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ICarly (season 2)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 1 | Main

iCarly is an American teen sitcom that ran on Nickelodeon. It focuses on teenager Carly Shay, who creates her own web show called "iCarly" with her best friends Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson.

iSaw Him First

[edit]
Carly: Did you feel his arm muscles?
Sam: No.
Carly: Oh. Well, they're large.
Sam: You didn't feel his arm muscles!
Carly: [speaking very fast] Yes, I did, too! He told me that he can beat his dad in arm wrestling, and I said, "No way," and he said, "Oh, no, it's true," and I said, "Wow, you must be really strong," and he said, "Well, I work out a little bit," and I said, "Really?" And he said, "Yeah, you wanna feel my biceps?" And I said, "Sure, I do," and so I felt them, and they felt awesome.
Carly: I have a date with Shane tonight!
Sam: Obviously!
Carly: What's that supposed to mean?
Sam: Why don't you ask your new helping bra?!
Carly: (gasps) That's it! I'm out of here! (Carly walks out, walks back in) This is my house!
(Sam walks out)
Carly: (defensively) There's nothing wrong with a little help.
Sam: [to Carly] Wouldn't it be easier to just write "I'm desperate" on your forehead?

iStage an Intervention

[edit]
Freddie: [picks up plastic bag] What's this?
Spencer: Bag of dog hair.
Freddie: Whoa! [drops bag]
Carly: Where'd you get a bag of dog hair?
Spencer: I stopped by that pet grooming place down the street.
Carly: Shampoodles?
Spencer: Uh-huh.
Carly: Hey, I thought you were Freddie.
Sam: If anyone else said that to me, I'd punch them in the mouth.
Sam: My mom told me I couldn't go out unless my room was clean, so I locked the door, snuck out the window, and took a bus here... Got any meat?
Freddie: This has nothing to do with Consuela!
Carly: Yes, it does! And I'm not leaving this room until you-- (sparks come out of the computer) AH! I'm going downstairs! (she runs, the computer sparks again, she screams and she goes out the door)
Freddie: Carly... (sparks come out again) AHHHH!
Sam: Gary Wolf is so gorgeous.
Carly: Why does he have to be a senior? A hot, hot senior?
Spencer: I did what you said. I shaved, I took a shower, I mailed that movie back to Webflix, I-
[The elevator opens to reveal Sasha Striker]
Spencer: Who's the girl in the sexy purple tank top?
Sasha: I hear you're really good. So why don't you beat me?
Spencer: Oh, you don't think I can, do you?
Sasha: I know you can't. But I like a challenge.
Spencer: You know, I feel scared and attracted to you at the same time.
Sam: Are you guys gonna make out, or play some Pak-Rat?
Sam: STOP WATCHING THE VIDEO GAME CHANNEL, YA BIG BUNCH OF LOSERS! YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIVES! GET A JOB, KISS A GIRL, DO SOMETHING! (to the news reporter) No offense.
Sasha: Nice game.
Spencer: Thanks. Back atcha.
Sasha: You wanna go for a ride?
Spencer: I would love to. [sees Carly, Sam, and Freddie looking at him] But, this is all I can give you right now. [kisses Sasha]
Sasha: [steps on the elevator] Call me.
Spencer: We'll see.
(Carly is sleeping on the Pak-Rat machine after having played it all night)
Spencer: Carly? Carls? Hey?
Carly: (sleepy) Hmmmmmm?
Spencer: Did you play Pak-Rat all night?
Carly: Mm-hmm. It's so fun.
Spencer: Yeah. Alright, kiddo. Go on up to bed.
Carly: Carry me. (he does) It's such a fun game.
Spencer: I know.
Sam: Oh, man. I got another of those chain letter e-mails from Gibby.
Carly: Well, you better forward it, or you'll have all kinds of bad luck, just like Freddie did.
Sam: Freddie didn't have any bad luck.
Carly: What are you talking about?
Sam: I did all that stuff.
Carly: What? Wait. His bike falling apart?
Sam: I loosened some bolts.
Carly: His laptop smoking?
Sam: Shorted out the battery.
Carly: The pink shorts?
Sam: One red sock in his washing machine.
Carly: Okay, what about the spider on his face?
Sam: That was just lucky.
Freddie: Hey.
Carly: Hi. I gotta tell you something.
Freddie: You're gonna tell me that there was no bad luck? That Sam did all that stuff to me?
Carly: How'd you know?
Freddie: Well, I didn't know when it was my pink shorts and my laptop, but I saw her loosening the bolts on my bike.
Carly: But I thought your bike fell apart while you were riding it?
Freddie: Nope. I just pretended on that one.
Carly: So, you're not gonna try to get her back?
Freddie: You mean, do something devious, like send her a fake text message that looked like it came from Gary Wolf, telling her to meet him at the Crown Ridge Mall?
Carly: [chuckles in disbelief] I didn't know you could be so bad.

iOwe You

[edit]
Freddie: You squished my trackpad finger!
Carly: That's not something a cool person says.
Freddie: I don't care! [to Sam] So are you gonna pay us back or what?
Sam: I was until I realized how much it'd be.
Carly: How much do you have?
Sam: Let's see. [reaches into pocket] I've got... 14 bucks... a double A battery... some string, a fork, and... I think that's an olive.
Carly: The olive's moving.
Sam: [grabs a fire extinguisher and bangs the table for a while] ... I got it.
Freddie: Are you having some kind of lip seizure?
Carly: I'm trying to blend coconut lip gloss and pineapple lip gloss to create a Piña Colada flavor. [rubs lips together] I realize this isn't attractive.
Freddie: Actually, it kinda is. So, does it taste like Piña Colada?
Carly: You wanna find out?
Freddie: Yes!
Carly: (reading a text message) "Sam did nothing wrong. She didn't do the thing you're mad about. She's not that kind of... girf."
Principal Franklin: Girf?
Sam: Girl!
Carly: Well, you wrote girf!
Spencer: CARLY! CARLY, COME DOWN HERE! CARLY! CARLY!
Carly: Spencer, it's 6:00 in the morning.
Spencer: I know, but I've got big news!
Carly: I can't take you seriously when you're wearing duck pajama pants. (Spencer pulls down his pants) Duck boxers?
Freddie: ...But wait. The fudge balls aren't free.
Carly: No, but when you subtract the cost of the fudge balls from the money our fans sent us, we still make $541 in profit. And Spencer wins the bike for the little sunshine girl.
Freddie: ...But wait. What do we do with the money?
Carly: Well, we get to keep $541, and Sam owes us $526, so we give Sam the $526, and then she can pay us back and quit her stupid job.
Freddie: ...But wait.
Carly: Stop saying "But wait"!
Freddie: Sam's not gonna take the money from us.
Carly: Why wouldn't she?
Freddie: It's a pride thing. It's why she won't quit her job. If we just give her the money, she won't feel like she really paid us back.
Carly: Yeah. Okay, how about this?
Freddie: Yeah?
Carly: We find some adult that Sam doesn't know.
Freddie: Okay.
Carly: And we give him the $526 and then he gives the money to Sam as a tip at the restaurant.
Freddie: That's brilliant.
Carly: Isn't it?
Freddie: ...But wait.
Carly: WHAT?!
Freddie: That leaves an extra $15.
Carly: Yeah, $5 for me, $5 for Sam and $5 for you; Go nuts!

