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House (Season 3)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Meaning [3.01]

[edit]
[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Dr. Cuddy: Why did you...?
Dr. House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. Wilson: Because he can.
Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
Dr. House: That would defeat the point of me being nasty.
Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves creation, changing lives.
Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.
Dr. House: I don't remember you being this bitchy.
Dr. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.
Dr. Wilson: Medically, what made you think he was right?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: He got lucky. That's all that happened. Telling him "No" was a good thing. Because next time, he won't be lucky and he'll kill someone. Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Cuddy: [exhales; long pause] I see him every day. I can't just...
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies.

Cane and Able [3.02]

[edit]
Dr. House: So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes to think of a witty retort.
[later]
Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
Dr. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?
Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "Yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure that out.
Stephanie: You're talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.
Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson: What now?
Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House: God doesn't limp.
[edit]
Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
Dr. Cameron: [about Ezra's unethical research] He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they'd urethral reflux.
Dr. House: He was curious.
Dr. House: [to Cameron] You do know you can't actually pierce me with your stares?
Dr. House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Cuddy: True, better be true, and you're a pig.
Dr. House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Chase: Skin.
Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.

Lines in the Sand [3.04]

[edit]
Dr. House: Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, a toxin, something he ate...
Dr. House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House: Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
[House tries to sedate the flailing autistic patient with nitrous oxide]
Dr. House: Hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the mask]
Dr. Wilson: Out of Vicodin? [House gives him a look]
Patient's Mother: What're you doing?
Dr. House: [holding his breath] Eating the red berries.
[House inhales and puts the mask on the child who complies and passes out]
Sarah: He trusted you.
Dr. House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.
Dominic: No... That was huge. It was like a conversation.
Dr. House: A monkey's. [gets up and hits his head on a surgical light] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still just as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles into a table]
Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.
Dr. House: [in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
Dr. House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Chase: It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.
[A man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
Dr. Chase: [whispering] I'm sorry.
Dr. House: The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.
Dr. Cameron: MS…
Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!
[Dr. Wilson enters Dr. Cuddy's office with a book on his hands]
Dr. Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of Autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.
Dr. Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Fools for Love [3.05]

[edit]
Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
Dr. Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.
Dr. House: In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?
Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.

Que Sera Sera [3.06]

[edit]
Dr. House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him.
Dr. Foreman: His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.
Dr. House: For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? Get a detailed medical history.
Dr. Cameron: From who? He was bought in alone.
Dr. Chase: And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.
Dr. House: Talk to the neighbors, search the house, let's see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
[Dr. Cameron went to the patient's house]
Dr. House: What you find out?
Dr. Cameron: That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.
Dr. House: Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?
Dr. Cameron: Pianos and prostitutes.
[About getting the patient on the MRI machine]
Dr. Cameron: The weight limit's obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.
Dr. Chase: He's not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.
Dr. Cameron: I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.
Dr. Foreman: And you believe the machine will stand on principle?
Dr. Foreman: [On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.
Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.
George: You must be Dr. House.
Dr. House: And you must be full of bologna. Lot of it.
George: Right! Fat joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.
Dr. House: And Christians. Oh, and black people.

Son of Coma Guy [3.07]

[edit]
Dr. Chase: Genetic tests take forever, you can't just keep testing for every inherited condition you think it might be.
Dr. House: Well not me, I'll be leaving early, but you guys can.
Gabriel: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
Dr. House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.
Dr. Wilson: If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...
Gabriel: [turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?
[Wilson gives up]
Dr. House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.
Dr. Wilson: Why steal my pad?
Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes.
Dr. Wilson: No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino.
Dr. Wilson: And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!
Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy he knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

Whac-A-Mole [3.08]

[edit]
Dr. Foreman [to House]: What are you writing?
Dr. House [while writing]: Nothing.
Dr. Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. House: [finishes writing and sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [licks the envelope]
Dr. Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.
Dr. House: Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [writes something on the envelope, gets up, and goes over to the whiteboard] If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, this is a very cruel game. [he uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]
Dr. Cameron: Nice cane.
Dr. House: If I know what you mean.. [winks]
Dr. House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.
Dr. Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
Dr. House: You can't pee standing up.
Dr. Foreman: Noble.
Dr. House: Moronic. [Foreman looks at him] It's a synonym.

