ALF (season 1)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.



A.L.F. [1.01]

[first scene of the series]
Willie: This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.
Kate: Why don't you just shut it off?
Willie: I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.
Kate: Willie, what's that?
Willie: Oh, my gosh! It can't be.
Kate: The lights! What happened to the lights?
Brian: Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?
Lynn: What's going on?
Willie: It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.

ALF: Can I make a suggestion?
Willie: Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]
ALF: Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.
Kate: It talks.
Brian: It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.
ALF: Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!

[ALF is in the living room with Brian watching TV]
Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
Woman on TV: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
ALF: Brillant! This and the letter "I" in 1 day. I gotta get something to drink.
Brian: Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]
Kate: Where are you two going?
Brian: We've got to get something to drink.
ALF: We're parched.
Kate: Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.
ALF: Yes, ma'am.
Brian: Yes, ma'am.
ALF: Geez, what's with the warden?
[sounds of can opening and Brian and ALF come out with a drink in their hand]
Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!
Kate: What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]
ALF: Hey, careful. His is still full.
Kate: Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from.
ALF: Melmac.
Kate: What?
ALF: Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Kate: What do you mean was?
ALF: Well that's the thing Kate. Ma'am. Melmac's history.
Kate: Are you trying to tell me you that you can’t go back to Melmac?
ALF: It exploded. [pause] This was my street. Now if Willie fixes my spaceship, I suppose I could start a new life somewhere else on some desolate crater field asteroid spend the rest of my life sending off gamma rays.
Brian: No ALF. No, we want you to stay here with us. Don't we mom?
Kate: Brian please try to understand.
ALF: Hey. The kid wants me to stay.
Kate: ALF, do you mind?
ALF: Yeah, no problem.
Kate: We can't hide out forever and I can’t go on like this watching him every moment wondering what he's going to do next.
[ALF burps and picks up the beer and slides it away]
Brian: But he'll be good he won't break the rules anymore. Will you ALF?
ALF: Cross my heart. [sees Lucky roaming around the living room] How are you doing Lucky? See? no problem.

Strangers in the Night [1.02]

Delivery Man: Pizza Barge! 1 super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.
Raquel: I don't understand.
Delivery Man: Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.
Raquel: No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.
Delivery Man: Lady, it's already paid for, house account.
Raquel: [grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case.
Delivery Man: [holding out hand] What about my tip?
Raquel: [gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?
Delivery Man: Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!
Raquel closes door
Raquel: In some states I can still make a phone call.

ALF: [voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?
Burglar: Who said that?
ALF: I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: It must be one of them talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[the burglar screams falls down to the ground from the Willie and Kate's bedroom]
Raquel: [gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.
Willie: So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.
Raquel: I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!
Kate: Police?
Raquel: Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.
Kate: Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.
Lynn: Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?
Raquel: I prefer scotch.
[Willie and Kate run up to their room]

Looking for Lucky [1.03]

ALF: [trying to hynotize Lucky] Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are getting sleepy. You are no longer a cat, you are a bagel.
Willie: Hey ALF?
ALF: Woah. You scared me. You ought to wear a bell.
Willie: What's going on here?
ALF: [holding Willie's watch] Uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time. Show Willie what you've learned.
Willie: You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?
ALF: Okay, you caught us. I'm trying to help Lucky with a smoking problem.
Willie: All right, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rules of the house. Rule #1: We do not eat members of the family.
ALF: Willie, Willie, Willie. Lucky and I were just kidding around.
Willie: Look, I've got to go pick up Kate and the kids. While I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain from kidding lucky.
ALF: No problem.
Willie: I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms. It's broken.
ALF: Lucky fell on it. You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.
Willie: Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him. You're not a bagel. You're not a bagel!
ALF: But you are getting sleepy. Just kidding! [laughs]

ALF: There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.

Pennsylvania 6-5000 [1.04]

ALF: Hey, um, I was wondering: what does 'FBI' stand for?
Willie: The Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Pauses, suspicously] Why?
ALF: Just curious. [Turns away]

[doorbell rings]
Kate: Who am I gonna call at 4am?
Willie: I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]
FBI Man 1: Howdy.
Willie: Hi.
FBI Man 1: Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?
Willie: Speaking.
FBI Man 1: Excellent.
FBI Man 2: FBI.
FBI Man 1: [turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.
Lynn: Daddy!
Kate: What are you doing?
Willie: Kate!
Brian: Mommy, make them stop!
Kate: [sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.
FBI Man 1: We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.
FBI Man 2: We'll take this, too.
Willie: Not my chart!
FBI Man 2: Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]
Kate: Why are you doing this?
FBI Man 2: It's the law, ma'am.
FBI Man 1: This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.
Willie: [from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.
Lynn: Mom! What did he do?
Kate: I don't know.
ALF: What's going on out here?
Brian: Daddy's been arrested.
ALF: Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.

[Kate sees Willie in jail]
Kate: I can't believe ALF used your shortwave to call the president?
Willie: Shhh! All I know is somebody used my radio. I'm a criminal. They'll hang me.
Kate: Willie, stop! It's obvious your going to have to tell the truth.
Willie: Of course, the truth. I'll just explain to them. An alien took control of my radio. "And why did he do that?" they'll ask and I'll say "I wouldn't let him use the phone."
Kate: Maybe we can clear it up, without I'll him telling the truth.
Willie: The truth is I never should have let ALF anywhere near my-
Kate: Maybe it was wrong of ALF to call the president.
Willie: [sarcastic] Maybe?
Kate: Okay, it was wrong. But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.
Willie: It's commendable that he's willing to send me to jail for his beliefs.
Kate: At least he cares about something other than food.
Willie: Great. Now he cares about nuclear war and food.
FBI Man: [walks over to Kate] Sorry ma'am, I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.
Kate: [walks away] Willie, I'll be right back. I'll check on the lawyer. You wait here. [reappears] Right, sorry. [leaves]
FBI Man: Good afternoon, ALF. I need to talk with you about this. Just who are these people and why all they on the phone all the time?