iHurt Lewbert

[edit]
Spencer: [looking at his ribs in the form of a necklace] You ate my ribs?
Sam: I made the bones into a necklace! [Spencer lifts the bones out of the Styrofoam to see she did just that]
Freddie: Morning, girls. Check me out.
Carly: What?
Freddie: [lifts up shirt] No belt. And look-- [lifts up pants] Open-toed shoes.
Sam: [sarcastically] Wow, you're an animal.
Carly: But I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.
Freddie: Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night? Slept with my socks on.
Sam: So?
Freddie: Just my socks.
Sam: [crunchy cheese snack pieces fall out of her mouth in shock]
[Spencer spills his soda on the bell to put out a small fire he caused after he fixed it. Mrs. Benson walks in]
Mrs. Benson: Hello, Spencer.
Spencer: Hi, Mrs. Benson.
Mrs. Benson: Any word on how Lewbert's doing?
Spencer: He's ok. I've got the kids keeping an eye on him.
Mrs. Benson: Well, I think it's very nice that you're covering for Lewbert until he's feeling better. [Mrs. Benson puts her hand on the desk] Why is this counter wet and sticky?
Spencer: Oh, well--
[stammers]
Mrs. Benson: Wet and sticky is very icky. Sticky and wet makes mommy upset.
Spencer: I don't know how to respond to that.
[the CB radio makes noise]
CB Radio: --come back.
Mrs. Benson: What is that?
Spencer: Oh, it's an old C.B. Radio. I found it back there with Lewbert's stuff. I just plugged it in and it works great.
Mrs. Benson: A C.B. Radio. Like the kind that truck drivers use to talk to each other?
Spencer: Yeah, you wanna try?
Mrs. Benson: No!
Spencer: Oh, come on. It's really fun. All you do is just press this-- [Mrs. Benson interrupts him]
Mrs. Benson: I don't like wireless transceivers. [She walks upstairs]
Spencer: Hello, all you truckers out there. This is the doorman looking for someone to jaw with. [Rock N' Rodney replies back]
Rodney: Hey, hey there, doorman! You got Rock N' Rodney on this end, come on back.
Spencer: Well, hey, there Rock N' Rodney. I'm new to the CB Radio world and I was just-- [suddenly the fire he put out comes back and he puts down the speaker] HOW?!
Lewbert: THIS AIN'T TOMATO JUICE!
Carly: Then, what is it?
Lewbert: ...Uh, nothing.

iGo to Japan

[edit]
Carly: Wait, so when do we perform?
[Crowd laughs]
Carly: And why was that funny?
[crowd laughs]
Host: You already won.
Carly: Wait, what?
Host: The winners for best web comedy show is: iCarly!
[Crowd goes berserk]

iPie

[edit]
Spencer: You guys wanna go get some breakfast?
Carly: Where?
Spencer: Galini's pie shop!
Carly: Pie for breakfast?
Spencer: No, no, don't say "Pie for breakfast?", say "PIE FOR BREAKFAST?!"
Spencer: I gotta have some coconut cream pies to go.
Mario: Eiiiy! I got to see if we have enough.
Spencer: What? You always have enough. Why would you say you don't have enough? Now I'm scared. What?
Freddie: [after trying to entertain the baby with a bear costume] I thought I heard you guys out here.
Carly: Freddie? Is that you in there?
Freddie: Yeah, It's me.
Sam: [dryly] Oh, my gosh. The bear ate Freddie. Bad bear! [smacks Freddie in the head with a baseball bat, and Freddie goes down]
Freddie: Ahhh! [Carly helps him up] Never do that again!
Sam: You're not the boss of me. [smacks Freddie again]
Trudy: What do you say we move the party to the couch?
Spencer: Uhhhhh..... the couch is broken.
Trudy: Well, why don't we go break it some more!
Trudy: I wanna be an actress, you know like in movies and stuff.

iChristmas

[edit]
Carly: Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!
Mitch: Wow, you say, "Mitch" a lot!
Sam: Carly Shay?
Carly: Hi.
Sam: What do you want?
Carly: It's my fault you're in here.
Sam: YOU'RE the one who called the cops?! Dude, I swear to god when I get out of here...
Carly: No, you're in here 'cause I wished for Spencer to be normal.
Sam: Who's Spencer?
Carly: My brother. He made a magnetic tree that...
Sam: Dude, I barely know you.
Carly: You know me a lot. We were best friends 'till I made that stupid wish.
Sam: We were never friends. Just 'cause we used to go to the same school, that doesn't make you...
Carly: Okay. If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?
Sam: A tattoo of what?
Carly: A foot.
Sam: How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?
Carly: I told you, we're best friends.
Sam: What's my favorite color?
Carly: Brown.
Sam: Why?
Carly: It's the color of gravy.
Sam: What's my favorite junk food?
Carly: Fat cakes.
Sam: What's my favorite book?
Carly: Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.
Sam: What do I hate most?
Carly: People.
Sam: What do I wanna be when I grow up?
Carly: An invisible ninja.
Sam: ...Wow...
Nevel: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! La-de-da-li-de-dah!
Mrs. Benson: Hello, Nevel.
Nevel: Good evening, Mrs. Benson.
Spencer: Carly, I think you better calm down.
Carly: I don't want to calm down!
Rona: She's crazy.
Carly: I heard that, Rona!
Mrs. Benson: Can I get you some ibuprofen?
Carly: NO! (to Spencer) I just want you back! I want you the way you're supposed to be! I want you to make crazy sculptures, and to accidentally set stuff on fire, and to wear socks that light up. (to Mrs. Benson) And I want you to be single and lonely again! (to Nevel) And I want you to leave the country... (to Rona) And...nobody even likes you! (to Spencer) And... I want Sam back! (to Freddie) And I want you to be my friend and say "in five, four, three, two," but not the one, which I never understood, but I liked it! And... I just want my life back! (runs upstairs crying)
Nevel: Well. Bah, humbug.
Freddie: Oh, there you are. Hey, did you check out that video I sent the guy can fit a whole grapefruit... Hey. Hey, are you crying?
Carly: Just leave me alone.
Carly: Thanks, Mitch.
Mitch: Thank you.
Carly: Why thank me?
Mitch: 'Cause, if it wasn't for you, I would have never gotten my wings. (the computer screen shifts down to show a plate of chicken wings)
Carly: ...Chicken wings?
Mitch: Merry Christmas, Carly.
Carly: Merry Christmas, Mitch.

iKiss

[edit]
Carly: You handcuffed her to Gibby?!
Freddie: She put a dead fish in my locker!
Sam: Gibby's WAY worse than a dead fish!
Gibby: My mom thinks I'm awesome!
Gibby: [screams and runs away after being handcuffed to Sam for an extended period of time]
Carly: Like Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!


