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Daria, (1997-2002), is an animated American television series that aired on MTV. The show chronicles the life of Daria Morgendorffer, the witty and cynical protagonist that acts as the commentator and critic, with her best friend Jane Lane, of their upper-middle class suburban town of Lawndale.


Season One[edit]

Sealed With A Kick[edit]

This is the first unaired short of Daria, which mainly intended to show MTV executives the look and feel of the show. After Daria forgets to give Kevin back the pencil she borrowed from him, the not-so-sharp QB becomes convinced of her romantic feelings toward him.
Kevin: Let's not play games, Daria. You desire me, don't you?
Daria: Uh, excuse me?
Kevin: I can tell. It's like a fifth sense I got. But: I already got a chick. We can still be friends though.
Daria: Thanks Kevin if it helps.
Kevin: Great! Can I borrow your science homework? (Daria hands the paper to Kevin) Hey thanks a lot, sorry if you were hurt.
Daria: I just got blown off by a guy I didn't even go after.
Jane: You should find a safe, legal alternative to killing him.
Daria: I already have. When I get through with him, there'll be nothing left but jelly.
Jane: Well, you won't have to do anything to his brain.

Daria: (Kevin is working out in his house while Daria walks over there and she answers his doorbell and Kevin heard the bell and opens to door to find Daria standing on the porch step showing him a plate of cookies) I brought you some cookies. (she passes them to Kevin) They're shaped like hearts.

Esteemsters [1.01][edit]

It's the first day at a new school for Daria and her sister Quinn. While Quinn is immediately accepted by the popular crowd, Daria is targeted for having low self-esteem after she smart-mouths her way through a school mandated psychological exam.
Jake: I know it's not easy for you girls, moving to a new town - especially for you, Daria, isn't that right?
Daria: Did we move?

Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
Daria: It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Helen: We tell you over and over again that you're wonderfull and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?!
Quinn: Is she gonna have a break down or something? Cause that would totally mess up with my new friends.
Daria: Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
Jake: I"ll say.
Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.

Mr. DeMartino: Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day, when you've got the Heisman Trophy and a chain of auto-dealerships and I'M saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin?
Kevin: [no trace of irony] Sure!
Brittany: Can I come too? I mean if Kevin and I are still together.
Kevin: We will be, babe.
Mr. DeMartino: Ah, Brittany, can you guess which war we fought against over manifest destiny?
Brittany: Um, no.
Mr. DeMartino: Please try, Brittany.
Brittany: Uh, the Viet-Cong war?
Mr. DeMartino: Either someone give me an answer or I will give you all double homework and a quiz tomorrow. Now, I want a volunteer with the answer... Now!
Daria: (Gasping in disgust while raising her hand for the answer)
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, stop showing off!

Jane: So then after the rule thing, next class they put the guys and girls in a separate room and a female counselor talks to them about body image.
Daria: What do they talk the boys about?
Jane: A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?
Both: Nocturnal emissions.
Daria: I don't get it Jane, you've got the entire course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to get out?
Jane: I can past the test. But I like having low self-esteem, it makes me feel special.

The Invitation [1.02][edit]

After helping out Brittany with an art class assignment, Daria is invited to an upcoming party.
Ms. Defoe: Good work, Daria. Your cube is bursting out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth.
Daria: I'm thinking of going into politics.

Kevin: (While at the locker room) Yo Mack Daddy! You coming to Brittany's party?
Mack: Don't call me that, OK! What's this party for anyway?
Kevin: Um....
Mack: Stop if it starts to hurt.
Kevin: (laughs) really.

Brittany: (While getting food from the Cafeteria) Ugh! I hate when the trays are wet!
Daria: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Brittany: Is that from a song?

Daria These are really good. I didn't know you study life drawings
Jane Yeah, last summer.
Daria (viewing one of Jane's sketches): You're really bursting out of the picture frame here.
Jane: Oh, yeah...that particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.
Daria: Speaking of which, Brittany invited me to her party.
Jane: No kidding, are you going?
Daria: Sure and after that I think I'll swallow glass. What? Do you wanna go?
Jane': Oh no I much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to Come As You Are. I bet it get some great sketches there.
Daria Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you wanna go just make believe that you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people who look alike anyway.
Jane (Takes Daria's glasses and pretends to be her) Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell. (Takes off Daria's glasses) It won't work my face is too expressive.

Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
Trent: As long as you don't drop it.

College Bored [1.03][edit]

During a visit to Jake and Helen's alma mater, each of the Morgendorffers wander off to experience the realities of college.
Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn: Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?

Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
College Girl: Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: No.
College Girl: Mmm. Okay, thanks. [hands Daria money and leaves]
Daria: Thank you, and good luck with the doctorate.

Cafe Disaffecto [1.04][edit]

Mr. O'Neill decides to start a coffee house for Lawndale's youth to interact when the local cybercafé is vandalized. Daria is forced to do a reading there on its opening night when threatened with a summer of music camp.
Jane: No way baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts?
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.

