House (TV series)

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House (2004–), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

Main article: House (TV series)/Season 1

[edit] Pilot (1.01)

Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job and not screw everything up.
Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.' But sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you need.

__________________________________

Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

__________________________________

Dr. House: And I hired you... because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said.

[edit] Maternity (1.04)

Cuddy: Two plain old sick babies would bore you.
House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, because you give me all these really great insights for free.
Cuddy: Shrink! If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

[edit] Cursed (1.13)

House: People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care.

[edit] Three Stories (1.21)

House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see... they're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.... There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.... I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

__________________________________

House: Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct.

___________________________________

House: Right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, even if there is no way for you to know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that... It's just plain WRONG!

[edit] Honeymoon (1.22)

House: It's one of the great tragedies of life — something always changes.

[edit] Season 2

Main article: House (TV series)/Season 2

[edit] Season 3

Main article: House (TV series)/Season 3

[edit] Season 4

Main article: House (TV series)/Season 4

[edit] Season 5

Main article: House (TV series)/Season 5

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Broken (6.01)

House: [to a claustrophobic patient playing basketball] Am I crowding you? [getting in the patient's space]
House: Dry heaves are gone and so am I.
House: And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
House: [Mockingly] I don't wanna practice medicine. I wanna be an astronaut.
House: Is that a popular new treatment? Blackmail?
House: Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?
House: I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino.
House: Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat.
House: So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?
House: It's table tennis, not table volleyball, and with no net, it's table nothing.
House: Then we can assume the girl he's with is named 'Nooner.
House: (to Alvie) You're my only friend. And I hate you.
House: How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?
House: What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?
House: Hi. It's like hello, only shorter.
House: I'm sick of being miserable
House: They didn't break me. I am broken.
House: I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.
House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.
House: I'm sorry I pushed you away. That's what I do when I'm afraid.
House: We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting.

[edit] Epic Fail (6.03)

House: Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.
House: Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton.
House: Right, doctors world-over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures.
House: Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow.
Wilson: Try not to be a jerk.
House: I'm trying. I'm just failing.
Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. (After a few seconds) How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
House: They're smoking. Your balls.
Wilson: Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
Wilson: Enough!
House: I'm an addict; I turn everything up to an eleven.
House: I went crazy, not stupid.
House: I leave, Foreman embraces his inner Mugabe…
House: Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up. Making room for Daddy's hot bisexual with boyfriend problems.
Thirteen: It's not a problem, it's a … okay, it's a problem.
House: Taste this.
Thirteen: God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten … and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.
Foreman: I got you a donut. [pause] The florist was closed.
Thirteen: I'll get a vase and put it in water.
House: Started thinking about what you said; about me obsessing; started obsessing about obsessing.
House: How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries.
House: That's like adopting a puppy; suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LP's...
House: If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead; I'm a mess.
House: The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed.
House: (about his urine) If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet.

[edit] The Tyrant (6.04)

[Foreman, Cameron and Chase enter the office]
House: Oh my God it's three years ago! — Does that mean I'm still crazy?
[Thirteen got a job offer]
Foreman: Douglas owes me a favor.
Thirteen: Most people send chocolates.
Foreman: I'd stand outside your apartment all night holding a boombox, except you told me you hate eighties music.
Wilson [to House]: How was your first day of school?
House: Didn't pee once in the sandbox.
Wilson: I am vampire, Sookie.
Cameron [to Chase]: You could have gotten killed.
Chase: He wasn't going to hurt me.
Cameron: He fired a gun in the hospital.
Chase: Come here.
[Chase hugs Cameron tight and looks fine. Cameron looks troubled.]
Cameron: Maybe next time don't yell out that warning.
[Chase's forehead wrinkles at that thought.]
House [to Wilson]: You could be sipping Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto if you tell him what you got on him.
Wilson [to House]: It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to people you hate, that's a skill. Do it.
Chase [to Dibala]: If you touch my wife again, I'll kick your ass out into the street. I don't care who you are.
Foreman: [to Chase] I went down to the morgue to rerun the antibodies test.
Chase: We ran it twice.
Foreman: Turns out I couldn't get in. They had an armed guard. But I saw this. [He holds out a sheet of paper.] It's a sign-in sheet from the morgue. Your signature. [Chase slowly takes the paper from Foreman.] 9:45 this morning. That's right before you guys ran the test. What were you doing there?
Chase: Follow-up on a clinic case.
Foreman: What case?
Chase: You think this is really important...
Foreman: One of the patients in the morgue was a 70-year-old woman who had scleroderma. You and Cameron, if you took that woman's blood, you could have messed up the test results so we treated Dibala for the wrong disease.
Chase: Cameron had nothing to do with it.
Foreman: [loudly] You son of a bitch.
Chase: He was going to kill the Sitibi. Every last one of them.
Foreman: [shouting] I don't care what he was going to do. He came to us and put his life in our hands.
Chase: [quietly] All the good we've done… Every life we've saved… It would have meant nothing… If we just sent him off to kill hundreds of thousands of people. Look at the news. The moderates are taking over. There's hope for peace talks. You tell the world that I faked this test, Dibala becomes a martyr. The massacres begin.
Foreman: I cover this up, I become your accomplice. You think you can guilt me into that?
Chase: If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me… So that I can tell my wife first.
[Foreman takes the sign-in sheet and Chase sits back down.]
Foreman: Chase… You really think you can kill another human being without any consequences to yourself?
Chase: [his mouth moves for a moment without sound; shakes his head] No.

[edit] Instant Karma (6.05)

House: People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There`s nothing any of us can do about it.
Foreman [about House]: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
House [looks at the file] Maybe never. This game is fun.
[Thirteen arrives at House's apartment; House answers the door]
Thirteen: Stay out of my life.
House: Okay. [goes to shut the door, but Thirteen stops him.]
Thirteen: I know you canceled my reservation. You obviously saw me log in when you were spying on me in the coffee shop.
House: I was talking to you. I was spying on the milf in the running shorts.
Cuddy [to House]: Thirteen called.
House: She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy?
Cuddy: She said someone hacked into her email account and canceled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman.
House: Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool.

[edit] Brave Heart (6.06)

Cuddy: I need to know what your plans are.
House: First we take Berlin and then we circle around behind Poland and yell "surprise!".
[Chase is sitting in a church confessional]
Chase: I killed a man. I need to know what I can do to be forgiven.
Minister: Ten Hail Marys aren't enough to absolve this.
Chase: I did the right thing. I couldn't let him take the lives of thousands.
Minister: But as a doctor, you know taking the life of a patient is wrong.
Chase: Can't I just ask God for forgiveness? That's why I'm here.
Minister: I told you what you need to do. You have to turn yourself in.
Chase: ...No. I... did... the right thing.
House: [after having a "conversation" with his father] Wilson! This is stupid!
Wilson: [smiling] See? [talking to Amber] I told you he's getting better.
Cuddy: This is the part where I play the employer and you play the employee.
House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.
Cuddy: I sent this to State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.
House: Why?
Cuddy: Because it's easier this way.
House: You're uncomfortable with me.
Cuddy: No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.
House: Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.
Cuddy: There was no sexual tension.
House: There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...
Cuddy: Here. [hands him the letter]
House: It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.
Cuddy: Are you sure you're okay?
House: Yeah. False alarm... what about us?
Cuddy: We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.
House: By buttons you mean... [epiphany] huh... [on his way out] You do make me feel funny.
Donny: How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I'm healthy just to make me feel better...
House: Does sound way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think I'm fixing it. And if our fake test confirms it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too because I'm just that committed.
Donny: Michael's gonna be okay?
House: Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus, in which case I'll reconsider your fate argument. [rises to leave] Wanna give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my patients.
Donny: Yeah, in a bit.
House: Yeah, that's what I thought. This "saving the kid from pain" stuff is crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatever the hell you wanna do whenever the hell you wanna do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up.

[edit] Known Unknowns (6.07)

House: Really, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are… not fatal.
Chase: You lit the fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.
House: [giving his diagnosis on the phone] Now Cameron… pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit.
Cuddy: Tell me what you came here for, House.
House: I've got a legitimate medical reason.
Cuddy: You must be so proud.
House: [Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top] I've forgotten it.
House: I guess it's no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma.
Cuddy: I feel bad. I haven't named your testicles.
House: Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.
Cuddy: I don't know why you chose to give them names of somebody's aunts.
House: It's a compliment. They're always smoking.
Wilson: Yes you can sit here running up my hotel bill or you can go get the woman of your dreams.
House: I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference.

