House (Season 4)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Alone [4.01][edit]

Dr. Cuddy: Two surgeries from multiple fractures and burns-
Dr. House: I was thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.

Dr. House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
Dr. Cuddy: [holds up resumes] So hire a team.
Dr. House: What for? I don't have a case.

Dr. House: You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

[Cuddy pulls the guitar cord out of the amp]
Dr. Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
Dr. House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?

Dr. House: Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.
Janitor: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.
Dr. House: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.
Janitor: Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.
Dr. House: Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
Janitor: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.
Dr. House: Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.

Dr. Wilson: Where's the restaurant?
Dr. House: What restaurant?
Dr. Wilson: The one you said you were taking me to for lunch.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Oh, uh, [maneuvers his car towards the patient's house] this one's homier. [Dr. Wilson is silent] Dibs on the cold pizza.

[House found the patient's hidden diary while searching their house]
Dr. House: She had a secret diary.
Dr. Wilson: Is there any other kind?
[House notices that Wilson is cutting out a coupon]
Dr. House: What are you doing?
Dr. Wilson: There's a sale on at Liquid Tide.
Dr. House: If you're broke, I can lend you a tiny bit of the money I owe you.
Dr. Wilson: No, no. I wouldn't put you in that position. What does the diary say?
Dr. House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
Dr. Wilson: If it was you'd be quoting. That's summarizing.
Dr. House: It's a parade of sad banalities: can hardly get out of bed, feeling blue. Then, three months ago it turns into a parade of happy banalities: starting to turn the corner, job's looking up.
Dr. Wilson: We can stop swabbing, her clichés are getting healthier.

Dr. Wilson: [To Dr. House] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?
House: I only have to convince the mother. [Thinks for a moment)] Actually... I don't have to convince anyone.

[After House has sent the janitor to get the family to sign a consent form]
Ben Prosner: He's a janitor?!
Dr. House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
Dr. Cuddy: House, shut up!

Dr. House: Give it back.
Dr. Wilson: What happened? Did someone... kidnap your guitar? Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?
Dr. House: Where'd you hide it?
Dr. Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
Dr. House: Yeah, it takes a cri... (stops, seeing pieces missing from Dr. Wilson's newspaper) It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?
Dr. Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants. To see you interview 5 to 7 well-qualified fellowship candidates.
Dr. House: I don't need a team.
Dr. Wilson: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.
Dr. House: And solved the case!

Dr. Cuddy: Well let's just say your anti-depressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
Dr. House: Okay, a structure collapsed...
Dr. Cuddy: Shut up.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, in the end they release the hostages. How's that working for you?
Dr. House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.
Dr. Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.
Dr. House: [switches on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?
Dr. Wilson: It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
Dr. House: Well, say adios.
Dr. Wilson: Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!
Dr. House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.
Dr. Wilson: Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
Dr. House: Bring it on!

Dr. Cuddy: Where did you come from?
Dr. House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.

Dr. Cuddy [to Dr. House]: You're wrong.
Dr. House: Who are you going to believe, a classic toy, or a woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas, wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a wonder bra?

Dr. Cuddy: Internal bleeding.
Dr. House: Not anymore, now it's all over the place.

Dr. House: Don't you have a patient?
Female ER doctor: She shot herself in the leg while high on meth. Would it hurt her to be in pain for a little while?

Dr. House: Are you a fan of symmetry?
Female ER doctor: Sure.
Dr. House: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by "eyes" I mean breasts.
Dr. House: ARDS and crush syndrome, both reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both?
Female ER doctor: Because... because then there's nothing we could do.
Dr. House: Boy, you remind me of someone.

Dr. Wilson: You stole my patient.
Dr. House: You kidnapped my guitar.
Dr. Wilson: Give him back.
Dr. House: Only when you give her back.
Dr. Wilson: It's a she?
Dr. House: Well, it's certainly not a dude.
Dr. Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being!
Dr.House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. Cuddy: [to Dr. House] You were content with your "people are idiots" theory, but Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right.

Dr. House: [Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a note]

The Right Stuff [4.02][edit]

Dr. House: Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
Applicant #23: Neville Chamberlain?
Dr. House: You're fired.

Dr. House: As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
Applicant #11: We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
Dr. House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.

Dr. House: [introducing the patient to the team] Heeeeeeeeeere's Osama!

Dr. House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
Applicant #32: Not at all.
Applicant #13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
Dr. House: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference, you know?

Dr. House: [after seeing Dr. Chase walk past] Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent?
Applicant #24: Can't see an accent.
Dr. House: Good point.

Applicant #24: Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Applicant #6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room!
Dr. House: Well you didn't stop him, means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut-throat little pixie.

Applicant #10: She had another episode of synesthesia, it set off a psychotic attack and now she ran in there and must have jammed something in the handles.
Dr. House: So you call me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage.

Dr. Cuddy: From now on, everything you do gets charted. With pen. On paper. In a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover.
Dr. House: [Whining]Moooomm!
Dr. Cuddy: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you think about doing scans, I get a copy.
Dr. House: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper.

Dr. House: Number 10, you're fired.
Applicant #10: She told you?
Dr. House: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half-asleep, missed his afternoon nap - obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
Applicant #10: You can't know...
Dr. House: And... that chick's [Applicant #24] been pointing at you since I walked in.

Dr. House: I fired you!
Applicant #6: [wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.
Applicant #24: He fired you. You're number 6.
Applicant #6: No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
Dr. House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.

Dr. House: Vitamin D is metabolized by the liver and kidneys, it wouldn't tell us which one screwed up.
Applicant #6: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila, measure how long it takes for her to pass out. If it's too fast it means her liver's not processing alcohol, means it's shot.
Dr. House: I like you, number 9.

[Dr. Cole refuses to participate in a drinking test to check their patient's liver status because he's a devoted Mormon]
Dr. House: Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath?

Dr. House: So tell me about the magic underwear.
Applicant #18: Is that why you're here?
Dr. House: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
Applicant #18: You're reversing your argument?
Dr. House: I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
Applicant #18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
Dr. House: But your judgement was to say no. You used my judgement.
Applicant #18: You made a good argument.
Dr. House: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.
Applicant #18: You're an atheist.
Dr. House: Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.
Applicant #18: Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe-?
Dr. House: It's not about fun, it's about the truth.

Applicant #18: She was having trouble breathing, refused oxygen and intubation.
Dr. House: So you put her on a treadmill...?
Applicant #13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as part of a routine cardio stress-test. She gets to breathe, your boss gets her paperwork.
Dr. House: Whose idea was that?
Applicant #13: It's a joint decision.
Dr. House: It never is.

Applicant #18: The problem is not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.
Applicant #39: Not that well; NASA's gonna check every cranny.
Applicant #"9": I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do.
Applicant #2: She'll sue.
Applicant #24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government?
Applicant #39: We don't need to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.
Applicant #2: You mean like liposuction?
Applicant #39: No, no, those incisions are too far from the lungs. We don't subtract, we add. Turn her B's into C's.
Dr. House: It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.

Dr. Cuddy: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

Dr. House: [After meeting Cameron in the ER] Hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.

97 Seconds [4.03][edit]

Dr. Volakis: He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.
Dr. Jeffrey Cole: Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.

Thirteen: Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.
Dr. House: You have just given a state secret to the enemy.
Thirteen: What enemy?
Dr. House: New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
Dr. House: Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] ...overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
Twin 15A: How 'bout women versus men.
Dr. House: Excellent suggestion... fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the yanks.
Dr. Volakis: Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
Dr. House: Do your sex organs dangle, cutthroat bitch?
Dr. Volakis: Not yet.

Dr. Henry Dobson: We're not okay.
Dr. Volakis: I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
Dr. Dobson: Manipulative.
Dr. Kutner: "Cutthroat bitch" is your official title.

[Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]
Dr. Cuddy: Why are you here?
Dr. House: My office is being used by my teams.
Dr. Cuddy: Teams?
Dr. House: ...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.
Dr. Cuddy: You have teamS?
Dr. House: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.
Dr. Cuddy: You can't make a competition out of patient care.
Dr. House: Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?
Dr. Cuddy: Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?
Dr. House: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-
Dr. Cuddy: You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-
Dr. House: Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.
Dr. Cuddy: If you know you are obligated to treat-
Dr. House: Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?
Dr. House: I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.

Dr. House: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why choose electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
Dr. Wilson: I love the team thing, by the way.
Dr. House: ...bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.
Dr. Wilson: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the greater good.
Dr. House: It would've been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.
Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the "rain in Spain" doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.

Dr. House: [To the patient who electrocuted himself] I check this box and your new roommates are going to be Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin.

