Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.)

KTMA 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21  
S1 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S2 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S3 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S4 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S5 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S6 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S7 01 02 03 04 05 06   MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)  
S8 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22  
S9 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S10 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
Short 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20  
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40  
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60  
Spec 01 02 03 04   Unknown episode   Notes Major cast See also External links

[edit] Notes

  • How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
  • What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
  • How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
  • What do the colors mean? The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:
KTMA: Season 0 Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Season 1 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Season 7 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
Short features (various seasons) (various casts & channels)
CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) Mike & the Bots


[edit] KTMA (Season 0)

[edit] The Green Slime

Man: That's an asteroid!
Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.
[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]

[edit] Invaders from the Deep

[Troy Tempest pilots the Stingray into a crater in the inkiest depths of the ocean bottom.]
Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of a abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

[edit] Revenge of the Mysterons

[edit] Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

[During an effects sequence.]
Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

[edit] Gamera vs. Barugon

Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

[edit] Gamera

[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.
[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]
Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.
[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]
Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel.

[edit] Gamera vs. Gaos

[edit] Gamera vs. Zigra

[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]
Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!
Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey.

[edit] Gamera vs. Guiron

Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

[edit] Phase IV

Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—
Joel: [horrified] Oh no...
Crow: Never mind.
Joel: You don't mean that...
Servo: Ant-orexic.
Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it.
Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.
Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.
[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]
Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point.
Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?
Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank!
Servo: Oh, that's just a given!
[While the end credits roll.]
Crow: I thought it was deep...
Joel: What did you think, Servo?
Servo: I thought it was pathetic.
Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots.
Servo: This made flying turtles look good.

[edit] Cosmic Princess

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.
[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]
Tony: 1... 2...
Servo [as Tony]: 3...
Tony: 5...
Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!
Tony: 6...
Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
Tony: 7... 4.
Crow: Well, they are British.

[edit] Humanoid Woman

Joel: The plot thickens.
Servo: Like rancid pea soup.

[edit] Fugitive Alien

Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.

[edit] SST: Death Flight

[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]
Angela: [vapidly] Hello!
[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.
[Passengers are boarding.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.
[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.
[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]
Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!
Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.
Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right!

[edit] Mighty Jack

[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]
Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?

[edit] Superdome

[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]
Crow: Magnum, deep fried.
[The film ends just before the kickoff.]
Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
Servo: [annoyed] Who won?
Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.
Joel: This movie's history.
Crow: We're history.
Joel: Let's go.
[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]
Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?!

[edit] City on Fire

[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]
Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
[Barry Newman's credit appears.]
Crow: Like Barry Newman.
Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.
Crow: I bet this was made in Canada.
Servo: Oui.
[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]
Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?
Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".
[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!
[A woman is going into labor.]
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!
Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it.
Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.
Tom: She bought it, but we paid for it.

[edit] Time of the Apes

[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?
[Still shot of two gorillas]
Crow: Oh look, it's Shelly Winters and Ernest Borgnine.

[edit] The Million Eyes of Sumuru

[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]
Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
. . .
Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

[edit] Hangar 18

[edit] The Last Chase

[a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!

[edit] Legend of the Dinosaur

Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon!
Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question...
Servo: Why am I watching this?
[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]
Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] The Crawling Eye

[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.
[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]
Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.
[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]
Joel [as mountain, deeply]: I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]
Man: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

[edit] The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)

[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year.
Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?
Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier!

[edit] The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.
[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]
I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.
[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]
Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz?

[edit] Mad Monster

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)

[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]
Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.
[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]
Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

[edit] Mad Monster (movie)

[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]
Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]
Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...
[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]
Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth.
Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.
[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]
Servo: [singing]
Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.
Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL!
[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!
[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.
Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

[edit] Women of the Prehistoric Planet

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!
[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!
[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]
Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?
[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

[edit] The Corpse Vanishes

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)

[edit] The Corpse Vanishes (movie)

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]
Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!
[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark.
. . .
[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]
Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram.
. . .
[The two women hear another knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.
[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.
[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...
[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.
Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
[during the RAM chip segment]
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

[edit] The Crawling Hand

[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.
[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]
Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed.
. . .
[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]
Owner: No rats.
Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu.
[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.
[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
Police Officer: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
Crow [as Officer]: The sound of one hand clapping?
[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.

[edit] Robot Monster

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)

[edit] Robot Monster (movie)

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]
Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.
[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]
Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.
[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]
Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.
[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

[edit] The Slime People

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!

[edit] The Slime People (movie)

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.
[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!
[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog.

[edit] Project Moonbase

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)

[edit] Project Moonbase (movie)

[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]
Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.

[edit] Robot Holocaust

[edit] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)

[edit] Robot Holocaust (movie)

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]
Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—
Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.
[A severed head rolls past]
Servo: Oh, it's a spare!
Crow: Gutter head.

[edit] Moon Zero Two

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]
Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: [dubiously] Ah.
[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]
Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.
Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.
Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.
[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!
. . .
[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.
[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]
Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!
[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!

[edit] Untamed Youth

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]
Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.
[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.
Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.
Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.
[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know.

[edit] The Black Scorpion

[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted.
⇒ Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who was stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.
[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Rocketship X-M

Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?
Crow: I'm for it.
[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]
Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better.
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!
Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]
Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!
Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.
[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]
Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.

[edit] The Sidehackers

[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!
[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]
Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.
Paisley: Why can't I reach you?
Crow: There's a ladder in the way.
J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother!
Crow: Not a good brother...
Big Jake: He hit Big Jake!

[edit] Jungle Goddess

[edit] The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)

[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."

[edit] Jungle Goddess (movie)

[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.
[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?

[edit] Catalina Caper

Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.
[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard--the one true talent in this film!
Katrina: His name is Angelo.
Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!

[edit] Rocket Attack U.S.A.

[edit] The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)

[edit] Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)

[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!
[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?
[General Watkins answers his phone.]
General: Hello?
Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
General: Yes!
Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!
[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.
[New York has just been nuked.]
Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.
[The very first MST3K "stinger"]
Blind Guy: Help me.

[edit] Ring of Terror

[edit] Ring of Terror (movie)

[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]
Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.
[He puts on a sweater.]
Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

[edit] The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up!

[edit] Wild Rebels

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?
[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!
[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]
Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me!

[edit] Lost Continent

[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.
[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]
Crow: Must...try...hard...to...pad...out...the...film!

[edit] The Hellcats

Biker: [to Ross Hagen] Where ya from?
Servo: Sidehackers.

[edit] King Dinosaur

[edit] X Marks the Spot (short)

[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, we can't kill them over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill…
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: … and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
[The scene fades to an intersection]
Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley"
Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.
[Scene pans to a car approaching]
Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...
[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]
Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

[edit] King Dinosaur (movie)

[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.]
Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!
Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!

[edit] First Spaceship on Venus

[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]
Brinkman: Sumiko!
Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?
Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!
[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]
Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.
[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?
[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?