Keepin' the Faith [1.05]

Willie: Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.
ALF: [pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?
Willie: We're having a family meeting.
ALF: Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.
ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian: Curley was a senator once.
ALF: True. And Mo was speaker of the house.
Willie: Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.
ALF: Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]
Willie: We'd like to get back to our meeting.
ALF: Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.
Willie: It's about, it's about our family budget.
ALF: What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?
Willie: No ALF, nobody thought---
ALF: Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?
Willie: ALF.
ALF: Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?
Willie: ALF, you can come to the meeting.
ALF: No thanks. [ducks down from the window]

ALF: I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
Willie: No one thinks you're a parasite.
ALF: Or a freeloader!
Willie: Well, freeloader's closer.
Brian: What about a sponger?
Kate: Where did you hear that?
Brian: That's what you called him last week!
ALF: Oh, I see.
Kate: Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
ALF: Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]

For Your Eyes Only [1.06]

[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]
ALF: Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.
Kate: [offscreen] Be right there.
ALF: [singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!
Willie: Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?
ALF: Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!
Kate: Well ALF, this is all very nice.
Willie: Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-
ALF: Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.
Kate: ALF!
ALF: The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Lynn: [walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?
Willie: It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.
ALF: Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?
Lynn: Aren't you two going out tonight?
ALF: What?
Kate: Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.
Willie: The tickets were very hard to get.
Kate: We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.
Willie: And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
ALF: Play-doh.
Willie: That's it.
ALF: The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.

[ALF gets ready to meet Jody]
Jody: ALF, hi! I'm Jody.
ALF: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Jody: Please, you don't have to bow.

Help Me, Rhonda [1.07]

Brian: Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
ALF: No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Brian: 7.
Lynn: How old are you, ALF?
ALF: 229, in August.
Brian: Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
ALF: Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Kate: Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Brian: Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Willie: Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
Brian: Who are they?
Lynn: People mom and dad went to school with.
Willie: Perhaps those outdated examples.
ALF: Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Kate: Ruth?
Willie: The 2-headed nurse?
ALF: Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Kate: Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
Brian: I can't decide right now.
ALF: If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Kate: Fine.
ALF: Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Brian: Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
ALF: Ah! Yeah!
Brian: Yeah!
ALF: Ha!

[ALF is dreaming in Melmac with his friends]
Skipper: Hey, hey, hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.
ALF: Thanks, Skipper.
Rick: Hey Gordon. You got a date later?
ALF: Maybe. Maybe not.
Skipper and Rick: He's got a date!
Rhonda: Alright, who gets the chili cat?
Skipper: Hey, over here, cutie.
Rhonda: Phelonion fries, no gravy.
Rick: Right here!
Rhonda: Whisker omelet, tail on the side.
ALF: Yo!
Rhonda: Happy birthday, big boy!
ALF: Thanks!
Skipper: I think she likes you, big boy!
Rick: She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.
Skipper: She is no Rhonda.
ALF: What about Rhonda?
Rick: Come on! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.
ALF: Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
[ALF's dream ends]

Willie: [while setting up Brian's birthday] Okay, there. There we go. What do you think Bri?
Brian: [feeling depressed] It's the worst day of my life.
Kate: Bri, we know how much ALF means to you. Honey, he wants to be with his old friends again.
ALF: Am I interrupting something?
Willie: Not really, we were just hanging up this happy birthday sign. Brian is about to cry.

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? [1.08]

Lynn: So when is the next Demon concert?
Scott: Oh, we are no longer the Demons.
Lynn: Why not?
Scott: Some other band had that name so we changed ours.
Scott holds up a drum
Lynn: Wasn't there a band called the Doors?

Kate: Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
ALF: [burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Kate: Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Lynn: Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
Brian: New boyfriend, huh?
Lynn: Not yet.
ALF: Boyfriend?
Lynn: You should see him, he's gorgeous.
ALF: Better-looking than me?
Lynn: He has darker hair. And less of it.
ALF: I see.
Lynn: Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Willie: Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Lynn: Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
ALF: Tonight?
Lynn: Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
ALF: I thought we had a date.
Willie: You and Lynn have a date?
ALF: We're gonna redecorate my room.
Lynn: I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
ALF: I see.
Lynn: Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Kate: Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Lynn: Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
ALF: I see.
Lynn: Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
Willie: I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Lynn: Thanks, dad. Mom.
Kate: Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Lynn: Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
ALF: Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Willie: Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
ALF: Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.

[Willie comes to the garage and sees ALF with a piano]
Willie: ALF.
ALF: What?
Willie: I thought the rule was you would ask before you use my tools.
ALF: Sorry. May I?
Willie: Yes, you may.
ALF: See, you're still in charge.
Willie: What do you need the tools for anyway?
ALF: I'm trying to fix Scott's piano. He must have broken it when he dragged it in here.
Willie: ALF, you have to turn it on.
ALF: Oh.
Willie: Didn't you learn about electronic music on Melmac?
ALF: Ancient history wasn't my best subject.
Willie: What are you doing here anyway?
ALF: Well, I wrote a poem for someone and, I wanna put it to music.
Willie: Well, as you may, or may not know many people think I am musically inclined.
ALF: Name 3?
Willie: I don't think I have to name names. May I see the poem? [reads a poem that ALF wrote] "Take a look at me and tell me what you see just another pretty face." It's very amusing.
ALF: Then there's the chorus.
Willie: "I can't get no satisfaction." Shouldn't that be I can't get any satisfaction?
ALF: [grabs the poem] Forget it, that's an old draft. Now, let's wail. Aiming something in the key of D.
Willie: May I suggest the key of E flat? It's more euphonious.
ALF: Great. We need more euphoniousness.

