Maxwell Smart: I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world. [sighs] Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. [The camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window] You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me. [As he starts to walk away, a jogger plows straight into him, and both of them fall down] Oh, dear. Sorry. [He helps her to her feet]
Agent 99: [looks at her watch] Oh, great! That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was!
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?
Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart: That depends. Is it working? [99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99: Not at all. [jogs away]
Maxwell Smart: Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus! [A man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot. He screams in pain] Am I invisible?
[Max has found CONTROL in shambles. He finds Bruce and Lloyd hiding under a table]
Maxwell Smart: Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?
Lloyd: [whimpering] Fear.
[Max goes out to take a look, at which point a hand suddenly puts a pistol to the back of his head]
Agent 99: Freeze!
Maxwell Smart: Freeze.
Agent 99: No, you freeze!
Maxwell Smart: You freeze.
Agent 99: I told you to freeze!
Maxwell Smart: Freeze, times infinity.
Agent 99: Oh, my God! [turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other] You!
Maxwell Smart: You.
Agent 99: Are you CONTROL?
Maxwell Smart: Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you? [beat]
Agent 99: I'm Agent 99.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!
Agent 99: Thank you.
[Max and Agent 99 are walking down a dirt road, six miles outside Smolensk, at 19:00 hours]
Maxwell Smart: Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths? [99 suddenly stops and turns on him]
Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why?! It is because you keep leading!!
Maxwell Smart: Well-
Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart: I beg to differ! [99 starts walking] I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored-
Agent 99: My what?!
Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99: [simultaneously] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!!
Maxwell Smart: ....A-! [Beat]
Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart: I take out my gun [draws pistol] and I would shoot-[As he brings it up in front of him, 99 grabs it and points it at his head]
Agent 99: You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it-
Agent 99: "Bang!", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not. [99 lowers it at his heart]
Agent 99: "Bang!", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.
Agent 99: You are dead! [starts pointing it to all over his upper body] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang!
Maxwell Smart: [as she's saying that] I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it! Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants, in the process making an almost sexual advance on him] Hey.
Agent 99: [quietly through gritted teeth] Throw out your manual. Out here there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
Maxwell Smart: You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Choi Kwang-Do. [99 stops, glaring away from Max. As he warms up, she suddenly spins and backhands him across his face] I was not ready!
Agent 99: That's my point.
Maxwell Smart: You know what-[She slaps him again] Hey! What was that?!
[Max and Agent 99 sit down in a Smolensk cafe]
Agent 99: So, how do you know this place?
Maxwell Smart: Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk Pinsk in Smolensk - it doesn't get any better than thinsk. [99 stares at him] See what I just did? I added an "insk" at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.
Agent 99: [sighs] Should've smacked you harder.
Maxwell Smart: Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? "It's Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face." "Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face." "Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!"
Agent 99: You know, I love bread, and I know bread has a few carbs, but I've never been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk.
[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to wash up]
Maxwell Smart: Boy, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had! [an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart: Time to take my pill... [He leaves and returns to his and 99's table] There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
Agent 99: OK. Well...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some find appealing.
[Max and Agent 99 are looking for a car to steal]
Agent 99: Which one of these is going to attract the least attention?
Maxwell Smart: All right, well we have a couple of Soviet-era sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart. And... [looks inside a garage and spots something] that'll work.
Agent 99: No.
Maxwell Smart: Yes.
Agent 99: [objectively] No!
Maxwell Smart: [starts entering the garage] Yess.....
[Cuts to Max and Agent 99 driving down a country road in a bright red Ferrari convertible that sticks out of the surroundings like a sore thumb]
Agent 99: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.
Maxwell Smart: Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.
[They drive past a couple of farmers]
Farmer: [subtitled Russian] Holy shit! A Ferrari! [His wife whips out a cell phone and promptly takes a picture of the car]
Agent 23: No, Chief. He didn't unjam the copier. Now, we have rules here, you know that. If you don't follow the rules, then what are we?
Chief: I'll tell you what we're not. We're not people who jam staples into other people's heads. That's CIA crap.
[Agent 99, handcuffed to the support handle in the backseat of Agent 23's car, kicks his gun out of his hand when he fires at Max]
Agent 23: See, this is your problem! Some men like women who are feminine!
Agent 99: What, I'm not feminine?!
Agent 23: Nooo.
Agent 99: I'M NOT FEMININE?!?!?!
[kicks him in the face, causing him to hit another car]
[Max is driving, with the Chief riding shotgun, recklessly across a golf course, and is being pummeled with golf balls]
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief: Sand trap. [They plow through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief: Tractor. [they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief: Swordfish!
[they crash right into a shack, and a swordfish on the roof is impaled through the windshield, coming only inches away from the Chief's head. Max brings the car to a stop by an airport perimeter fence]
Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: [calmly] I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went through my head!"? If so, then yes.
Sean: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Mom: Sean! Sean! Sean! Sean! See how annoying that is?