SpongeBob SquarePants

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SpongeBob SquarePants is an American animated television series created by marine biologist and animator, Stephen Hillenburg. SpongeBob SquarePants is Nickelodeon's most popular cartoon show to date. The episodes in this section are listed according to list of Spongebob episodes

Contents

[edit] Season One

===Help Wanted [1.1a]=== hi abbie

French Narrator: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. So... wet! Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life. Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly! [SpongeBob's alarm BBB EEEE PPSS and, he turns it off]
SpongeBob: Today's the big day, Gary!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [Jumps on a diving board] Look at me, I'm... [Jumps up, and leaves his underwear behind]naked! [Lands inside pants] Got to be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [Breathes hard and, struggling, lifts a weight] I'M READY! [Runs outside] I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready. [Patrick's rock lifts upwards]
Patrick: Go SpongeBob! [Patrick falls]
SpongeBob: *I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready-eady-eady-eady-eady-eady.. Ready!
SpongeBob: [Runs down the street to the Krusty Krab] There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab - home of the Krabby Patty. With a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight up to the manager, look 'im straight in the eye, lay it on the line and... I can't do this! [He starts to run home but Patrick stops him] Patrick!
Patrick: Where do ya think you're going?
SpongeBob: I was just...
Patrick: No you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab to get that job!
SpongeBob: But I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Patrick: Whose first words were "may I take your order"?
SpongeBob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
SpongeBob: I did.
Patrick: Who's a, uh... who's a big yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'M READY!
SpongeBob: Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go self! Go self!
Spongebob: [In bold voice] I've waited years to join the Krusty Krew! [In normal voice] And now I'm ready!
Mr. Krabs: [Sniffs the air] Do you smell that? That smell... a kind of smelly smell... a smelly smell that smells... smelly. (With a look of stunned realization) Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: ANCHOVIES!
Squidward: ONE SINGLE-FILE LINE IS ALL I ASK!
Mr. Krabs: [As the anchovies swarm the Krusty Krab] Battin' down the hatches, Mr. Squidward!

[boat-shaped front-desk bobs on the waves created by the sea of anchovies]

We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward!

[desk bobs again]

I want my daddy Dr. Squidward!

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew!
Squidward: What would you like, Patrick?
Patrick: One Krabby Patty, please. [SpongeBob zooms into the kitchen, making hundreds of patties and shooting them out the door. Patrick screams as he is shot out of the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Come see your new employee!

[edit] Reef Blower [1.1b]

SpongeBob: You! (Only line in the episode, but in subtitles)

[edit] Tea at the Treedome [1.1c]

SpongeBob: [Poses on top of the giant clam] You have fought well, giant clam. Prepare to be vanquished!
SpongeBob: Hai! [tries to pry open the clam and it's working, everything stops.] Hey, I'm actually doing it. [SpongeBob continues, Sandy finishes prying the clam open from inside it and Spongebob goes flying.]
SpongeBob: Your shell is mine!
Sandy: [Serving Spongebob and Patrick Texas tea] I hope y'all like your tea strong. Drink up!
SpongeBob: Patrick, what is air?
Patrick: Wha?
SpongeBob: I just met this girl! She wears a hat full of... air!
Patrick: Do you mean she puts on "airs"?
SpongeBob: I guess so.
Patrick: That's just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy just hold your pinky in the air like this! The higher you hold it, the fancier you are!
Patrick: Remember: when in doubt, pinky out!
[SpongeBob is suffocating from air and staring at a vase of water.]
SpongeBob: I don't need water, water's for quitters!
SpongeBob: (at his mind) I don't need it! I don't need it! I definitely don't need it!
SpongeBob: I NEED IT!
[Patrick from outside reminds him to rise his pinky.]
Patrick: Spongebob, no! [holds his pinky up pointing to it] PINKY! PINKY!
[SpongeBob puts his pinky up, drinks the water and Patrick puts his little finger up.]
SpongeBob: I'm a QUITTER! [runs to the door screaming]
Sandy: I like you SpongeBob. Well we can be tighter than bark on a tree.
Sandy: You're about as ugly as homemade soup.

[edit] Bubblestand [1.2a]

[SpongeBob has opened a little bubble stand outside his house.]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to blow some bubbles? Only twenty-five cents.
Squidward: Oh, right, like I would spend a moment of my time blowing bubbles.
SpongeBob: Uh-huh!
Squidward: Oh, puh-lease. I mean, who in the world would pay to blow a bubble?
[Patrick appears at that moment.]
Patrick: Good morning!
Squidward: Oh, boy...
[SpongeBob blows a bubble in the shape of an elephant, Patrick laughs gleefully.]
Patrick: It's a giraffe!
Squidward: Business is booming.
Spongebob: One bubble wand, dipped and ready to go.
SpongeBob: [To Patrick] Good morning to you, sir. Would you care to blow a bubble?
Patrick: [Thoughtfully] Hmm. How much is it?
SpongeBob: Only a quarter.
Patrick: Sounds reasonable. [Hesitates a moment, then speaks to Spongebob in a rather embarrassed whisper.] Er...I'm going to need to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Patrick. [Hands Patrick a quarter]
Patrick: Ah, one quarter!
[Patrick gives the quarter to Spongebob. Spongebob looks at it a moment, then bites it to make sure it's genuine, then pockets it.]
SpongeBob: Thank you!
Squidward: How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?
Squidward: [Marveling at the one humongous bubble he's just blown] Now that's a bubble!
Squidward: How can you two possibly make all this noise, just by blowing bubbles?
SpongeBob: We're not just blowing bubbles. We're making bubble art!
[After Patrick has unsuccessfully attempted to blow a bubble]
SpongeBob: Could I interest you in some lessons? Only twenty-five cents.
Patrick: [Still out of breath] Uh, very well, then. Hey, Sponge, can I borrow another quarter? [Spongebob gives him another quarter.] Thanks!
Squidward: I rock.
Squidward: That's not art, that's just annoying blowing bubbles, that's the lamest idea I have ever heard.
[SpongeBob is showing Patrick (and later Squidward) the "technique" for blowing the perfect bubble]
Spongebob: [Lifting his foot high into the air behind him] First, go like this. Spin around, stop. Double-take three times: One, two, three. Then--pelvic thrust! [Does the "pelvic thrust"] Whoooo! Whoooo! Stop on your right foot, don't forget it! [Winds himself around] Now it's time to bring it around town, bring it around town! [Bends and contorts himself into various shapes] Then you do this, and that, and this and that, this and that, this and that, and then... [Blows out bubbles in all sorts of interesting designs]

[edit] Ripped Pants [1.2b]