[On iCarly, a fake movie trailer is being shown that the kids filmed]
Announcer: A comedy no one wants to see! Kelly Cooper: Terrible Movie!
[Carly, as Kelly, falls off stool and screams]
Announcer: It's really bad!
Sam: [after Freddie shows himself to the audience] That was Freddie, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So now guess what?... [pause] Freddie's never kissed a girl. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Carly's a witness. Okay, Later. [walks away]
Carly: [running after Sam] Sam! SAM! YOU JUST RUINED FREDDIE'S LIFE! [Freddie drops the camera he is holding.]
(Gibby throws coffee in Spencer's face)
Spencer: What was that about?!
Gibby: Well, Carly said, "If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."
Spencer: Right. Well, THAT WAS HOT COFFEE!
Gibby: Oh, well can I have a cup of water?
Spencer: NO!
Mr. Devlin: The important thing is to be proud of yourself. You need to face the world with shoulders cocked, and say, "I AM FREDDIE BENSON, AND I HAVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL!" [other students start laughing] Hey, there! Stop that! Stop laughing at this unfortunate misfit!
Carly: You are gonna start with building up some muscle.
Spencer: I have muscle.
Carly: Do you?
Spencer: Yes.
Carly: Then take off your shirt and jump up and down.
Spencer: I don't wanna.
Carly: Why not?
Spencer: 'Cause I'll jiggle.
Sam: Hey, sorry I'm late!
Carly: [filling the bowl with meatballs without looking up] You're always late.
Sam: So? It's cool. The show doesn't start for 3 more minutes. Where's Fred-weird?
Carly: Freddie's not coming.
Sam: What? Okay, he stayed home from school all week, he missed two iCarly rehearsals, and now he's gonna miss the show? That's so unprofessional. [takes a bite out of a meatball and puts it back]
Carly: You really hurt him. Every time he leaves the house, he gets teased cause you told the whole world he's never kissed anyone. You know he won't even talk to his mom? He just sits on the fire escape, alone, 'cause he's too embarrassed to see anyone. [walks over to Freddie's tech cart] You, like, ruined his whole life, and you don't even care.
Sam: Alright. I'll go apologize.
Carly: It doesn't even matter if you apologize. Kids are still gonna give him a hard time, 'cause you can't take back what you said.
Sam: Look, I didn't m--
Carly: [interrupts Sam] You went too far this time! And you can't fix it. [phone beeps] We gotta start the show.
Sam: [depressed] Well how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?
Carly: I dunno just get in front of the camera and do it. In 5-4-3-2--
[on iCarly]
Carly: And now, what you've all been waiting for...
Sam: Carly and I are about to have our very first...
Carly and Sam: MEATBALL WAR!
Sam: We got our slingshots.
Carly: And a hundred meatballs!
Sam: But, um... before we start our meatball war... I wanna say something. [stops music] On the last iCarly... I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone. And that was really personal, and I shouldn't have said it on the show. And for all you people out there who've been teasing Freddie about it, lay off, because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either; Including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me...which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!
Carly: Um, our meatball war will be happening soon, but for now, please enjoy this photo of a man with shrimp up his nose.
Freddie: [makes short laughing type noise]
Sam: What?
Freddie: Nothing it's--
Sam: Tell me!
Freddie: Nah, it's dumb.
Sam: Say it!
Freddie: Okay. I was gonna say...
Sam: That we should kiss?
Freddie: [looking down in embarrassment] You're going to break my arm now, right?
Sam: [shakes head] No.
Freddie: Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?
Sam: Hm. Just to get it over with.
Freddie: Just to get it over with.
Sam: And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.
Freddie: Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.
Sam: Never. [pause] Well, lean.
[Freddie sighs, then he and Sam kiss]
Freddie: Well, that was..
Sam: Nice.
Freddie: Yeah, nice, uh.
Sam: Good work.
Freddie: Thank you. You, too.
[Sam turns around to leave]
Freddie: Hey. [Sam turns back around. Freddie smiles] I hate you.
Sam: [Makes short laugh noise. Smiles] Hate you, too. [Leaves]
[Sam grabs Freddie by the collar]
Sam: I don't play to get even. [jerks Freddie towards her] Mama plays to win.

iGive Away a Car

[edit]
Spencer: Okay, you're lying. What makes you lie?
Freddie: I'm not lying.
Spencer: Yeah, you are. Feel like a big boy, telling your big boy lies?
Freddie: Spencer!
Spencer: Yes, little Larry Lies-a-Lot?
Carly: Are you ready, Nevel?
Nevel: [sarcastically] Yes, my heart is pounding.
Sam: Good, maybe it'll explode.
Nevel: I didn't come here to be insulted.
Carly: (Interrupting Freddie) Wait a minute... why do you have that printed out?
Nevel: Because I like to print things.
Freddie: No... you'd only print that out if you knew you were gonna need it.
Sam: Yeah. How did you know there was gonna be a problem getting you the car?
Nevel: Oh, please. I don't have time to be interviewed.
Carly: Okay, so where's our couch?
Spencer: YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN COUCHES, OKAY?!
Carly: What?
Spencer: I don't know...
Nevel: I suspected as much. I figured you iCarlys would try and pull a fast one!
Sam: Who still says "pull a fast one"?
Carly: What's wrong with you, Nevel?! Why is your lifelong dream to get rid of iCarly?!
Nevel: It's not. My lifelong dream is to open my own haberdashery.
Freddie: What is a haberdashery?
Nevel: Oh, why does EVERYONE ask that?! [starts to walk off, but goes back to them and talks fast] ...A haberdashery is a men's retail shop that sells men's accessories such as wallets, hats, buttons, belts, ribbons, and zippers!
Sam: ...I know that look. That's your thinking look.
Spencer: Oh, I'm thinking. You thinking?
Sam: Yeah, I'm thinking we thinking the same thing?
Spencer: We are, if we're thinking about a way to give Nevel a vehicle that's never been state registered and can go 25 miles an hour.
Sam: Oh... no. I was thinking about fried chicken.
Nevel: What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?
Carly: Yeah.
Sam: We think it will. (to Carly) Carly, would you say this vehicle is... unique?
Carly: Oh, it is clearly unique. (to Freddie) Freddie, has it ever been state registered?
Freddie: Why, no, Carly, it hasn't.
Carly: You think he hit 25 miles an hour?
Spencer: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Bullock: You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you doing at least 25. (an ambulance can be heard off screen)
Sam: Where'd you guys get those ice pops?
Spencer: Over there.

