Richie: Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's tickler, and there's ultrasensitive.
Eddie: Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?
Richie: Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, what colour?
Eddie: What have they got?
Richie: There's black, gold, union jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?
Eddie: Well union jack, obviously!
Richie: Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, what flavour?
Richie: Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.
Eddie: Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?
Richie: Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.
Eddie: No, no, get two.
[Writing a personal ad about himself.]
Richie: Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck... yeah, hot young buck.
Eddie: What about badger?
Richie: No, no, I'm more a sort of...
Richie: No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!
Eddie: What about Stoat!
Richie: Foxy Stoat? Yeah, it's got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...
Richie: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! SHUT UP, EDDIE!
Richie: What on earth are you eating?
Richie: You are eating... lard.
Eddie: Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
Eddie: I've got an idea.
[Drinks the rest of his pint beer.]
Richie: What is it?
Eddie: 'To drink that' No I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?
Eddie: Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."
[Richie has been knocked back by a lesbian]
Richie: I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".
Richie: Alright, I'm coming! Alright, alright! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? (Opens the door and slightly strikes the Gasman) Right, that's enough of that! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan!... Cripes! It's the gasman!
Gasman: Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter.
Richie: HELLO MISTER GASMAN!
Eddie: [Poking his head out into the landing] You what?
Richie: HELLO MISTER GASMAN!! [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]
Gasman: Yes, hello again. I wonder if could just read.....
Eddie: Mister who?
Richie: GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!
[Eddie runs and turns off the gas. Richie is still repeatedly shouting Gasman when Eddie appears at the door]
Gasman: DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ YOUR METER!
[Eddie by this time is now at the front door]
Eddie: Who is it darling?
Richie: IT'S THE GASMAN!
Gasman: Yes I think we've established that.
Eddie: Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.
[Richie and Eddie have just beaten the gasman into unconciousness]
Richie: So, we've only got eleven pounds eighty to last us for the next two months?
Eddie: No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade".
Eddie: It's an investment. Look, I got it for one pound fifty and originally it only cost a shilling. The value of these things is just sky-rocketing!
Richie: That's pre-decimalisation that is! They all have their pants on.
Eddie: Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear! Just stop talking!
[Eddie looks in disgust at the tea Richie's made]
Eddie: What's this?
Richie: Elm tea. The gypsies swear by it.
Eddie: I bet they do! I bet they say "What the bloody hell's this?!"
Eddie: Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch.
Richie: Do you know how many birds there are in the world?
Eddie: Yeah, about three billion.
Richie: Do you know how many of them I've slept with?
Eddie: Yeah, I know.
Richie: I mean, statistically that's really quite phenomenal, isn't it?
Eddie: Not for an ugly fat bastard like you it isn't.
Richie: I wonder what sort of great bird'd suit me?
Eddie: "Dear Eddie, by the time you read this I will be dead. I know you'll be feeling terribly guilty but don't blame yourself, although it really is your fault. If I was alive I would forgive you, but I'm not, so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." (Fighting back tears) Poor blighter! All he needed was the love of a good woman. Well not even a good one, any old one would have done; slap a wig on a 'Speak your Weight' machine, he'd have been happy. And now he's gone and done himself in! [Plays some keys on Richie's electric organ] Well, this ought to fetch a few quid.
[Richie is going through his birthday cards, which he has written himself]
Richie: Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?
[Richie and Eddie are having an argument]
Richie: Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years.
Eddie: Ah! What's that?
Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!
[Richie has returned from hospital]
Richie: I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish!
Spudgun: What did medieval people do before telly?
Hedgehog: Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
Eddie: No, before telly was invented.
Hedgehog: Oh, they had cock-fights.
Spudgun: No wonder they all got the plague.
Richie: What was your name again?
Richie: Spudgun? Why do they call you Spudgun?
Spudgun: Give me a potato and I'll show you why.
Eddie: No Richie, you don't want to see that.
Richie: Well, why do they call you hedgehog?
Hedgehog: Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.
[Eddie is watching his highlight tape of Emmerdale Farm with his friends]
Eddie: That's him, that's the one! BASTARD! I hate 'im!
Hedgehog: [looking around] Who?