Daria: She was hyperglycemic. The chocolate would have killed her.
Jane: She passed out while we were standing there.
Mrs Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?
Daria: No.
Mrs Li: How do you know it wasn't for her family?
Jane: She has no family. She ate them.

Malled [1.05][edit]

Daria is forced to go the region's Mecca of consumerism, the Mall of the Millennium, for her Economics class, only to find Quinn already there against their parents' wishes.
Mrs. Bennett: Sealed in glass though it may be, in its own way the mall can be viewed as a living organism.
Kevin: Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall?
Mack: She said "organism." That's not the same as "orgasm." And stop me calling that, okay?
Kevin: Babe, did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?
Brittany: Yeah...

Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.
Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
Jane: Teen Spirit?
Daria: Cheap perfume.
Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.

[Jane is in Scissor Wizard barbershop]
Hairdresser: Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have TV Guide if you want to browse.
Jane: Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?
Hairdresser: No.
Daria: How about Animal Maulings on home video?
Jane: Yeah! I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo.
Daria: Really? She looks so everyday.
Jane: I mean after she was molested.
Daria: Oh...

This Year's Model [1.06][edit]

Lawndale High is in an uproar when two talent scouts for the Amazon Modeling Agency, Claude and Romonica, visit the school to recruit potential models from the student body.
Mr. O'Neill: Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to Walden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? [looks at Brittany] Normandy?
Brittany: [angrily] Brittany! He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too.

Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential. [Daria innocently grins]

Brittany: This is the most exciting day of my life! Being a model is all I've ever wanted to be!
Kevin: [angrily] Oh...hey!
Brittany: [points at Kevin] I mean, besides being a girlfriend of the cutest guy on the team! Oh, and winning the National High School Cheerleading Championships. Oh yeah....and helping the starving kids in the desert, or wherever.

The Lab Brat [1.07][edit]

Daria and Kevin are partnered up for a science project, against the will of Brittany (and Daria, for that matter) who suspects that Daria maybe trying to lure Kevin away from her.
Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! [slams pointer on desk] Just- like- that!
Daria: I wonder why he left.

Daria: Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.
Brittany: Deal.
Daria & Brittany: [thinking] Sucker.
Brittany: Let's go, Kevin.
Kevin: Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right?
Daria & Brittany: [thinking] Jerk.

Pinch Sitter [1.08][edit]

After studying about cults in school, Daria gets an hands-on encounter when she babysits Tad and Tricia Gupty, a couple of sickeningly sweet children she decides to de-brainwash.
Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion of CULTS, can anyone give me another example of a group using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and SOCIAL ISOLATION to achieve control over its members? Brittany?
Brittany: Cheerleading?
Mr. DeMartino: Ah Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of INSIGHT, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
Brittany: Wow, and I didn't even read the chapter.
Jane: She'll never have to worry about mind control.
Daria: Yeah, but she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head.

Daria: Do you always do exactly what adults tell you?
Tad: Yes!
Daria: Do you always believe everything they say?
Tricia: Yup!
Daria: But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?
Tad: [starts to cry]
Daria: [Tricia pulls her hair] Ouch!
Tricia: You're mean!

[singing along to song on the skipping record player]

Tad & Tricia: I can hope and I can dream and I am full of- full of- full of- full of self esteem.

Jane: Hello?
Daria: Hey, Grandma, it's time for your damn pill.

[singing along to song on the skipping record player]

Tad & Tricia: I am cool and that is it and everyone else is full of- full of- full of--

Too Cute [1.09][edit]

Quinn becomes obsessed with getting plastic surgery after a Fashion Club hopeful shows up to school with a new nose.
Dr. Shar: Quinn, honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibilities.
Quinn: I try to be.
Dr. Shar: But you, Daria, I hate to see such a young lady like yourself give up at such an early age.
Daria: I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach "giving up."
Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face!
Daria: Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.
Dr. Shar: This is for you, Daria. [Hands Daria a box] Open it when you've got some free time. Then I want you to examine it, get comfortable with it, and think about it. Change your attitude, hun! Change your life.
Daria: It's not leftover nose pieces, is it?
Dr. Shar: Humor may lift your spirits, Daria, but it takes a professional to lift your buttocks. [laughs and slaps Daria on the back] Doctor's joke! Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.

Quinn: I'm a mess, and it's gonna cost six-thousand dollars to fix!
Daria: You're not really gonna take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
Quinn: You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
Daria: [opens box Dr. Shar previously handed to her] Oh yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed: practice boobs.

The Big House [1.10][edit]

Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Daria: Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Jake: It can't be Jefferson.
Quinn: Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

Daria and Quinn are sentenced to a month of house arrest after the Morgendorffers experiment with Family Court.
Daria: There's no sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.
Jane: Who said that?
Daria: I believe it was Jefferson.

Road Worrier [1.11][edit]

Tiffany: Ugh, stretch pants. Everywhere are stretch pants.
Stacy: Hey! These are stretch pants! I'M WEARING STRETCH PANTS! (hyperventilates)
Sandi (while shaking Stacy): They're leggings! They're leggings! (Stacy calms down): It's all right!