Dr. House: Who are you Thirteen?
Thirteen: My name's in the file.
Dr. House: Fact that you won't answer my question tells me more about you than answers could.
Thirteen: No it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees-
Dr. House: You think that not answers tell me anything?
Thirteen: Sure, just not as much as actual answers, that's why they're called answers.
Dr. House: They tell me you're hiding something.
Thirteen: Tells you I'm hiding everything.
Dr. House: Tells me you got something worth hiding. Is it Turkish prison? Gay porn? You killed a man just because he was asking too many questions?

[Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron are leaving, when House confronts them in the lobby]
Dr. House: [to Chase] I can have you fired!
Dr. Chase: You already had me fired.
Dr. House: Just proves that I can.
Dr. Chase: Were the men wrong?
Dr. House: No. That doesn't change the fact--
Dr. Chase: Why are you yelling at me?
Dr. House: Because, performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital--
Dr. Chase: You're frustrated. You want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent... leave a message. [Chase leaves]
Dr. Cameron: I like him better like this. You?

Dr. House: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.

Dr. House: :[Yelling through Dr. Wilson's office door] HEY WILSON! I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT! WANNA COME WATCH?!
[Dr. Wilson opens his door and looks at Dr. Cuddy and Dr. House]
Dr. Wilson: Good times.

[After Dr. House electrocuted himself]
Dr. Wilson: Just looking at you hurts. I'm gonna order up some extra pain meds.
Dr. House: I love you.

Dr. House: [To Stark's dead body in the morgue] I'm sorry to say, I told you so. [He covers the body with a blanket]

Guardian Angels [4.04][edit]

Dr. House: [over the phone from his office] Goooood morning, Angels. As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often you get a patient who sees dead people.
Dr. Kutner: What file?
Dr. House: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half-hour ago.
Dr. Cameron: [enters House's office carrying a coffee] It was not a half-hour, it was ten minutes, and he made copies of the ER records first. [starts to give the coffee to Dr. House]
Dr. House: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this mocha frappalicious would have whip on it.
Dr. Cameron: Fine, I'll refer the case to Foreman.
Dr. House: Can't. Mercy fired him.
Dr. Cameron: [surprised] He got fired?
Dr. House: He disobeyed his superior officer under fire. He's lucky he wasn't executed.
Dr Cameron: How do you know about it? Are you keeping tabs on him?
Dr. House: Girls talk.

Dr. Taub: [asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.
Dr. House: He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.
Dobson: Could be an STD...
Dr Taub: Why isn't he fired?
Dr. House: [starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel. Dark Religious Nut,...
Dr. Cole: [surprised] What did you call me?
Dr. House: I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?
Dr. Cole: Cole.
Dr. House: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]
Dr. Cameron: [about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.
Dr. House: You wanna bet?
Dr. Cameron: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.
Dr. House: One hundred dollars.
[Dr. Cameron stops leaning on the desk]
Dr. House: Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.
Dr. Cameron: Define "kick your ass".
Dr. House: Any physical confrontation...
Dr. Cameron: ...Or verbal.
Dr. House: Define "verbal".
Dr. Cameron: Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!
Dr. House: You realize what you're encouraging here?
Dr. Cameron: [smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.

[The fellows are in the lecture room talking to House via phone]
Dr. Cole: Ethanol could have psychoactive effects...
Dr. House: Bosley, tell whoever's talking that he's an idiot. [Dobson begins to stand up, but then stops. There is a long pause] Bosley, either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong.
Dobson: [to Dr. Cole] You're an idiot.

Dobson: The disease [mad-cow disease] could be spread by brain tissue.
Dr. House: Which is very cool. Run with it.
Dr. Brennan: So because the answer might be cool, you want us to do a brain biopsy on a 24-year-old woman?
Dr. House: No, because the answer is something cool, I want you to do a brain biopsy on a 48-year-old dead guy.

Dr. House: Don't think of it as digging up a body, think of it as keeping another one from being buried.

Dr. Volakis: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting her] Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp., and any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police Department.

Dr. Cuddy: The doctor's lounge is covered in mud.
Dr. House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jell-o.
Dr. Cuddy: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad.
Dr. House: A little, tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a waste; he wasn't using it anymore.
Dr. Cuddy: That's your defense? "We just dismembered him"?

Dr. Cuddy: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?
Dr. House: Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.

Dr. House: You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' lounge, let's go.
Dr. Taub: Why me?
Dr. House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; that would be insensitive.

Dr. Cameron: How's it going?
Dr. House: Great. The only way he [Dr. Cole] could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.
Dr. Cameron: He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength-
Dr. House: Hey, we didn't bet on how strong he was.
Dr. Cameron: So you're going a collect a hundred dollars and fire him because he has principles?
Dr. House: What's your agenda here? You obviously don't care about the hundred.
Dr. Cameron: He's a decent, smart-
Dr. House: You don't care about the team.
Dr. Cameron: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?
Dr. House: Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fire because you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me.

Dr. Taub: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast.
Dobson: PBG's were negative. If you read the report-!
Dr. Taub: PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack, which you would know if you were a real doctor!
Dr. House: That is just great!
Dobson: What is?
Dr. Taub: Which one of us is?
Dr. House: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Dr. Volakis: [eagerly] I hate Thirteen.
Dr. House: Not as productively.

Dr. House: What'd the angio say?
Dr. Cole: We couldn't finish. She started groping me.
Dr. House: You couldn't let her get to second base just to get the test done?
Dr. Kutner: I think that's third base.

Dr. Cole: What do you want us to do?
Dr. House: The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?
Dr. Cole: This isn't the time for--
Dr. House: Casting out the demons?
Dr. Cole: The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.
Dr. House: You believe that the book has all the answers.
Dr. Cole: To morality, not science!
Dr. House: But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?
Dr. Cole: Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!
Dr. House: You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--
[Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]
Dr. Volakis: [after a moment of silence] I know what she has.
Dr. House: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.

Dr. Cameron: [After winning a $100 bet] Cash will be fine.
Dr. House: I bet you say that to all the guys.

Mirror Mirror [4.05][edit]

Dr. Cuddy: [dropping Foreman off to join House's new team] But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge.
Dr. House: Oh,, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

Dr. House: I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.
Dr. Foreman: Thanks.
Dr. House: ... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.
Dr. Foreman: The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.
Dr. House: Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.

Dr. Foreman: [To Dr. House] Giovannini's?
Dr. House: Do you know another mirror syndrome?

Robert:[Mirroring Amber] If they don't like you, you got to be right, or you're not worth anything.

Dr. House: [about Sweden] Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight.

Dr. Cuddy: Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the "Great Mayonnaise Panic" of 2007. Frankly I'm worried it might spread to other continents.

Thirteen: His [The patient's] car was towed, and the tow gate's locked. Guys must be out on a run.
Dr. House: That's why I sent two of you: one of you breaks in. The other posts bail.
Thirteen: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.
Dr. House: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs, right?

Dr. Taub: You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?
Dr. House: Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

Dr. House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

Dr. House: [To Dr. Kutner] So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Dr. Kutner: Thank you.
Dr. Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
Dr. House: Yes, it was. Now comes the insult; YOU'RE INSANE!

[Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most powerful person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House are more powerful]
Dr. Cuddy: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.
Dr. House: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.
Dr. Wilson: [Outside with Dr. Foreman] So what if it's House?
Dr. Foreman: Then I take the job at Mount Zion.
Dr. Wilson: There is no job at Mount Zion.
Dr. Foreman: House said...
Dr. Wilson: Well, if House said it, it must be true.
Dr. Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a re-
Dr. House: She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -
Dr. Cuddy: He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -
Dr. House: She's hot for me.
Patient: Shut up.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
Patient: You have great ya-boos.
Dr. Cuddy: [Trying] Still could have been either of us.
Dr. House: [Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]
Dr. Cuddy: Seriously, I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.
Dr. Foreman: [seeing House doing his victory dance from outside the room] Damn.

Whatever It Takes [4.06][edit]

Dr. Cole: That your breakfast?
Dr. House: Technically it's Wilson's lunch.

Dr. House: [to the CIA agent recruiting him] If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.

Dr. House: [First walking trough the CIA building] Looks a lot better on 24. [Sees Dr. Terzi after walking into her office] I take that back.

Dr. Terzi: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
Dr. Curtis: [shakes hands with House] Dr. House.
Dr. House: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
Dr. Curtis: [pleased] Oh, you've read it?
Dr. House: Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.

Dr. Terzi: I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.
Dr. House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.
Dr. Terzi: That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.
Dr. Curtis: Where was the patient when he first fell ill?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been, and yes - "John"'s a cover name.
Dr. Curtis: And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, can't tell you that either.
Dr. Curtis: Well, what can you tell us?
Dr. House: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?

Dr. House: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the theory that he accidentally ate a couple hundred slightly less persuasive.