Eddie: [pointing at the screen] No, that one there! The extra! He never says anything, he just drinks all day. Look at 'im! Look! He's going to buy another drink!
Hedgehog: Is that his own money?
Eddie: No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into The Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!". And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. [Shouting at the television] LUCKY BASTARD!
Richie: I really think this is the one, Eddie. Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension.
Eddie: What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense?
Richie: This is just my London pomme—de—terre. My main castles are scattered all over the place, you know, ‘cause I never know where I’m going to be… bloody fox hunts go on for ever these days, don’t you find? Never know where you’re going to end up. Start off in “Burke—shire”, end up in, ah, eh eh, Twat—shire!
Lily Linneker: Lady Natasha Sarah Jane Wellsley
Ritchie: Oh, she sounds ni...
Lily Linneker: (continuing) Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, Third Vicountess of Maldavia
Richie: No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?
[Eddie is trying to teach Richie how to play chess]
Richie: Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.
Eddie: That's right.
Richie: [looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!
Richie: Right now look, there's only five hours until lunch, I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.
Eddie: Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
Richie: Oh, will you stop whinging Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!
Eddie: Then why are we having them then!?
Richie: Because it's Christmas!!
[Richie is telling Eddie how he's going to cook the chicken]
Richie: Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt.
Richie: Now, Eddie. Crackers?
Eddie: Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
Richie: No, I mean have you got the crackers?
Eddie: No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
Richie: Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
Eddie: Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table!
Richie: (Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember... erm...
Eddie: Half past eight and aaalllsss crap!
Richie: Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen! Here's a can of spray snow you make everything look Christmassy. I'll go and scrub my sprouts.
Eddie: I thought you were gonna do some cooking?
Spudgun: Oh, what's that smell?
Eddie: That's lunch.
Spudgun: Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.
(When a baby is left on the doorstep.)
Spudgun: Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas!
Eddie: What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me.
Spudgun: I think his nappy needs changing.
Eddie: Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.
Richie: Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!
Spudgun: But we are not worthy, oh holy one.
Eddie: Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.
Hedgehog: Right, oh one... what he said.
Richie: What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!
Spudgun: Merry Christmas everyone.
Richie: Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]
Hedgehog: What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.
Eddie: What woman?
Hedgehog: Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!
Richie: Now can we just get our equipment out. I mean, I mean get our tackle out. I mean, get our gear... oh God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!
[Sitting around a campfire, they have no food left.]
Richie: What was that film where they ate each other?
[Sitting around acampfire, wondering where to get food]
Eddie: Hang on... this is Wimbledon Common isnt it?
Eddie: Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble...
Richie: Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Eddie: Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
Richie: Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you that they were just puppets?
Eddie: Yes, it would.
Richie: Good... EDDIE, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS!
[Richie attempts to lull Eddie to sleep]
Richie: Night-Night, Sleep Tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Put it in a Cornish Stew. Into the ambulance, dring-dring-dring! Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee; Diddle-diddle-dee. Daddy's an accountant just like me. Night-Night, God Bless.
Richie: I think there's something outside...
Eddie: Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
Richie: You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
Eddie: Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?
[Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]
Child 1: Trick or treat, mister!
Eddie: What do you want!
Child 2: Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!
Eddie: I'm sorry. I don't speak child.
Eddie: All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.
Eddie: Trick or Treat?
Spudgun: What does that mean?
Richie: It means you give us some cash. No sweets.
Eddie: Because it's the end of October!
Spudgun: I don't understand.
Richie: Look! We haven't got all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.
Spudgun: Are you on drugs? Can I have some?
Eddie: Dear, oh dear.
Richie: We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?
Eddie: (holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!
Richie: Right. Give it to me.
Eddie: I beg your pardon?
Richie: I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"
[Eddie charges up the cattle prod and zaps Richie, causing him to defecate in his pants]
Richie: Bear with me.
Eddie: That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!
Richie: I've got just got to finish off my Sprouts Mexicane and we're all set.
Eddie: Sprouts Mexicane?
Richie: (Proudly) Sproutes Mexicane!
Eddie: What's that?
Richie: Well it's... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tobasco sauce - well, three bottles actually. Not so much a hint, more a Party Political Broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gunpowder!