[edit] Teamwork (6.08)

House: This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.
Foreman [Chase and Cameron walk into House's office]: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.
House [to Taub]: The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. And she's never been much of an obstacle to you.
House: I was w… I was wrwrw…
Chase: What were you wrong about?
House: Any idea where I can get a "Mission Accomplished" banner?
House: I just need a good friend!
Cameron (to House, about Chase) You ruined him. So he can't even see right from wrong. Can't even see the sanctity of a human life anymore. (long pause) I loved you. And I loved Chase. I feel sorry for you both, for what you've become, because there's no way back for either of you.

[edit] Ignorance Is Bliss (6.09)

House: (Chase is not participating in the diagnosis) Say somethimg or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!
Chase: House.......... (gets up and punches House in the face)
[House throws a wrapped bagel on the counter.]
Cashier: $2.32.
House: Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.
Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs.
House: (bends down closer to her) Do you know who I am?
Cashier: No.
House: Good. (walks away)
Foreman: TTP is a better fit.
Thirteen: He's right.
[Silence]
Thirteen: You thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever?
House: You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. — Oh, sorry. It was mutual.
Chase: I've got it under control.
Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. And obviously you didn't.
Chase: And talking about it obviously made things so much better.
Thirteen: Speaking of House… why did you come back? You must've taken a major paycut.
Taub: Life's too short to worry about money.
Thirteen: Your wife feels the same way?
Taub: She's happy to cut back on some things — like… sex.
Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
Chase: I don't remember. So I guess, I did.
House: Sorry, I can't remember if I mocked you yet for being a male nurse.
Male nurse: I think this counts.
House: Fair enough.
House: Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that.
House: You'd be surprised what you can live without.

[edit] Wilson (6.10)

Wilson: Where's House?
Taub: Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's kind of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.
Thirteen: He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.
Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House!
House: No. Right. That's room 12A.
House: Religion just killed another person.
House [after Wilson asks if he'll be at his transplant surgery]: No... If you die I'm alone.
House: Disappointment is anger for wimps.
Wilson: You can't change a table.
House: Actually you can. You just need a bucket of paint and the guts to use it.

[edit] The Down Low (6.11)

House: I need the drugs
Eddie: We're in textiles.
House: [yelling] I need the drugs!
[Eddie looks at him blankly]:
House: Hmmm. Works for Jack Bauer.
House: He won't tell us anything. Understandable, since he's a drug dealer.
Thirteen: So he's dangerous and withholding, which you find irresistible. But guys like that, they never call.
Mickey: An adult wants to get wasted, why is it anybody's business what substance they use?
Taub: Because some of those substances are against the law.
Mickey: So your problem isn't that it's immoral. Your problem is that it's illegal. I got the same problem.
Wilson: I ran into Nora this morning. She told me about your Evita listening party.
House: The London and New York recordings are so different.
Wilson: You were supposed to tell her that we're straight.
House: She didn't believe me, either.
House: I'd like to date her. In the sense that I'd like to jump her repeatedly.
House: That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.
Thirteen: Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.
Taub: Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.
House: Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...
Chase: Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.
House: I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.

[edit] Remorse (6.12)

Thirteen: Why do you want to meet her so badly?
House: Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?
House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.
[Chase gets up and leaves, but Taub just sits there, looking at House]
Taub: Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right?
House: (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex.
Thirteen: No, thanks.
House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.
Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other.
House: Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?
House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?
Valerie: Dr. House. What are you doing?
House: Just checking in on your radiotherapy.
Valerie: From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.
House: I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?
Valerie: I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.
House: I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.
Valerie: So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?
House: Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.
Valerie: Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.
House: I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.
Valerie: So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.
Chase: I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.
House: Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors.
House: Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left.
Wilson: (entering the office) What are you doing?
House: Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (rips check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.
Wilson: Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?
House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

[edit] Moving the Chains (6.13)

House: You're turning white.
Patient's Mother: What does that mean?
House: It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.
Thirteen: What happened to your face?
House: Wilson annexed the Sudetenland.
House: You know why you're black?
Patient: God loves me more than he does you?
House: Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone.

[edit] 5 to 9 (6.14)

House: You ever notice how many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good.
House: [to Cuddy] I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.
Cuddy: You were with Lucas?
House: He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.
Cuddy: Call Gail. Tell her I want to see her in my office ASAP.
Oscar: But she's sick.
Cuddy: This place is full of sick people. Just get her in here.
House [to Cuddy]: Thought you had an important meeting.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite.
Cuddy: Hourani will be done soon.
House: Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting.
House [to Cuddy]: If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams.
Wilson [to Cuddy]: How's it going?
Cuddy: [calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson] Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Wilson: Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?
Cuddy: Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Cuddy: I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Wilson: They might fire you.
Cuddy [to Wilson]: What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?
Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.
Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.
House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Cuddy: You would.
House: Probably. But then I also wanted to try and cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?
[When Chase and Dr. Thomas are fighting]
Cuddy: (to House) What the hell is going on?
House: I told them to use their words.
House: They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit.
Cuddy: Why not?
House: Because you're an idiot.
Cuddy [after she gets her 12% from AtlanticNet Insurance]: Yeeeeesss! Whooo! Yes!
[Last lines]
Lucas [to Cuddy when her cell phone rings]: You gonna get that?

[edit] Private Lives (6.15)

Wilson [to House]: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
Wilson: It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
House: Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.
Wilson: Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life.
Wilson [to House]: Come out with me tonight. I'm going speed dating.
House: You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in.
Foreman [to House]: You plan on doing any work today?
House: I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.
House: Eeny, meeny, miny, Thirteen and Tiny.
[When Wilson invites Chase to go speed dating along with House]
House: [to Wilson] You brought a date?
Chase: Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
Wilson: You need to dive back into the pool.
House: And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
Chase: It's not a beauty pageant.
House: Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
Chase: Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: [looking at Chase] You kind of are.
Chase: So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
Wilson: Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
House: The rest is your hair.
[During speed dating, House talks to a girl named Melodie]
House: I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
Melodie: Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.
Wilson [to Chase]: I'm looking to get something on House.
Chase: Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret?
Wilson [to House]: Why are you reading a book by a Unitarian minister?
House: Book club. Oprah was going on and on...
[House's team is reading "Step by Step: Sermons for Everyday Life?" which is what House is secretly reading]
Taub: Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil –
House: Read Chapter 6, entitled: "Shut the Hell Up."
Foreman: I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord.
House: Chapter 2, "Bite Me."
House [to Wilson]: If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.
House [to the patient, Frankie]: Do you poop? [Frankie looks at Thirteen who looks at House.] Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school. Sinkers or floaters?
Chase: This is the wizard.

[edit] Black Hole (6.16)

Mr. Damon: What conclusions can we draw from the incredible number of stars?
Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad.
House: Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the ... 18 ... no, 17-year-old honor student —
Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls and they don't start drinking until second semester senior year.
House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means ... well, I guess it's the same both ways.
Thirteen: Then how did you —
House: Picture fell out of the file; she looks smart.
Thirteen: We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
Artie: To my son's sperm?
Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem. ... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...
Abby: It's a black hole.
Foreman: She's hallucinating.
Taub: I certainly hope so.

(Texting between Taub and Rachel; then House and Rachel when he steals phone)

Taub: Whatcha doing?
Rachel: groceries.
Taub: What r u wearing?
Rachel: U don't want to know.
House: Take off your shirt.
Rachel: R u nuts?
House: Touch yourself.

Rachel smiles, contemplates. Back in House's office:

Taub: House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.
House: Trust me; this is gonna help.

(Monitor in cog sci lab displays an image of someone swinging a bat)

Thirteen: What are you thinking?
Abby: About Nick playing baseball.
Taub: Holy crap!
Chase: That's amazing.
Foreman: Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.
Chase: Does anything get you excited?

...

Foreman: Well, it's taken us just over an hour to prove that she has a very boring subconscious.
House: Anyone ever tell you you can be a real buzzkill?
Chase, Taub, Thirteen: Yes.
Saleswoman: Can I help you with something?
Wilson: Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.
Saleswoman: It's made of wood, and you eat off it.
Wilson: So you're paid by commission?
Saleswoman: It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.
Wilson: Thank you so much.

