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21 Jump Street (film)

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21 Jump Street is a 2012 American buddy cop action comedy film directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller in their live action directorial debuts and written by Jonah Hill and Michael Bacall. It is an adaptation of the 1987–1991 television series of the same name by Stephen J. Cannell and Patrick Hasburgh. In the film, Schmidt and Jenko are police officers who are forced to relive high school when they are assigned on an undercover mission to pose as high school students in order to prevent the outbreak of a new synthetic drug and arrest its supplier.

Quotes

[edit]
Captain Dickson: He's white, that means people actually give shit.
Schmidt: Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.
[to a handcuffed Domingo]
Jenko: You have the right to...
[forgets the Miranda rights]
Jenko: ...suck my dick, motherfucker!
Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko] That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
Schmidt: Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say, "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
Jenko: Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the "2" - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, science!
Deputy Chief Hardy: We're receiving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
Zack: You look really old. Were you held back?
Jenko: No. You look super young, were you held forward?
[last lines]
Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two boys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
Jenko: [while passing different cliques] Those are jocks, those are nerds...
[passes hipsters]
Jenko: I don't know what those are...
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?
Jenko: [raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party] Got a pound of coke.
Schmidt: We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Jenko: Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt: Best party ever!
Jenko: Booyah!
Captain Dickson: The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko: We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: [slams desk] Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko: But if you find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson: Goddamn.
[slams desk]
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Principal Dadier: I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.
Eric Molson: You know what they do to handsome guy like me in prison. It rhymes with GRAPE. It rhymes with grape.
Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!
[pointing gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson: On your knees now!
Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Domingo: What the...
Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!
Schmidt: Yes! Yes!
Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!
Domingo: What?
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!
Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson: What?
Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.
Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what it's like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson: You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!
Tom Hanson: Yeah!
Jenko: Fuck you, Glee!
Schmidt: [referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth] I looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.
Sanders: You punched me because I'm gay?
Jenko: What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards.
Jenko: Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?
Schmidt: Oh, I am.
[scene cuts. they are patroling the park on bicycles]
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?
Jenko: It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don't know that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
Jenko: [is asked if he knows the Miranda rights] Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...
Schmidt: [whispers] You have the right to an attorney.
Jenko: You have the right to remain... an attorney.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
Jenko: Where do we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Schmidt: Mmhmm.
Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people wo do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
[walks up to car they'll be driving in, Jenko sees it's an old run down car]
Jenko: Shit.
Captain Dickson: You are here simply because you look young. You some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus-lookin' motherfuckers.
Jenko: Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: [looks surprised] You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands, let's go!
Eric Molson: Get in the fucking car now!
Jenko: Not until you ask nicely.
Eric Molson: Please get in the car.
Jenko: What are you doing, trying to find my g spot? Just stick it in. GO!
Principal Dadier: Alright, which one of you is Doug?
[neither Jenko or Schmidt reply]
Principal Dadier: Alright, let's try that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
[having sex with Jenko in the end credits]
Ms. Griggs: Oh my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Captain Dickson: Who made this? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It IS artistic.
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck someone's dick... I will but I prefer not to.
Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt: Hey, Korean Jesus.
Jr. Jr.: We just shut down our second operation. Meanwhiles, you two are fingerpoppin' each other's assholes.
Schmidt: [mocking Jr. Jr.] We ain't finguh-POPpin' each other's ace-holes. We're getting shit done.
Schmidt: We're like, in the end of Die Hard right now, only it's our actual life!
Captain Dickson: Teenage the fuck up!
Jenko: I would choke the shit out of Glee if I could... if Glee was a person.
Schmidt: [after being forced to take HFS, he and Jenko try to imagine something nasty to make them throw up] Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick going in there.
Jenko: What the fuck, dude?
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Captain Dickson: Everybody comfortable?
Schmidt: Yes.
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! You will be going undercover as high school students. I know what you're thinkin': angry, black captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well, guess what, motherfuckers? I'm black, and I worked my ASS off to be the captain. And sometimes, I get angry. So suck a dick!
Eric Molson: You don't care about the environment? That's fucked up, man!
Jenko: [after seeing Schmidt for the first time since high school] Not-so-slim shady? What's up, dude?
Mr. Gordon: You never won't know what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.
Eric Molson: You're a cop. You lied to me.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, man.
Eric Molson: But you bought us Taco Bell.
Mr. Walters: I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Eric Molson: You made me this friendship bracelet.
Jenko: Well, he's not really your friend, he was pretending the whole time.
Eric Molson: I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later tonight!
Schmidt: Let's make a baby!
Captain Dickson: They teenagers, man. They really stupid.
Jenko: I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes.
[Schmidt and Jenko are flipping their guns in the air, catching them and aiming at each other]
Schmidt: Yours isn't loaded, right?
Jenko: Huh?
Schmidt: We're supposed to unload 'em first, right?
Jenko: Nah, that's no fun. Come on.
Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.
Tom Hanson: [in disguise, regarding Schmidt and Jenko] If they're cops, I'm DEA.
Jenko: Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick. Oh, my god! It definitely came out my asshole.
Schmidt, Jenko: Yes. You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you, bitch!
Schmidt: Yes, yes. We did it, man.
Jenko: God, I feel so good.
[back at 21 Jump Street in Dickson's office, after getting expelled from school for fighting on stage]
Jenko: Is that it? You're not gonna... you're not gonna scream at us?
Captain Dickson: [dryly] Nope. I'm just gonna fire you.
Mr. Walters: That's my quesadilla!
Tom Hanson: Tom Hanson, DEA!
Jenko: You're in too deep, man.
Schmidt: Where did you learn to do that?
Jenko: App chemistry, bitch!
Schmidt: Is it me?
Eric Molson: Everybody's a stranger until you give them a chance.
[first lines]
Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.

Cast

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