- I don't sound THAT much like Peter Griffin!
- Back off, Susan Boyle!!
- Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
- No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
- And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterword, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped, when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
- Asian Man: What the hell you problem!? You breaka my wall!
- John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me 'cause you're just God's farts!"
- Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?
- Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!
- Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
- Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
- Store Manager: You're hired.
- Ted: Shit!
- Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
- Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
- Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
- Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?
- Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
- John: Are you gonna do it?
- Sam: I'm gonna punch through
- Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!
- Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
- John: Go away! I don't even wanna talk to you!
- Ted: What?
- John: Do you have any clue? MY FUCKING LIFE JUST ENDED!!
- John: You know, Sometimes I think back in that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy-Ruxpin.
- Ted: Say that one more time!
- John: TEDDY-RUX-FUCKING-PIN!!!
- Ted: [after coming back alive, appearing retarded] Hey.
- John: Ted!
- Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
- John: Oh, my god!
- Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
- John: You're back! How did-
- Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded.
- John: [laughing] You asshole!
- Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!
- Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
- Colton Shires - teenage John Bennett
- Bretton Manley - young John Bennett
- Mila Kunis - Lori Collins
- Joel McHale - Rex
- Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
- Aedin Mincks - Robert
- Patrick Warburton - Guy
- Laura Vandervoort - Tanya
- Matt Walsh - Thomas
- Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
- Bill Smitrovich - Frank Stevens
- Alex Borstein - John's mother
- Ralph Garman - John's father
- Jessica Stroup - Tracy
- Sam J. Jones - himself
- Ryan Reynolds (uncredited) - Jared
- Norah Jones - herself
- Tom Skerritt - himself
- Mike Henry - a Southern newscaster
- Robert Wu - Quan Ming/Ming the Merciless
- Ted Danson (uncredited) - himself
Encyclopedic article on Ted (film) at Wikipedia
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