Brooklyn Nine-Nine (season 1)

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–present) is an American comedy series, airing on FOX and NBC set in the fictional 99th Precinct of the New York City Police Department. It follows the precinct's team of detectives and their newly-appointed captain.

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Santiago: If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.
Peralta: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's gonna be a washed-up pencil-pusher who's only concerned with [robot gestures, robotic voice] following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!
Holt: [standing right behind Peralta] Is that what you think?
Peralta: [stands up, turns around, smiles] H-hey! New captain alert! [looks around, laughs awkwardly] You must be the new C.O.! I'm Detective Jake Peralta, great to meet you—
Holt: Now don't let me interrupt, you were describing what kind of person I'm going to be. I'd like you to finish.
Peralta: Nah, that's not necessary. [Holt looks back, stone-faced] Or I could recap, very quickly, sure! Um, let's see, I think I said some joke about you being a washed-out pencil-pusher—
Holt: Now do the robot voice. The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I want to hear it again.
Peralta: [looks around nervously, speaks more quietly, does robot gestures] Um, meep-morp. Zarp. Robot!
Holt: That's a terrible robot voice.
Peralta: Yup.
Holt: The next time I see you I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Holt: That's fine work, detective.
Peralta: [wearing a tie] Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. [stands, revealing that he's wearing Speedos and no trousers]
Holt: [smiles slightly] You know what? Such fine police work, let's share it with the whole team. Santiago, Boyle, Diaz, get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!
Peralta: That's not necessary—
Holt: [with the squad behind him] Let's have a hand for the fine master detective Jake Peralta!

The Tagger [1.02][edit]

Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?
Peralta: [Points at one] That one's the dump?
Holt: They're both your locker.
Peralta: Gah, I should've guessed that. [To the other detectives] He's good!
Holt: [Picking up a folder off Peralta's desk] This folder is labeled "Undies, Dirty".
Peralta: So I won't confuse it with "Undies, Clean". Also, who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective here!
Holt: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective!
[Holt pulls open one of Peralta's desk drawers, revealing a mouse is indeed living inside, amongst bottles and a messy stack of papers]
Peralta: Algernon! You guys, Algernon's back! [Picks up Algernon]
Holt: Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together. Now. [Leaves]
Peralta: [To Algernon] He's grumpy.

[NYPD Deputy Commissioner Podolski has arrived at the 99th Precinct, bullied Peralta into releasing his son Trevor, the one who'd been tagging NYPD vehicles with spray paint cans, resulting in thousands of dollars in expenses. Podolski has left the building; Peralta comes into Holt's office and drops his report on Trevor on Holt's desk.]
Peralta: Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore. The case is officially out of my hands. No charges filed.
Holt: [Examining the report] Why is there yogurt on this?
Peralta: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report into Terry's trash can. And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.
Holt: Terry loves yogurt. Something wrong?
Peralta: Yeah. I called six precincts about this kid! He's been brought in a dozen times. Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly- but he's never been processed. His daddy comes in and bails him out every time! He's a lucky little jerk.
Holt: No, I wouldn't say lucky. I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? [Seemingly nonchalant] Well, he's someone else's problem now. Like you said, it's out of your hands.
Peralta: All right, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna work. I'm not gonna arrest him. I'm gonna arrest him!
Holt: You want backup?
Peralta: Yes!

The Slump [1.03][edit]

Amy: For the last time, the best cop movies in order: Training Day, Lethal Weapon, and Fargo. End of discussion.
Jake: Wrong. Die Hard is the greatest cop movie of all time. One cop saving the day while everyone else stands around and watches. It's the story of my life.
Boyle: I like Turner & Hooch. Tom Hanks, reluctant friendship with a dog. That hits me where I live.
Diaz: No. RoboCop. It's got everything I like. Gratuitous violence...
Jake: Oh, I thought you were listing things.
Diaz: I was. I'm done.
Gina: Let's talk Bad Boys, that's the perfect cop movie. Mr. Smith, lookin' fine, a hot cup of Tea Leone. Come on.
Terry: Francois Truffaut's Breathless. What? Terry likes foreign films.
Jake: Mm-kay. There is a correct answer to this question, though. So gather 'round for the greatest cop film of all time, and please refrain from texting during our presentation. [Presses a key on his computer] All right, so there's Hitchcock and there's an old hooker.
[In the video, Hitchcock approaches the hooker while his car's dash cam records. He tries to ask her a question, but the hooker kicks him in the nuts.]
Hitchcock: Oh, come on, you guys! That happened four years ago!
Jake: Shh, this is the best part. She comes back, takes the wallet, and here she goes!
[The hooker in the video kicks Hitchcock in the nuts again]

Amy: You wanted to see me, Captain?
Holt: Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.
Amy: That's why we do this, sir.
Holt: For praise?
Amy: Uh...
Holt: There's a community outreach program that is very important to me. I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Amy: Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with it.
Holt: Be more articulate when you speak the children.
Amy: Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.

