ALF (season 4)
ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.
Episodes
[edit]Baby, Come Back [4.01]
[edit]- ALF: Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
- Kate: ALF, you just had lunch.
- ALF: Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
- Willie: Any luck?
- Kate: No.
- ALF: You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
- Kate: I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
- ALF: Porkchops.
- Willie: Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
- ALF: Maybe a nice ham.
- Willie: You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
- ALF: Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
- Willie: Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
- ALF: Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
- Kate: No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
- Willie: Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
- ALF: Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
- Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
- ALF: Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
- Willie: When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
- ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
- Willie: We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
- ALF: Attica! Attica! Attica!
- Kate: ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
- ALF: But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
- Willie: My, you are blessed, aren't you?
- Kate: As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
- ALF: But why? Why?
- Kate: Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
- ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
- ALF: Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
- [ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
- ALF: Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
- Willie: ALF!
- ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
- Willie: What are you doing in the chimney?
- ALF: Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?
Lies [4.02]
[edit]- Willie: [reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
- ALF: Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
- Brian: [reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"
- ALF: That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.
Wanted: Dead or Alive [4.03]
[edit]- ALF: [after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.
- [Kate goes to the backyard and finds ALF inside the box]
- Kate: Too bad this isn't a pine box.
- ALF: Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
- Kate: How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
- ALF: I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
- Kate: You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and somebody did call the FBI!
- ALF: Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
- Kate: Willie is not a polygamist.
- ALF: Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
- Kate: I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
- ALF: Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
- Kate: If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
- ALF: [when Willie came home from FBI] Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew that you were innocent. I'm so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!
We're in the Money [4.04]
[edit]- ALF: [while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
- Willie: [comes in the garage] ALF.
- ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
- Willie: This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
- ALF: I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
- Willie: It's not a game!
- ALF: You know, you can beat a point to death.
- Willie: I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
- ALF: $5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
- Willie: But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
- ALF: But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
- Willie: Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
- ALF: Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
- Willie: But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
- ALF: In passing.
- [Willie leaves the garage]
- Willie: Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
- Kate: [reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
- Willie: Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
- Kate: Well, it's got to be a mistake.
- Willie: Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
- Kate: Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
- Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
- ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
Mind Games [4.05]
[edit]- [Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
- Willie: Well, what's your professional opinion?
- Larry: He's bored.
- Willie: But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
- Larry: Maybe boredom.
- Kate: That's it?
- Larry: Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
- Kate: He needs to be muzzled.
- Willie: He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
- Kate: He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
- Larry: It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
- Kate: So, what do we do?
- Larry: Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
- Kate: What if it doesn't?
- Larry: We'll have dessert.
- Willie: [while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
- Larry: You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
- Willie: Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
- Larry: Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
- Kate: In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
- Willie: Do you think you can help?
- Larry: Trust me. I'm a professional.
- Kate: The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
Hooked on a Feeling [4.06]
[edit]- ALF: [looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton]
- ALF: I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
- Willie: I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
- ALF: But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
- Willie: Sometimes I feel like I am.
- ALF: But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
- Willie: You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
- ALF: Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.
He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother [4.07]
[edit]- Willie: [reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
- ALF: I love when you read to me.
- Willie: I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
- ALF: Obviously not clear enough.
- Kate: What exactly did this note say, ALF?
- ALF: Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
- Willie: You signed my name?
- ALF: Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face [4.08]
[edit]- Willie: Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
- Neal: [offscreen] Willie, you up there?
- Willie: I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
- ALF: Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
- [ALF and Neal are playing chess]
- Neal: So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
- ALF: Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
- Neal: Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
- ALF: Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
- Neal: Oh.
- ALF: You sure you've never played this game before?
- Neal: No, this is my first time.
- ALF: Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
Live and Let Die [4.09]
[edit]- Willie: [comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
- Kate: What is it?
- Willie: I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
- Kate: Lucky? Oh no.
- ALF: So, what's the bad news?
- Willie: That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
- Kate: Well honey, what happened?
- Willie: Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
- Kate: Poor Lucky.
- ALF: [after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
- Lynn: [praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
- ALF: Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
- Kate: ALF!
- ALF: Hey, they were his words!
Break Up to Make Up [4.10]
[edit]- [Lynn is showing ALF 2 drawings on the board]
- ALF: Okay, okay. We've got a clock and a bird. Bird watch! A bird watching. That's it! Let's eat! Are you sure? Watch bird. Watch bird. [Lynn draws an arrow] One flew over the cuckoo's nest. [Lynn grunts and points to ALF a clock and a bird] That's my final answer, make it work. Oh, come on, what else could it be? [timer dings]
- Lynn: What about time flies?
- ALF: What about a halfway decent clue?
- ALF: Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
Happy Together [4.11]
[edit]- Willie: [on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
- Kate: ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
- ALF: Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
- Willie: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
- ALF: Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
- Willie: Because you don't listen.