House: Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?
Dr. Terzi: We don't kill people.
House: I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?

Dr. Curtis: He [Dr. House] should be brought up on charges!
Dr. House OK, relax, I'll take your book out from under my piano.

Dr. House: You make a good point. I've been wrong every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she [chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got a ride in the jet.

Dr. Wilson: I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls.
Dr. House: Oh, I could never grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenström's?
Dr. Wilson: Where are you?
Dr. House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine do you need?
Dr. Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
Dr. House: They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much-?
Dr. Wilson: [interrupting] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.

Dr. House: You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis - wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
Dr. Terzi: You're offering me a job?
Dr. House: I'd settle for that.
Dr. Terzi: As tempting as a position on your staff is, I like it here.
Dr. House: Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt
Dr. Terzi: And I'm sure you're a great boss, that's why your fellows left en masse a couple of months ago. [House looks awkwardly at her] I have satellite images.

Dr. House: You've got to get down here – they have a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion is slim to none, but...

Dr. Cameron: When - when you were dying, you tried to infect me, because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying, too.
Dr. Foreman: You're bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?
Dr. Cameron: I'm happy I changed jobs. But, I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.
Dr. Foreman: You miss people trying to kill you?
Dr. Cameron: No, I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [slight pause, Foreman nods] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up.

Dr House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
Dr Cuddy: Who doesn't?

Ugly [4.07][edit]

Dr. House: You see, I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.

Dr. House: Also, my eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.

Dr. Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
Dr. House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
Dr. Cuddy: A little part of me...
Dr. House: [interrupting her] There is no little part of you.

Dr. Kutner: Are we gonna be on TV?
Dr. House: I'm making a music video.

Dr. House: [about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.
Dr. Wilson: Who?
Dr. House: She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!
Dr. Wilson: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?

Dr. Wilson: Well it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
Director: [off screen] What setback?
Dr. Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. The records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
Director: You think they singled him out because...
Dr. Wilson: No, literally, a witch hunt. Doctor House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring...
Dr. House: [entering off screen] (to the director) Hey hey hey! You have an all access pass to the case, not my fave fives.

[About Dr Terzi]

House: She's making me an idiot.
Wilson: That's cute. You have a crush.
House: No, I think it's something systematic.
Wilson: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.
House: She killed a patient.
Wilson: The bitch is pretty.
House: The bitch is a bitch.
Wilson: Ask her out.
House: The bitch? She's a bitch.
Wilson: No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life. Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

Dr. House: You’re right about me being wrong, you're wrong about you being right.

[The movie crew is interviewing Cameron in the ER while she works on a patient]
Director: So, before you worked here in the ER you worked for House, right?
Dr. Cameron: Three and a half years.
Director: Why did you leave?
ER Patient: Hey, I - I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.
Director: We'll blur you out.
Dr. Cameron: [to the patient] Take off your pants.
ER Patient: [to the director] Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?
Director: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?
Dr. Cameron: Loaded question.
ER Patient: Faaaarrrkk! [chuckles] That's not even a word. [giggles] Fork!
Director: [sarcastically] Very clever.
Dr. Cameron: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.
Director: And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?
Dr. Cameron: [distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.
Director: [surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.
Dr. Cameron: I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?
Director: Why you left.
Dr. Cameron: [confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!
ER Patient: [giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.

Dr. Taub: [to House] Some of us pop pain pills, I cheat. We all have our vices.

Dr. House: Wow you are ugly.
Kenny: Wow you're an ass!

Dr. Wilson: Where'd you get those keys?
Dr. House: Blue the janitor.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: That's his name.
Dr. Wilson: His name's Lou!
Dr. House: ...Owe him an apology.

Dr. Wilson: Can I see that again?
Dr. House: And what did you miss? She screwed up, I....
Dr. Wilson: No, just the part when she leans forward, I think you can see through her dress.

Dr. Taub: There's a mass lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.
Dr. House: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?
Dr. Taub: Dr. House. Please......

Dr. House: We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.
Director: The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"
Dr. House: Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?

Dr. House: [To Dr. Terzi] You're fired. [Long pause]. You wanna grab some dinner, maybe a movie?

You Don't Want To Know [4.08][edit]

Dr. Kutner: I saw this magician last night...
Dr. House: The girl's fine, he didn't really cut her in half.
Dr. Kutner: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in a water tank.
Dr. House: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery.

Dr. House: We can all applaud the doctor who is willing to break all the rules, but the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity [hits a string in the air], because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [the fellows stare at him in disbelief] Not kidding. [the fellows continue staring] Thong. Cuddy. Go.
[the fellows turn to Foreman]
Dr. Foreman: [resigned] That's how I got hired.

[Dr. Taub throws a black thong on the table, but House intervenes by catching it with his cane]
Dr. House: These are not Cuddy's panties.
Dr. Taub: You don't think that I...
Dr. House: No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today. [lays the thong on the table] Like I'M the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.
Dr. Foreman: Do your research, people. [changing the subject] An intestinal infarct could be linked to the cardiac arrest.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Volakis] Hike up your skirt.
Dr. Volakis: Wow, that's rude, even for you.
Dr. House: Hike 'em down, then. You're wearing a black bra. Let's see the underwear.
Dr. Volakis: NO!
Dr. House: [About Dr. Taub and Dr. Volakis] You two cut a deal.
[Dr. Volakis picks up the panties.]
Dr. Volakis: If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough.
Dr. Kutner: So you're not wearing any underwear?
Dr. Foreman: Um, there's a guy...bleeding...
Dr. House: Foreman, she's not wearing any underwear. You used to be more fun.
Dr. Foreman: So she's not wearing any underwear, big deal. If she stops wearing clothes then we can drop the medical stuff.

Dr. House: [Before doing surgery on a magician] Ladies and gentlemen. I've got nothing in my hands. Nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this particular trick.

Dr. House: Hypothetical: a young woman does something clumsy in public and instead of laughing it off she gets irrationally upset. Explain.
Thirteen: Maybe she's clumsy 'cause she's nervous 'cause she forgot to do her spelling homework. [Dr. House stares at her] In my hypothetical she's 8.

Dr. Taub: [Discovers rabbits in the patients home] Tularemia.
Dr. Kutner: [With his back turned] No, you'd have to have rabbits.
Dr. Taub: True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white fluffy alligators.

Dr. House: Actual magic is oxymoronic. [pause] Might not even be oxy.

Flynn: The fun is in not knowing. [Dr. House appears to cut the magician's IV line, the magician looks worried]
House: The fun is in knowing. [He shows the magician his intact IV line, showing that he cut a piece of plastic tubing]
Flynn: [exclaims] Oh, my head! Oh! I have a headache.
Dr. House: How bad? Is it new?
Flynn: Oh! It's not too bad. I'll take one of these. (pretends to have a pill bottle in his hand, and pours out two real pills in his hand.]
Dr. House: Hm? Vicodin. [Dr. House pulls out his actual pill bottle, and shakes it, hearing nothing shaking in it]

Flynn: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.
Dr. House: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

Dr. House: OH MY GOD! You're not wearing underwear!
Dr. Cuddy: [Embarrassed] Of course I'm..
Dr. House: [Interrupts] Skirt that tight you got no secrets. Skirt that tight I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Cuddy: [Blushing] No..
Dr. House: You're blushing.
Dr. Cuddy: [Not looking at Dr. House] I am not..
Dr. House: Look at me.
[Dr. Cuddy looks at House]
Dr. House: OH. MY. GOD!!!
[Dr. Cuddy walks away quickly]

Dr. Cole: If I could just get the immunity, I would...
Dr. House: No, Sophie, you can't.

Dr. House: I noticed a trend: nobody does anything, sick people get sicker.

Thirteen: [Talking about Dr. House] What did you drug him with?
Dr. Cole: Amber's nickname is Cutthroat Bitch and you're pointing at me.

Thirteen: [Sarcastically] Yeah, I've been here for eight weeks because my subscription to Masochism Weekly ran out.

Dr. House: Well apparently, he has one more symptom, his body's making an extra antibody, type B. Combine that with his natural type A, and presto change-o, he magically pulls blood type AB out of his hat.
Dr. Foreman: Would you stop that?
Dr. House: God, yes!

Dr. House: I finally have a case of lupus.

Dr. Cole [to Dr. House about Dr. Cuddy]: You said get her underwear, I got it.
Dr. House: Your scheme was brilliant and you're fired.
Dr. Cole: You're all about breaking the rules.
Dr. House: Her rules, not mine. The whole point of this was to subvert Cuddy. You became her partner, gave her power she didn't already have. Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which, sadly is, not as dirty as it sounds. Thanks for playing.