Spongebob: [To a fish roasting marshmallows] Could I borrow a couple of these?
Fish: [With his mouth full] Mm-hmmm. [Crams another marshmallow into his mouth]
[Spongebob is trying to lift "weights" to impress the crowd]
Spongebob: And now, with the addition of two--count 'em--two marshmallows!
[Fish hits a volleyball in the air.]
SpongeBob: I got it! Incoming! [SpongeBob tries to catch it, but it just hits his hand and slides down.]
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: [reaches down to get volleyball] Whoops ... I guess I ripped my pants again!
SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
Sandy: Okay, here it comes! [Throws frisbee, which knocks SpongeBob out.]
SpongeBob: I could use a hand here!
Sandy: [runs over to SpongeBob]:SpongeBob: I guess so... except I ripped my pants!
Lou: May I help you?
SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.
Lou: Uh, we don't have that.
SpongeBob: That's okay, I already split my pants! Get it?
Lou: [sarcastically] Tee hee. Anything else?
SpongeBob: How about... ripple?! [shows the rip in his pants] No thanks, I already got one!
SpongeBob: Is that a burger you're eating?
Customer: Why, yes it is.
SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?
Customer: No, what?
SpongeBob: Ripped... pants! [shows the rip in his pants and runs around store]
SpongeBob: [to various customers] Ripped Pants a la mode! [rips pants]
SpongeBob: Delivery!
[The chef looks at SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Did you order twenty cases of... ripped pants?! [He shows the rip in his pants through a cardboard box.]
Perch Perkins: And there's SpongeBob, ripping his... pants again. [A wave swallows SpongeBob and is washed ashore.]
Lifeguard: Hey look, a cardboard box washed up on the beach! Holy fishpaste, It's a guy! [He runs to SpongeBob and turns him over.]
Lifeguard: Why! Why! Why!
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [to Lifeguard] Come closer. I need...I need...
Lifeguard: [tearfully] What do you need?
SpongeBob: A tailor... because I ripped my pants!
Sandy: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick!
SpongeBob: [comes out of tent] Not ripped pants...[pulls off pants] pants ripped off! Ah? Ah? Someone call the police, there's a pant thief on the loose! [realizes that the crowd is on the other side off the beach] Oh no! Everybody's gone, even Sandy! She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh no, no, no, no. We blew it, pants!
Pants: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
[Lyrics to the song "Ripped Pants"]
SpongeBob: [Spoken] I thought that I had everybody on my side
But I went and blew it all sky-high
And now she won't even spare a passing glance
All just because I ripped my pants


Band Members: [Singing] When Big Larry came 'round just to put him down
SpongeBob turned into a clown
And no girl ever wants to dance
With a fool who went and ripped his pants


SpongeBob: [Singing in a beautiful, heart-stopping voice]
I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse
But the pain feels so much worse
'Cause windin' up with no one is a lot less fun
Than a burn from the sun


Band Members: [Singing] Or sand in your buns


SpongeBob: [Singing] Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget
So listen and you won't regret
Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance


All: [Singing] And you won't end up like the fool who ripped his pants

[edit] Jellyfishing [1.3a]

Squidward: I can't think of anything I'd love to do more on my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick: Patrick.
Squidward: Right...but I can't. Bye-bye.
[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]
SpongeBob: Welcome home, Squidward!
Patrick: Merry Christmas!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to think of ways to make Squidward's day the "best day ever".]
Patrick: How about some soup on your best day ever?
[Squidward scowls at his bowl of soup, in which the letters spell "BEST DAY EVER". Patrick picks up a spoon.]
Patrick: Here we go!
[Patrick scoops up a spoonful of soup and offers it to Squidward, who refuses.]
Patrick: Oh, it's a little hot.
[He blows a little too hard on the soup, and the soup ends up flying into Squidward's bandaged face. Realizing that the spoon is empty, Patrick scoops up more soup and inadvertently blows it into Squidward's face again. This continues until finally Spongebob takes the bowl away.]
SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day after. [Motioning towards Squidward's prized clarinet] How about some music on your best day ever, played on your very own clarinet?
[SpongeBob takes Squidward's clarinet and blows hard, only to produce a horrible, ear-splitting noise.]
SpongeBob: Sorry. My lips are a little dry.
[He spends the next few moments licking his lips, until they are completely wet with his saliva--perhaps a little too wet. Just as SpongeBob is about to have another go on the clarinet, Patrick snatches the clarinet away.]
Patrick: Music isn't best, either.
Spongebob: [To Squidward] But what is best is what we saved for last, the one sure-fire thing to make your best day ever the best day ever.
[SpongeBob and Patrick take Squidward jellyfishing in Jellyfish Fields.]
Patrick: Firmly grasp it in your hand. (Squidward drops jellyfishing net) Firmly grasp it. (Squidward drops jellyfishing net) FIRMLY GRASP IT! (Patrick forces the jellyfishing net through the cast and onto Squidward's hand who screams muffled)

[edit] Plankton! [1.3b]

SpongeBob: [Speaking to Squidward with a bad French accent] Oui, oui, one Krabby-Patty monsieur.
Plankton: Hey, let me go!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll let you go squirt. on a flying saucer!
Spongebob: Plankton, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, he's been trying to steal me secret formula for years. [Shouting tosecret formula Plankton] But you haven't got it yet, have ye, bug?
Plankton: Any last words, SpongeBob Secret-pants?
SpongeBob: [Realizing it's no use to fight] I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. [Tears fill his eyes and leak down his face] But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty...with your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steaming goodness.
Plankton: [Enticed] Steaming?
SpongeBob: [Very sadly] I'll never forget your one-hundred-percent all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, and onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed sea buns.
Plankton: [Drooling] Yes. [Shouting] Yes, YES! [Dives out of SpongeBob's head with a fork and knife] Come to Papa! [Bounces off the top bun and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy.
Karen: Seaweed: 50% Sea, 50% Weed.
Plankton: This will be the beginning of the end.
[While Spongebob is walking home]
SpongeBob: Plankton? What are you doing here?
Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?
SpongeBob: Um...no.
Plankton: Acquaintances?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: [Thinks a moment] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?
SpongeBob: I...guess so.
Plankton: You see? Everything works out.
[After Plankton has hijacked Spongebob's brain]
Plankton: [To Squidward, through SpongeBob] Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet-player!
Squidward: [Stunned] Mediocre?
Plankton: You pretentious little insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.
[After Spongebob finds out that Plankton has taken control of his brain]
SpongeBob: Get out of my head! Leave my brain alone!
Plankton: [Through SpongeBob] Never! NEVER! [Laughs maniacally, Squidward keels over in a dead faint]
[Upon entering the deserted Chum Bucket]
Spongebob: There's no one here.
Plankton: Don't remind me.
Plankton: Brace yourself, Spongebob. This is my lab! [A labrador retriever barks] And this is my laboratory! And did I ever show you my record player?
[Upon analyzing Plankton]
Karen: Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas.
Plankton:[Looking at a map of Spongebob's brain] It's around here somewhere, but where? Where!? [Looks down and realizes he is already standing on Spongebob's brain] Oh.
Plankton: You can't do this to me, I WENT TO COLLEGE!

