Sam & Cat

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Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcome that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon. It is a crossover spin-off/sequel of both iCarly and Victorious.

Season 1[edit]


Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?!
Sam: Yep.
Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!
Sam: I already found you a roommate!
Cat: (Throws her money on the couch) Shut up, who is she?!
Sam: Me!
Cat: Oh my god! (Runs and hugs Sam) This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.
Sam: Isn't it.

Taco Truck Owner: Hey! aren't you Sam from iCarly?
Sam: Are you a cop?
Taco Truck Owner: No.
Sam: Yeah I'm Sam.

Cat: What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?

Sam: If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?

Dice: You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.
Sam: Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.
Cat: She is Sam.
Dice: Woah, you're awesome!
Sam: Yeah.

(Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam)
Sam: Uh, what are you doing?
Cat: I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.
Sam: I'm not gonna get scare- Oh, whatever.
Cat: So, how long you going to be in L.A.?
Sam: Uh.. I don't know.
Cat: Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?
Sam: Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.

Little girl: Can you take Darby? He's heavy! (The girl hands the baby to Cat)
Cat: No you guys I gotta go! Here. (Cat hands the baby to Sam)
Sam: Woah, I don't want this beast! (Sam places the baby in a flower pot) Oh yeah, pretty flowers.

Nona: (whilst inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids) Aaaaaaaaah!
Cat: Nona!
Sam: Nice sack.

Sam: What happened to you?
Nona: Those little demons happened to me!

Dice: And guess what I got today?
Cat: Oooh, is it something?

Dice: I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry. I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber-
Cat: How much for the Bieber?!
Dice: $30
Cat: I'll take it!

Sam: Hey! Don't pick up that trash can! There's a girl in there!
Cat: Oh my god! (Cat gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck!

Sam: C'mon, elderly's love living with other elderly's! They eat dinner at 4 o'clock and talk about pills.

(Cat pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed)
Cat: That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.

Cat: Oh, please! You saved me from being squished in garbage! Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!

Dice: (Whilst walking out the front door) Save your snot!
Sam: You're a weird kid!

Sam: You got another robe I could wear? You know one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.

Cat: (Loudly into a megaphone) I'm stopping my vehicle!

Cat: Hi! what's wrong?
Young boy: We can't find our cat.
Cat: Shut up, my name is Cat!
Young boy: Can you help us find our cat?

Sam: How much Bieber did you sniff?!

Sam: And why is there a battery in my burrito?

Sam: Let's see. You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20. (Sam gives Cat $20)
Cat: Oooo, thank you!

Cat: We have to give him C-3PO!
Sam: CPR?
Cat: Ok we'll try that first!

Cat Where's my Nona?!

Cat: Is it ok if she stays here with us tonight?
Nona: Hmmm.. Sure. I assume you don't have a prison record. (Laughs with Cat)
Sam: Yeah... You assume that.

Cat: Who's gonna make me soup?
Nona: You can learn.
Cat: I can?
Nona: Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl and put it in the microwave.
Cat: Wait, slow down...

Cat: You left the baby in the bush!
Sam: I'm getting the baby!

Cat: Bye! (Cat's gum falls out of her mouth and into the trash can) Dang it! My gum fell out of my mouth!

Cat: I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!

Sam: How was school?
Cat: Learn-y.

Cat: Oh my gosh, that was so much fun!
Sam: Not so much for this guy. (Sam picks up a dead rat and throws it away)

Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.
Cat: I can't help it! He smells so TALENTED!

(Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle)
Sam: Don't tickle me.
(Cat stops and then puts her fingers in Sam's ears)
Sam: Take your fingers out of my ears.
(Cats takes them out and then starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands)
Sam: This is gonna be a long ride.


Cat: Our first real customer! Now we're professional babysitters! Shh! Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.
Sam: He's 3 feet away.
(Cat turns around and the customer waves at her)

Cat: Woop woop woop! Shh! Be cool!
Sam: I'll try to control myself.