[edit] Godzilla vs. Megalon

Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…
[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]
Jinkawa [to Goro]: Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!
[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not THIS kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa, sarcastically]: Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunchmeat!
[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ... Your uncle was a robot!
[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]
Servo [as Sportscaster]: I don't believe it, ladies and gentlemen! Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!
[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]
Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for levelling our country!
[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]
Goro [into medallion]: Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]
Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!
[The bots' translation of the fabulous Jet Jaguar fight song!]
He jock it made of steel.
Eats sushi from a pail.
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him.
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.
He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.
He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!
Knock, knock, knock!!
Who's there?
He face look like Jack Nicholson.
Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.
Yamahageeooooooh!
<pause>
Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.

[edit] Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]
Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!
[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.
⇒ A reference to the "National Lampoon's "Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue", the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, "The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life", with many Bond girls.
[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Cave Dwellers

[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]
Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?
Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!
Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!
[Two villians have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]
Servo [as one of the villians]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!
[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]
Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
Tom [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?
[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]
Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.
[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.
[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!
[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.
[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!
[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo: [laughs]
Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…
[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.
[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.
[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?
[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

[edit] Gamera

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]
Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!
[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.
[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny...
Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
Servo: More Gamera movies?
[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
[After Servo finishes a song about Tibby the turtle]
Crow: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

[edit] Pod People

[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]
Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!
[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.
[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?
[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]
Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?
[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]
Rick: It stinks!
[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream.
[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.
[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.
[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.
Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!
Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me?
Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you?

[edit] Gamera vs. Barugon

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

[edit] Stranded in Space

[edit] Time of the Apes

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]
Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.
[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!
Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.
Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!
[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!
[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]
Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

[edit] Daddy-O

[edit] Alphabet Antics (short)

Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]:You vill dance for me, Eva!
Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash!
⇒ The narrator's line is lifted from "The Pelican", a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.
[Stock footage of a parade featuring nursery rhyme-themed floats is shown to represent N.]
Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?

[edit] Daddy-O (movie)

[Upon seeing title of movie]
Crow: Daddy-O!
Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.
[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.

[edit] Gamera vs. Gaos

[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]
Crow: Oh, bless you.
[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]
Crow: [startled] Was he mooing?
Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy!
[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]
Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.

[edit] The Amazing Colossal Man

[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]
Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.
Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!
[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!
Servo: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

[edit] Fugitive Alien

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]
This is the song written for the train chase.
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!
Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

[edit] It Conquered the World

[edit] Snow Thrills (short)

[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]
Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.
[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]
Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
. . .
[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]
Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

[edit] It Conquered the World (movie)

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.
. . .
[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!
[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

[edit] Gamera vs. Guiron

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!
[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!
[An establishing shot of Gaos]
Joel: Here comes old flattop...
Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!
Joel: Oops, sorry!
[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]
Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.
[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]
Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
Joel: They ate my hair?
(this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode)
[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]
Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!
[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]
Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving!
[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!
[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

[edit] Earth vs. the Spider

[edit] Speech: Using Your Voice (short)

Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...
[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
Professor Bueller: Do you know...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.
[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!
[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.
[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]
Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.
[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead.

[edit] Earth vs. the Spider (movie)

[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]
Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Servo: Wow.
Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy![N]
[Joel mentions KISS]
Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!
[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]
Crow: It's Rose Kennedy!

[edit] Mighty Jack

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]
Yo ho, slow the plot down.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
We'll keelhaul the plot, then we'll run her aground.
Give me some time to slow the plot down!
Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

[edit] Teenage Caveman

[edit] Aquatic Wizards (short)

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

[edit] Catching Trouble (short)

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
⇒ Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film "A Night at the Opera".
[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!
[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
Crow: ...or call PETA!
[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]
Joel:What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?

[edit] Teenage Caveman (movie)

[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!
Crow: But not as interesting.

[edit] Gamera vs. Zigra

[edit] Viking Women and the Sea Serpent

[edit] The Home Economics Story (short)

[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
[High school girls attend an assembly. A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.
[Kay and her college roommates discuss their home economics majors.]
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
[A football game is starting, and a band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow [in marching cadence]: I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!
[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!
[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]
Voice Over: So what is "Home Economics"?
Crow : Geez, you'd think they would have told us by now...
Crow [as Louise, in a Curly Howard voice]: Hi! Howya doin'? We'll have a great time! We're gonna be pals!

[edit] Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie)

[edit] Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!
[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute.
[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?

[edit] War of the Colossal Beast

[edit] Mr. B Natural (short)

[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!
[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...
Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!
Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.
[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]
Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you read.
Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!
Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!
Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?
[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]
Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did!
Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!
Mr. B Natural: And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!
Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
[Mr. B dances to some music.]
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.
[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

[edit] War of the Colossal Beast (movie)

[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]
100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!

[edit] The Unearthly

[edit] Posture Pals (short)

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.
[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]
[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.
[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
[A silohuette appears on screen]
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!
Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast!
[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]

[edit] Appreciating Our Parents (short)

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break.
Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

[edit] The Unearthly (movie)

[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?
[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]
Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!
[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
. . .
[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]
Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!
[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said.
[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]
Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie...

[edit] Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]
Crow [as TV Announcer]:For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!
[Martian leader Kimar scolds his his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!
[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.
[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.
[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.
[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry!
⇒ A twisted allusion to O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi", about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.

[edit] Master Ninja I

[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car.
[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?
Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.
Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...
[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled!
⇒Crow refers to the fact that Master Ninja, rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called The Master.
[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

[edit] The Castle of Fu Manchu

[edit] Master Ninja II

[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]
Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.
[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Space Travelers

[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]
Crow: Well I have sleep apnia so I won't need much.

[edit] The Giant Gila Monster

[The film's title appears on the screen]
Joel, Crow & Tom: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!
[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.
[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"
[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars!

[edit] City Limits

[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a...dumb...head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but-
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.
Mick: We ain't stupid.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway.
[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]
Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits!
[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]
Tom [as Albert]: This is F.U.N.

[edit] Teenagers from Outer Space

[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]
Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.
[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]
Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!
Joel, Crow, Servo: Torture!
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!
[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?
[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]
Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"]
I have often walked down the street before,
But I've never done it packing heat before…
[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!
Betty: Where are you from Derek?
Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

[edit] Being from Another Planet

[Watching the title credit]
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

[edit] Attack of the Giant Leeches

[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]
Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times!
Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]
Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]
Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

[edit] Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)

[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]
Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.
Servo: He'll make several of them!

[edit] Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)

[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

[edit] The Killer Shrews

Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick — and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

[edit] Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy — Texas style!
Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.
Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild!
Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay.
[After a succesful cattle roping]
Narrator: Eight seconds.
Joel [as the boy]: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.
Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.
Joel: It's sad, really.
Servo: [singing to the tune of "Home on the Range" ] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

[edit] The Killer Shrews (movie)

[The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]
Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours…
Servo [as Narrator]: … plus a delicious shake.
[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!
[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]
Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger!
[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]
Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!
[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]
Crow, Servo: [singing]
Killer shrew! Killer shrew!
Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!
He comes out at night to give you a fright.
Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!
Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh
Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!
He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.
He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!
[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]
Servo: Puppies!