Jane: Daria thinks the name "Mystik Spiral" sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs. Don't you, Daria?
Daria: That's not exactly what I-
Trent: Hmm, maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled mystic with two y's?
Daria: [To herself] And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A, and be crowned Miss America. [aloud] It might.

Jesse: Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano.
Jane: Who?
Trent: He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa.
Jesse: You'd never catch me in a job like that.
Daria (VO): Because it falls under the category of employment.
Trent: Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years?
Daria (VO): Still living over your parents' garage?
Jane (loud whisper): Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours!

Jesse: This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can't read anyone's mind.
Daria: [subtitle] Thank God.

The Teachings of Don Jake [1.12][edit]

[Helen and Jake decide to go camping.]
Quinn: Don't worry about us, Mom. We'll be fine. Right, Daria?
Daria: Absolutely. No guests, no late nights--
Helen: Don't even bother, girls. You're coming with us.
Quinn: Damn it, Daria! You could've sounded like you meant it!
Daria: [Everyone else in Daria's family has said "Damn it" once.] Damn it. It's my turn to say "Damn it."

Quinn: This is really scary, Daria.
Daria: All right, let's not get panicked. We're going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed?
Quinn: OK.
Daria: We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
Quinn: Yes.
Daria: [pause] This is really scary, Quinn.
Quinn: But why did they go insane?
Daria: Judging by dad's woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries.
Quinn: It couldn't have been the berries.
Daria: That's what I think, because you ate the berries and you seem fine.
Quinn: (pupils becoming bigger) No, I mean because those weren't the glitter berries.
Daria: Glitter berries?
Quinn: You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. Those are the ones that make you act weird. I mean until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away. Daria, you don't have a mirror do you? I wanna check my makeup.
Daria: You're not wearing makeup.
Quinn: I'm not?! Oh, no! [reaches down and rubs mud on her face]
Daria: Quinn, maybe you better take it easy for a while.

Daria: Okay. Remain calm. Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization, but no way to contact civilization because Mother made big deal about cutting off all communications. What to do?

(cellphone in Helen's backpack rings)

Daria: Rely on Mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis.

The Misery Chick [1.13][edit]

Mack: I know all about it. Jodie's giving the speech about the new goal post, remember?
Kevin: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarterback's point of view.
Mack: Gee. I'll ask her. When there aren't any sharp objects around.

Sandi: So like, what's your advice?
Daria: Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad. Good luck.
Sandi: That's what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?
Daria: See, it's working already.
Sandi: [pause] Thanks.

Season 2[edit]

Arts 'n' Crass[edit]

Brittany: I wanted to tell her I've got a great idea for a poster!
Daria: Me, too. Mine's going to be about cheerleading.
Brittany: Oh, no! Now what'll I do?

Marianne: Helen? It's your daughter's teacher.
Helen: Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.
Marianne: It's your other daughter, I think.
Helen: Daria? Well then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.

The Daria Hunter[edit]

Daria: (In her head) Somebody in a movie once said,"Hell is the possibility of sanity". that's what this place feels like: hell. I hate it already. Then, its only been an hour, some damn hour, Grandma.
Helen: Daria, you could at least try.
Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.

Sandi: Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
Quinn: Don't be silly; I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.
Sandi: Really?
Quinn: Sure, Do you really think I could replace you? (They stare at each other)

Stacy: Hey Quinn, is that your cousin? (Points her finger at Sandi)
Sandi: (Quinn fires the paintpalls at Sandi) Ow!
Tiffany: Way to go, Quinn!
Stacy: Our leader!

(Sandi fires paintballs at both Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany)

Tiffany: Hey! I just bought this!

(All of them fire at each other until they give up where Sandi takes off the helmet and the goggles)

Quinn: Sandi? What are you doing here?
Sandi: I was looking for the bathroom and all of a sudden you started shooting at me. I thought we promised not to do that!

Brittany: Freeze, Babe! (Fires paintball)
Kevin: (Kevin gets hit by the paintpall) Ow!

Daria: (It begins to rain) Good, I was feeling too dry.

Daria: (While walking in the rain with Jane, feeling wet) Maybe we should turn back.
Jane: Maybe your mother would lend you a raincoat.
Daria: Shut up and keep walking.

Sandi: I wish I could find that bathroom.
Tiffany: I think its over there somewhere! (Sandi walks out through a hole in the wall)

Quinn the Brain[edit]

Daria: Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?
Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.
Daria: Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.
Quinn: Thanks.

Kevin: Babe, I've got a plan.
Britanny: I bet you do, you.... you.... high school Casablanca!

Daria: Did a mime crawl in here and die?
Quinn: I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep people dress.
Daria: Yeah, deeply affected people.
Quinn: Thank you. By the way, do you know what existential means? Because today someone told me my writing was existential, so I thought I should coordinate, you know, with wardrobe.
Daria: Yeah, that's what Camus would have done. For your purposes, existential means "pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the street fair."

I Don't[edit]

Brittany: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
Daria: Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.
Brittany: I didn't know she went crazy.
Jane: Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.
Brittany: Wow!
Jodie: Come on, Brittany. Let's finish outfitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
Brittany: You mean the bullet didn't kill him?

