Is It College Yet?

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Is It College Yet? is a 2002 American animated television comedy-drama film written by Glenn Eichler and Peggy Niccoll, and directed by Karen Disher. First broadcast on January 21, 2002, the film was the second of two movie-length installments of MTV's animated television series Daria, and served as the series finale.

Dialogue

Jane: I must say I'm honored you've chosen to spend your valuable Saturday night with me. What happened? Tom's parents send him off for more 40-watt bulbs?

Daria: I was just craving a bit of sisterhood, so long as it doesn't involve my actual sister. What'd you do today?

Jane: I actually accomplished something... I mean, other than getting up. I applied to Lawndale State and State University.

Daria: Really? Why? I thought you wanted to go to Boston Fine Arts College?

Jane: I do want to go to BFAC, but unlike Lawndale State and State U, you have to have talent to get in. So they give you extra time to put together a killer art portfolio.

Daria: How's that going?

Jane: Why, it's going so well that when you called to go out, I only cried tears of relief for 10 minutes. What about you? Still thinking about... [snooty accent] ...Bromwell?

Daria: They don't really talk like that there... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.

Jane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain. What about your safeties?

Daria: I've applied to Raft, Ellis, Lloyd...

Jane: Raft's your safety? Gutsy, Morgendorffer.

Daria: No, no, no. Raft's my second choice. My parents won't think I've sent out enough applications if I only get rejected from one place.

Jane: Hey, Raft's in Boston, right? Wouldn't it be great if we went to college in the same town? We could meet on the weekends to eat pizza and complain.

Daria: Well, they say college is all about broadening your horizons.

[Jake and Helen are seated on the sofas; Jake goes through the mail, while Helen is reading a legal brief]

Jake: [holding a bill] Gaaaah! $600 for shoes? That you walk in? On the ground?

Helen: Relax, Jake. I'll take care of it. [stands up] Quinn! I want you to come downstairs and explain yourself!

Daria: [entering by the front door] Finally, the mystery will be solved.

Quinn: [coming from the kitchen, speaking on phone] Sandi, I know you're not color blind, I'm just saying tangerine isn't as orange as... [sees look on Helen's face] ...call you back. [hangs up] Sorry, Fashion Club crisis.

Helen: Never mind. What's this six hundred dollar charge at Cashman's?

Quinn: But Mom, I actually saved money by buying faux alligator instead of real alligator.

Helen: Well, you can also save your excuses. The shoes are going back.

Quinn: But I can't return them. Final markdown. However, if it makes you feel better, I promise never to buy on sale again.

Helen: You're not buying anything, period, until you pay off this bill.

Quinn: I understand. I shall require a substantial increase in my allowance.

Jake and Helen: No!

Quinn: But you know I don't have any money. It's why I have to buy on credit. Let's work together, Mother, and attack the problem at its source.

Helen: Good idea. You'll have to go out and get a job.

Quinn: Uh! [coughs] Water. [runs to the kitchen]

Daria: Hope she doesn't get any on the shoes.

Jake: Gah!

Helen: Sit down, Jake. She's not wearing them. [to Daria] Shouldn't you be working on your college applications?

Jake: Hey, yeah! You know, Daria, I'd be happy to give your application to Middleton a quick going over. I think I know a thing or two about what they like at the old alma mater.

Daria: Ummm, gee, thanks. Yes... I... uh, you're right. I should be working on my applications. Right now. [gets up from the sofa, and goes upstairs]

Helen: You know, Jake, just because we went to Middleton doesn't mean Daria will. She's applying to a lot of different places.

Jake: Oh, sure. But why would she want to go to just any old college when she could follow in our footsteps? Middleton's a Morgendorffer tradition.

Helen: So's military school.

Jake: Bite your tongue, Helen. No daughter of mine is ever going to share a latrine with 50 hateful boys who can sniff out weakness like day-old cheese.

Helen: Let's hope not, dear.

[the Fashion Club members are celebrating Stacy's birthday]

Stacy: Guys, it is so nice of you to take me out on my birthday.