[edit] Naughty Nautical Neighbors [1.4a]

[Squidward is admiring his latest cuisine creation: a souffle island with a tiny Squidward figure set on the top.]
Squidward: Wow! Squidward, this is the best souffle you have ever created!
[Spongebob and Patrick are playing a game in which they whisper messages to each other using bubbles. Spongebob dips his bubble wand into his bottle of bubble mix, thinks a moment, then whispers a message into his bubble. The bubble floats to Patrick and pops, and Spongebob's message is revealed.]
Spongebob: Hi, Patrick.
[Patrick giggles, then dips his own wand into his own bottle, then shoves the wand into his mouth and takes it out before dipping it into his bottle again and whispering his own message to Spongebob. The bubble floats to Spongebob and pops, revealing Patrick's message.]
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob.
[Spongebob laughs, much to Squidward's annoyance.]
Squidward: [To Spongebob] If I had a dollar for every brain that you don't have, I'd have one dollar!
[Patrick is trying to assist Squidward, who is choking and unable to breathe.]
Patrick: I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. [Short pause] Oh, well.
Spongebob: [Into his bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
[Squidward whispers a message into his own bubble, and the bubble replaces Spongebob's bubble and floats on to Patrick.]
Squidward: Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.
Patrick: [Shouting] And that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
Spongebob: Well, so are you!
Patrick: You're a turkey!
Spongebob: What's that?
Patrick: It's what you are!
Spongebob: Well, you're a bigger one!
[Squidward has accidentally swallowed his fork, and now his windpipe is blocked.]
Patrick: Wow! Squidward, you're choking!
Patrick: I win!
Squidward: Congratulations, chef!
Squidward: What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?
[Squidward is about to practice his clarinet in front of Patrick.]
Patrick: [Claps hands] Yeah, E minor! All right!
[But the second Squidward starts to play, Patrick falls fast asleep.]
Spongebob: [Singing] Squidward is my best friend in the world. Squidward is my best friend in the sea. Squidward...
Patrick: [Cutting in] ...likes Patrick more than Spongebob.
Squidward: Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together, and out of my hair!
Spongebob: Hey, guess what, Squidward?
Patrick: Me and Spongebob are friends again!
Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else.

[edit] Boating School [1.4b]

[at the beginning of Spongebob's 38th boating test]
Mrs.Puff: First we must....
Spongebob: First I must pass the oral exam! I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.
Mrs. Puff: I know.
[at the beginning of Spongebob's 39th boating test]
Patrick: [through radio] Pat to Sponge. Pat to Sponge. Testing, testing. Testing, testing, testing, testing... TESTING! [yells] TEST! TEST! DO YOU READ?!
Spongebob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.
Patrick: Got your apple ready? [Spongebob takes out apple] Lucky undergarments? [Adjusting telescope] Hold on, hold on. [sees Spongebob wearing underpants that say "LUCKY"] Bingo! Underwear, Apple, and Me! You're ready to get that license!
[near the end of the driving test]
SpongeBob: I'm cheating, Mrs. Puff! I'm cheating!
Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob! You can cheat! Cheat that way! [Points towards the finish line.]
SpongeBob: NO! I'm cheating!
SpongeBob: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!
Mrs. Puff: Sigh... I'm not ready.

[edit] Pizza Delivery [1.5a]

Tom: Where's my drink?
Spongebob: What drink?
Tom: My drink? My Diet Dr. Kelp? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!?
SpongeBob: [Leafing through his order pad] But you didn't order any...
Tom: How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?!
Squidward: Let go of the pizza!
SpongeBob: No! It's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
SpongeBob: [Wind stops momentarily, Spongebob gasps] Squidward!
[Squidward puts Spongebob in charge of driving the boat mobile.]
Spongebob: I can't. I'm still in boating school.
Squidward: Come on, Spongebob, it's just around the corner.
Spongebob: [Very nervously] Well...y-yeah...but...
Squidward: Just do what you do in school.
[Spongebob has backed the boat mobile all the way out into the wilderness.]
Spongebob: Backing up! Backing up! Backing up!
[The engine sputters and dies, and the boat mobile slows to a halt. Spongebob is seen clutching the steering wheel, his eyes wide and his pupils fixed.]
Spongebob: Backing up...
Squidward: [Quietly] Well, you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. [Points to the gas gauge, the needle points to EMPTY. Squidward climbs out of the boat mobile.] And you know what else? [Shouting at the top of his voice] WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
[Spongebob tentatively approaches Squidward with the pizza box.]
Spongebob: And you know what else, else? I think the pizza's getting cold.
Squidward: [In mock alarm] AND the pizza's cold?!?!? Oh, the pizza's cold! Not the pizza! [In genuine anger] Oh, how can it get any worse?
[Squidward takes his fury out on the boat mobile by giving it a terrible kick. All at once the needle on the gas gauge points to FULL, and the boatmobile springs to life and zooms away, leaving Spongebob and Squidward all alone in the wilderness.]
SpongeBob: Well, we can still deliver it on foot.
[Spongebob and Squidward are making their way through the wilderness.]
Squidward: Ow, ow, ow...
Spongebob: [Singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me! The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza--
Squidward: [Groaning] And my feet are killing me.
Squidward: Spongebob that's just a stupid boulder!
Spongebob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [Begins weeping] It's a rock. [Spongebob continues sobbing]

[Squidward looks on with disgust]

[Spongebob and Squidward walking in wilderness.]
Spongebob: [Singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza, absolutivally! [Making spitting sounds] The pbbth-pbbb-pbbh pizza pbbbbh-pbbbh pizza, pbb-pbbbh... [Muttering rhythmically] The [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza... [Singing with voice of Otto from The Simpsons]: Krusty Krrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbb pizza is the pizza, yeah-ah-ah, for you and [long, high pitch] MEEEEEEEEE!
[Spongebob and Squidward are totally lost in the wilderness, and are becoming worn out and hungry.]
Squidward: Sponge, we've gotta eat something!
Spongebob: I heard that in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral.
[Squidward grabs a piece of coral and crams it voraciously into his mouth.]
Spongebob: No, wait, it wasn't coral.
[Squidward spits the coral out.]
Spongebob: Maybe it was sand...no, mud...
Squidward: Gimme the pizza!
Spongebob: Wait, I remember! It was coral!
[Squidward wants to eat the pizza.]
Spongebob: No, we can't! We promised, it's for the customer.
[Squidward decides to play a trick on Spongebob.]
Squidward: You're right. It's for the customer.
Spongebob: [Eyeing Squidward suspiciously] Yeah.
Squidward: Maybe we'd better check on it, you know, make sure it's okay.
Spongebob: [Hesitantly] Well...
Squidward: Just a peek.
[Spongebob allows Squidward to open the box a little, then quickly slams the lid shut.]
Spongebob: Okay, it's fine!
Squidward: Wait, I think I saw something.
[Squidward opens the lid completely. The pizza sparkles enticingly.]
Squidward: Oh, no, I was wrong. It looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.
Spongebob: Yeah.
Squidward: What's that? Is that the cheese?
Spongebob: Yeah.
Squidward: And the pepperoni?
Spongebob: [Drooling with hunger] Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, it looks good.
[All at once Spongebob snaps out of it.]
Spongebob: Wait a second! I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! [Shuts the box firmly] I'm not letting you eat the pizza!
Spongebob: [Upon finding a giant rock] Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape.
Squidward: [Shouting] Spongebob! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive -- [Spongebob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground] -- rocks?
[Squidward marches up to Tom's house and bangs on the door.]
Tom: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!
Squidward: Well, this one's on the house!
[He hurls the pizza into Tom's face with all his might, box and all. Later Squidward approaches Spongebob, who is sprawled facedown on the ground in a pool of tears.]
Spongebob: [Looking up tearfully] Did he change his mind?
Squidward: [Smugly] He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.
Squidward: Oh, my aching tentacles.

[edit] Home Sweet Pineapple [1.5b]

Squidward: SpongeBob, is it time already for you to ruin my day?