iRocked the Vote

[edit]
Carly: Freddie, be quiet. Sam, stop licking technology!
Spencer: I think someone broke your yo-yo.
Carly: I think you need to go downstairs.
Carly: You've gotta get a girlfriend.
Freddie: I know. ...Um--
Carly: No.
Freddie: Yep.
Carly: Aww, his mother needs surgery.
Spencer: [deadpan] She's not gettin' it now.
David Archuleta: Should we tell them what room?
Carly: I don't think we should
David: [pleased] Room 513.
Carly: That's room 5-1-3! [holds up fingers for each number]
Carly: [about Spencer] He's a terrible liar. One time we--
Spencer: Don't tell the story!
Carly: I'm telling the story! One time we were going to ride roller-coasters on a school day, and when Spencer came to get me, he told Ms. Briggs he was taking me to the doctor. So Ms. Briggs says "Which one?" and Spencer said...
Spencer: [meekly] Dr. Roller-coaster.
Carly: And guess what I didn't get to ride that day.
[Carly arrives in the elevator wearing a silver dress]
Carly: Hey, do you think this dress is a little too..."saucy"?
Freddie: It's a music video. You have to look hotter than you usually do.
Carly: Why, thank you.
Freddie: I don't wanna do this anymore.
Carly: We have to! His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us, he'd have a big record deal, and lots of money, and stop drooling over those girls!
Wade Collins: You are all a bunch of hob-knockers!
Carly: Hob-knockers?
Wade: I'm going downstairs to get some yah-gurt.
Carly: Yah-gurt?
Freddie: Um, We're in the middle of shooting YOUR music video!
Wade: No, you're all busy worshiping that filthy little beast! [disgusted] Ugh! Why are all Americans such idiots?! [slams door]
Spencer: I thought we were hob-knockers.
[after Wade Collins' music video for "Cry Like a Lion" is shown; Freddie applauds respectfully]
Carly: Wow. You made Wade look awesome.
Sam: Good video, Fredison.
Freddie: Thanks. It was hard to find shots of the guy not shouting at me and calling me an [British accent] untalented hobknocker!
Carly: What is a hobknocker? [Sam whispers the meaning of hobknocker into Carly's ear] [disgusted gasp] That's gross!
Sam: And illegal.
Sam: So, David, what was it like hanging it out with Wade Collins?
David Archuleta: Oh, you know, he's... okay.
Carly: You don't like him, do you?
David: Not really, no.
Sam: Let it out, David.
David: Well, he called me a hobknocker. I don't even know what that means.
[Carly whispers the meaning of hobknocker into David's ear]
David: [disgusted] Oh, gross!
Sam: And illegal.
Carly: The important thing is we all agree that Wade Collins is horrible.
Sam: But just in case you don't believe me, Carly, or David--
Carly: Please enjoy this little video Freddie put together. Freddie, roll the video.
Freddie: Happy to, Carly.
Wade Collins: [in a YouTube Poop-style video] I wanted tuna fish! [knocks the plate of ham sandwich out of Carly's hand, edited to do it three times]
Scene 2
[Wade hocks and spits onto the floor]
Scene 3
Wade Collins: [screen is flashing all different colors] I've got a pimple in my ear.
Scene 4
Wade Collins: [Gibby is blow-drying his hair] Too hot-hot-hot!
Gibby: I'm sorry! [Wade takes the hairdryer, aims it at Gibby, and blows it in his face, causing him to run off]
Scene 5
Wade Collins: [screen flashes negative] You're a stupid American, Freddie. Stupid American.
Scene 6
[Wade spits again]
Scene 7
[Wade rudely sneezes on Gibby]
Scene 8
Wade Collins: [walks by several music video-dressed girls] You're all a bunch of stupid American girls, you bunch of hobknockers!
Scene 9
Wade Collins: [angrily screaming] I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I WANT MONEY! [screen turns green, echoing "MONEY!"]
Scene 10
[Wade spits again]
Scene 11
Wade Collins: [rudely screams at a homeless bystander outside] HOB-HOB-HOBKNOCKER!
Scene 12
Wade Collins: [eating spaghetti] I have to look beautiful! Jibley!
Scene 13
[Wade growls at the camera]
Scene 14
Wade Collins: I hate children, I hate teenagers, I hate animals, AND I HATE AMERICA!

iMeet Fred

[edit]
Freddie: I stopped wearing antibacterial underpants and I'm entitled to my opinion.
Carly: And it's my opinion that we're out of time anyway!
Sam: So 'till the next iCarly...
Carly: Stay in school!
Sam: Recycle!
Carly: Pour milk on your parents.
Sam: Hug a duck.
Carly: Eat a stick of butter.
Sam: And shampoo a squirrel.
FЯED: Hey it's FЯED. Look at my cabbage! Why can't it speak Spanish? Muchacho! Ohh! My stomach feels queasy. Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!
Spencer: Will my phone ring in the next five seconds? [shakes the Magic Meatball]
Magic Meatball: The answer is no. [Sam laughs lightly]
Spencer: [waits for 5 seconds; nothing happens] Spooky, huh?
FЯED: Hey, it's me. If you saw the last iCarly, then you heard Freddie Benson say he doesn't like my FЯED videos.
Freddie: [on playback) 'Cause I don't think FЯED is all that funny.
FЯED: Thank you for crushing my feelings. Now, I'm not gonna post any more FЯED videos. Ever, again. Internet, I click you goodbye. [displays "Goodbye From FЯED"]
Sam: [angrily] You see what you did? You killed FЯED! [hurts Freddie]
Freddie: [screams in pain] I just gave my honest opinion!
Freddie: Why are you drinking ketchup?
Spencer: My magic meatball told me to. I'm tired, I'm gonna go take a nap.
[the camera switches to the school, Freddie looks at two girls who are angry at him and wearing I ❤️ FЯED shirts]
Freddie: Oh. I see you girls are fans of FЯED. Heh. [the girls look at each other and pushed him down] Oh dear. Guys, guys would you- oh. Aah! Yeah, thank you. [FЯED fans pass by and boo and throw stuff at him]
FЯED fans: BOO!!!
Freddie: Oh, come on, guys. It's not my fault! [more FЯED fans pass by and a boy throws a thing at his head] Oh! [shouts angrily] Alright, who threw this at my head?! Who threw this low fat fat cake at my head?! Huh?! [nobody answers] Well, I'm keeping it! Yah! [he walks to his locker and opens it while the Mathletes follow him. He looks at them and are angry at him.] What's up guys?
Kyle: We just had an emergency meeting of the Mathletes.
Freddie: Oh. Well, how come I wasn't invited?
Shawn: [furiously explodes] CAUSE YOU KILLED FЯED!
Freddie: All I did was give my opinion!
Shawn: Well, your opinion stinks...
Kyle: [calms down Shawn] EASY, Shawn. [Shawn does calm down] I'm very sorry to say this, but the mathletes are subtracting you from the team.
Freddie: What?! Come on, I'm our best long divider!!!
Kyle: Then you should be able to handle this long division...
Shawn: BETWEEN US AND YOU!!!
[they walk away and Freddie sighs, however, Shawn come back and pushes him down real hard on the floor and felt the pain]
Sam: Hey, Benson. This FЯED thing is getting way out of control!
Carly: Kids keep booing and throwing stuff at us! [Freddie looks at them while on the floor]
Sam GET UP! [he does] You just HAD to trash talk FЯED!!
Freddie: I didn't trash talk him!!!
Carly: It's not Freddie's fault, he just gave his opinion.
Freddie: Yeah! And, anyway it's not like...
[two boys holding a spray paint run around and laugh making the kids confused]
[there is a red spray paint writing on the lockers that says "iCARLY KILLED FЯED!"]
Sam: (to Freddie) Uh-oh, check it out.
[they all walked to the lockers]
Carly: [angrily] Ugh! Why are they blaming our whole show?! It's all Freddie's fault!
Freddie: Hey!
Carly: Well...
Freddie: Well, it's way worse for me! I've been kicked out of everything except the junior bow and arrow club. [a fiery arrow hits a locker near him, and he takes a letter off of it] I'm out.
Carly: [on playback] No, Freddie was just expressing his opinion!
Stu: Do you agree with Freddie's opinion?
Carly: Get out of here! [she slams the door on paparazzi]
Freddie: This whole thing is getting insane.
Sam: Did you check and see if the FЯED guy answered your e-mail?
Carly: I check every 10 minutes! Why won't he write back?!
Freddie: [angry] 'Cause he's a jerk!
Sam: You're the queen of the jerks!
Freddie: Why pick on me?
Sam: Two reasons. Number one, I love it. Number two, this whole fight between iCarly and FЯED is YOUR FAULT!
Freddie: [furiously explodes] I just said I didn't think his videos were funny! He's the one who overreacted and started this whole brouhaha!
Sam: "Brouhaha"?
Carly: You can't say things like "Brouhaha", and not expect people to hit you. (her phone beeps) FЯED wrote back!
Freddie: [on the phone; angrily] Because, I just don't see what's funny about FЯED. Well, it's not my fault he quit! Hey, you don't have to call me names. Oh, yeah? WELL, YOU'RE A BIGGER ONE! (angrily hangs up)
Carly: Who was that?
Freddie: My aunt Jennifer!
Sam: Who texted you?
Carly: Gibby. He wants us to check out some website called "neverwatchiCarly.com".
Sam: Well, that can't be good.
Carly: I know it can't be good! Freddie.
Freddie: Already on it. neverwatchiCarly.com.
Carly: [while she, Sam, and Freddie check out neverwatchiCarly.com] Oh, man! Some guy started a whole website just to try to stop people from watching iCarly?
Sam: All 'cause you irritated FЯED! [hurts Freddie who screams in pain]
Carly: Okay, let's not panic. How many people have signed up to support him?
Freddie: [refreshing the website] Um, a few hundred.
Sam: Okay, that's not so many. [Freddie does it again]
Freddie: Wait, I just refreshed the page now it's up to 3,000.
Carly: How many?!
Freddie: Refreshing. [he does it again] Yikes, 18,000.
Sam: Are you sure?!
Freddie: Refreshing! [he does it again] 90--
Carly: [interrupting Freddie] Okay, why don't we stop refreshing?! Ugh! [to Spencer] Uh, what you got there?
Spencer: A smoothie.
Sam: I think she meant the gigantic bird.
Spencer: Oh. This is Marvin, he's an ostrich. I just bought him.
Carly: Your magic meatball told you to?
Spencer: Yes. [doorbell rings] Hey, would you get that? Marvin wants a root beer. We're gonna go in the kitchen.
Devin: [paparazzi barges in Carly's door forcing them to talk about what happened on the last iCarly show] Carly! Any comment on the FЯED fight?!
Carly: What?! It's not a fight!
Devin: But iCarly killed FЯED! Don't you feel guilty?
Carly: No, Freddie was just expressing his opinion!
Stu: Do you agree with his opinion?
Devin: Yeah! [to Freddie] Do you also think the FЯED videos are terrible?
Freddie: I never said the FЯED videos are terrible!
Devin: Sam, is it true that you've been arrest 4 times?!
Sam: 3 times! Get your facts right!
Carly: And get out of here! [as the reporters are talking, the group pushes them out, Freddie shuts the door and Carly puts in the latch]
Spencer: AAAAAH! Marvin bit my pants!
Sam: He's chuckling.
Carly: I see him chuckling; why are you chuckling?!
Lucas: Because you guys are cute.
Freddie: We're cute?
Lucas: Yeah. I was never mad. I love iCarly.
Sam: But, you said that Freddie hurt your feelings.
Carly: And that's why you stopped making your FЯED videos.
Lucas: Come on! I'm not gonna stop making the FЯED videos.
Carly: Okay, I get it. The real problem here is that YOU'RE INSANE!
Lucas: Am I?
Carly: Um, pretty much, yeah.
Freddie: Kind of psycho.
Sam: Yep.
Lucas: So... are we friends?
Carly: I guess.
Lucas: You sure?
Carly: Sure.
Lucas: Should we kiss?
Carly: No.
Lucas: See? We made up.
Freddie: We're all good.
Sam: Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that.
Carly: Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! [Sam chants with her. Freddie and Lucas look at each other and hug. Freddie pats him on the back]