[edit] Knight Fall (6.18)

[The team sees House walking in the hall with a sword]
Thirteen: I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well.
House: Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her?
Wilson: You were home last night?
House: And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked.
Wilson:I told you to stay out of my bathroom!
House: I was in the kitchen.
Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
House: I was naked.
Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
House: Uh, it's not important right now.
Wilson: People change, House.
House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.
Foreman: All it takes is one bad eyeball.
Thirteen: Or testicle, cow brain or my personal favorite, [looks at Chase eating] pig rectum with a side order of sphincter.
[Chase looks back at her and takes a big bite of his sandwich]
Taub: I think they call that breakfast in Australia.
Cuddy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things Wilson doesn't tell you.
House: (chuckling and leaning forward in the chair) Would I? Like — like how you slept with your father's best friend or...
Cuddy: I'm gonna kill him.
House: You need to break them up.
Cuddy: Forget it.
House: So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time? You remember what he was like after that?
Cuddy: Yes I do.
House: Well, then do something. (leaning back in the chair) God knows he's not gonna listen to me. You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers. Obviously, I don't include myself.
Taub: You think I've never been in a fight?
Chase: No, I just think you've never won one.
Taub: I took on three guys in college once.
House: (coming into the lab) Hope they bought you dinner first.
Wilson: Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam…
House: Told you so.
Wilson: No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.
House: Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.
Wilson: It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.
House: Why?
Wilson: She thinks I was hiding her from you.
House: You were.
Wilson: I don't want her to know.
House: So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.
Wilson: Yeah.
House: When and where?
William: I thought you were gonna tell her.
Thirteen: It's not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to.
William: Knights are supposed to be selfless.
Thirteen: Right, they conquered countries and built Castles by being selfless. Bravery and loyalty are great qualities, for soldiers. If you want to be King, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours.
Sam: It's just dinner. Relax.
Wilson: Trust me, there is no "just" when House is involved.
Sam: We're in the middle of a restaurant. What could he possibly...(She pauses, looking across the room) Do?
Wilson: (Following her gaze) That.
[House is coming toward them with a woman, obviously a transvestite, on his arm]
House: Wilson's not like us. He cares too much about people and their feelings.
Thirteen: Thanks for the compliment.
House: The code that our Knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and chivalry. Wilson's naturally like that, which is why he's—
Thirteen: A great guy?
House: A sucker and a target. So we gotta look out for him.
House: I guess you've never heard the expression, "gas chromatography machines don't lie."
William: Neither does Miles. He's the best Knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen King.
House: Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.
House: Careful. I have a sword.
Sam: (pushing the sword toward the floor) I don't agree with what you said. But I understand why you said it. We were married young, we both made mistakes, and yes, I did make most of them. But that was almost a decade ago.
House: I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking?

[edit] Open and Shut (6.19)

[edit] The Choice (6.20)

Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.

[edit] Baggage (6.21)

Nolan: You're late.
House: You're fat.

[edit] Help Me (6.22)

House: Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium...
Cuddy: We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate.
House: But not with glucose and Insulin. We have glucose in the Kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere.
Cuddy: You wanna dose the Insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.
House: Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge--he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting every option.
Cuddy: I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me.
House: Really? Wow.So this is all about you now.
Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
Cuddy: I don't love you. So just...Accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-aged single mom who's dating a man-child.
Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done.
House: Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
Cuddy: What are you clinging to, House? You're gonna risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life, honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you...You've got nothing, House. Nothing! I'm going down there, and I'm gonna convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll just stay out of it.
House: You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... Very risky operation. I almost died.
Hanna: But you saved your leg.
House: I wish I hadn't. They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain...every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg.
Foreman: You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault!
House: THAT'S THE POINT!! I did everything right, she died anyway! Why the hell do you think that would make me feel any better?!
Foreman: You shouldn't be alone right now. You're bleeding.
House: I'm gonna give you a task as an employee. Get out of my way.
Cuddy: I'm stuck, House. I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new house, with my new fiancé, and all I can think about is you. I just need to know if you and I can work.
House: You think I can fix myself?
Cuddy: I don't know.
House: 'Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world.
Cuddy: I know. I love you. I wish I didn't. But I can't help it.

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Now What? (7.01)

House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I!
House: Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There is an 'I' in Cuddy.
[Wilson is knocking on the door.]
Cuddy: Just let him in.
House: No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor.
House: [Answers cell phone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.
Wilson: [both outside House's door and on cell phone] House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
House: If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow.
[Cuddy glares at him.]
House: Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.
Thirteen: So you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask I mean give me your opinion.
Chase: No. There's one thing, though....will you have sex with me?
Thirteen: ...what?
Chase: Well, this trial mean you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.
Cuddy: I really do have to leave.
House: I know.
Cuddy: Then what's the problem?
House: This isn't going to work.
Cuddy: ....that's it? You can't just say that and shut up.
House: It's just a statement of fact, it's not a debatable proposition.
Cuddy: Right...because you can see the future.
House: No, but I can see the past and you're going to remember all the horrible things I've done and try to convince yourself that I've changed and I'm going to start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed..then you'll realize that I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this...was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.
Cuddy: The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.
House: 'Cause it doesn't.
Cuddy: You don't know that.
House: I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again, to you. Because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change. Tell me where I am wrong.
Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be the most incredible man I have ever known. So, unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.

[She kisses him goodbye and gets up to leave, to be held back by House grabbing her hand.]

House: I love you.

[edit] Selfish (7.02)

Wilson: What happened?
House: She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that was what she meant. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes' and that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.
[After Cuddy gives House a kiss in front of Wilson to confirm House's claims to him]
Wilson: I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
House: Mabel? Up high!
[A brief pause after House holds up his right hand. Cuddy grabs his crotch with a surprised look from Wilson.]
Cuddy: We done here?
[Wilson nods and she leaves.]
House: She didn't even ask me to cough.
Hugo: [To his sister Della, the patient] You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. That's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you, then I really can share everything you do. THIS is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.

[edit] Unwritten (7.03)

Cuddy: You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?
House: Cool, right?
Cuddy: Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.
House: As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.
Cuddy: As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.
House: [Examining stuffed animals] Which of these says "I want to sleep with you" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver. Beaver. Beaver. You're right. It's too high school.
House: I've been busy.
Cuddy: Doing what?
House: You.

[edit] Massage Therapy (7.04)

Chase: Oh, and she's not like Cameron.
House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.
Taub: (looking at a picture of a young Chase with his mother) Awww, it's baby Chase and his mama.
House: Ignore the baby, look at the babe.
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: I got bored with the porn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff?
Foreman: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly.
Chase: Thank you.
Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.
Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime.
House: So this time I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old Doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.
Chase: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
House: Wednesday is when I have my shark tank cleaned.
House [to Kelly]: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.
Wilson: How are things going with Cuddy?
House: Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple.
Wilson [to House about spending the night with Cuddy]: Are you sleeping over there yet?
House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.
Wilson: Whose idea was that?
House: Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners… video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep.
Foreman: I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything?
Taub: Yeah… I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a problem with our new doctor.
Foreman: Sorry, we should all be super-polite in the DDXs, fail to correct each other, and then treat patients for diseases they don't have.
Taub: Dude, is this about Thirteen?
Foreman: [scoffs] No. Why are you calling me "dude"?
Taub: Maybe it's hard seeing House replace her when you've still got feelings.
Foreman: One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude?
Taub: It felt right. [shrugs]
House [to Margaret when she regains consciousness]: Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear… It's Aunt Em, darling.
Margaret: What's-what's wrong with me?
House: Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy problems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how."
Chase [to House]: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
House: Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned.
Foreman [to Chase]: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly.
Chase: Thank you.
Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.
Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime.
Foreman: I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well.
Chase [to House]: What are you doing?
House: Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband probably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book.
Kelly: Normal EKG. No osler nodes.
House: Right, Dr. Kelly!
Chase: Kelly's her first name.
House: What's your point, Dr. Robert?
Chase [to Foreman]: So who gives a crap if I prepped her?
Foreman: Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head.
Chase: Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?
Foreman: We hire someone unqualified, it's just dead weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially.
Chase: You especially why?
Foreman: What do you mean why? Because I'm...
Chase: You're what? You're my boss or something?
Foreman: Something like.
Chase: So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.
Foreman: I am at a different level.
Chase: Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.
Foreman: It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.
Chase: Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.
House: You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.
Foreman: Give her a break.
House: Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…
Foreman: I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.
House: You are a true leader of men.