Mack: You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die. They said we'd make them feel self-conscious.
Kevin: Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro. That's why they told us not to.
Mack: Huh?
Kevin: They knew that if they invited us to a bridal expo, there's no way we'd go near the place.
Mack: Then why are we here?
Kevin: Forbidden fruit, man. Forbidden fruit.
Mack: When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.

Lurman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard "intelligence", but that can't be right.

Daria: (The Morgendorffers are approaching the church house) Redrum! Redrum!

That Was Then, This Is Dumb[edit]

Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!
Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.
Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
Daria: Trekkies.

Quinn: Ethan?
Ethan: Yeah?
Quinn: You never told me whether you thought I was.... you know.... cute?
Ethan: Oh. Well sure, you're cute.
Quinn: Thanks.
Ethan: In a, you know, shallow, superficial way.
Quinn: [no trace of irony] Thanks.


Quinn: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi and Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys and clothes and cars but then what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they?
Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. [leaves]
Daria: Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah.

Helen: I haven't seen you this amused since your sister fell at her dance recital.
Daria: That was me.
Helen: Oh. Well, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls.

Quinn: Goodnight. Thanks for sharing my day with me. And remember, fashion is fun and everything, but we should really do something about the rainforest and stuff.

Daria: Remember that conscience I said I didn't have?
Jane: Yeah.
Daria: It got to me.

The New Kid[edit]

Jodie: Hey Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.
Daria: Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.

Helen: Can't you talk to her Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.
Quinn: Yeah! And that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.


Brittany: The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!
Daria: Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.

Quinn: And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?
Jane: [frazzled] Take.... her.... now.

Jane: I knew those straight Cs in math would pay off someday.

Quinn: Why? I'm not afraid.
Daria: Yeah, why shouldn't you be afraid? Of mass murders, serial killers, tortures, cannibals, puppy kickers?
Quinn: Mo-om
Helen: Maybe you can stay at Sandi's. Even if I have to call that witch Linda.

Linda: Sandi has to beat them off with a stick. Oh, who am I kidding, I have the same problem as her age.

(Switches to Sandi's room and Quinn's room during a phone conversation)

Sandi: So Ricky and the guys will be waiting for us a Terapoint
Quinn: Wear smudge proof lipstick
Linda: I've already hidden the keys to the car. In case Sandi gets any ideas.
Helen: You know I used to have to beat them off with a stick too.
Sandi: I've made a copy of the keys to the car.
Quinn: Bring scarf to avoid convertiable hair.
Linda: And lights out by 11:00
Helen: Did you hear that, about the stick?
Sandi: Then after my mother checks on us at 11:00, we climb out my window, grab the car and meet the guys.
Quinn: Boy, Sandi, you've thought of everything, no wonder you're president of the fashion club.
Helen: My Linda you thought of everything, no wonder you're on the business women of Lawndale's alliance.

Helen: Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?
Daria: (To Jodie) You don't have to answer that.
Jodie: I'm president of the French club, vice president for student council, editor of the yearbook and I'm also on the Tennis team.
Jake: Daria, why aren't you on the Tennis team?
Daria: Because it's classified as a sport.
Helen: Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you remeber Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a Science project together.
Jodie: Oh, sure, Kevin's great! (Whispers to Daria) At smashing beer cans with his head.


Daria: Look, I'm sorry about last night.
Jane: Ah forget it. It was a rare opportunity; getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
Daria: You're sure that wasn't her brain?
Jane: Nah, there was too much of it.

Jodie: Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. [looks at Mack] Well, it could happen to lots of people.

Fair Enough[edit]

Brittany: Babe, this is very important to me. The Cadbury Tales are, like, classic, and I think I'd be great in the play. Just do the audition with me.
Kevin: Oh, babe...
Brittany: Because nobody plays a love scene like you Kevy.
Kevin: Awwww
Brittany: Now go practice.
Kevin: yes ma'am, break!
Brittany: Your lines!
Quinn: Wow, where's he going?
Brittany: We're going to be in a play together at the medevil fair.
Quinn: Oh, that's nice.
Brittany: We'll be the most popular ones there.

Helen: I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.
Quinn: Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.

Stacy: Then, do you think I should call him?
Daria: Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.
[Stacy leaves]
Jane: [robotically] Must-stick-head-cold-water.

See Jane Run[edit]

Daria: [Notices Jane staring at a cute guy] See something you like or just browsing?
Jane: I'm thinking about getting those running shoes.
Daria: Uh-huh. What color were they?

Evan: [referring to Jane] Have you seen this girl run like the wind?
Daria: Have you ever heard her break wind?

Pierce Me[edit]

Jane: Where are you going?
Trent: Who are you? Mom?
Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you're going.
Trent: Exactly.

Jane: [teasing] Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.
Daria: Shut up.
Jane: Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.

Write Where It Hurts[edit]

Mr. O'Neill: So, what Gardner is telling us is that the writer of fiction has a duty that goes beyond the mere telling of a story. His or her job is to tell a story in such a way as to leave the reader.... what, Kevin?
Kevin: Screaming for more full-contact martial arts excitement?
Mr. O'Neill: Daria?
Daria: I believe Mr. Gardner feels it's the writer's duty to steer the reader toward more conscientious behavior. No matter how dull that makes the story.