Sam: Try to escape, eh? Well, now you go in the hole, see? (Eats the bone rib)

Sam Ok, Math. Let's see. (Looks at the TV) Channel 2 plus channel 5 equals channel 7.

Sam: That show was a big hit! What kind of TV network cancels a big hit?!
Cat: It's insane! They're not even gonna do a big final episode!
Sam: WHAT?!

Little boy: Can someone read me a story?
Cat: No.
Little boy: Is toothpaste a vegetable?
Sam: No.
Little boy: Can I jump off the roof?
Sam & Cat: Yes.

Sam: Look, on TV shows they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.
Cat: Oh! That's so clever.

(Door bell goes "Ding Dong")
Cat: Ding dong.
Sam: Why'd you do that?
Cat: Do what?

Dice: Aww, you're sweet.
Sam: (She takes off Dice's hat and pulls him in towards her by his shirt) Never call me sweet.

Sam: You know what you need?
Cat: My own unicorn?


Ruby: Wait!
Nona: Yes?
Gwen: We want to buy that card.
Cat: But I'm buying it. Here's my $5.
Gwen: I'll give you $10 for that card.
Cat: I'll pay you $50 for that card.
Gwen: $100!
Cat: $200!
Nona: (Brings her hand up to her heart) Ugh, my pace maker!
Gwen: Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!
(Everybody in the room gasps)
Nona: I'm sorry but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.
Cat: But.. But... But...
Ruby: Yes!
(The two girls walk off), then they turn round and blow raspberries at Cat)

Sam: The next number is... G41.
(Everyone aww's)
Gwen: Yes! Look Ruby, we got another one!
Ruby: We should go to Vegas!
Sam: Ok, the next number is... (sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls) Ahh, there's a scratch on this number, I should probably just throw this one in the trash-
Gwen: Just say the number!
Ruby: Get on with it!
Sam: ...B7.
Gwen & Ruby: BINGO!!!
(Everyone else aww's)
Gwen: We just won a giant television machine!
Ruby: Wooo!
(Policemen come in whistling)
Cop: Ok, this is a raid.
(Everyone gasps)
Nona: We are being raided?
Cop: This is an illegal bingo game.
Sam: Since when is bingo illegal?
Cop: When you're giving away a prize worth over $2000.
Sam: Cat! You're running an illegal bingo game!
Cat: But it was Nona's idea!
Nona: I don't even know these girls!

Cat: That snack.. That snack she's eating! Is she eating... (Cat grabs the little girl eating bibble and smells her breath)
Ruby: Bibble!
(Cat lets go and walks backwards whilst screaming)
Gwen: You want some?
Cat: No! Yes! I mean, how much bibble do you have?!
Gwene: We brought a BIG tin jug of it...
Ruby: ...from England.
(Cat screams whilst picking up and hugging both of the little girls)

Cat: I'm baaaaaack!! (Cat runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen) I got bibble! I got bibble!! I'm back and I got bibble!! Woooooooo!!
Dice: Did you get my money back?
Cat: Yes! At first.
Sam: And then what?
Cat: And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I BOUGHT! Where's my spife? (Cat looks and finds her spife) There's my spife! (Cat starts to open the jug of bibble)
Sam: Wait, how much did you spend on that can?
Cat: The can was free I just paid for the bibble inside.
Dice: How much?
Cat: $500! Plus my bike! (Cat points at Dice) Don't judge me. (Cat carries on opening the bibble)
Sam: You gave those little Brit Brats all Dice's money?!
Cat: And my bike! Everybody clear? Everybody up to speed? I hope so cause I gotta eat me some bibble! (Cat opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs)
Cat: Cotton swabs?!

Cat: I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.

Cat: So what do you guys wanna do?
Gwen: Oh anything would be lovely.
Ruby: Lovely.
Cat: We could make some tea.
Sam: You could do our laundry.
Cat: We could play games.
Sam: You could rub my feet.