[Lynn and Scott arrive home]
Lynn: Scott, you are so funny. Singing into a parking mirror like it was a microphone.
Scott: Yeah, I guess it was kinda cute.
Lynn: And then when you tapped the meter and said [imitating Scott] "Is this on?" I thought I was gonna die.
Scott: Yeah, well, I've been glad to give you mouth to mouth.
ALF: What a yutz!
Scott: You know, Lynn, I had a nice time tonight, that's no joke.
Lynn: Me too.
Scott: I really would like to see you again. Are you free next Friday?
ALF: [from the window] No.
Scott: Who was that?
Lynn: My dad.
Scott: Your dad? He seemed like such a nice guy.
ALF: [voiceover] Hey, zit face go home and make a Clearasil sandwich.
Lynn: Well, he's a little tired.
ALF: [voiceover] How about it sequoia neck? You're gonna walk or do I turn on the hose?
Scott: Look, Lynn, I'd better go. I don't wanna get this jacket wet.
Lynn: No, uh, no, Scott...
Scott: He sounds like he means business here, really.
Lynn: Look, he may not even be talking about you. Maybe he's watching a movie, or fighting with my mom.
Scott: He calls your mom sequoia neck?
Lynn: Well, not very often.
ALF: [voiceover] Hit the road, Scott.
Scott: I think he means me, Lynn, see ya. [leaves because of ALF]
[Lynn angrily comes in when she found out that ALF was sabotaging her date with Scott]
ALF: Oh, hi, who won the game?
Lynn: [angrily turns off the TV] ALF, how dare you insult Scott?
Willie: [walks over to ALF and Lynn] What is all this yelling about?
ALF: I was just getting rid of a vagrant.
Lynn: He made Scott leave.
ALF: If I hadn't scared the guy away, he would've tried to kiss her.
Lynn: I was hoping he would. Well, just a small kiss.
ALF: That's the way it starts. First a small kiss, the next thing you know they're picking out drapes.
Lynn: What are you talking about?
Willie: I think I know.
ALF: Close your robe, Willie.
Willie: [closes his robe] ALF, ALF, I think it's time we discussed the facts of life as they apply to you, and our teenage daughter. Now, in case you don't know, girls Lynn's age, date teenage boys. I've learned to accept that. And I'm afraid, you're gonna have to do the same.
ALF: Fine. See if I care who she dates. And you could forget about the song.
Lynn: What song?
ALF: I said forget it.
Willie: ALF wrote you a song, and he made a video from it.
Lynn: ALF, you wrote me a song? [ALF nods his head yes] Dad, can I talk to ALF alone?
Willie: Yeah, sure. And in the morning, will you please call Scott? And tell him I didn't mean any of those things I said. Will you tell him I didn't say them?
ALF: Hey, get off my case, will you?
Willie: I have not begun to get on your case, mister. And if you think-
Lynn: Dad.
Willie: Get off my case. Who does he think he is? [he leaves]
ALF: The robe, Willie, the robe.
Lynn: ALF, can I see the video?
ALF: No. I've decided it's for Connie Chung.
Lynn: Are you sure I can't see it?
ALF: Well, just once. Turn on the VCR.
Lynn: [gets up and turns on the VCR] ALF, it's just a picture of the garage.
ALF: It's an establishing shot. Now pay attention.

[after ALF's song ended]
Lynn: ALF, I don't know what to say.
ALF: How about incredible?
Lynn: I can't believe you did this. Nobody has ever done anything this nice for me.
ALF: So you're going out with me Friday instead of Scott?
Lynn: One thing has nothing to do with the other. That's an entirely different subject.
ALF: I see.
Lynn: Don't start I seeing me again. I don't understand why you're so mad at me.
ALF: Well, maybe it's because I thought we, we were..
Lynn: Falling in love?
ALF: Yeah.
Lynn: I do love you, ALF. But not in that way.
ALF: Then what way?
Lynn: In a male-female relationship kind of way.
ALF: Oh, I see.
Lynn: ALF.
ALF: No, no, I really do. I mean, I see that, I'll have to understand that we're just friends.
Lynn: Good friends, special friends.
ALF: I understand.
Lynn: And how do you feel about this?
ALF: I'll get used to it.
Lynn: Thank you.
ALF: So, we're going out Friday night or what? Just kidding. Ha!
Lynn: ALF, you're the one that's out of this world.
[as Lynn kiss ALF, Kate comes out of the bathroom and gets shocked as the episode ends]

Jump [1.09]

Willie: To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
ALF: That was mine.
Willie: Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Kate: Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Brian: Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Willie: Thank you son.
Lynn: Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Willie: Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
ALF: Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Brian: Blow out the candles!
Willie: Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
ALF: Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
Kate: [offscreen] ALF!
ALF: What?

[Willie's graduation dream]
Willie: Where am I?
Dean Houseman: You're at your graduation.
Willie: What am I graduating from?
Dean Houseman: This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.
Willie: That sound like fun.
Dean Houseman: Would you mind standing off to the side? Nolan Westwood come on out and accept your diploma? Congratulations Nolan on being a successful unicyclist world traveler and New Guinea and Cape.
Nolan: Thank you here are some stamps and coins.
Willie: He is on the money to?
Dean Houseman: Tanner.
Nolan: Listen, I've got to go they're having a little ceremony for me back home I'm being bumped up from King to God
Willie: Congratulations Nolan.
Nolan: Thanks bud.
Dean Houseman: And now, our next recipient needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Namath! Just kidding, here you go, Joe.
Joe: Thanks, say what's going on here?
Dean Houseman: Willie's having a dream
Joe: Willie!
Willie: Hello Joe. I'm sorry to drag you into this.
Joe: Oh hey, that's cool I've been doing a lot of dreams lately. Next week, I'm doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.
Willie: Oh gee, Joe, you've done awfully well. Say, would you would you autograph this for my son, Brian?
Joe: Absolutely. [he signs on Willie's back] There you go.
Willie: Thanks Joe. "To Brian", "tell your mom hello."
Joe: You know what I always think about what Kate said when I proposed to her. Yeah and that's how I got the bad knees by the way kneeling. She said Broadway she always called me Broadway she said thanks but no thanks. I'm looking for someone that's predictable and safe. So long, Willie. [leaves as he plummets]
Willie: I'm going skydiving tomorrow.
Dean Houseman: I'm going skydiving tomorrow. You had your chance. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our man of the century. Someone whose accomplishments but the rest of us to shame. A person of whom it can truly be said he changed the way we look at the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon "ALF" Shumway.
[the three men come up to greet ALF]
Joe: Can I have your autograph?
ALF: Sure Joe.
Joe: Oh wait till my friends see this.
ALF: Oh there you go.
Joe: Thanks.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: Willie.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: Willie.
Willie: You're the man of the century?
ALF: Yeah, what a surprise. I was happy just to be nominated, what a kick!
Willie: Well congratulations.
ALF: Thanks. Hey Willie, you never know, next century it could be you.
Willie: I don't think so. Hey, come on, don't be so negative. All you have to do is take this parachute and jump Willie.
ALF: Jump, jump.
Everyone: Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. [they echo as Willie gets shocked]