Finding Judas [3.09]

[edit]
Dr. Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?
Dr. House: It's never lupus.
[at the court]
Judge: I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.
Dr. House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
Dr. House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
Dr. House: They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.
Judge: Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.
Dr. House: Their doctor.
Edie: Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.
Dr. House: There's no time.
Edie: All I want is a second opinion before —
Dr. House: No time!
Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
Dr. House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let's say yes.
Dr. House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
Dr. House: Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
Dr. House: [Before Cuddy can answer] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Cuddy: Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Foreman] Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets.
[Dr. Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]
Dr. Cuddy: Busy.
[Dr. Wilson walks in anyway]
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, what I meant by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?"
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing. Doesn't matter.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.
Dr. Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is, he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you're this upset because you think he's right?
Dr. Cuddy: I have had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.
Dr. Cuddy: A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That's normal. That's —
Dr. Cuddy: [Crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes, maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.
[Cuddy chuckles wryly]
Dr. House: RIGHT! She's SIX! She's CUTE! She CAN'T have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just WRONG! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling, and I'm gonna do my job.

Merry Little Christmas [3.10]

[edit]
Det. Michael Tritter: Merry Christmas.
Dr. House: And a Happy "Go to Hell".
[walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]
Dr. House: Woah, sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment... small favor.
Dr. Cameron: What are you gonna do?
Dr. House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.
[Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]
Maddy: I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.
Dr. House: You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.
Maddy: It's "average-sized".
Dr. House: Compared to you, I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.
Dr. House: I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Dr. Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.
Dr. House: She also hates Jews.
Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. [off House's look] What?
Dr. House: Care to go for a spin?
Maddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: Higher than you.

Words and Deeds [3.11]

[edit]
Dr. House: If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D.
Det. Tritter: Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come and see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect.
Dr. House: Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.
Det. Tritter: Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA.
Dr. House: Which you have no intention of doing?
Det. Tritter: No.
Dr. House: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?
[Tritter shrugs his shoulders and walks away]
Dr. House: [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions? [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] "Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility", when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.
Det. Tritter: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you?
Dr. House: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your wife, your mother, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.
Det. Tritter: No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie.
[House is on the phone during his trial]
Judge: Do you want to go to jail?
House: No thank you.
Dr. Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
Dr. House: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
[Cameron hugs him]
Dr. House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail.
Dr. Wilson: [Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.
Dr. House: No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Dr. Wilson: The whole time?
Dr. House: My higher power said it was okay.
Dr. Wilson: Nothing's changed?
Dr. House: Nothing's changed.
Dr. Wilson: [Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.
Dr. House: [Smiling] Believe what you want.
Judge: [to House] My suspicion is, your boss... My suspicion is, you have better friends than you deserve. Rules and laws apply to everyone; you are not as special as you think.
Det. Tritter: Doctor House...
Dr. House: So, should I be looking for you in the shadows? Flinching every time a car backfires?
Det. Tritter: Good luck. I hope I'm wrong about you.

One Day, One Room [3.12]

[edit]
Dr. House: Start counting.
[The patient takes his pulse]
Dr. House: How many?
Patient: 26.
Dr. House: Okay, either you suck at math, or you're going to die in two seconds.
[A moment passes, and nothing happens]
Dr. House: You suck at math.
Dr. House: If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.
Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
Dr. House: [to the kid] How old are you?
Kid: Eight.
Dr. House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".
Dr. House: We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
Eve: Abortion is murder.
Dr. House: True. It's a life and you should end it.
Eve: Every life is sacred.
Dr. House: Come on, talk to me don't quote me bumper stickers.
Eve: It's true.
Dr. House: It's meaningless.
Eve: It means that every life matters to God.
Dr. House: Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
Eve: You're just being argumentative.
Dr. House: Yeah. I do do that. What about Hitler? Was his life sacred to God? Father of your child. Is his life sacred to you?
Eve: My child isn't Hitler.
Dr. House: Either every life is sacred or—
Eve: Stop it! I don't want to chat about philosophy.
Dr. House: You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
Eve: It's murder, I'm against it, you for it?
Dr. House: Not as a general rule.
Eve: Just for unborn children?
Dr. House: Yes. The problem with exceptions to rules is the line-drawing. It might make sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. I mean, where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill and which asses get to keep on being asses? The nice thing about the abortion debate is that we can quibble over trimesters but ultimately, there's a nice clean line: birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge.
Eve: You're enjoying this conversation.
Dr. House: This is the type of conversation I do well.