Cat: Is that my toothbrush?
Sam: Would I have a toothbrush that did this?
(Music starts playing from the toothbrush and Cat starts dancing.)

Sam: Here, pick a channel. Nothing educational.
(The goat changes the TV channel.)
(Sam opens the entrance door.)
Sam: Yeah?
Dilben: Let me in.
Sam: Why?
Dilben: Thank you.
(Dilben watches a goat in the sofa.)
Dilben: Ahoy! I knew I smelled an animal.
Sam: Ahoy?
Dilben: You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.
Sam: Why are you wearing a cape?
Dilben: Because I am.
Sam: Are you a magician?
Dilben: No.
Sam: Superhero?
Dilben: No. I wear a cape because I like capes.
Sam: Weirdos like capes.
(Dilben shows the printed papers.)
Dilben: See this here?
Sam: No.
Dilben: This paper.
Sam: Did something poop on your forehead?
Dilben: I command you to listen to me!
(Sam put two donuts on her ears.)
Dilben: This says... "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs. No other animals allowed".
Sam: Are caped weirdos allowed?
Dilben: You're new to this building, aren't you?
Sam: Kinda.
Dilben: Well, I happen to be a big deal around here. And you have one day to get rid of that goat.
Sam: That's not a goat.
Dilben: Is too.
Sam: It's a cat.
Dilben: That's a lie.
Sam: It's a small dog.
Dilben: Another lie!
Sam: So you have no friends?
Dilben: Irrelevant! Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.
Sam: I'm not signing anything.
Dilben: You will sign it! Or I won't leave.
(The next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam.)
Dilben: How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!
Sam: Thanks for stopping by.
Dilben: You give me back my cape!
Sam: No.
Dilben: Why not?!
Sam: Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.
(Sam closes the door and Dilben leaves.)
Dilben: Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.

(Someone knocks the door twice.)
Cat: Come in, Dice.
Dilben: I'm not Dice. I'm...
Sam: Get out.
Cat: No. Um, hi, Dilben! Come in. Would you like a muffin?
Dilben: I spit on your muffins.
Cat: You should try butter.
Dilben: Your goat is still here.
Sam: It's not our goat.
Cat: We're just babysitting him.
Dilben: Yeah right.
Sam: Hey, you got another cape.
Dilben: I wanna speak to your grandmother.
Cat: My Nona?
Dilben: Get her.
Sam: She doesn't live here anymore.
Dilben: Whaaaaaat?
Cat: She moved to Elderly Acres.
Sam: Yup.
Dilben: Interesting. And who else lives here with you two?
Cat: Nobody.
Dilben: Delicious.
Sam: What are you yammin' about?
Dilben: Building rules! All apartments must have at least one adult resident. And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat! My father has two reasons to throw you out!
(Dilben tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him.)
Sam: Dilben.
Dilben: Yeeeeees.
Sam: Before you go...
(The next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam, once again.)
Sam: Enjoy your Saturday.
Dilben: I still have one more cape!
Sam: Suck a truck.
(Sam closes the door and Dilben leaves.)
Dilben: I will not suck a truck! Or enjoy my Saturday!
(Sam opens the door.)
Sam: Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!
(Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back.)
Sam: Whoops!
(Sam closes the door, Dilben fails and leaves.)

Nona: Call Dr. Stanky.
Cat: Dr. Stanky!
Sam: Use your phone.

Cat: Boys, boys, boys! Fighting is never the answer! Now let's try using our words.

Cat: You know what they say, "Easy like a goat".
Sam: Who says that?
Cat: The goat keepers?