[edit] Hercules Unchained

[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie.
[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]
Crow [as Ulysses]: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece.

[edit] Indestructible Man

[edit] Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)

[edit] Indestructible Man (movie)

[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]
Joel: Only millions of Christians.
[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]
Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.
Crow [as Chaney]: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...
[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]
Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

[edit] Hercules Against the Moon Men

[Repeated Lines]
Dr. Forrester and Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!
[Alan Steele rides high in the saddle]
Servo: Yes, Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long!
Crow [as Soldier/Little Caesar]: Pizza, pizza.
Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move?
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.
[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]
Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!
[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!
[Shot of barren moonscape]
Servo:We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.
Crow: Rush Limbaugh?
Joel: No, that would be more like Hell.
[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]
Servo: Hey, baby, wanna get stoned?
Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned!
Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on stillstore, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?
Crow: [matter-of-factly] It's really not that good!
Joel: Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him offscreen]
Crow: AAAAAAGH!

[edit] The Magic Sword

Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.
[The knights face an ogre.]
Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no!
[George fights a two-headed dragon.]
Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
Crow: Hey...
Joel: Sorry.
[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]
Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.
[Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]
Crow: [singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!
Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH!
Crow: [continues singing, ignoring Tom] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

[edit] Hercules and the Captive Women

[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]
Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
Joel: [trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
Gypsy: [catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...
[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]
Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!

[edit] Manhunt in Space

[edit] General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)

[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]
Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu.

[edit] Manhunt in Space (movie)

[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones' ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]
Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo!
Joel: [aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...
Servo: Oh, uh...
[Servo whistles innocently.]

[edit] Tormented

[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!

[edit] The Beatniks

[edit] General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)

Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...

[edit] The Beatniks (movie)

[edit] Fire Maidens of Outer Space

[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
. . .
[An example of Crow Syndrome.]
Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
Servo: All right, yeah!
Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
Crow: Oh, uh…
[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]
Crow: H-here's one! "A grinder in der—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! No!
Crow: Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it — it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Joel: Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
Servo: [suggestively] Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
Joel: [suggestively] And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
Crow: She's built like a brick shi—
Joel: Crow!
Crow: … show— boat. Showboat.
[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an Alien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]
Servo: [moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil— [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!

[edit] Crash of the Moons

[edit] General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)

[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

[edit] Crash of the Moons (movie)

[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]
Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…
Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…
[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
Joel, Servo: [singing] For yooooou!

[edit] Attack of the Eye Creatures

[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]
Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?
[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]
Air Force Officer: Now take off!
Joel:...to the great White North!
Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold!
Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude!
Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!
[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]
Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!
[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]
Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives?
[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

[edit] The Rebel Set

[edit] Johnny at the Fair (short)

Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.
Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!
Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.
[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.
[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.
[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.
[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]
Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.

[edit] The Rebel Set (movie)

[edit] The Human Duplicators

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.
[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.
[Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]
Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge.
[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]
Servo [as the Professor]: Oh-my-God-you're-huge!

[edit] Monster A Go-Go

[edit] Circus on Ice (short)

[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!
[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]
Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...
[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]
Servo: [singing]
These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now,
When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan...
Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...
[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
. . .
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...
. . .
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!
[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.
. . .
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.

[edit] Monster A Go-Go (movie)

[Over the film's title]
Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
. . .
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
[Crow sighs indignatly.]
Crow: C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...
[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
Joel: [reading] The Other Th?
[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]
Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the...[deflating] This is gonna suck.
[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.
[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]
Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.
[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!
[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]
Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
Tom bursts out into laughter.
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.
[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]
Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!
Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.
Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Joel: Oh, the joke's on us!
Crow: Boooooo!
[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]

[edit] The Day the Earth Froze

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.

[edit] Here Comes the Circus (short)

[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!
Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!
[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]
Joel: They take a licking and keep on kicking!
Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
Servo: This one's on the rebound.
[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.
[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.
[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]
Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in.
Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

[edit] The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]
Servo [as Lemminkäinen, singing with Norwegian accent]: If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...
Crow [as Lemminkäinen, singing with Norwegian accent]: I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...
[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]
Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Crow: Can we see the other parts?
Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!
[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!
[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!
[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]
Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"

[edit] Bride of the Monster

[edit] Hired! Part 1 (short)

[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.
[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]
Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

[edit] Bride of the Monster (movie)

[Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]
Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!
[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]
Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!
[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]
Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

[edit] Manos: The Hands of Fate

[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]
Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

[edit] Hired! Part 2 (short)

[The short begins]
Crow: Previously on "Hired!"
[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]
Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis!
Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems.
[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?
[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]
Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?

[edit] Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)

[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon.
Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
. . .
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.
[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!
[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]
Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking?
Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch.
Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
. . .
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos!
[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
Joel:You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]
Joel: [snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God!
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon!
[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.
[During a driving scene]
Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo...
Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
. . .
Crow: This must be a weekly series.
[As the end credits roll...]
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?
Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.
[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]
Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
Joel: No. Always wonder.
[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
Servo: COME ON!
[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]
Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fating.
[They leave the theater.]

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Warrior of the Lost World

["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…
[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway!
⇒ Combining the names of the "Lady Remington" electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.
[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]
Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.

[edit] Hercules

[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins!
⇒ One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.

[edit] Swamp Diamonds

[edit] What to Do on a Date (short)

[The titles appear.]
Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.
Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that?
Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.
[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]
Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
Joel: The lunch menu?
[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.
Crow [as Narrator]: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go.

[edit] Swamp Diamonds (movie)

[During one of the many, many girl fights.]
Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land!

[edit] Secret Agent Super Dragon

[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...

[edit] The Magic Voyage of Sinbad

[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!
[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!
[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.
[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]
Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!"

[edit] Eegah

[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!
[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: [patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
Servo: I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Servo: Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Servo: Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
Crow [as Goliath]: Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?
[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!
[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!
[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.
[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!
[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]
Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
Crow: That purse will be the death of him!
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
Crow [as Eegah]: [singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
Crow and Servo: [in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
Joel: [singing] I can't fight this feelin'...

[edit] I Accuse My Parents

[edit] The Truck Farmer (short)

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to the Speed Racer theme]
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs!
[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]
Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.
[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.
Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
Crow: They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.
Narrator: The carrots are washed first.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!
Narrator: Some carrots are frozen.
Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.
Narrator: Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
Crow: Texans.
[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.
[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]
Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?

