[after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.
(to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?
[Is using ancient tools to build the ark] Ever heard of Home Depot!?
People, the flood is imminent! (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?
(two wolves growl at Long) Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those. (Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)
(Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!
[With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.] I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! [Nothing happens] How about a little help here?! [Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.]
And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny.
(to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming.
I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance."
Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this. [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"]
(appears at Congress and recites the the Pledge of Allegiance) I pledge allegiance to the flag under the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under me indivisible and liberty and justice for all.
Rita Daniels: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
God: How do you change the world?
Evan: One single act of random kindness at a time.
God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick] One Act, of Random, Kindness.
Evan: (sees a truck in his yard delivering another unordered shipment) Hey!!! Hey!! Hey!!!! (Pounds on window then runs outside) Whoa whoa whoa. What is going on?!
Mailman: I have a delivery for an Evan Baxter?
Evan: No I am sorry that's not mine. I didn't order that!
Mailman: I just deliver guy okay? If you want to complain call our number. (gets into truck and the truck drives off without the shipment)
Evan: Hey wait!!! Listen!!! We're 4:16 not 6:14!!! You got the wrong house!!!! You can't leave that there!!!! (The mailman waves goodbye from the truck as it exits the driveway) LISTEN!!!!*** LISTEN!!!!*** THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BROWN PATCH!!!!*** I AM A U.S. CONGRESSMAN!!!!!**** (Glares after the truck)
(After a short but heavy downpour, the sky clears again with the clouds moving further away.)
Neighbor 1: This was it Baxter?
Neighbor 2: Is your god experiencing a slight water shortage?
Reporter: It would seem that Congressman Baxter was correct about the rain, with a slight miscalculation as to the quantity.
God: I'm God.
Evan: You're God!?
God: Yes and I want you Evan Baxter to build an ark.
Evan: Okay this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call over but I have to get going because supposedly I have an ark to build. Nice to meet ya...(walks away)
[Evan is driving to work]
Evan Baxter: Okay that is over. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]
God:[smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
Evan Baxter: How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!
God: No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]
Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]
God (as police officer): Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]
[Evan comes in with a beard and long hair]
Marty: Rita when Evan shows... [Sees Evan] Sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment...[Rita gestures to Evan; Marty gasps] Gah! Evan?!
Evan: In case you ask I am going through adult puberty. This is temporary...why did you summon me? What is so important?
Marty: What is so important?! I have a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill! You remember that? And now he wants you to sign this in person Evan!
Evan: I can't do it.
Marty: No you can't do it looking like that. You have to go shave!
Evan: I cannot shave Marty. If I shave it just grows back.
Marty: That's what happens when you shave...and then you shave AGAIN!!
Evan: [Frustrated] You have no idea...
God: I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.
Evan: Where are we?
God: Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.
Evan: So, you're... really... HIM?
God: Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.
Evan: No. No. I believe you. But why me?
God: You said you want to change the world. So do I.
God: [posing as a waiter named Al Mighty] I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.
Joan: What is the story about, then? The ark?
God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.
Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?
God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy. (Waves his arm and as he leaves Joan looks in shock to see her plate refilled without God having to leave and fill it)
Rita: You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)
Rita: But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!
Joan: How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?
(A bleating behind her causes them all to look.)
Joan: Is that a llama with a hammer?
Jordan: An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.
[Joan looks back to Evan in amazement]
Evan: [Slinging a chord on rope over his shoulder] Let's finish this sucker.
Evan: You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.
God: Yes, but you did it.
Evan: So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?
God: I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.
God: You did good, son. You changed the world.
Evan: No. No I didn't.
God: Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.
Evan: (walks in with his beard braided and his hair tied into a ponytail) Marty. Sorry I am late. Come on let's go!
Marty: (disgustedly drops his phone) What...is that!?
Evan: I am making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone and let's go! (They walk into a meeting live on television. Rita looks in genuine disust)
Rita: Evan, what are you doing?! You have a ponytail on your face! Whattaya going to do next!? Cornroll your eyebrows?!
Evan: Do we have anything unleavened?
Joan: Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.