ALF (season 4)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.


Baby, Come Back [4.01][edit]

Willie: Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
ALF: Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
Willie: When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
Willie: We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
ALF: Attica! Attica! Attica!
Kate: ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
ALF: But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
Willie: My, you are blessed, aren't you?
Kate: As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
ALF: But why? Why?
Kate: Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.

ALF: Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!

Lies [4.02][edit]

ALF: [comes out with a tabloid] Hi.
Kate: Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
ALF: I'm too depressed to eat.
Willie: What's wrong?
ALF: Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
Willie: [reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
ALF: Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Kate: Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
ALF: Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.

Brian: [reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"
ALF: That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.

Wanted: Dead or Alive [4.03][edit]

ALF: [walks up to Lynn while she's watching TV] Mind if I change the channel?
Lynn: Shh, I'm watching something.
ALF: Thanks. You're a champ. Hand me the remote.
Lynn: No.
ALF: But I've seen this before. The guy gets gang hoofed by a bunch of really stupid cows.
Lynn: Would you be quiet? You're not getting your way just because you spoiled the end of my movie.
ALF: I didn't spoil it. But Crime Stoppers is on.
Lynn: I am not watching Crime Stoppers again.
ALF: What's wrong with a show that asks its viewers to hunt down dangerous felons for a buck?
Lynn: It's base and demeaning.
ALF: Well, excuse me, Miss Brideshead Revisited.
Lynn: Okay. Here. You win. You always win. [leaves and gives ALF the remote]
ALF: Nice kid, but she's got no taste.
TV Announcer: Our next suspect has left a trail of broken hearts and empty bank accounts, all across this country.
ALF: Not another TV evangelist.
TV Announcer: Our suspect is wanted for polygamy and fraud. He was last seen in Tallahassee 7 years ago after marrying at least 8 different women and bilking them out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. Have you seen him?
ALF: Yeah! He's in the kitchen.

ALF: [after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.

We're in the Money [4.04][edit]

Willie: Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
Kate: [reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
Willie: Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
Kate: Well, it's got to be a mistake.
Willie: Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
Kate: Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.

Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

Mind Games [4.05][edit]

[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
Willie: Well, what's your professional opinion?
Larry: He's bored.
Willie: But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
Larry: Maybe boredom.
Kate: That's it?
Larry: Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
Kate: He needs to be muzzled.
Willie: He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
Kate: He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
Larry: It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
Kate: So, what do we do?
Larry: Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
Kate: What if it doesn't?
Larry: We'll have dessert.

Willie: [while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
Larry: You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
Willie: Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
Larry: Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Kate: In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
Willie: Do you think you can help?
Larry: Trust me. I'm a professional.
Kate: The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.

Hooked on a Feeling [4.06][edit]

ALF: [looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton]

ALF: I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember 1 night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
Willie: I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
ALF: But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
Willie: Sometimes I feel like I am.
ALF: But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
Willie: You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
ALF: Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.

He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother [4.07][edit]

Willie: [comes in the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.
ALF: Subtle, but it makes a point.
Willie: I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.
ALF: It's in English. What don't you understand?
Willie: [reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
ALF: I love when you read to me.
Willie: You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?
ALF: Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?
Willie: If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.
ALF: Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.
Willie: I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.
ALF: He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.

Willie: I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
ALF: Obviously not clear enough.
Kate: What exactly did this note say, ALF?
ALF: Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Willie: You signed my name?
ALF: Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face [4.08][edit]

Willie: Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
Neal: [offscreen] Willie, you up there?
Willie: I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
ALF: Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]

[ALF and Neal are playing chess]
Neal: So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
ALF: Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
Neal: Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
ALF: Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
Neal: Oh.
ALF: You sure you've never played this game before?
Neal: No, this is my first time.
ALF: Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.

Live and Let Die [4.09][edit]

Willie: [comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
Kate: What is it?
Willie: I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
Kate: Lucky? Oh no.
ALF: So, what's the bad news?
Willie: That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
Kate: Well honey, what happened?
Willie: Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
Kate: Poor Lucky.
ALF: [after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?

Lynn: [praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
ALF: Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Kate: ALF!
ALF: Hey, they were his words!

Break Up to Make Up [4.10][edit]

[Lynn is showing ALF 2 drawings on the board]
ALF: Okay, okay. We've got a clock and a bird. Bird watch! A bird watching. That's it! Let's eat! Are you sure? Watch bird. Watch bird. [Lynn draws an arrow] One flew over the cuckoo's nest. [Lynn grunts and points to ALF a clock and a bird] That's my final answer, make it work. Oh, come on, what else could it be? [timer dings]
Lynn: What about time flies?
ALF: What about a halfway decent clue?

