House (Season 6)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Broken (6.01)[edit]

House: [to a claustrophobic patient playing basketball] Am I crowding you? [getting in the patient's space]

House: Dry heaves are gone and so am I.

House: And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.

House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.

House: [Mockingly] I don't wanna practice medicine. I wanna be an astronaut.

House: Is that a popular new treatment? Blackmail?

House: Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?

House: I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino.

House: Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat.

House: So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?

House: It's table tennis, not table volleyball, and with no net, it's table nothing.

House: Then we can assume the girl he's with is named 'Nooner.

House: (to Alvie) You're my only friend. And I hate you.

House: How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?

House: What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?

House: Hi. It's like hello, only shorter.

House: I'm sick of being miserable

House: They didn't break me. I am broken.

House: I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.

House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.

House: I'm sorry I pushed you away. That's what I do when I'm afraid.

House: We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting.

Epic Fail (6.03)[edit]

House: Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.

House: Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton.

House: Right, doctors world-over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures.

House: Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow.

Wilson: Try not to be a jerk.
House: I'm trying. I'm just failing.
Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. (After a few seconds) How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
House: They're smoking. Your balls.
Wilson: Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
Wilson: Enough!

House: I'm an addict; I turn everything up to an eleven.

House: I went crazy, not stupid.

House: I leave, Foreman embraces his inner Mugabe

House: Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up. Making room for Daddy's hot bisexual with boyfriend problems.
Thirteen: It's not a problem, it's a … okay, it's a problem.

House: Taste this.
Thirteen: God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten … and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.

Foreman: I got you a donut. [pause] The florist was closed.
Thirteen: I'll get a vase and put it in water.

House: Started thinking about what you said; about me obsessing; started obsessing about obsessing.

House: How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries.

House: That's like adopting a puppy; suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LP's...

House: If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead; I'm a mess.

House: The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed.

House: (about his urine) If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet.

The Tyrant (6.04)[edit]

[Foreman, Cameron and Chase enter the office]
House: Oh my God it's three years ago! — Does that mean I'm still crazy?

[Thirteen got a job offer]
Foreman: Douglas owes me a favor.
Thirteen: Most people send chocolates.
Foreman: I'd stand outside your apartment all night holding a boombox, except you told me you hate eighties music.
Wilson [to House]: How was your first day of school?
House: Didn't pee once in the sandbox.

Wilson: I am vampire, Sookie.

Cameron [to Chase]: You could have gotten killed.
Chase: He wasn't going to hurt me.
Cameron: He fired a gun in the hospital.
Chase: Come here.
[Chase hugs Cameron tight and looks fine. Cameron looks troubled.]
Cameron: Maybe next time don't yell out that warning.
[Chase's forehead wrinkles at that thought.]

House [to Wilson]: You could be sipping Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto if you tell him what you got on him.

Wilson [to House]: It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to people you hate, that's a skill. Do it.

Chase [to Dibala]: If you touch my wife again, I'll kick your ass out into the street. I don't care who you are.

Foreman: [to Chase] I went down to the morgue to rerun the antibodies test.
Chase: We ran it twice.
Foreman: Turns out I couldn't get in. They had an armed guard. But I saw this. [He holds out a sheet of paper.] It's a sign-in sheet from the morgue. Your signature. [Chase slowly takes the paper from Foreman.] 9:45 this morning. That's right before you guys ran the test. What were you doing there?
Chase: Follow-up on a clinic case.
Foreman: What case?
Chase: You think this is really important...
Foreman: One of the patients in the morgue was a 70-year-old woman who had scleroderma. You and Cameron, if you took that woman's blood, you could have messed up the test results so we treated Dibala for the wrong disease.
Chase: Cameron had nothing to do with it.
Foreman: [loudly] You son of a bitch.
Chase: He was going to kill the Sitibi. Every last one of them.
Foreman: [shouting] I don't care what he was going to do. He came to us and put his life in our hands.
Chase: [quietly] All the good we've done… Every life we've saved… It would have meant nothing… If we just sent him off to kill hundreds of thousands of people. Look at the news. The moderates are taking over. There's hope for peace talks. You tell the world that I faked this test, Dibala becomes a martyr. The massacres begin.
Foreman: I cover this up, I become your accomplice. You think you can guilt me into that?
Chase: If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me… So that I can tell my wife first.
[Foreman takes the sign-in sheet and Chase sits back down.]
Foreman: Chase… You really think you can kill another human being without any consequences to yourself?
Chase: [his mouth moves for a moment without sound; shakes his head] No.

