- Oh, come on: I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
- Back off, Susan Boyle!
- Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
- No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
- And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped, when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
- Asian Man: What the hell you problem!? You breaka my wall!
- John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me 'cause you're just God's farts!"
- Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?
- Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!
- Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
- Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
- Store Manager: You're hired.
- Ted: Shit!
- Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
- Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
- Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
- Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?
- Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
- John: Are you gonna do it?
- Sam: I'm gonna punch through
- Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!
- Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
- John: Go away! I don't even wanna talk to you!
- Ted: What?
- John: Do you have any clue? MY FUCKING LIFE JUST ENDED!!
- Ted: I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
- John: What?
- Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
- John: You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your fucking mind.
- Ted: Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
- John: You know what? Get outta here.
- Ted: You're acting like a cock, you know that?
- John: What? I'm acting like a cock?
- Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
- John: Huh?
- Ted: Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it?. No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be right because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
- John: Oh, and you can?
- Ted: I don't have to! I'm a fucking teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!
- John: You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!
- Ted: Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.
- John: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.
- Ted: Say that one more time.
- John: TEDDY-RUX-FUCKING-PIN!!!
- Ted: [after coming back alive, appearing and sounding retarded] I'm alive, Johnny!
- John: Oh, my god!
- Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
- John: You're back! How did-
- Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded.
- John: [laughing] You asshole!
- Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!
- Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
- Colton Shires - teenage John Bennett
- Bretton Manley - young John Bennett
- Mila Kunis - Lori Collins
- Joel McHale - Rex
- Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
- Aedin Mincks - Robert
- Patrick Warburton - Guy
- Laura Vandervoort - Tanya
- Matt Walsh - Thomas
- Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
- Bill Smitrovich - Frank Stevens
- Alex Borstein - John's mother
- Ralph Garman - John's father
- Jessica Stroup - Tracy
- Sam J. Jones - himself
- Ryan Reynolds (uncredited) - Jared
- Norah Jones - herself
- Tom Skerritt - himself
- Mike Henry - a Southern newscaster
- Robert Wu - Quan Ming/Ming the Merciless
- Ted Danson (uncredited) - himself
Encyclopedic article on Ted (film) at Wikipedia
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