Thirteen: What the hell is this?
Dr. House: Looks like an envelope with the results for the genetic test for Huntington's inside.
Thirteen: Did you look?
Dr. House: Thought it would be fun to find out together.
Thirteen: I don't want to know.
Dr. House: No, you're afraid to know.
Thirteen: I might die. So could you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?
Dr. House: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me I'd take them.
Thirteen: You spend your whole life looking for answers, because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?

Games [4.09][edit]

Dr. House: You're not taking the long view.
Dr. Foreman: The one where we stuff another patient in a body bag?
Dr. House: Nope, if we're wrong it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team; that way we can use all those bags we save for grocery shopping.

[Dr. Volakis sees "17" written under her nickname]
Dr. Volakis: I have 17 points?
Dr. House: I started you all out on 100, and you blew up part of the building.

Jimmy Quidd: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.
Dr. Volakis: Mission accomplished.

Dr. Volakis: Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? "Drugs are bad" is a stereotype? Losers lose is-
Thirteen: Malaria.

Dr. House: [pointing to his office] Manipulative bitch, you're wanted in the loser's circle. [He walks to his office; Dr. Volakis follows.] Why do you hate drug addicts?
Dr. Volakis: Your situation is different. You're taking a necessary prescription.
Dr. House: I know. I'm fabulous. And I'm not the patient.
Dr. Volakis: I'm not allowed to have a problem with junkies?
Dr. House: You're allowed, but there's gotta be a reason. He's a patient. You don't know him. But you hate him.
Dr. Volakis: He's throwing his life away.
Dr. House: 'Cause he's setting his own terms? Not living in fear of every pop quiz?
Dr. Volakis: I thought we were talking about him.
Dr. House: [exhales] We were never talking about him. Why are you afraid to lose?
Dr. Volakis: [laughs] Are you gonna fire me because I like to win?
Dr. House: Just want to know the reason.
Dr. Volakis: [pretends to think] Um, I watched this football game once. And I noticed something odd. [sarcastic] The winning team was the happy one. I did the math.
Dr. House: Our patient's happy.
Dr. Volakis: [softly] He's an idiot.
Dr. House: He's a happy idiot. That screws with your world view. There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there? Why are you afraid to... ?
Dr. Volakis: [interrupts, irritated] Mommy didn't love me enough. Daddy expected too much from me. [beat] Something! Let's assume that's true. I get how that can make me a screwed-up person. [choking] But how is my willingness to do anything to get the right answer bad for my patients? [beat] Or put in terms you can understand, how is it bad for you?
[House doesn't answer. She smiles and leaves.]

Dr. Taub: Don't care about the patient.
Thirteen: You care about this job more than you care about his life?
Dr. Taub: I care about my wallpaper more than I care about his life.
Thirteen: Okay, you're jerking me around. There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care about-
Dr. Taub: I care about life, I just don't care about his. He doesn't care, why should I?

Dr. House: There's no negligence without injury.

Dr. House: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?
Thirteen: Drugs are always a mask for something else.
Dr. House [pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.
[Thirteen leaves, Dr. House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy, when asking for her opinion as to which doctors he should keep] You're a bureaucratic nightmare, a chronic pain in the ass, and you're a second-rate doctor at best...
Dr. Cuddy: Am I blushing?
Dr. House: ...but, you do... know this stuff.

Dr. House: You have three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You've gone for column D. [Turns to the patient] Why? [Patient sighs] The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail".

Dr. House: [To Quidd] You care if I appreciate your music, but you don't care if you live or die.

Dr. Taub: Where's everybody else?
Dr. House: Clinic's been quarantined. A patient came in with avian flu-like symptoms. And 50 extra dollars in spending money.

Dr. Volakis: Does Foreman being here mean the game's over?
Dr. House: It means the patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want.

Jimmy Quidd: You hate me, don't you?
Dr. Volakis: [Closes her eyes] Yeah.
Jimmy Quidd: I don't care.
Dr. Volakis: [Whispering] What's it like?
Jimmy Quidd: Means you have no regrets.

Dr. Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard!
Dr. House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Dr. House: [Yelling over the music played to induce a seizure in the patient] Now remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.

Dr. House: [places record in record player] A little mood music, build the suspense.
Dr. Kutner: Sounds more folky.
Dr. House: You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? Amber! Please stand.
Dr. Volakis: You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?
[She stands]
Dr. House: You play the game better than anybody else here. [Dr. Volakis smiles.] But for the wrong reasons.
Dr. Volakis: Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing...
Dr. House: You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired.
[Dr. Volakis doesn't protest. She nods tearfully. The other look at her sympathetically. She sits heavily back down.]

Jimmy Quidd: What's wrong with you?
Dr. Volakis: I got fired.
Jimmy Quidd: W-what are you doing here?
Dr. Volakis: Trying not to care.
Jimmy Quidd: Yeah, that's not easy.

Dr. Cuddy: Hire a woman, too.
Dr. House: Hire two women.
Dr. Cuddy: You can have the one that gives a crap about people.
Dr. House: [seriously] They both do.
Dr Cuddy: Right. Hire Thirteen. [Dr. House nods obediently. Dr. Cuddy starts to walk off. An evil smile forms on Dr. House's face. Dr. Cuddy stops midway to the door, suddenly understanding.] This was your plan all along.
[She turns to him. Dr. House keeps smiling. Dr. Cuddy chuckles.]
Dr. Cuddy: Well, at least the games are over.
Dr. House: How long have you known me?
[Dr. Cuddy smiles knowingly. She leaves. House gets off the desk and goes towards the door. He takes a last look at the lecture hall, then turns off the lights and leaves.]

It's A Wonderful Lie [4.10][edit]

Dr. House: Dr. Kutner, who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season, celebrating a mythical figure?
Dr. Kutner: Wasn't me.
Dr. House: He lied. Homie knows better, Hymie doesn't care, and Huntington's would have done a better job.
Thirteen: I don't have Huntington's.
Dr. House: That you know of.

Dr. Kutner: Can we do a "Secret Santa"?
Dr. House: I liked you better fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.

Dr. House: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?
Jane: You just think we gotta be lying to-
Dr. House: [cuts her off] White lies?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.
Jane: I don't lie.
Dr. House: Rationalizations?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.

Dr. House: There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
Dr. House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?
Dr. House: Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or - no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.
Dr. Wilson: You're so full of love... or something.

Dr. Cuddy: You owe me 50 bucks.
Dr. House: And you owe me half a lap dance.

Dr. House: I wanna hire 40 more fellows.
Dr. Cuddy: You already fired the ones you hired?!
Dr. House: They work better when they're scared.
Dr. Taub: [enters] You were right, the guy slipped her ecstasy.
Dr. House: You have any symptoms?
Dr. Taub: No. Kutner's starting the patient on hemodialysis and Thirteen's in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves]
Dr. House: [annoyed] See! A clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation with absolutely no attitude of fear.
Dr. Cuddy: [deadpan sarcastic] Something's gotta be done.
Dr. House: Oh, yeah!

Dr. House: Do you spell "homie" with y? [Foreman looks at him questioningly] I want to be respectful.

Dr. House: The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.

Dr. Taub: Try bondage.
Dr. House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House: [walking with Dr. Wilson] Where're we going?
Dr. Wilson: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.

Dr. House: I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.
Dr. Wilson: [haltingly] That sounds... horrible.
Dr. House: It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event that you know you're never gonna see again.
Dr. Wilson: You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.
Dr. House: Because I don't care. She cared, she did it anyway. She did it because she cared.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.
Dr. House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.

Dr. House: Why don't you take that thing off that hat!
Dr. Wilson: It's's a reindeer.
Dr. House: It's a moose on a Jew.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares? [He makes the hat's left antler flap.]

Frozen [4.11][edit]

Dr. Cameron: I am not giving you cable; you're gonna have to somehow survive with broadcast networks alone.
Dr. House: I'll be fine on Tuesdays...
[At the time, House was airing new episodes on Tuesdays at 9]

Dr. House: Oh great, I can't get cable but I get the South Pole on hi-def.

Dr. House: See all the good stuff that happen when you listen to me?

Dr. Foreman: Excuse us a second. [Turns off mic] Cancer explains her symptoms, a tumor in her lung or kidney that threw a clot to the other organ.
Dr. House: And you're worried the tumor might overhear and realize we're onto it.

Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] She said she cares about people? What a poser.

Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] You, for some reason, are happy.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] How dare you!

Dr. House: You're wearing that shirt for someone.
Dr. Wilson: The health department. They frown on topless oncology.

Cate: I can do the physical. There's no reason you need to watch.
Dr. House: I can think of at least three reasons. One of them's medical.

Cate: I'm not taking off my clothes.
Dr. House: One of us has to.

