Clara: There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn never reveal it's sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smell muffins] Ahhh.. [Smack thing with tin] Tell us where the lamp is you lousy-lying piece of shit!?
Wooldoor: Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!
Clara: Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances.
Wooldoor: Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?
Xandir: Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!
Clara: I've seen him do it man!
Wooldoor: I'll talk! I'll talk!
[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].
Foxxy: [knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that your gay, stop beatin' yourself up!
Clara: Seriously Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!
Xandir: [in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!
Foxxy: What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
[Wooldoor, dressed as a doctor scans Foxxy until he finds a problem.]
Xandir: What is it, doc?
Wooldoor: My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief.] I too would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be ... OPPOSITE DAY!!!
[dramatic music string]
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?
[dramatic music string]
Toot: What the hell? Is it opposite day, or "dramatic music string day"?!
[dramatic music string]
Wooldoor: Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads.] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up.] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.
Spanky Ham: Why, is red pee bad?
Toot: What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!
Wooldoor: I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.
[He touches the brain once and the patient lifts up.]
Male Patient: [As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!
Toot: Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!
Captain Hero: Fuck you, fatty foopah!
Toot: Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]
Clara: All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]
Xandir: No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]
Spanky: Nobody holds a gun to my girl, but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]
Wooldoor: All right!! Let's fucking do this!!! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!!!!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]
Bucky Bucks: Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.
Xandir: What?! But I'm a Certified Air Traffic Controller with Ten Years of experience!
Spanky: I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]
Spanky: Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?
Xandir: Basket weaver?
Spanky: No, Director of Homo-land security. [laughs as Captain Hero walks in] Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?
Captain Hero: That he should be Director of Homo-land security?
Spanky: How'd you know?
Captain Hero: You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job. [In confessional] If you fatcat's up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!
Announcer: Paid for by the committee to elect homos.
Clara: What is this unholy abomination?
Wooldoor: Hi Clara, you're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.
Clara: What? If gays get married, the institution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!
Spanky: I'll take care of this. [to Clara] Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!
Clara: Aaaaaagh! Oh my God! [runs to well] Get away from that well, Hebrew!
Jewish Man: What? I'm putting in water purification tablets!
Clara: [In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.
Xandir: Let's open a hair salon!
Foxxy: Oooh, we could shine shoes!
Ling Ling: I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!
Toot: LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!
Clara:[In confessional] Finally we all agreed...
Housemates: A suicide hotline!
Captain Hero's Mother: Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!
Captain Hero: Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!
Captain Hero's Mother: The doctor was right! You are SO lame!
Captain Hero: I'm not lame!
Captain Hero's Mother: Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]
Captain Hero: Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!
Captain Hero's Mother: I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!
Captain Hero: You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]
[Foxxy finds that she has accidentally run over the rest of the Foxxy 5 after a night of drinking]
Foxxy Dark: Foxxy...
Foxxy Yella: Why you do dis to us Foxxy?
Li'l Foxxy: Why yo run us over?
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey.
Foxxy: [picking up the phone] I need to call an ambulance! Oh girls, I am so sorry. I never should have been drinking and driving. Tat is the last time I mix liquor and beer and cough syrup and Kool-Aid and Grape Kool-Aid and Lemon Pledge! [In confessional] And this time I mean it!
Captain Colonicus: Captain Hero, you in direct violation of code 24601 gambling on your own battles.
Captain Hero: What? Since when has that been illegal?
Captain Colonicus: For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.
Captain Hero: Those are illegal too? Wow, I really am a terrible super hero!
Captain Hero: Folks, the League of Heroes and I tried to take a dive here today, and I think we all learnt an important lesson
Voice: Yeah, you suck!
Captain Hero: Nooooo, it's that even though we slaughtered the Indians and took their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because gambling brings out the worst in weak-minded white people. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!
Captain Hero: By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death
Xandir: Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?
Captain Hero: It was that time of the month
Xandir: That doesn't really--
Captain Hero: WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!
Xandir: Toot, where the hell you think you're going?
Toot: [carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completly run out of medicine.
Foxxy: Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up.
Xandir: She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.
Toot: Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter "The Circle of Fire"? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]
Xandir: Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?
Xandir: Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
"Tim": [impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!
[Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
Xandir: You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.
Capt. Hero: Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at The Museum Of Tolerance. Every time we go it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.
[All the happiness stops when Wooldoor & Capt. Hero get home and discover the house has been robbed]
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!
Captain Hero: We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot Fo Muesum Eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!
Museum of Tolerance worker: It was Probably the blacks or the Mexicans.
Wooldoor: Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day. I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?
Toot: I thought we were going to be caged up until we died, like those stupid chickens!
Ling-Ling: The chickens! We must go back and save them!
Toot: Screw that! I'm gonna watch my OWN back from now on!...if only I could watch my own feet! [Moves her boobs around, but is unable to see her feet below]
Ling-Ling: We must turn back now and save the chickens, for they are Ling-Ling's brothers. But if you only care about yourself, then fine, go.
Toot: Later asshole! Meep-meep! [takes off in "Road-Runner" style, but only gets a couple feet, falling flat on her chest and gasping and panting heavily; a vulture then flies in and lands on her butt]
Vulture: Jesus, how long has this thing been dead?!
Foxxy: [In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! and if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, you got to stop that meteor!
Captain Hero: Can't you see I'm already one knuckle deep into fifth base?
[Clara sexual moaning]
Captain Hero: Shoo! (he pushes Foxxy)
Foxxy: That's it! [in microphone] Hold up, everybody! Now I know y'all think Captain Hero is real cool.
Foxxy: But, he ain't.
Foxxy: I don't know what I was thinking. I fooled y'all into thinking Hero was cool by pretending to be his girlfriend. So he would stop that meteor.
Captain Hero: Wait! I can explain!
Steve from Long Island: Oh, really? Then explain this now.
Captain Hero: Spanky? Clara? Steve from Long Island? Oh, hey, man. you were right. the cool kids are assholes.
Ling Ling: What was Ling Ling thinking?! Battle monster not meant to dance
Gash: Or is he!
Ling Ling: Gash! What are you doing here?
Gash: I came to see you dance
Ling Ling: But you said Ling Ling could never be a dancer.
Gash: I was just jealous. I too always wanted to be a dancer as well also but, I didn't have the talent so I tortured you relentlessly until you became a sociopathic killer, crushing all your dreams. My bad.
Captain Hero: DAMN YOU SCROTO! Aww...
Wooldoor: His name is Scroto?
Captain Hero: Yes.
Wooldoor: So that's what your arch-nemesis does?
Captain Hero: Yep.
Wooldoor: No bank robberies?
Captain Hero: Uh-uh.
Wooldoor: Or blowing up the planet?
Captain Hero: Nope.
Wooldoor: He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?
Captain Hero: Not all superheroes. Just me... just me.
Frankenberry: Don't be shy, come in. I’m Frankenberry, the president of the cereal empire; this is Tony Tiger; and of course, you know Violent Retard, from "Violent Retard Flakes"
Toot: There isn't any cereal called "Violent Retard Flakes".
Frankenberry: You tell him.
Toot: Hey, you cereal-mascot-dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!
Spanky: There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why, they're everywhere! And have been since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed... [an annoyed Captain Hero hits him on the head] I like to pee on things!