[edit] I Accuse My Parents (movie)

[During the title sequence]
Servo: [singing] I love when I Accuse my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...
Jimmy: I... I accuse my parents.
Servo: Yes! We have a title!
Kitty: [singing] Are you happy...
Crow: Define "happy!"
Kitty: ...In your work...
Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...
[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]
Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
Servo [as Jimmy]: Eighteen, after taxes!
[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]
Servo [as Kitty]: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
Crow: I accuse her hair!

[edit] Operation Double 007

[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
Joel [singing]: He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow [singing]: He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo [singing]: His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!
[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]
Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.

[edit] The Girl in Lovers Lane

[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.
Joel [as Danny]: Oh.
[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
Crow T. Robot: [singing]
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
Crow: [singing]
Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.

[edit] The Painted Hills

[edit] Body Care and Grooming (short)

[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...
[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]
Narrator: Ah, spring!
Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.
Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
Crow: Underpants.
Narrator: ...Love.
Crow: Oh.
[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
...
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
...
Servo: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Joel [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.
Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
Crow: Skin sucks.
Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.
Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.
[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
Narrator: And you...
Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!
Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow [as Narrator]: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

[edit] The Painted Hills (movie)

[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]
Tom: How did that corral get there?
Crow: They used CorelDraw.
[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]
Joel [as Taylor]: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.
[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
Crow [as Shep]: SNAUSAGES!

[edit] Gunslinger

Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.
[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.
Cain: Only the good die young.
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!

[edit] Mitchell

Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!
[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Servo: Ee-gah...
Crow: Shtemlo.
Joel: Watch out for snakes!
Servo [as Announcer]: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!
[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]
Joel: Baby oil!
Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
Servo: [vomiting noises]
Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
Axton: My my my my Mitchell...
Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
Deaney: How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart.
[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]
Servo [as Mitchell]: Why did I do that?
[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

[edit] The Brain That Wouldn't Die

[In the operating room...]
Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]
Bill: You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
Servo [as announcer]: The Long, Long Trailer!
[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!
Servo [as Cortner]: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
Crow [as Cortner]: Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] D - Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]
Crow [with British accent]: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!
[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!
[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.
[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
Mike [as Announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo [as Cortner]: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]
Servo [as Monster]: That's one nasty McNugget! Ew!

[edit] Teen-Age Strangler

[edit] Is This Love? (short)

[Reading the title card]
Servo: Is this love, or just rough sex with Michael Douglas?
[Inside a college dorm room, we see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.
Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…
Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo [as Liz]: ...at the turn of the century.
[The short is ending.]
Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?
Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
Servo: "How Much Affection?"
Crow: "When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
Mike: "Know Your Ointments"
Servo: "What's That Down There?"
Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"
Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"
Crow: "McClintock!"

[edit] Teen-Age Strangler (movie)

[As a girl is strangled]
Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!

[edit] The Wild Wild World of Batwoman

[edit] Cheating (short)

[Reading the opening cards]
Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!
[The short opens over a large clock.]
Servo [as radio announcer]: The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
Mike: [deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...
Johnny: Why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you.
Crow: Mother Teresa called. She hates you.
Mary: The problem is factor x² - 9x = 20.
Crow [as John]: Aw, let's just cheat!
John: x² - 9x = 20. You take the x² - 9x. [Mary shakes her head] Oh, you subtract the x from x².
Mike [as Mary]: John, this is geography!
Narrator: And there was Mary sitting right in front of you, her head chock full of the answers you needed.
Crow: Split it open now!
Narrator: And you knew Mary, being Mary, would be more than willing to help you.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder]
Servo [as Johnny]: [loudly] Hey Mary! What's the answer?
Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
Crow: Or was it lust?
Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy-- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!
Narrator: And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]
Crow [as Johnny]: I envision a cheating wing!
[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]
Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please.
[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]
Crow [as loudspeaker]: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]
Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]
Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
Narrator: Did Johnny mean to be dishonest?
Servo: Or is he just pure evil?
[A question mark appears on-screen.]
Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]
[Over the "The End" card]
Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!

[edit] The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)

[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]
Mike: Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.
Servo: [singing] What do you do when you're branded?
Crow: [singing] You watch TV.
[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]
Servo: I'm as mad as hell!...
[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!
Crow: They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!
[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]
Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
Servo: So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]
Mike: Whahappa?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [in a dull voice] Tequila.
Crow: Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.
[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]
Man: Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
Mike: Simpson, eh?
[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from The Mole People.]
Crow: [confused] Wha— that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!
Mike: You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!
Servo: You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!
Crow: You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the Monkees look good!
[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]
Mike: Maybe they'll all turn into butter.
Crow: So, Mike. This is Hell.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.
Mike: No. [a beat] Will you kill me?
[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]
Servo: [screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!
[And now, at last, the film ends.]
Mike: [defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!
Crow: Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!
[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]
Crow: Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!

[edit] Alien from L.A.

[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
. . .
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.
[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]
Mike: That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!
[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]
Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!
Crow [as Kathy Ireland]: This door sounds brown!
[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!
[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]
Charmin: Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
Servo: [irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

[edit] Beginning of the End

[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]
Crow [as soldier]: One weekend a month my ass!
[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]
Crow [as Grasshopper]: They got Jiminy! Get em!
. . .
Mike [as general]: We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!
[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]
Crow [as general]: I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
. . .
[As the grasshopper breaks free, Peter Graves' character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]
Crow: Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts!
[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.

[edit] The Atomic Brain

[edit] What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)

[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]
Tom Servo: [gasps] They flattened him!
[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]
Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]: Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!
[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
. . .
Servo [as Walter Winchell]: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!
[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo [as Councilman]: Kill 'em all!
[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!

[edit] The Atomic Brain (movie)

[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]
Crow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]: Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!

[edit] Outlaw

[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]
Crow: I hate this movie already.
[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]
Crow: It's Commissioner Gordon calling!
Whatney: You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
Mike [as Whatney]: You just put your lips together and drink!
[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Whatney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Whatney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
Cabot: My name is Cabot.
[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]
Peasant #1: Cabot!
Peasant #2: Cabot!
Peasant #3: Cabot!
Peasant #4: Cabot!
Peasant #5: Cabot!
Mike: Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]
Cabot: Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
Mike [as Cabot]: Uh, starting tomorrow.
[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]
Servo: Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
Mike: [to Servo]...Are you old? How do you know about that?
[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]
Queen Lara: What are you talking about?
Mike [as Jack Palance]: [resignedly] I really don't know.
[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.
[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]
Crow: Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: [book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I-" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]
[During the end credits]
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on "Bloopers and Practical Jokes"?
Servo: No, uh, "Faces of Death", actually. (They all laugh.) Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA--- (imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s) I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. (imitates the fanfare again)
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, "Malibu Death Breast". (They laugh)
Crow: Yeah, that or--- [As a TV announcer] Jeff Conway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in "Murder Most Moist".
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in "Peekaboo Lace, P.I.".
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] Jeff Conway is a vigilante who stalks by night in "Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one? [Announcer] Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in "Tongue Lashing"!
Crow: I like i!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about Jeff Conway is up to his mouth in murder in "French Pistol"? CATCH IT! (as they laugh) This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. Jeff Conway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in "Death Spank"!
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in "The Lingerie Justice Files"?
Servo: Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. Jeff Conway and Morgan Fairchild are "The Crotchless Killers".
Crow: I like it, I like it! It's got verb, it's got--- Oh, how about Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in "Tap Pant Desire"?
Servo: Nice use of Ben Vereen.
Mike: I like the way you think. Try this one on. William DeVane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in "The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders"!
Servo: Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in "Cheek Beats".
Crow: You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but--- Oh, I have one. This one's great. Jeff Conway is a crazed cult leader in "The Waco Panty Raid".
Mike: Um, uh, Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in "Naked Came The Nude"!
Servo: Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are "Cod Police".
Mike: [as they exit the theater] That was good.