[edit] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy [1.6a]

SpongeBob: Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low, so you invented a ray gun that made things grow six times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens? But then, the evil Manray swoops down and swipes the gun away and starts shooting all the algae! [Imitates firing a gun]
Mermaid Man: Hurray! I did it! I feel five years younger! Oh, it's good to be back!
Barnacle Boy: [kindly] We did it, ya old coot.
Mermaid Man: Who are you?
Mermaid Man: [to SpongeBob] Listen up you villain, I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife!
[An angry nurse bursts in.]
Nurse: What is going on in here?!
Mermaid Man: You may kiss the bride!
[The Nurse throws SpongeBob out while wedding music plays.]
Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married.
SpongeBob: Ever alert, Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!
SpongeBob: (wearing a woman’s purple dress, speaking in heavy feminine country accent) Oh, my. This purse is so big and heavy.
Patrick: (wearing robber garb) Hold it right there, ma’am. I’ll be taking that! (grabs purse)
SpongeBob: (screams) Help! Help! Somebody help!
(BarnacleBoy stomps over)
SpongeBob: Why, did you come all the way over here to rescue little ol’ me?
Barnacle Boy: PIPE DOWN!
Barnacle Boy: We gotta come out of retirement! There's evil afoot!
Mermaid Man: What... EVIL! Where is it?
Barnacle Boy: (Pointing to SpongeBob and Patrick) There it is!
Mermaid Man: (To Barnacle Boy.) QUIT SHOUTING! I'M NAPPIN'!
Barnacle Boy: IT'S NOT ME, YOU OLD COOT!
Old Person 1: Yes?
Old Person 2: That's me.
Old Person 3: I'm over here!
Mermaid Man: [about SpongeBob] Look! It's the TV repairman!

[edit] Pickles [1.6b]

Squidward: Let me guess, tiny. A small salad?
Bubble Bass: I'll have a double triple Krabby Patty deluxe, on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles, with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease. Make it cry, burn it and let it swim.
Squidward: We serve food here, sir.
Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.
Mr. Krabs: TWO BUCKS?!
Bubble Bass: Your guarantee.
[The camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab's menu and shows in microscopic print "money back guarantee".]

booty

Squidward: Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns.
[Spongebob whips up a dozen Krabby Patties at top speed.]
Spongebob: One dozen cryin' cows on the farm, up!
Squidward: [Flatly] Thanks, Farmer Brown.
Squidward: Its been a thrill serving you
Customer: Do you have any salt?
Squidward: No.
Customer: [hopefully] could you check?
Squidward: No.

customer walks away offended

Spongebob: Wait a minute! [Seizes Bubble Bass' tongue and holds it up for all to see] Look, he's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
Lady: And there's my car keys!
[The angry crowd surrounds Bubble Bass on every side.]
Bubble Bass: [Nervously] And--there's my ride!
[Bubble Bass bolts out of the Krusty Krab pronto.]

[edit] Hall Monitor [1.7a]

Patrick: SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob: Where is he, Patrick?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns to see the street signs "Conch" and "Coral".]
SpongeBob: He's right on top of me, but I can’t see him! What’s he doing?
Patrick: Um, he’s just standing there... menacingly! (screaming over walkie-talkie) GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: AAAAAHHHHH!
Patrick: That’s his maniac screech. He’s going to attack! (SpongeBob is running around in circles crying) He’s acting all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! (SpongeBob does so) No, he's behind that building! Quick, hide behind that street sign! (Sponge does) No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! (Sponge does) No wait, he’s there too! Run for your life! (Sponge does, and jumps inside a mailbox. Relieved, he relaxes. He hears interference on his walkie-talkie, and answers it)
SpongeBob: Say again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac is in the mailbox!
SpongeBob: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Runs around in the mailbox, demolishing some buildings) (A "Wanted Sign" with SpongeBob's picture on it falls in SpongeBob's hands).
SpongeBob: Huh… this guy’s not half-bad-looking for a maniac. …wait a minute, Patrick. I’m the maniac!
Patrick: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mrs. Puff: Just right after I made you hall monitor,you destroyed half the city.
Police: Do you know this guy lady?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, Im the one that gave him the uniform, he's my responsibility. (The cops have mad looks on their faces) Uh-oh!
Mrs. Puff: (On a camera at the boating school) Remember class, red means stop, green means go. And spongebob, I would like to see you after class, 6 months from now!
(As SpongeBob walks down the street before he meets Patrick up on a wall)
SpongeBob: I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol, I'm on patrolllll. (stops as he sees puddle of ice cream on the ground). (gasps) Vandals! Another crime. (scoops up a glob of ice cream with his finger and tastes it). Hmmm...strawberry. I must act! (Is cut short by ice cream falling on his head. Patrick is sitting on the wall eating ice cream). (SpongeBob offscreen) Patrick! (Patrick looks around confused). Patrick! (He then looks at his ice cream). Patrick!
Patrick: My ice cream! It's alive! AAAAHHHHHHH! (Drops ice cream onto SpongeBob's face)
SpongeBob: Patrick, down here!
Patrick: (Looking down) Oh SpongeBob, it's you
SpongeBob: (With ice cream covering his eyes) Patrick, come down here (Patrick jumps down from the wall flattening SpongeBob underneath him)
Patrick: (Looking around) SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:(Muffled under Patrick) I'm down here (Patrick gets off of him and peels him off of the ground)
Patrick: (Laughs) You look funny!

[edit] Sandy's Rocket [1.8a]

Patrick: Pardon my French, but GET THIS THING OFF ME!
SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. How can you be so naive? There's evidence all around us. How do you explain Atlantis? Cowlicks? 99 cent stores? And how about those mysterious circles that show up in Kelp Fields over night? [Circles her, drawing a circle with his shoes, points] DAAH! There's one now!
SpongeBob: Stop, Patrick! Can't you see this is all a trick? The aliens are projecting our memories onto the environment. They're trying to confuse us, Patrick.
Patrick: So you mean to say, that they've taken what we thought we think, and are making us think our thoughts we've been thinking the thoughts we think that we thought... I think?
SpongeBob: Okay, but I'm not going to fall for it! [captures Gary with the net gun]
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: You got him, SpongeBob! Won't Sandy be proud?
SpongeBob: Sandy! I forgot all about her! Ohh, she's gonna hate us for stealing her rocket! But won't she feel silly when I bring her back a real live alien? Ahh, she'll love me! Come on Patrick, the more the merrier! [tosses Gary into the rocket, a ticker clicks to 01, (The Price is Right ding)]
Patrick: ALIEN HUNTING! ALIEN HUNTING!
SpongeBob: Quiet, Patrick. Don't let them know we're on to them. [artificially] Uh, yeah. Alien hunting. I saw that on TV too! Gee Patrick, why don't we drop in on our old pal Squidward and see what he's up to. [To Patrick]. Make sure your gun is pumped. [Patrick pumps his net gun twice and then follows SpongeBob into Squidward's house]
Patrick: (points at Squidward's hot water bottle) Spongebob, what is that thing?
Spongebob: Patrick, do you know what this thing is?
Patrick: Stinky?
Spongebob: No, its an egg sac. Let's look at the embryo(shines a torch on it).
Spongebob and Patrick: Twins!
SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob: Yeah? Well I got you now!
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me, it's (POP) ... me that's got me!