Richie: Yeah, they were left over from Christmas.
Eddie: But it's October!
Richie: Yeah, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover any embarrassment.
[The oven explodes.]
Richie: Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?
Eddie: I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.
Richie: Oh, hark at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!
[Richie eats a spoonful of sprouts, gags and promptly faints.]
Eddie:: (who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!
Eddie:: Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!
Richie:: Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Des's hammer-head!
Richie:: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Eddie:: HOW DARE YOU!? [He struggles to his feet] How.. How... How dare you accuse me of drinkn-n-n-ninge?! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bagga-scratchies...[Leans on the television, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkn-n-n-n-n-ninge? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]
[Eddie has forged money with strange imagery on it.]
Eddie: Those are the Queen's jugs.
Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs.
Richie: Eddie! A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not! She'd save 'em up for the fifty!
Eddie: Well, if you care to have a look at my fifty, you may find it a mite more risque.
[Richie glances at the note and displays a look of alarm and disgust.]
Richie: That's disgusting!
Eddie: Yeah, I know!
Richie: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money?! Especially when you see whaT the Duke of Edinburgh's up to on the back of a tenner! (glances at the note) Who's that with him?
Eddie: Meryl Streep.
Richie: (reacts pervertedly) Hang on, she's got three knockers!
Eddie: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.
Eddie: (to barman) I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.
Dick Head: (on the phone) Hello, "Skullcrusher" Henderson? Yeah it's er, Dick Head here... no, don't laugh. I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position. What? Oh well it's Sylvester Stallone... fisting what looks like Mr. MacHenry from The Magic Roundabout.
Dick Head: Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.
Richie: Should we send him some flowers?
Dick Head: No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.
Eddie: Is that bad?
Richie: And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...
Dick Head: Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen.
Richie: I think I'd better go to the lavvy.
Eddie: Me too.
Spudgun: And me!
Hedgehog: I've just been.
Dick Head: Right, next question; which is the greater, two dozen or a score?
Richie: [Pressing the buzzer with confidence] Daffodils!
[Returning from a spot of looting during the annual Hammersmith riot]
Richie: You dropped it!
Eddie: Yeah, well i was being run over by the riot squad!
Richie: Well, two wrongs dont make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could of been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!
Eddie: She's married.
Richie: I know. To the wrong bloke!
Eddie: Still, at least we got the duck.
(Holds up a rubber duck)
Richie: The duck?
Eddie: Yeah, it's made out of plastic!
Richie: Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?
Eddie: It floats in the bath. [Puts duck in Richie's face] Hello!
Eddie: It's hollow!
Richie: [exasperated] Why the duck?!
Eddie: It came free with the telly.
Richie: Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!
Edie: Well, then it would sink in the bath!
Eddie: We've been burgled!
Richie: Well you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched... OH! Oh, burgled!
Richie: (emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie: She's not, she's not!
Richie: She is, she is!
Eddie: (wailing) She's not, she's not!
Richie: QUIET! Spectacles!
[Eddie removes his glasses. Richie pokes him in the eye]
Richie: Spectacles back on! [Eddie puts his glasses back on] Now calm down about Tony Blair.
Richie: Hello? Put me through to the Prime Minister! ...Because I want to blackmail him! ...It's Richard Richard. Oh shit! [hangs up] I accidentally gave my name away! You'll have to do it Eddie. Use an assumed name.
Eddie: Hello? I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister...Uh...Richard Richard.
Eddie: That's right, me old cockaleeky-mate-flap-sparrow-Cockney-rhyming-bollocks!
Richie: Don't touch my brick while I'm gone... I said "brick"! Not "penis"!
[After an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richie has, apparently, lost his penis.]
Richie: Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!
[Richie has been unable to say his lines because he has the giggles.]
Richie:: [laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]
Eddie:: You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.
Richie: LOOK SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.
Eddie: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
(Crowd cheers and Richie laughs again.)
Richie:: Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.
Eddie: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?
Eddie: Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.
Richie:: Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?
Eddie: Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!
Richie:: So let's talk bollocks!
Eddie: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
Richie:: So let's do what we always do!
Eddie: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
[Huge applause from the audience]
Eddie: Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.
Richie:: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
Eddie: [Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!
