Ted 2

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Ted 2 is a 2015 American comedy film, and the sequel to the 2012 comedy film Ted. In this film, Ted is declared property by the state and struggles to get his rights as a human.

Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.
Thunder Buddies For Life.

Ted[edit]

  • Sitting out here in a public, jerking off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?

Dialogue[edit]

Ted: Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
Tami-Lynn: I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, alright, Teddy?
Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.
Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
Ted: Exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit-
Tami-Lynn: Oh no, no, no. You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk.
Ted: I was talking. I was talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you, otherwise I never get to fucking say anything!
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: You just keep cutting me off!
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
Tami-Lynn: You know what, you're acting like an asshole, alright?
Ted: Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?!
Tami-Lynn: You're acting like a fuckin' asshole!
Ted: What am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like.
Ted: You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?!
Ted: "The face of the business"?! Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco! I really should've!
Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
Tami-Lynn: He treated me good! And [mock gasps] he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
Ted: Oh, God, news flash! "Boston Whore Has Seen Italian Penis!"
Tami-Lynn: [angrily] What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?! What did you fucking say?!
Ted: I said "Boston-" [Tami starts throwing things at Ted] Jesus Christ! What the fuck?!
Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a whore?!
Ted: Hey, you wanna throw shit?!
Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
Ted: I'll fucking throw shit! [throws glass bottle] There, see? How do you like that?! [flips the table over]
Tami-Lynn: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy. I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear.
Boston Neighbor: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Ted: [angrily] Oh, for Christ's sake! [to Boston neighbor] HEY, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Boston Neighbor: WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN AND MAKE ME, TOUGH GUY?!
Ted: YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE AND MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE, TOUGH GUY?!
Boston Neighbor: I AM GONNA COME UP THERE, AND I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN' ASS!
Ted: YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT, ASSHOLE?! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE AND KICK MY ASS!
[Portuguese neighbor opens window, and yells insults in Portuguese]
Boston Neighbor: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID BITCH!
Ted: HEY, SHUT UP, LADY!
Boston Neighbor: RUN THE FUCK BACK TO RUSSIA, YOU WHORE!
Ted: THIS IS A CLASSY NEIGHBORHOOD! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP! GODDAMN IT!
Boston Neighbor: SHUT THE FUCK UP! [to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry.
Ted: Yeah, me, too.
Boston Neighbor: She's worse than us.
Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.

Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks. [Ted slides off the couch and walks over to another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yells] WHAT THE FUCK?!????!!!!!!!!!????!!!!!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted: THERE'S SO MUCH PORN!!!
John: Well, what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit?!
Ted: What are you talking about "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out!
Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counter-clockwise Rimjob"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this: "CHICKS WITH DICKS?!?!?!"
John: [breaking down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, alright?! I need help!
Ted: THERE ARE NO CHICKS WITH DICKS, JOHNNY; ONLY GUYS WITH TITS!!
John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I-I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling out of control here.
John: Alright, alright. I will. Fine. Just stop looking at that shit, please.
Ted: Johnny, I mean it, alright? The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game.
John: Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered; we gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
[John and Ted smash the laptop with a hammer and a crowbar]
John: All right, there, you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it; we gotta bury it in the Harbor. [he and John bury the laptop in the Harbor.] Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]'
John: OH MY GOD! IT'S IN MY EYES! OH, GOD I'M JUST BLINKING IN IT! [Ted reacts in disgust]
John: OH MY GOD! IT'S IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!
Ted: Hold on, I got to post this on Facebook.
John: NOOOOO!
Ted: [typing on his phone] Hashtag: Grr Mondays.
[a nurse walks in]
Female Nurse: Oh, my god!
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...

Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Blume?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
Samantha: What?
Ted: You just said, "Eff Scott Fitzgerald". I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Samantha: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".
John: It must be "Fuck".
Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".
John: It has to be "Fuck".
Samantha: Why the Hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck."
Samantha: You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.

Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
John: Bang.

Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the shit!

Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Samantha: Alright, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
Ted Clubber Lang: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.

Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: FUCK!

[last lines]
Ted Clubber Lang: [offscreen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
Tami-Lynn McCafferty: What's the matter?
Ted Clubber Lang: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
Tami-Lynn McCafferty: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
John Bennett: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
Ted Clubber Lang: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
John Bennett: No.
Ted Clubber Lang: Alright, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
John Bennett: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Ted Clubber Lang: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] #shithappens.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Encyclopedic article on Ted 2 at Wikipedia

Ted logo.png
  ted (2012) · ted2 (2015)  


Seth MacFarlane
  Television     Animated TV series     Family Guy  (1999–2003, 2005–present) · American Dad!  (2005–present) · The Cleveland Show  (2009–13) · Bordertown  (beginning 2016)  
  Live‑action TV series     The Winner  (2007) · Dads  (2013–14) · Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey  (2014) · Blunt Talk  (2015–present)  
  Television hosting     Comedy Central Roast  (2010–11) · Saturday Night Live  (2012) · 85th Academy Awards  (2013) · Breakthrough Prize  (2014–15)  
  Animated web series     Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy  (2008–2009)  
  Films     Ted  (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West  (2014) · Ted 2  (2015)  
  Novels     A Million Ways to Die in the West  (2014)  
  See also     Fuzzy Door Productions · The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve · Rachael MacFarlane · Night of the Hurricane