Dr. House: You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube so...
Cate: Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm anti-social.
House: [rolls his eyes] How about if I just get naked and you shut up?

Foreman: [After Dr. Wilson explains Dr. House's courtship rituals] Oh God! He's been wooing me for years.

Dr. House: I saw socks. That's not naked.
Cate: Have I mentioned it's freezing here? When they discover lymph nodes in feet, I will take off my socks.

Dr. House: Did they teach you that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?

Dr. House: Come on, Cate, let's get this over with.
Dr. Wilson: [he mutes the microphone on the webcam] You used her name.
Dr. House: Just trying to move things along, Bob.

Cate: You know, I e-mailed a couple colleagues at the hospital about you.
Dr. Wilson: You're checking up on me, not House?
Cate: Yeah, well House is straightforward, brilliant, and an ass.
Dr. Wilson: Two out of three good qualities, clear majority.
Cate: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are responsible, nice, human, and yet you're House's best friend.
Dr. Wilson: Hold there. [Cate stops adjusting.] Makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems?
Cate: Makes me think that you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem.
Dr. Wilson: Do you always insult your doctors?
Cate: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.
Dr. Wilson: [Smiles.] No wonder he likes you.

Dr. House: Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change.
Cate: You want to believe that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery.
Dr. House: Oh, shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.
Cate: And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other patient.

Dr. Wilson: Why am I here?
Dr. House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you would've told me her name.
Dr. Wilson: She doesn't have a name, it's some sort of... birth defect.
Dr. House: There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't remember 5 of their names. So we're down to Cuddy, your ex wives...
Dr. Wilson: Your mama.

Dr. House: That should be a hint as to what you're supposed to say.
Dr. Taub: We're sorry?
Dr. House: Wrong.
Dr. Kutner: I love you?
Dr. House: ...Wrong.
Thirteen: This is a game? First we have to screw with our co-worker and now we have to try to figure out what you want us to say? This is insane. I'm not playing.
Dr. House: Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose, you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting fired. Go pay for my cable. [Starts to leave.]
Dr. Kutner: No!
Dr. House: I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable.

Dr. House: You love her, right? You'd do anything to save her.
Sean:: Not this. I can't do this. If, if she dies because of something that I did, then I...
Dr. House: Listen, listen. I am not going to let you hurt her, okay?

Dr. Kutner: What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains everything.
Dr. House: She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.
Dr. Kutner:: No.
Dr. House: You're standing up to me?
Dr. Kutner: Maybe.
Dr. House: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot...
Dr. Kutner: Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.
Dr. House: It's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire... [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Dr. Kutner bows.]

Dr. Wilson: But you don't care about her.
[Amber walks up to the table.]
Amber: Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.
Wilson: [Gets up and kisses her.] Hi.
Amber: Sorry I'm late.
Dr. House: Cutthroat bitch?!
Dr. Wilson: I call her Amber.
[House is shocked]
Dr. Wilson: Was she on your list?

Don't Ever Change [4.12][edit]

Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying is she?
Dr. Wilson: Yes. Go away.

Dr. House: You guys know Wilson's dating Amber?
Dr. Foreman: No.
Dr. Taub: Wilson and Amber?!
Dr. Kutner: I knew. [Dr. House looks shocked] I asked her out. Said she just started seeing someone.
Thirteen: Cultures were negative for UTIs, no signs of previous trauma or STDs.
Dr. House: Kidney cancer.
Thirteen: CT was clear for tumors and kidney stones.
Dr. House: I thought Amber scared you guys.
Dr. Kutner: She does, but she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.
Dr. House: So do Canadians, doesn't mean that I want to date one.

Dr. Taub: Look, she's nuts, but we can't just give her 10 cc's of atheism and send her home.
Dr. House: Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope.

Dr. House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her because in this temple, I am Dr. Yahweh!

Dr. House: People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."
Dr. Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist?
Dr. House: They're still alcoholics. If they never take a drink as long as they live it's only because they didn't live long enough.

Dr. Kutner: I saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
Dr. House: Yes, the male always drives the female.

Dr. House: I wrote it in black, I'm always serious when I use black.

Amber Volakis: Hi Greg, and I call you Greg because we're now social equals.
Dr. House: I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.

[Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]
Dr. House: Any minute now she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.
Dr. Wilson: She tends to treat... She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon.
Dr. House: She's the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.
Dr. Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.
Dr. House: You like that!
Dr. Wilson: It's annoying, but she's good at it.
Dr. House: Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves...[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You're sleeping with me!

Yonatan Arnoff: The more you know someone, the more you should love them.

Thirteen: No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?

Dr. Foreman: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.

Dr. House: She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's... not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me.
Dr. Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.

Dr. Wilson: [To Dr. House] C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.

Dr. Kutner: At college, I was really into science fiction. But not like the guys with the six-hundred-dollar prosthetic ears who could swear in Romulan.

Dr. House: People don't change just because they wish they could.
Dr. Cuddy: And it bugs you that he wishes he could! You'll never lose your friend, House. You're the long-distance runner of neediness.

Dr. Cuddy: Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?
Dr. Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.

Dr. House: So instead of a few days we have a few hours to figure this out. Nice work, Chase.
Dr. Chase: Why do you need me?
Dr. House: Saying "Nice work, Chase" when you're not here is pointless. [Dr. Chase turns to leave] Seriously, we need you. [Dr. Chase leaves]
[Dr. House and his team continue]
Dr. Chase: [walking back in] You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still, no reason God can't speed it up and by God I of course I mean you.
Dr. House: [smiles] Told you we needed you.

Amber Volakis: You wanted to see me.
Dr. House: And you came.
Amber Volakis: I'd feel pretty confident it'll be something interesting.
Dr. House: Solve this case and the job is yours.
Amber Volakis: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this?
Dr. House: Standard contract all employees sign.
Amber Volakis: Why do you have to believe I have an ulterior motive?
Dr. House: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex... for crack.
[Amber pulls up a chair and sits down]
Amber Volakis: All my life I thought I had to choose between love and respect. And I chose respect. And with Wilson... I know what it's like to have both... And that beats a fellowship.
[She stands up, looks at the board and stands to leave, but turns back]
Amber Volakis: Could be DIC.
Dr. House: You've changed.
Amber Volakis: I hope so.
Dr. House: Normal platelet count rules out DIC. Good try, though.
[Amber smiles at House and House smiles back]

Dr. House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
Dr. Wilson: Do you know what this means?
Dr. House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continuum could unravel.
Dr. Wilson: My world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you've put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice 200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self.

No More Mr. Nice Guy [4.13][edit]

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron] Is he Canadian?
Dr. Cameron: He's a low priority.
Dr. House: Is that a yes?

Dr. Kutner: The world is a bell curve: most of us fall within the standard deviation but there are outliers and if we believe in the existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do... [pauses and glances at House], then we also have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme.

Dr. House: Who thinks niceness is not a symptom? [Dr. Foreman, Dr. Kutner, Dr. Taub and Thirteen put their hands up] And who thinks that their vote counts? [Dr. House puts his hand up]

Dr. House: Taub and Thirty-One...
Thirteen: Thirty-One?
Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.

Dr. House: I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
Dr. Chase: What's the second thing?
Dr. House: Other hand.

Dr. House: [On Dr. Wilson and Amber] I wish the best for them, and their tragically deformed children.

Dr. House: Joint custody.
Amber Volakis: Of Wilson?
Dr. House: Unless we have another love child?
[Amber looks at Dr. Wilson]
Amber Volakis: Deal with him!
Dr. House: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him, I'm just saying I'm entitled too.
Dr. Wilson: I don't know how to deal with him when he's being reasonable.
Amber Volakis: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child, you can make your own plans.
Dr. Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation... Swap your lubricant with superglue.
Dr. House: The man knows me.
Dr. Wilson: This is his way of accepting us.
Dr. House: It's actually a very touching moment. I'm proposing I get every other day and every other weekend.
Amber Volakis: I have yoga Wednesdays, you can have him then. But you have to have him home by 11. We can swap weekends.
Dr. House: Mondays and Wednesdays, and midnight.
Amber Volakis: : If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep till almost 2:00.
Dr. House: Wilson? Make a ruling.
Dr. Wilson:[Laughs] Uh, no. You two are like dogs circling each other in the park, [to Amber] and I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each others butts, bare your teeth and arrive at some strange detante, otherwise you'll end up biting each other's eyes out, [to Amber] again: with all the love in the world.
Dr. House: I'll let you sniff first.
Amber Volakis: Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.
Dr. House:: Take my deal, or I move in.
[Dr. House sits down]

Dr. Kutner: I'm not saying he's perfect, I'm saying he's trying to be. That's what people do. [Dr. Foreman stares at him.] What?
Dr. Foreman: That's not what people do.
Dr. Kutner: People usually suck, but they want to be good, want to be nice.
Dr. Foreman: House?
Dr. Kutner: [Shrugs.] Exception that proves the rule.
Dr. Foreman: What sort of argument is that?
Dr. Kutner: A bad one.
Dr. Foreman: [Opens up a cupboard.] That might be relevant. [Picks up a bottle.] Hydrofluoric acid. Lowers his calcium, causes the fainting and taste issue.
Dr. Kutner: But not the niceness.
Dr. Foreman: Wouldn't that be nice?