Sandi: Our pleasure, Stacy. Just because the rest of us had dates on our birthdays...

Stacy: Oh, yes, Sandi. You mentioned that. Boy, I can't believe I'm another year older. Time goes by so fast.

Quinn: I know. Just yesterday I was playing with makeup starter kits, and today I'm being forced out in the working world. And I thought these were supposed to be the carefree years.

Stacy: I know, Quinn. Why don't you get a job here? There are lots of cute guys, and the hostesses get to dress up and wear hoopy earrings.

Sandi: Stacy! Are you suggesting that a Fashion Club member serve the public?

Tiffany: Stacy, tsk.

[Stacy whimpers]

Quinn: Uh, geez, Sandi, it's not that bad an idea. This place is sort of fun, and it wouldn't be like the kind of job where you'd endanger your nails or anything.

Tiffany: Mmmm... good point.

Sandi: Fine, if you want to sully the fine name...

[a waitress approaches, bearing a cake with a lit candle on top, and places it in front of Stacy]

Tiffany: Surprise...

Quinn: Make a wish, Stacy!

[Stacy is about to blow the candle]

Sandi: And don't worry. I'm sure that chocolate won't cause your sensitive skin to break out.

[Stacy blows the candle out]

Quinn and Tiffany: [clapping] Yay!

Stacy: Thanks, guys.

Sandi: What'd you wish for?

Stacy: Ummm, nothing.

Sandi: Come on, Stacy. Tell us! Don't be your usual drippy self.

Stacy: Nothing. Anyway, it didn't come true.

[the manager escorts Quinn to the hostess station]

Michael: Lindy, this is Quinn. I just hired her to be our new hostess.

Lindy: Great! I can really use the help. Have you done hostessing before?

Quinn: Actually, um, this is my first job.

Lindy: Really? Are you still in high school?

Quinn: Umm, yeah. Although, people say I dress like I'm older.

Lindy: Well, this isn't all that different from high school, except instead of telling teachers your homework isn't ready, you're telling customers their table isn't ready. And they can't take a single point off your grade.

[Quinn laughs]

Quinn: And so I seated this one couple right next to this other couple, and all of a sudden, the guy at the first table started screaming at the girl at the second table. I mean, how was I to know that she dumped that guy for the other one?

Stacy: Quinn, that's terrible!

Quinn: I know! The first guy was a lot cuter. [sees Sandi approach] Hey Sandi!

Stacy: How are you?

[Sandi moves lips but no sounds come forth]

Quinn: What did you say Sandi?

[Sandi does it again; still no sound]

Tiffany: Whaaat?

[Sandi glares, then writes something on a notepad she passes to Quinn]

Quinn: [reading notepad] Can't talk. Laryngitis. Sandi! You lost your voice!

Daria: [sits on sofa and reads letter from large envelope] "Welcome to Raft." Great, one down. [opens envelope and reads letter] "Thank you for your interest in Bromwell... record number of qualified applicants..." Waiting list! Well, I guess that's settled.

Helen: Daria, is everything all right?

Daria: I got into Raft.

Helen: You did? Congratulations!

Daria: Don't put on your party hat just yet. I've been wait-listed at Bromwell.

Helen: Oh. Daria, I'm sorry. Although Bromwell's still not out of the question.

Daria: You're right. The entire incoming class could still be stricken with a crippling disease, moving me up a couple of notches on the waiting list.

Helen: Honey, I know you're disappointed, but Raft is a great university, and it's smaller the Bromwell so you'll probably get more individual attention.

Daria: Says the woman who thinks Bromwell is a magic carpet ride to success. Don't patronize me.

Helen: Don't patronize me, Daria. I haven't changed my opinion of Bromwell, but I haven't changed my opinion of Raft, either. It's a wonderful school.

Daria: It's just not the wonderful school. [leaves]

Daria: Hello?

Tom: [on phone] Hey, Daria. [split screen with Daria on the right] What's the matter?