Needle in a Haystack [3.13]

[edit]
Dr. Chase [About Stevie, the patient]: Kind of. He's Romani. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure.
Dr. House: Yeah, he's also a human being which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.
Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.
Dr. House: Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me."
Dr. Wilson: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Dr. Foreman: His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
Dr. House: Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
Dr. Cameron: We were treating him for Wagner's and everything went wrong.
Dr. House: Not everything.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, it was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse.
Dr. House: [sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They are nice, aren't they?
[House slowly starts to grin]
Dr. House: No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.

Insensitive [3.14]

[edit]
Dr. House: What's your name?
Hannah: Hannah Morganthal.
Dr. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
Hannah: No, I don't.
Dr. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.
Dr. Foreman: Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —
Dr. House: Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think that she's one of them.
Dr. Foreman: She says she's not.
Dr. House: That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.
Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
Dr. House: Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid.
Dr. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
Dr. Foreman: On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.
Dr. House: They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
Dr. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons.
Dr. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?
Dr. Foreman: Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —
[House suddenly hits Hannah's good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn't move]
Dr. House: I can hit her again if six isn't enough.
Hannah: I wanna see my mother!
Dr. House: Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.
Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
Dr. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.
Hannah: It sucks.
Dr. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Dr. House: Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can't cry.
Dr. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
Dr. House: I can't run.
Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Dr. House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Dr. House: Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...
Dr. House: I got shot.
[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Dr. House: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you think I'm lying?
Dr. House: Do you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?
[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
Dr. House: Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
Dr. Cameron: You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!
Dr. House: Some think the two are connected.
Dr. Foreman: [to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.
[After extracting a tapeworm from a patient.]
Dr. Foreman: It's gotta be 25 feet long.
Dr. House: Dammit, world record's over 60.
Dr. Cameron: So I'm thinking we should have sex.
Dr. Chase: [confused] That makes sense.
Dr. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there's no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza?
Dr. Cameron: And of all the people I work with you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza.
Dr. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we've already had sex once and didn't get weird about it, so…
Dr. Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgment?
Dr. Cameron: Then you're not the man I'm looking for.
[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]

Half Wit [3.15]

[edit]
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron/Dr. Chase: [together] No!
Dr. House: Double negative - it's a yes.
[Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. Dr. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
Dr. House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
Patrick: My leg's not a piano.
Dr. House: I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!
Dr. House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?
Dr. House: Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour, scoring girls left and right.
Patrick: I don't like girls.
Dr. House: Boys. Whatever gets you off.
Patrick: [with an excited look] I like the piano!
Dr. Cuddy: House, I'm so sorry.
Dr. House: Forgot I was dying, huh?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm here if you need me.
Dr. House: I need you.
[Dr. Cuddy smiles and hugs him, and Dr. House takes the opportunity and puts his hands on her ass]
Dr. House: One small feel for man... one giant ass for mankind.
Dr. Cuddy: Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
[Dr. Cuddy turns and heads back to her bedroom. Dr. House starts to follow her]
Dr. Cuddy: [not turning to look at House] Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
[he turns around and heads for the door]
Dr. House: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.
Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. House: Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!

Top Secret [3.16]

[edit]
Dr. House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
Dr. Cameron: Why is he here instead of the VA?
Dr. House: Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy's trying to avoid fellating who doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of "nothing's wrong-atosis."
Dr. House: Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I's. And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in, and... whether he's ever been on TV.
Dr. Cameron: TV?
Dr. House: Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.
Dr. House: See if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating. There's no way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.
Dr. House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attached to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?