Baby, You Can Drive My Car [1.10]

[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
Brian: ALF stole a car.
ALF: I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
Willie: I don't believe it.
ALF: It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
Lynn: I don't believe it!
ALF: It's true. Everybody wants red.
Kate: ALF, how did you buy this car?
ALF: I got it through my broker.
Willie: Broker? What broker?
ALF: The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Willie: Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
ALF: Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
Willie: You have gold?
ALF: Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
Willie: Uh-huh.
Lynn: ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
ALF: Aw, you're just saying that.
Lynn: No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
Willie: [reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Lynn: Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
ALF: The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
Brian: And check out these wheels.
ALF: Chrome. From Rome.
Kate: Oh, feel this leather.
ALF: Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Kate: Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
ALF: Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Lynn: Yeah, come on, dad.
Brian: Yeah, dad. Park it.
Willie: Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
Lynn: What?
Brian: Why not, dad?
ALF: Yeah, Willie, how come?
Willie: Because, it's wrong.
ALF: [mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Willie: Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
ALF: 90.
Willie: $90,000.
ALF: What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
Willie: That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
ALF: I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Lynn: Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
ALF: You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
Willie: It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
ALF: Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
Willie: No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
ALF: Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
Willie: Joel.

[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]
Lynn: [finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?
ALF: Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.
Willie: Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!
ALF: I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.
Willie: Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.
Kate: Now, Willie, calm down.
Willie: May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
ALF: There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.
Kate: There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.
Willie: Look at what you've done!
ALF: Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.
Willie: And how do you propose to do that?
ALF: Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.
Willie: You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
ALF: Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.
Kate: That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
Willie: I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.
ALF: Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.
Willie: The hedge?
Kate: [walks away] I'll get it.
Man: Mr. Tanner!
ALF: Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?
Willie: I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]
Lynn: ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?
ALF: Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.
Lynn: I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]
ALF: I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]

On the Road Again [1.11]

ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate: Why?
ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
ALF: Rules, rules, rules.
Willie: Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.
Kate: Fine. What was the question?
Willie: Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.
Kate: Oh, San Diego sounds fine. But, what about ALF?
Willie: We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.
ALF: I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
Kate: Just toss it out.
ALF: The hair or the peanut butter?
Kate: Both!
ALF: No problem!
Kate: Why don't I believe that?
Willie: Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.
Kate: Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.
Willie: Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.
Kate: What are we going to do about-
ALF: [as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!
Kate: ALF!
Willie: Oh, no!
ALF: [inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!

[after a thunder boom]
ALF: Welcome back.
Kate: Chutes and Ladders anyone?
Willie: I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
Kate: You're not going out there?
Willie: I'll cook under the awning.
ALF: Need some help bobbing for firewood?
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
Willie: You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
Lynn: Dad!
Willie: There's the door!
Kate: Willie!
ALF: You want me to go? I'll go!
Willie: Fine, go!
ALF: Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
Brian: ALF, don't!
ALF: Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Lynn: ALF!
Kate: Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
ALF: I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]

Oh, Tannerbaum [1.12]

Kate: Oh Willie, I want to see this. Look. Here, the very first Christmas card we ever got.
Willie: From our good friends at the gas company.
Kate: Oh that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed late and-
Willie: Was too cold to get up. Our friends of the gas company turned off the heat.
ALF: [comes in the Willie and Kate's bedroom] Merry Christmas! [rattles]
Willie: He knows when we're awake.
ALF: It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!
Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!
Kate: While you two get these holidays straighten out, I think I'll just go make breakfast.
ALF: Not necessary. I already made breakfast. Sloppy joes and fiber glass.
Kate: I'll just go find the eggs.
Willie: Why did you make us breakfast?
ALF: Because of the list.
Willie: What list?
ALF: Santa's. You know the fat guy that dresses in velvet. I found out that he watches everything you do right sit down and if you're naughties outnumber your nice is you don't get toys.
Willie: So you made us breakfast? Can't hurt. Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.
Kate: [voiceover] Willie! Our Christmas tree!
Willie: ALF, what have you done?
ALF: I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Willie: ALF! You cut our tree in the firewood! [looks at the chopped tree that ALF cutted]
ALF: You're welcome. [rattles]

Willie: [wakes up from his and ALF's dream] What's going on here?
ALF: Nothing. I just loaded a tree into the car.
Willie: Where did you get it?
ALF: Think Willie, where do we get trees?
Willie: You mean you went out into the woods and cut down this tree for me?
ALF: Isn't that what we came here for?
Willie: ALF, I don't know what to say.
ALF: Well you better say it quick. There's a forest ranger headed this way. He must have heard the chainsaw.
Willie: At least we're going to get help. And we're going to get home and we're going. And we're going to get fine.
ALF: [as snow begins to snow] Willie! Willie! Look!
Willie: It's snow.
ALF: Snow! I finally get to see snow!
Forest Ranger: [voiceover] You in there! I wanna talk to you about that tree!
Willie: Merry Christmas ALF! [covers him with a blanket]
ALF: [covered inside a blanket] Merry Christmas Willie.
Willie: Yes? [gets out of the car]

Mother and Child Reunion [1.13]

[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Kate: Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
ALF: Grandma?
Willie: Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
ALF: What brings her out this way?
Kate: ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
ALF: All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
Willie: Just GO!
Lynn: [she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
ALF: Grandma!
Brian: Where is she?
ALF: They're making her stand outside.
Willie: GET OUT!
Lynn: GO!
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
Kate: Mom! Go in!
Dorothy: Are you sure?

[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]
ALF: Hi, Grandma!
Dorothy: Oh my god!
ALF: Have a seat.
Dorothy: Who are you? What are you?
ALF: A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?
Dorothy: I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.
ALF: Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]

A Little Bit of Soap [1.14]

[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Willie: Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
ALF: To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Willie: Give me the hammer.
ALF: Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
Lynn: [she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
ALF: Have you practiced the poem?
Lynn: Yes, ALF, but I-
ALF: But nothing. Let's hear it.
Lynn and Brian: Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
ALF: Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
Kate: [comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
ALF: I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
Kate: [looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
ALF: If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
Willie: How very thoughtful of you.
ALF: And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
Dorothy: [walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF: Why not?
Willie: ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
ALF: You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.