Daria: I can't do a thing with my hair. Oh, and I've been wait-listed at Bromwell.

Tom: Wait-listed? Nobody gets in from the wait-list.

Daria: Stop being so diplomatic, would you?

Tom: God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out. I'm just shocked.

Daria: I did get accepted to Raft.

Tom: I can't believe it. I was sure you'd get in.

Daria: Did I mention that I was accepted at Raft?

Tom: Yeah. I mean, that's good.

Daria: Try to control your enthusiasm. Hmm, what about you? You hear anything? (Tom doesn't answer) You got into Bromwell.

Tom: That's sort of why I was calling.

Daria: Well, surprise of surprises. A Sloane at Bromwell.

Tom: Hey, come on, Daria. It wasn't a sure thing.

Daria: Your uncle built them a wing. The only thing that might have kept you out of Bromwell is a murder conviction, and even then, only if you'd killed the Dean of Students.

Tom: Hey, it's not my fault you had a shaky interview.

Daria: Yes, well, nothing like dropping a few ancestor anecdotes to convince them of your qualifications. I got into Raft without any interview at all.

Tom: I'm not gonna touch that one.

Daria: What are you saying? I got in because they didn't meet me? Screw you! [slams phone down]

[Daria is seated on her bed when Helen enters]

Helen: Daria, can we finish our conversation?

Daria: Tom got into Bromwell. So you see, they're not rejecting everyone.

Helen: Oh, well, some people have a certain... edge over the rest of us.

Daria: You don't say. [sighs] Look, I didn't mean to snap at you, but you're the one who told me about the advantages of a Bromwell education.

Helen: That doesn't mean Raft...

Daria: I didn't get into the school that I wanted, and you wanted for me. What am I supposed to think about my prospects?

Helen: Your prospects? Daria, you'll be going to your second choice college, not prison. Look at me: I went to Middleton. It's not half the school that Raft is.

Daria: What?

Helen: Middleton's not half the school that Raft is, as you know damned well. I applied to college during the height of the baby boom. Competition was so fierce I got rejected from my first and second choices. And, see, I lived to tell about it.

Daria: Hmm.

Helen: I made the most of the education I did get, and so will you. Raft is an excellent school. You should be very proud. I know I am.

Daria: Um, Dad seems to think Middleton's hot stuff.

Helen: Your father needs to maintain certain illusions about his youth in order to function. It's... [forced laugh] ...cute.

Daria: I hope I don't end up the same way.

Helen: Daria, you're destined for great things no matter where you go to school. I know it.

Daria: Hmmm. Alright, then. I suppose I can stop worrying about getting into college and start worrying about this disgusting elitism I have managed to develop during the process.

Helen: Good. That'll keep you from worrying about what kind of weirdo you'll get for a roommate.

[Daria groans]

Daria: [sits on her bed while reading a book as the phone rings] Hello?

[split screen with Tom]

Tom: That crack I made was stupid and completely out of line.

Daria: Thank you for the bulletin, but I already knew that.

Tom: Forgive me?

Daria: What's in it for me?

Tom: Let's say, for the sake of argument, that my family connections at Bromwell did help me get in. I'm sure that my parents would be happy to write a letter of recommendation for you. What do you say?

Daria: Yes, Virginia, there really is such a thing as noblesse oblige. Thanks, but I'll pass. I'd rather get in on my own merits, and besides, I think I'm gonna like Raft just fine.

Tom: You sure?

Daria: Yeah, but thanks.

[Daria picks up her phone and dials the Sloane's number]

Tom: [on the phone] Hello?

Daria: Hey. You know that letter we talked about?

[split screen with Tom]

Tom: You mean the one you wanted my parents to write?

Daria: The one you offered to have them write. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

Tom: Great. I knew you'd come around.

Daria: Then you know me better than I know myself.

Tom: I'll ask my parents right now. I'm sure they do this kind of things all the time.

Tom: Right... the good form letter. Let me catch them before they go out. Call me later?

Daria: Sure. Um, thanks. [Tom hangs up] Damn.

