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Billy Madison

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Billy Madison is a 1995 film about a hotel heir who goes back to school, first through twelfth grade, two weeks per grade, to inherit his father's company.

Directed by Tamra Davis. Written by Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler.
Billy's Going Back To School

Billy Madison

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  • [first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!
  • It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.
  • All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.
  • [waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!
  • Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
  • He said "poop"!
  • [about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
  • [singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]
  • Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!
  • [at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!
  • [to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]
  • JUST DO IT!!
  • You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!
  • Tits!
  • [after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!
  • Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
  • [to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
  • [drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!
  • [after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!

Principal Anderson

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  • What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?

Dialogue

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Billy: [drunk] Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
Frank: October?
Billy: [realizes] It's Nudie Magazine Day!!
Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
Frank: '74.
Billy: Meg Ryan.
[Frank looks confused]
Brian: [to himself] Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin' for?
[Cut to Billy picking up dog poop and puts it in the brown bag]
Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit! Old man Clements hates shit! He's gonna freak, when he realizes it's shit! [goes up to the front porch of the Clements house, puts the bag down, lights it on fire, rings the doorbell, and hides behind the bushes with Jack and Frank] Oh my God, Old Man Clements hates shit! [chuckles]
Frank: Shh, here he comes. [snickering]
Old Man Ted Clements: [from inside] Who the hell is it? What do you want? [emerges, and sees the flaming bag] Judas Priest, Barbara! It's one of those flaming bags again!
Old Woman Barbara Clements: [offscreen] Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!
Old Man Ted Clements: Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control! [stamps out flaming bag, but steps on something. He lifts up his boot and smells; he realizes it's poop] Yuck! It's POOP again!
Jack: He called the shit "poop"!
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically behind the bushes]
Frank: Oh, my God! This is the best night of my life! [laughs some more]
Old Man Ted Clements: I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die! [goes back inside the house]
Brian: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank. [lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian: Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake. [looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt] What? Are you some damned moron?
Brian: Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy: Oh, no you didn't.
Brian: Rock...R-O-K.
Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?
Brian: R-O-C-K!
Billy: The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!
Billy: Okay, alright...Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
Brian: That's some idea. You just think of that?
Billy: Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
Eric: Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?
Brian: No. [to Billy] You're on.
Scotty: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
Billy: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.
Scotty: Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy: You know somethin'? YOU SUCK!
Billy: I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
Miss Lippy: [amazed] Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade!
Billy: [surprised] Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great! What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck? [as Mr. Blue Duck] That's quacktastic! Quack, quack, quack!
Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
Billy: Maybe later.
Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
Billy: Okay.
Veronica: Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class: Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica: We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny". [the class laughs] Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.
Billy: Sixty nine! [laughs]
Dan: [stuttering while reading] Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl...who wa-a-an-
Billy: Pffft! Kid can't even read.
Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
Dan: An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-plane f-f-flying t-t-t...
Billy: [mock stuttering] T-T-T-Today, Junior! Ha-ha-ha! [Veronica sends him out of the classroom, the kids laugh; overreacting dramatically] OW! YOU'RE TEARING MY EAR OFF!
Veronica: [angrily] Making fun of a little kid trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy: I'm sorry I can't hear you, I've been physically abused in the ear.
Veronica: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. [leaves]
Billy: I see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf! Ohh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot! Want to touch the hiney! [howls]
Billy: Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
Veronica: "Rizzuto"? [Billy ponders, then writes] "Rirruto"?
Billy: Those're Z's.
Veronica: They look like R's to me.
Billy: That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
Veronica: ...Then would you like to try the word "buzz"?
[The kids laugh]
Billy: [sulking] I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never coming back to school, NEVER! [runs off]
[Billy is faking sick so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp]
Billy: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits! [laughs]
Billy: [disgusted] Oh, my God! I'll go to school!
Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W...
Billy: No!
Teacher: [to the little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right. [to Billy] Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy: C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher: [smiles] Correct!
Billy: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Billy: H-Hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?
Veronica: That milk belongs to that classroom.
Billy: Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
Veronica: No milk will ever be our milk.
Billy: Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.
Lunch Lady: Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for yous! Ha, ha, ha! I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy! [laughs evilly]
Billy: Lady, you're scarin' us!
[Everyone, including Billy, burst out laughing]
Dan: Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. Do it. Come on.
[Kyle throws his sandwich at the bus driver]
Bus Driver: HEY!
Veronica: Hey, who threw that?
Bus Driver: I'll turn this damn bus around! That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh?! You little shit! [quivers lips up and down while face gets red]
Billy: Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.
Dan: I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy: Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me? [walks down the bus to Veronica] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.
Veronica: Not too long now...
Billy: [pretends to fall on her, while groping her] Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
Veronica: That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now? [smiling] I double dare you.
Billy: [stuttering] That...tit...accident...
Veronica: Go back to your seat now.
Billy: ...I...Yes... [looking embarrassed now]
Veronica: Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?
[The scene cuts to show the bus driver, Jack and Frank eating the kids' lunches]
Old Lady: I'll tell you who took those lunches. That damn Sasquatch!
Billy: [to Ernie] You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?