Fetal Position [3.17]

[edit]
[Dr. Foreman, Dr. Cameron, and Dr. Chase are examining a candid photo of House taken by Emma]
Dr. Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Chase: It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...he's caring.
Dr. House: Any you guys ever been to the Galapagos?
Dr. Foreman: Was our patient there? Dengue fever, Avian pox, even West Nile.
Dr. House: No, I'm looking for a vacation spot.
Dr. Chase: That mean we get vacation?
Dr. House: How would that differ from your current status?
Dr. Cameron: You're going to do what? Relax?
Dr. House: Visiting family, my uncle's a giant turtle.
Dr. House: Mom's body is like... the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like... a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.
Dr. Chase: Who are the Jews in this metaphor?
Dr. Cameron: I have read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
Dr. House: Unfavorable... is that doctor-speak for "dead baby"?
Dr. Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?
Dr. House: Lemme guess...Cameron.
Dr. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
Dr. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.
Dr. Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
Dr. House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Dr. Cuddy: Here?
Dr. House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a MySpace account.
Dr. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
Dr. House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.

Airborne [3.18]

[edit]
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House [on a wheelchair] Antique vintner's cane. It cost me $900.
Dr. Cuddy: It had a corkscrew in it.
Dr. House: Ah, that would explain the "vintner's" reference.
Dr. Cuddy: Could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
Dr. House: Only if you stuck it in a bottle of Zinfandel.
Dr. Cuddy: You'll get it back when we land.
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House: [to the mother] Give her 20 milligrams of diphenhydramine, it could save her life. 'Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Cuddy: The room service thing was just spiteful.
Dr. House: I was hungry.
Dr. Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
Dr. House: I was thirsty.
Dr. Cuddy: $120 on video services.
Dr. House: I was lonely.
Dr. Cuddy: That's 500 in expenses I can't justify.
Dr. House: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right.
[they arrive at the first class cabin of the plane, where House gives his ticket to a stewardess]
Stewardess: Welcome aboard, Mr. House, you're right here in 2A.
[House sits on his place, while the stewardess checks Cuddy's ticket]
Stewardess: Ms. Cuddy, you're in the next cabin and to the left, 9C.
Dr. Cuddy: No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.
Dr. House: No mistake. Just arranged for a $500 fare reduction. Expense problem solved.
[Cuddy sighs and goes to the next cabin]
[House is simulating the conditions back at the hospital to help him make a diagnosis]
Dr. House: [pointing at boy] Can you say... [Australian accent] 'Crikey, mate'?
Kid: [Confused but playing along] Crikey, mate.
Dr. House: Perfect. No matter what I say, you agree with me, okay?
Kid: Okay...
Dr. House: Nicely done... You, disagree with everything I say.
Indian man: Sorry, not understanding.
Dr. House: That's close enough. And you, get morally outraged with everything I say.
Woman: [disgusted] That's permanent marker, you know.
Dr. House: Wow, you guys are good.
Dr. House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. House: I know how to ask if his sister is over eighteen, I don't think that's gonna help.
Dr. House: You're pregnant.
Girl: I'm what?
Dr. House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36C's into a 34B bra.
Dr. Cuddy: And her rash?
Dr. House: PUPPPs. A common pregnancy rash.
Girl: I can't be pregnant.
Dr. House: You a virgin?
Girl: No, but—
Dr. House: You're pregnant. Mazel Tov.

Act Your Age [3.19]

[edit]
Dr. House [to Dr. Chase]: Nice work.
Dr. Cameron: He went home!
Dr. House: Work smart, not hard.
Dr. House: Do you want the tickets or not?
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you want to go with me?
Dr. House: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.
Dr. Wilson: So why are you giving them to me?
Dr. House: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.
Dr. Cameron [when she and Dr. Chase are told to search the house]: You're intentionally punishing us.
Dr. House: By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel, doesn't it?
Dr. House: Never is just 'reven' spelled backwards.
Dr. Cuddy: [after Wilson received flowers with a card seemingly signed by Dr. Cuddy] What's up with Wilson?
Dr. House: He's just a little freaked.
Dr. Cuddy: Why?
Dr. House: I sent him flowers.