[edit] Squeaky Boots [1.8b]

Mr. Krabs: It's not the boots, it's the boot-ie! Err, umm, the person IN the boots! You're a great fry cook!
SpongeBob: You really think so Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I do, son. (gives SpongeBob money) Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. (gives more money) PLUS, a bonus! (takes bonus back) Well, there's your paycheck anyway! I need a vacation!
Mr. Krabs: (dancing a jig) Pearl's me daughter, she's a whale, and it's her birthday! Arrg Arrgh!
[Squidward storms out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally hitting Mr. Krabs in the face as he bursts through the front doors.]
Squidward: That's it, Mr. Krabs! I'm taking my vacation now!
Mr. Krabs: [With his face pressed against the glass of the door] What's wrong, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: [Sarcastically] I can't take the world's greatest fry cook anymore! I'll see you in a week.
Mr. Krabs: What would you like?
Tom: I'll take a (squeak).
Mr. Krabs: What?
Tom: I said, I'll take a (squeak).
SpongeBob: I heard his order, Mr. Krabs, he said he wants the (squeak).
Mr. Krabs: Huh? (this leads to a montage which leads to Krabs going insane. It’s in inverted colors. We switch through scenes of a scared Krabs, the mouths of Tom and SpongeBob, the clock that now squeaks and reads, “Squeaky Squeak”) What the-- (the menu which is in squeak language.) I didn't write that! (A distorted sink is leaking and we see faint images of SpongeBob and the boots and we hear him say, "Could the world's greatest frycook do this? And this? and he repeats the two last words. Eventually, everything tangles together on a nauseating swirl and Krabs finally snaps)
Mr. Krabs: STOP IIIIIT! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Don't you hear it?! Yes, I did it! I did it! I took the boots! They're here, under the floorboards! Oh, please, make it stop! It's the squeaking of the hideous boots! (lifts floorboards) I'm sorry! But I can't take the infernal squeakin' no more! (takes the boots to his office and dunks them in a deep fryer, which causes them to shrink. He eats the boots, and burps loudly.) The deed is done!
Mr. Krabs: Spongeboy me bob!
Mr. Krabs: Ah, money to my ears...I mean music.

[edit] Nature Pants [1.9a]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob...SpongeBob? Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!
Squidward: [About Spongebob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants.
Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I've already given him eleven minutes.
Patrick: [On the verge of tears] Patrick sad!
[Patrick approaches Spongebob in Jellyfish Fields with a net.]
Spongebob: Patrick! What are you doing?
[Patrick looks at Spongebob with tears in his eyes.]
Patrick: If I can't have you as a friend, I'm going to make you a trophy!
Spongebob: Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning.
[After a long, difficult day, Spongebob realizes being a jellyfish isn't all it's cracked up to be, and he slowly and sadly returns to his real home in Bikini Bottom.]
Spongebob: What have I done? I had a great life, and friends, and I gave all that up.
[Spongebob slowly enters his house, and the minute he sets foot in the door, the lights immediately go on, and Mr. Krabs and Patrick and Sandy and Squidward and Gary all greet Spongebob with party hats and noisemakers. The entire living room is decorated with balloons and streamers, there is a long table filled with refreshments, and a giant banner reads "WELCOME HOME".]
Everyone: Welcome home, Spongebob!
Spongebob: [Touched] You guys are the best. I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, quit your blubberin' and have a Krabby Patty!
[He offers Spongebob a fresh Krabby Patty, which Spongebob happily accepts.]
Spongebob: Don't mind if I do!
Mr. Krabs: And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning!
Spongebob: [Saluting] Aye-aye, Captain!

(SpongeBob hugs Squidward followed by everyone else)

Squidward: Could we please stop?
  • "Patrick... itchy!"

[edit] Opposite Day [1.9b]

Spongebob: :[running in his bedroom]: Gary! It's opposite day and...:[slows down]: walk don't run... and I'm :[thinks for a moment]: Opposites. Opposites. I'm just going to lay in bed all day. :[gets in bed]: Too bad it only comes once a year. Huh Gary?
[Gary meows.]
SpongeBob: Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?
[Gary barks SpongeBob smiles]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
Squidward: Grr... Let me show you guys how much I hate you! [Squidward chases them with a bulldozer.] Happy Opposite Day, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever think Squidward likes us too much?
Realtor: [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward, [points to Patrick] he's Squidward, [points to the real Squidward] you're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any more Squidwards I should know about?!
Gary: [wearing a pickle in between his eyes] Meow!
Realtor: I'm outta here.
Squidward: Wait,...
SpongeBob: don't-
Patrick: -go!
Squidward: Opposite Day! Next time, it's Go-Jump-off-a-Cliff Day.
(in front of the demolished pineapple house)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.......I mean, good bye, Squidward! Isn't opposite day.......terrible!
(yelling from Squidward's house)
Squidward: I'll tell what terrible....living next to you, you're the worst neighbor in history!
SpongeBob: Gee,that's the nicest thing Squidward had ever said to me.

[edit] Culture Shock [1.10a]

Squidward: Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well it's not. It's mine.
Gary: Ahem...Meow, meow, meow....
Sandy: Awwww...He has such a way with words.
Squidward: Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty. [mutters] No-one else would give it a home.
[Patrick bursts out laughing]

[edit] F.U.N [1.10b]

Mr. Krabs: Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [Notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe scallops'll fly out of me pants! [Jumps into the "boat" that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing like crazy] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!
Plankton: [On a robotic jellyfish] All knees will bow to Plankton, hail Plankton! I win, I WIN!
Plankton: That naive cube!
Plankton: [singing] F is for fire that burns down the whole town. U is for Uranium... bombs. N is for no survivors when you...
Spongebob: [Singing] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere, any time at all--
Chorus: --down here in the deep blue sea!
Plankton: Being evil is too much fun!

[edit] MuscleBob BuffPants[1.10]

Sandy:Hey, do you know where Spongebob is?
Scooter:You mean MuscleBob BuffPants? He's in there.

[edit] Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost [1.11b]

Squidward: Spongebob I have a confession to make, [takes off towel from his head]
Spongebob: [gasps] YOU'RE BALD!
Squidward: No I'm not bald! I'm ALIVE!
SpongeBob: Hike Patrick, hike! You just lost 3 points! [climbs up pole] 1, 2, 5! [stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7'] G7!
Pactick: G7?! King me, king me! [smashes into pole] I lose!
SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [shouting from his house] What are you invertebrates doing?! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then at Squidward.]
Both: We don't know.
Squidward: Say, Patrick, what time is it?
Patrick: Oh, it's, uh... [checks the time and accidentally spills the rest of the bubble soap on the floor]
Squidward: Time to find some other game to play! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Patrick say that again.
Patrick: That again.
SpongeBob: No, the other thing.
Patrick:No, the other thing.
SpongeBob: No what you said before when you...
Patrick: No what you said before when you...
SpongeBob: Never Mind! I have an idea.
Patrick: Never Mind! I have an idea.
SpongeBob: [Giving Squidward food] A grape, fresh from the vine, your spookiness. A banana, peeled to your liking, your incorporealness.
Patrick: One watermelon [wedges sizable watermelon in Squidward's mouth] fresh from the manure fields, your spookiness!
Patrick: You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here, and SpongeBob, I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts drooling and SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ... me.
SpongeBob: Oh, let’s see. It’s a comic book, and look at this: it’s the origin on the Flying Dutchman. It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don’t you get it, Patrick?
Patrick: We’re going to go shopping?
SpongeBob: No! We’re gonna put poor old Squidward to rest. (cut to Squidward sitting on the couch. SpongeBob and Patrick peek up from behind it, and they spit two spitballs at him)
Squidward: Ow! What the heck was that?
SpongeBob: Initiation! (he giggles) That was part one of your ceremony.
Squidward: Ceremony for what?
SpongeBob: We’re going to put you to rest.
Squidward: I don’t want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, really? I’m going to go check. (he walks off. He opens the door and screams. Inside are Sponge and Pat holding open the door to a coffin)
SpongeBob: OK, get in.
Squidward: Are you crazy? I’m not getting in that thing.
SpongeBob: But you said we could put you to rest.
Squidward: I didn’t say anything like that! Now, get out of my house!
SpongeBob: OK.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