Chase: Only psychopaths can kill other people without some kind of breakdown.

Instant Karma (6.05)[edit]

House: People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There`s nothing any of us can do about it.

Foreman [about House]: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
House [looks at the file] Maybe never. This game is fun.

[Thirteen arrives at House's apartment; House answers the door]
Thirteen: Stay out of my life.
House: Okay. [goes to shut the door, but Thirteen stops him.]
Thirteen: I know you canceled my reservation. You obviously saw me log in when you were spying on me in the coffee shop.
House: I was talking to you. I was spying on the milf in the running shorts.

Cuddy [to House]: Thirteen called.
House: She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy?
Cuddy: She said someone hacked into her email account and canceled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman.
House: Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool.

(After Chase realizes House knows about the real cause behind Diballas death, and House switched the records to cover it up)

Chase: How'd you find it?
House: Fat old black guy, knew he had to be taking something for his cholesterol.
Chase: And what now?
House: I'm not the boss.
Chase: You don't think I should be fired?
House: Why? Doubt we'll ever be treating a genocidal dictator again. Better a murder than a misdiagnosis.
Chase [Standing up and looking House in the eyes]: Whether you want to be in charge or not, you are, and you always will be.

Brave Heart (6.06)[edit]

Cuddy: I need to know what your plans are.
House: First we take Berlin and then we circle around behind Poland and yell "surprise!".

[Chase is sitting in a church confessional]
Chase: I killed a man. I need to know what I can do to be forgiven.
Minister: Ten Hail Marys aren't enough to absolve this.
Chase: I did the right thing. I couldn't let him take the lives of thousands.
Minister: But as a doctor, you know taking the life of a patient is wrong.
Chase: Can't I just ask God for forgiveness? That's why I'm here.
Minister: I told you what you need to do. You have to turn yourself in.
Chase: ...No. I... did... the right thing.

House: [after having a "conversation" with his father] Wilson! This is stupid!
Wilson: [smiling] See? [talking to Amber] I told you he's getting better.

Cuddy: This is the part where I play the employer and you play the employee.
House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.

Cuddy: I sent this to State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.
House: Why?
Cuddy: Because it's easier this way.
House: You're uncomfortable with me.
Cuddy: No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.
House: Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.
Cuddy: There was no sexual tension.
House: There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...
Cuddy: Here. [hands him the letter]
House: It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.
Cuddy: Are you sure you're okay?
House: Yeah. False alarm... what about us?
Cuddy: We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.
House: By buttons you mean... [epiphany] huh... [on his way out] You do make me feel funny.

Donny: How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I'm healthy just to make me feel better...
House: Does sound way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think I'm fixing it. And if our fake test confirms it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too because I'm just that committed.
Donny: Michael's gonna be okay?
House: Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus, in which case I'll reconsider your fate argument. [rises to leave] Wanna give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my patients.
Donny: Yeah, in a bit.
House: Yeah, that's what I thought. This "saving the kid from pain" stuff is crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatever the hell you wanna do whenever the hell you wanna do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up.

Known Unknowns (6.07)[edit]

House: Really, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are… not fatal.

Chase: You lit the fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.

House: [giving his diagnosis on the phone] Now Cameron… pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit.

Cuddy: Tell me what you came here for, House.
House: I've got a legitimate medical reason.
Cuddy: You must be so proud.
House: [Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top] I've forgotten it.
House: I guess it's no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma.
Cuddy: I feel bad. I haven't named your testicles.
House: Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.
Cuddy: I don't know why you chose to give them names of somebody's aunts.
House: It's a compliment. They're always smoking.

Wilson: Yes you can sit here running up my hotel bill or you can go get the woman of your dreams.
House: I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference.

Teamwork (6.08)[edit]

House: This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.
Foreman [Chase and Cameron walk into House's office]: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.

House [to Taub]: The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. And she's never been much of an obstacle to you.

House: I was w… I was wrwrw…
Chase: What were you wrong about?

House: Any idea where I can get a "Mission Accomplished" banner?

House: I just need a good friend!

Cameron (to House, about Chase) You ruined him. So he can't even see right from wrong. Can't even see the sanctity of a human life anymore. (long pause) I loved you. And I loved Chase. I feel sorry for you both, for what you've become, because there's no way back for either of you.