M.E. Time [1.04][edit]

Holt: Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Scully: You got it.
Amy: I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
Holt: Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
Jake: [Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
Amy: No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Holt: Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
Amy: No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!
Jake: God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Amy: Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
Holt: Santiago! Anything else?

Jake: I happen to be a very good secondary.
[In a flashback]
Amy: So you were just borrowing those cars?
[Jake starts banging on the one-way glass from outside the interrogation room]
Jake: Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!

The Vulture [1.05][edit]

Boyle: You talking oldest bags? 68.
Santiago: That's not that old.
Boyle: Yeah, but I was only 20.
Jake: 20? Were you even a cop then?
Boyle: No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.
[Everyone is confused for a moment]
Diaz: Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
Diaz, Jake, Santiago: Ew!
Boyle: Yeah, 68, like I said.
Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
Boyle: You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
Jake: No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Boyle: She was, actually; that's how I met her.
Santiago: Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]
Boyle: Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
Jake: That is no one's fantasy!

Jake: Captain, please, please, pretty please do not let him take over my case!
Holt: Major Crimes is stepping in. Nothing I can do. You're off the case.
Jake: I can't believe you're just stepping in and giving my murder away to The Vulture!
Boyle: We call him The Vulture because he solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.
Holt: Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context. First of all, Major Crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases they want to take, but more importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone. I told you for weeks to use the squad, and you refused.
Jake: I used them. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew, and Charles caught a dog.
Holt: Oh, congratulations, Detective Boyle. You should've involved him sooner. Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.
Boyle: Sir, call him The Vulture. Giving him a name makes him human.
Holt: Turn over the files.
Jake: Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly! [Starts to walk out of Holt's office extremely slowly, but gives up after a few seconds] God! This is so boring!
Holt: For both of us.

Halloween [1.06][edit]

Jake: I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.
Boyle: Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".
Jake: Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.
Terry: Oh, come on.
Holt: I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.
Jake: Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.
Holt: I didn't issue a challenge.
Jake: Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?
Holt: My Medal of Valor.
Jake: God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
Holt: Why would I possibly agree to that?
Jake: Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-
Holt: You won't.
Jake: -you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.
Holt: And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
Jake: You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.
Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
Jake: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.

Jake: 20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.
Holt: I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?
Jake: I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.
[In a flashback, Jake is standing on a chair in front of the other detectives, speaking in a terrible Scottish accent.]
Jake: For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him!
[Back in the interrogation room.]
Holt: And that worked?
Jake: No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. And since you're doing all of my paperwork...
Holt: I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.
Jake: Thank you, sir.
[Holt goes to the interrogation room door and opens it.]
Boyle: In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]
Jake: Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.

48 Hours [1.07][edit]

Holt: Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
Boyle: Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]
Jake: Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]
Holt: No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
[The officers and detectives in the briefing room groan.]
Amy: Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
Jake: Some pretty ironclad stuff.
[In a flashback, Jake approaches Dustin Whitman at a magazine stand.]
Jake: Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Dustin: Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]
Jake: Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!
[Back in the briefing room.]
Jake: Case closed?
[Amy shakes her head and glares.]
Holt: If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.
Amy: Damn it, Peralta!
[The officers and detectives groan again and throw some balls of paper at Jake.]
Holt: Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Diaz: Damn it, that is amazing.
Gina: This is so good I hate it!
Boyle: You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said "bitches", I'm just really worked up.

Old School [1.08][edit]

Terry: The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
Diaz: Why? I'm fine on the stand.
[Cut to a courtroom flashback.]
Diaz: Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can understand: Man did crime!
[In another courtroom flashback.]
Diaz: Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Attorney: Crying?
[In a third courtroom flashback.]
Diaz: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!

