Don Marquis

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If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.

Donald Robert Perry Marquis (29 July 187829 December 1937) was an American humorist, journalist, novelist, poet, cartoonist, newspaper columnist, and playwright most famous for creating the characters "Archy" the cockroach, and "Mehitabel" the cat.


  • Between the years of ninety-two and a hundred and two, however, we shall be the ribald, useless, drunken, outcast person we have always wished to be. We shall have a long white beard and long white hair; we shall not walk at all, but recline in a wheel chair and bellow for alcoholic beverages; in the winter we shall sit before the fire with our feet in a bucket of hot water, a decanter of corn whiskey near at hand, and write ribald songs against organized society; strapped to one arm of our chair will be a forty-five calibre revolver, and we shall shoot out the lights when we want to go to sleep, instead of turning them off; when we want air we shall throw a silver candlestick through the front window and be damned to it; we shall address public meetings (to which we have been invited because of our wisdom) in a vein of jocund malice. We shall … but we don’t wish to make any one envious of the good time that is coming to us … We look forward to a disreputable, vigorous, unhonoured, and disorderly old age.
    • The Almost Perfect State (1927), p. 183–84.
  • i have noticed that when chickens quit quarreling over their food they often find that there is enough for all of them i wonder if it might not be the same with the human race
    • archy's life of mehitabel, random thoughts by archy (1933)
  • A demagogue is a person with whom we disagree as to which gang should mismanage the country.
    • As quoted in O Rare Don Marquis, a Biography, by Edward Anthony (1962), Ch. 11

archy and mehitabel (1927)[edit]

  • dedicated to babs
    with babs knows what
    and babs knows why
  • the octopus's secret wish
    is not to be a formal fish
    he dreams that some time he may grow
    another set of legs or so
    and be a broadway music show
  • oh i should worry and fret
    death and i will coquette
    there s a dance in the old dame yet
    toujours gai toujours gai
    • the song of mehitabel
  • procrastination is the
    art of keeping
    up with yesterday
    • certain maxims of archy
  • an optimist is a guy
    that has never had
    much experience
    • certain maxims of archy
  • what in hell
    have i done to deserve
    all these kittens
    • mehitabel and her kittens
  • dance mehitabel dance
    caper and shake a leg
    what little blood is left
    will fizz like wine in a keg
    • mehitabel dances with boreas
  • i
    have often noticed that
    ancestors never boast
    the descendants who boast
    of ancestors i would
    rather start a family than
    one blood will tell but often
    it tells too much
    • a roach of the taverns

what the ants are saying[edit]

  • no insect likes human beings
    and if you think you can see why
    the only reason i tolerate you is because
    you seem less human to me than most of them
  • it wont be long now it wont be long
    man is making deserts of the earth
    it wont be long now
    before man will have used it up
    so that nothing but ants
    and centipedes and scorpions
    can find a living on it
    man has oppressed us for a million years
    but he goes on steadily
    cutting the ground from under
    his own feet making deserts deserts deserts
  • what man calls civilization
    always results in deserts
  • men talk of money and industry
    of hard times and recoveries
    of finance and economics
    but the ants wait and the scorpions wait
    for while men talk they are making deserts all the time
    getting the world ready for the conquering ant
    drought and erosion and desert
    because men cannot learn
  • each generation wastes a little more
    of the future with greed and lust for riches
  • it wont be long now It won't be long
    till earth is barren as the moon
    and sapless as a mumbled bone
  • dear boss i relay this information
    without any fear that humanity
    will take warning and reform

archy does his part (1935)[edit]

  • it is a cheering thought to think
    that god is on the side of the best digestion
    • the big bad wolf
  • there is bound to be a certain amount of
    trouble running any country
    if you are president the trouble happens to you
    but if you are a tyrant you can arrange things so
    that most of the trouble happens to other people
    • archy's newest deal
  • there is always
    a comforting thought
    in time of trouble when
    it is not our trouble
    • comforting thoughts

warty bliggens, the toad[edit]

i met a toad the other day by the name of warty bliggens...
  • i met a toad
    the other day by the name
    of warty bliggens

    he was sitting under
    a toadstool
    feeling contented
    he explained that when the cosmos
    was created
    that toadstool was especially
    planned for his personal
    shelter from sun and rain
    thought out and prepared
    for him
warty bliggens considers himself to be the center of the said universe...
  • a little more
    conversation revealed
    that warty bliggens
    considers himself to be
    the center of the said

    the earth exists
    to grow toadstools for him
    to sit under
    the sun to give him light
    by day and the moon
    and wheeling constellations
    to make beautiful
    the night for the sake of
    warty bliggens
  • i asked him
    why is it that you
    are so greatly favored
    ask rather
    said warty bliggens
    what the universe
    has done to deserve me

the robin and the worm[edit]

  • a robin said to an
    angleworm as he ate him
    i am sorry but a bird
    has to live somehow the
    worm being slow witted could
    not gather his
    dissent into a wise crack
    and retort he was
    effectually swallowed
    before he could turn
    a phrase
  • demons and fishhooks
    he exclaimed
    i am losing my personal
    identity as a worm
    my individuality
    is melting away from me
    odds craw i am becoming
    part and parcel of
    this bloody robin
    so help me i am thinking
    like a robin and not
    like a worm any
    longer yes yes i even
    find myself agreeing
    that a robin must live
    i still do not
    understand with my mentality
    why a robin must live
    and yet i swoon into a
    condition of belief
  • amen said a beetle who had
    preceded him into the
    interior that is the way i
    feel myself is it not
    wonderful when one arrives
    at the place
    where he can give up his
    ambitions and resignedly
    nay even with gladness
    recognize that it is a far
    far better thing to be
    merged harmoniously
    in the cosmic all
    and this confortable situation
    in his midst
    so affected the marauding
    robin that he perched
    upon a blooming twig
    and sang until the
    blossoms shook with ecstacy
    he sang
    i have a good digestion
    and there is a god after all
    which i was wicked
    enough to doubt
    yesterday when it rained
  • breakfast breakfast
    i am full of breakfast
    and they are at breakfast
    in heaven
    they breakfast in heaven
    all s well with the world
  • how beautiful is the universe
    when something digestible meets
    with an eager digestion
    how sweet the embrace
    when atom rushes to the arms
    of waiting atom
  • well well boss there is
    something to be said
    for the lyric and imperial
    believe that everything is for
    you until you discover
    that you are for it

    sing your faith in what you
    get to eat right up to the
    minute you are eaten
    for you are going
    to be eaten
  • there are more things
    twixt the vermiform appendix
    and nirvana than are dreamt of
    in thy philosophy horatio

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