[edit] Unplanned Parenthood (7.05)

Wilson: [to Rachel] Hello. I'm the friendly moose that lives outside your bedroom.
House: She hates that moose.
House: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? I know about the Jew, the black, and the Croc Hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on?
Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there," while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
Wilson: Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.
House: You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out the window?!
Foreman: Where are you?
House: I believe this is what your people term a poopie call.
Foreman: Uh, the word's booty.
House: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopie call.
House: Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked "The Bridges of Madison County."
Wilson [to House]: You told me you gave them your credit card...
House: And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five.
Wilson: [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.
House: Oh, yes, I do.
Wilson: You're not gonna leave the kid?
House: Yes, I am. [begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.
Wilson: [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.
Taub: So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?
Chase: Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.
Taub [to Chase]: So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-considering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again] You suck.
Chase: House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone.
Taub: So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him?
Chase: Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.
Wilson: [to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.
House: She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.
Wilson [when he sees Cuddy]: Medusa at 6:00!

[edit] Office Politics (7.06)

House: Martha M. Masters. I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.
House: Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?
Dr. Foreman: I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.
Dr. Cuddy: What is that smell? Is it onions? Peppers? Oh, I know... it's a sausagefest.
House: Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree.
Dr. Cuddy: You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300
House: That's also true of five morons.
House: How mad would you be if I fired Masters?
Dr. Cuddy: Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.
House: Never mind, then.
House: E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider... pork cider! I need the number of the patent office.
House [to Masters]: Say something brilliant.
Masters: Oh, I, I don't...
House: Capital of Azerbaijian?
Masters: Baku.
House: Year Beethoven died?
Masters: 1827.
House: Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?
Masters: Six. (giggles) It's my favorite constant.
House: She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.
House [to Cuddy]: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Cuddy: Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

[edit] A Pox on Our House (7.07)

Masters: Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.
House: Scrofulicous. That's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s.
Chase [to House]: You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
House: Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.
Taub: The virus can't survive over 200 years.
House: You have.
Masters: Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
House: So were hush puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
House: Why aren't you guys in my office?
Foreman: Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.
House: Where's Chase?
Taub: He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.
Masters [to House]: You don't trust me.
House: Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.
Masters: Julie doesn't have smallpox.
House: Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.
Masters: So I guess honesty is the best policy.
House: Why'd you say that? Seriously... to establish your viewpoint as if I didn't already know it. Or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?
Masters: Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.
House: Oh.
House: Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business.
House: Are you a Stepford doctor?
Chase: Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
House: [gesture with his hand] Those are not the droids you are looking for.
House: So who do we believe: CDC or Dr. 90210?

[edit] Small Sacrifices (7.08)

House [to Cuddy]: What you got against chickens? One got choked last night, thanks to you.
Marisa: You don't believe in God?
House: I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.
Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother, and they've been happily married for 32 years.
Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model. Sorry. That didn't come out right.
House: [to Taub] Trying to catch your wife cheating?
Taub: Oh… Why would you say that?
House: Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up your theory. And Chase told me. Go. Find your mojo.
[While Chase and Masters are at their patient, Ramon's apartment; Chase is trying to pick the door lock]
Chase [to Masters]: You're okay with burglary now?
Masters: I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the patient is going to hide something, but our patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything.
Masters: I guess worry is good for the waistline.
House: Classic Neurohecatia. [to Ramon] Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.
Ramon: Really?
House: No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.
Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations.
House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."
Ramon: Faith is not a disease.
House: No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.
House: You're all correct. He has M.S, but not the friendly Mr. Rogers M.S.
Masters [to Ramon]: You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.
Ramon: You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.
House: Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.
Masters [to House]: If you had told me, he'd be dead by now. So why do I still want to tell the truth?
House: Either you're naïve or you have scruples. I'm not sure which is worse.
Masters: This is insane. We can't work like this.
House: I can.
House [to Cuddy]: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. [pause] I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.

[edit] Larger Than Life (7.09)

Dr. Cuddy: Wilson.
House: It's uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. Oh, screw it. I'm coming.
Dr. Cuddy: No, no. no. I am not going to be responsible for that. You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.
House: Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson.
Dr. Cuddy: House… I need you to come to that dinner for two hours. Keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.
Arlene: I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold I get this weird pain in my shoulder.
House: I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining... except for just now.
Arlene: How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?
House: Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death, it's just a guess.
Arlene: My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
House: She sounds smart.
Arlene: Did she tell you to say that?
House: I've never met your daughter.
Arlene: That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.
Masters [to House]: Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
House: Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.
Dr. Wilson [to House]: You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
House: She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...
Dr. Wilson: I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.
Masters: Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.
House: Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.
Masters: Am I in trouble?
House: I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

[edit] Carrot or Stick (7.10)

Masters [about Driscoll]: Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?
House: Fascinating.
Masters [smiles]: Thanks. We can wean him off...
House: Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.
Masters [to Chase]: You're a whore.
Foreman [about Masters]: She's brilliant, but new to the real world.
Chase: My password was "password."
Masters: You're a dumb whore.
House [to Wilson] : How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?
Wilson: Sorry, not playing. [gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.] Go away, House. [puts on his lab coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
House: But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
House: Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
House: Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [gets an idea and turns & walks off]
Wilson: Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!
[Foreman calls House on his cell phone as House is at a playground]
Foreman: House, where are you?
House: Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.
Chase: Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.
Taub: How did you get out of there?
Chase: I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.
Taub: One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.
House [to Chase]: Cancel your credit card, find that girl, and marry her.
Masters [to Driscoll about Landon]: He doesn't need a drill instructor. He needs a dad.
Cuddy: Hey, Rachel, have you ever played "Feed the Monkey" before?
[Rachel takes her time answering. She looks up at House and back to Cuddy]
Rachel: No, Mama.
House [about Rachel]: She seemed so dumb, but when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done, and she did it.
Ali: [to Chase]: Oh, currently, your password is "great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."

[edit] Family Practice (7.11)

Arlene [to Cuddy]: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker.
[House and his team are watching television in the morgue]
Masters: [whispers] Is no one going to tell me.. [House shushes her as he watches television] Why we're in the morgue?
Chase: House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.
Foreman: Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…
Taub [to House]: You bugged the room?
House: I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.
Cuddy [to House]: If something like that comes up again, just… do what you need to do.
House: And keep you out of it?
Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual.
Chase: What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart?
Foreman [to House]: Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?
House: Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.
Taub: Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.
Foreman: We're doing the right thing. Stay out of it.
Taub: I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...
Foreman: Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kill you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here.
Cuddy: I can't believe it. What just happened?
House: You just killed her.
Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!
House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.
Cuddy: She would have left the hospital.
House: Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.
Cuddy: You think I can control her?
House: I don't know. I've never seen you try.
Cuddy: I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life.
House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her… and it pisses me off.
Cuddy: Are you taking this personally?
House: She leaves, she dies. One day… maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you killed your mother.
Cuddy [to Arlene]: I asked you before why you were tough on me.
Arlene: I wasn't.
Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.
Rachel Taub [to Taub]: Chris… you were a crappy husband… but you are a good person.
House [to Masters]: Once again, you are unfired.
Masters: Why?
House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.
Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.
House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

[edit] You Must Remember This (7.12)

Dr. Foreman: You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
Taub: Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.
House: Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.
Masters: That actually makes no logical sense.
House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.
House: Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend.
Dr. Cuddy: My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.
House: Or you're both lying to me.
Dr. Cuddy: I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied?
House: Noooooo.
Masters: What about a tutor?
Taub: I don't need a tutor.
House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
Taub: Foreman.
House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.
Taub: I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
Dr. Foreman: Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.
Dr. Foreman [to House]: Why are you giving me these?
House: Because, while they're all running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.
Dr. Foreman: There's an entire department for that.
House: Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.

