Joan Rivers

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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Alexandra Rosenberg (June 8, 1933September 4, 2014), known by her stage name Joan Rivers, was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer and television host, best known for her stand-up comedy, for co-hosting the E! celebrity fashion show Fashion Police, and for starring in the reality series Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? alongside her daughter Melissa Rivers.

Quotes[edit]

  • There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
    • Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
  • [Catchphrase:] Can we talk?
    • Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
  • [Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!
    • Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks.
  • Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?
    • As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55
  • Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
    • As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
  • I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."
    • As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
  • My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
    • Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179
  • Never floss with a stranger.
    • As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358
  • It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
    • Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258
  • Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
    • Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258
  • Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
    • As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87
  • Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.
    • As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21
  • I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
    • As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101
  • A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
    • As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147
  • My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
    • As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213
  • I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
    • As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272
  • I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
    • As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94
  • Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
    • As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83
  • I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
    • As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
    • As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
  • You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
    • Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201
  • People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.
    • As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606
  • I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.
    • As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984)


Misattributed[edit]

  • Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
    • David Seabury, as quoted in The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life (1950), p. 248

Quotes about Rivers[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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