be. According to Merritt Stone.

Servo: [offscreen] HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE!

Johnny at the Fair (short)

Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.

Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.

Joel: Simulated culture like Disney World.

Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery."

Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!

Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go!

Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.

Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?

Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.

Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.

[Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around]

Servo: And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal!

Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".

Joel: Oh, we've all been there.

[Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds]

Servo: Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner.

[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]

Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]

Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.

Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]

Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"

Servo: What?

Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."

Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.

[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]

Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."

Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.

Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.

The Rebel Set (movie)

John Mapes: [introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl] Look, Kate, I am a gentleman.

"Kate": That I'll try.

Crow: [disgusted] Oh, great; another oily unlikable character!

John Mapes: I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again!

"Kate": So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.

Servo: It's Ms. Hathaway!

"Kate": And if no gentleman, why then no arm?

John Mapes: A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books!

"Kate": Ha-ha, what is your crest? [loops] A coxcomb? A coxcomb?

Servo: [alongside the loop] A Henry Miller.

Joel: [as Mapes shuts off the record] Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already.

Cafe Patron: [to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving] King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart.

Crow: [as patron] My husband's very hip at home!

King Invader: [short pause] I am bugged...!

Joel: God of facial hair!

King Invader: ...beyond recall!

The Human Duplicators

[The title screen displays the title backwards...]

Crow: Eht Numah Srotacilpud!

[...then "duplicates" it normally.]

Crow: ...Oh.

Gale: So say something!

Crow [as Martin]: "Something!"

Martin: "Something."

Crow: D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one.

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]

Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!

Servo: Neat!

[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]

Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]

Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.

[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]

Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?

Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?

Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.

[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]

Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!

[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]

Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!

Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?

Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—

Joel: Oh, that's enough.

Crow: Oh, don't hit me.

[Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.]

Welles: Welles here.

Crow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]: The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy?

[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]

Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy...

[Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]

Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge.

[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]

Servo [as the Professor, quickly]: Oh my God, you're huge.

Monster A Go-Go

Circus on Ice (short)

[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]

Joel: You got your circus on my ice!

Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!

Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!

[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]

Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...

[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]

Servo: [singing]

These two girls, they make quite a pair.

They both come from your worst night-mare.

They will haunt your soul forever,

And now,

When you see pink,

You're gonna think,

"We're doomed".

They are agents of Satan...

Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...

[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]

Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.

Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!

. . .

Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!

Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...

. . .

Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!

[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]

Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.

. . .

Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!

Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!

. . .

Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]

Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...

Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.

Monster A Go-Go (movie)

[Over the film's title]

Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!

. . .

Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.

Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...

Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.

Joel: Yeah...

Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!

Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.

Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.

Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.

Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...

Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...

[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]

Joel: [reading] The Other Th?

[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]

Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.

[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]

Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.

[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]

Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.

[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]

Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?

Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.

Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help.

Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!

Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!

Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!

[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]

Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...

[Servo bursts out into laughter]

Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?

Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.

[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]

Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...

Servo: "Oops".

Narrator: ..."radiation".

Servo: Oh.

The Day the Earth Froze

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]

Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you?

Crow: I don't know.

Crow: You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants!

Gypsy: Hey, the light meter, Joel! [Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well]

[during Gypsy's One-Woman Show segment]

Gypsy: [singing] There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]

Gypsy: Thank you! Oh, thank you very much.

Servo: If you think you know what a Sampo is, write it down on a piece of paper, throw it away and try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did.

Here Comes the Circus (short)

[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]

Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!

Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!

Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.

[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]

Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...

[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]

Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!

[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]

Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.

Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?

Servo: Oops.

Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!

Servo: Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand!

. . .

Joel: Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?

Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.

Joel: That's better.

Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.

Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.

[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]

Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.

Servo: That's good.

Joel: No, it really is.

Servo: Whatever, Joel.

. . .

[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]

Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this.

[Shot of the crowd cheering]

Crow [as crowd]: We love it when he eats!

[As a trapeze artist swings]

Joel: It's a living!

Crow: Mother, please come home!

Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!

Joel: Oh, stop it!

Servo: She does! Look!

Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.

Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]

Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!

Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.

Servo: This one's on the rebound.

[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]

Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!

Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!

. . .

Crow: Flipped her off.

Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!

Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.

Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare.

[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]

Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.

Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.

[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]

Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!

[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]

Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!

Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.

[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]

Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!

Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]

Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in.

Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

[A clown rings a bell.]

Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!

[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]

Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!

Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.

Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!

Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.

Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.

Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!

Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.

[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]

Crow: KITTIES!

[As trapeze artists fly through the air]

Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?

. . .

Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!

Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...

Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room!

[Over the "The End" card]

Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus.

The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]

Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...

Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...

[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]

Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.

Crow: Can we see the other parts?

Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]

Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!

Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!

[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]

Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!

[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]

Louhi: Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?

Joel: Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]

Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?

Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.

Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.

Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.

[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]

Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!

[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]

Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]

Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"

Bride of the Monster

Hired! Part 1 (short)

[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]

Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.

[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]

Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!

Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]'

Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [[in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.

Joel: [singing] I'm hired