Ignorance Is Bliss (6.09)[edit]

House: (Chase is not participating in the diagnosis) Say something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!
Chase: House.......... (gets up and punches House in the face)

[House throws a wrapped bagel on the counter.]
Cashier: $2.32.
House: Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.
Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs.
House: (bends down closer to her) Do you know who I am?
Cashier: No.
House: Good. (walks away)

Foreman: TTP is a better fit.
Thirteen: He's right.
Thirteen: You thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever?
House: You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. — Oh, sorry. It was mutual.

Chase: I've got it under control.
Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. And obviously you didn't.
Chase: And talking about it obviously made things so much better.

Thirteen: Speaking of House… why did you come back? You must've taken a major paycut.
Taub: Life's too short to worry about money.
Thirteen: Your wife feels the same way?
Taub: She's happy to cut back on some things — like… sex.

Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
Chase: I don't remember. So I guess, I did.

House: Sorry, I can't remember if I mocked you yet for being a male nurse.
Male nurse: I think this counts.
House: Fair enough.

House: Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that.

House: You'd be surprised what you can live without.

Wilson (6.10)[edit]

Wilson: Where's House?
Taub: Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's kind of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.
Thirteen: He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.

Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House!
House: No. Right. That's room 12A.

House: Religion just killed another person.

House [after Wilson asks if he'll be at his transplant surgery]: No... If you die I'm alone.

House: Disappointment is anger for wimps.

Wilson: You can't change a table.
House: Actually you can. You just need a bucket of paint and the guts to use it.

The Down Low (6.11)[edit]

House: I need the drugs
Eddie: We're in textiles.
House: [yelling] I need the drugs!
[Eddie looks at him blankly]:
House: Hmmm. Works for Jack Bauer.

House: He won't tell us anything. Understandable, since he's a drug dealer.
Thirteen: So he's dangerous and withholding, which you find irresistible. But guys like that, they never call.

Mickey: An adult wants to get wasted, why is it anybody's business what substance they use?
Taub: Because some of those substances are against the law.
Mickey: So your problem isn't that it's immoral. Your problem is that it's illegal. I got the same problem.

Wilson: I ran into Nora this morning. She told me about your Evita listening party.
House: The London and New York recordings are so different.
Wilson: You were supposed to tell her that we're straight.
House: She didn't believe me, either.

House: I'd like to date her. In the sense that I'd like to jump her repeatedly.

House: That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.
Thirteen: Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.

Taub: Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.
House: Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...

Chase: Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.
House: I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.

Remorse (6.12)[edit]

Thirteen: Why do you want to meet her so badly?
House: Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?

House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.
[Chase gets up and leaves, but Taub just sits there, looking at House]
Taub: Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right?

House: (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex.
Thirteen: No, thanks.
House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.
Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other.
House: Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?

House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?
Valerie: Dr. House. What are you doing?
House: Just checking in on your radiotherapy.
Valerie: From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.
House: I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?
Valerie: I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.
House: I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.
Valerie: So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?
House: Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.
Valerie: Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.
House: I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.
Valerie: So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.

Chase: I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.
House: Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors.

House: Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left.

Wilson: (entering the office) What are you doing?
House: Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (rips check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.
Wilson: Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?
House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

Moving the Chains (6.13)[edit]

House: You're turning white.
Patient's Mother: What does that mean?
House: It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.

Thirteen: What happened to your face?
House: Wilson annexed the Sudetenland.

House: You know why you're black?
Patient: God loves me more than he does you?

House: Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone.

5 to 9 (6.14)[edit]

House: You ever notice how many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good.

House: [to Cuddy] I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.
Cuddy: You were with Lucas?
House: He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.

Cuddy: Call Gail. Tell her I want to see her in my office ASAP.
Oscar: But she's sick.
Cuddy: This place is full of sick people. Just get her in here.

House [to Cuddy]: Thought you had an important meeting.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite.
Cuddy: Hourani will be done soon.
House: Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting.

House [to Cuddy]: If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams.

Wilson [to Cuddy]: How's it going?
Cuddy: [calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson] Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Wilson: Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?
Cuddy: Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Cuddy: I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Wilson: They might fire you.

Cuddy [to Wilson]: What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?
Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.

Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.
House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Cuddy: You would.
House: Probably. But then I also wanted to try and cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?