Future Quinn: Hi. [to kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.
SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens-
Future Quinn and Future Daria: Not that!

Season 3[edit]

Through a Lens Darkly[edit]

Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?

Mr. O'Neill: Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin?
Kevin: He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?

The Old and the Beautiful[edit]

Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
Daria: I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.

Sandi: They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
Stacy: Right.
Tiffany: Totally.
Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
Jane: Yes, it does.
Daria: Very well, I'm sold.

Depth Takes a Holiday[edit]

St. Patrick: Oh, shut up, you bloody- [Cupid drops him] idiot!
Quinn: What was that?
Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Jane: This is just like a high school.
Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
St. Patrick: It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse.
Jane: That's what we'll be saying all our lives.

St.Patrick:: You see Daria, you truly had a wonderful life
Daria: What the hell are you talking about ?

Daria Dance Party[edit]

Brittany: Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life!
Jane: Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still.

Daria: Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
Jane: Minus.
Daria: We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
Jane: Big minus.
Daria: So, we're more or less even on the night.
Jane: Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
[They see three members of the Fashion Club locked outside their house, wearing swimsuits, as snow starts to fall.]
Both: [smiling smugly at each other] Plus!

The Lost Girls[edit]

Val: How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers?
Brittany: Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L".... gosh, that's short.

Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
Daria: Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

Val: Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.
Daria: Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.
Val: What do you mean?
Daria: What do you mean? What do you mean pushing yourself as some kind of role-model, when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough, without you foisting your shallow values on them and making there lousy self-images even worse.
Val: Now look here missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher. I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.
Daria: Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers aren't going to be teenagers forever -- Unlike you -- a real role model would be teaching them stuff they could use.

Jodie: Hey, Daria, did you see the latest Val?
Jane:"My Day With D.: A disturbing true-life look at America's underground bummer culture." Wonder what this could be about.
Jodie: I'm afraid everyone's going to know that's you, Daria.
Daria: Hey, I'm jiggy with it.

It Happened One Nut[edit]

Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again.
Jane: Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.
Daria: Accountant?
Jane: That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.

Tiffany: You.... too.... can learn to.... make...
Daria: [prompts] Yes?
Tiffany: ...friends. Making... friends... is...
Daria: Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
Tiffany: .... important. Friends... can be... very..............
Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple?! What?!
Tiffany: You made me lose my place!

Daria: Now they're making me look for a job.
Jane: I thought you said they gave you a choice.
Daria: It's been 24 hours since I met with Tiffany. As far as I know, she's still there counseling me.


Daria: Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.

Daria: Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated.
Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
Daria: I'm sure they already are.

Lane Miserables[edit]

Vincent: Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it's silver nitrate.
Jane: It's poisonous?
Vincent: Yeah, and I need it for my prints.

Amanda: Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn't that great?
Trent: Does Summer know?
Amanda: She should, shouldn't she?
Trent: Well, she's kind of their mother.

Jake of Hearts[edit]

Quinn: I'm training to become a doctor so if Daddy has another heart attack, I'll be here to save him.
Daria: Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
Quinn: A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
Jake: That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Daria: You're not dying, dad.
Jake: Avenge me!
Helen: Jake, you're gonna give yourself a- never mind....

Quinn: Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
Daria: Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty. Maybe you should start off with something easier. Many coloring books feature hearts. And rainbows.

Jake: [Laying in the hospital bed] I want you to avenge me Daria
Daria: Dad, you're not dying


Quinn: Good, they're gone. We're all alone.
Daria: Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.
Quinn: Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.

Quinn: What's wrong?
Daria: A cute cowboy stole our money!
[commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted]
Quinn: Um, actually, that's not entirely true.

The Lawndale File[edit]

Tiffany: We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
Sandi: One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Mr. O'Neill: Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Sandi: A private problem.
Stacy: It's a neck zit!
Quinn: Stacy!
Tiffany: Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
[Quinn screams and runs off]
Stacy: Uh-oh.
Tiffany: Did I say the wrong thing?
Sandi: Don't worry about it.

Jane: So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.

Just Add Water[edit]

Mr. DeMartino: Ms. Li, I implore you-!
Ms. Li: Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.

Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
Mr. Demartino: Then you take them, Jane. For being so...
Jane: Yes?
Mr Demartino: ...angular.

Sandi: Excuse me, Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever.

Jane's Addition[edit]

Mr O'Neill: Tranquilizers?! Jane, have you considered homeopathy?
Jane: I'm going to stick with guys for now, but thanks for asking.

Daria: (While trying to talk to her best friend louder through the music) Hey! (Jane saw a guy in front of her) Hey!
Jane: Huh? Sorry, that guy keeps looking at me.
Daria: Yeah, I can see you're upset about that. I'm going to the bathroom.
Jane: Okay!

Tom: You like convertibles?
Jane: Sofas?
Tom: Cars.
Jane: Why, you got one?
Tom: Um.... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.
Jane: Almost the same thing.