Stacy: [in the kitchen, holding a bottle and reading instructions] "Curse Begone. For the reversal and elimination of curses, spells and incantations. No animals were harmed to make this product, other than the ones we sacrificed." Boy, I hope this stuff works, or Sandi will never talk to me again. Actually, she'll never talk to anyone again. [laughs] That's not funny, Stacy!

[at Stacy's bedroom, Sandi and Tiffany are sitting; Stacy enters bearing a tray with sodas; Sandi points to her wristwatch]

Stacy: Sandi, I'm so sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to make sure the ice in your soda was crushed enough because I know how you hate big or even medium chunks of ice. You know, my Mom says soda rots your teeth, but if it were really true, wouldn't you see a lot more people in high school with dentures or no teeth at all, just tiny little stubs?

Tiffany: Stacy. Eww...

Stacy: Sorry. So, how are the sodas? I mean, not that they shouldn't be okay.

Tiffany: [coughs] Ewww. What's in this?

Stacy: Oh, no! I must have given you the one with the potion. [Tiffany coughs and grabs her throat, Sandi writes in her notepad, and show it to Stacy; on it is written "WHAT?"] Oh, Sandi, I am so sorry. See, when I was blowing out my birthday candles, I accidentally wished you'd be, well, quiet, and then you lost your voice and I was afraid to tell you so I got this curse under stuff over the Internet and I guess I used too much because I really wanted you to be cured, and then Tiffany got it by mistake and I am so sorry! [Tiffany is still coughing; Sandi writes "SABOTEUR!" on her notepad and shows it to Stacy] No, Sandi, I swear! I didn't try to kill you! See, it's only Cayenne pepper, cooking oil, and some big long name. Sandi, you know I would never hurt anybody, especially not you. I mean, I really, really care about people. Please, I'll do anything to make it up to you! Just tell me what to do.

Man: How long is the wait for two?

Shawna: Table 21 is ready.

Lindy: [to newly arrived couple] I'll seat you right now.

[various customers grumble and protest as Michael approaches]

Michael: I'm sorry. Is there a problem here?

Lady #2: That hostess seated those people who just came in, and we've been waiting forty minutes.

Michael: My apologies. Let me see what I can do, and dessert's on me. [he checks the reservation book, and notices a cup under the desk] Hmm. [on closer inspection, the cup, bearing a pink lipstick mark, contains some orange liquid; he takes a small taste, and frowns when he discovers it's an alcoholic beverage] Folks, we've been holding a table for six we can split up. Please, come with me and I'll get you settled right away. [to Lindy and Quinn, who've just come back to the welcome desk] Then the three of us are gonna have a little talk.

Quinn: [to Lindy] What's that about?

Lindy: Oh, Quinn, I'd never thought he'd find it there.

Quinn: Find what?

Lindy: My screwdriver.

Quinn: Lindy! You've been drinking?!

Lindy: Just a little hair of the dog. I wouldn't have done it except I'm really hung over.

Quinn: But we're at work!

Lindy: I know. Damn, damn, damn! Quinn, listen to me. Normally, I would never, ever ask you to do something like this, but I'm in college, I'm broke, I really need this job. Maybe if we said we think one of the bus boys left it there or something?

Quinn: But then, won't they get in trouble?

Michael: Ladies, Shawna's gonna man your post for a while. Come with me. [cut to his office] Okay, I want to know whose cup this is. Quinn?

Quinn: Umm, it's not mine.

Lindy: We don't know whose it is.

Michael: Then explain to me why this smudge here matches your lipstick.

Lindy: That could be anybody's lipstick!

Michael: Not really.

Lindy: For instance, Quinn asked me if she could try my lipstick... not that I'm saying it's hers, of course...

Quinn: [profoundly disappointed] Oh, Lindy...

Michael: [not buying it for a second] Come on, Lindy.

Lindy: Please, Michael, I've never done anything like this before, I swear. I don't even like to drink. It's just I have this migraine...