[edit] Two Stories (7.13)

House: Any questions?
Alex: (raises his arm) What's a vibrator?
Sophie: Isn't that like sexual harassment?
House: Not if you are good-looking.

(after House tells the class about the lung)

Sophie: How is it even possible?
House: That's what she said. (after noticing that the class keeps looking at him) No, seriously, she really said that.
Masters: (flashback) How is it even possible?
Cuddy: I just need some time alone.
House: Because I used your toothbrush?!
Cuddy: And you didn't take out the trash.
House: That's insane. You know that, right?
Cuddy: You do whatever you want. Always.
House: I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!
Cuddy: And you're always right. And not you always think you're right. You are actually always right, because that's all that matters.
House: That doesn't even make sense. You want me to be wrong?
Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. You may even love me, but you don't care about me, and deserve someone who does.
Ms. Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
House: Is there a third option?
Ms. Fields: Actually, I don't think there is.
House: I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.
Ms. Fields: And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.
House: You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.
Ms. Fields: I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.
House: Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.
Ms. Fields: And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.
House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

[edit] Recession Proof (7.14)

Cuddy: House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.
House: This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.
Cuddy: So you'll be there?
House: No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.
Cuddy: What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?
House: Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.
Cuddy: If you ever want…
House: I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?
Cuddy: If you were already going, why did you…
House: Foreplay.
Foreman [to Taub]: Are you wearing my tie?
Taub: Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.
Foreman: Why were you in my closet?
Taub: Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
House: Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.
House: Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly stabby girlfriend.
House: Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)
Chase: Already got a date.
House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.
Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
House: Why does everyone go to that?
Foreman: Experience?
House: Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month.
House [about Foreman and Taub]: What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here!
[House is auditioning a mariachi band for the charity gala and Wilson interrupts them]
Wilson: Hey!
[House whistles and the music stops]
House: Huh?
Wilson: What are you doing?
House: What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.
Wilson: So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.
House: Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening…
Wilson: I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.
House: Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… [the music starts again]
Chase [about Bert]: His hearing is almost completely gone.
Masters: The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.
Chase: Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.
Masters: Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.
House: Oh, no, she di'int!
Chase: This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.
House: Zing.
Chase: He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.
Masters: Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone.
Chase: You have a better idea?
House: I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.
Wilson [to Cuddy]: Looking forward to Friday night?
Cuddy: Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.
Wilson: You think House is going to embarrass you.
Cuddy: Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.
Masters [to Chase]: Do you even like me?
Chase: Why?
Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Chase: Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.
Foreman: We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariachi band marches in.
House: [knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it] We really, really need to talk.
Cuddy: You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
House: You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.
Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
House: I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]

[edit] Bombshells (7.15)

House: Good thing I brought my Axe-Cane.

[In a sitcom style similar to Two and a Half Men. Applause; knock on door]

Wilson: I’ll get it!
House [off screen]: That better be her.

[Wilson opens the door. A police officer and a little girl wearing flannel with a stripe of pink in her hair are standing in the hallway. The audience oohs.]

Wilson: Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.
Rachel: Don’t blame me; he’s the one who wouldn’t run any red lights.

[The audience laughs. The police officer walks Rachel inside the apartment.]

Officer: The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where’d she learn that?

[House enters blowing a bubble with gum. The audience cheers wildly.]

House [to the officer]: I don’t know why you’re here, but I didn’t do it.
Wilson: What’s the problem, officer?
Officer: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl’s father?
House: Nope! But since her mom died, she’s my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won’t happen again, ‘cause next time she won’t get caught.

[House slams the door shut behind the officer, then turns and high-fives Rachel. They hug. Wilson shrugs and joins in on the hug. Cuddy then wakes up from her dream, gasping and staring at the medication on her nightstand.]

House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Cuddy: [smiles] Make it two.
House: Bitch.
Cuddy: You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.
House: How did you know?
Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict?
House: It was a one time thing.
Cuddy: This is not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.
House: I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.
Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Cuddy: Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.
House: I came -- I came to be with you.
Cuddy: You weren't with me. Not really.
House: I wanted to be.
Cuddy: That's not enough.
House: I can do better.
Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.
House: No, no, no.
Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
House: Don't, don't. Please don't.
Cuddy: Goodbye, House.
Taub [about the video their patient made]: Copied from his flash drive. Do I go to the cops?
Chase: Yes. "Officer, I'd like to report an assault. The victim was a pile of leaves."
Masters [to Taub]: What are you gonna do?
Taub: What do you think I should do?
Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.
Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.
Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.
Taub: So I should call the cops.
Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively...
Taub: You suck at this.
Masters: [nearly in tears] Hate the statistics… not the statistician.
Cuddy [to House]: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
House: Set an alarm and everything.
Cuddy: It's like dating a ten-year-old.
House: God, I hope not.
Cuddy [to House]: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
House: But it is a good-time adjacent.
House [to Cuddy]: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.
Taub [to the patient, Ryan]: I know what it's like to be 16.
Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.
Taub: It's my job to notice things. Maybe talking to your parents would make things better.
Ryan: I've tried. They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.
Taub: In med school, it seemed like everybody else could handle the pressure. I couldn't. I ended up hurting myself. Stupidest thing I've ever done.
House [to Cuddy]: You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.
Cuddy: As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.
House: [in a shrill tone] Calling a lawyer, drafting a will! [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay. I-I… hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.
Cuddy: I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.
House: But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.
Cuddy: The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.
House: For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is… Oh, look! Now. [turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch even though he isn’t wearing one.]
Cuddy: My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.
House: Actually, it is.
Cuddy: But I'm not sick, right?
House: [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]
Cuddy [to Julia]: I mean, if you're okay with this. You have 3 kids of your own.
Julia: It's not even a question. Of course I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean, you guys…
Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.
Julia: Hmm. Seems like a lot longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for ten years. And by talking, I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler for being such a jerk.
Cuddy: People change.
[When House arrives at Wilson's office]
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: Pie-eating contest.
House: Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.
Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
House: Three: I hate the smell of death.
Wilson: The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma...
House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to...
Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it... I don't know... once?
House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
House: [thinks this over and nods] You're right.
Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs?
House: Have I ever said no to that question?
Chase [to Cuddy]: Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.
Foreman [to Taub]: What is it with you and this kid?
Taub: He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.
Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.
Taub: That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.
Foreman: Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them it another time.
House: All dream symbols mean you’re stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.
Wilson [to House]: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do is here is, but then I realized that if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony.

[edit] Out of the Chute (7.16)

Cuddy: I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.
House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way." [He pauses and watches her face] "And she caves."
Wilson [to Cuddy]: Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House... every time I needed him to step up... He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
Wilson [to House]: We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.
House: So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.
Wilson [to Cuddy about House]: He needs you.
Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.
Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...
Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. 2 weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.
Masters [about House]: Cuddy dumped him?
Taub: Don't do that. Don't get sucked in.
Masters: He loves her. What? You can't feel bad for him for 5 minutes?
Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze, Vicodin, and hooker-filled bender.
Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control.
Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too?
House: Who's in charge?
Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…
House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?
Taub [to House]: Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
House: Those my only 2 choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.
Taub: That is not true in so many ways.
House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.
Masters [to Taub]: You really think House isn't using Vicodin?
Taub: Does it actually worry you?
Masters: If he's self-prescribing meds, that could affect his judgment.
Taub: And does that worry you?
Masters: Are you being sarcastic?
Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it.
Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
Taub [to Masters]: It's interesting.
Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
Taub: Oh. Is that all?
Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
[After House jumps from a balcony into a pool]
House: What do you do when you win?
Students: Party!
House: What do you do when you lose?
Students: Party harder!