Jane:: (At the Lane house, Trent's duck phone rings then it cuts to Jane's room where her phone rings while waking up from her bed) Yeah?
Daria:: (Then, the scene switches to the kitchen at the Morgendorfer house where Daria is seen) Oh gee, did I wake you? I guess that means you haven't been murdered. Well, that's good.
Jane: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Daria: It's almost noon.
Jane: Hmm, I guess righteous indignation isn't really appropriate then.
Daria: Not for you. No.

Trent: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
Daria: How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
Trent: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
Daria: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Trent: Sorry again about you know... everything
Daria: That's okay.
Trent: All right then, Daria. (Trent kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves) See you around.
Daria: See ya.

Trent: Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is.
Daria: I suppose we do.
Trent: I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together on this.
Daria: No, I guess it was no way it couldn't work out.

Helen: (Off screen shows 3 Morgendorfer family leaving) Meeting!
Jake: Golf!
Quinn: Date!
Daria: Sarcasm!

Kevin: I was the QB!

Season 4[edit]

Partner's Complaint[edit]

Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. [pause] Okay, I'll do it.

Brittany: I'm here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence.
Jane: She's embellishing a little.

Antisocial Climbers[edit]

Jane: I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.
Daria: You were a Girl Scout?
Jane: Not after the deprogramming.

Ms. Li: The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him.
Jane: Wow, that's kind of heroic.
Daria: He's got her video camera.
Jane: Oh, yeah.

Jodie: Mr. DeMartino, considering the low visibility, shouldn't we have a buddy system or something?
Mr. DeMartino: I had a buddy once, until I came home one night and he MARRIED my MOTHER!
(as Jane and Daria are walking by)
Jane: Do we want to hear anymore of this story?
Daria: March. Fast.

A Tree Grows in Lawndale[edit]

Daria: Gee, this won't end badly.
Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?
Jane: Dunno. We'll try that next time.

Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
Jane: [grabs Daria's notepad] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
Daria: It's a work in progress.

Murder, She Snored[edit]

Brittany: Kevvy? What's that A doing on your paper?
Mr. DeMartino: Why Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
Brittany: Thanks!

Mr DeMartino: I think one of you, Kevin, snuck into the classroom last night, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMIED LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria: But who does he really suspect?
Jane: That Jimmy guy?


Mr. O'Neill: Okay then. Jodie?
Jodie: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have this summer off.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent! And see, you've learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
Jodie: No, I've learned that my parents would rather I dropped from exhaustion than missed the opportunity to shred some congressman's incriminating phone bills.

Jane: You could try failing at being sarcastic.
Daria: [sarcastically] Yeah, like that'll work.

I Loathe a Parade[edit]

Tad: I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.
Daria: Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison.
Tad: Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get. That's what makes it so rewarding.
Daria: Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain?

Tom: It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.
Daria: Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale?
Tom: You know, I think you were.
Daria: We never had this conversation.
Tom: What conversation?

Mascot: My head is too big!
Daria: That's cuz is so full of dreams.

Tom: I don't know you well enough to wear my cape around you yet.

Of Human Bonding[edit]

Helen: No dating while we're out of town.
Quinn: Mo-om!
Helen: The boys of Lawndale will just have to suffer.

Helen: Now Sandi, a freckle or a line here or there is no sin. A few lines in a woman's face show character.
Sandi: Hm.
Helen: Except for the mean little one some people get at the corner of their mouth from scowling too much.
Sandi: Shall I pluck your eyebrows now?

Daria: Stomach pumps sold seperately.

Psycho Therapy[edit]

Helen: Excuse me, but what's going on here?
Doctor: We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire and, well, we're a little concerned.
Helen: [reading] Favorite pastime. Changing water into wine?
Daria: I knew I should have gone with the burning bush.

Jean Michel: [trying to hypnotize Daria, while Quinn watches] You are safe and calm. Feeling a warm, gentle breeze. Every bone in your body is relaxing. Easy, easy. At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you are feeling with no resistance.
Quinn: [accidentally hypnotized] Oh, Caesar! Please, don't poison me. I could love you, but those togas make your butt look so big.
Daria: Oh, God.
Quinn: And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so B.C.
Jean Michel: It looks like she's experiencing a past life regression.
Daria: You've got the regression part right.
Quinn: Help! Help! Someone help me! Some king wants to kill me for loving some soldier or something, before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eyeliner. Oh, Caesar, you big idiot! Do something!
Daria: Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's ark for a Caribbean cruise.
Jean Michel: Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems, but I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted.... considering.
Quinn: You'd think someone would have invented eyeliner before me, but no, I, Cleopatra have to come up with all my beauty products on my own! What a hard life!
Daria: At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.

Mart of Darkness[edit]

Quinn: [on the phone] Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accessory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy, it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye!

Sandi: As president of the fashion club, I'm calling an emergency meeting right now.
Stacy: But Sandi! I swear this shirt is 100% cotton. It just looks like a blend!
Sandi: Stacy, if you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber content, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving fashion violations!

