Home Improvement (TV series)

Home Improvement (1991–1999) was an American television sitcom series, airing on ABC, about an accident prone host of a Detroit, Michigan television program about tools, who raises his dysfunctional family.

Season 1

Pilot

Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.

Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"

Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Mow Better Blues

Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.

Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Off Sides

Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim: Would It help if I said I was sorry?

Jill: It might.

Tim: I'm sorry.

Jill: It didn't.

Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof

Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.

Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.

Tim: A satellite dish!

Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Wild Kingdom

Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.

Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?

Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

Mark: What are we gonna make?

Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.

Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.

Jill: She did?

Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.

Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Adventures in Fine Dining

Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?

Tim: You should give them a refresher course.

Jill: Me? What about you?

Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Brad: Mom!

Jill: What?

Brad: Dad's cussing.

Tim: I'm not cussing.

Mark: He said a bad word.

Tim: It wasn't bad!

Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim: I did not say 'damn'.

Randy: Now you did.

Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...

Tim: You want company?

Jill: No, just you.

Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?

Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Nothing More Than Feelings

Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!

Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Jill: Are you saying the car's not working?

Tim: We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!

Jill: So I can't drive it?

Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Flying Sauces

Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.

Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.

Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!

Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.

Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.

Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.

Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.

Tim: I'd give you free tickets!

[Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]

Tim: Let me do this for you.

Jill: Will Al be here?

Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Jill: Will Al be here?

Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assists me.

Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?

Tim: Probably, yes.

Jill: [getting excited] And I can have anything I want?

Tim: Anything you want!

Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?

Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

[Jill falls apart laughing.]

Reach Out and Teach Someone

Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?

Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?

Tim: You bet!

Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.

Brad: Aww, man...!

Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.

Brad: [dejected] Alright...

Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?

Randy: Yeah.

Tim: Want to help?

Randy: No.

Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?

Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Look Who's Not Talking

Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share the household responsibilities, right?

Mark: What's 'enlightened'?

Randy: It means 'scared of Mom'.

Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.

Brad: I don't have a woman.

Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.

Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, doofus!

Tim: Lots of guys pay psychiatrists a lot of money to figure that one out.

Tim: The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.

Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.

Tim: Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.

Jill: He WAS in his underwear!

Tim: He was NOT!

Yule Better Watch Out

Jill: (indicating Randy's flashy robes) This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.

Tim: And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Caesar's Palace!?

Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.

Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!

Randy: They made me a sheep.

Mark: So Santa is alive?

Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?

Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!

Up Your Alley

Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.

Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

For Whom the Belch Tolls

Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim: What are you doing?

Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.

Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Forever Jung

Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?

Tim: It's a little piece of table.

Randy: What happened?

Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.

Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?

Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]

Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.

Jill: (trying to regain composure) It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.

Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!

Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.

Karen: No, they also glue.

Karen: Do you move to New York or Seattle?

Tim: I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

Jill's Birthday

Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.

Tim: Now you're talking.

Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?

Brad & Randy: No.

Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

What About Bob?

Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!

Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?

Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Tim: Are you insinuating this is my fault?

Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?

Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Unchained Malady

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.

Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.

Tim: What's your point?

Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?

Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.

Tim: Where are they now?

Eddie: On a window sill.

Tim: You didn't throw them out?

Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?

Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.

Jill: But does he understand everything you say?

Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

A Battle of Wheels

Tim: What are you up to?

Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.

Tim: Yeah? Of who?

Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.

Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

Luck Be a Taylor Tonight

Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.

Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

[Jill wants to join the poker game]

Tim: Sorry, Jill, but to join this game, you need to be able to bench-press 150 pounds. [Al starts to get up] Al, sit down!

Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.

Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.

Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Al's Fair in Love and War

Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?

Randy: The Fire Department?

Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Stereo-typical

Tim: We have a very special show for you today.

Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?

Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.

Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

Season 2

Read My Hips

Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.

Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."

Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"

Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy"?

Tim: Well, that I understand.

Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?

Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Rites and Wrongs Of Passage

Mark: Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)

Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!

Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Randy: Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!

Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!

Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.

Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Randy: (To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?

Overactive Glance

Tim: (about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.

Karen: Yeah, right into her water bed.

Tim: What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.

Jill: Well, you do that all the time.

Tim: But not with other women!

Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.

Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.

Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

Jill: [She and Tim are eating in a restaurant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.

Tim: Oh, and why is that, Jill?

Jill: Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.

Tim: Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 75-year old steelworker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"

Jill: Not exactly, Tim.

Tim: Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?

Jill: Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Groin Pains (aka Groin Pulls)

Jill: When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!

Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.

Tim: Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!

Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.

Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

[Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]

Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?

Tim: I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.

Mark: What happened?

Tim[strained]: I pulled my GROIN!

Mark: What's that?

Tim: My very favorite muscle.

Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.

Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?

Wilson: I don't know.

Tim: You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .

Jill: Fourteen!

Randy: (after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.

Brad: She wanted to know where you bought your tights.

Heavy Meddle

Tim: [Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?

Brad: Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?

Tim: [Grins deviously] That's right!

Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill: Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

The Haunting of Taylor House

Jennifer: [Upset that Brad didn't pick her for his kickball team] You can be so dense.

Brad: Hey, I may dense, but my team won!

Jill: [Hurrying to the bathroom] Move it, atom boy!

Roomie for Improvement

Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lots of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.

Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.

Al: It's over between us.

Tim: Al, open the door.

Al: No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

May the Best Man Win

[Al's wearing a loud-colored Hawaiian shirt]

Tim: What the hell are you wearing?

Al: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.

Tim: You're supposed to blend into the background!

Jill: Well, who the hell does she think she is?

Tim: Maureen Binford.

Jill: Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?

Tim: Yeah.

Jill: Little red-headed thing, about this big?

Tim: Yeah.

Jill: I can take her.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

Tim: Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?

Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.

Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".

Let's Did Lunch

Abandoned Family

I'm Scheming of a White Christmas

Bell Bottom Blues

Tim: All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?

Al: Uh...nothing, Tim.

Tim: What is it, Al?

Al: Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.

Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.

Al: No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.

Tim: Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.

Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.

Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.

Al: Oh, tourniquet.

Tim: I hope you have a job application in there.

Al: Crutches.

Tim: [bewildered] Huh?!

Al: IV unit.

Howard's End

Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Dances with Tools

You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

Tim: There's a sign right there, what does it say?

Jill: "Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"

Tim: ...Guess we don't need that Michigan map, do we?

Jill: If we hit Kentucky I'm filing for divorce.

Jill: I'm so glad I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill: Oh, nobody, just...[Takes a bite of cake] My mother, my father, my sisters, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the post office...

Bye Bye Birdie

Karate or Not, Here I Come

Shooting Three to Make Tutu

Much Ado About Nana

Ex Marks the Spot

Tim: Jill met my girlfriend.

Wilson: Well, I can't say that I approve of that.

Tim: No, my old high-school girlfriend.

Wilson: Oh.

Tim: She's kind of annoyed about something I didn't do years ago.

Wilson: A sin of omission.

Tim: It wasn't that bad. When I broke up with this girl, I never called to tell her.

Wilson: So, you lied to her?

Tim: No.

Wilson: Well, according to Robert Louis Stevenson, you did. He said, "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Tim: Hm. But didn't Calvin Coolidge say nothing he never said ever did him any harm?

Wilson: Very good. Thomas Mann once said, "A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."

Tim: Not bad. Wait, wait, wait! Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages."

Wilson: Excellent. But I believe the final word would be Heywood Broun. "For truth there is no deadline."

Tim: Oh, that's three to two. You beat me, Wilson.

To Build or Not to Build

Birth of a Hot Rod

The Great Race

Cast

External links

Wikipedia

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Home Improvement (TV series)

Official Homepage of Home Improvement
Home Improvement quotes at the Internet Movie Database