Michael: I'm gonna have to let you go.

Jeffy: Alright! Last day of school. No more classes.

Jamie: Or homework!

Joey: Or those things with the pages!

Jeffy: Books?

Joey: Yeah, that's it.

[they pass in front of Mack at his locker; camera stays on Mack as Jodie enters]

Jodie: I want to talk to you. Alone.

[at O'Neill's classroom]

Mack: Okay. Obviously, you found out that I went to see your father.

Jodie: And told him what I confided in you.

Mack: Look, I was just trying to help.

Jodie: Yeah? Well, as a result of your butting in... I'm going to Turner! I'm going to Turner!

Mack: You are? That's great!

Jodie: My parents said that if I was so upset about Crestmore that I applied to Turner behind their backs, they had to respect my feelings. They told me I'd earned the right to be treated like an adult.

Mack: I knew you'd work it out.

Jodie: I wouldn't have worked it out without you. Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you?

[Jodie and Mack kiss and they separate as Ms. Barch barges into the classroom]

Barch: Jodie! Mack! Have you seen Mr. O'Neill?

Mack: Nope, haven't seen him.

Barch: Oh sure. All you males stick together!

Brittany: Kevvie, do you want to go to the place we have to go to get the cap and gown with me?

Kevin: Mmmm, nah! But, you go ahead.

Brittany: Why? Did you already get yours?

Kevin: Um, Brit... remember when you said you'd still be my babe, no matter where I went to school?

Brittany: Umm... I think so.

Kevin: But you will, right?

Brittany: Sure! Where are you going?

Kevin: [points to Lawndale High School] Right here, babe!

Brittany: Huh?

Kevin: Right here. Lawndale High. See, um, my grades were so good, they want to see if I can do it again.

Brittany: Ohhh. Wait a minute... your grades aren't good... Kevvie, you flunked!

Kevin: No, no, no! I just, um, didn't pass. But, see, if I repeat this year, then my grades will be really good. Mr. O'Neill says I can go away to any college in the country!

Brittany: Really?

Kevin: Or did he say some college way out in the country? Anyway, we're still, like, boyfriend and girlfriend, right? [takes Brittany's hand]

Brittany: [puts her other hand behind her back]- Ummm, sure.

[they kiss; behind her back, Brittany has crossed her fingers]

Tom: Um, I've been thinking a lot about why you said we should break up, and I don't disagree. I just wanted to know: you liked me for a while, right?

Daria: Tom, come on. I still like you. You're a good guy. A little spoiled, a hair smug, a triffle egotistical.

Tom: This isn't going quite the way I hoped.

Daria: But a smart, funny guy who's basically very caring and sensitive in the not-pukey way. I'm glad we went out. It was a really good experience.

Tom: You mean that?

Daria: Yeah, of course. What's the matter with you?

Tom: Nothing. It's just... I really look up to you, and your opinion's important to me.

Daria: You look up to me? Huh.

Tom: Do you think next year I could call you from school, and we could compare notes on our lives in a completely nonromantic fashion? You know, like friends?

Daria: Hmm, yeah. Yeah! That's a good idea. Call me. That'll be nice.

Tom: OK. I'm starting to feel a little better. How about you?

Daria: [sees Helen behind the window] I've got one more bed of hot coals to walk through first.

Helen: Daria! Hi! How was the last day of school? Do you want to lie down?

Daria: I have an announcement to make.

Helen: Oh, God, Daria! It'll be all right, I promise!

Daria: I have broken up with my boyfriend. Yes, it hurts, but it was my idea, and despite the pain I feel, I remain convinced it is for the best. I am looking forward to summer, and, to my amazement, excited about college next year. Now I shall go to my room without taking questions. Ignore any muffled screams you may hear, especially if they're Quinn's. [goes upstairs]

Jake: She and Tom broke up? Just like that? No clues, no warning signs? I'd better go talk to her! This could drive her back to military school! What should I say? Damn it, Helen! Where's our copy of Mr. Spock?