Ernie: [turns around] I had an accident.
Billy: An accident? What's that mean? [notices Ernie wet his pants] GYOO!!!!
3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants!
Billy: Of course I peed my pants! Everybody my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy: YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!
Old Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy: Oh! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! LET'S GO!!!
Bus Driver: Get on the bus here. Move it. Get up there. Kyle. 1, 2, 5, 7. Move it or lose it. Get on the bu-s Hi, Ms. Vaughn. Nice to see ya. [stops Billy] That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
Billy: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...him and her got it on! Whoooooo-eeeeee!
Billy: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? Huh? [Billy gets on the bus] Everybody on? Good. Great! Grand! Wonderful! [closes the door, yelling]: NO YELLING ON THE BUS!
Veronica: So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy: Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Veronica: Really?
Billy: ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
Veronica: Norman invasion of England.
Billy: 1066.
Veronica: That is correct. [slowly taking her sweater off] The Magna Carta.
Billy: 1215.
Veronica: Yes. [slowly taking her blouse off] Spanish Armada.
Billy: 1466. [Veronica stops herself] '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? [Veronica dresses herself again] Please do not do that. Come on, I swear...Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!
[Max meets Eric in the kitchen]
Principal Anderson: [soaking wet] Hey, can you tell me where the bathroom is?
Eric: Yeah, down the hall, to your right.
Principal Anderson: Thanks. [about to go to the bathroom]
Eric: Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? [shows him a magazine with a cover of the younger Max dressed in a wrestling outfit] I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.
Principal Anderson: Where'd you get that?
Eric: I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar.
Principal Anderson: What do I care about some stupid phony wrestling guy?
Eric: My God! In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.
Principal Anderson: [bursting into tears] It was just a stunt! He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.
Eric: With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree.
Principal Anderson: [alarmed] No! No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!
Eric: So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you? [then Max ignores Eric] Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?
Principal Anderson: [sobs] Yes.
Eric: Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!
Ernie: How's high school Billy?
Billy: [lying with a fake smile] High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.
Dan: Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy: [whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. [grabs Dan's face and shakes him violently] For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Danny: [on the phone] Hello?
Billy: Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?
Danny: Yeah.
Billy: The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb High School in 1984?
Danny: Yeah, who's this?
Billy: Umm...this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.
Danny: [nonchalant] Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem.
Billy: Wow, that's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.
Danny: Yeah, sure. I'd like that.
Billy: [relieved] Okay, great! I'll see you around.
Danny: Okay. Bye. [hangs up, reaches down, grabs a marker and uses it to cross Billy's name off of a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once done, he puts on a large amount of bright red lipstick, sighs in relief and sits back to listen to his music]
Veronica: [angrily to Billy] You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap!
Jack: [to Frank] What is she talkin' about?
Principal Anderson: [on TV] The statement I made about Billy Madison was, and is, completely untrue.
Eric: No.
Principal Anderson: I know now that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.
Eric: No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! [angrily throws a stapler, and it hits his secretary, accidentally knocking her out]
Principal Anderson: It's something I must learn to live with.
Eric: [realizing what he did] Joyce?
[Cut to the next scene]
Brian: What a mess. First, this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anyone been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
Carl: No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
Eric: [to Brian] I believed in Billy all along.
Billy: [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.
Brian: Take it easy, Billy. [to Eric] Things were going along great, until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.
Eric: Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the 2 weeks, or I get the company. He didn't finish 9th grade.
Carl: Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
Eric: Extenuating, exshmenuating! We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, 2 weeks, or I get the company.
Brian: Well, technically, you're right, but-
Eric: Oh, shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. [mimicking Brian] "Well, technically, mmeh-mmeh-mmeh-" [normal voice; loudly] Just SHUT UP! [gets up] Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
Brian: No!
Eric: Then I'll see your ass in court.
Brian: Good.
Eric: Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads! [laughs]
12th grade O'Doyle: [after stuffing Billy's locker with manure] O'Doyle rules!
Billy: [threateningly] O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. [cheerfully] But for now, I gotta study.
Knibb High Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.
Billy: [clears his throat several times] Uh...Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting...bigger. [later] So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution. [long pause] Knibb High football rules!
[The crowd erupts into cheers]
Knibb High Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said was one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. [sits back in his seat]
Knibb High Principal: You remain one point ahead. [to Eric] Mr. Gordon, it is your turn. [to Billy] Mr. Madison, choose the topic.
Billy: [examines the topic chart] I choose "Business Ethics".
Knibb High Principal: [draws a question card] Mr. Gordon, the American business environment has fundamentally changed, following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. Explain business ethics and how they're applied today.
Student in the audience: Boo!
Eric: [gets out of his seat and approaches the microphone] The, uh...ethics of, uh...business can be summarized in...
Student in the audience: Boo!
Eric: See, ethics are, uh...Y'know, the...the thing about ethi- [completely loses it] GAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [whips out his gun in a fit of rage and kicks down the microphone. Everyone panics and flees] That question was not fair! That was not in the reading! I demand a new question!
Billy: [smugly] Take it easy, psycho. You blew it, you lose.
Eric: [turns to Billy] I oughtta blow you away, you miserable...
Billy: Well, go ahead and do it! [Eric cocks his gun] YIKES!
Principal Anderson: [comes charging out from backstage in his wrestling gear] AAAAAAH!!!!!! [body-slams Eric]
Veronica: No! [runs onto the stage]
Eric: Get off me! [recovers and points his gun at Veronica; laughs maniacally]
Billy: No! [Eric is shot in the butt-cheek by Danny, who waves to Billy] Man, I'm glad I called that guy!
[Danny smiles with the salute gesture, and leaves]
[During Billy's re-graduation]
Billy: Anyways, um, this hotel stuff really isn't for me, so I've decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels...and give the company to Carl.
[Last lines]
Veronica: [to Billy] You think he's horny? Come here. [they kiss]

Taglines

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Taglines appear on theatrical release poster and in movie trailers.

  • Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!
  • To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!
  • There's A New Name For Dumb.
  • A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever.

Cast

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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