iLook Alike

[edit]
Spencer: [after being sprayed in the face with purple spray paint] Can someone bring me a tissue?
Carly: [reacting to Spencer saying no to her going to a MMA match] Okay, when did you suddenly turn uncool?!
Spencer: Um, when did you turn into a big baby who yells at me the first time she doesn't get what she wants?
Carly: Right when you stopped giving me what I want!
Fake Sam: Hey, when did Freddie start looking so hot?
Real Sam: Okay, this chick is nothing like me!
Real Carly: Oh, come on, you guys could be sisters!
Real Sam: [to the fake Sam] You ever been arrested?
Fake Sam: No.
Real Sam: We cannot be related.
Spencer: [walking in on the fake iCarly cast] Holy similar!!!
Spencer: [on the couch, waking up after recovering from a brutal toss against a wall] Ugh... I mean it, Carly! You're grounded for 2... 2 weeks! [notices iCarly on the computer featuring Jackson Colt] Why is Jackson Colt dancing with a bra?

iWant My Website Back

[edit]
Spencer: The bunny has conflicting emotions!
[Carly and Freddie look at the computer screen and scream in horror]
Carly: AHHH! It's Mandy!
Freddie: Oh, it is her!
Carly: Of course it's her! Why would I say "it's her" if it wasn't her?! Oh my God, it's her!
Spencer: Hey, what's up, Carly and friends?
Carly: Nothing!
Sam: Everything!
Spencer: Oh. Well, that's not vague. What's the problem?
(after Spencer's disguise is revealed)
Spencer: Now you listen to me, Nevel. You better give my little sister her website back, or I SWEAR I WILL--
Nevel: YOU'LL WHAT?!
Spencer: YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT I'LL DO!!!
Nevel: Nay, nay! You will have a pleasant attitude when you kiss me, or the deal's off.
Carly: Okay... but you sign this first.
Nevel: No, you kiss me first.
Carly: If I kiss you, how do I know you'll sign it afterwards?
Nevel: You don't trust me... Smart girl. Hand over the document. (she gives him the document and he signs it)
Carly: [to Spencer] What size dress do you wear?
Spencer: [without missing a beat] Ten. Why?
Carly: iCarly has been hijacked by a psychotic she-duck!
Spencer: [pulling a package out of his grocery bag] Mexican sponges!
Carly: What do you want?
Nevel: The same thing I wanted on the day we first met—a kiss. A kiss is what I seek—upon your lips, no, not your cheek!
Carly: Okay, first of all, no one likes a rhymer.
Mandy: [petting Spencer's shirt] Nice bird...
Spencer: Stop it!
Spencer: [pretending to be an old woman] I never knew you were such a handsome young boy!
Nevel: Oh, I blush!
Carly: (calling out from the window) THANKS, NEVEL!
Nevel: (on the ground, facing them) YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, CARLY SHAY! I DECLARE THAT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY! YOU'LL RUE IT!
Carly: Give me the guacamole. (Freddie and Spencer give her a large pail of guacamole) RUE THIS, NEVEL!
Nevel: Wait, what is she... oh, no. (the guacamole falls from the window and right on him)

iMake Sam Girlier

[edit]
Wendy: And at some point during the slumber party, Sam took my bra, filled it with pudding, and stuck it in the freezer. Then in the morning she took it out and threatened to beat my brother with it unless he gave her his muffin.
Gibby: (to Veronica) Wanna dance?
Veronica: Uh, no thanks?
Gibby: Why not? 'Cause I'm different? (brief pause) ...Your loss, lady!
Freddie: Sam, even though you CONSTANTLY cause me both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL pain (rest of the party laughs) ...ha,ha, not joking... I like to think of us as really close friends.
Sam: Apparently I haven't caused him ENOUGH emotional pain!
Carly: If you wanna be all soft and girly, you gotta--
Sam: Don't say it!
Carly: I'm just gonna say--
Sam: Don't!
Carly: Okay, I won't say it.
Sam: Thanks.
Carly: ...Panties.
Sam: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Gibby: A couple years ago, I asked Sam to go with me to the Junior High dance.
Everyone: Awwww...
Gibby: So she broke my thumb.
(Sam puts a paper bag over Freddie's face)
Carly: Sam?!
Sam: Well, how can I pretend to have a crush on Freddie if I'm looking at his face?!
Freddie: You know, I don't need this!
Carly: Gibby, don't you want to put your vest back on?
Gibby: What are you, a cop?
Spencer: Okay, fine! THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!
Veronica: (runs back to Spencer) ...You do look cute in that tux.
Spencer: I know. (the two kiss)
Carly: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Carly: Rip her head off!