Helen: Jake, your concern is very sweet, but I think she's going to be okay.

Daria: Just tell me what I did to make you drag me to Jodie's graduation party?

Jane: You need a break from the break-up. One more night with those whose stupidity has so tormented and entertained us, lo, these many years. A farewell to dopes!

Upchuck: Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too... festive? Let us depart for a darker place, where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion!

Andrea: [slightly incredulous] You're hitting on me?

Upchuck: [a bit deflated] Um...

Andrea: Okay.

Upchuck: [squeaks] Really?! [clears throat] I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher! [he offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away]

Jane: Behold, Daria! The group dynamic you crave so much!

Daria: I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad form.

Jodie: Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. No Tom tonight?

Daria :Um, no Tom no more.

Jodie: What? He dumped both of you? I mean...

Jane: Au contraire! Tom was the dumpee!

Jodie: Wow!

Daria: Yes, I terminated the relationship so I could indulge my compulsive need to play the field.

Brittany: Hi, Daria! Hi, Jane! Where's Tom?

Daria: Um, covert mission.

Brittany: Really? I didn't know he was religious.

Kevin: Hey, Daria! Where's that guy you know?

Brittany: He joined a mission!

Kevin: Really? He's going to Mars?

Quinn: So, once I paid off my credit card bill, I just quit. My friend was already gone, and I mean, who works in the summer? Puh-lease!

Jamie: You're so good with money, Quinn!

Joey: Could you balance my checkbook?

Jeffy: You've got fiscal smarts!

Sandi: [arrives] Well, I see I'm the only one who still believes in arriving fashionably late.

Stacy: Sandi! You got your voice back!

Quinn: That's great, Sandi!

Tiffany: Yeah... great...

Sandi: Stacy, you'll be happy to know I figured how you can almost make it up to me for the physical and emotional anguish you caused. [hands papers to Stacy]

Stacy: You have? Oh, Sandi, thank you! [reads papers] Organize your Waif magazine inventory, ironing any and all wrinkled pages... take over babysitting your brothers all summer... clean your lipstick tubes...

Tiffany: Whoa, Stacy... I pity you.

Stacy: Um, Sandi, I'm really, really sorry about what happened and all, but this seems kind of... unfair. I mean, we don't know if I really made you lose your voice, right?

Sandi: Are you saying you don't care if you jeopardize your status in the Fashion Club?

Stacy: [after a short pause] Sandi, if this is what it'll take to keep me in the Fashion Club, maybe I'm better off taking a sabbatical like Quinn.

Sandi: Um... fine. But you're missing out, because Quinn is coming back. Right, Quinn?

Quinn: Um, actually, Sandi, the time off was a nice change of pace. I'm thinking of extending my sabbatical.

Sandi: What?

Tiffany: Huh. I think I'll take a sabbatical, too.

Sandi: Well, that is certainly an amusing coincidence, because tonight I was going to announce my sabbatical from the Fashion Club. Yes, I find that your precious club no longer serves my needs as a multi-faceted young woman of today. It's just too confining.

Quinn: Gosh! Does this mean there isn't any more Fashion Club?

Sandi: I guess it's time to move on.

Quinn: It's like the end of an era.

Stacy: I'm gonna miss it.

Tiffany: Me, too.

[the four ex-Fashion Clubbers burst into tears]

Sandi: You want to come over tomorrow and discuss what we'll do with all our new free time?

Quinn: That's a great idea, Sandi!

Stacy: I'll bring some magazines to look at.

Tiffany: I can't wait to brainstorm.

Sandi: Then it's a date.

Jane: [about Tom] He said he looked up to you?

Daria: Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird.

Jane: Well, I kind of take what you say seriously. That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in.

Daria: [smiles] Jane Lane! What did you say?

Jane: You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more parties.

Daria: I knew you could do it. I knew it! [Jane takes a bow] Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Jane: I just found out today. Besides, you know what a drama queen I am. So, what do you say? Make a pledge right now to go up there and get separate boyfriends? [pause] Thanks for talking me into applying.