[When Chase and Dr. Thomas are fighting]
Cuddy: (to House) What the hell is going on?
House: I told them to use their words.

House: They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit.
Cuddy: Why not?
House: Because you're an idiot.

Cuddy [after she gets her 12% from AtlanticNet Insurance]: Yeeeeesss! Whooo! Yes!

[Last lines]
Lucas [to Cuddy when her cell phone rings]: You gonna get that?

Private Lives (6.15)[edit]

Wilson [to House]: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
Wilson: It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
House: Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.

Wilson: Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life.

Wilson [to House]: Come out with me tonight. I'm going speed dating.
House: You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in.

Foreman [to House]: You plan on doing any work today?
House: I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.

House: Eeny, meeny, miny, Thirteen and Tiny.

[When Wilson invites Chase to go speed dating along with House]
House: [to Wilson] You brought a date?
Chase: Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
Wilson: You need to dive back into the pool.
House: And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
Chase: It's not a beauty pageant.
House: Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
Chase: Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: [looking at Chase] You kind of are.
Chase: So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
Wilson: Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
House: The rest is your hair.

[During speed dating, House talks to a girl named Melodie]
House: I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
Melodie: Don't all doctors do that?
House: Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.

Wilson [to Chase]: I'm looking to get something on House.
Chase: Couldn't you just ask the love nymphs for the secret?

Wilson [to House]: Why are you reading a book by a Unitarian minister?
House: Book club. Oprah was going on and on...

[House's team is reading "Step by Step: Sermons for Everyday Life?" which is what House is secretly reading]
Taub: Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil –
House: Read Chapter 6, entitled: "Shut the Hell Up."
Foreman: I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord.
House: Chapter 2, "Bite Me."

House [to Wilson]: If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.

House [to the patient, Frankie]: Do you poop? [Frankie looks at Thirteen who looks at House.] Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school. Sinkers or floaters?
Chase: This is the wizard.

Black Hole (6.16)[edit]

Mr. Damon: What conclusions can we draw from the incredible number of stars?
Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad.

House: Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the ... 18 ... no, 17-year-old honor student —
Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls and they don't start drinking until second semester senior year.
House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means ... well, I guess it's the same both ways.
Thirteen: Then how did you —
House: Picture fell out of the file; she looks smart.

Thirteen: We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
Artie: To my son's sperm?
Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem. ... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...

Abby: It's a black hole.
Foreman: She's hallucinating.
Taub: I certainly hope so.

(Texting between Taub and Rachel; then House and Rachel when he steals phone)

Taub: Whatcha doing?
Rachel: groceries.
Taub: What r u wearing?
Rachel: U don't want to know.
House: Take off your shirt.
Rachel: R u nuts?
House: Touch yourself.

Rachel smiles, contemplates. Back in House's office:

Taub: House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.
House: Trust me; this is gonna help.

(Monitor in cog sci lab displays an image of someone swinging a bat)

Thirteen: What are you thinking?
Abby: About Nick playing baseball.
Taub: Holy crap!
Chase: That's amazing.
Foreman: Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.
Chase: Does anything get you excited?


Foreman: Well, it's taken us just over an hour to prove that she has a very boring subconscious.
House: Anyone ever tell you you can be a real buzzkill?
Chase, Taub, Thirteen: Yes.

Saleswoman: Can I help you with something?
Wilson: Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.
Saleswoman: It's made of wood, and you eat off it.
Wilson: So you're paid by commission?
Saleswoman: It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.
Wilson: Thank you so much.

Knight Fall (6.18)[edit]

[The team sees House walking in the hall with a sword]
Thirteen: I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well.

House: Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her?
Wilson: You were home last night?
House: And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked.
Wilson:I told you to stay out of my bathroom!
House: I was in the kitchen.
Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
House: I was naked.
Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
House: Uh, it's not important right now.

Wilson: People change, House.
House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

Foreman: All it takes is one bad eyeball.
Thirteen: Or testicle, cow brain or my personal favorite, [looks at Chase eating] pig rectum with a side order of sphincter.
[Chase looks back at her and takes a big bite of his sandwich]
Taub: I think they call that breakfast in Australia.

Cuddy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things Wilson doesn't tell you.
House: (chuckling and leaning forward in the chair) Would I? Like — like how you slept with your father's best friend or...
Cuddy: I'm gonna kill him.
House: You need to break them up.
Cuddy: Forget it.
House: So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time? You remember what he was like after that?
Cuddy: Yes I do.
House: Well, then do something. (leaning back in the chair) God knows he's not gonna listen to me. You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers. Obviously, I don't include myself.