iGo Nuclear

[edit]
Sam: Can I be excused?
Mr. Henning: You need to go to the restroom?
Sam: No, I just hate this.
Carly: [screams and throws a worm at the ceiling] Aww, you stuck to the ceiling.
(after Cal jumps out the glass door of the Groovy Smoothie and is pursued)
Mr. Henning: You built... an illegal nuclear powered generator?!
Carly: Uh, sort of, maybe. ...But, I still get an A+, right? (Henning shakes his head) A-? (he shakes his head again) ...Root and Berry? (he nods)
Carly: You think I'm pudgy.
Spencer: I didn't say that.
Carly: Maybe I should just leave the room before my skirt explodes!
Spencer: I don't think that-- [a worm falls on Spencer's head] ...a worm fell on my head.
Little kid: Hey! Move, lady!
Carly: I'm helping the environment!
Little kid: Stupid hippie!
Carly: I'm a plant murderer! One day, they'll make a movie about me called The Plant Murderer!
Spencer: (seeing the plant Carly accidentally killed) YOU'RE A PLANT MURDERER!

iDate a Bad Boy

[edit]
T-Bo: You want some bagels?
Spencer: No, I just want smoothies.
Spencer: ...LET'S just recap. You STEAL my motorcycle. I DON'T have you arrested. I'm forced to wait an hour... for BAGELS I didn't even WANT! (grabs the bag and shakes it) And then I come HOME to find you CHEWING on my sister's FACE!
Griffin: We were kissing.
Spencer: GUILTY!
Carly: Well, Wendy and I were trying to study, but Griffin kept turning up the music, so Wendy got frustrated and left. Then I told Griffin he was obnoxious and he said I should "rent a sense of humor" and I said "Oh, really?" and then while I was telling him that I needed to study I realized he's super-cute, and he asked me if I like music, so I go "Who doesn't like music?". So then I turned on some music and we started talking and then I realized he's really sweet, and fun and his face was right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed him! And I don't kiss like (making kissing noises) I kiss like a princess!
Spencer: You are grounded... for... till college.
Carly: For till college?!
Spencer: FOR TILL COLLEGE!!!
Carly: Why?!
Spencer: For kissing that delinquent!
Carly: You're the one who took him under your wing!
Spencer: Well, this wing shall flap no more. Griffin is never allowed up here again, and you're never allowed to have any contact with him!
Carly: Why? What did I do that was so bad?
Spencer: Oh, you know, lipsy.
Carly: I'm almost 15! How old were you when you started kissing girls?
Spencer: Elev--that is not the issue!
T-Bo: Here's your smoothie.
Sam: Thanks. (pays him)
T-Bo: You want some bagels with that? [Winks]
Sam: DON'T START WITH ME!
Griffin: [to Carly] If I go to your apartment, your brother's gonna want to tase me.
Sam: Nah, I've been tased before... It's not so bad.
Carly: [to Griffin] Why don't you go steal something and go, "Duh, I stole something?"?
Spencer: I may be an idiot... but I'm not stupid.
Freddie: [greeting Carly and Sam] Buenos dias, muchacha-latas.
Carly: Freddie, we need your opinion.
Sam: And if you can, try not to make it stupid.
Carly: Sam... What would you think of someone who... collects Pee Wee babies?
Freddie: I don't know, depends. How old is she?
Carly: Aw, man!
Freddie: What?
Carly: "She"?! Why'd you have to say "she?!"
Freddie: What is going on here?
Sam: "She" is... Griffin.
Carly: Oh...
Freddie: [raises fists in triumph] YES!!!!! OHHHH YEAAAAAAH!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!
Carly: It's NOT funny!
Sam: It's kinda funny...
Sam: So you gonna break up with him?
Carly: I don't know. I don't wanna be a terrible person. Should I just keep dating him?
Sam: Why not? Hey, maybe you can double date. You know, you, him, Willy the Walrus and Peggy the Penguin...
Carly: Peter the Penguin. Maybe I should wear a bunny suit on our next date!
Sam: He'd probably ask you to marry him!
Carly: Then we can honeymoon on Pee Wee Island!
[The two giggle just as Griffin enters the studio, unamused]
Griffin: Real funny.
Carly: GRIFFIN! [makes shocked sound] I... I didn't know you were there!
Griffin: You were making fun of my Pee Wee Babies! What, you don't think Pee Wee Babies are cool?
Carly: Well, I just thought you were a different kind of guy.
Griffin: What kind?
Carly: The kind that doesn't collect Pee Wee Babies?
Griffin: Okay, look. If you can't accept my hobby, then maybe we should break up.
[Carly does not answer
Griffin: Well?
[Carly is about to say something, but then she imagines Pee Wee Babies circling over Griffin's head]
Pee Wee Babies: Whee!
Peter: Don't break up with us, Carly!
Crab: Love us!
Jaguar: We can all get married!
Frog: And honeymoon on pee wee island!
Peter: The sand on the beach is made of sugar!
Pee Wee Babies: Whee! Whee!
[Disturbed, Carly hesitates and says nothing to Griffin]
Griffin: You know what? Forget it. We're over. [leaves]
Sam: Dude, he's walkin' out.
Carly: [relieved] Yeah...!

iReunite with Missy

[edit]
[Carly and Missy squeal and hug repeatedly]
Sam: Are you gonna do that every day?
Carly: [about Sam being paranoid] And last year you were sure Gibby was a mermaid.
Sam: He hates wearing shirts! Coincidence?
Sam: I feel like butt! (coughs) Remember that time you dared me to lick the swing set?
Freddie: No, I said, "Sam, don't lick the swing set," and you said, "Don't tell me what to do, Benson," and then you licked the swing set.
Carly: [about the expiration date of a box of chocolates] I can't read this. It's written in... foreign.
Sam: Well, I looked it up, it says 1992. That chocolate's older than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air!
Carly: What are you doing?! (swats a piece of Persian chocolate out of Sam's hand)
Sam: Having a piece of Persian chocolate.
Carly: You said it was a stomach bomb!
Sam: But it's so good. (she tries to take another, but Carly swats that out too)
Spencer: ...Why did I pick THAT for my ringtone?!