Dr. Cuddy: [reading House's performance review] A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist.
Dr. House: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute. Would be an example of that.

Dr. Taub: [to Dr. House] You were wrong.
Dr. House: Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.

[Dr. Kutner, Thirteen and Dr. Taub are at the Blood Bank, doing tests.]
Dr. Kutner: It's positive for syphilis.
Dr. Taub: You mind if I give you a performance review?
Dr. Kutner: Not the patient. House. He has syphilis.
[Everyone looks up from their lab desks and test analysises and are shocked]

[Thirteen, Dr. Taub, Dr. Kutner and Dr. Foreman walk into Dr. House's office. Dr. House is watching TV]
Dr. House: [Looks at them] Yes?
Dr. Kutner: You might want to turn off the TV.
Dr. House: I'm multitasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy. What'd you find out?
Dr. Taub: The patient has hepatitis.
Dr. House: I assume from your omission of the word 'viral' before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure becomes liver failed.
[Dr. Taub nods and tries to leave but Thirteen stops him]
Thirteen: We're all doing this.
Dr. House: There's more?
Dr. Foreman: You have syphilis.
Dr. House: [Turns off the TV and looks at them] No I don't.
Dr. Kutner: One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab...
Dr. House: Which one of you?
Dr. Foreman: It's treatable.
[Dr. House looks shocked, but is silent. Thirteen takes out a bottle of pills from her lab coat pocket and puts it on his desk]
Thirteen: We filled a prescription.
Dr. Kutner: Are you okay?
[Dr. House nods. Everyone leaves and Dr. House looks at the bottle of pills]

[Dr, House goes to visit Dr. Wilson]
Dr. House: There's something I need to tell you.

[Dr. House closes the door and notices Amber sitting on a chair behind the door]

Amber Volakis: You returned him drunk.
Dr. House: On time.
Amber Volakis: Drunk.
Dr. House: On time. No take backs.
Amber Volakis: The purpose of the time was to give me time.
Dr. House: So you didn't have sex?
Amber Volakis: I like sex.
Dr. House: Well you can have it tonight. The L Word is on.
Amber Volakis: You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're genuinely afraid I'm going to make him miserable, or you're afraid I'm going to make him happy, or you simply can't stop screwing with anything that moves. It doesn't really matter, because whatever the reason, you'll only get worse. Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. [She stands up] What do you think I'm going to choose?
Dr. House: If you terminate the agreement, it's not going to bring peace in the Mid-East.
Amber Volakis: I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses.
Dr. House: Fine. Whoever violates it gets their finger cut off.
Amber Volakis: I'm serious.
Dr. House: So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.
Amber Volakis: I'm not cutting...
Dr. House: We'll figure it out. On your time. [Amber kisses Dr. Wilson and leaves. Dr. House shuts the door behind her] You know she's certifiable right? I've got the forms in my desk.
Dr. Wilson: Where is she wrong? What were you going to tell me?
Dr. House: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: You're punishing me?
Dr. House: I needed to tell you something... privately.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not going to tell her.
Dr. House: You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend, you should tell her.
Dr. Wilson: You're my friend.
Dr. House: It's not the same. [Opens the door and starts to leave]
Dr. Wilson: Don't... sulk.
Dr. House: Where am I wrong? [Leaves and shuts the door behind himself]

[Dr. House leaves]

[After a diagnostic differential in which Dr. House was nice, his team including Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron are talking about his syphilis]

Dr. Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
Dr. Chase: Oh God.
Dr. Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.

[Dr. Taub and Dr. Kutner are doing an ultrasound on the patient and Amber walks in]

Dr. Kutner: [stunned] Hi?
Amber Volakis: House doesn't have syphilis. He switched the blood samples.
Dr. Taub: How do you know that?
Amber Volakis: House told Wilson. I wanted to ruin House's day. See ya.

[Amber leaves]

Dr. Kutner: Patient tested positive for syphilis right?
Dr. House: Is this some sort-of recap?
Dr. Kutner: But why did he test positive for syphilis?
Dr. House: [in a mocking tone] Oh! I know this!
Dr. Kutner: Either one he has syphilis...
Dr. House: I was going to say that!
Dr. Kutner: ...Or two the test was wrong twice or three he gave us someone else's blood.
Dr. House: [stares at him] Who?
Dr. Kutner: Amber.
Dr. House: [rolls his eyes] Get that idiotic smile out of my face, I have to go on a killing spree.

Dr. House: What you want you run away from, what you need you don't have a clue, what you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. Please sign.

Living the Dream [4.14][edit]

[Dr. Cuddy is having a meeting in her office, doctors and nurses are there including Dr. Chase, Dr. Cameron and Dr. Foreman]

Dr. Cuddy: The Accreditation Board is here to protect us and our patients, so in dealing with the onsite inspector please behave as if it wasn't also an enormous pain in the ass, thank you. [Everyone starts to leave] Chase, Foreman, Cameron, up here please. [Dr. Foreman, Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase walk back to Cuddy] Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Chase: Don't care?
Dr. Cuddy: Wrong. Until this inspection is over, you're back on House Watch. Current case, past cases
Dr. Foreman: He doesn't have a current case.
Dr. Cameron: I have a whole department.
Dr. Chase: And you're going to fire us if we don't?.
Dr. Cuddy: I has just asking for your help.

[Dr. Chase leaves]

Dr. Cuddy: [To Dr. Cameron] The last time I checked the ER you had the best kept charts in the building, the last time I checked the fourth floor's janitor's closet I found House's charts.

Dr. House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.
Evan Greer: Are you serious?
Dr. House: No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'

Dr. House: [After a patient he suspected had a brain tumor doesn't] He's fine?
Thirteen: And awake.
Dr. Taub: Oh. What should we tell him?
Dr. House: See if you can talk him out of suing me.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron, who is doing paperwork for him] Stick to the filing, sweetheart, let the doctors do the doctoring.

Dr. Cameron: You need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass.
Dr. House: Kutner! Leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Dr. Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?

[The team is watching DVDs for research]
Dr. Taub: Does sound a little forced, could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.
Thirteen: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though... [Dr. House looks at her]

Dr. House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?
Dr. Cuddy: No, I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
Dr. House: I can't do my job when you're gonna tie my hands like that!
Dr. Cuddy: 51 weeks at a year I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory. All I'm asking is that you tone it down for a few days.
Dr. House: I want that TV.
Dr. Cuddy: We're not bargaining.
Dr. House: You want something. Either you're bargaining or you're begging.
Dr. Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.
Dr. House: Yes, but it's better for you. I just want us to be equally happy.
Dr. Kutner: EMG was negative for nerve entrapment, means the foot's a real symptom, could be vitamin deficiency
Dr. House: Or a toxin.
Dr. Kutner: Or atherosclerosis
Dr. House: Or a toxin.
Dr. Cuddy: Why is toxin a better idea?
Dr. House: Might not be, we'll know after I finish searching his satin dressing room for medically relevant stuff. Got to go, need a decision.
Dr. Cuddy: You're not going to cut your own throat?
Dr. House: Yeah, that sounds like me.

Thirteen: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab, see if he gets a reflex erection.
Dr. House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Dr. Cameron]
Dr. Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
Dr. House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y... [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]
Dr. Cameron: Your porn is in the second drawer.

Dr. House: Dr. House. I don't think we've met.
Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.
Dr. House: Most people have: It's also a noun.

Evan Greer: You really as good as everyone seems to think you are?
Dr. House: Are you really as miserable, as everyone seems to think you are?
Evan Greer: I just wanna do something... that matters.
Dr. House: Nothing matters, we're all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying in the riverbank, nothing we do has any lasting meaning.
Evan Greer: And you think I'm miserable.
Dr. House: You're unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.
Evan Greer: I want to but...I can't.
Dr. House: Hmm... that's the problem with metaphors, they need interpretation. Jumping out of the plane is stupid.
Evan Greer: What if I'm not in a plane? What if I'm just in a place I don't want to be?
Dr. House: That's the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're actually in an ice cream truck, and outside are candy and flowers and virgins? You're on a plane! We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated, and... it's a long way down.
Evan Greer: So you're afraid of change?
Dr. House: No you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine you can escape, instead of actually trying. 'Cause if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real, so that you can hold on to hope. Thing is, hope is for sissies.
Evan Greer: When I get out of here I'm not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance?
Dr. House: Too many. Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance.