Taub: You think I've never been in a fight?
Chase: No, I just think you've never won one.
Taub: I took on three guys in college once.
House: (coming into the lab) Hope they bought you dinner first.

Wilson: Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam…
House: Told you so.
Wilson: No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.
House: Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.
Wilson: It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.
House: Why?
Wilson: She thinks I was hiding her from you.
House: You were.
Wilson: I don't want her to know.
House: So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.
Wilson: Yeah.
House: When and where?

William: I thought you were gonna tell her.
Thirteen: It's not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to.
William: Knights are supposed to be selfless.
Thirteen: Right, they conquered countries and built Castles by being selfless. Bravery and loyalty are great qualities, for soldiers. If you want to be King, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours.

Sam: It's just dinner. Relax.
Wilson: Trust me, there is no "just" when House is involved.
Sam: We're in the middle of a restaurant. What could he possibly...(She pauses, looking across the room) Do?
Wilson: (Following her gaze) That.
[House is coming toward them with a woman, obviously a transvestite, on his arm]

House: Wilson's not like us. He cares too much about people and their feelings.
Thirteen: Thanks for the compliment.
House: The code that our Knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and chivalry. Wilson's naturally like that, which is why he's—
Thirteen: A great guy?
House: A sucker and a target. So we gotta look out for him.

House: I guess you've never heard the expression, "gas chromatography machines don't lie."
William: Neither does Miles. He's the best Knight I've ever known. It's why he was chosen King.
House: Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.

House: Careful. I have a sword.
Sam: (pushing the sword toward the floor) I don't agree with what you said. But I understand why you said it. We were married young, we both made mistakes, and yes, I did make most of them. But that was almost a decade ago.
House: I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking?

Open and Shut (6.19)[edit]

Taub (to House): So the only time you're not interested in my marriage is after you blow it up?
House: You were the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila.
Taub (to House): Seriously? Our patient's dying and we can't move past my sex life?
House: Seriously, you think it'd kill her if we spent 15 seconds mocking you?

The Choice (6.20)[edit]

Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.
House: Give me your head.
Ted: What the hell?
House: I know. It's the first time you've heard that sentence with a possessive pronoun.
House (to Nurse Jeffrey): I woke up in the wrong bed this morning.
Nurse Jeffrey: Any bed you're in is the wrong one.
House: That's not what your mama said. Oh! Snap.
Nurse Jeffrey: I'll be going now. To Human Resources.
Thirteen: I'm gonna check out this new lesbian bar tonight.
House: Your life is awesome.

Baggage (6.21)[edit]

Nolan: You're late.
House: You're fat.
Nolan (to House): Have you gotten any other people angry at you over anything?
House: Well, yeah. That's why I called it an ordinary week.
House: I'm not stressed... beyond the stress induced by you telling me how stressed I am.
House (to Nolan): Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?
Nolan: Nowhere... is that in the manual.

Help Me (6.22)[edit]

House: Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium...
Cuddy: We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate.
House: But not with glucose and Insulin. We have glucose in the Kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere.
Cuddy: You wanna dose the Insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.
House: Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge--he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting every option.
Cuddy: I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me.
House: Really? Wow.So this is all about you now.
Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
Cuddy: I don't love you. So just...Accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-aged single mom who's dating a man-child.
Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done.
House: Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
Cuddy: What are you clinging to, House? You're gonna risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life, honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you...You've got nothing, House. Nothing! I'm going down there, and I'm gonna convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll just stay out of it.

House: You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... Very risky operation. I almost died.
Hanna: But you saved your leg.
House: I wish I hadn't. They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain...every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg.

Foreman: You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault!
House: THAT'S THE POINT!! I did everything right, she died anyway! Why the hell do you think that would make me feel any better?!
Foreman: You shouldn't be alone right now. You're bleeding.
House: I'm gonna give you a task as an employee. Get out of my way.

Cuddy: I'm stuck, House. I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new house, with my new fiancé, and all I can think about is you. I just need to know if you and I can work.
House: You think I can fix myself?
Cuddy: I don't know.
House: 'Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world.
Cuddy: I know. I love you. I wish I didn't. But I can't help it.


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