[edit] Radar Secret Service

[edit] Last Clear Chance (short)

[Title of short appears]
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
[As woman walks away from car]
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!
[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]
Servo: [growling] Rr.
. . .
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike [as Narrator]: Boy, you haven't lived.
[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]
[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]
Frank: [Jokingly] I give up, officer! What's the charge?
Crow [as patrolman]: Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.
Crow: I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!
Patrolman: People who have survived a train crash usually say...
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.
Engineer: Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
Tom [as Ralph]: You're deep, Ernie.
Patrolman: So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
Mike [as patrolman]: Save a place for me at your dinner table!
Patrolman: ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
Tom: ...uh-oh...
Patrolman: ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
Crow: OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Patrolman: Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
Tom: He's a bad cop on the loose!
Patrolman: ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Mike: Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

[edit] Radar Secret Service (movie)

[As title of movie appears on screen]
Crow: Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
Mike: That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

[edit] Santa Claus

[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. (He opens a box) Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! (He holds it up) Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
Crow [as mother]: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
Mike [as announcer]: It's your new mom! (Crow imitates audience roaring)
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Mike: Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
[Several children are writing.]
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael...I was born in a house my father built...The minute Yossarian...
...
Crow: [sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
Mike [as boy]: I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
[Santa's mail rushes in]
Crow [as Santa]: Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
Pedro: What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo [as Santa Claus]: And they eat at Hardee's!
[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]
Servo [as African Child]: [grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!
Narrator: [as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
Servo: Circle Pines?
[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!

[edit] Teen-Age Crime Wave

[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]
Mike [as an answering machine]: This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
Crow: Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
Servo: [starts performing The Rockford Files theme]

[edit] Village of the Giants

[The credits show "Based on The Food of the Gods by H. G. Wells".]
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?
[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.]
Servo: He blew his hand off!
Crow [as Magnus Pyke]: I blinded me with science!
[Genius (played by a young Ron Howard) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]
Mike: I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!
[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]
Mike: Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.
Crow: [indignantly] I liked Willow!
Mike: Kevin Pollak? You liked that?
[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
Crow: [defensively] I liked Willow.
Mike: Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.
Servo: That's why he made Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!
[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]
Crow: Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!
Mike: Hey, you liked Willow!
Crow: I— huh?

[edit] 12 to the Moon

[edit] Design for Dreaming (short)

Woman: [singing] I want a Corvette!
Mike [as Mystery Man]: [singing] I don't give a tin sh...!
Mystery Man: I thought you would!
Crow [as Mystery Man]: That's why I entered your head!
Woman: [singing] I want a Pontiac, too!
Mike: Man, she's a high-maintanence date!
[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]
Crow: Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
Servo: Oh, no, no, no!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
Mike: This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Crow: Oh-ho-ho...
Servo: Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Crow: Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.
[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June.
[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.
[The narrator introduces a fashion model posing next to a new car.]
Narrator: Costume by Emilio of Capri!
Mike [as Narrator]: Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike]
Woman: [singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
Servo: [singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...
[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow.]
Mike [as Mystery Man]: Look, the Dead Raccoon of Tomorrow!

[edit] 12 to the Moon (movie)

Crow [as Jackie Gleason]: Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!
[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]
Mike: Wow, I think I'm in this!
[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]
Secretary General: At this moment...
Crow [as Secretary General]: I may die!
Secretary General: ... over two billion people...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... have been served.
Secretary General: … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
Mike [as Secretary General]: ... and my rump.
Secretary General: Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... dolphin-safe!
Secretary General: ... international territory.
Crow [as Secretary General]: ... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
Secretary General: God be with you.
Servo: And also with you.
[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]
Dr. Hamid: Allah be praised!
Dr. Orlov: Praise the ship, not Allah.
Servo [as Hamid]: I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Girls Town

[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff]
Mike Nelson [as Chip]: [screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]
[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]
Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister.
Crow [as Mother Veronica]: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!
[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? (turns to face him)
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?
[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now?...
Silver: Any.. studs around here?
Serafina: Any what?
Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
Serafina: Only the gardeners.
Crow [as Serafina]: And Father Fabio!
[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me?
[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.
[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
Mike: The Velvet Hog!
⇒ Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, "The Velvet Fog".
[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last.
⇒ Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.
[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!

[edit] Invasion USA

[edit] A Date with Your Family (short)

Servo: The Woody Allen story!
Mike: Hey, I like my family as a friend.
Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!
Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
Crow: But not these people.
Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're not, of course...
[as the boys talk with their dad]
Mike Nelson [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son.
[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
Narrator: Brother seats Junior...
Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike: The less said about this, the better.
Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now...
[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.
Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws junior out then disowns him!
Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
Mike [as Narrator]: … than having a personality.
Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough.
[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.
Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo [as Narrator]: ...and control and repression.

[edit] Invasion USA (movie)

[Over the opening credits...]
Mike: Uh-huh, uh-huh, starring all these people and Chuck Norris.
. . .
[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]
Crow: What, me direct?
Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions.
Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!
Carla: [about her work at the blood bank] We set a record today.
Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago.
Mike [as Vince]: God, I'm smooth.
["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it?
Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.

[edit] The Dead Talk Back

[edit] The Selling Wizard (short)

[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow: (as announcer) These three people will square off against---
Narrator: Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla!
Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
Crow: For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Narrator: Some products are impulse items...
Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it!
Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily...
Mike: Women's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
Narrator: ...an emotional decision.
Crow: The market crashed!
[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions of package design.
Servo [As Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.
[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!
Mike: It's a little big, I just want a hotplate!
Narrator: And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
Servo: Bosoms!
Narrator: Sales appeal styling.
Crow: Or "S. A. S."
[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]
Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Servo: Just one glance, don't look back.
[Noticing a box in the freezer]
Mike: This is frozen cotton?
Narrator: And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
Crow: But don't put your tongue on it!
[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]
Crow: (noticing something) Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please!
Mike: You filthy degenerates!
[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty!
Servo: This freezer rules!
[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
Crow: But I wanted a stove.
Narrator: In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
Mike [as Narrator]: Bodies stack easy.
[Over the "The End" card]
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
All: Hi-yo!
Mike: Lenny Weithenstal's most powerful film.
Servo: Hi-yo!