[ALF puts a clothes pin on himself and screams]
Willie: [comes in] ALF, are you alright?
ALF: Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
Willie: Why? Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?
ALF: It's a form of acupressure. On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Willie: Still having trouble with the script thing?
ALF: Huh. Read it yourself.
Willie: [reads the script] Scene 1, interior, living root. Interior, living root.
ALF: It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got 8 fingers.
Willie: I'm sorry. Monica enters. She says, good morning. Well, what's wrong with that?
ALF: Willie, there's no one else in the room with her. I've got the woman talking to chairs. I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.
Willie: Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.
ALF: Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. Relax? Sure, relax. I've got a deadline. I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.
Willie: You know, I had a case of writer's block once. I was writing a term paper for my art history class. Or was it my comparative religion class?
ALF: What! Are you dictating your autobiography?
Willie: I'm trying to help here.
ALF: Go back in the house.
Willie: I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there. Who aren't speaking to each other, or to me, or to you. In fact, ALF, you've written us into this mess. Now you've got to write us out.
ALF: Alright. Alright. I will. Put on another pot of coffee. [as Willie leaves the garage, he puts another clothes pin on himself and screams again] And get some more clothespins.

I've Got a New Attitude [1.15]

[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]
Willie: Watch out for that table.
Kate: Oh. I see it.
Willie: I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.
Kate: Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.
ALF: Heavy?
Willie: Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
ALF: Would you mind licking this stamp?
Willie: Can't you lick that yourself?
ALF: Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Willie: Where did you get the chocolate?
ALF: It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
Willie: I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.
Kate: Oh, Willie, that's sweet.
Willie: He ate the whole box.
ALF: Whining is not going to bring it back!
Kate: Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.
ALF: Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.

Dorothy: Am I wearing a sign that says kick me?
ALF: No, but that can be arranged. Willie, get the staple gun! Ha!
Dorothy: I am in no mood for you.
ALF: [under his breath] What a coincidence.

Try to Remember [1.16-1.17]

ALF: If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
Lynn: We don't have a whirling hot tub.
ALF: I know, I'm gonna improvise.
Lynn: Any mail for me?
Kate: Nope, sorry.
ALF: Any mail for me?
Kate: Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.
ALF: Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.
Lynn: You're a member of the auto club?
ALF: I like the magazine.
Kate: Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.
ALF: Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.
Kate: Go take your bath.
ALF: Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]
Kate: I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.
Lynn: He was wearing a shower cap.
Kate: Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?
Lynn: He said something about a whirling hot tub.
ALF: [gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!
Kate: ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?
ALF: ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]

Willie: What's going on here?
Kate: ALF is an insurance agent.
Brian: You got a job?
Lynn: No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.
Willie: Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.
ALF: Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?
Willie: Yes.
ALF: We don't cover hot tubs.

Willie: I can't believe that you called the police!
ALF: What goes around, comes around.
Kate: What are we gonna do when the police come here?
ALF: Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?
Willie: Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!
ALF: Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-
The Tanners: Life and Casualty.
ALF: Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.
Willie: I already know what's like, thanks to you.

ALF: [after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.
Kate: Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!
ALF: Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?
Lynn: Come on, ALF. You'd better go.
ALF: Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]

Border Song [1.18]

[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Willie: Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
Luis: Lynn!
Lynn: Have we met?
Willie: He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
Lynn: You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
Kate: What's the matter with it?
Lynn: I look like the village idiot.
Kate: Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
Willie: People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Brian: Hi!
Kate: Luis, it's good to have you here.
Willie: Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Brian: Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
Lynn: Brian!
Brian: A-L-F.
Willie: I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Kate: Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Brian: Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]

Willie: ALF, we have to talk.
ALF: Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
Willie: What is this?
ALF: Space Invaders.
Willie: What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?
ALF: You're in a mood!
Willie: Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
ALF: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
Willie: So, you're giving up gardening?
ALF: Not giving it up. Just switching crops.
Willie: Oh, to what?
Kate: [offscreen] Willie!
ALF: Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!

Wild Thing [1.19]

ALF: Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Willie: Inside the shower.
ALF: Thanks! [exits the living room]
Lynn: He wouldn't.
Willie: He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
ALF: [reappears in the living room] Found her!
Willie: ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
ALF: I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
Willie: I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
ALF: Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
Lynn: [angrily] ALF!
ALF: They'll call back.
Kate: [angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
ALF: Do what again?
Kate: You know what!
Lynn: ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
ALF: You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Lynn: Oh I know I got-
ALF: Did you used to have a moustache?
Lynn: No. I got my braces off.
ALF: Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
Kate: ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
ALF: Today is March the 1st.
Willie: You better not be finished.
ALF: I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Lynn: I'm calling Mindy back.
ALF: Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
Brian: What?
ALF: I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
Willie: How dramatic is this change?
ALF: One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Willie: I have one.
ALF: You in the tie.
Willie: What cage?
ALF: Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.

[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
Brian: [inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Willie: Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
Lynn: You'd hardly know it was ALF.
Brian: [inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Willie: Nice try.
Kate: Honey, maybe it is Brian.
Willie: But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Kate: Brian!!
Brian: What?!!
Willie: Not you. Brian!!
Brian: What?!!
Lynn: I'll go check his room.
Kate: Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Willie: Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
Brian: [inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Willie: Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
Brian: Spaghetti.
Willie: Uh, that's ridiculous.
Kate: No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
Willie: I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Kate: No
Willie: No?
Kate: No
Lynn: He's not back there.
Willie: Say, what's your favourite food?
Lynn: I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
Willie: I thought you liked spaghetti.
Lynn: It's alright.
Willie: Alright?
Lynn: It's fine.
Kate: Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
Willie: No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Brian: What's a maiden name?
Willie: Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
Brian: Kate.
Willie: No, her other name. Her last name.
Brian: Halligan.
Kate: Oh, Brian! Honey!
Willie: Are you all right?
Lynn: What happened to ALF?
Brian: I let him go.
Kate: Oh, honey.
Lynn: I'll go check out back.
Willie: Brian, why?
Brian: He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Kate: Oh, honey, it's all right. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
Brian: I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
Willie: No, I don't think so, Brian.
Lynn: The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Willie: Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Kate: Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Lynn: I can't sleep now.
Brian: I'm hungry.
Kate: Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
Lynn and Brian: Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.