[Another huge applause]
Richie:: Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?
Eddie: That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!
[Another huge applause]
Richie:: [towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
Eddie: That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.
[Having told Eddie he intends to commit suicide, to Eddie's delighted response]
Richie: Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!
[Richie telling Eddie their breakfast options]
Richie: Eddie, I bring good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.
[Audience laughs and applauses]
Richie: So, what's it to be for breakfast this morning, me old buster?
Eddie(from toilet): I'll have a curry.
Richie: No, you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!
[Richie slams the prop door. It opens by itself. The audience laugh. He tries it again. It opens again. A couple of audience members cheer, causing Richie to whisper "Fuck off!" to the audience]
Richie: (breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! CLOSE!
[Slams the door. It stays shut.]
Richie: [about the semtex] Where on Earth did you get it?
Eddie: Car Boot sale. Got it off these two blokes Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence. And their friend was there Pat O'Cake.
[Audience laughs as Eddie tries not to laugh.]
Richie: Pat O'Cake?
[Eddie is still trying not to laugh, the audience cheer.]
Eddie: Shut the fuck up!
Richie: Pat O'Cake?
Eddie: Pat O'Cake.
Richie: Baker's man?
Eddie: That's the one! God, I love that gag.
Richie: What a sad, lonely life you must lead.
Eddie: I'm afraid it is, yes.
Richie: Right, on with the plot, Eddie.
Eddie: There's a plot?!
Eddie: Oh, fuck!
[Eddie with his revolver walks up to the parrot in its cage]
Eddie: I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of of Richie forgetting most of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!
Parrot: You fired six you big fat bastard!
Eddie: That's right!
[Eddie fires six rounds, shooting the parrot to pieces]
Eddie: But I fucking RELOADED!
[Richie brings in a wheelbarrow containing spare Semtex]
Richie: (calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a smidgen, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid-- [Richie unwinds the electric cable and quickly realizes that it was horribly tangled] Who fucked up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the fucking television as well!
Eddie: Right, that's it. I'm getting me beret and dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.
[Eddie mockingly turns away from the audience]
Richie: No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!
Eddie: The Queen?
Richie: Yes, and stand up when you say that.
Eddie: [stands up] The Queen?
Richie: Yes, and kneel down when you say that.
Eddie: [kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so fucking unpopular.
Richie: I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!
Eddie: [returns through the window] We've what?
Richie: Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.
Eddie: Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.
[pats Richie on the back]
Richie: Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!
Eddie: Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?
Richie: Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!
Eddie: The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?
Richie: Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!
Eddie: A-ha! [hangs up the phone]
Richie: Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?
Eddie: One pound.
Richie: ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?
Eddie: Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)
Richie: One pound?
Eddie: ...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.
Richie: So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?
Eddie: That's correct, yes. Well done.
Richie: Well, it's a result Eddie!
Eddie: Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!
Richie: What were the charges again?
Eddie: Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... wiggling our todgers at the Queen.
Richie: So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!
Eddie: I can't, I dunno what it means.
(Richie taunts an apparently unconscious Eddie)
Richie: Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!
Eddie: Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War.
Richie: What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful.
Eddie: Alright then he was in the crap war!
Richie: Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?
Eddie: Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!
Richie: Did he?
Eddie: Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans
Richie: Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?
Eddie: Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.
Richie: That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but... what the fuck's it got to do with anything?
Eddie: It's gas!
Richie: Yes, I know it's gas. I'm not a complete tosser.
Eddie: Yes, you are.
Richie: Well, I am a complete tosser, yes, but what d'you mean?
Richie: C'mon let's stage a mock trial.
Eddie: Oh, right you are.
Richie: Call Richard Richard!
Eddie: What shall I call him?
Richie: Don't fuck about.
Eddie: DON'T FUCK ABOUT!
Richie: What is it they say in downtown south central L.A?
Eddie: "Help! Help! I'm being raped, mugged and murdered!"
Richie: Welcome to sophisticated Oxford. (mimes masturbating and puts on an Oxford accent) "Have a wank, professor!" "May as well: the only other thing to do is catch a fucking BUS!" (huge applause)
Eddie: Are you finished now? Just I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry fucked off. (Richie laughs and there's a huge applause from the audience. Richie kneels to bow to Eddie.)