Legends of the Mall[edit]

Daria: (After watching Sick Sad World with Jane, who is sitting next to Daria on the couch) If that woman were w:Judy Garland, this would make sense on a couple of levels.
Jake: Oh, come on start! Move! You're a car that's what you do! That's all you do now do it!
Daria: Ah, the struggle between man and machine.
Jane And this time, its personal.

(Phone rings)

Daria: Hello?
Jake: You're nothing but a... A DAMN RADIO WITH DOORS!
Daria: No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.
Quinn: But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
Daria: He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
Quinn : The what?
Daria: The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.

Tiffany: I can't believe no guy would give us a ride.
Stacy: Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Remember last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?

Sandi: Excuse me, but, this isn't my street!

Tiffany: What is that nooooise.

Groped by an Angel[edit]

Stacy: You know I was thinking, if people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?
Tiffany: But then how do they stay thin?
Sandi: Stacy, you were what?
Stacy: Nothing.

Ashley Amber: Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany?
Jane: Brittany?
Ashley Amber: You know, the one for whom this party is for.
Daria: Party?
Ashley Amber: Yes, party. For Brittany. Because she's becoming an honor student.
Jane: Brittany?


Daria: Relax. She's in the bathroom, marveling at its many wonders.
Bobby: Cool. Hey, is Quinn, you know, seeing anyone?
Daria: Just a dermatologist for that rash.

Trent: Can't. Practice starts at seven.
Jane: Trent, it's nine.
Trent: Hm. I'd better head out.

Dye! Dye! My Darling[edit]

Daria: Do you want to come in?
Tom: No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and making animal noises. I got kind of scared.
Daria: That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.
Tom: Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel.

Trent: Hey, you know, about Tom and all; it'll be okay.
Jane: Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.
Trent: Maybe it is.
Jane: So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?
Trent: I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

Season 5[edit]

Fizz Ed[edit]

Daria: Do you think I complain a lot?
Tom: What are you bitching about now?

Mack: Ms. Li, are you sure you want to do this?
Ms. Li: Just what are you saying, Mr. MacKenzie? It's unethical? Immoral? In direct conflict with my role as an educator?
Mack: Well, yeah, but mostly I was thinking I'm the only one on the team who can count by halves.

Sappy Anniversary[edit]

Daria: Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilitating illness and forget to share the good news?
Quinn: Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest.

Daria: Uh, well.... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and-
Helen: Oh. Um.... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not, and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares-
Daria: It's not about sex.
Helen: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."

Daria: Oh, God. This is like that scene in Pinocchio when he discovers he's growing ears like the rest of the donkeys.
Jane: Well, then, stop being an ass and go talk to Tom.

(Daria sighs and starts to leave, bowing to the inevitable)

Jane: And always let your conscience be your...
Daria: Oh, shut up!

Fat Like Me[edit]

Sandy: [sobbing] My life is over!
Quinn: Sandi! You're not thirty.

Tiffany: Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?
Stacy: There is no meeting.
Tiffany: How co-
Stacy: How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you [imitates Tiffany] stare.... in the mirror.... and talk.... about yourself.... [normal voice] and I, I, I quit!
Tiffany: Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

Camp Fear[edit]

Trent: Hey.
Jane: Let me guess: You woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.
Trent: It's not just that.

[Something is stuck in the garbage disposal, and Jake can't reach it]
Jake: Hey, Daria. You've got small hands.
Daria: But my big brain tells me not to stick them in garbage disposals.

The Story of D[edit]

Quinn: Why don't we do what we do best?
Sandi: Quinn, no one is going to pay us to eat carrot sticks.

Helen: [on the phone with her sister] Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex? [to Quinn] Where's your sister?
Quinn: In her room.
Helen: Is Tom with her?
Quinn: Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!

Lucky Strike[edit]

Ms. Li (over P.A.): Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please.
Jane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
Daria: No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.

Daria: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
Daria: Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
Daria: Romeo and Juliet.

Jane: Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up, and all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours.
Daria: I don't think he's adjusted to the time change. He appears to be writing a song with Mr. O'Neill.
Jane: He's too good-natured. If a teacher tried to take advantage of me like that, I'd tell them right where to stick it.

(Ms. Defoe approaches the girls)

Ms. Defoe: Jane, thank God. We need your taste and talent.
Daria: Go on, Jane, offer that piece of friendly advice you just mentioned.

Mr. DeMartino: My dear Mrs. Bennett. As an informed consumer, you should know that non-dairy creamer offers no sustenance whatsoever... and neither does that offer! (pulls a contract out of his pocket) This is the contract we wrote, and this is the contract she's going to sign! Cover me, boys, I'm going in! (enters the building)

(Ms. Defoe approaches Jane, who's searching the skies)

Ms. Defoe: What are you looking for, Jane?
Jane: Bombers. He'll never make it without air support.

Sandi: [gasps] Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
Stacy: Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
Tiffany: We were just being polite about it.