Going Out of My Head Over You [1.20]

[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]
Willie: What are you doing?
ALF: Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.
Willie: Well, since when do you sleep standing up?
ALF: Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.
Willie: You look ridiculous.
ALF: Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.
Willie: How do you know how I look when I sleep?
ALF: I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.
Willie: I don't like you doing that.
ALF: Well, hey, you were watching me.
Willie: I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you- [yells as he steps on a tack] Aahh!
ALF: Oh, good, it works.
Willie: ALF, there are tacks on the floor.
ALF: It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.
Willie: I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?
ALF: Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.
Willie: You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?
ALF: I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.
Willie: I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on another tack as he leaves]

[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Larry: Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Willie: Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
ALF: No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
Willie: [burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
ALF: I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
Willie: No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
ALF: Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Willie: Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
ALF: Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Willie: Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
ALF: Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
Willie: That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF: I win.
Kate: ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
ALF: Well, I was ahead on points.
Willie: That's not true.
Larry: Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Willie: Move out?
ALF: Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Lynn: Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Kate: Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
Larry: You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
Willie: ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Larry: Why not?
Willie: Because people would find him out.
Larry: Why do you care?
Willie: Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Larry: Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Willie: Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
ALF: Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
Willie: You appreciated all of that?
ALF: Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Willie: Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Larry: Hey, see what a little communication can do?
ALF: Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Kate: That's a good idea.
Lynn: Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Willie: Well, alright, to-
ALF: Communication.
Willie: Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.

Lookin' Through the Windows [1.21]

[Willie comes in his and Kate's room and sees ALF watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]
ALF: Hey! Pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.
Willie: What are you doing?
ALF: Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.
Willie: ALF, you're not supposed to watch through their windows. Find something else to do.
ALF: Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.
Willie: We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?
ALF: In this heat?
Willie: You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.
ALF: Well, I could.
Willie: Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?
ALF: This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.
Willie: I don't like you taking my clothes and [takes his opera glasses away from ALF] I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors!
ALF: Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury!
Willie: Deal. [goes in the bathroom]
ALF: Hey! Would you knock off the sax?

Willie: [wakes up and finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?
ALF: Don't ask.
Kate: What are you talking about?
ALF: I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.
Willie: ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.
ALF: Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.
Willie: Oh, come on.
ALF: I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Willie: Maybe you misinterpreted things.
ALF: Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
Kate: ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb.
Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate: Yes, they do.
ALF: They do? Can we go over?
Willie: Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.
ALF: So you're saying I'm crazy?
Willie: I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
ALF: Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Willie: The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.
ALF: He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.

[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
ALF: Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
Lynn: ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Willie: What happened?
Kate: ALF!
ALF: Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
Lynn: ALF, what were you screaming about?
ALF: It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
Brian: I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
ALF: Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Kate: Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
Willie: That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
ALF: Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Lynn: Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
ALF: Yes, please. Forever.
Willie: Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
ALF: I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Kate: Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
Lynn: Good night, ALF.
Willie: [voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
ALF: Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.

ALF: [on the phone] Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to? Oh, jolly good. I'm doing a survey for the BBC and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions. Super. First off, what would you say is the difference between American and British television? Uh-huh. [Kate goes up to him] Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek. Question number 2. Did you kill your wife?
Kate: ALF!
ALF: Got to go, the queen just dropped by. [hangs up the phone]
Kate: What were you doing?
ALF: Just some impressions.
Kate: You were harassing Trevor.
ALF: Kate, I saw the man bury his wife in the backyard last night.
Kate: Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.
ALF: No, this WAS REAL. Look, I took these pictures.
Kate: These are all black.
ALF: You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.
Kate: ALF, please, please, just give your imagination a rest.
ALF: Justice never rests.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it. [walks off]

It Isn't Easy Bein' Green [1.22]

Willie: Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
Brian: I stink. Spencer says so.
Willie: What do you care what Spencer says?
Brian: Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Willie: Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
ALF: That's not what you said last night.
Willie: Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
ALF: Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
Willie: I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
Lynn: What was the point?
Willie: The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
Kate: Oh, Lynn.
Lynn: Right. Come on, ALF.
ALF: Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Lynn: Let's go to my room. [walks away]
ALF: What about the salmon?
Kate: Forget about the salmon.
ALF: Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?

ALF: We are pals, aren't we?
Brian: Yeah.
ALF: So, what's the problem? It's that Spencer guy, isn't it? Well, let me tell you a little story about a guy who had the same problem you did. A guy named Gordon.
Brian: Who's he?
ALF: Someone I grew up with on Melmac. Nice kid. Handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor.
Brian: It was you, wasn't it?
ALF: How'd you guess? Anyway, I was doing a little dinner-
Brian: Your name's really Gordon?
ALF: Yeah, Gordon.
Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It's my mother's maiden name, alright?
Brian: Sorry.
ALF: Anyway, back on Melmac. I was in a little dinner theater production of Man of La Mancha. I was playing Sancho Panza. It was opening night. There was a full house. I was about to sing my 1st number, when suddenly I froze. I was like this, yeah!
Brian: Your name is really Gordon?
ALF: Just go with me on this, okay? I'm up there, I'm frozen, I can't remember my opening number. The audience was getting hostile. They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me, when the guy who played Don Quixote pulled me aside, and gave me this good luck charm.
Brian: A tooth?
ALF: Yeah. His 124 year molar.
Brian: Did it bring you good luck?
ALF: You bet. I got through my song, plus The Impossible Dream and every other song in the show. For an encore, I even did a couple of numbers from Gypsy.
Brian: Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?
ALF: No problem.
Brian: Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.
[the car honks]
ALF: Look, just stick that in your back pocket, and you'll go out there and knock them dead.
Brian: Great. I will! Thanks, Gordon.
ALF: Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell. [Brian leaves the house] Oh no! Brian!