[edit] The Chaperone [1.12]

[When Mr. Krabs suggests that Pearl take SpongeBob to the prom]
Pearl: Aagh! The fry cook! Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People will mistake me for a planetarium!
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Pearl: I...don't...know! But I can't take him, Daddy. They'll kick me out of the Most-Frequently-Pictured-in-the-Yearbook Committee.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, they would.
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?
Mr. Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now she can't seem to find another.
Pearl: That's because there's only one fish in the sea as long, tan, and handsome as he is, and that's him!
Spongebob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! I am a prom expert!
Spongebob: Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: No, that was Patrick who brought his mom.
Spongebob: How am I supposed to compare to Pearl's old boyfriend, Mr. Long-Tan-and-Handsome?
[Pearl and Spongebob get kicked out of the gym where the prom is being held after they make a total mess of everything.]
Teenage Fish: Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya?
[Spongebob and Pearl are standing together outside Pearl's house, when suddenly Mr. Krabs bursts through the front door with a giant rake in his claws.]
Mr. Krabs: Keep away from my precious little flower! [Approaching a delicate sea flower in his garden] You almost stepped on it.
Pearl: [To Spongebob] Well, goodnight, Short-Yellow-and-Spongy.

[edit] SB-129 [1.14a]

Squidward: I went to the future. You don't know how happy I am to see you guys.
SpongeBob: Does this mean you wanna go... Jellyfishing?
Squidward: NO! Sheesh, who was the barnacle head that invented that game anyway?
SpongeBob and Patrick: You are, Squidward! [laughing]
Squidward: I'm going back.
Narrator: Squidward is about to practice his clarinet, so get your ear plugs ready.
SpongeTron: Everything is chrome in the future!
Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeTron: Yep. All 426 of them.
Squidward: [lies down on the floor and starts spasming] FU-TURE! FU-TURE! FU-TURE!

[edit] Karate Choppers [1.14b]

Hot Sauce Drop: By the powers of naughtieness, I command this paticalaur drop of hot sauce to be really, really, hot!
Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get the bathrooms mopped yet?
SpongeBob: Yes ma'am. I mean sir. I mean boss. I mean Poobah!
Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
SpongeBob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kare-ah-tay, as some like to call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kare-ah-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay!
Spongebob: Aye-aye, Capi-tay!
Sandy: I love Karate.
SpongeBob: I love Kare-ah-tay.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay.
Squidward: I hate all of you.
SpongeBob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't! Because I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [swivels hands around] (Hiss) Took care of her, yes I did. [Runs into Mr. Krabs] Uh, Ahoy, sir!
Mr. Krabs: What was that?
SpongeBob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo!
SpongeBob: I know! We can pretend to be plants! [lies down on his back and pretents to be a plant] Photosynthesis...Photosynthesis...Photosynthesis...

[edit] Sleepy Time [1.15a]

Patrick: Does anyone have a quarter?
Gary: [To Spongebob in his dream] How dare you invade the sanctity of my dreams!
Spongebob: Gary, you can talk!
Gary: [Sighs] In dreams, one is not tethered by earthly limitations.
The King: [In Squidward's dream] I came here to hear beautiful music! If I don't get my wish, it'll be your head!
Spongebob: Gee, Gary, you sure are smart.
Gary: Did you think my shell was full of hot air?
Gary: For ages, dreams have been thought of as windows to another realm.
Gary: [In his dream] 'Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again.' Emily Dickinson wrote that.
Spongebob: [Clueless] Who?
[Gary investigates Spongebob's socks just before they go to bed.]
Gary: [Puzzled] Meow?
Spongebob: Oh, Gary! You know what they say: Curiosity salted the snail. Mind your wandering eye, you little mollusk!
Gary: [To Spongebob as he is heading out of his dream] Beware of your wandering eye, you little poriferan!
Gary: [Reading a poem in his dream] There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true.
The King: [To Spongebob in Squidward's dream] Oh, do tell me the one about the man from Peru again!
Spongebob: I sure take a good picture.
[Spongebob poses as a clarinet in Squidward's dream. When Squidward tries to play, Spongebob sings totally off-key and sour notes. The entire audience gasps.]
Squidward: [Furious] Spongebob!
[But Squidward sees, to his great astonishment, that the king for which he is playing is moved to tears.]
The King: [Sobbing] Wh-wh-why have you stopped playing that wonderful music?
[The entire audience listens to Spongebob's horrible singing with tears in their eyes.]
Spectator: [Dabbing at his moist eyes with a hanky] This music touches me ever so, that I fear my tears might stain my petticoat.
[In Spongebob's dream, he dreams he is driving a race boat at top speed in a land of Krabby patties and spatulas.]
Spongebob: Wait a minute! I don't have a driver's license!
[A driver's license appears in midair in front of him. Spongebob takes it and stares at it in awe.]
Spongebob: Wow...my driver's license!
[Spongebob is too busy staring at his driver's license to pay attention to his actual driving, and he crashes into a big rock and gets thrown out of the car.]
Spongebob: [As he flies through the air] How could I have forgotten the most important rule of driving? Always wear your seat belt!
Spongebob: [In Plankton's dream] This isn't a dream! This is a nightmare!
Plankton: Well, I guess I've got some explaining to do.
Spongebob: [To Mrs. Puff in his dream] Mrs. Puff, look! I finally got my driver's license!
Mrs. Puff: Not even in your dreams, Mr. Squarepants!
[She snatches Spongebob's license out of his hands and tears it to shreds.]
Spongebob: NOOOOOOOO!
Plankton: Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot!

[edit] Suds

Spongebob: Sandy, I'm sick, can you escort me to the doctor's?

[edit] Arrgh! [1.17a]

Mr. Krabs: Patrick, you're fired.
Patrick: But I don't even work here.
Mr. Krabs: Would you like a job, starting today?
Patrick: Boy, would I!
Mr. Krabs: You're fired!
Mr. Krabs: Where is the treasure? 10,000 paces east!
Patrick: Oh, east? I thought you said "Weast".
Mr. Krabs: Weast?! What kind of compass are ya reading lad?
Patrick: This one sir.
Mr. Krabs: That's west, Patrick. You're fired again.
[after they crash into "land"]
Mr. Krabs: Status report, Mr. Squarepants?
SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater, sir.
Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks!
Spongebob: But we've only been out here a few hours...
Patrick: I know.