[edit] The Dead Talk Back (movie)

Crow: [as a TV announcer] Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp.
[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.
[Close-up of crossbow being fired]
Servo: [singing] Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!
[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]
Servo: Is someone purring?
[Crow looks around for a bit.]
[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass.]
Woman: I can't hear it clearly—
Servo: That's because it's A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!
[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]:
Crow [as Krasker/Bill Cosby]: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...
[During the end credits]
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!

[edit] Zombie Nightmare

[The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
[Before the car hits Tony]
Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him!
[Tony gets hit by car]
Servo: ...Or not.
[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]
Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose!
Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical] C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!
[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]
Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy!
[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]
Bobby: Hey, what's the matter?
Mike [as Jim]: This Kansas song just makes me so sad!
Jim: What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream!
[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]
Crow [as Tony]: Must... register... for... semester!
. . .
[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic clanging noises that sound like someone hitting a radiator with a baseball bat.]
Servo: Jeez, they got John Cage doin' the soundtrack here...
[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...
[When Adam West first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]
Servo [as Batman TV announcer]: What's this?
[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
Det. Sorrell: [on the issue of Bobby's murder] The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it?
[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! [chuckles]
[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.

[edit] Colossus and the Headhunters

[Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour–!
Ariel: What is your name?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: [holding back laughter] Cheesesteak?
[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]
Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here...
[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike [as Maciste]: It's...the wrong land, never mind, sorry.
[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Servo: Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
Servo [as soldier]: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
Crow: Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?
[A fight scene has broken out.]
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village - and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]
Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!

[edit] The Creeping Terror

[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?
[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]
Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
Crow [as Alien]: I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!
[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
Mike [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!

[edit] Bloodlust!

[edit] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)

[The title appears on screen.]
Crow: I thought I smelled something!
Mike: Is Velveeta a member of the National Dairy Council?
Servo: Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.
Crow [as Narrator]: Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an edgy man who should not be riled.
Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day.
[As grain pours out of a spout]
Crow [as George]: I just saw a finger!
Mike: Can we go home?
[The kids are playing in the hay]
Servo [as city girl]: But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at Pamida!
[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]
Crow [as girl]: Uncle Jim's out of control - we frag him today.

[edit] Bloodlust! (movie)

[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party—
Crow: I did it!
Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!
[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"
[In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended]
Mike [as Al Jolson]: [singing] Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!
Crow: [indignantly] I don't like the villain!
[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.

[edit] Code Name: Diamond Head

[edit] A Day at the Fair (short)

[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]
Crow: Hey, I didn't finish!
[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson!
⇒ Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for "The Price is Right".
[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims!
[Showing a collection of pickle jars]
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!
[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!
[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair...
[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair.]
Servo: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Wait...
. . .
Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
Crow: [confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike [as Narrator]: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability.
⇒ American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.
[Harness races at the grandstand]
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!

[edit] Code Name: Diamond Head (movie)

[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]
Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH!

[edit] The Skydivers

[edit] Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The title "Why Study Industrial Arts?" appears.]
Crow: Because you're bad at math?
[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
Crow: [after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
Joe [voiceover]: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike [as Joe]: There, wasn't that fun?
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder...
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane...
Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!
Joe: Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
Crow [as Joe]: Then they pants you and drag you around the track…
[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike: [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
Joe's buddy: How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
Joe: I like it swell. Why?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
Servo [as Joe's buddy]: Could you staple my ears back?
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as actor playing Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.

[edit] The Skydivers (movie)

Beth: Would you like some coffee?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
Mike [as Joe]: Where is it, your "coffee"?
[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
Crow: "Terror at Sea-level"
Servo]: [giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
[Beth looks on as Harry straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike: [sputters unintelligibly]
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: No... not tomorrow
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow
[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.
Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky.
Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people.
[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.
[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]
Crow: Two zips and we're naked!
[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]
Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.
Suzy: Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
Mike [as Frankie]: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...
[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!
[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.
[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]
Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippie. [shouting] Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?
[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?
[A guitarist resembles Ralph Fiennes]
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar!
⇒ Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.
[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]
Crow [as pilot]: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?

[edit] The Violent Years

[edit] A Young Man's Fancy (short)

[Teenager Judy unplugs her electric mixer and calls hunky Alex for help.]
Mike: This is like Three Days of the Condor! I trust no one in this short!
[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]
Judy: Mmmm...I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.
[Judy continues to stuff her face with bacon.]
Judy's mother: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
Judy: Sorry, sweety, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
Crow [as Judy]: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?

[edit] The Violent Years (movie)

[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood.
[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]
Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra.
[several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]
Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!
Judge: Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
Mike: We don't! Can we go?

[edit] Last of the Wild Horses

[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: I said Coke.
Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: All I have is Coke.
Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Servo: Okay. Huh?
Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Servo: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Servo: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Servo: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Servo: Awakenings.
Crow: That's a movie!
Servo: I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
Crow: So what time's dinner?
Servo: Noon okay?
Crow: But that's lunch!
Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
Crow: Ooh, the blinker!
[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]
TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that!
TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part!
[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]
Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
. . .
[The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]
Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!
[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]
Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle!
[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]
Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won.

[edit] The Starfighters

[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good.
Mike: Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force.
[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]
Crow [as Lyons]: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
Servo [as Lyons]: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.
[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?
[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: [to Mike] They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess...
[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]
Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
Servo: It says "Lift Here".
Mike: Oh.
Mike [as Crashed Pilot]: Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
Servo [as Rescuer]: You were only here for ten minutes!
Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
Mike: Um...
Servo: Am I right?
Mike: Yeah. That is correct.

[edit] The Sinister Urge

[edit] Keeping Clean and Neat (short)

[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!
[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]
Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!
[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]
Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!

[edit] The Sinister Urge (movie)

[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides.

[edit] San Francisco International

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Prodcutions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal!
[The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]
Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!
[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]
Servo: Terror at...uh, sea level.
Mike: So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.
Crow [as Katie Barrett]: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!
[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]
Mike: There's a New Testament in town!
[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]
Crow [as Pernell]: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."

[edit] Kitten with a Whip

[edit] Racket Girls

[edit] Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)

[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.
[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Servo [as Larry]: Oh yeah!
Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
Mike [as Larry]: You saw my boing?
Larry: How did you know?
Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Crow [as Hall]: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike [as Hall]: … if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
Hall: … if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[… and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo [as Larry]: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!
[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about...religion in general?
Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.
[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]
Crow [as Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]:[distantly, as if in a flashback] MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
Mike [as Sue]: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.