The Gambler [1.23]

Kate: Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
Dorothy: All my life.
Kate: That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
ALF: I can picture her running! [laughs]
Dorothy: I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
ALF: About 2 hours.
Kate: Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
Dorothy: I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Kate: Ah! They're not unsavory.
ALF: Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Kate: An unsavory element.
ALF: You mean like oregano?
Dorothy: Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
Kate: Nick the Fish?
Brian: You bet with a fish?
Willie: [comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Kate: Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
Willie: Yeah.
Lynn: So, how much did you win grandma?
Dorothy: 300 bucks!
Willie: Say, that's even better than last week.
Kate: Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
Dorothy: Hey, it's my money.
ALF: But it's all our inheritance.
Dorothy: For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
ALF: Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Lynn: Leave us out of this.
ALF: That's her plan.
Kate: Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
Lynn: I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Willie: Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Dorothy: Well, I might as well make myself useful.
ALF: Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
Dorothy: Only if you win.
ALF: No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Dorothy: Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
ALF: Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Dorothy: Where did you get the 50 bucks?
ALF: Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
Dorothy: Mintz.
ALF: No thanks, I just brushed.
Dorothy: His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
ALF: I'm not doing this for me!
Dorothy: No, you're raising money for charity.
ALF: Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Dorothy: Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
ALF: Once again, left to my own devices.

ALF: Kate, quick question.
Kate: Yeah?
ALF: Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money, let's say, uh, $6,000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?
Kate: Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?
ALF: Just making conversation.
Kate: Well, I'm glad we had this talk. [leaves]
ALF: [yells] GET UP!

Weird Science [1.24]

[Brian comes home from school, angry]
ALF: Hey, B, how was school today?
Brian: I failed my science project.
ALF: You should've added Alvin and Dave.
Brian: I did.
ALF: And you still failed?
Brian: That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.
ALF: They did?
Brian: My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.
ALF: My fault?
Brian: You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there? [leaves]
ALF: Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education. Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad. [dials the phone] Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher. Oh, wait a minute. No, get me the Franklin Elementary School. Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory but I don't have any thumbs. Well, you should be sorry.

[Willie is fixing the TV at home]
ALF: Where is everybody?
Willie: They've gone to the movies.
ALF: Why didn't you go?
Willie: I'm fixing the TV.
ALF: Now?
Willie: Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.
ALF: Are you referring to that chemical spill?
Willie: Chemical spill? What chemical spill?
ALF: Nothing. Willie, how about a game of "Trivial Pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.
Willie: No, thanks.
ALF: I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.
Willie: Well Mr. Smarty.
ALF: It's Mr. Science.
Willie: For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.
ALF: Hey, you want power?
Willie: That would help.
ALF: Your call. [he accidentally electrocutes Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."
Willie: You called him "Consumer Ed" after I asked you not to?
ALF: You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.
Willie: I hope it is "Consumer Ed", because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!
ALF: Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [leaves to go to the kitchen]

[Willie goes to kitchen to find ALF wearing toy lips to his mouth]
ALF: What do you think?
Willie: [takes off ALF's lip toy off his mouth] I'll get right to the point. You told Brian to add those 2 planets to his model, didn't you?
ALF: No, I didn't. He did it on his own.
Willie: Didn't you?
ALF: Well, I admit I was indirectly involved.
Willie: [angrily] It was wrong of you to be involved at all!
ALF: But I took care of it. I called his teacher and set her straight.
Willie: So I heard now, that the principal is here and it's all because of your ridiculous stories of yours!
ALF: Ridiculous? You're gonna feel a little silly when I tell you this but I called the Mount Palomar Observatory today and they have no knowledge of the planet, Alvin.
Willie: How surprising.
ALF: They do, however, know of Dave, only they call him Chiron.
Willie: Object Kowal.
ALF: Willie? Willie, snap out of it.
Willie: No, ALF, ALF. In the late 70s, an object was spotted in space, originally called "Object Kowal." It was later named "Chiron." And astronomers thought that could be a 10th planet just somewhere just beyond Pluto.
ALF: Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.
Willie: What's this? [opens up ALF's map] Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.
ALF: I keep it in my glove compartment.
Willie: This, this is incredible. You have a guide to the galaxy.
ALF: Well, it's 3 years old. A few of the stars have exploded. Now, let's see, Dave. Dave, G6.
Willie: Mileage between cities, Melmac, San Francisco.
ALF: Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here.
Willie: Dave. And there's Alvin. What's that little one?
ALF: Alvin Heights.
Willie: You weren't making this up. I owe you an apology.
ALF: I'm waiting.
Willie: So is Mrs. Lyman. [opens the kitchen window] Oh, say, could I get you anything?
Mrs. Lyman: No, I'm fine.
Willie: Oh, wax lips.
ALF: I have 2 questions for you.
Willie: Yeah?
ALF: First, can I have my lips back? Thanks. And second, you gonna tell her the truth about the planets?
Willie: I don't think I can.
ALF: Why not? Show her the map.
Willie: Oh, good idea. And when she asks us where we got it, then where will we be?
ALF: Alright, alright, so you can't show her the map. But just because you don't have any proof, that ends it? I mean, what's with this planet? Here's a chance to open people's minds. Where are the freethinkers? The dreamers?
Willie: I don't know, but apparently, not in Brian's school. I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to go out there and tell her this has all been a big mistake.
ALF: In other words, you're gonna lie.
[Willie leaves the kitchen]

La Cucharacha [1.25]

ALF: Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
Lynn: Oh, gross. What is that?
ALF: It's a slimeball.
Kate: ALF!
ALF: I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
Willie: No, we're not.
ALF: You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Kate: Alf, where did you get those?
ALF: Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Lynn: Oh
Kate: ALF.
Brian: What's the surprise in the centre?
ALF: I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Willie: We'll pass.
ALF: Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Lynn: Oh, no!
ALF: Oh, they're not that stale.
Lynn: No, look, it's a roach!
ALF: Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.