House Training [3.20]

[edit]
Dr. Wilson: [to Dr. House] I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.
Dr. House: What's life without the ability to make stupid decisions?
Dr. House: There's a lot of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn't download itself!
Dr. House: James Wilson is never the safe choice.
Dr. Cuddy: Going to a gallery, we're not getting married!
Dr. House: Sure you say that now. He always marries them in the end!
Dr. House: Guilt is irrelevant.

Family [3.21]

[edit]
Claudia: What about the Marrow Registry, maybe they'll find another match.
Dr. House: [Sarcastically] Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn.
Dr. House: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? It's like training a dog, then letting him go on your rug, which, by the way--
Dr. Wilson: Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way--
Dr. House: You didn't explain chances of probabilities, you lied to them! And told them Foreman's a moron, which isn't even much of a lie right now.
Dr. Wilson: You gotta talk to him.
Dr. House: I got no problem with what Foreman did...
Dr. Wilson: He undercut us, and may have cost that kid his life--!
Dr. House: Foreman did what he thought was right, you, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered you didn't have the guts to tell him what to do! If that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong and because you're a coward! [He leaves Wilson standing in the corridor, shocked.]
[House slams down new cane, a gloss black model with red and yellow flames painted on the bottom.]
Dr. Cameron: Flames?
Dr. House: Makes it look like I'm going fast.
Dr. House: [To Nick and Matty's parents] You have only one decision to make. You can leave here with one dead son, or two.
Dr. Foreman: You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks notice.

Resignation [3.22]

[edit]
Dr. House: Personally, I can't believe I've had the same three employees for three years.
Dr. House: My patient's about to have a heart attack, it's going to be massive.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh well, that's too bad because I just got tickets for a stroke on the third floor.
Dr. Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
Dr. House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
Dr. House: You think I spat in yours?
Dr. Wilson: Or worse?
Dr. House: I stacked them.
Dr. Wilson: [Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke.
[Dr. Wilson grabs a cup of coffee.]
Dr. House: I...wouldn't drink that.
[Dr. Wilson looks at him quizzically.]
Dr. House: Leg hurt and...[Points in general direction of bathroom, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]
[Dr. House is proud for having diagnosed a protein deficiency on a patient, arguing "It can't be tested; it can't be seen"]
Dr. Foreman: [Disgusted] You're happy about this.
Dr. Cameron: She's going to die!
Dr. House: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.
Dr. Chase: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

The Jerk [3.23]

[edit]
Dr. Chase: Your head still hurt?
Nate: You a moron?
Nate's Mom: Nate!
Nate: I'm clutching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. [Turns to Dr. Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.
Dr. House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. That cool?
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastically] Yeah, no problem.
[Dr. House smiles and walks out. Dr. Cuddy panics and runs out after him]
Dr. Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
Dr. House: It wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.
[Nate is high on magic mushrooms prescribed by Dr. House]
Nate: [he looks at Dr. Chase and chuckles] Hey! Hey, it's Skippy! The Bush Kangaroo!
Dr. Chase: Your head, Nate, we need to know how the pain is.
Nate: What I got here... it's the opposite of pain.
Nate [to Dr. House, when he enters with the chess-board]: Who are you?
Dr. House: Doctor MacCaney!

Human Error [3.24]

[edit]
Dr. House [to Dr. Chase]: You're fired.
Dr. Chase: Wha... what because I yelled at you?
Dr. House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.
[Dr. House is defending his firing of Dr. Chase]
Dr. House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
Dr. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people!
[Marina has just revived after her heart stopped a day ago]
Marina: [weakly] Esteban?
Esteban: Marina.
Dr. House: Holy crap...
Marina: Is this Heaven?
Dr. House: No, it's New Jersey.
Estaban: God sent you back to me! It's a miracle!
[House looks to the heavens in a pleading manner]
Dr. Cameron: Other than a miracle it's the only other explanation for her symptoms.
Dr. House: How come God gets credit whenever something good happens?! Where was he when her heart stopped?
[After Cameron turns in her resignation letter to House]
Dr. Cameron: I've gotten all I can from this job.
Dr. House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologize? Beg Chase to come back?
Dr. Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

Cast

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