Richie: God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?
Eddie: What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!
Richie: No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!
Eddie: WHEN? When was this?
Richie: Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!
Eddie: (Deliberately) I beg your pardon!
Richie: There you go again!
Eddie: No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.
Richie: Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!
(Eddie looks agape, as Richie descends into paranoia)
Richie: Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.
Eddie: Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)
Richie: Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.
Richie: Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.
Eddie: They disappeared.
Richie: Yeah, cos you threw them into the fucking audience!
Eddie: Hey, they reappeared.
Richie: Yeah, they fucking threw them back!
Richie: We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.
Eddie: Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.
Richie: [astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!
Richie: Wait, there's something written on the side. [reads] "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bombe". Shit, it's all in French.
Richie: You stupid fucking ring-sausage!
Richie: Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.
Eddie: Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?
Richie: There is that.
Eddie: I see your point.
Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
Richie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!
Eddie: Why? Have my trousers fallen down?... Help! Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!
Richie: Quickly! Change routine! Change routine!
Eddie: Oh, look! Knackers!
Eddie: All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.
Richie: How long for?
Eddie: Until the end of time.
Eddie: I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you.
Richie: You thorough and total wank biscuit!
Eddie: How did you actually catch this fish?
Richie: I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. No, no, no, no, no, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.
Eddie: So it was dead already?
Richie: Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.
Eddie: Was this in Bluffman's Cove?
Richie: Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.
Richie: So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.
Eddie: What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?
Richie: Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.
Eddie: Really, how did she feel?
Richie: She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!
Eddie: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Richie: Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, slim, modern comedians do that joke.
Eddie: Yeah, why's that?
Richie: 'Cos it's shit!
Eddie: You're not wrong there, matey!
Eddie: Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?
Richie: Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.
Eddie: No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?
Richie: What, with an onion up his bum?
Eddie: He could be French.
Eddie: ufasa retanga eranu uvavu
Richie: Eddie, have you been stealing material again?
Richie: Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!
Eddie: Well... we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.
Richie: Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?
Eddie: Angus Deayton.
Richie: Angus Deayton, why?
Eddie: Because he's got autocue.
Richie: Oh yeah, lucky bastard.
Eddie: Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?
Richie: [Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!
Eddie: Ohhhhhh, fuck.
Richie: Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.
[Eddie returns from the secret Japanese bunker with a medical kit.]
Richie: Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...
[Turns around and notices the door has swung open. He laughs and points it out to Eddie who quickly runs over to close it again.]
Richie: Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]
Eddie: (to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!
Richie: Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?
Eddie: Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!
Richie: Really, Eddie? Which part?
Eddie: My arsehole.
Richie: What sort of bloke?
Eddie: Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.
Richie: A what?
Eddie: I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.
[There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"]
Eddie: We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!
Richie: I think my theory holds water.
Eddie: And what theory is that?
Richie: That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.
Eddie: I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.
Eddie: Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.
Richie: HE was a volunteer.
Eddie: No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.
Richie: Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!
Eddie: Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.
Richie: Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.
Eddie: No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!
Eddie: Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.
Richie: Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!
[Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage]
Richie: Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause and the audience cheer) Fish are fucking frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire... (waits for audiences response which is dismal)
Eddie: Yeeeees...or get a papercut
[Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines]
Richie: Oh, Eddie!
Eddie: And whenever you can't remember you go "OH, EDDIE!"
Eddie: (cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.
[a prop Albatross has broken down at the side of the stage]
Richie: Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...
Eddie: Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the fucking prop man sacked!
[a bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head]
Richie: That's lucky, that is!
Eddie: What that you weren't standing here?
[Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head]
Eddie: Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was fuckin' great, fuckin' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all fuckin' pissed ourselves!"
Eddie: Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.
[picks up a knife]
Eddie: Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...
Richie: So then, there really is someone else here?
Eddie: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Richie: Who is it?
Eddie: Its me! Hello!
Richie: Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!
Eddie: Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!
[Richie is wearing bright pink Underwear]
Eddie: Where did you get them from?
Richie: I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!
[Talking about the Parrot]
Richie: What was that thing he used to say?
Eddie: Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?
Richie: No, not that one the other thing?