Lynn: Where'd the roach go?
Willie: It ran under the bag.
Kate: Somebody step on it.
Brian: There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
ALF: Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Kate: Would somebody just squash it!
Willie: Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
Kate: We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
ALF: You're comparing me to a cockroach?
Kate: I'm going to get the spray.
ALF: Answer me!
Brian: But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
Kate: It will be just as interesting dead.
Willie: No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of doughnut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
Lynn: Never mind the box.
ALF: You mentioned something about a doughnut?
Lynn: ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
ALF: Why? It's gone.
Willie: What?
Lynn: Look, it's not there anymore.
Kate: Where did it go?
Brian: Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
Kate: I used half a can.
ALF: I'll be right back.
Lynn: Where are you going?
ALF: I'm going to call a doughnut place that delivers.
Kate: Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Willie: Kate, calm down.
Kate: Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Lynn: Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
ALF: Psst. Willie.
Willie: Yeah, all right, Alf, you can order the doughnuts.
ALF: I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
Willie: Why did you say, "psst"?
ALF: Just come out here.
Willie: What is all this secrecy about?
ALF: I didn't want to upset Kate.
Willie: What is it that would upset Kate?
ALF: I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]

Trevor: Yo, Tanner. You in there?
Willie: ALF, under the counter.
ALF: It's crawling with spiders back there!
Willie: Go!
ALF: Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
Trevor: Hi Tanner.
Willie: Hi Trevor.
Trevor: I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Willie: Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Trevor: Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over three hundred million years old.
Willie: That's nice, Trevor.
Trevor: I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Willie: You, what?
Trevor: Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Willie: Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
Trevor: I said, no charge.

ALF: Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]

Willie: [comes home with the groceries] ALF, ALF, are you okay?
ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the doughnuts?
Willie: ALF, what did you do?
ALF: Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
Willie: How did you kill it?
ALF: Cheap cologne.
Willie: That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
ALF: You had roach problems then, too?
Willie: How did you know to use this?
ALF: Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: I lucked out.
Willie: I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
ALF: When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Willie: Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
ALF: No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
Willie: What difference does that make?
ALF: Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
Willie: We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.

Come Fly with Me [1.26]

Lynn: Well here's your cappuccino.
ALF: Where's the grated cheese?
Brian: I'll get it.
ALF: [while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
Willie: What now? 11 records for a penny?
ALF: No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
Lynn: We heard you.
ALF: Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Kate: Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
Brian: You mean no pony rides.
Willie: There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
Brian: Alfer.
Willie: Alfer.
[the doorbell rings]
ALF: They lied to a child?

[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]
Kate: Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.
Willie: Me, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.
Bill: [comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.
Willie: I was expecting you.
Bill: No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.
Willie: Good.
Bill: Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]
Willie: Would it be okay if we look at this later?
Bill: Uh, when later?
Willie: Much later.
Bill: Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]
Willie: You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!
ALF: Buenos dias!
[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]

ALF: Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
Brian: I'm happy, ALF.
ALF: Are those chocolates?
Willie: How did you get here?
ALF: I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Kate: Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
ALF: Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
Kate: What am I suppose to wear here?
ALF: Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
Willie: ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
ALF: I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
Trevor: [knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
ALF: Can't we shake this guy?
Lynn: Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
ALF: Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.

[the Tanners and the Ochmoneks are in the plane going home thanks to ALF for kicking them out of the hotel]
Trevor: I tell you Tanner, I thought only rockstars got kicked out of hotels.
Willie: Yeah, I can't imagine what causes that toast to the short circuit. But I'm gonna find out.
Trevor: Sure stunk up the place. Smelt the burnt fish all the way to the lobby. By the way, how's that smell back in the cargo section?
Kate: I for one miss the pigs.
Trevor: I'm sorry I meant the host down to Jackals. Hey Raquel, I feel a little woozy. Get me a broom will ya?
Raquel: I warned you about that shellfish Trevor.
Trevor: Just get it, alright?
Raquel: I'll get it in a second! I have to put oil on my shoulders that hotel ought to warn their guests about the sun. [she head to the bathroom]
Willie: [sits down next to Kate] Quite possibly the worst weekend of our entire lives.
ALF: [pops up] You haven't stopped complaining since I burned down that room!
Willie: You, back with the jackals.
ALF: They're hyenas. And I don't like them.
Willie: They're jackals.
ALF: But why are they laughing at? [he hides away]
Trevor: Lieutenant McIntosh? Give me the coordinates. We're almost over enemy territory.
Willie: What enemy territory?
Trevor: What enemy territory? What do you think that is the Mississippi River? Those are the bridges at Toko-ri.
Willie: Trevor. Snap out of it, Trevor, the war's over! the trip of the war is over
Trevor: Boy, I did overdo the shellfish.
Kate: Willie? Willie, what's wrong?
Willie: I'm not sure. Trevor, how serious is this allergy?
Trevor: It's nothing. Listen, would you switch on the autopilot?
Willie: Where is it?
Trevor: It's right down there. Thanks. [he gets up] I'm gonna get up move around a little stretch for a minute so I don't pass out. [he passes out when he develops an allergic reaction with shellfish and starts acting loopy]
Kate: Trevor! Trevor! Trevor, say something!
Trevor: [acting loopy] Oh good, the USO.
Brian: Is he okay?
Lynn: Oh my gosh, what are we gonna do? Who's gonna fly the plane?
Brian: Dad, you fly it.
Willie: Now, relax everybody. NOBODY is gonna fly this plane!
Lynn: Uh, dad. [points down]
ALF: [comes out] I'll fly it!
Willie: You!
ALF: We have an emergency! I'm the logical choice. Oh, by the way, you were right. They're not hyenas but they are laughing!
Brian: ALF can fly a plane?
Willie: Oh, he can't even work the toaster.
Kate: Well, he did fly a spaceship.
ALF: Yeah, how different can it be? What does this do? [he speeds up the plane that makes it go faster] I see.
Raquel: [offscreen] TREVOR! STOP FOOLING AROUND!
Kate: Oh my gosh! Raquel!
Raquel: This door is stuck, somebody help me!
Kate: Oh, oh, oh, she'll see ALF. Help me block the door. Help is on the way, Raquel! Brian, sit down fasten your seat belt.
Lynn: [while blocking the door] A hyena.
Kate: Well, did you figure it out? Can you fly it?
ALF: [while flying a plane] I think so! I need to see an owner's manual!
Willie: There's not an owner's manual!
ALF: Then, I can't fly it!
Willie: The laws of aerodynamics are the same everywhere in the universe
ALF: Yeah, that's right. What are they?
Willie: We're heading straight for that mountain! ALF! ALF! Do something! Quick!
ALF: Alright, alright! Easy, easy. Up, up, up, and over! Yeah! This flying's a piece of cake!
Kate: Oh, a piece of cake? That was a piece of luck.
ALF: Luck! [laughs] Check this out! [he makes a turn as Willie and Kate turn down]
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