iTake On Dingo

[edit]
Sam: Those dingo people are dead!
Carly: What are we going to do?
Sam: We're gonna go find them and kick them in their Dingoes!
Carly: Okay, next person who says bowels sleeps in the bathtub!
Hollywood: BOWELS! I got the bathtub!
Carly: No! No, no, no, no, no-no, no. (she runs and closes the window shades)
Sam: Okay, let's shake 'em up.
Carly: What is that?
Sam: A sock full of butter.
Carly: For what?
Sam: For swinging! I can brain an elephant with this thing!
Carly: We're not gonna go in there and start hitting TV writers with a big buttery sock! We're gonna be professional and firm.
Sam: Fine, but if they deny stealing from iCarly, I'm gonna get swingy with this thing!
Carly: Not unless I say it's okay.
Spencer: What else would you keep in a cryogenic freezer like that?
Freddie: Cryogenic frozen pizzas?
Sam: May I get swingy?
Carly: Yes.
(Sam whacks a Totally Teri writer with a sock filled with butter)

iMust Have Locker 239

[edit]
Mr. Howard: Wearing a turtleneck is a violation of school rules.
Carly: Oh, I can't wear a turtleneck, but he can be shirtless?
Gibby: Check the handbook. (he gives it to Carly)
[Everyone is standing in front of Locker 239]
Freddie: I could fit a whole editing bay in there...
Sam: You could fit a body in there...
[Everyone looks at her oddly]
Sam: If one needed to!
Principal Franklin: Yes, Gibby, you have a question.
Gibby: Yes. How many fat cakes are in that tank?
Principal Franklin: Oh, Gibby, there's so much not right about you.
Carly: I'm not drawing your sticky green foot at 2:30 in the morning!
Spencer: But look how it glistens!
Carly: No!
Spencer: Why?
Carly: 'Cause you kept me up all last night lecturing me about the history of yellow, and then today, you made me sit in the park and draw hobos for three hours! I need to sleep...
Spencer: Come on, just draw my foot!
Carly: I'm going to bed!
Spencer: Thought you wanted to be an artist!
Carly: Good night, Spencer.
Spencer: Look at my foot!
Carly: You're very weird!
Principal Franklin: Before I announce the winner, I feel compelled to tell you the worst guess, which was 5. [holds up a piece of paper with Gibby's name and the number five on it]
Gibby: I won?! I won! [starts taking off his shirt]
Principal Franklin: No, Gibby, you didn't win. In fact, your guess was so far off that we're calling your parents and having you tested.
Gibby: Again?
Freddie: What did you do to my locker?!
Sam: MY locker.
Freddie: OUR locker!
Sam: When did you turn into my wife?
Spencer: You're overreacting!
Carly: No, the head of security said, "You're never allowed back in this community center ever again"!
Spencer: People forget!
Carly: They took our pictures and thumbprints!
Spencer: ...Yeah, they're never letting us back in there.
Carly: Why? WHY would you embarrass me?!
Spencer: I don't know. 'Cause I'm a big jerk. And I think I got paint up my nose.
Carly: You deserve paint up your nose!
Spencer: Look, if I swear not to get all psycho, will you let me teach you how to draw?
Carly: A bunny?
Spencer: Maybe you should start with a hamster. Hug?
Carly: After you take a shower.
Ms. Fielder: To be a real artist, you need to be spontaneous and passionate. They don't teach you that in art school. Maybe you could teach me.
Spencer: Well, I have been told I'm an excellent teacher.
Carly: BY WHO!?!
Spencer: I'm sorry I painted your mouth red.
Ms. Fielder: I'm sorry I painted your mouth blue.
Spencer: Wanna make purple?
Ms. Fielder: Please.
[Spencer and Ms. Fielder kiss, still covered in paint]
Carly: Okay... I don't understand art at all.

iTwins

[edit]
[during the iCarly webcast]
Sam: I call this video "Gullible Freddie." Check this out.
[In the video, Freddie walks into Ridgeway dressed up as a clown. Everyone laughs]
Freddie: Hey! Why aren't you guys dressed as clowns?! [Carly and Sam burst out laughing]
Sam: What do you mean?
Freddie: I got an email from the school telling me that today was Clown Day. Didn't you guys get-- you guys sent me the email.
Carly: [points to Sam] She made me!
Freddie: Wait, is this on camera? GIBBY, COME HERE! [screen goes to static]
Freddie: People care what I think!
Mr. Howard: No, they don't.
Freddie: Yes, sir...
Freddie: Hey, is that a new necklace?
Carly: Yeah, you like it?
Freddie: Can you return it?
Carly: No.
Freddie: It's...neat.
Freddie: Sam would rather chew broken glass then go out on a date with me for a whole Saturday night, no way she's going through with this!
Carly: You asked Melanie.
Freddie: OOOKAAAYYY. You can pretend I'm going on a date with Melanie, but I know... I've got a date with Sam. [chokes on smoothie and coughs it out]
Carly: What?!
Freddie: I'VE GOT A DATE WITH SAM!
T-Bo: You wanna buy a pickle?
Freddie: NO!
Carly: You're going out with Melanie, not Sam!
Chuck: Hey, when I get older, maybe I could go on a date with you.
[Carly is about to get revenge on Chuck for pranking Spencer]
Carly: Hey, Chuck, sorry to keep you waiting.
Chuck: Oh, it's okay. I drew you a flower.
Carly: Aw. You are so sweet. Anyway... since you've got your big test on Monday, we should go over the new international math laws that were just passed by the U.N.
Chuck: International math laws?
Carly: Uh-huh. They made some changes, so we gotta make sure you understand all the new rules. Now, the biggest news is, they've created a new number.
Chuck: A new number?
Carly: Yep, between 5 and 6. It's called derf.
Chuck: Derf?
Carly: Right. And it looks like this.
[She draws a picture of the supposed "derf" number]
Carly: That's a derf. See?
Chuck: Oh...
Carly: So, now, it goes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, derf, 6, 7, got it?
Chuck: I think so.
Carly: Good. And so then it goes: 13, 14, 15... and what's next?
Chuck: Derfteen?
Carly: Wow. You catch on fast.
Chuck: Thanks.
Carly: So, if we take 12, and multiply that by 81, and then divide it by 2, we get...?
Chuck: Four hundred and derfty-seven?
Carly: Awesome.
Freddie: So, Melanie... you look pretty hot tonight.
Melanie: Thanks! I love your shirt!
Freddie: No, you don't. Carly said you hate stripes!
Melanie: Sam hates stripes.
Freddie: How long are you gonna keep this up?! [pushes Melanie on her shoulder] Just admit you're Sam and we can leave!
Melanie: I would, ow... [rubs her shoulder] ...but I'm not Sam!
[Freddie and Melanie are slow-dancing]
Freddie: I can't believe you're doing this.
Melanie: Why? I like you!
Freddie: You hate me; you always have!
Melanie: Maybe Sam hates you.
Freddie: You ARE Sam!
Melanie: Really? Would Sam do this? [kisses Freddie on the lips]
Freddie: You swore we'd never do that again!
Melanie: I didn't swear anything.
[Freddie becomes extremely paranoid and runs away; Melanie chases him]
Mr. Chambers: Carly, I just wanna let you know that we're not gonna continue with the tutoring. Chuck failed his math test.
Carly: [faking sadness] Oh, no...
Mr. Chambers: It's not your fault. He made up some fake number called derf.
Carly: Derf?
Chuck: I learned it from you!
Mr. Chambers: Okay, that does it, Chuck. If you're gonna blame Carly for your failure, I'm gonna ground you for three weeks.
Chuck: Dad!
Spencer: Mr. Chambers, you know, I also had trouble with math when I was a boy. So my dad sent me to math camp for the whole summer.
Chuck: Math camp?
Carly: Math camp?
Spencer: Yes. Here's a brochure. [hands him a brochure]
Mr. Chambers: Ooh! Camp Addemup! This looks perfect.
Spencer: Enjoy your summer, Chuck!
Carly: Yeah... Chuck.
Mr. Chambers: Let's go, son.
[Mr. Chambers closes the door; Carly and Spencer fist-bump in triumph]
Spencer: That was fun. I'm gonna go take a victory bath.
Carly: Shave your toes.
Spencer: No!
Sam: How could you make out with Freddie?
Melanie: He's adorable!
Carly: I can't believe you two are sisters.
Sam and Melanie: Me neither.

