A Million Ways to Die in the West
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From the guy who brought you Ted. (taglines)
- [being offered a pot cookie by Anna] The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.
- I'm not a hero. I'm the guy in the corner, making fun of the hero's shirt, that's who I am.
- Albert: The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.
- Louise: What is that?
- Albert: It's just another way God mysteriously shows that he loves us.
- George Stark: You're late!
- Albert: For what?
- George Stark: Fair enough.
- Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!
- Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
- Anna: Really?
- Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made twenty dollars.
- Albert: [At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.
- Anna: Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.
- Albert: Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.
- Anna: God, why are the Indians always so mad?
- Albert: I don't know.
- Anna: I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.
- Albert: They're just selfish.
- Anna: [to Louise] How can you be so blind with eyes that big?! [leaves]
- Louise: [flustered] They're not... that big.
- Foy: My dear, they're practically Chinese!
- Louise: [kissing him] God, I love you!
- Indian Chief: (after Albert's drug trip hallucination; in Athabaskan) Did you shoot the black condor and then kicked it in the balls?
- Albert: (in Athabaskan) ...Yes.
- Clinch: (after Clinch shoots him and distracts him long enough for the venom to kick in; drowsily) What's happening to me...?
- Albert: (as Clinch succumbs to his death, slowly lying down) You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream, and you're pretty much screwed. (cut to flashback with Albert and the Indians putting snake venom in a bullet) For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. (cut to present) And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's-
- Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.
- Albert: Oh.
- Ruth: Yeah.
- Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
- Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
- Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
- Edward: Yeah, it was great!
- Ruth: I thought it was really good.
- From the guy who brought you Ted.
- Bring protection.
- Seth MacFarlane — Albert Stark
- Mike Salazar — 6-year-old Albert
- Charlize Theron — Anna Barnes-Leatherwood
- Amanda Seyfried — Louise
- Liam Neeson — Clinch Leatherwood
- Giovanni Ribisi — Edward
- Neil Patrick Harris — Foy
- Sarah Silverman — Ruth
- Christopher Hagen — George Stark
- Wes Studi — Cochise
- Rex Linn — Sheriff/Narrator
- Alex Borstein — Millie
- Ralph Garman — Dan
- John Aylward — Pastor Wilson
- Amick Byram — Marcus Thornton
- Evan Jones — Lewis
- Dylan Kenin — Pastor's Son