Art Burn[edit]

Wind: Oh no! What happened to the gazebo?
Jane: What gazebo?
Wind: That's where Mom and Dad took us when we were born to decide our names. You've got to fix it!
Jane: Um, Wind? I don't how to break this to you but I don't think Mommy and Daddy will be bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.
Trent: Hm, bummer.

Jane: Money. Money, money. I love money. I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.
Daria: You're kidding, right?
Jane: Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.

One J at a Time[edit]

Jane: Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never said an unkind word to my parents.
Daria: He never met your parents.
Jane: Oh yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.

Tiffany: This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.
Quinn: I know! Stacy, do you still have that Magic Eight Ball?

Life in the Past Lane[edit]

Jane: Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Daria: Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
Jane and Tom: Hey!

Nathan: I mean, the sixties are over.
Trent: The forties were over first.
Nathan: Good style never dies.
Trent: Funny. That's what I was going to say.

Aunt Nauseam[edit]

Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch "Gone With the Wind" with her.
Tom: [starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious] Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.

Daria: I'll make you a deal: The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your merciless silent treatment.
Quinn: Silent treatment? I never.... ha. Deal.

Prize Fighters[edit]

Jane: You're coming off all observant and honest, you know; antisocial

My Night at Daria's[edit]

Jodie: Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
Daria: So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
Jodie: Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
Daria: I understand.
Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.

Jane: Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy. 'Cause that would mean our parents are still doing it.
Daria: Which is absurd.
Jane: No chance.
Daria: I'd join the circus.
Jane: Right behind you.
Daria: Thanks for your insight.
Jane: What I'm here for.

Boxing Daria[edit]

Quinn: You know, you had a big fight about Daria and then Dad stormed out? It was very traumatic. The scars are with me to this day. Do we have any diet soda?

Helen: Daria, you can't live in that box forever!
Daria: I can once they put in my high speed Internet connection.

Is It Fall Yet? (first movie)[edit]

Mr. DeMartino: Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!
Daria: That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.

Brittany: Wait, isn't golf for old people who dress funny?
Jodie: Yeah - my parents.

Helen: Hello! You must be Tom.
Tom: I-
Helen: I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
Tom: Glad to-
Helen: Won't you come in?
Tom: I'd-
Helen: Great!

Daria: Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.

David: Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?
Daria: I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?
David: The Divine Comedy.
Daria: Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with my sister?

Quinn: Where are you going?
David: Far, far away.

Guy: [to Daniel] I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?
Alison: "My alimony bills."

Brittany: Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?
Tom: Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.
Brittany: Oh. [pause] Oh! Daria!

Andrew: We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she's on the board. Forget politics. That's power. [laughs]

David: Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"-
Tiffany: Uh-huh....
David: A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.
Tiffany: Uh-huh....

Tiffany: This toaster's really shiny.

Mr. DeMartino: Remember: If you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead! If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in detail! And hike.... whenever you feel like it!

Quinn: You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by.... blech! Got to go.

Daria: Just for the record, the police don't like it when you drive on the wrong side of the road.
Trent: Tell me about it.

Trent: We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.
Daria: How can you tell?

Daria: And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Jane Lane.
Jane: Being Jane Lane's what I do best.

Daria: Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?
Jane: Please do.

Mystik Spiral: When the aliens come,
when the death rays hum,
when the bombers bomb,
we'll still be freakin' friends!
When the whip comes down,:
when they nuke the town,:
when dead clowns can't clown,
we'll still be freakin' friends!

Jane: Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait.... what's my point?
Daria: That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.

Is It College Yet? (second movie)[edit]

Jane: What about you? Still thinking about- [snooty accent] -Bromwell?
Daria: They don't really talk like that there. I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
Jane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Bromwell applications interviewer: What are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell experience?
Daria: [thinking to self] Reap? Reap?... REAPREAP!

Trent: What about focusing on your art?
Jane: See, I can do that at Boston Fine Arts College. That's why they put in the word "arts." Come on, let's go.
Trent: I don't know. I have to get used to this whole selling out thing first.
Jane: Trent, I'm not selling out. I'm attempting to acquire the skills and knowledge that will allow me to sell out.

Trent: Hey.
Jane: Wow. You're talking to a sellout like me?
Trent: About that.
Jane: Yes?
Trent: I don't really think you're a sellout.
Jane: Well, that's not exactly an apology but you know what they say about beggers.
Trent: That they'll only spend it on booze?

Upchuck: Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too festive? Let us depart for a darker place where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion.
Andrea: You're hitting on me?
Upchuck: Um-
Andrea: Okay.
Upchuck: [squeaks] Really? [normal voice] I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher. [offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away]

Daria: I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I could do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from 8th grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, then it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise, my advice is stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and the lie are not "sort of" the same thing. And there's no aspect, no facet, no moment in life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

Jane: Daria! Your face at the pizza parlor... your face now! Did that bastard dump you?! I swear, I'm gonna...
Daria: No. I dumped him.
Jane: Wait a minute... you mean you? You're the bastard?
Daria: Yes, and the bastard is hurting like hell.

Last Dialogue of the Series:

Jane: To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?
Daria: Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?:
Jane: Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?
Daria: Yeah?
Jane: I take it back.

See also[edit]

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