Holt: Got Halbrook to cop to every charge. Nice work, Santiago.
Amy: Thank you, sir. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should get credit for the collar. Have you seen him?
Holt: I sent him home. He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
Amy: Yeah, but that caveman kind of had it coming, don't you think? Oh. He didn't tell you.
Holt: Tell me what?
Amy: Never mind. If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. It's not my place.
Holt: I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
Amy: I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.

Sal's Pizza [1.09][edit]

Jake: It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.
Sal: I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.
Jake: Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.
Sal: The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.
Jake: Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"
Sal: They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something like that, right?
Jake: Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?
Sal: I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.
Boyle: Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.
Jake: Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?
Boyle: Yeah.
Jake: Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.
Boyle: It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?
Jake: No, Charles, we gotta go fast.
Boyle: Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
Jake: No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.

Holt: So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?
Terry: Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-
Gina: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Terry: Why's that important?
Gina: Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
Terry: Fine. What about this guy?
Gina: No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed?
Terry: Fine. But what was with the flossing?
Gina: A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Terry: That punk who hacked us?
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
Holt: Get to the point.
Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.
Terry: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.

Thanksgiving [1.10][edit]

Terry: Scully.
Scully: Hey there, Sarge.
Terry: I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Scully: Oh, no.
Terry: Where is it?
Scully: No, I don't!
Terry: Is it in your pockets?
Scully: Oh, come on!
Terry: I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
Scully: Sarge! Oh, Sarge!
Hitchcock: Go limp, Scully!
Scully: This is fun!
Terry: Release! Your! Sweets!

Holt: Same to you, your Honor. [Hangs up the phone.]
Jake: Oh, what judge were you talking to?
Holt: That was my mother.
Jake: You call your mom "your Honor"?
Holt: She's a federal judge on the 9th Circuit. What else would I call her?

Christmas [1.11][edit]

Pontiac Bandit [1.12][edit]

Jake: Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?
Norman Lee: He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. I don't know what's going on.
Jake: A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair products.
Diaz: He's gone. He ran.
Jake: Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.

Jake: So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!
Diaz: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!

The Bet [1.13][edit]

Amy: Peralta.
Jake: Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
Amy: I was born ready.
Jake: To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.
Amy: Twist my words all you want.
Jake: Okay.
Amy: I'm winning this bet.
Hitchcock: What bet? What're you guys talking about?
Terry: Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?
Hitchcock: Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?

[Two men have backed a cargo truck up to a building one night and are getting to work as Jake and Amy approach them.]
Jake: All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!
Man: We're kind of busy here.
Jake: Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.
Amy: No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.
Jake: Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.
Amy: Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!
Jake: You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]
Amy: [Gasps] You son of a bitch!
Man: Hey! Stop yelling.
Jake: Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! [The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice work.
Amy: You, too.
Man: I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.

The Ebony Falcon [1.14][edit]

Terry: The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !
Jake: Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!
Terry: You don't wanna do this, man.
Jake: No, I really do.
Terry: It hurts you every time.
Jake: No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!
[Terry and Jake chest-bump, and Terry effortlessly knocks Jake to the floor.]

Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.

Terry: What's my name?
Jake: Terry Jeffords.
Terry: WHAT IS MY NAME?!
Jake: The Ebony Falcon.
Terry: And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
Jake: Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety?
Terry: [Growls]
Jake: Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
Terry: Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits. [Terry leaves]
Jake: Terry loves yogurt.

Operation: Broken Feather [1.15][edit]

[Before the detectives start a football game]
Jake: We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department. [The two teams approach each other] Fire Marshal Boone; we meet again.
Boone: Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look.
Jake: I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.
Boone: That's not what your mom said.
Jake: You make no sense.
Boone: And now I'm inside your head.
Jake: Prepare to die.

[Operation Broken Feather has commenced; the detectives are stalling The Vulture as Jake works to get a confession from a suspect.]
Jake: Okay, Gus. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full, signed confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.
Gus: But I'm not guilty.
Jake: [Slams his hands on the table and leans in] Listen to me, Gus. We can do this, son!