ALF: Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.

Happy Together [4.11][edit]

Neal: ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here. I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you about your amazing life.
ALF: Well, what do you want to know?
Neal: Well, how far away was Melmac?
ALF: Well, that's a toughie. In feet? Pretty far, I guess.
Neal: Well, what solar system was it in?
ALF: I don't know. This may be a good time to tell you. I was a PE major.

Neal: [after turning off the music as there is a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
ALF: Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
Neal: ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
ALF: I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Neal: I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!

Fever [4.12][edit]

Willie: [to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
ALF: Impossible. I told you before, Melmackians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
Kate: Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
ALF: Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.

Kate: [as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
Willie: How are you feeling?
ALF: Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
Kate: You sound awful.
Willie: Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
Kate: Willie.
ALF: But I really am feeling worse!
Willie: My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
ALF: Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]

It's My Party [4.13][edit]

Kate: It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!

[Willie ties ALF outside after seeing him in the room dancing]
ALF: Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
Willie: Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
ALF: Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!

Make 'em Laugh [4.14][edit]

ALF: [dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the 2nd one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]

ALF: [talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
Willie: [he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
ALF: Whoa!
Willie: You're alright?
ALF: Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Willie: Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
ALF: Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
Kate: Thanks, AL.
ALF: What?
Kate: You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
Willie: [does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
ALF: No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.

Love on the Rocks [4.15][edit]

Lynn: [while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
ALF: Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
Lynn: ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
ALF: Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
Lynn: It's not a comedy.
ALF: Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the 1st torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
Lynn: I'm tied to a stake!
ALF: You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
Lynn: No.
ALF: Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.

ALF: [answers the phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
Neal: Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
ALF: Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
Neal: Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
ALF: What?!
Neal: Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
ALF: But, Neal.
Margaret: [offscreen] Honey?
Neal: Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
ALF: But, Neal, wait! Don't, hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.

True Colors [4.16][edit]

ALF: Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the 1st rich man to come along.

Lynn: [comes home from school angrily] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
ALF: Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
Lynn: Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
Kate: Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
Lynn: That's what I thought at first.
ALF: It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
Lynn: Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
ALF: I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
Lynn: Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
ALF: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
Willie: You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
ALF: And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
Lynn: This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
ALF: Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
Lynn: What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
ALF: You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.

Gimme That Old Time Religion [4.17][edit]

Willie: I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
Lynn: You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
Willie: No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.

Lynn: [when she and Brian come home] Hi, ALF.
Brian: How was your 1st day as a minister?
ALF: Well, come, my flock. It's time for me to hear your sins and earn a couple of bucks on the side.
Lynn: Oh, gee. I have the periodic table of elements to memorize. Otherwise, I'd find something else. [leaves]

Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades [4.18][edit]

ALF: I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
Willie: ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
ALF: Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.

Lynn: ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
Brian: ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me 1 thing: did I have all my hair?
ALF: Your hair was the least of your problems.
Kate: ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
ALF: Prove it. Put the house in my name.

When I'm 64 [4.19][edit]

ALF: Oh, please, Willie? Stay home. We'll order out. It'll be my treat. By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday? I seem to have misplaced your credit card.
Willie: For the last time, no, ALF.

ALF: [while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.

Mr. Sandman [4.20][edit]

Willie: My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
ALF: You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
Kate: Foam?
ALF: Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
Kate: So it runs in the family.
ALF: Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
Willie: Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
Lynn: Look what I found in the canteen.
Willie: What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
ALF: It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!

ALF: [while digging for a treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]

Stayin' Alive [4.21][edit]

Brian: And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?
ALF: Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.
Brian: Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.
ALF: What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!

ALF: [reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."

Hungry Like the Wolf [4.22][edit]

Kate: ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.
ALF: Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?

ALF: [acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.

I Gotta Be Me [4.23][edit]

ALF: You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.
Willie: Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.
ALF: Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.

ALF: Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.

Consider Me Gone [4.24][edit]

ALF: [reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.

[last scene of the series]
Willie: Safe home, my friend.
ALF: No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
Willie: ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
ALF: What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[a group of officers come]
Brian: ALF! Dad, do something!
Officer: Stay right where you are!
ALF: [last lines] Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends with a group of officers surrounding ALF]

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