Cat: Ding dong.
Sam: Ugh! That's Dilben.
Cat: Okay Goomer, are you ready?
Goomer: Yep. I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.
Cat: No! You're our Uncle and you live here!
Goomer: Uncle Fudge.
Sam and Cat: No!
(Cat opens the entrance door.)
Cat: Hi, Dilben. This must be your dad.
Dilben's father: May we come in?
Cat: Well, sure.
Sam: Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.
Dice: I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!
Sam: Shower with the goat!
Dice: Oh!
Sam: Bleh!
(Dice runs to the bathroom.)
Dilben's father: So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.
Sam: Not anymore.
Cat: No more goat.
Dilben: They had a goat.
Sam: Well, now we don't.
Cat: Sam!
Dilben: And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.
Sam: By ourselves?
Cat: Uncle Goomer?
(Goomer doesn't want to respond because he wants to be called "Uncle Fudge".)
Sam: Uncle Fudge?
Goomer: Oh hi. I'm their Uncle, and I live here.
Cat: With us.
Goomer: With them.
Sam: And he's twenty-seven.
Cat: Yup, wanna see his I.D.?
Sam: They don't need to see his I.D.
Dilben's father: I would like to see his I.D.
Goomer: Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
Sam: You don't need to show them your I.D.
Goomer: Here it is.
(The goat bleats and runs to the room and Dice runs after it.)
Dice: Murf! Come back here!
Dilben: Ahoy!
Dilben's father: That's a goat!
Sam: Well, thanks for swinging by.
Dilben's father: Now this says you live in Van Nuys.
Goomer: Well... I'm so ashamed.
Dilben: Ha! You girls are outta here.
Cat: But this is our home!
Sam: Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.
(An unknown man enters the door.)
Unknown man: Dilben? Are you in here? Dilben!
Dilben: Uh, what?! I've never seen that man before in my life, go away, dad! Uh... stranger.
Sam: Who are you?
Unknown man: Dilben's father.
Dilben: No!
Cat: Well, then who's this man?
Dilben's fake father: All right then. I can clear this up.
(Dilben's fake father runs out the house, scared.)
Sam: What is going on?
Cat: This is getting kinda weird.
Goomer: I'm Uncle Fudge.
Sam: Shut up.
Dilben's true father: Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?
Cat: Uh-huh.
Sam: Yeah.
Dilben's true father: Well, I don't.
Sam: You're really his father?
Dilben's true father: That's right. He's embarrassed of me because of my job.
Cat: What's your job?
Dilben's true father: I sell...
Dilben: Don't say it!
Dilben's true father: I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.
Dilben: Oh, no! Aaaaaahh!
(Dilben sits on the sofa, embarrassed.)
Sam: Yowza.
Cat: Why is it such a big deal?
Dilben: You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!
Dilben's true father: You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!
Dilben: They're fashionable!
Sam: Okay, ho ho hold on. So... You're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?
Dilben's true father: He certainly is.
Cat: And you just sell wide shoes?
Dilben's true father: To wide-footed women, yes.
Sam: Well, since neither of you have any power over us...
(The next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam.)
Sam: Bye!
(Sam closes the door.)
Cat: Murf sneezed on Goomer.
Goomer: Bad dog.


Cat: She's always texting me about wazzing.
Sam: Sometimes while I'm wazzing.


Girl: Ariana, will you take our picture?
Ariana: Uh... sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?
Girl: No. oh, no. We want a picture with Maree.
Jennette: Maree.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about:
Cat:Do you guys hear that?
Sam:The drone!

(run to door)

Cat:I don't see it!
Sam:Me neither
Dice:Maybe it's coming from the other way

(run to back door)

Cat:Oh,I see it!
Sam:That's the moon!
Cat:Dang it!
Nona:Over there!
Sam:There it is!
Dice:It's so cool
Sam:Man,it's coming pretty fast
Cat:Real fast
Nona:Where is it gonna land?

(drone smashes through window)

Cat:It's here!
Sam:Beef stick
Cat:Enormous man's underpants
Drone:Thank you for shopping at
Dice:How great is technology?