[edit] Fall From Grace (7.17)

Wilson: You're trying to screw with Cuddy.
House: Yeah, it's the classic 'you dump me so I'm going to get married a week later' ruse. Cuz not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.
House: Kid's a junkie.
Taub: Tox screens were negative for drug use.
House: His hair wasn't. I had it tested. Because unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally-ill 20 somethings without drug problems don't exist.
House: Once an addict, always an addict. [House takes Vicodin]
Masters: Think House is coming in today?
Foreman: Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.
Masters: He already jumped off of a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next?
Masters: Seriously, who is that?
Taub: They say he's a righteous dude.
[When House arrives in his office on a Segway with Dominika]
House: Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.
Dominika [stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively]: Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]
Chase: Doing what exactly?
House: Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!
[Dominika gets on the Segway behind House and puts her arms around his waist]
Masters: I don't think that two people are supposed…
House: Living on the edge, baby doll!
[House honks the horn and he and Dominika roll out of the conference room on the Segway]
House [about his Segway]: Have you any idea how much this toy cost?
Cuddy: I don't care.
House: For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.
Cuddy: For some reason, I still don't care.
Wilson: Congratulations on your engagement.
House: I hear a strange voice.
Dominika: A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.
Taub [when House's helicopter hits him in the head]: Ow! What the hell?
House: Negative reinforcement.
Dominika: In your head!
House: It's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
House: Close enough.
Masters [about the patient]: We have to help him.
House: I'd love to, but I got 4 million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.
[While House and his team are riding in a monster truck]
Foreman [to House]: Would you slow down! You're gonna get us arrested.
Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first.
House: Don't make me take my shoe off!
[When House checks the patient, Danny's pulse]
Danny: Who are you?
House: Shhh!
Danny: What are you doing?
House: Test.
Danny: Who are you?
House: The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.
Danny: No.
House: Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.
Danny: I'm not a criminal.
House: Awesome. What color is my underwear?
Masters [about Danny]: Did you find out his real name?
House: Cerebellar ataxia.
Masters: That's a weird name.
Wilson [about House]: He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.
Cuddy: It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.
Wilson: And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.
Cuddy: Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.
Wilson: Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.
Cuddy: I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.
Wilson [walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest]: You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
Cuddy [to House]: The chapel still has sanctity for some people.
House: You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.
Cuddy: It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.
[Near the end of the episode, Masters arrives at work the next morning to find a crowd gathered around Danny's hospital room; Masters finds Foreman standing at the nurse's station]
Masters: What's going on?
Foreman: Danny disappeared without checking out.
[FBI investigators are searching Danny’s room]
Masters: So you called the FBI? [approaches Taub and Chase, who have been watching the proceedings happening in Danny’s room]
Chase: We didn't call them, they just showed up. Danny's DNA… When we sent it to the lab for testing, it set off alarm bells all over the country.
Masters: Alarm bells for what?
Foreman: He's linked to 13 unsolved murders in 10 different states.
Chase: He's a serial killer who eats his victims.
Taub: And we saved him. [Masters has a look of devastation on her face]

[edit] The Dig (7.18)

Foreman: House says he is gonna be out for the next three days.
Chase: Sweet! If I go straight to the airport, I can make Cabo for the last call.
Foreman: Where are you?
House: On my way to the greater Schenectady chili cook-off and spud gun competition.
Chase [to Masters about the patient]: You were right. That was an interesting case. You start him on Levaquin. [walking away] I'll start looking for my good flip-flops.
[Thirteen is driving in the car with House]
Thirteen: What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.
House: First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [Thirteen doesn’t get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?
Thirteen: I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.
House: I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.
Thirteen: I don't even have a change of clothes.
House: Damn. If only I'd planned for that.
Thirteen: The interrogation thing is getting annoying.
House: Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.
House [to Thirteen]: Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.
Thirteen: Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.
House [under his breath]: Not that much.
Foreman [to Taub]: You gonna tell me where you were last night?
Taub: I ran into a friend.
Foreman: We had 50 bucks on the Bulls. I had to eat a large pizza by myself.
Taub: You missed me.
Foreman: Not as much as I miss my $50.
House [to Thirteen]: You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He doesn't get an answer from Thirteen] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.
Thirteen: No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.
House: I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.
House [to Thirteen]: Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.
Thirteen: Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still believe.
Thirteen [to House] : You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?
House: Where's the fun in that?
Thirteen: You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
House: Lucas?
Thirteen: Mm-hmm.
House: You don't know?
Thirteen: What, is he dead or something?
House: No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
Thirteen [to House]: You're awfully quiet.
House: Sorry. That's just how I get around people who have recently killed a man.
Chase [about the patient]: You missed something at his place. His wife.
House [to his team]: Go with God. And some air freshener.
Taub [to Foreman]: You're mad.
Foreman: No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.
Taub: I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.
Foreman: Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.
Taub: You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry.. [slightly laughing] but it was worth it.
House [to Masters]: Hey, Harriet the Spy, before you get too full of yourself, you might want to go back to bio 101. It takes two to not-tango.
Foreman: Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.
House: It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."
[After House drops Thirteen off at her home]
House: Home, sweet home. [Thirteen doesn't get out of the car and looks out the window] You owe me 87 bucks for gas.
House [to Thirteen]: I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.

[edit] Last Temptation (7.19)

Masters: She could die.
House: Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. I think it's the Second Amendment.
House: Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least, that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.
Dr. Cuddy: Working with House is great. And it sucks. Often simultaneously.
Masters: Isn't that House's chicken?
Dr. Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
Masters: So call it off.
Dr. Wilson: And lose $20?
Masters [to Thirteen]: Why are you lying about rehab?
Thirteen: Because the real reason I was gone is not something I want to share.
Masters: Couldn't you just say that? Should be enough for Foreman and the others.
Thirteen: How long have you worked here. House's people have personalities that range from nosy to, "pardon me while I do this cavity search."
Dr. Foreman [to Masters]: I'm glad you're gonna be sticking around after today.
Masters: Really? You want me to stay?
Dr. Foreman: It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.
Masters: If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in.
Dr. Foreman: Find a way around them.
Masters: I'd have to lie to him, which is still lying.
Thirteen: Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth.
Thirteen: Thank you, House, for respecting my privacy. What a perfect reminder that I'm back.
Dr. Foreman: I didn't even know you had a problem.
House: Loved ones are always the last to know. Loved ones and robotic, estranged ex-boyfriends.
Masters: I broke the rules because I believed I was right.
House: You were right.
Masters: Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.
House: And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.
Masters: I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.
House: You can't always get what you want.

[edit] Changes (7.20)

Taub: Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.
House: Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.
Thirteen: Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.
House: It's like there's two of me.
Dr. Cuddy: My mom and I got into a fight, Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own house. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers.
House: Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a house. My name is House.
Dr. Cuddy: You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor.
House: Those beads from Thailand. If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into.
Dr. Cuddy: My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.
House: You know, I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.
Dr. Cuddy [to House]: No clinic hours for the next quarter.
House: Yeah, three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally. And three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.
Dr. Cuddy: Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game.
House: You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?
Dr. Cuddy: He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...
House: She's like this in bed, too. Always scheming to get the lawyers out of the room.
House [to Thirteen]: You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
Thirteen: And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.
Thirteen: I think if she said yes after 14 hours, even he'd be suspicious.
Taub: You're lucky you're hot and smart, because... well, you're just lucky you're hot and smart.
Dr. Foreman [to House]: (in a yoga position with his legs over his head) I need a hooker.
House: Not if you can make that work.
House: Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?
Thirteen: You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.
House: You keep saying it. Several times a day.
Thirteen: I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.
Thirteen: She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the Godmother and her consigliere.
House: Bitch to King Four.
Taub: Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede.
House: Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor.
House: It'll end horribly.
Thirteen: Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot but he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.
House: You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, the maybe you don't have to hate the universe, for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
Thirteen: And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like someone took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

[edit] The Fix (7.21)

Thirteen: Karma's a bitch.
Dr. Foreman: You think her seizures are the result of bad karma?
Thirteen: I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you.
Dr. Wilson: If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you.
Dr. Foreman: No, it's not.
Dr. Wilson: No, it's not, but he does.
Dr. Foreman: Thanks. I feel all warm inside.
Taub: Underlying neurological condition exasperated by an acute UTI brought on her sexual escapades.
Thirteen: Slut? Escapade? How do we treat? A scarlet "A"?
Taub: Sorry. Acute URI brought on her by her healthy enjoyment of her womanhood.
Terry: What the hell?
House: Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.
Terry: Ep... is it dangerous?
House: In the wrong hands, very. So... yeah, sort of.
House: Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?
Dr. Riggin: How does coffee help your leg?
House: It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee.
Dr. Riggin: Right.
House: [referring to his patient] Apparently she's...a slutty scientist, whose milkshake brought all the nerds to the yard...