[edit] Rock Bottom [1.17b]

[Patrick sees a sign saying, 'You are now leaving Bikini Bottom']

Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick?
Patrick: Where's "Leaving Bikini Bottom"?
SpongeBob: Where did you see that?
Patrick: We just passed the sign. "You are now in leaving Bikini Bottom".
SpongeBob: [gasps] WHAT?!
Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [sees sign that says "Bikini Bottom: City Limits"] Patrick, I think we're on the wrong... [screams as bus goes down road] ...bus!
SpongeBob: I guess Grandpa SquarePants was right -- don't run for a bus. [Imitates his grandpa] Especially one that's going up at a 90-degree angle.
[Spongebob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom.]
Spongebob: It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different.
[Spongebob scoops up a handful of soil. The soil speaks to him.]
Soil: [Between blowing raspberries] Would you mind--[blowing two raspberries]--putting me down?
Patrick: Spongebob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't want to be here! I wanna go home! Look--I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!
[Spongebob's stomach growls as he waits for the next bus.]
Spongebob: Getting hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World.
[Spongebob takes out a glove candy dispenser and eats several pieces of candy, but then spits them out in disgust.]
Spongebob: Ewww! Glove-flavoured!

[edit] Texas [1.18a]

Sandy: [Points her finger at SpongeBob and Patrick] Don't you dare take the name of Texas in vain!
Patrick: So,we can't say anything about dumb ol' Texas?
Sandy: No! You can't say nothin' bad about Texas.
SpongeBob: [with questioned face] Oh, so we can't say anything bad about [sticking his tongue out with googling eyes] Texas.
[Patrick is lassoed by Sandy and pulled backwards]
Patrick: Noo! Spongeboooob!
[Spongebob keeps running and a nuclear explosion occurs where Patrick was taken]
Spongebob: Ahhh!

[edit] Walking Small [1.18b]

SpongeBob: Excuse me, you are sitting on my body, which is also my face.
Plankton: Don't let that guy sit on you! Be assertive!
SpongeBob: [Pokes finger into fish's pocket] Bee-beep!
Plankton: Not insertive!
Plankton: You just let people step all over you. You're just like stairs.
Plankton: Spongebob, there's the guy that took your ice cream! Now be assertive!
Spongebob: Hey, that's my ice cream!
Plankton: That's it Spongebob! Now let him HAVE IT!
Spongebob: You can have it.
Plankton: It is becoming increasingly obvious... I can deny it no longer... I am small.
SpongeBob:You used me... for land development! [says in sad, high pitched voice] That wasn't nice!
Spongebob: [Doing a funny beach walk] Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, brrrrrrroo-do-do!
[Spongebob sees Plankton sitting on a bench with two ice cream cones, crying his eye out.]
Spongebob: Plankton? What are you doing here? And why are you crying?
Plankton: [Tearfully] Oh, hi, Spongebob. [Blows his nose loudly on a tiny handkerchief.] I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! [Crying harder] I don't know what to do with the other one!
[Spongebob looks puzzled for a moment. Plankton's sobs intensify.]
Spongebob: I'll eat one of those ice cream cones for you.
[Plankton abruptly stops crying.]
Plankton: Spongebob, would you do that for me?
Spongebob: [Cheerfully] Sure!
[Spongebob immediately seizes one of the two ice cream cones and starts eating it very noisily.]
Plankton: Spongebob?
[Spongebob is too busy licking and slurping the ice cream.]
Plankton: [A little louder] Spongebob?
[Spongebob devours the ice cream down to the cone, then starts lapping up what's left with his tongue.]
Plankton: [Through a small megaphone] SPONGEBOB!
Spongebob: [With his mouth full] Yeah?
[He turns to face Plankton directly, accidentally spraying him with bits of ice cream residue. Plankton pretends to not mind.]
Plankton: [Flatteringly] Isn't it great to get the things you desire? Like that ice cream cone, for instance.
[Spongebob licks his fingers as he listens to Plankton.]
Plankton: You can have anything you want with a little training.
Spongebob: [Still licking his fingers] Training?
Plankton: Yes. You just have to learn to be more assertive. And I can show you how.
Spongebob: [Sucking on one finger] Assertive, huh?
Plankton: That's right!
Spongebob: [Takes a moment to ponder] Anything I want... [Smacks his lips together a few times, then leans towards Plankton eagerly] Sounds great!
Plankton: [Evilly] Wonderful!
[A little girl is crying about her sand-covered ice cream. Spongebob takes the ice cream and uses his eyelashes to dust away the sand. When he gives the girl her treat back, it is sparkling clean.]
Plankton: Butterfly kisses! I can't take it! It's too cute! It--it's disgusting!
Spongebob: Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting! [Curls into a fetal position] Need...hatred...
Spongebob:...Volleyball anyone?

[edit] Fools in April [1.19a]

Evelyn: Do you know where the forks are?
SpongeBob: Right here.
Evelyn: Uhh... that's a spoon.
SpongeBob: [Giggles] April Fools!
Tom: Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?
SpongeBob: Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [Sponge walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!
Tom: Thanks. [Drinks his lemonade, SpongeBob giggling with every sip.]
SpongeBob: April Fools!
Tom: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DRINK?!
SpongeBob: I... I... [giggles]
Tom: You what?!
SpongeBob: You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]
SpongeBob: [points at his own tongue] Hey! Your shoe's untied! [tongue looks down] April Fools![hugging his own tongue] You're not wearing shoes! [laughs]

[edit] Hooky [1.20a]

