Daria (season 1)

---

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main | Films: Is It Fall Yet? / Is It College Yet?

---

Daria is an American animated sitcom created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn for MTV. The series focuses on Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, acerbic, and somewhat misanthropic teenage girl who observes the world around her.

Esteemsters [1.01]

[Jake takes the girls to school]

Jake: Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?

Daria: Did we move?

Jake: [laughs] I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.

Daria: [After seeing Quinn turning up the radio] Quinn for instance?

Jake: That's not what I meant. Not necessary. [Turns radio off] The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...

Daria: [turns radio on and shouts] Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!

Jake: Uh, where was I? [turns off radio] Oh, yeah...

---

[in Mrs. Manson's office]

Mrs. Manson: Now, Quinn... what do you see here? [holds up a photo]

Quinn: It's a picture of two people talking.

Mrs. Manson: That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?

Quinn: I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.

Mrs. Manson: You won't be graded.

Quinn: Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!

Mrs. Manson: Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.

Daria: It's Daria.

Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dora?

Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.

Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.

Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.

Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

The Invitation [1.02]

Daria: These are really good. I didn't know you study life drawings

Jane: Yeah, last summer.

Daria: [viewing one of Jane's sketches]: You're really bursting out of the picture frame here.

Jane: Oh, yeah...that particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Daria: Speaking of which, Brittany invited me to her party.

Jane: No kidding, are you going?

Daria: Sure and after that I think I'll swallow glass. What? Do you wanna go?

Jane: Oh no I much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to Come As You Are. I bet it get some great sketches there.

Daria: Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you wanna go just make believe that you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people who look alike anyway.

Jane: [Takes Daria's glasses and pretends to be her] Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell. [Takes off Daria's glasses] It won't work my face is too expressive.

---

[Jane walks up to Daria with a sock on her shoulder]

Daria: So, what happened to Bobby Big-head?

Jane: I wasn't really interested.

Daria: Too bad. [holds up sock] Is this yours?

Jane: Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?

Daria: I was ready to go before we got here.

College Bored [1.03]

Daria: One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.

[Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out]

Helen: Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.

Quinn: Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.

Helen: Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.

Quinn: Wait a minute!

Daria: Maybe we can sit together!

---

[Daria's daydream]

Professor: Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.

Daria: I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.

Professor: But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.

Daria: Well...

Professor: Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.

Daria: Oh! Okay.

Professor: Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!

Daria: How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

[daydream ends]

Cafe Disaffecto [1.04]

Mr. O'Neill: Hi, Daria. What's up?

Daria: I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse.

Mr. O'Neill: Fantastic! What made you change your mind?

Daria: Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop Goes the Weasel" on the flute every day for a year?

Mr. O'Neill: Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday." Whatever made me want to join a fraternity. [laughs] Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays.

Daria: No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing.

Mr. O'Neill: Maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do.

Daria: I don't know if that's such a great idea. That's the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names.

Mr. O'Neill: Oh, yeah.

Daria: I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?

Mr. O'Neill: Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!

Daria: Can I go with my friend Jane?

Mr. O'Neill: Sure! She wants to help out?

Daria: Mmm-hmm. She's a big joiner.

---

Daria: How about, The Bleakness That Lies Ahead?

Jane: Too sentimental.

Daria: No Life, No Hope, No Future?

Jane: Too pie in the sky.

Daria: Mommy's Little Hypocrite?

Jane: Too much like a children's book.

Daria: I wish I were dead...

Jane: That sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive.

Daria: Are you marketing your own fragrance now? [sighs] I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion.

Malled [1.05]

Daria: I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

Mrs. Bennett: What are you talking about, Daria?

Daria: If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

Mrs. Bennett: But you're in an enclosed space now.

Daria: Yes... and I'm really itchy?

Jane: These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss. [class reacts with revulsion and Daria glares at Jane] Just trying to help.

---

Daria: I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

[Jane attempts to open window and fails]

Upchuck: Allow me, fair maiden. [tries to open the window, but fails]

Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.

Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-

Jane: Teen Spirit?

Daria: Cheap perfume.

Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.

This Year's Model [1.06]

Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?

Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?

Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.

Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?

Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!

Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

Ms. Li: The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.

Jane: Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit.

Ms. Li: Excellent!

Jane: May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.

---

Helen: I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity...

Quinn: So is dating, if you do it right.

Helen: ...in which your value as a human being is decided entirely on how you look.

Quinn: When does the bad part come in?

The Lab Brat [1.07]

Helen: Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.

Daria: I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.

Helen: [groans] Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day?

Quinn: It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...

Helen: [pleading] Daria, please tell me about the project.

Daria: [sighs] It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.

Helen: Sounds super.

Daria: Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.

Helen: Wow. That's fantastic!

---

Daria: In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own Brittany, was repeatedly abused by a ten year old boy; as a result the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions occur in humans: take the mugging victim beaten with nunchucks in an alleyway, as he or she recalls the attacker's face, his graggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.

Kevin: Really?

Mrs. Barch: Don't interrupt, hateful scum! [Smiling] Excellent job, Daria, you get an A.

Kevin: All right!

Mrs. Barch: Not you, you man! You get a D!

Kevin: All right!

Pinch Sitter [1.08]

Mr. Gupty: Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, ha, we don't allow that.

Daria: No problem. I'm flying solo these days.

Mrs. Gupty: Then I guess it's not an issue.

Daria: Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.

Mrs. Gupty: What?

Quinn: [short laugh] She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. [scowls] Ha, ha, Daria.

Daria: Ha, ha, Quinn.

Mr. Gupty: Ha ha! Well, you'll need a sense of humour to tangle with our little devils!

Mrs. Gupty: Lester!

Mr. Gupty: No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!