[edit] After Hours (7.22)

Dr. Wilson: You're an ass.
House: What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.
Darrien [to Thirteen]: I told you I couldn't go back. I shouldn't have trusted you. I never liked you. I killed time with you 'cause I was locked in a cage. You were a distraction. Someone to talk to so I didn't have to think about... everything else.
Thirteen: You're lashing out... I get it. But in a month, you'll thank me. Or maybe you won't, I don't know. But... I know I saved your life.
House [to Cuddy]: There are no cars coming. Just go.
Rachel: The light is red, ye bloody scallywag.
Cuddy: Stop with the pirate talk.
House: If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get your ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat.
Cuddy: Of course... you showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?
House: If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there seems to be more relevant examples.
Cuddy: Someone better be dying.
Thirteen: Great. I need you to stop at the hospital and check out a portable ultrasound machine for me.
Chase: Who's the father?
Chase [to Thirteen]: You killed your own brother?
Thirteen: Yes. It was awful and devastating, but it wasn't murder. He was sick and he wanted to die, and I promised I would help. Now please stop pacing and help me find this thing.
Chase: Have you talked to anybody about it? I mean, are you okay?
Thirteen: No, I may have an aortic arch aneurysm. Oh, wait, that's her. Either help me or leave.
Taub: I don't know why she's even considering having my kid. She barely knows me. All she knows is I'm a short, balding guy. It doesn't even make evolutionary sense.
Foreman: You want her to keep it?
Taub: No.
Foreman: 'Cause you'd make a crappy dad.
Taub: I said, "no."
Foreman: You're too selfish. That's why you cheated on your wife, why your marriage fell apart—
Taub: Dude, I said...
Foreman: I know you. The only reason you're sitting in a strip club, ignoring the strip club, is because you actually are considering it.
[When Darrien's condition grows worse]
Chase [to Darrien]: It's time to get you to the hospital.
Darrien: Oh, no. (looks at Thirteen) Remy, you promised.
Thirteen: (looking up at Chase) All we'll do at the hospital is stick her in a patient bed and give her IV clotting factor. We can do that right here.
Chase: We could also embalm her right here.
Thirteen: I'll call the drugs in. You go pick them up. If I'm right, she'll be fine. Look, I know you don't know her and you don't care about her, but I do. Please.
[Rachel is watching an adult pirate cartoon]
Cuddy: (to Rachel) What are you watching?
Rachel: TV, you bloody scallywag. [Cuddy turns off the TV] (whining) Mo-om!
[When House calls Cuddy for help, he is lying in the bathtub with his leg bleeding]
House [to Cuddy]: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Cuddy: Any reason why 911 wasn't on the list?
[Cuddy is driving House to the hospital]
Rachel: What happened to your leg?
House: I was trying to make it better.
Cuddy [to Rachel]: He was being reckless. Sit back, honey. (to House) This isn't about making your leg better. It's about making your life better.
House: Here we go. Wish I had called 911.
Cuddy: Why else would you risk your life doing something so stupid?
House: Well, you know, I've had a lot of setbacks lately.
Cuddy: Don't blame our breakup for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You're just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.
[Taub is waiting outside the strip club and Foreman comes out of the club]
Foreman [to Taub]: There you are. You were in the VIP room so long, I thought you were gonna pay off that girl's mortgage.
Taub: I got tossed out by Bobby the bouncer.
Foreman: You touched her?
Taub: I was looking at her mole.
Foreman: (chuckling) Genius. Let's go home.
Taub: I want to wait for the girl, make sure that mole's okay.
Foreman: Bobby the bouncer sees you standing out here like a stalker, he's gonna break open your skull.
Taub: It was asymmetrical. It might be cancerous.
Foreman: You want to get your skull cracked open. You're trying to punish yourself.
Taub: I want to fulfill my oath as a doctor.
Foreman: You think you're a screw-up because you got a girl pregnant and you deserve to suffer. You don't. You just need some sleep and you'll handle this mess. Let's get in the car.
Taub: She's probably off work soon.
Foreman: (zipping up his jacket) Give me the keys. I'll drive. [Taub ignores him] I'll get a cab. Good luck with everything. (walks away)
Chase [to Thirteen]: You were defending your friend beyond all rationality, granting her the right to die in your bedroom. Was it really all because of a promise?
Thirteen: That word means something to some people.
Chase: Not that much.
House: (to Rachel) Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?
Rachel: It was so funny.
House: No, it was so lame. Got a boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.
Rachel: She floated.
House: That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should have kept her.
[When House wakes up from surgery]
House: What are you doing here?
Wilson: You hoping for someone else?
House: Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.

[edit] Moving On (7.23)

Dr. Wilson: You're forging my name on prescriptions again.
House: No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.
House: (winning a bet against Foreman) Since I've seen your paycheck, I probably shouldn't. Canned beans aren't so bad... as long as they're cooked over an oil-drum fire under a bridge with the king of the hobos.
Taub: Nice, cozy home for little Ruben. It's a family name.
Ruby: It's a sandwich.
Taub: Named for my family.
House: My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.
Taub: Which doctor was that: Seuss or Dre?
House: Hey, we were just getting to the good part.
Dr. Chase: Is there a good part? It was performance art.
House [to Cuddy]: You think I have unresolved issues and you are the unresolved issues.
Cuddy: Yes. but it's... I think more than that. It's your life, your choices.
House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait, no, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No, no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you, or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I want to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.
Cuddy: If Greg House steps foot in my hospital again, comes anywhere near me, I want him thrown in jail.
Chase: I'm not gonna watch a woman get set on fire.
House: Philistine.
Chase: Arrhythmia, high hematocrit, and inconsistent RR variability.
Foreman: You forgot about the fourth symptom: being completely crazy.
Thirteen: One man's crazy is another woman's art.
Foreman: How do we know she's actually sick?
House: Her being sick is a clue.
Foreman: She would have let that guy set her on fire for the sake of her work. You think she's scared of a little arrhythmia? She probably huffed paint thinner.
Thirteen: She would have let him set her on fire because of the honesty of her work. Faking an illness doesn't fit.
House: Thirteen's right, at least her conclusion was. Everything else was laughably wrong. If the patient induced pancreatitis and a heart attack, she'd be suicidal.
Chase: Exactly. She's risking her life all the time.
House: Exactly. If she wanted to be dead, she'd be dead a long time ago. Pretending to cheat death pays better than watercolors.
Cuddy [to House]: You stood me up.
House: Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.
House [to Afsoun]: Now you're just pissing me off.
Luca: I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she...
House: If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?
Afsoun: Please don't take it out on Luca.
House: I'll take it out on whoever I think will irritate you the most.
Chase [to House about Afsoun]: You want us to waste a bed on her?
House: You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.
Cuddy: House… talk to me!
House: I already did.
Cuddy: [gets in front of House, trying to stop him] No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.
House: Get out of my way.
Cuddy: No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.
[Cuddy takes House's arms, trying to turn him to face her and House pushes Cuddy against a wall and they are staring face to face]
House: [loudly] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt.
[Cuddy takes House's hands from her upper arms and holds them.]
Cuddy: I know. I'm sorry.
House: It's not your fault. [pulls his hands free and walks off.]
[Thirteen walks into House's office and sees him with his jeans down and a white bandage around his left thigh]
House: Sorry. Just checking the stitches on my penis.
[After House has crashed his car into Cuddy's dining room]
House [to Wilson]: You're right. I feel much better.

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Twenty Vicodin (8.1)

House: It's the greatest mystery there is: the theory of everything.
Dr. Adams: And completely divorced from humanity.
House: Well, me and humanity, we got together too young.
House: This another pet? Cause it's going to end badly. Again. Remember we talked about this. At least I talked, and you stared at me eerily. I think it was eerily. "Eerily" felt like the best-case scenario.
Mendelson (to House): Why you keep helping him out?
House: Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?
House: I'm trying to listen to your lungs, not your self-pity.
House (to Dr. Adams): That look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates too. This is America.
House: Belief implies a level of giving a crap I am never going to achieve.