Dr. Wilson: I want a water bed.
Dr. House: Wow.
Dr. Wilson: I've always wanted one; I know it’s ridiculous, it's just, there's something nice about the thought of being rocked to sleep in water. No mocking? No Freudian analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I want to crawl into?
Dr. House: I'm ignoring you because you make me sad.

Pharmacist: You want to give one patient 100mg? That'll jump start a car.
Dr. House: Perfect, my patient's in a '69 Ford Coma.

Dr. Conway: Heard about House's patient. Bold move. And you backed him.
Dr. Cuddy: He was right.
Dr. Conway: He wasn't even in the same neighborhood as right.
Dr. Cuddy: The patient's alive.
Dr. Conway: Okay, the rules exist because 95% of the time for 95% of the people, they're the right thing to do.
Dr. Cuddy: And the other 5%?...
Dr. Conway: ...Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody thinks they're in that 5%.

House's Head [4.15][edit]

Dr. Wilson: A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.
Dr. House: Bad argument, since I was right about that.

Dr. House: [Not remembering the names of Dr. Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.
Thirteen: He just forgot mine.
Dr. House: No, Thirteen, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.
Thirteen: I'm not a lesbian.
Dr. House: I was rounding up from 50%.

Dr. Cameron: You're staying the night, we have to monitor your brain for swelling.
Dr. House: How much bigger could it get?

Dr. Kutner: The shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it.
Dr. Taub: Great idea. I'll build the giant submarine, you get the miniaturization gizmo.

Dr. House: You have a brain tumor.
Emo-Punk: You're kidding, right?
Dr. House: If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you.

Dr. House: Wish me luck, I'm going in, Rambo style.

[Dr. House is having an MRI, with Dr. Wilson studying the images of Dr. House's brain]
Dr. Wilson: What didn't you say out loud?
Dr. House: Very little.
Dr. Wilson: When you were under hypnosis, you were talking to Amber?
Dr. House: I wanted to see her naked.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously, what were you hiding?
Dr. House: I wanted to see her naked.
Dr. Wilson: You want to see everyone naked, why would you hide that?
Dr. House: Well, some guys get upset when you objectify their girlfriends. But if you're okay, I got a digital video camera so we could...
Dr. Wilson: I wouldn't get upset that you're treating my girlfriend like you treat every other woman on the planet. Unless... you're not. Unless it's deeper than that. You weren't objectifying her!
Dr. House: Trust me, I want to do some very nasty, demeaning stuff to your girlfriend.
Dr. Wilson: You have feelings... for her.

Thirteen: Why the bath?
Dr. House: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
Dr. House: Well you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980.
Thirteen: That was twenty-eight years ago.
Dr. House: [Dismissively] No it wasn't, shut up.
Thirteen: Did you just... forget what year it is?
Dr. House: [After a beat] No, I just remembered how old I am.

Dr. House: Give me some physostigmine, it crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Thirteen: [Sarcastically cheery] ...And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, and you'll go to heaven and be omniscient! Good idea, not gonna happen.

Dr. Cuddy: I didn't know you rode the bus.
Dr. House: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".
Dr. House: What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.
Dr. Cuddy: Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.
Dr. House: If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.
[The camera cuts back to Dr. Cuddy, who is now dressed like a stripper]
Dr. Cuddy: You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!
Dr. House: Don't blame me, blame my gender.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-
Dr. House: [Interrupts] Why can't you do both?
[Sensual music starts playing and Dr. Cuddy starts stripping provocatively while carrying out a differential diagnosis with House]
Dr. Cuddy: [Stops stripping and looks at Dr. House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]
Dr. House: No! [Cut back to Dr. Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House] Dance, woman!
Dr. Cuddy: [Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.
Dr. House: I screamed "no"!
Dr. Cuddy: And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?

Nurse Dickinson: Who are you talking to?
Dr. House: My large colon!

Dr. House: The other nurse always used to tuck me in.
Dr. Cuddy: I'll be on the couch, with a shotgun on my lap.
Dr. House: Worrying about me?
Dr. Cuddy: Making sure you don't try and make a limp for the border.

Dr. House: [To the Answer, holding a red ribbon] I have to tie this around you.
[Dr. House wraps the ribbon around The Answer's leg.]
The Answer: I'm cold.
Dr. House: Stay with me. Why did I say that?
[Blood oozes from the red ribbon]

[Dr. House takes a pill]
Dr. Cuddy: Is that vicodin?
Dr. House: Nope, just a little memory pick-me-up.
Dr. Cameron: [Grabs the bottle from him] Physostigmine.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you crazy! Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
Dr. House: That's the point. Speed up my neuronal firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
Dr. Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
Dr. House: Just now, or including the ones I took on the ride over?

[The Answer has appeared in Dr. House's flashback]

Dr. House: Why are you here?
The Answer: You believe in reason above all else. There must be a reason.
Dr. House: You have something to tell me?
The Answer: Yes. Who am I?
Dr. House: That's asking not telling. Who are you?
The Answer: You know who I am.
Dr. House: If I did I'd be passed out in bed instead of OD'ing on physostigmine on the 6th street cross-town.
The Answer: What's my necklace made of?
Dr. House: [Looking at the necklace] Resin?
The Answer: Who am I?
Dr. House: I don't know. Why the guessing game?
The Answer: Because you don't know the answer.
Dr. House: And if I don't, you don't. But you know the clues.
The Answer: I know what's bugging your subconsciousness. What's my necklace made of?
Dr. House: [Looks at necklace, realises and whispers] No.
The Answer: Who am I?
Dr. House: [Shakes head] Doesn't make sense.
The Answer: What's my necklace made of?
Dr. House: Amber.

[After the crash, Dr. House is attending to Amber]

Dr. House: I have to tie this around you. [Removes Amber's red scarf from her neck and ties it round her right leg]
Amber: I'm cold.
Dr. House: Stay with me. Just stay with me.

Dr. House: Amber.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: Amber. It was Amber. She was on the bus
Dr. Wilson: You almost kill yourself and all we're getting is drug induced fantasies.
Dr. House: Have you spoken to her?
Dr. Wilson: She's probably working, she's... she's been on call. [Looks at his watch] I called her... [Realises] She didn't call... I... I... How could she...
Dr. House: I don't know... Jane Doe #2.

[Thirteen picks up the file on Jane Doe #2 and reads]

Thirteen: Female. Late twenties. Kidney damage. Does Amber have a birthmark on her right shoulder? [Looks at Wilson and Wilson turns and looks at House]
Dr. House: She was on the bus with me. She's the one who's dying.

Wilson's Heart [4.16][edit]

Dr. Taub: I need to know if there's anything medically-relevant that you couldn't share publicly.
Dr. House: Is this Philanderers Anonymous intervention?

[Thirteen feels uneasy watching a video on Amber's laptop.]
Thirteen: Not even close to relevant. [walks away]
Dr. Kutner: [follows Thirteen] As long as we don't know what's wrong, we don't know what's relevant.
Thirteen: Yeah, maybe they're having sex on a pile of asbestos. Go watch it.

Thirteen: It's Amber.
Dr. House: Normally, I'd be fascinated. Today, don't care. Get over whatever it is and do your job.

Dr. House: Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.
Dr. Foreman: Good idea. And I'll go nap because I was concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll tell Wilson. You go sleep.

Thirteen: Maybe it's an allergic reaction to the interferon.
Dr. House: Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you take it.

Dr. House: Thirteen, stick a needle in there. If there's pus, Foreman's right.
Thirteen: Ultrasound is safer.
Dr. House: I'm not asking you to stick a needle all the way through. Taub, you do it.
Thirteen: No, wait, I can do-
Dr. House: No, apparently you can't!
[Thirteen walks out.]

Dr. Wilson: We are not starting her heart until we're one hundred percent certain.
Dr. Foreman: We're never one hundred percent certain!

Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...
Dr. House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

Dr. Wilson: You can't do this.
Dr. House: It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.
Dr. Wilson: Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.
Dr. House: And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-
Dr. Wilson: Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.
Dr. House: There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.
Dr. Wilson: What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?
Dr. House: You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?
[Dr. Wilson nods.]
[Dr. House nods in agreement.]

[Dr. House is having a deep brain stimulation procedure. Dr. Wilson and Dr. Chase are there]

Dr. Chase: I'm inserting the IPG probe into your hypothalamus. Give me three volts.