- ALF: No, that's not it.
- Willie: I have to punish you.
- ALF: Should I assume the position?
- Willie: Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
- ALF: No.
- Willie: No? What do you mean, no?
- ALF: I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
- Lynn: Ooh. Your turn, dad.
- Willie: As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
- ALF: Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
- Willie: Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
- ALF: Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
- Willie: Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
- ALF: Don't bother. This time I mean it.
- Willie: If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
- ALF: [voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
- Willie: See?
- [Willie comes to Neal's apartment to pick up ALF]
- Willie: [from outside] It's me, Willie.
- ALF: Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
- Neal: [opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.
- Willie: I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.
- Neal: Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.
- ALF: Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?
- Willie: Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.
- ALF: Oh, yeah, the beating.
- Neal: Willie!
- Willie: Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.
- ALF: But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Willie: Come on. Let's go.
- Neal: Willie, he's shaking.
- Willie: It's a ploy. Stop it.
- Neal: You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.
- Willie: I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.
- Neal: Thanks, Willie.
- Willie: Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]
- [Neal arrives at his apartment and confronts ALF for all the phone calls and mess he has done]
- Neal: Hi, ALF.
- ALF: Hi.
- Neal: Oh, ALF. I thought you were gonna clean up.
- ALF: I did. Nice of you to notice. That beer-can pyramid? Gone.
- Neal: Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?
- ALF: You were serious about that? I thought you were kidding.
- Neal: Why would I be kidding about an electrician?
- ALF: I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either. I'll do it tomorrow. Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that while you were here you'd help out. Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement. [yawns] Now I need a nap.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Neal: Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.
- ALF: Okay. Now what? Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant.
- [late at night, ALF is listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" very loudly]
- Neal: [loudly] ALF! ALF!
- ALF: Hey, Neal. Come on, let's party till the cows come home. By the way, when do they come home? I don't mind that they're out late what bothers me is they don't call.
- Neal: [turns off the music as he hears a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
- ALF: Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
- Neal: ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
- ALF: I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
- Neal: I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
- [the door knocks]
- Police Officer: [voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
- ALF: And you have the nerve to lecture me.
- [Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
- Kate: I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
- Willie: Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
- [Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
- Neal: Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
- Willie: Neal, what are you doing here?
- Neal: I couldn't sleep at my house.
- Kate: ALF?
- Neal: Where?
- Willie: It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
- Neal: Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
- Willie: Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
- Lynn: [gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
- Willie: He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
- Neal: I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
- Kate: Neal, calm down. Just relax.
- Lynn: Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
- Neal: Maybe a glass of warm milk?
- Lynn: Okay.
- Neal: With a flex straw?
- Lynn: I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
- Neal: Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
- Willie: Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
- Neal: I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
- Willie: Why should I tell him?
- Neal: Because you know how I hate confrontation.
- Willie: Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
- Kate: You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
- Willie: Kate, give it up. It's over.
- Kate: Just when I started to dream in color again.
- [ALF arrives home while the Tanners is having breakfast]
- ALF: Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.
- Lynn: It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.
- ALF: Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.
- Willie: Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.
- ALF: Oh, you're not still on that.
- Willie: Attic. Now.
- ALF: But, Willie.
- Willie: Now!
- ALF: But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-
- Willie: Attic!
- ALF: Tough house.
- [as the Tanners are satisfied about ALF's punishment, ALF heads to the attic and grounds himself as the episode ends]
Fever [4.12]
[edit]- [the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
- Kate: Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
- Lynn: I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
- Brian: I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
- ALF: That's everything, Kate.
- Kate: Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
- ALF: Nope. That's everything.
- Kate: [hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
- ALF: Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
- Kate: [as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
- Willie: Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
- Kate: Are you alright?
- Willie: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
- ALF: Oh, this is my fault.
- Willie: Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
- ALF: Oh, that. That was my fault.
- Kate: Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
- Lynn and Brian: [as they both leave] Okay.
- Willie: You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
- ALF: Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
- Kate: There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
- Willie: No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
- ALF: Gesundheit.
- Kate: I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
- Willie: No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
- ALF: Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
- [Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
- Kate: Have some soup. You'll feel better.
- Willie: Thanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
- Kate: Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
- Willie: I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
- ALF: Yo! Willie!
- Willie: When I could get it.
- Kate: I'll get you some more tissues.
- ALF: Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
- Willie: As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
- ALF: Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
- Kate: Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
- ALF: No.
- Willie: You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
- Kate: No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
- ALF: Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
- Kate: What was that?
- ALF: What was what?
- Willie: You sneezed.
- ALF: I did not. [sneezes two times]
- Willie: [to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
- ALF: Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
- Kate: Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
- ALF: Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
- [2 days later, ALF is still sick]
- Kate: [as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
- Willie: How are you feeling?
- ALF: Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
- Kate: You sound awful.