Daria: Bye. [hangs up] $10 surcharge if I have to spend more than 15 minutes with the parents.

Quinn: That's fair.

---

[Daria's flashback #1: toddler Daria is seated at a table, baby Quinn in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, attempting to feed Quinn; the table is a mess, and Quinn is crying]

Little Daria: Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now? [Daria throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs]

[flashback #2: a slightly older Daria and Quinn are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly]

Kid Quinn: Brain!

Kid Daria: Brat!

Kid Quinn: Brain!

Kid Daria: Brat!

Kid Quinn: Brain!

Baby-sitter: Stop that! Stop that! Oh! [drops cane] It's my heart!

[flashback #3: a preteen Daria and a young Quinn are seated between their teenaged girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation]

Child Daria: You know, she stuffs her bra.

Child Quinn: Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.

[flashback ends]

Too Cute [1.09]

[Quinn and Daria are at Dr. Shar's office]

Dr. Shar: [into phone] Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! [hangs up] So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?

Quinn: It's my nose.

Dr. Shar: Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!

Quinn: It's a schnoz?!

Dr. Shar: No! It's the tiniest little thing.

Quinn: Thank you. Can you fix it?

Dr. Shar: Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. [camera focuses on Quinn] Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?

Quinn: I have cheekbones.

[Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones]

Dr. Shar: We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.

Quinn: I don't have cheekbones!

[image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements"]

Dr. Shar: All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! [beauty mark appears on image] And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. [Quinn's long red hair is replaced with curly blonde hair] [prints out the image]

Quinn: I'm too cute!

Dr. Shar: And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?

Daria: Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?

Dr. Shar: Alright, funny gal! Your turn.

Daria: No. Thank you!

Dr. Shar: Nothing to be afraid of.

Daria: I'm not afraid.

Dr. Shar: It'll be fun!

Daria: I don't like fun!

[camera focuses on Daria]

Dr. Shar: Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? [she quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn] It's a start!

Quinn: Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?

---

Daria: Pledge drive not going well?

Quinn: People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Upchuck.

Daria: Why?

Quinn: Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.

Daria: Listen, Quinn...

Quinn: You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.

Daria: Quinn...

Quinn: Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.

Daria: Quinn...

Quinn: I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! [melodramatic tone] Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?

Daria: You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.

Quinn: Why do I even bother talking to you?

The Big House [1.10]

Helen: Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.

Daria: I didn't know I had a curfew.

Jake: Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...

Helen: Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...

Quinn: Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!

Helen: No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.

Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

Daria: Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?

Jake: It can't be Jefferson.

Quinn: Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

---

Helen: Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?

Daria: Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.

Jake: Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?

Quinn: This sucks!

Helen: What have I said about using that word?

Quinn: That you'll ground me or something?

Jake: Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.

[clock chimes]

Helen: See? This will fly by in no time.

Road Worrier [1.11]

Jesse: You'd never catch me in a job like that.

Daria: [thinking] Because it falls under the category of employment.

Trent: Hey, man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.

Daria: [thinking] Still living over your parent's garage?

Jane: [loud whisper] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.

Jesse: We've got a vision.

Trent: Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.

Jesse: Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.

Trent: No way.

Jane: 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. [looks at Daria] Well, someone had to pick up the slack!

---

Daria: Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.

Jane: Well, you're not your usual sunny self.

Daria: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...

Jane: And all in front of Trent.

Daria: ...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.

Jane: Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.

Daria: [sighs] Okay.

Jane: Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? [Daria glares at her] Kidding! It looks alternative.

The Teachings of Don Jake [1.12]

Quinn: Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.

Jake: $50 an hour?

Helen: Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.

Jake: $800 a month??

Daria: Mail's here. Did you know congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?

Jake: 250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?

Helen: Jake, were you listening? Daria said--

Jake: Tutoring, dental work, congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]

Helen: Oh Jakey, not again

Jake: IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE!

Daria: Oh no, get the camera!

Quinn: Ah.

Helen: No camera Daria. Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?

Jake: Yeah. He said it'll be $200.

---

Jane: Lemme get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?

Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

Jane: I do envy you.

Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.

Jane: You know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane Family Reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.

Daria: I wouldn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.

Jane: They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them closer together.

Daria: You know, a weekend is the woods is starting to look good.

Jane: A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look good.

The Misery Chick [1.13]

Helen: Why, Quinn, you look darling!

Jake: You look so happy, sweetie!

Quinn: I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."

[screen shows Quinn's school picture]

Helen: I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?

Daria: Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?

Helen: Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?

[Daria hands over her picture]

Jake: Wow! That's sharp focus...

Helen: Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?

Daria: I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.

Helen: Daria, people judge you by your expressions.

Daria: Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.

Quinn: Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]

---

Kevin: Tommy Sherman.

Tommy: That's the name, don't wear it out.

Kevin: I'm your biggest fan.

Tommy: I doubt that, unless the rest of them are pygmies, ha ha.

Kevin: I'm Kevin Thompson, this is Michael Jordan MacKenzie, we call him Mac

Tommy: Michael Jordan Mackenzie! You're kidding, right.

Michael: It was Michael James MacKenzie. My dad went a Bulls playoff game when I was 12, and... then he changed it.

Tommy: That's sick man, so what you guys, on the intermural squad, or something?

Kevin: Varsity dude, I'm the QB.

[Tommy Sherman laughs pompously, then Kevin laughs too, unaware of what is so funny]

Tommy: [annoyed] Why are you laugh?

Kevin: Um, why are you?

Tommy: I'm just picturing a scrawny little guy like you, trying to play for some third-rate junior college somewhere, and getting your butt kicked every week.

Kevin: Oh yeah, that's funny.

Michael: No, it isn't.