[edit] Racket Girls (movie)

[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]
Crow: Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Crow [as usher]: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.
[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.
Scalli: Hey, Joe!
Servo [as Scalli]: Where you going with that gun in your hand?
[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]
Crow: [nervously] I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!
[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]
Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?!

[edit] The Sword and the Dragon

[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.
[We see a large banquet taking place]
Crow [as man]: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...
Servo [as man] : Sven, no! You mustn't!
[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.
[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]
Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
Servo: [doubtfully] Uh huh...
[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]
Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
[He turns to face Ilya]
Crow [as Little Falcon]: Mom!

[edit] High School Big Shot

[edit] Out of This World (short)

[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]
Mike: They're operating under a different theology.
[Red is explaining the details of his plan]
Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
Crow [as Red]: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid!
[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]
Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Crow [as Dudley]: Eat every piece!
. . .
Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it.
Mike [as Dudley]: [miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!
[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
Bill Dudley: You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
[cut to a montage of grocers]
Mike [as grocer]: What a moron.
Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
Servo [as grocer]: What's he on?
Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
Crow [as grocer]: What does he want from me?
Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Servo [as Grocer]: Why can't he leave me alone?
Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.
Mike [as Grocer]: But his bread sucks.
Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]
Crow: [confused] A hat and a sketchpad?

[edit] High School Big Shot (movie)

[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]
Mike: He has a haunting ugliness.

[edit] Red Zone Cuba

[edit] Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)

Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
Servo [as Narrator]: … after the human nipple.
Narrator: Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
Mike: ...Okay...
Narrator: ...a doll that never talked.
Mike [nervously]: Just do what he says...
Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!
[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]
Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
Narrator: ...and your favorite tie.
Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!
[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified.
Mike: Uh, no you won't.
. . .
Crow: Don't do this during the speech.

[edit] Red Zone Cuba (movie)

[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]
Mike [as Announcer]: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
Servo [as Curly Howard]: Hey, Moe!
[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]
Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.
[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]
Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there...
[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
Joe: … and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
Joe: Our mission is to tear down telephone poles, ammo dumps, destroy all forms of communication…
Servo [as Joe]: Ted, you take Havana.
[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
Servo: [sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.
[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
Mike: John Carradine!
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?
[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store.]
Mike [as Store Clerk] Would you like a video? We have some ultraviolent, Asian XXX cartoons!

[edit] Danger!! Death Ray

[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]
Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.
Crow: What country is this taking place in?
Mike: Europe.
[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]
Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.
[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: [recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.
[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]
Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything...
Mike [as Fargo]: Who's God?
[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]
Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]
Servo: Olé!
[Crow giggles.]
Mike [as Bart]: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]
Servo [as Bart]: Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Bart Fargo: That's too bad.
Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?
[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]
Servo: Hot Wheels!
Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset.
[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]
Servo [as Assassin/Mulwray]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!
[A baccarat game is in progress.]
Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
Crow [as Player]: It'd better be a damn good bonk.
Crow: Bart Fargo IS ... Hard to — watch.
Crow: Bart Fargo. Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo... Heh, that's hard to do.

[edit] The Beast of Yucca Flats

[edit] Money Talks (short)

[William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]
Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
Mike [as Franklin]: … James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: … something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?
[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges, in a minute, the results of that trial. [N]

[edit] Progress Island USA (short)

[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]
Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!
Narrator: An American Democracy...
Servo [as Narrator]: Would be really great.
Narrator: Hospitals!
Crow [as Narrator]: Are desperately needed.
Narrator: Year-round sun makes this a vacation paradise.
Crow: And very hard to sleep!
[Shots of a school are shown.]
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
Crow [as Narrator]: … so you might as well just stay where you are.
Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
Crow [as Narrator]: … which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!
Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
Mike [as Narrator]: … so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
[Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]
Crow : Why, even aliens from Mars are here!
[Over the short's closing screen]
Mike [as Narrator]: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend.

[edit] The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie)

Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.
[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's special guest star, Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Mike: Tor Johnson as the beast; that's just smart casting.
Servo: Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.
Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.
Narrator: Touch a button, things happen.
Mike: Sometimes.
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Crow [as Narrator]: Rootie patootie.
Narrator: A woman’s purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the desert sand.
Mike: His limericks aren't very good...
[Over a shot of the mountain...]
Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
Crow [as Narrator]: Or a giant pogo stick.
[Several seconds pass without any narration or dialogue.]
Mike [as Narrator]: Or I guess a helicopter would work too. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?
Servo [as Narrator]: Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles.
[A man is chased by a light plane.]
Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?
Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!
Narrator: A man murdered, a woman's purse.
Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.
Crow [as Narrator]: Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.
Servo [as Narrator]: Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ... I'll check back in a moment.
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Mike: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Narrator: Noted scientist.
Crow: Family man, and your candidate for city council!
[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]
Mike: So? What about him?!

[edit] Angels Revenge

[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
[Terry sticks her thumb up.]
Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]
Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous!
[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]
Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.
Crow: That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!
[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in Blaxploitation-esque outfits.]
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!
[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot!
[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]
Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
Servo [as Farrell]: He's our only customer.
[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]
Crow [as Diner]: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
. . .
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.
April: Women can make a difference.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.
[The musical score apes Also sprach Zarathustra as the Angels' combat van appears.]
Servo: [singing] Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!
Terry: I've got an idea.
[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]
Servo: What a great idea!
[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]
Crow: It's the T & A-Team!
[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven.
[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]
Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78!
[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.
[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap?

[edit] The Amazing Transparent Man

[edit] The Days of Our Years (short)

[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?
Reverend: Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
Crow: Oh, sure— HUH?
[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]
Crow [as Little Girl]: [guiltily] I didn't hate accidents enough...
[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]
Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!
Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!
Narrator: [on Joe's fiance Helen] She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe?
[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
Mike: [noticing a theme] So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?
Narrator: [during funeral sequence] Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
Crow: [curtly] ...because he's DUMB!
[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George, as he shuts the curtains]: There, my problem went away.
Narrator: [on the frailty of time] A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
Mike: A disastarous one would be cool to watch!
[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]
Crow [as director]: Hey, we're tryin' to film here!

[edit] The Amazing Transparent Man (movie)

Crow: Hayley Mills in The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap!
Servo: [singing along to the music]
He's amazing and amusing,
he's delicious and nutritious,
two for breakfast, one for...
Krenner: Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
Mike [as Dr. Ulof]: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.
[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]
Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
. . .
Crow [as Dr. Ulof]: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
. . .
[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]
Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.
. . .
[Ulof inserts a Dremel tool-looking device between the two globes.]
Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
. . .
Mike: All this just to get a UHF station?
[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]
Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency.
Krenner: Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
Servo: [singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig!
[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
Mike [as Faust]: I'll be right back right after this.