- Willie: Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
- Kate: Willie.
- ALF: But I really am feeling worse!
- Willie: My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
- ALF: Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
- Kate: [as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
- Willie: [as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
- ALF: Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
- Willie: I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
- ALF: I wish I felt that good.
- Kate: I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
- [at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
- Kate: Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
- Willie: Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
- ALF: [from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
- [Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
It's My Party [4.13]
[edit]- Kate: It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!
- [Willie ties ALF outside after seeing him in the room dancing]
- ALF: Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
- Willie: Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
- ALF: Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!
Make 'em Laugh [4.14]
[edit]- ALF: [dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]
- ALF: [talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
- Willie: [he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
- ALF: Whoa!
- Willie: You're alright?
- ALF: Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
- Willie: Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
- ALF: Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
- Kate: Thanks, AL.
- ALF: What?
- Kate: You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
- Willie: [does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
- ALF: No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
Love on the Rocks [4.15]
[edit]- Lynn: [while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
- ALF: [answers the phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
- Neal: Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
- ALF: Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
- Neal: Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
- ALF: What?!
- Neal: Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
- ALF: But, Neal.
- Margaret: [offscreen] Honey?
- Neal: Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
- ALF: But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
True Colors [4.16]
[edit]- ALF: Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
- Mr. Reuben: Hi, Lynn.
- Lynn Hi, Mr. Reuben.
- Mr. Reuben: You keep a neat work area.
- Lynn Thank you.
- Mr. Reuben: Do you perchance have anything to show me?
- Lynn I make it a point never to follow children or nudes.
- Mr. Reuben: Oh, Lynn. Let's have a look-see. [he opens up Lynn's portfolio]
- Lynn: Mr. Reuben, I can explain! Well, not without stretching reality, but I can. See...
- Mr. Reuben: Class, class..
- Lynn: [shocked] Oh, no.
- Mr. Reuben: I want you to see something. [the class looks at Lynn's project] What do you think?
- Lynn: I'll tell you what you think. In my defense, Mr. Reuben. I think I should tell you this is a mistake.
- Mr. Reuben: No, no, no, Lynn. There are no mistakes. I am seeing a side of you that I have never seen before. And it's brave. Raw, but inspired. Very good work.
- Lynn: Actually, I was a little more fond of, of this. [shows the class her other painting]
- [the class disagrees with her other painting]
- Mr. Reuben: No, that we put in a model home in the Valley. But this? This speaks from your soul. Is this spinach fettuccine?
- Lynn: Yes.
- Mr. Reuben: Lynn, you've made great strides here. You have combined the stylistic elements of Pollock, Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns.
- Lynn: Chef Boyardee.
- Mr. Reuben: Toadies. I love them.
- [the class laughs much to Lynn's embarrassment]
- [Lynn angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project]
- Lynn: You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
- ALF: Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
- Lynn: Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
- Kate: Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
- Lynn: That's what I thought at first.
- ALF: It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
- Lynn: Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
- ALF: I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
- Lynn: Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
- ALF: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
- Willie: You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
- ALF: And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
- Lynn: This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
- ALF: Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
- Lynn: What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
- ALF: You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
Gimme That Old Time Religion [4.17]
[edit]- Willie: I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
- Lynn: You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
- Willie: No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.
- Brian [reading the first question] What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
- ALF: Burp down wind.
- Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."
Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades [4.18]
[edit]- ALF: I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
- Willie: ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
- ALF: Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
- Lynn: ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
- Brian: ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
- ALF: Your hair was the least of your problems.
- Kate: ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
- ALF: Prove it. Put the house in my name.
When I'm 64 [4.19]
[edit]- ALF: Oh, please, Willie? Stay home. We'll order out. It'll be my treat. By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday? I seem to have misplaced your credit card.
- Willie: For the last time, no, ALF.
- ALF: [while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.
Mr. Sandman [4.20]
[edit]- Willie: My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
- ALF: You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
- ALF: [while digging for a treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]
Stayin' Alive [4.21]
[edit]- Brian: And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?
- ALF: Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.
- Brian: Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.
- ALF: What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!
- ALF: [reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."
Hungry Like the Wolf [4.22]
[edit]- Kate: ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.
- ALF: Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?
- ALF: [acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.
I Gotta Be Me [4.23]
[edit]- ALF: You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.
- Willie: Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.
- ALF: Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.
- ALF: Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.
Consider Me Gone [4.24]
[edit]- ALF: [reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.
- [last scene of the series]
- Willie: Safe home, my friend.
- ALF: No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
- [a light shines on ALF]
- Willie: ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
- [a group of vans come]
- ALF: What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
- [a group of officers come]
- Brian: ALF! Dad, do something!
- Officer: Stay right where you are!
- ALF: [last lines] Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
- [the final episode ends with a group of officers surrounding ALF]