Daria: Thanks for helping me get through high school.

Jane: Me at BFAC, you at Raft. You think it's true that things happen for a reason?

[pause]

Daria and Jane: Naah!

Jodie: [speaking] For today we leave the days of our youth behind and begin our journey into adulthood. Many years from now, I'm sure we will look back on our days at Lawndale High with a great fondness, for what once was, and will never be again.

Daria: That last part sounded good.

Jodie: Thank you.

[everyone claps and cheers from the audience as Jodie steps back and Ms. Li comes to the microphone]

Ms. Li: Thank you, Jodie Landon, valedictorian of the graduating class of Laaawndale High. And remember, parents, your child doesn't have to be a current student for us to accept your generous donations. And now, people, and now... and now, awards time! We'll do the sports and other good prizes after I get these academic jobbies is out of the way. Now, as you know, at Lawndale High we prefer to reward students for both their scholarship and contribution to student life. But, occasionally, a student does so well in one area that we are forced to recognize him or her despite crippling deficiencies in the other. And so, I give you the winner of this year's Lawndale High School Diane Fossey Award for dazzling academic achievement in the face of near-total misanthropy... Ms. Daria Morgendorffer!

Mr. O'Neill: Bravo, bravo!

Mr. DeMartino: Very good, Daria! You go, girlfriend!

Mr. O'Neill: Brav... oh!

Mr. DeMartino: Alright, Timothy! This is it! You've gone this far; you can't turn back now! (leaves)

Mr. O'Neill: Anthony! Where are you going?

Mr. DeMartino: Sorry, but that right hook is a killer!

Mr. O'Neill: Now, Janet, I know you're disappointed...

Ms. Barch: No, I'm not! I'm intrigued...

Mr. O'Neill: ...but as the poet said, time will heal thy wounded heart in... you're what?

Ms. Barch: Intrigued by this alluring new backbone of yours. Where have you been hiding that erogenous chutzpah all these years, you big lug?

Mr. O'Neill: Oh, well, I...

[Ms. Barch grabs O'Neill and gives him a kiss so strong it nearly sucks the fillings out of his teeth; witnessing this, DeMartino pounds his head on one of the stage supports]

Daria: Um... thank you. I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise, my advice is: stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong; remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked; the truth and a lie are not "sort of the same thing"; and there's no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

[everyone claps and cheers from the audience as Daria exits podium]

[last scene of the film and series]

Jane: So, dazzling academic achievement, eh? What a sellout.

Daria: I know. And then I had the perfect opportunity to beat Ms. Li senseless with my trophy, and what do I do? Give a heart-warming speech.

Jane: You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.

Daria: Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

Jane: To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?

Daria: Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?

Jane: Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?

Daria: Yeah?

Jane: I take it back. [she and Daria both toast their cups]

[the credits roll as various "alter ego" renderings depict possible future careers and scenarios for nearly all of the series' characters as the film itself ends]

Cast

Tracy Grandstaff as Daria Morgendorffer
Julián Rebolledo as Jake Morgendorffer
Wendy Hoopes as Helen Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, and Jane Lane
Alvaro J. Gonzales as Trent Lane
Russell Hankin as Tom Sloane
Marc Thompson as Anthony DiMartino, Timothy O'Neill, Kevin Thompson and Jamie White
Tim Novikoff as Jeffy
Steven Huppert as Joey
Jessica Cyndee Jackson as Jodie Landon
Amir Williams as Michael Jordan "Mack-Daddy" Mackenzie
Janie Mertz as Sandi Griffin and Brittany Taylor
Sarah Drew as Stacy Rowe
Ashley Albert as Tiffany Blum-Decker
Nora Laudani as Angela Li
Bart Fasbender as Andrew Landon
Laurine Towler as Michele Landon
Rand Bridges as Bill Woods
Jessica Hardin as Lindy
Daniel Milledge as Angier Sloane
Amanda Fox as Katherine Sloane
John Lynn as Sick, Sad World Announcer

External links