Eddie: Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!
Richie: That's the one.
Richie: Is Dave attacking that Seagull?
Eddie: Either that or he's shagging it.
Richie: No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.
Eddie: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!
Richie: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?
Eddie: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.
Richie: Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?
Eddie: Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.
Eddie: Where's the bar?
Richie: There's no bar!
Eddie: WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!
Eddie: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
Richie: Now...what other options have we got left? Let's just try and explore our parameters.
Eddie: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit, there's no corners to hide in!
Richie: Eddie! Just a little bit. Just a little touchy touchy, it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... fucking homo! Okay look, look look look look, forget that...why don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by?
Eddie: I don't think my mother would be too pleased.
Richie: Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.
Richie: Before you go say something nice.
Richie: No, something else.
Eddie: I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.
Richie: Come on Eddie, think of the money!
Eddie: Money?! Are... Are you getting paid?
Richie: No. No, no, no, I don't get paid. It's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
Eddie: I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
Richie: What did you say?
Eddie: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
'Richie: That's the one. He's getting far too old to play me with any conviction.
Richie: Who's that awful actor who plays you?
Eddie: Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?
Richie: Who? Chris Evans?
Richie: No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.
Richie: So let me get this right, so we aren't in some dark, godless void on the outer edges of human misery?
Eddie: No no, we're in Nottingham.
Richie: It's the same thing!
Richie: It's not our fault we've got such shitty actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.
Eddie: I thought you did.
Richie: It was one of my great improvisations.
Eddie: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
Richie: Yeah, it's not as bad, (corpsing) not as bad as... Oh, fuck!
Richie: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
Eddie: What were you doing during the interval?
Richie: Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...
Eddie: You want me slidle over to the front?
Richie: I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".
Richie: [Thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".
Richie: Is it me?...
Eddie[Interrupting Richie]: Yes (Audience laughs)
Richie: Is it me?...
Eddie: Yes, it is (Audience applauds)
Richie: Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...
Eddie(Reading): 'Ten seconds have passed since I fatefully partook in the Elixir of Life. Feeling groggy... oh, all seems to fade. Darkness comes... and anal leakage...'
Richie(Laughing): I don't remember him being that ill last night!
Eddie(Reading): 'Oh, shit, my bollocks have exploded!'
Richie(being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire): Action!
Richie(enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
Eddie: Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
Richie: I could still pass for 17!
Eddie: Stones! Now wait!
Richie: No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
Eddie: No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
Richie: Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
Eddie: Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
Richie(frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!
Eddie: And... weight.
Richie(sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
Eddie: Alright, 'fat'.
Richie: You can't put that!
Eddie: You're right. 'Very fat'.
Richie(trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
Eddie: Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
Richie: It doesn't say that!
Eddie(shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
Richie: Oh, so it does. Ok, next question!
Eddie: Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
(Richie buries his face in his hands)
Richie: They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?
Richie[after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]: You bastard! That's my wanking hand!
Eddie: Uh-uh; wanking finger.
Richie: Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.
Eddie: That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?
Eddie: Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!
Richie: Bloody hell!
Both: That's fast!
Richie: Just think, Eddie: if we go even further back in time, we could do some really old material! Just think: I might get erections again!
Richie(as Rick from The Young Ones): Oh, really great and bwrilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher! Thatcher!
[Eddie clears his throat and pretends to do his hair in Vyvyan's style].
Eddie(as Vyvyan): Have you got a video? Virgin! Virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil! (Gives a two fingered salute.)
Richie: ... You er... you haven't changed your material very much really, have you, Eddie?
Eddie: (Laughing) Stick with what works, that's my motto.
Richie: Eddie.... Eddie, come here! Come. Bloody. Here. (Eddie slowly walks towards Richie) I am going to swear at you! Don't be so sexy! DON'T! I'm going to swear at you, i'm jolly angry! Eddie, you.... BERK! You... FLIPPING NUISANCE! You stupid... effing... BUGGER! You bloody.... BUGGERING BASTARD BREAST-FACED BOLLOCK! YOU ARSEING... KNOBHEAD.... TIT-FACED.... FUCKING..... TWAT!
Richie: Oh, fuck the monologue! I'll go for a nasty!