The Party [1.16][edit]

Amy: Everyone, check your email. The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.
Jake: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?
Amy: No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence at Raymond's birthday party."
Jake: Who's Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of Danzez With Wolvez?
Diaz: He's Captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt? We're invited to the captain's birthday party.
Jake: Oh, the captain's party and whatnot.
Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house! I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Boyle: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty white cube, with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.
Holt: Apparently my husband Kevin has invited you to all to my party. There is very little street parking, no gifts, no singing of "Happy Birthday". Should be fun.
Amy: Sounds fantastic!
[Holt goes back inside his office.]
Jake: Did you hear that? His husband invited us; not him. He so doesn't want us there.
Amy: Yes, he does!
Gina: Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite. Just stirring the pot.
Boyle: Why wouldn't Holt want us there?
Jake: Because he thinks we're gonna embarrass him in front of his husband. Which, frankly, is insulting! [Stands up, flipping a bowl on his desk over.] Aw, man. All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.

[Peralta enters wine shop]
Jake: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Clerk: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.

Jake: Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: What do you want?
Jake: I'd like to talk to you about a case I solved.
Kevin: Thank you, but just as with my home, my office has a strict "no cop talk" policy.
Jake: I figured. But the case that I have solved is the case of the "no cop talk policy". There were three things that bothered me about last night: you didn't want the 9-9 at your party, even though you'd never met us, your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully if they were harassed, and there was something interesting about that photo in your library. You and the captain were shunted off to the side. I don't think you dislike cop talk; I think you dislike cops.
Kevin: I'm married to one.
Jake: I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun to watch the man you love marginalized, underappreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
Kevin: Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Jake: Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
Kevin: So, yes. I decided a long time ago that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, Detective.
Jake: Nice cop lingo! Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. I'd love to make it up to you.

Full Boyle [1.17][edit]

Gina: You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.

The Apartment [1.18][edit]

Jake: Oh, hey, Captain, you get my report on the Finley murder?
Holt: Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.
Jake: Good. Thanks, Dad. [The precinct suddenly goes quiet.] Why is everyone staring at me?
Diaz: You just called Captain Holt "Dad". You said, "Thanks, Dad."
Jake: What? No, I didn't! I said, "Thanks, man"!
Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me!
Terry': Hey! Show your father some respect!
Jake: I didn't call him "Dad"!
Holt: No, no, no, no, Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Boyle: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian "Mom" once and she's my fiancé.
Jake: Guys! Jump on that! Charles has psycho-sexual issues!
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy" -
Jake: Hey, "Daddy" is not on the table here.
Guy: You did call him "Dad", dude.
Jake: You shut up, all right? You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Guy: Alright, alright. I was lying about the holdup. But the "Dad" thing? That happened.
Jake: Aha! He admitted that his alibi was a lie. It was a trap, all part of my crazy, devious plan.
Holt: I believe you.
Jake: Thank you.
Holt: Son. [Jake sighs in frustration] You wanna talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: [whispers] I'd like that.

Tactical Village [1.19][edit]

Fancy Brudgom [1.20][edit]

Unsolvable [1.21][edit]

[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]
Jake Peralta: Whoa. What's with the cast?
Raymond Holt: I sprained my wrist.
Amy Santiago: [obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
Holt: Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Peralta: Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
Gina Linetti: He's in a fight club?
Peralta: No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
Charles Boyle: Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.
Terry Jeffords: [incredulous] Men's field hockey?
Charles: Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
Holt: [exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Peralta: Yes.
Holt: I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.
Peralta: [in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
Peralta: [struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
Holt: [slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.
[He deletes the picture]
Peralta: No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.

[Peralta hooked up to a lie detector]
Peralta: I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Terry: Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Peralta: Yes, obviously. [Scoffs]
Technician: Lie.
Peralta: See? It's busted!
Terry: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Peralta: [Scoffs] No.
Technician: Lie.
Peralta: Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.
Terry: [Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?
Peralta: I wanted to work the toughest case we had.
Terry: Why?
Peralta: Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? [Scoffs]
Terry: Yeah, that's the whole point of it.
Peralta: Seriously? That seems lame.
Terry: I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]
Peralta: Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.
Technician: That's a lie.
Peralta: Come on, man.

Charges and Specs [1.22][edit]

Jake: All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.
Holt: I will not.
Jake: Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.
[Holt looks back, stone-faced. Cut to when Jake and Holt are admitted to see Judge Mindel.]
Judge Mindel: Have a seat, Detective.
Jake: I will not.
Judge Mindel: Excuse me?
Jake: Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I will not.
Judge Mindel: [Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.
Jake: But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?
Judge Mindel: I take it you're the toddler.