[edit] Samson vs. the Vampire Women

Crow: Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes.
[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.
[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...
[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]
Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover.
Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.
[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!
[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]
Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]
Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.
[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Night of the Bloodbeast

[edit] Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)

[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]
Crow: [singing] Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
[a dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Whoa! Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: [singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...
Mike: [angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
Servo: Wow.
[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]
Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!
[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]
Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...
Crow: Ah, who cares.
Crow: You know, this would make a great companion movie to Eraserhead.
[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]
Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting...!
[Over the short's closing screen]
Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?

[edit] Night of the Blood Beast (movie)

[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as Kennedy]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.
[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]
Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
Mike: Well, let's give him more time to die.
Dr. Wyman: I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigormortis after so long.
Mike: And I love it!
[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]
Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
Tom Servo [as Donna]: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
Mike [as Dave]: I could have done that...
[Dave hears something.]
Dave: Steve?
Mike: Not everyone is Steve!
[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]
Donna: Steve.
Mike [as Julie]: Yes?
Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]: Yes?
Crow [as Steve]: Yes?
[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]
Tom Servo: And the Steves are there!
Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!
[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!
[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]
Mike [as Dr. Wyman]: What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.
[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]
Crow: This is still a better movie than Junior.
[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]
Donna: Here's something to complicate things even more.
Crow: I took these upside down!
[Steve enters in from the lab.]
Steve: They're gone.
Crow: My brownies are gone!
Crow: Hard to trust somebody not named Steve.
[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]
Crow: Carry me.
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: Carry me!
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: CARRY ME!
Tom Servo: Shut up!
Crow: Unnnnnnh...

[edit] The Brute Man

[edit] The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)

[Over the short's title screen.]
Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
Servo: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!
Narrator: But wait a minute, you may be saying...
Crow [as Narrator]: Why am I watching this?
Narrator: Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?
Servo: You bet!
Narrator: Indeed they can!
Servo: [surprised] ...Heh, I was right!
[As a truck carrying baby chicks drives as the scene fades.]
Mike: That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken!
[the next scene fades in]
Crow: Chickens!
[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]
Servo [as chicken]: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
Narrator: The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds.
Mike [as Narrator]: Or migrant workers.
Narrator: The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.
[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]
Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]: RODENTS?! AAAAHHH!!
Narrator: Here is a good time to point out a few facts about eggs.
Mike [as Narrator]: Stop throwing them at my car.
[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced very thinly]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
. . .
Crow: Chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
Servo: Oh, these must be models' portions.
Mike [as server]: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington...
. . .
Crow: [in Ritzy accent] Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
Tom: Everybody! Soylent Green is made from chickens!
Narrator: But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.
[The next scene fades in, which is that of a building.]
Mike [as Narrator]: We bring you now to market.
Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
Crow: Dressing plant, sounds like fun.
Servo: I want a new hat.
[Shot of a gas station]
Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
Mike: Even to the Texaco station.

[edit] The Brute Man (movie)

["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]
Servo [as Moffett]: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.
[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...
[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]
Mike [as Moffet]: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal!
Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal?
Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]
Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.
[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]
Crow: Hey fella, why the long face?
Mike: Now, come on...
Crow: [laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't...
Mike: I begged you not to do that!
Crow: I know...
Servo: That hurts.
Servo: He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.
Mike: [annoyed] Why didn't they just call this movie The Creeper?
Mike: A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, don't fear the creeper.

[edit] Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.
[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last!
[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]
Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight!
Troxartis: [haltingly, overacting] This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH.
Servo [as Troxartis]: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.
[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn?
Servo [as Khorsa]: [addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]
Crow: [singing] We're the knights of the round table!
[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]
Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover!
[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]
Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
Deathstalker: ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
Mike: Spo-dee o-dee.
Mike: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]
Mike [as attacker]: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
Crow [as attacker]: Who are we?!
[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]
Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh... [as Troxartis] You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!
[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first... tuber.
[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta.
⇒ Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: "Ore-Ida is all-righta!"
[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]
Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

[edit] The Incredible Melting Man

[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey!
[On the logo for American International Pictures]
Mike: (chuckling) Round Guy With Surfboard International.
[Over the movie's title screen]
Mike: The George Hamilton Story.
[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Ted Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
[On the phone, Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?
[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]
Ted Nelson: AADGKA!
Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.
[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
Servo [as Ted]: [sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Ted Nelson: Steve escaped.
Judy Nelson: Oh God.
Mike [as Judy]: Aadgka?
Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do?
Crow [as Ted]: Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
Servo [as Judy]: [annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
Ted Nelson: [ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve?
Crow: Raging Bull.
Ted Nelson: Steve?
Servo [as Ted]: Steve had crackers!
Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve.
Judy Nelson: Why you?
Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Crow [as Ted]: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]
Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician.
Mike: You guys know, is there a credible melting man?
[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]
Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.
[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]
Crow: [almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike—I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snowboot jacket.
Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh...ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ... Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
Mike: I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Servo: Aadgka!
Crow: I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Servo: Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
Mike: And neither are actors.
Servo: Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
Crow: Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
Servo: I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
Mike: [sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
Crow: I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Servo: Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
Mike: We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Crow: Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Mike: Oh, I hear ya.

[edit] Escape 2000

Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.
[Squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
Mike [as Man]: I forgot my luggage...!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Crow: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
Mike: [snickers]
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo [as Loudspeaker]: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
Mike [as Loudspeaker]: You, too, Henry Silva.
Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Crow [as Loudspeaker]: Therefore, we suggest you---
All [as Loudspeaker]: Leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
Servo: So leave the Bronx.
Mike: Just leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
Servo [as loudspeaker on van]: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on—are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]
Crow [as Trooper]: [terrified] Gary saw a silverfish! Aaaahh!
[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.
[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]
Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!!
Moon Grey: [being dragged from a press conference] ...and the GC Corporation sucks!
[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]
Mike [as Reporter]: Is that true? Do you suck?
[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]
Crow: [chuckles] I think they blew their cover here!
[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]
Crow [as Trash]: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!
[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]
Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.
President Clark So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both...under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ..there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down...to convince them...to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?
[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: Oh what did you step in!
[a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins]
Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five!

[edit] Laserblast

[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.
[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]
Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.
[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
Servo: He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!
[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party!
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo: [disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: [leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: [incredulous] What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Crow: [dismissive] D'oh...
Servo: Broadcast News, Witness, three stars-barely superior to Laserblast.
Mike: Mm-hm.
Crow: Same for Diner.
Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Crow: Well, that's possible...
Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade—two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Servo: [unbelieving] Where?
Crow: [incredulous] What?
Mike: No, I'm kidding.
Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez...
Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Servo: Bagdad Café,