[edit] Transplant (8.2)

House: Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming, but with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death. Where's my patient? We need to not talk.
Foreman (to House): Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.
House: Yassa, massa.
Foreman: See, that would be an example.
House (to Dr. Park): Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me, and yours what? Called you his china doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed that you had a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.
Dr. Park: My mom's Filipino, dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind.
House: Behind what? Oh, yeah, your... grabbed your tushy.
Mr. Weathers: I told you, my son didn't do cocaine.
House: Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one. (Pops Vicodin)
House: Running away from home is a time-honored tradition. But you're not doing it to flee your parents, you're doing it to protect them. That's an insult to everything teen prostitutes have worked for.
Dr. Park (to House): I told you I'm Korean and Filipino.
House: And I told you I wasn't listening. By my actions.
Dr. Park (to House): Why aren't you more alarmed? We're running out of time.
House: Ahhhh, she's dying! Were you able to figure out what was wrong while I was screaming?
Dr. Park (to House): Did you use metaphors for your old team? Or do you just think I'm particularly stupid?
House: No, they were stupid too.
House: But just do whatever you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts. Either or. Both seems excessive.

[edit] Charity Case (8.3)

Dr. Adams (to House): You said we were meeting for coffee.
House: Well, when someone asks you if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait, did you think I was referring to sex? (to Dr. Park) Would you shut the blinds on the way out?
House (to Dr. Adams): In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you isn't volunteering all over town. Ladling kittens, spaying soup.
Dr. Adams: There is a free clinic in Trenton.
House: Well, think of it as today's free clinic, only with fewer bums with herpes.
Foreman: House, I worked for you for 7 years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them...
House: And I was your boss for 7 years, and I know what a suspicious, micromanaging hardass you are.
House (to Thirteen): I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.
Thirteen: House...
House: I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who've got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. but I can't work with someone whose here so she doesn't have to feel bad.
Thirteen: You're trying to save me.
House: Yes. I think that little of you and that much of me.
House: You know, the down vibe in here is totally ruining my Charlie's Angels fantasy.
House: Racing heart, medical condition. Bleeding heart, stupid condition.

[edit] Risky Business (8.4)

House: Oh, you guys are going to love doctors Chase and Taub. Keep your Nazi sentiments quiet around the little one.
House: Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid.
Park: First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream, too?
House: French vanilla, yeah.
Adams: I could do $5,000.
House: Really? No backsies?
Adams: If.... you double your clinic hours. 6 a week. I've seen how you disrespect those patients.
House: So you want twice as many of them disrespected?
Adams: Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more humanely.
House: And this time a land war in Russia will be a good idea.
Adams: Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys?
House: I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself.

[edit] The Confession (8.5)

Chase: If people told nothing but the truth, the world would probably burn down overnight.
Adams: Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if everybody didn't lie...
House: Aw, that is cute. I'm talking about your breasts. They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth... I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew, you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one: you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth.
Chase: We still get to do crazy crap?
Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses?
Foreman: As the new dean of medicine, I'd like to personally welcome all of our new employees and ask, why the hell do you want to come back?
House: Chase and Taub are back!
Wilson: You want me to pick up an ice cream cake?
House: Oh, my God. Two prodigal sons. Come on. Let's hug it out.
Park (to House): I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you.
House: Would it hurt to do both?
Wilson: If you ever hear me mention anything about wanting kids, please feel free to punch me in the liver.
House: I'm an ex-con, trying to adjust to a world that's passed me by. Stealing's all I know… that and the fact that I was right about what's wrong with our patient. Just wrong about what?
Chase: It's 3:30 in the morning. Why are you still here?
Foreman: House is here and apparently prepping for an operation that will probably kill a patient.
Chase: I wouldn't be doing this if I thought there was another way.
Park: I never heard of a neurological problem that causes someone's skin to fall off.
House: Because there isn't one. The aneurysm is just another symptom. It's not the cause. You add them all together, we get… [He waits, but the team doesn’t answer.] We get Kaw… Kawas… Kawas… [exasperated] It's Kawasaki's Disease. It's autoimmune.
Taub: Yes, we knew what "kawah" meant. We just figured since it basically presents only in Asian children.

[edit] Parents (8.6)

House: Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.
Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?
House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. I guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.
Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you.
House: Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.
House: Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague who's just sent me an imaginary page. Imagine how sorry I am.
Park: House has a point. A couple nights a week with each kid may make you feel better. Doesn't replace two 'round-the-clock parents.
Chase: 'Round-the-clock or not, parenting's an impossible job. No way not to mess it up. Why shouldn't Taub be the one to do it?
Taub: Thank you?
House: Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she has to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad and alcoholic mom were so indifferent, he has to believe it's a wash. (looking at Adams) Your turn. What did your screwed-up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?
Adams: They were good parents.
House: That's an oxymoron. Chase is right. All parents screw up all children. He's also dreamy, but it's not relevant now.
House: Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared.
Monroe (to House): I need insulin. I know it.
House: Much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder violates my parole.
Monroe: (pointing to the printout of his test results) That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again.
House: I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave.
Chase (to Adams): You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang on the door before you give up, find something to read. We all have family dysfunction. That's why we're successful. To fill that hole.
Chase (to Adams): You claim you're not screwed up. You may even believe it. But House doesn't and I don't, so you can wait till he camps out on your parents' lawn or you can admit you don't live on some higher plane and thank me later.
Foreman (to Wilson): Your job is to be his friend, to stay here and sit with him and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.

[edit] Dead & Buried (8.7)

House: Death is a consequence, not a symptom.
House (to Wilson): You're right.
Dr. Wilson: You don't even know what I said.
House: That is ridiculous. Blah blah blah blah blah deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Absolutely essential information.
Dr. Wilson: Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail because she didn't try to control House, she managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be

[edit] Perils of Paranoia (8.8)

Adams: Am I weird?
Chase: Yeah, but you're hot so it's easier to put up with.
Taub: If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages: run.
Chase: Back home, I keep a few for hunting 'roos.
Adams: You hunt kangaroos? But they're so cute.
Chase: They're also delicious.
Adams: You're screwing with me.
Chase: Totally.
Dr. Wilson (to House): You like anything dangerous: monster trucks, motorcycles, fireworks
House: Everyone loves fireworks.
Dr. Wilson: Watching them, not making them.
Park (to Taub): So what do you think: is the patient paranoid or am I?
Taub: I don't think that stockpiling weapons is the most reasoned response, but, given what I've seen at Bloomingdale's on Black Friday, I wouldn't say it rises to the level of mental illness.
Park: And me?
Taub: Again, given what I've seen at Bloomingdale's.
Taub: Impressive.
House: The wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?
Taub: The fact that you managed to smear jelly on almost every page.
Adams (to House): Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?
House: Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want Daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it.
Taub: Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.
House: You're right. Kids might be precocious.

[edit] Better Half (8.9)

House: Better to have shtupped and lost than to not have shtupped at all.
Chase: Taub's daughter is sick.
House: Isn't that the point of having a spare?
Dr. Wilson: Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
House: How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?
Dr. Wilson: No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.
Adams: Thirty?
Park: Everybody lies.
Adams: Higher or lower?
Adams: Sex releases oxytocin. it's the neurochemical basis for bonding.
House: And that's why men always marry their right hands.
Adams: It's different for girls.
Park: No it 's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and I've never wanted to see most of them again.(everyone stares) I live next to a Jewish frat.
House: We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.
Chase (about House): You're letting him get inside your head. He could do a lot of damage in there.
Dr. Wilson: You know that one percent of the population identifies as asexual?
House: We really gotta get you laid. If I have to plow that furrow myself, so be it.
Dr. Wilson: I have a patient who's asexual.
House: Is she a giant pool of algae?
Adams: [reading a card from House] Cuddy Dark will waste his afternoon chasing conspiracy theories.

[edit] Runaways (8.10)

House (to Fake Dad): How long has your daughter had trouble breathing?
Fake Dad: About a week now.
House: The best dads wait 2 or more.
Callie: Yeah, no, it's not like it's serious. I checked online and it's asthma or something.
House: "Or something" is the number one killer of teens without a medical degree.
House: How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man.
Dr. Wilson: Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.
House: No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing.
House: That was to show Adams that Mommie Dearest hadn't changed
Ellen: You must be Dr. House.
House: I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid.
House: As much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it.
Taub: [To Foreman] An affair? I never knew you were such a tramp.
House: I'd turn around and shoot you, but apparently I'd miss.
Adams: Do you think people can change?
Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.

[edit] Nobody's Fault (8.11)

[edit] Chase (8.12)

[edit] External links

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