Mr. Krabs: [In a customer's face] The hooks! The hooks!
Customer: How about a mint?
Mr. Krabs: So, there I was, minding my own business--
Squidward: I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but I have to do my wastebasket inspection. [Holds a wastebasket over his head] Mmm-hmmm...mmm-hmmm...oh, yeah, there's one!
[Mr. Krabs is explaining the dangers of the hooks to Spongebob.]
Mr. Krabs: ...and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and HIGHER, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya--or worse!
Spongebob: [Terrified] What could be worse than that?
Mr. Krabs: [Softly] Gift shops.
Patrick: Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Crew!
Spongebob: Hey, Patrick!
Patrick: Guess what? The carnival's in town! Come on, let's go!
Spongebob: I can't leave now, I'm working.
Patrick: It's not leaving. You're just taking a break.
[Spongebob grins and slithers silently out of the Krusty Krab kitchen to join Patrick.]
[Patrick leads Spongebob to a secluded area where hooks are dangling everywhere.]
Patrick: There it is, Spongebob! The carnival is back in town! I'm gonna be first in line for everything!
[Spongebob has an uneasy feeling about the so-called "carnival".]
Spongebob: Doesn't look like any carnival I ever--
[The rest of Spongebob's sentence is cut off when he bumps into a large hook.]
Spongebob: Oh, excuse me!
[Suddenly he realizes just what the thing dangling in front of him is, and he rushes urgently to Patrick.]
Spongebob: Stop, Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick, those are hooks! Mr. Krabs said they're really dangerous!
[Patrick sits on a hook's barbed end to think about it a moment, then smiles.]
Patrick: I sense no danger here. How could they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!
Spongebob: All I know is Mr. Krabs said--Patrick, don't do that!
[Patrick eats a block of cheese straight off a hook.]
Patrick: Mmmmm...cheesy.
Spongebob: Patrick, don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by myself?
[Suddenly the hook Patrick is holding onto jerks into the air, taking Patrick up towards the surface.]
Spongebob: [Terrified] Patrick! Help! [Running around like crazy] Oh, Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, come back! Oh, my best friend!
[Patrick suddenly floats gently back to the ocean floor, and Spongebob accidentally bumps into him.]
Spongebob: [Gratefully] Patrick, you're alive!
Patrick: Am I ever! You should try it!
Spongebob: But what about the surface? And your britches? And the gift shops?!?!?!
Patrick: You just jump off before you go up too high.
[In the Krusty Krab dining area]
Customer 1: Pee-yew! You call this food?!
Customer 2: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!
Customer 3: My sandwich is a fried boot!
[The customers get angry at Squidward; of all of them, Tom can be heard.]
Tom: COME ON! HURRY UP! WE'RE STARVING OUT HERE, I MEAN LOOK AT US! MY KIDS HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. [In the kitchen] THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLIP IT!
Squidward: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO EAT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?!
[In the Krusty Krab kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! What the halibut's going on in here?
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, sir, and SpongeBob's still not back from his break!
[Mr. Krabs takes one look at Squidward, and bursts out laughing.]
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59. [Chuckles] Now, what were you saying?
Squidward: [With emphasis] He took a break.
[Mr. Krabs looks at Squidward, and his arms fall off, then his nose falls off, too. Later we see Mr. Krabs storming out the front doors.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, Spongebob LazyPants! I'll find you. This nose can smell laziness for up to 10,000 leagues! [Sniffs the water] A-HA! [Starts to march off] I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!
Squidward: [With a mob of angry customers forming around him] But, Mr. Krabs, I still need -- [The mob carries him off] -- HEEELLLLP!
[Mr. Krabs sees Spongebob and Patrick among the hooks, and tries to stop them.]
SpongeBob & Patrick: One...two...three! Blast-off!
[The hook hoists them into the air just as Mr. Krabs is rushing out at them, and Mr. Krabs crashes facefirst into a rock and ends up flat on his back. Heartbreaking music starts playing in the background.]
Mr. Krabs: [Thinking Spongebob and Patrick are gone forever] Boys! I wasn't quick enough. They're gone! [On the verge of tears] Oh, if I could only hold them in me arms again, I'd--I'd--
[He sees Spongebob and Patrick float down in front of him, and anger replaces his sadness.]
Mr. Krabs: --I'd throttle 'em! [Yelling] What'd I tell you about those hooks, boy?!?!
SpongeBob: [Stammering] I--I--
Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks! You ride 'em up and up and up...then you gently float down.
Mr. Krabs: [In Patrick's face] And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?
SpongeBob: Gift shop?
Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna! With nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!
[Bloody murder is heard in the background.]
Mr. Krabs: I want you boys to promise me you'll never go on those hooks again.
Patrick and Spongebob: We promise, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks I'll never go!
Patrick and Spongebob: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks we'll never go.
[A sharp hook jabs Mr. Krabs in the rear end. Mr. Krabs howls to high heaven in pain and leaps half a mile into the air.]
Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
Patrick and Spongebob: [Copying Mr. Krabs] Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
[At the very end of the episode, Patrick is returned to Bikini Bottom trapped inside a can of tuna.]
Patrick: Hello? Does somebody have a can opener?

[edit] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II [1.20b]

Mermaid Man: Don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow! Or the villain.
Mermaid Man and SpongeBob: [singing] Oh jingle bells, Mermaid Man smells, Barnacle Boy laid an egg; the Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and...

[edit] Season Two

[edit] Your Shoe's Untied [2.1a]

SpongeBob: TADA! A perfect Patty.
Squidward: Alright SpongeBob, hand it over. [waits] Well?
SpongeBob: [hesitates] Hey Squidward! I've got an idea! How about you come get it?
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh gee, SpongeBob, now that's a great idea! And maybe I should cook the Patties, and do the dishes, and wear square pants, and live in a pineapple, while YOU wait in the unemployment line!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Then bring the Patty here NOW!
Squidward: I think my heart just stopped.
Squidward: It's Sponge-[burps loudly] Bob's fault! SpongeBob's fault!
Patrick: [Spongebob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab's wood planks] Spongebob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?
SpongeBob: [screaming hysterically] DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A KNOT?!!!!!
SpongeBob: [stuck to Painty the Pirate] Could you show me how to tie my shoes?
Painty: Aargh! I be just a paintin' of a head.

[edit] Squid's Day Off [2.1b]

Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime.
Mr. Krabs: Get away barbarian, look what you've done nice, clean money SOILED!

[edit] Something Smells [2.2a]

Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [sobs]
Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look!
Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. [picks up SpongeBob and seats him] It's called "The Ugly Barnacle". Once there was an ugly Barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The End.
Spongebob: That didn't help at all.
Spongebob: How long, how long, Patrick have I been ugly.
Patrick: As long as I could remember.
SpongeBob: [yelling] I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is that what he calls it?
Patrick: What is WRONG with you people?! Afraid to look ugliness in the face?! [picks up SpongeBob and starts waving him around] Well, HERE! LOOK AT IT! IT'S UGLY, ISN'T IT?! [waves SpongeBob at one group of people] YOU LOOK AT IT!
SpongeBob: Hello.
[group runs off after smelling his breath]
Patrick: [waves SpongeBob at another group] YOU LOOK AT IT!
SpongeBob: Hi.
[second group follows suit]
Patrick: [waves him at the entire audience] LOOK AT IT!
[audience runs off]
Patrick: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!!
SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.
Patrick: [with foul breath pouring out of his mouth] That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought, "If I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do."
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?! My sister--! Wait. I don't have a sister. The bank--! Oh, it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but--!
SpongeBob: PATRICK!!!!!
Spongebob: Wow! It's Sunday, Gary! Guess what's for breakfast!
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: [As he enters the kitchen] That's right! A sundae.
[Spongebob is trying to think of what toppings to use for his "sundae". He studies what he has in the cupboard.]
Spongebob: Bananas. Cherries. Boring. Ah, here we go! Onions! Ready, Gary?
[We see Gary with a violin.]
Gary: Meow.
[Sad violin music begins to play, and Spongebob bursts into tears as he cuts up the onions.]
Spongebob: This sundae's gonna taste great! Aren't you gonna help me, Gary? [Realizes Gary is nowhere to be seen in the kitchen] Gary? Ah, well, more for me!
[Spongebob is appalled at how putrid Patrick's breath is.]
Spongebob: Oh, barnacles! Patrick, what did you eat?!
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--
Spongebob: [Holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--
Spongebob: What else?
Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
[All at once it dawns on Spongebob.]
Spongebob: Sundae. Patrick, my sundae gave us rancid breath!
Patrick: What'cha mean?
Spongebob: I mean, we're not ugly. We just stink!

[edit] Bossy Boots [2.2b]

Squidward: [Deadpan] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.
Pearl: Squidward is such a barnacle.
Mr. Krabs: I can smell the money already!
[Pearl gives Spongebob his new uniform, which consists of a bright pink body suit covered with bright purple flowers.]
Pearl: Oh, Spongebob, you look so adorable! I could just eat you up!
Spongebob: Sorry, Pearl, this item's not on the menu!
[Pearl has just transformed the Krusty Krab into the Kuddly Krab.]
Teenage Fish: Finally, a place for teens to just, you know, hang out.
Squidward: Fish paste.
Spongebob: The customers may be hot, but my grill is hotter.
[Spongebob finds, to his horror, that his grill is gone.]
Spongebob: Where's the grill?!?!
Pearl: Come on, Spongebob, you're a hip guy. You know fried foods are O-U-T, out.
Spongebob: [Weakly] Er...right on.
[Pearl gives Spongebob the new Kuddly Krab menu.]
Spongebob: [Reading the menu aloud] 'Salad, and tea.' But where are the Krabby Patties?
Squidward: That's it, I quit!
[Spongebob decides to confront Mr. Krabs about Pearl.]
Spon