[Dr. Wilson administers 3 volts of electricity to House via turning a dial on a machine that is linked to the drill. Dr. House is then in Sharrie's Bar, looking at the bartender. There is no sound and the picture's in black and white. Cut to the operating room]

Dr. House: I can't hear him.
Dr. Wilson: Can't hear who?
Dr. House: Everything's in black and white.
Dr. Wilson: Who's talking? Is Amber there?
Dr. House: You're supposed to be jolting my hypothalamus not patting it.
Dr. Chase: We don't want to overload it.
Dr. House: As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well be watching a talkie.

[Dr. Chase looks at Dr. Wilson, Dr. Wilson nods and turns the dial up]

Dr. Wilson: Increasing from three to five volts. Sending impulse.

[Dr. House is back in Sharrie's Bar]

Bartender: [Takes Dr. House's keys] You're not getting them back.
Dr. House: [Checks his phone] Hey, take my keys, you got to give me a free phone call.

[The bartender gives Dr. House a phone. Dr. Wilson appears]

Dr. Wilson: Who are you calling?
Dr. House: [Looks at phone] Dialing Wilson.
Dr. Wilson: I was on call.[Cut to operating room] Amber... Amber was home.
Dr. House: I told her to find you. Have you pick me up.

[Cut to Sharrie's Bar. Dr. House drinks and Amber walks up to him]

Dr. House: [Noticing Amber] I said to find Wilson.
Amber: He's working and I'm willing to suffer this indignity on his behalf.
Dr. Wilson: Does she seem sick?
Dr. House: Not yet.
Amber: Come on, time to go.
Dr. House: Whoa. [calls the bartender] Need another round! And a drink for... what passes for a lady around here? [to Amber] What's your poison?
Amber: Nothing. [to the bartender] We're leaving.
Dr. House: [imitating her] We're leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving... [remembers] Cosmos. I remember Wilson buying cranberry juice. [to the bartender] I'll have another. And she'll have a Cosmopolitan.
Amber: The obstinate drunk thing is not flattering. C'mon. You called for a ride.
[The bartender puts their drinks on the counter.]
Dr. House: Drink your drink, or I'll drink 'em both.
Amber:: One. [picks up her Cosmo] And you leave voluntarily.
[Dr. House clinks his glass to hers. They both down their drinks, Dr. House finishing first.]
Amber: Let's go.
Dr. House: [to the bartender] Hey! We need another Cosmo here.
[Amber sneezes. Dr. House notices it.]
Dr. House: She sneezed.
Dr. Wilson: What color is it?
[The bartender hands her a napkin.]
Amber: Thanks.
[Turning away from him, she wipes her nose. Dr. House watches her remove the napkin from her nose and sees the sputum.]
Dr. House: Looks like snot. Seems like a cold.
Dr. Wilson: Nothing else?
[In the Procedure Room.]
Dr. House: [softly] No.
[Subconscious. Dr. House staggers up (without his cane) and starts to walk to the door.]
Dr. Wilson: Where are you going?
Dr. House: Think I paid?
Amber: House, what are you doing? You can barely walk.
[Amber runs to him and puts his arm around her neck, propping him up.]
Dr. House: Go home. I'll take the bus.
Bartender: Hey, someone's gotta pay for this.
[Dr. House walks outside. Amber runs to the bartender to foot Dr. House's bill. Dr. House gets on the bus and falls into the seat. He lets out a belch, which the other commuters don't find appealing.]
Dr. House: Hi.
[Dr. House looks outside. Amber walks up to him, holding his cane.]
Amber: You forgot something.
[Dr. House takes it from her. She sits in the seat opposite him.]
Dr. House:: You don't give up, do you?
Amber: Yeah, I'm an idiot that way.
Dr. House: You doing this for me or for Wilson?
Amber: For Wilson.
Dr. House: [jerks a nod] Well, then it's even more impressive. [holds out an imaginary glass] Salut.
[Amber sneezes again.]
Amber: Ugh, damn, do you have a Kleenex?
Dr. House: I got a sleeve. I got two, actually.
Amber: I need more than that. I'm getting that nasty flu.
[Dr. House turns to look at her seriously. Wilson sits in the back seat.]
Dr. Wilson: Is that it? The flu? Is there any rare complication?
Dr. House: [shakes his head] No. It would explain the rash, but nothing else. [looks downward] Unless...
Dr. Wilson: What?
[Wide-eyed, Dr. House sees Amber takes a bottle of pills out of her bag and tap out a few into her palm.]
Dr. House: [softly] Don't do it.
[Amber swallows the palmful of pills. Dr. House looks desolate. Dr. Wilson looks at Dr. House questioningly.]
Dr. House: It wasn't the flu. It's what she did for it. She has amantadine poisoning.
Dr. Wilson: The crash destroyed her kidneys. Her body couldn't filter the drugs. She ODs on amantadine. Explains the heart, the liver. [cheering up] We just need to start her on dialysis and flush the drugs out.
[Dr. House, on the other hand, doesn't look happy at all.]
Dr. Wilson: What? What's wrong?
Dr. House: Amantadine binds with proteins. Dialysis can't clear it out of the blood.
[Dr. Wilson looks in horror at Dr. House.]
Dr. House: There's nothing we can do.
[Dr. looks at Amber, who's blissfully unaware that she's in mortal danger.]
Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson, morosely] I'm so sorry.
[Shattered, Dr. Wilson looks at Amber.]
Dr. Wilson: Amber.
[In the Procedure Room, a tear trickles down Dr. House's cheek. In his subconscious, he looks at Amber.]
Dr. House: [eyes growing wide] Amber.
[Amber looks at Dr. House just as the bright light collides into them. Dr. House reacts in shock. In the Procedure Room, Dr. House is seizing. His hands flail out, knocking a machine and an IV drip to the ground.]
Dr. Chase: Seizing. Wilson, I need help here!

Dr. Foreman: [voiceover] House suffered a complex partial seizure. The violent shaking widened his skull fracture, causing a brain bleed. [Cut to House lying on the hospital bed] We won't know if there's any cognitive impairment til he's out of the coma. [Dr. House on the hospital bed transitions to Amber on the hospital bed. Dr. Chase and other nurses are there. Dr. Wilson looks on from the observing room] He was right about the amantadine. Amber's body couldn't filter it out, [Chase is using a defibrillator, repetitively, but it is having no effect] that's what caused her heart to beat too fast for too long, it caused irreparable structure damage. Didn't matter if they shocked or froze her, her heart was dead the minute once it stopped in the ambulance.

[Cut to Dr. House's office. Everyone is visibly upset]

Dr. Kutner: [quietly] What about a new heart? A transplant.
Dr. Foreman: All her organs were damaged, she can't qualify. There's nothing we can do, nothing we could have done.

Dr. Wilson: You should call time of death.
Dr. Cuddy: Technically, she's still alive. Could probably survive a few more hours on bypass. We can wean her off anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to-
Dr. Wilson: That would be cruel. Don't.
Dr. Cuddy: Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what she means to you.
Dr. Wilson: Wake her up to tell her that she's... that she's... [Wilson breaks down. Cuddy embraces him.]
Dr. Cuddy: You are waking her up so that you could both say goodbye to each other. She would want it.

Thirteen: We should say goodbye.
Dr. Taub: She didn't even like us.
Dr. Kutner: We liked her.
Dr. Taub: Did we?
Dr. Foreman: We do now.
Dr. Taub: What do we say?
Dr. Kutner: We don't need to say anything.

Amber: [dying] I'm tired [Wilson nods]... I think it's time to go to sleep...
Dr. Wilson: [crying] Just a little bit longer.
Amber: We're always going to want... just a little bit longer.
Dr. Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
Amber: It's ok.
Dr. Wilson: It's not ok... why is is ok with you? Why aren't you angry?
Amber: That's not the last feeling... that I want to experience.
[Dr. Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]

[Dr. House and Amber are sitting in an empty white bus.]
Dr. House: You're dead.
Amber: Everybody dies.
Dr. House: Am I dead?
Amber: [pause] Not yet.
Dr. House: I should be.
Amber: Why?
Dr. House: Because life shouldn't be random. Because lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. And young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
Dr. House: I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.
Amber: You kinda deserve it.
Dr. House: [pause] He's my best friend.
Amber: I know. [whispers] What now?
Dr. House: I could stay here with you.
Amber: Get off the bus.
Dr. House: [shakes head] I can't.
Amber: Why not?
Dr. House: Because... because it doesn't hurt here. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.
Amber: Well, you can't always get what you want.
[Amber raises her eyebrows in encouragement. Dr. House gives a nod and walks off the bus. Amber looks at the window, smiles and a white light slowly fades in, covering Amber and fades out.]

[Wilson comes home and finds a note from Amber]
Amber's note: Sorry I'm not here. Went to pick up House ♥ A
[Wilson breaks down]


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