iFight Shelby Marx

[edit]
Freddie: [watching Shelby on TV] Okay, how do I get that girl to be my future wife?!
Carly: I thought you wanted me to be your future wife.
Freddie: Could that happen?
Carly: Could not happen.
Freddie: [reading the comments] "That Carly chick is out of her mind." "Bring on the fight." "Shelby would destroy that twig."
Sam: Twig?
Carly: I'm not a twig! ...And I'm getting' curvier every day!
Freddie: [Staring at her body] I know.
Carly: Eyes up, dude.
Wendy: Carly, you're seriously gonna fight Shelby Marx?
Carly: Well, yeah, but it's just for fun...
Wendy: Do you know how hard she can punch and kick? She knocked that Russian girl's front teeth out with one kick to her jaw. Poor Russian girl.
Sam: Yeah! And now she talks like blah, blah, blah, blah!
(after Carly is scolded by Shelby for pushing her grandmother)
Sam: That was awesome! Shelby looks like she really wants to hurt you.
Carly: SHE DOES!
Sam: Oh... well, that's bad.
Freddie: You're making too big a deal out of this.
Carly: No, I'm dead. Shelby Marx is gonna destroy me.
Sam: Carly--
Carly: Everyone said, "Oh, you should fight Shelby Marx. It'll be fun" WELL IT'S NOT FUN NOW, IS IT?!?! No, now she is so angry she wants to kill me and wants to kick me and punch me in my head until I talk like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!
Sam: Well, you shouldn't have been attacked her grandmother!
Carly: I didn’t attack anyone! You started a ruckus with your dumb trash talking idea!
Sam: (laughs) Ruckus...
Carly: It's a word
Carly: (when she answers the door and sees Gibby) What, Gibby?!
Gibby: Why'd you push her grandmother?!
Carly: I DIDN'T!
Gibby: But I saw the press conference and it looked to me like-- [she starts to close the door on him] No, no, no, no, don't slam it-- [she slams the door]
Sam: Hey, do you guys think it'd be possible to give a guy in a garbage can a wedgie?
Carly and Freddie: Nah, not possible. Mm-mm.
Sam: Let's see.
Gibby: No. Sam, don't-- (she does) YEOW! IT'S POSSIBLE! OW, IT'S POSSIBLE! IT'S VERY, VERY POSSIBLE! (Sam stops briefly, looks at him and continues doing it)
Spencer: So how was school today?
Carly: Bad. Everyone, even teachers are calling me a coword for backing out of the fight.
Spencer: Aw. One sec. (to Socko, on his phone) Hey, Socko! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY!(to Carly) Socko and I always do that on each other's birthday.
Carly: You do it twice?
Spencer: No. So how was school today?
Carly: Still bad...? About your allergy medication?
Spencer: Uh-huh?
Carly: Wasn't one of the possible side effects short term memory loss?
Spencer: Yeah. So how was school today? (Carly stares blank)
Carly: I've gotta fix this.
Freddie: How?
Carly: I'm gonna fight Shelby.
Freddie: You can't! You pushed her grandmother! She's gonna destory you.
Carly: Maybe not if I talk to her.
Spencer: So how was school today?
Carly: IT BLEW UP, OKAY!?
Freddie: [to Shelby] I made you some raisin bread toast.
Sam: Oooh, this is pathetic!
Shelby: Sorry, raisins kinda creeps me out.
[Freddies uses his mouth to remove the raisins]
Freddie: There you go, raisin-free.
Shelby: You also creep me out...
(while Shelby is fighting Carly, thinking she meant to hurt her grandmother while fighting her)
Carly: This is kind of fun, whew. [Shelby throws a punch; she dodges] Uh-oh, oh, kinda close. It's almost like you're actually --
[Shelby punches Carly in the face; she takes out her mouthpiece, stunned]
Carly: Ow!!! Time-out, TIME-OUT!
Shelby: No time-outs!
Referee: You can't call a time-out!
Carly: Well, I just did!
Carly: What happened tonight? You promised you were gonna go easy on me!
Shelby: You promised it was an accident when you tackled my grandmother.
Carly: It was!
Shelby: Don't lie! I saw a video and heard you and Sam planning to do it!
Carly: What video? We never planned it.
Freddie: Are you dating anyone? [Shelby looks at him, and Sam pulls him away so they can fight]
Shelby: All I know is that some kid came into my gym and played me a video showing you guys at the press conference, talking about how you were gonna push my grandmother down.
Sam: What kid?
Shelby: I don't know! About that tall, our age, round head, Polite but super creepy.
Carly, Sam and Freddie: Nevel.
Carly: Now I get it!
Freddie: Nevel must have made a fake video!
Sam: That little nub.
Carly: Maybe he's still here.
Sam: Go check it out!
Freddie: Right! (he and Gibby run off to find Nevel)
Carly: ...Nevel's head is kinda round.
Sam: Like a melon.
Carly: Yeah.
(after Freddie drags Nevel into the ring)
Nevel: Okay, Freddie, I'm not scared of you.
Freddie: That's cool. (he shuts the door to the ring and locks it. A light appears that uncloaks Carly)
Carly: Hello, Nevel.
Nevel: I'm not scared of you, either. (after a bit of silence, another light appears that uncloaks Sam)
Sam: 'Sup, Nevel?
Nevel: Okay, you I'm scared of.
Carly: Just admit it.
Nevel: Admit what?
Sam: That you tricked Shelby Marx with some fake video.
Carly: That made it look like I meant to tackle her grandmother.
Nevel: (fakes a gasp) I did no such thing. (Sam steps closer to him) Okay! I tricked Shelby! ...So? (a light appears that uncloaks Shelby)
Shelby: Hi, Nevel.
Nevel: Oh, dear. [Carly, Sam and Shelby start to close in on him] Oh, okay... what are you gonna do? Ladies, my pants are very expensive. [view cuts to outside the Seattle Super Center] AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[Shelby appears on iCarly, and happily hugs Sam, then Carly]
Freddie: Uh... no hug for the technical producer?
Shelby: Aw, come here, Freddie. [hugs him, too, and he turns the camera, making it show the two standing with each other]
Freddie: [sniffs, and Shelby looks at him suspiciously then walks to Carly and Sam] I'm sorry.
[edit]
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